PTSD and Cutting off contact

[todreaminblue]

Hi Deb,

I had counselling and PTSD therapy.. but no amount of counselling and therapy can treat a broken heart. It's important for me to continue to tell myself that I have been down this path before and I am better off that he walk away now, then to spiral deeper if he chose to walk away when we moved in together. That will really kill me spiritually and emotionally especially when I am putting my kids lives on the line for him.

 

I also understand the need to be open with my issues. I did tell him of my past, I explained why my relationships after my divorce has failed, I told him what to watch out for if I do fall in love which was mainly the confusion, the push-pull factor and the emotional numbness. But he just wasn't strong enough to handle it. In the end, he was too weak to support me.. too sensetive.. too unforgiving.

 

But the NC thing is hard. I've seen friends who just walk away and I can't do it. To not care is not me at all. In fact, I'll feel I've betrayed myself if I don't acknowledge how I truly feels. The last person i want to let down is me.

 

I asked myself.. how long do I want to carry on like this. The physical abuse from the DV is easier to get over but the emotional abuse via the silent treatment was harder. And what he is doing to me is just that, he is no better than my exhusband, in more ways than none.

 

I don't remember our memories, I don't know why. I can't remember his face.. but I remember the loss of something dear to me. And that's the blessing of the ability to block out trauma.

 

It's 11.30am in Sydney, I will be better after lunch.. set a time and focus on lifting myself up, spiritally and emotionally.

 

 

I am glad you have had some therapy....i think talk therapy is good...with me i am unsure how much trauma is there......there are walls i cant break through......and i dont think i am meant to.....i have triggers........i landed funny out of a maxi cab last night when i took my girls and their friend out to dinner...in the background i could hear my daughter going mum mum you should have let em help you and the cabbie going what happened are you all right is she alright...and i kept myself there when i started to feel my heart race.......but i felt the chill coming on, the rapid heart beat i could feel my breathing getting faster and for the first time i didnt go back there.....and i didnt fall my shin bone went one way and my thigh bone another but i didnt fall.....and i didnt go back, that to me is progression.....normally i revert into a child getting her ass kicked......my leg got taken out by a druggie looking for his gf i wouldnt let him in my bedsit unit....so he beat the living crap out of me......so i didnt go back there i remember it now and i remember leaning on the maxi taxi step remembering...bot not regressing in the flash back........ i didnt go back there ...yay...and my daughter was stroking me and i didnt regress either normally i cant be touched at all.........and i went and had a nice birthday dinner with my girls.........my leg is stuffed now though cant walk properly ...i think it dislocates and pops back in and its violent and shocking, and causes muscle problems along side my knee on both sides lower and upper.....so everything is too tight to walk so i am hobbled....it will take a couple of days to go back to normal....

 

that happened to me twenty odd years ago........and i am now able not to regress for the first time and i remained standing.......for the first time.....so i dont know why its fading for me ...i am just happy that it is it is and was the best b'day pressie.......i am proud of my progression....for so many reasons......and i thank god above i am progressing and things are fading........they will fade.....sugar love........they can fade ...trauma i mean....i wish you well always and a brighter afternoon and a blue sky tomorrow....deb

Edited July 11, 2014 by todreaminblue

[sugarlove]

that happened to me twenty odd years ago........and i am now able not to regress for the first time and i remained standing.......for the first time.....so i dont know why its fading for me ...i am just happy that it is it is and was the best b'day pressie.......i am proud of my progression....for so many reasons......and i thank god above i am progressing and things are fading........they will fade.....sugar love........they can fade ...trauma i mean....i wish you well always and a brighter afternoon and a blue sky tomorrow....deb

 

I'm glad you are doing well. I do regress abit when I was deeply in love with him, I felt afraid of who he might become.. but then now I'm unsure if it's my ptsd or simply my subconscious protecting me that he is not the person I am meant to be with.

 

Regardless, I want to be the best role models for my daughters, just like you. And I'm sure they are proud of the woman we've become. It's not easy to walk in our shoes but I'll like to think that we've created a path for them to follow by showing them how to stand up after they fall.

 

Am I sad? Yeh I am. I am sad. But can I be happy? Yes I can. I'm optimistic by nature, I haven't done anything that was intended to hurt anyone and I was true to myself. So I can be happy, knowing that the core of my being has always been kind. Kindness and humility is who I am. The ability to feel so deeply for someone is a virtue. It's a trait I want my kids to have. Compassion and love.

 

God won't take away what was meant for me. And there is no way anyone else can make me feel that I don't deserve anything but happiness in the future.

[sugarlove]

Just read the bible and here's the first page that shout out to me the minute I open it:

 

Luke 7:47New Living Translation (NLT)

 

47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”

 

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, I choose to forgive him. For all the tears I've shed, and all the hurt he has caused me. The biggest gift from my DV is the ability to forgive my enemies and to forgive myself,. not just partially or conditionally. but fully. Because only then can I move on and set myself free from all this guilt and doubt.

 

Just going to let myself cry a bit for now... and then keep going.

Edited July 11, 2014 by sugarlove

[todreaminblue]

God Has a Plan for your Life. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (nlt)

 

 

there are so many words of comfort in the bible the whole book is a blanket, a shield of strength.....to replace cold with warmth.....i never had a bible when i went through some bad trauma ...but god has always stayed close to my heart .....through what i read as a child......what i was taught by loving grandparents those words are with em always when i dont have my blanket with me....

 

 

this psalm stays with me always it is my nannas favourite.....and it is mine of all the words said in the bible it says everything i need if i face something hard......

Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

 

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

 

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

 

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

 

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

 

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

 

 

I think when you have faced the impossible you realize just how important forgiveness is and how possible it is to forgive...........

 

 

how important it is to cherish those you love who treat you well....and how important it is for us to receive love just as much as it is to give it..........

 

 

trials are drops in a bucket.......we can make life so much more than just the drops in the bucket that sucked.......and just because the bucket is full....like the cup that runs over we can keep filling our lives with all that is good in us and for us if it runs over we can give to others.....and i have.....is that too positive and sickly sweet...doesnt matter...i dont care...wanted to share with you sugar love, so i did.............blessings to you...smilin atcha....deb

[sugarlove]

There were always a few red flags but it's funny how what we brushed off is what returns to bite us later.

 

I am always nice to my exhusband and I never ever put him down in front of my kids, I believe children has to be raised to judge for themselves what is right behavior and what is wrong behavior.. not to have their parents spewing crap about each other. I still believe I did it the right way, and no matter how horrible my exhusband treated me or spread slander about me, in the end, my children will know it. My exBF will never understand this. I remembered he asked me how can I just let him take everything away from me. I shrugged and said "at least everything I have now is mine. I worked for them. I don't owe him anything."

 

And I remembered he said "he will never do that. He said if someone crossed him and do him wrong, he will always remember it and he won't ever forgive. He will make their life a living hell so that they will regret ever doing that to him."

 

And I just shrugged it off. And now, this is him. He showed me Who he is and I didn't believe it. He now show me again WHO he is.. unforgiving, vengeful and prideful. He is the complete opposite of me... I just hope he is happy.

[todreaminblue]

There were always a few red flags but it's funny how what we brushed off is what returns to bite us later.

 

I am always nice to my exhusband and I never ever put him down in front of my kids, I believe children has to be raised to judge for themselves what is right behavior and what is wrong behavior.. not to have their parents spewing crap about each other. I still believe I did it the right way, and no matter how horrible my exhusband treated me or spread slander about me, in the end, my children will know it. My exBF will never understand this. I remembered he asked me how can I just let him take everything away from me. I shrugged and said "at least everything I have now is mine. I worked for them. I don't owe him anything."

 

And I remembered he said "he will never do that. He said if someone crossed him and do him wrong, he will always remember it and he won't ever forgive. He will make their life a living hell so that they will regret ever doing that to him."

 

And I just shrugged it off. And now, this is him. He showed me Who he is and I didn't believe it. He now show me again WHO he is.. unforgiving, vengeful and prideful. He is the complete opposite of me... I just hope he is happy.

 

 

you sound a lot like me sugarlove....my ex partner and i have good workable relationship now ....i forgive him for what he has done and i live my life and he lives his .....we have good discsussions that are courteous and supportive..........and my girls see that i have been strong even when he was bagging me out ...he doesnt anymore.....but they see i came through it.....two of my daughters have said things to me i will never forget ....my oldest said i wish i could be just like you mum it is what i aspire too be like you( she was talking about my patience and how much i give) and second oldest said mum there was this teacher at school i loved her because she reminds me exactly of you...i trust her...and i got really upset when the kids were mean to her because it was like they were being mean to you.....

 

 

i might not be perfect i may be a ptsd survivor with multiples of personality...but my girls.....they respect what i have been through, they know how hard it is and they love me .....and would never want me to be anyone else but me.....good or bad....so i did some thing right sugar love, actually i do quite a few things right..... and i think you are too...rock on....hugs....deb

[sugarlove]

Today I woke up tired. I spend the whole night whatsapping my childhood friend from overseas. As I was talking to her, I mentioned that the exbf has posted a craigslist ad when he was 25 that stated that he was looking for mature women to have casual sex with, sexting texts and some of his other emails he exchanged with women.

 

I mentioned it to let her know that hacking into his hotmail account has give me a ton of information which I'm unable to convince myself to believe that it's true. I'm not sure why my mind can't see what is right behavior and what is wrong behavior in a healthy relationship.

 

She was horrified when I told her and told me that my exbf has a hidden issue behind his mask he put out to the world. I'm not convinced. She insisted that by him putting a Craigslist Ad seeking sexual favors from mature women, his sexting while he was in a relationship with me and his history of abandoning his partners prior to serious commitment shows that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship. She was seemingly upset at me, that I am unable to see what is unacceptable and what is not. She blamed it on my domestic violence but she also blamed it on me that I allowed such disrespect not to myself, but also to my children.

 

She said "You, being a mother of 3 little girls, should see what this guy is for exactly what he is. He is a dirty pervert with a fetish. How could you see all these evidences of his misconduct and still spend 3 months crying over him?

 

You wasted 3 months of tears and heartache for this person who will most likely pose a danger to your girls. You put your child in jeopardy and refused to accept the truth. He is a mongrel, the lowest of low and he will break your heart again and again. No matter how nice he is, it doesn't matter when he has nothing to show for it. You are a fool.

 

Worst of all, he dumped you and left you stranded with all these plans you wanted to make with him. ANd for 3months, you've delayed your progress. He blamed you for breaking his heart but he has broke yours a million ways to one a long time ago. Wake up. "

 

I was numb. So many things has happened that i can't get my head around it. I can't remember much, I can't remember our past. RIght now, I'm just scared to go into any relationship because it is obvious that I can't judge what is right or wrong in a partnership. It's obvious to me that the Lord is looking out for me, I've been hearing about sexting on the radio last week and this morning, the tv showed a segment about sexting. I felt even if I'm unsure what is right and what is wrong, at least I know where to look, who to call and what to look for in the media to differentiate what is morally right or wrong.

 

I'm thinking of taking a trip overseas yet I feel so much guilt at leaving the kids behind. Yet right now, it's almost unbearable for me to stay here. No more tears today, that's a good thing.. I just hope I don't falter tomorrow and hope he is back.

Edited July 12, 2014 by sugarlove