PTSD and Cutting off contact

[sugarlove]

But I felt I have to tell him. Because I didn't want to keep it from him. Not sure if that makes sense. He gave me his password and I didn't hack into it.

 

I checked because he told me that his ex prior to me broke off with him because of some letters she found in his emails. He was writing to his exes and she blew a fuse. So, that made me wonder. OMG, I just realised that what's happening.

 

Anyway, I understand that it's wrong. And I won't talk to him anymore.

[sugarlove]

And immoral...

 

How is it immoral? He shouldn't even be looking elsewhere... if we were actually married, will that make it better? He promised me marriage, we met each other families and he wanted to share with me to buy a house.

 

Despite all thes, he still continued to flirt and send dirty remarks to women online. While I work at home, faithfully cooking for him dinner every night and letting my kids trust him.

 

It's illegal. But he would have checked my emails too, it's not a one sided thing except I admitted it. It's not immoral. Unless you are talking about him.

[mtnbiker3000]

How is it immoral?

 

Password or no password. It's his personal and private email account. Period. if you can't understand that, then I can't make it any more clear.

 

He shouldn't even be looking elsewhere... if we were actually married, will that make it better? He promised me marriage, we met each other families and he wanted to share with me to buy a house.

 

Despite all thes, he still continued to flirt and send dirty remarks to women online. While I work at home, faithfully cooking for him dinner every night and letting my kids trust him.

 

It's illegal. But he would have checked my emails too, it's not a one sided thing except I admitted it. It's not immoral. Unless you are talking about him.

 

This is right out of 7th grade. Grow up!!

[sugarlove]

Mm.....

[mtnbiker3000]

He promised me marriage, we met each other families and he wanted to share with me to buy a house.

 

Did he give you ring and propose? If not, then it's all a bunch of hoooey!!!

[sugarlove]

No, he didn't and neither did I, after leaving an abusive marriage that really messed me up. A ring is the last thing on my mind.

 

We wanted to save the money for the house first. We've both applied for a home loan and we've talked about the kids schoolings etc etc. He calls me every day at work every hour. So it's a serious commitment we've wanted. Ring or no ring, I don't really care to be honest. We spend 4 months looking at houses and he brought the kids to his family's holiday home. He comes over to play with the kids and talk to me every single night for a year. He knows my friends, he knows my parents and so do I. It's not a normal relationship whereby gf and bf just breaks up.

 

My point of questioning is basically to ask if online flirting should be considered cheating. I'm currently diagnosed with PTSD so basically, I've very little emotions about stuff so I'm using my logic. My friends told me yes I should be very upset but I am emotionally numb at this point.

 

I've send him a letter if you've read my other posts I made, yesterday. And I'm thinking if there's any point if I should take him back if he returns. I do love him, and I don't feel anything about him flirting with other women but my boundaries regarding love from my DV is screwed up by my ex husband.

 

So I'm not asking if it's illegal or wrong. It is what it is but I made the choice to find out. So, it's no use telling me how bad it is, because I'm killing myself with guilt for my children and my family. Wondering if I could have done anything better for us.

 

I just want to know is online flirting considered cheating and should I be upset? What's the normal reaction to this sort of stuff?

[mtnbiker3000]

There really is nothing normal about this thread. You will make of it what you want / need. You've already made assumptions and conclusions. Not sure why you are even on here asking for advice...

[Leigh 87]

This guy is a CREEP.

 

You are NOT as bad as him purely because you snooped. You didn't date someone and commit the ultimate betrayal.

 

What you did was wrong I admit, but what he did (cheat and lie to you and falsely represent himself to you and your children), is MUCH WORSE.

 

My ex did the same thing EXCEPT I checked his email DURING our relationship.....

 

Now that we are not together, I am quiet sure he cheated on me way more than I found out about yet I .... just don't have the will to snoop since we are both trying to move on and have new partners.....

 

It WAS awful though, when we were together and I looked through his email without his permission; it WAS wrong of me, yet what I found was crucial.

 

Some people are pathetic low lives; they don't deserve to be in relationships if they cannot refrain from sexting up other women!

 

You are NOT as bad as your ex, but you did wrongly invade his privacy. As I did with my ex. I feel bad sure, but I am GLAD I know the truth about those 2.5 years of my life; that he was never THAT crazy about me, it was all in my head, and I can now spot a few sure signs that a guy is NOT into you because of that.

 

Normally though, there are signs that a guy is not that into you, so there is no need to snoop....

 

With me though, I was stubborn.... my ex DID genuinely like me as a person after all and he thought I stood out from other girls, but yeah, I didn't GET that he just wasn't into me much in a romantic way, and therefore I needed the hard evidence..

 

I was too dense at the time and too in love to see the more obvious signs that he wasn't into me, and therefore I wrongly snooped. To find out the truth.

 

My personal opinion? This guy was a total wanker and what you did is WAY LESS immoral than him slutting about with other women when he was in a RELATIONSHIP with you!

 

Anyone else who thinks you are the scumbag and he is the poor "victim" need to get a clue and re think just how "cool" his disgusting behaviour was.

[sugarlove]

Thank you Leigh, I really needed that. I guess I let my love for him clouded my judgement as to what is right and what is wrong. I'm still emotionally numb about the whole thing, it seemed to be just one big mess after another.

 

My grandmother called me just now, she said during her times, they didn't have this sort of things. But people pretended to "accidentally" opened the wrong letters that belonged to their partners as well. Just that there was no internet so everything was kept in the family.

 

She asked me how do I feel, when those times he was emailing these girls and reminiscing with his exes and then called me up to say "Good night and I love you." I guess she made her point.

 

I don't see the point of my thread now.. lol, but I guess I wanted to type it out to make my voice heard. Thanks again for all your comments.

Edited May 21, 2014 by sugarlove

[Leigh 87]

You will feel better from it too. It took me a YEAR to become completely indifferent about my ex and to stop thinking about him at all.

 

I was with him for 2.5 years. It is hard, it's hard to deal with betrayal.

 

You give your all to someone. And they just aren't in love with you ENOUGH to return the love you give to them.....

 

It really sucks, and yeah, I think you KNOW that snooping isn't generally a good thing.... but people have been too hard on you, this guy is a jerk and he doesn't "deserve" to be treated with respect.

 

That doesn't mean you should snoop again. Don't. I wouldn't. I would rather take a chance next time.. With my current bf, if he left his phone in front of me and went to the toilet, I would be TEMPTED to check due to my past betrayel, but I would opt to trust myself this time around.... That he wasn't a douche like my ex, and I now have a better idea of how a guy who is committed looks like....

 

Honestly, with the current guy I would be FLABBER GHASTED if he was buttering up other women.... Because now days, I pick men who are honourable and are not sleezy idiots. Guys who prefer relationship and are not 30, wanting to screw around as much as possible

 

Are YOU at a stage where you have learnt from your mistakes, and can now trust your judgment more, with men?

 

Do you think you can, after dealing with her ex, can you now better identify red flags?

 

Try to think how you can avoid snooping again.

[sugarlove]

Oh no, I only did it once. That's it. Like I said, it's not something I"m comfortable in doing, during and even after but I wanted to follow my guts instinct that something is much wronger than it looks on the surface.

 

But yeh glad I saw what I needed to see.

 

It's the first time I ever snoop so I'm feeling kinda bad about it. But it's good that I now know it's not just my fault in the breakup, he's been planning it for a bit.. 5 months to be exact. I thought it's my fault and I putalot of guilt on to myself, holding on and making myself look like a desperate psycho ex. But now I know, it takes 2 to tango.

 

 

He only just turned 28, so still a baby I'm 34 but I looked like a baby so... I guess in the end, age matters with regards to maturity. I will definitely choose better men next time!!

Edited May 21, 2014 by sugarlove

[stillafool]

You have to understand that his family is blood. They are pretty much always going to sooner or later take his side. They are going to see him for the rest of their lives, you maybe never again so you can't rely on them. Afterall even if you are right what can they do about it. They can't make him love you. There is nothing to wait on except your healing. Please do not waste anymore time waiting on him because it probably is never going to happen.

[jbelle6]

Now you know the real him. You should feel better about him being gone.

Stop looking at his crap, no good comes of searching emails, looking at facebooks, googling names. Just. STOP.

 

It's over, he is gone.

[Elle1975]

Well, good thing I changed my passwords. This story is super creepy.

 

Not sure what good it does to dwell on the past. I try to pinpoint my mistakes, which in return makes me think about him, but I don't try to stalk him or spy on his life either. I have enough crap to deal with without adding no-lifer to the list.

 

I hope he changes his password soon, you're obsessing, it's not good.

[sugarlove]

I only checked his email once. I will not keep checking it, it won't do any good. And that was the first week of breakup so I wasn't thinking straight as well. But I saw what I needed to see, and if it's God's will, He made me see what I needed to see.

 

And I haven't checked any thing else. That's about it. I guess in the end, he's not the one for me. He left everything that we've planned in a snap decision because of Facebook. I know he didn't understand why, but perhaps God has given me a protective gut instinct to feel something's not right with my man? All I know is he was surprised and upset as he was calling me and texting me when I did that. Unfortunately, I was having a nervous breakdown as well.. so my actions aren't thought through carefully.

 

I'm feeling heaps better today. I realised that even though I shouldn't have checked his email, I also know that I didn't lied to him about it, I told him the truth and that I was hurt by what I found.

 

IN the end, he's not the guy for me. I need something with strength in character, loyalty and everything else that is strong and true, because I've 3 young children and they deserve nothing but the best specimen of a man there is.

 

I'm not ashamed of what I've found. I told him what I did so he can change his passwords whatever. He should be feeling mad, upset, ashamed and everything else. I did nothing but love him. I stayed faithful throughout everything and he didn't. Nothing will excuse what he did DURING the relationship and AFTER because he just left. Just like that. No explanation. No resolution. Nothing. So I shall treat him as NOTHING as wel.

Edited May 23, 2014 by sugarlove

[sugarlove]

You have to understand that his family is blood. They are pretty much always going to sooner or later take his side. They are going to see him for the rest of their lives, you maybe never again so you can't rely on them. Afterall even if you are right what can they do about it. They can't make him love you. There is nothing to wait on except your healing. Please do not waste anymore time waiting on him because it probably is never going to happen.

 

Thanks StillAFool. I won't wait for him. My therapy is going so well and really makes sure my head and heart are in the right places. I will heal.. I woke up today and I felt like I can breathe. It's a funny feeling.. a few days ago, I was feeling empty but today, I felt life has a purpose for me. I'm still not sure what that is. But if anything, it makes me know what type of guy I need and what i don't need from now on.

[sugarlove]

Well, good thing I changed my passwords. This story is super creepy.

 

Not sure what good it does to dwell on the past. I try to pinpoint my mistakes, which in return makes me think about him, but I don't try to stalk him or spy on his life either. I have enough crap to deal with without adding no-lifer to the list.

 

I hope he changes his password soon, you're obsessing, it's not good.

 

... It's the first week of breakup. I'm not doing it now and it's been 7 weeks. I think everyone should cut me some slack. It's good and all to say it's creepy but I"m sure everyone has done stuff during and after breakup which they are not terribly proud of. The only difference is I own it, I admitted it (not only here, but to him as well), I recognised it's wrong and I never did it except that one time.

 

That's about it.

Edited May 23, 2014 by sugarlove

[sugarlove]

Hi everyone, just a quick update about my situation as it's been almost a month since I last post on this forum. However, I've been checking in often to read up on posts to give me strength to continue to move on. WIthout this forum, I wouldn't have found the determination to continue my journey to self-discovery, knowing that many others who have hurt more than I did have found happiness as well.

 

As I mentioned, I am awful at NC. I tried my best to keep it but I do break it once a week to send a short text, however, I am starting to feel better seeing that I feel the need to contact him less and less. I'm beginning to feel indifferent if he replies back or not. And the fact that he no longer occupies my mind with my business picking up and getting myself focussed on my spiritual and emotional growth is a path to becoming fully healed.

 

After 9 weeks and the last week with me dropping cakes at his doorstep to try to regain trust. I realised that the problem is now longer mine to own alone. A relationship takes two to break, I've tried my best to apologise and show remorse to make things work. But I"m starting to get tired of his lack of want to work on a relationship that was so wonderful and is doubting that the love he so proclaimed is actually true.

 

A part of me realised that because he went out of his way to block me on Facebook and everything else that will allow us to make contact for a chance at reconciliation shows me a huge red flag. HIs parents did the same to me and I'm starting to feel the whole internet fiasco is extremely immature. He knew vanishing without a trance will hurt me and he doesn't give a rat's ass about it. So why should I suffer emotionally for months, ridding myself with guilt and shame, taking on all the blames for the break up and making a fool of myself for his sake? I have to see this man for exactly what he truly is and not the illusion that I've built up on him during the honeymoon period.

 

I've kept to my promise to continue counseling and have completed my PTSD therapy so I feel confident and ready to tackle any hard issues that does come from being in a committed relationship. I really need a partner who is emotionally mature and strong enough to take on a woman like me.

 

One of my biggest crutch is that I am terribly attached to this man. He was occupying every single free time I had and hence when he left, he left me with a lot of free time filled with pain and longing. Weekends are the worse for me and when I'm most likely to break contact so I've decided that the only way I can put a stop to my insanity is to start dating again.

 

Recently, I met this wonderful man who came into my life quite unexpectedly. As he met me during the last few weeks of me letting go of my ex, he has to dealt with my emotional state but he didn't falter when all our chats was about my ex. It surprises me and touched me greatly. It helps that he is incredibly intelligent, physically more attractive than my ex and has the same creative soul as me. Perhaps this is just what God might have given me to help ease my pain and give me hope. THe break up was a gift as it makes me learn to have a long lasting relationship, I need to take things slow. I want to tread lightly with this new man and really take my time to know who he is before I commit myself blindly again.

 

What I can learn from this breakup is precious to me but I want to tell those of you who have your heart broken by someone you thought loved you truly to please be patient. Be terribly honest with yourself. This person is not the one for you. The reason why you broke up with this person is because the love is not true. If it's true, s/he would have come back by now, seeing how heartbroken s/he have left you. If they love you, forgiving will be easy, second chances will be given and they will never leave you pining.

 

They would have know you are hurt, and the truth is they don't give a f@#$ so give yourself time to heal, grow stronger and make sure you take this as a lesson to be a better person. Do not give a selfish person any more of your heart space. In time, the pain will hurt less, the memories will fade and someone better will always come your way. I promise you. Someone better is prepared for you so give him/her up but never give up on yourself.

[sugarlove]

Today is just a few days shy of 3 months since my messy breakup with the man whom I thought was my heart and my soul. Reading back all the comments and my own posts, I realised how far I have come to where I am now.

 

I haven't told you guys everything as my own illness has the ability to suppress past memories. But gradually, the memories are coming back to me and I realised now that the man I once loved had his foot out the door even before my panic attack. He cheated on me via LinkedIn, a business site so benign that I still can't get my head around it. I found this out in December accidentally while I was checking his phone to look at his apps but a large part of me just blocked it out of my head. Expectedly, his intent to contact his exes got more frequent yet I didn't want to risk losing what we have as none of them entertained him, except the last one. Naive? A fool in love? Perhaps that's the catalyst for all our arguments, confusions and mess.

 

I wished I had just confronted him with the truth when I first read those messages. But I know it's hopeless, I've rehearsed all the excuses he will give me in my head so I just brushed it away. I wanted to love this man unconditionally, even though it's foolish in hindsight to do so. Having suffered from domestic violence, it's hard to remove that victim mindset to keep forgiving someone and returning to someone despite the obvious betrayal. It's hard even for me now, to be honest. But subconsciously, it still affected how I behave later in our relationship. (I can't believe I log in here to ask if sexting is still considered cheating... I now know it is.)

 

WIth my PTSD, I have an ability to block memories out. For some reason, I can no longer remember his face or any of our memories. Try as I might, I can't seem to visualise who he is. I'm unsure if I"m in denial, but am prepared that maybe it'll hit me again later. But I'm moving on. I'm stronger every day.

 

He is still currently in NC with me. It's been a while and I've send him a letter disclosing his sexting. As expected, he still kept his silence, no apologies, no remorse, nothing. I'm not sure now if I'll take him back but I know I will always have a tender spot for him in my heart. I have also decided to break it off with my rebound guy and opt for friendship instead as I'm not ready to date when my love for my ex still lingers in my mind.

 

But moving on I must. Counselling is so good for me, I'm so so glad I seek that route. And so, this will be my last post on my own thread. I hope to post more happy things in the future, this forum has been a godsend to me during my most difficult times. I'll still be here contributing back and pay it forward.

Edited July 1, 2014 by sugarlove

[sugarlove]

Today is 16 days of NC which I've chosen to implement on myself. I wanted to remove myself from the whole situation as contacting him wasn't working for me emotionally. I do feel that NC helps to heal from the breakup, taking the time to focus solely on working through the pain and the pain did eased quite a bit.

 

I remembered the last letter I gave him, it was to let him know about my discovery about his sexting, I reread it again today and it was filled with so much hurt and sadness.. how I felt he has ruined all the trust I placed in him.. and how lonely I feel .. how he didn't even try to fight for me.. that I felt so torn that I had to destroy all our photos .. how much those memories meant to me .. and he didn't even care.

 

It was the longest letter I wrote to him. REading back the words, I felt sympathy for this person who wrote this. She really put her heart on the line for this guy. I can feel her heart break with each word she painstakingly wrote. How silly of her to think that could have changed anything? But I"m not the same person now, I won't be making myself a victim of such selfish form of love. I wondered if he felt anything from reading what I wrote, I didn't expect an apology but I did placed the blame on him.

 

I am a kind person, I never used cruelty towards anyone so perhaps that's why I felt guilty about blaming him for this breakup. We both made mistakes, it doesn't matter which mistake is bigger.. end of the day, he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. End of the day, he doesn't want me in his life.

 

I wrote another letter today, to break contact. I told him that I'm no longer angry and I don't hate him for what he did. That I still miss him and wonder if he has found someone to make him feel the same way I did, make him laugh like I did..

 

That if he still love me despite everything I said which were out of spite, he will give me a second chance but that I know it might never happen. I also understand that what I said would have hurt his faith in the relationship, that it will take a long time for him to overcome my words. I told him I love him and it's a love that I wanted to have for a lifetime.

 

----------------

 

I think this contact has been good for me. I don't expect any outcome from my peace letter. I just want to make peace, to offer my forgiveness and recognise that we both made mistakes, bygones by bygones. I think I am being true to myself, true to how I feel. I always say how I feel in my heart, even though what I said in spite wasn't. It's tragic that he will never know the difference, that we have lost something that was truly one of the best relationship we both had.

 

I think out of this, I have kept myself righteous and dignified. I didn't resort to sleeping around, flirting with multiple guys or treat him like he ceased to exist (like the way he did to me). I acknowledged my mistakes, I held myself accountable, took steps to change for the better, reach out to him to make amends and despite it all, still kept all of myself to him. He might never believe me because he doesn't think like I do, doesn't cope like I do. I realised that I can't make someone trust me if they have already chose not to.

 

Love is never giving up on each other when the going gets tough, to have faith when everything was falling apart, to try to remember the good times when things were going wrong. When you find someone who is willing to apologise, willing to admit mistakes, willing to show change.. someone who is willing to give and expect nothing back, to put herself in the firing line again and again for you, then that person is worthy to be loved and respected, to have you invest all of yourself in her too. She is a good woman, there is no pride and no ego in her kind of love. It's beautiful to be loved like that....

 

I'm sad. I used to cry because of rejection, but now I"m crying because of defeat. I"m emotionally tired, to love this man who allows me to suffer in this way. But I've faith. I was once weak but now, I feel stronger. I now know that some people are never meant to be for a lifetime, that how they feel one moment change in another, that for every action there is a reaction and that the next time I get upset to wait untiL i've calmed down before saying something I can never take back. That if he truly love me like he often claimed, he would have hear the sincerity in my apology and work with me on this.

Edited July 10, 2014 by sugarlove

[sugarlove]

Today I woke up and looked into the mirror. I've been crying the night before.. and woke up with tears streak on my face..

 

"This is pathetic. I told myself. Here is a guy who basically ran away when he found an excuse to. So what if he has planned a future with me.. it's not set in stone until he proposed. Everything else is just words. He wanted the dream, the perfect gf, the perfect kids, the perfect life.. but when I said the wrong words at the wrong time, he ran. He didn't turn back. He just basically ran."

 

I looked at myself.. lost abit of weight. Been running 5km twice a week and I've changed. My hair is longer and they are no longer dyed pink. And my face is clear and fair. Since the breakup, I had actually took care of myself, focussed on things I've neglected and I look the best I ever did for very long time. I'm wondering if I am stuck on this image of him, the nice boyfriend during the honeymoon stage.. am I that stupid to believe in that?

 

I remembered what his mom told me, that she raised her kids to be a certain way, that he and his sister are brought up the right way. And that I must have said something bad to make him break up with me. Now that I think about it, I wanted to tell her if she has taught her son to run at the first sign of issues in a relationship, if she has taught him to treat women like that, if she has taught him never to accept an apology when given, never to give someone a second chance to make amends. I should have asked her if she has taught him that humans don't make mistake and that relationships are meant to be perfect and never needed hard work.

 

What my ex did to me is basically run and hide. I've dated before and I've never had a guy who ever did that to me. They all had the decency to come back and explain to me the reason or at least email/ call to check on me. When I was the dumper, I've never treated someone in this way, whch is to pretend they never existed. It's cruel and invalidate me/them as worthy human beings. He must have taken satisfaction at knowing I'm suffering and stood by and watch me pour out my heart and soul to him. A realisation came upon me this morning, "Oh my god, he doesn't know who I truly am... he doesn't even know me. He only see what's on the surface but not what's inside. It doesn't matter how much I've apologised, he took my words as what I felt. Because he doesn't know who I really am."

 

My business has picked up dramatically. I remembered he supported me emotionally for the business, but he never supported the long hours I put in it. Dating an entrepreneur comes with sacrifice he wasn't mature enough to handle. THe kids are doing really well in school. What I have lost is simply a guy who is uncaring and irresponsible. I don't think I made a huge loss, what i lost is simply fond memories of the past. Will I take him back? I'm not sure yet, if he came back to me with humility and an apology, yes I might. I've written him a letter of forgiveness. And I believe it's the right thing to do. Being kind is who I am and I won't want to be anything but forgiving and nice.

 

I hope I will stop pining for this man soon. While pining, I have lost so many chances which God has tossed at me, while waiting for him, I might have passed by a great guy without even knowing it. It's not fair to me to live my life this way, not fair to my health and to the people who are still left in my life. I do think I am better than him, because I've the integrity to show up for my mistakes and own up to them. And the courage to forgive someone despite how much they hurt me. That is something ingrained and I'm at peace.

Edited July 11, 2014 by sugarlove

[life-is-short]

Thinking of you. Keep practicing self-compassion and self-love. I wish there were a way to make the path through the dark night of the soul easier, but you're amazing and you'll make it!

 

Maybe these can be distractions for you...hope they are helpful:

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHBBplGmLbM

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBbt_bIDEg0

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkCInsLFw94

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAalcLjFyqk

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aYRxnsnTpM

 

Follow your bliss!

Edited July 11, 2014 by life-is-short

[todreaminblue]

hey sugar love...i have ptsd and also am a multiple personality due to trauma....maybe the multiples of me make it easier for me to have a relationship.....i dont know all i know is i was able to have a relationship that lasted fifteen years.....i am a fighter a survivor and if i want space from a guy i tell him honestly what i am feeling, i dont break contact with space i read some books or i write...

 

 

 

i dont hide my issues and any guy i go out with knows my history a not too graphic version....i haven't had a guy walk away yet.......and i would risk the guy walking, knowing exactly what my issues are and my history before he is serious about me and before i commit to him.....then i am in for the long haul...........its the only way to do relationships....not have a guy in ultimate confusion and not understanding where he stands with me.That would not be fair on either one.....but i have had a lot of therapy specifically conflict resolution and strategies for managing my issues..........deb

[sugarlove]

Thinking of you. Keep practicing self-compassion and self-love. I wish there were a way to make the path through the dark night of the soul easier, but you're amazing and you'll make it!

 

Maybe these can be distractions for you...hope they are helpful:

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHBBplGmLbM

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBbt_bIDEg0

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkCInsLFw94

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAalcLjFyqk

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aYRxnsnTpM

 

Follow your bliss!

 

THanks Life-is-short.. and the first video really hit home to me. My life wasn't the easiest but out of every difficult circumstances, I stood up stronger. I think that's why I wanted to start my own business, I always wanted to do what I LOVE to do, not what i was told to do. And to follow where my heart takes me, it always just feel right. Because I'm happier than a lot of other folks, I never the easy route, but I took the route that gave me the biggest peace in my heart.. which is bliss.

 

I love this man. And that's okay. Was I the perfect girlfriend? Yeh, I look at what I did for him and I can say I was. I was better than all his past girlfriends, I have this faith in him which was like no other. When one of my exes contacted me the week after I broke up with this recent ex, I asked him why. And he said he realised that I was a really great girl, I never used him for my own satisfaction and was always honest with how I feel. He said he didn't realised how rare that trait was until he scouted around for over a year and found out the hard way.

 

Did I want him back now? No. Because he broke my heart once. And I was nice to him till the end. Even when I picked up his phonecall, I was really kind and supportive of his feelings. I let him vent and I had to let him down the gentlest way I know. I never kept to NC, if any of my exes want to talk to me, I am happy to.

 

Human lives are so precious and everyone who comes into your life plays a role in your development. So it hurt to know some people can be so cruel as to forget the role we played in their next relationship. I did what I always know was being true to myself. To acknowledge, apologise and accept my mistakes. I also choose to forgive and forget, after all the things life dealt me with, I have to if I want to move on.

 

I will continue looking at the videos! Thanks for listening. I hope you are doing better.

[sugarlove]

hey sugar love...i have ptsd and also am a multiple personality due to trauma....maybe the multiples of me make it easier for me to have a relationship.....i dont know all i know is i was able to have a relationship that lasted fifteen years.....i am a fighter a survivor and if i want space from a guy i tell him honestly what i am feeling, i dont break contact with space i read some books or i write...

 

 

 

i dont hide my issues and any guy i go out with knows my history a not too graphic version....i haven't had a guy walk away yet.......and i would risk the guy walking, knowing exactly what my issues are and my history before he is serious about me and before i commit to him.....then i am in for the long haul...........its the only way to do relationships....not have a guy in ultimate confusion and not understanding where he stands with me.That would not be fair on either one.....but i have had a lot of therapy specifically conflict resolution and strategies for managing my issues..........deb

 

Hi Deb,

I had counselling and PTSD therapy.. but no amount of counselling and therapy can treat a broken heart. It's important for me to continue to tell myself that I have been down this path before and I am better off that he walk away now, then to spiral deeper if he chose to walk away when we moved in together. That will really kill me spiritually and emotionally especially when I am putting my kids lives on the line for him.

 

I also understand the need to be open with my issues. I did tell him of my past, I explained why my relationships after my divorce has failed, I told him what to watch out for if I do fall in love which was mainly the confusion, the push-pull factor and the emotional numbness. But he just wasn't strong enough to handle it. In the end, he was too weak to support me.. too sensetive.. too unforgiving.

 

But the NC thing is hard. I've seen friends who just walk away and I can't do it. To not care is not me at all. In fact, I'll feel I've betrayed myself if I don't acknowledge how I truly feels. The last person i want to let down is me.

 

I asked myself.. how long do I want to carry on like this. The physical abuse from the DV is easier to get over but the emotional abuse via the silent treatment was harder. And what he is doing to me is just that, he is no better than my exhusband, in more ways than none.

 

I don't remember our memories, I don't know why. I can't remember his face.. but I remember the loss of something dear to me. And that's the blessing of the ability to block out trauma.

 

It's 11.30am in Sydney, I will be better after lunch.. set a time and focus on lifting myself up, spiritally and emotionally.