PTSD and Cutting off contact

[sugarlove]

I'm a single mom that was dating a man that is 7 years my junior for a year. OUr parents really got along well and he adores my children. It seemed to be the perfect life that everyone is jealous off.

 

However, recently we were thinking of buying a house together and had been looking since January. I have a history of domestic violence from my previous marriage and it scarred me really badly. As the relationship gets closer, I get really scared that he will turn out to be just like my ex husband when we move in and start a family of our own. I have a habit of asking for time out and space when I find that I"m losing myself into the relationship, and he often that that to mean a breakup. But in actual fact, I just needed the space to think and get myself together.

 

6 weeks ago, I felt a sudden surge of panic and I untagged him from all my facebook photos. He asked for reasons and I couldnt give it to him as I wasn't even sure why I did that. I just felt I wanted to be alone and shut down. He was really upset and told me that I broke his heart and he was losing his mind with my ambivalence. He decided that it's best we break up if I can't even give him a reason why I"m doing the things I"m doing to push him away.

 

When the realisation that he is finally leaving me hits me the day he announced he's leaving me with tears in his eyes, I was panicking so much that i literally thought I could die from a heart attack. Since 6 weeks ago, I've been texting him and emailing him and tried my best to apologise to him. I made him a lego crane which took me 2 weeks to finish and he returned it to my doorstep a few days later. It broke my heart. He refused to talk to me and I am scared to go to his house to ask for a second chance.

 

I kept my PTSD from him for a long time because I love him too much to share my pain with him. I didn't want him to think I"m loopy or felt he has to protect me from my past demons. But now I know it's a mistake and I don't know how to explain myself without looking desperate.

 

I'm not sure if he is coming back. And I'm not sure of anything at the moment. It breaks my heart to know I hurt him, when he was so in love with me and yet, I can't protect him from my hurt.

[Tressugar]

You're not ready for a relationship. Go heal yourself and become healthy and a whole person before getting into a relationship. It's not fair what you put that man through with your own demons you have to deal with.

[sugarlove]

I understand that. In the beginning, I thought it was because I was going insane. With a diagnosis, I felt better but yet even sadder, knowing I could have told him the truth and how I feel.

 

I really want to ask for a second chance. I'm taking steps to fix myself, going for counselling and trying my first dose of anti-anxiety tablets. The therapist said I'll be on the meds for about 1- 3 months and then things should be looking up for me.

 

Besides that I don't know how else I can make him communicate with me.

[Tressugar]

Good for you! You can't make someone communicate with you. You can't control another person's thoughts or behaviors.

[sugarlove]

No I can't. I wrote him an email to let him know about the diagnosis and how I felt it was unfair for me to continue with him until I fix myself up completely. And how it wouldn't be fair for me to ask him to wait. knowing he is so young with so much more women he can have beside me. Someone that is tainted from her past.

 

I know he will never read it as he blocked my emails and everything else. He loves me so much and I hurt him so deep. Will it be silly to hold on to hope that perhaps he will one day realise he miss me? It's only been 6 weeks but I felt it's been 6 months..

 

I suck at No Contact. He was always with me every day, texting me every hour and now I felt a sense of loss. I'm not sure how he feels but I worry he is going on dates, having a great time.

[sugarlove]

I forgot to say, we were going really well and never have any arguments. But lately, I was under alot of stress, my thyroid went into overdrive and being a single mom of 3 young children with my own home business, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdow.

 

But i'm so used to being so strong for everyone that I didn't let him know that I couldn't cope. That triggered my PTSD in a way. I'm feeling really lonely at the moment, there's a void in my heart that I don't know how it'll ever be filled again.

 

I can't forgive myself for breaking his heart, knowing that he wants a lifetime with me, knowing that he was willing to give up everything to be with me..

[Tressugar]

I feel for you. I'm a survivor of domestic violence too. The wounds you can't see takes the longest to heal.

 

It sounds like you got a lot going on. Worry about yourself and your kids. It it's meant to be he'll come around.

 

G'luck on your journey to good health and happiness.

[sugarlove]

Thanks. I really appreciate that, even from a stranger, it touched me.

 

Another dilemma I'm battling with is if I"m the dumper or the dumpee. Rightfully, he dumps me because of the facebook untagging. But I felt I was the one who pushed him subconsciously to do that, so he was in effect dumping me because he felt I was going to dump him from Facebook.

 

ON the day of the breakup, he told all he wanted was some days to figure things out. why I acted in that way, what he wants and what he doesn't want in his life. But I was in a panic mode, I couldn't think but I didn't cry or yell or act violently. I simply stared at him with no emotions on my face.

 

He told me that I made the matter worse by telling his mom about us. I told him that I only did it because he shut me down straight away and disappeared. I admitted I was wrong but that was my desperate attempt at the time.

 

I'm not sure if I should wait for him to respond to my emails/ texts now, he blocked me off them so he won't even be reading them. Or should I just let him go, hoping he will come back if he truly loves me? But How will he forgive me and know I love him if I don't explain my diagnosis to him?

 

I'm so confused right now. I"m just grasping for something for me to fix this for us...

[FredJones80]

But How will he forgive me and know I love him if I don't explain my diagnosis to him?

 

He won't. If he means that much to you then send him a letter, at least you know he will get it.

[sugarlove]

I understand why the vibe is negative here.. because without that, people like us hold on to hope when sometimes that's the most dangerous thing to hold on.

 

My tears has stopped. I deleted everything with him off my phone, computer, everything. But I'm not losing hope. Because I love him and I don't think he lied about his feelings about me or else it wouldn't hurt him so much to cut me off so abruptly when we have made all these life plans together.

 

They say time will heals all wounds.. and what I read here, it's as long as 6 months? That's so long.. ((((

[FredJones80]

I understand why the vibe is negative here.. because without that, people like us hold on to hope when sometimes that's the most dangerous thing to hold on.

 

My tears has stopped. I deleted everything with him off my phone, computer, everything. But I'm not losing hope. Because I love him and I don't think he lied about his feelings about me or else it wouldn't hurt him so much to cut me off so abruptly when we have made all these life plans together.

 

They say time will heals all wounds.. and what I read here, it's as long as 6 months? That's so long.. ((((

 

WRITE HIM A LETTER!

 

You have a medical condition... if he doesn't know how can he choose to accept or reject you?

 

He might not want to know, but there are plenty of supportive men who love their women and would stand by them through thick and thin.. I was one! If it was me, I would want a letter.

[sugarlove]

But I did wrote him heaps of letters, emails and texts. Okay so I did text terrorism for 6 weeks now, texting to basically no one. :**(

 

I only received my diagnosis Friday which was 3 days ago. I emailed him but he is not reading my emails..how would I know? Becuase I place a tracker on my emails to let me know automatically when my emails been opened and read. I'm pretty good at techy stuff but that makes me even sadder to know he's not reading my emails. ((((

 

I can't turn up at his house because he lives with his parents. (Irony is he moved in with them this year as he wanted to start a new life with me and his lease expired so he lived with them as a temporary solution). ANd his parents won't let me see him.. i got stumped the first week of breakup.

[FredJones80]

Receipt of emails can be denied. Ie; you can request that you receive an email stating he read it, but when you open it you don't have to accept that to read the email.

 

I would write him a physical letter telling him of your diagnosis and mail it to his parents house.

[sugarlove]

Mm, no I placed a different sort of tracker without the recipient acknowledging the receipt of the email. I thought it might be wise not to post the tracking software in case it'll hurt some people here to know that.

 

Now that I'm terrorising him with texts, finding excuses after excuses why I behaved so cruelly (mind you, I did it because I wasn't even sure at that time, without counselling, why I was so avoidant with him), he might reckon I"m just making things up. Should I wait for 6 months? I'll try my best to do NC for 6 months.. and wait for him to contact me. Which I know he will never do, because he must have felt i was playing with his affections.

 

I'm actually overcome by fear he will yell at me, even though he never did. That's my ptsd talking to me. I'm just a nervous wreck at the moment, I'm sorry if I sounded quite mad.

[FredJones80]

finding excuses after excuses why I behaved so cruelly

 

Its not "excuses" if you have a medically diagnosed condition.

 

It is a condition.

 

Domestic violence ruins lives. It is continuing to ruin yours and it will scar you for the rest of your life, it will influence your decisions, it will alter your outlook on life, it will invade every choice, thought and crossroad in your life.

 

Do not underestimate the massive impact this has on your life AND especially close relationships.

 

My advice, write him a letter, explain your medical condition and then leave it to him.

 

If he doesn't know WHY you act like you do then how can he begin to understand your actions? If you have never experienced domestic violence then you can't understand the effects it has on someone's life.

[sugarlove]

This is my email I wrote on Friday.

 

Dear Ex,

 

Today is 1.5 months since we last spoke. I am doing well at the moment, trying to get myself busy with my counselling, business and doctors. You probably didn’t expect to hear from me, I wouldn’t think you would. And I hope you have found someone lovely by now to fill the void I’ve left in your heart.

 

Since we broke up, I started to focus on myself. I was diagnosed with PTSD by my counsellor yesterday, the same counsellor who saw me after my separation. It was a clinical diagnosis so that’s good (I think). Having a diagnosis is a relief, at least I get to understand my need to push you away. I wanted to push you away before things get too permanent. Sadly, a part of me wished I had been diagnosed earlier so the events that led to our breakup would have been prevented easily with counselling and antidepressants. But life happens for reasons we don’t understand.

 

With PTSD, I started to understand why I am the way I am with you. I have always known that I love you but I am incapable of showing it at the time when my past is haunting me. Everything you do will caused me to paint you the same as ExHusband and no matter what happen, I will never be able to love you the way you deserve at this point in time. Unfortunately, I also have a relapse of Grave’s disease, so it was a case of bad timing for us. House, PTSD, anxiety, illness, ExHusband, kids, parents, I’m just really overwhelmed by everything. The call from ExHusband the day we broke up was the trigger for me. That was the turning point, the nail in the cross. I hurt you with my words but I don’t remember what I did, that’s my memory loss associated with PTSD as stated by my therapist. I’m just thankful I didn’t get burnt out amongst all these burdens I have to be responsible for. But I know, I was this close to a complete nervous breakdown.

 

With my counselling, I realise that my history with ExHusband has caused me to have anxiety attacks causing a loss of control. Hence, that also relates to my inability to stop texting/ contacting you as I was unable to stop my panic. I always thought women will help women so I seek your mom and your sister. But I should have known from my past experiences seeking help from ExHusband’s mom, who just ignored my beatings, that women don’t help women. No one can help me. Because no one truly understands what happened to me, except you. It’s easy to blame my inability to love fully due to 6 years of living with domestic violence but I can’t. I chose the man, I have to atone for my mistake. So I’m learning to enjoy the present and not live in the past. It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there.. there’s light at the end of the tunnel now for me.. 

 

I just want you to know that I still love you. But I still stand by what I told you from the start, I don’t think you need a woman like me in your life, I’m tainted, ExBf. You deserve so much more. If I don’t push you away, your entire life will be messed up by me. I wanted to protect you from all my hurt. That’s what love does. I always told you I’m a “Beautiful mess”, like the song I played for you. I’m scarred with the memories of my past. I cannot give you the love you deserve because I still haven’t finish working on myself yet. I do love you, I do but I am handicapped with fear of living together. I was scared of the past repeating itself. I was mistreated very, very badly and it’ll take a man with a lot of patience and strength to be by my side. It’ll be unfair of me to ask that of you, even if you love me truly. If I love you, I have to let you go, keep you safe, away from me. Why waste your youth on someone like me? I’m not good marriage material, ExBf, I’m damaged goods. Used and Abused. You need a good woman, with no past, no baggages. Not me.

 

I know you hate ExHusband, the night you started mumbling about hurting him because he hurt me, when you were drunk after your bucks night. I decided not to share anything more because I don’t want you to feel responsible for “fixing” me. I know if you could, you will take away all my brokenness and sadness. But you can’t. Only I can do it for myself. The only thing you could have done was to support me and be there when I needed you. That’s really all you had to do. And when you didn’t, I didn’t have the heart to blame you either. You did what you needed to do for yourself, that’s fair. I understand completely.

 

I’m scared, ExBf. I’m scared of the hurt I will give you if you want to grow old with me and I cannot bear hurting you again. Beneath all these insecurities, lies the real SugarLove, the one you fell in love with. Every day is a step closer to being my true self, I’m excited.  Right now, I’m just a work in progress to become the person that I was when you met me. The happy, beaming girl who loves you. It may take months, may take years, if it’s meant to be, we’ll be together again because everyone can see we were so happy together. It’s not a false happiness but it’s tragic at this moment in time, I can’t be with you.  I cannot ask you to wait for me, it’s too selfish and not my choice to make. The relationship is broken, I need to accept that I broke it on my own. You need to do what is BEST for you, always. I said that to you from the start.  I want you to know that I’m happy for you if you have found someone who loves you the way you deserve. Because all I want is for you to be happy. Happy like the times we were together in X, carefree and in love. I want that for you because I love you more.  Thank you for spending a year with me. It was beautiful. 

 

P.S. I don’t think you’ll get this email because you’ve blocked me off. You did what you need to do to protect your heart, I hurt you. I accept that I did all that. If you don’t read this email, then you’ll never know what I just wrote. I will try my best to stop contacting you, it’s a loss of control but hopefully, more counselling and meds will help me. Once I know I’m back to who I am, the same SugarLove you once loved, only then can I bring myself to see you. Before then, I simply can’t. I’m sorry.

 

 

Kindest,

[sugarlove]

That's my email.. it's longish. But I felt I said what I needed to say.

 

Yet I regret sending it because he never read it.

[FredJones80]

That's my email.. it's longish. But I felt I said what I needed to say.

 

Yet I regret sending it because he never read it.

 

Sugarlove, when I reply to you, I reply with experience, because I have been your "Ex"

 

Listen to me when I tell you... send him the same email in a letter by physical mail!

 

It’s easy to blame my inability to love fully due to 6 years of living with domestic violence but I can’t. I chose the man, I have to atone for my mistake.

 

BTW, it isn't easy and it is a definite cause. You are NOT to blame, you did not choose to be abused, stop with this train of thinking. The only person to blame is your EX Husband, no one else.

 

You have to let your ex decide if he is prepared to put up with your "baggage" - it isn't for you to decide for him and if you choose for him and he is prepared to be with you then you are hurting him unnecessarily.

 

He might choose not to be with you, he might choose to be with you, but it has to be his choice, not yours.

[sugarlove]

Another issue is that I felt he abandoned me, just like the way my ex husband abandoned me. It's giving me flashbacks. The day he deleted me off Facebook, I was feeling sick and about to throw up. It's deja vu all over again.

 

And because he has now cut off all communication, everything you can imagine for me to contact him, he has blocked it all off me, I felt like I don't exist anymore. It's like everything we had for a year was a lie. Yet I know it's not his fault with this, it's my fault.

[sugarlove]

I'm sorry I'm just sitting here in front of my computer crying. I told him a million reasons, I said sorry so many times I felt like I'm a liar. But this, me sending this in the form of a real letter, I felt I can't do it... i'm all shook up and hyperventilating and I'm not sure why.

[FredJones80]

You have rejection issues, another side effect.

 

I can't say much more... send him the letter or you'll never know.

[sugarlove]

Maybe I do.. I find it's safe texting him and emailing him, knowing he blocked me off. So my secrets are safe.. in a way. I don't know.

 

Should I write my letter out or typed it... or perhaps I should wait and give him a bit of space since I've been a loony since breakup?

[FredJones80]

Should I write my letter out or typed it... or perhaps I should wait and give him a bit of space since I've been a loony since breakup?

 

I don't think it matters, as long as you send it you know he received it. Then don't contact him.

 

He has more chance of reading it and then give him time to process it, do not contact him asking if he read it, do not contact him asking if he had thought, leave him to his own devices.

 

It will be hard but if he understands your situation he may come around... he may not, but you have to leave him to that decision after you have explained your medical diagnosis.

[sugarlove]

Mm. Okay. I guess I have nothing to lose. I just hope I'm not pushing him with this letter, pressuring him out of guilt. They said if it's true love, set it free and when they return then I'll know.

 

I will take 2 days to think about the letter, and see if I can rewrite it... shorter. It's so long, I think he might not read it....

 

He knows I love him and I know he loves me as well. My logical mind said if he didn't love me, he would not have wanted to build a life with me. And accepting my kids and all that. And I recognised it's hard for him.. both trust has been broken due to my lack of communication. I have tried all I can to salvage this, I went out of my way to make this right. I"m taking steps to fix myself, this will be my last attempt at reconciliation.. he might not want me back, I have to accept that.

 

Thanks FredJones80, you really helped me sort out my thoughts.

[FredJones80]

No problem, don't beat yourself up about it, you didn't cause your situation, you just have to live with it.

 

Easier said than done.

 

Stay positive.