Betrayed after 4 years..did she ever really love me? [updates]

[1630chicago]

Hey guys - new user hoping for any words of wisdom or analysis you can provide. Here is the backstory (apologize for the length).

 

I just turned 28 and she is about to turn 27. We met over 4 years ago when I was 23 (about to turn 24) and she was 22 (about to turn 23). From the first moment we met, there was an incredible instant connection and we were inseparable. We were best friends, complimented and completed each other perfectly, etc. The thing I loved most about her was that I always felt like I could trust her completely – she was always there for me, always stood by me during the tough times, and never wavered in her love and support for me and for our relationship.

 

Over the past 4+ years, we've obviously been through a lot together - getting situated with our careers, starting and completing grad school (she finished last year, I am finishing this year), family illnesses, etc. We were always there for each other through it all, and have essentially been living like a married couple the past 3.5 years.

 

Despite our closeness, she always moved slowly, and so even though we spent every night together and were always around each other, she was hesitant to move in together until 2.5 years into our relationship (due to our respective commutes to school, we ended up keeping separate places until 3.5 years), and she always seemed to think it was weird when our friends started to get engaged and get married. I knew she had been hurt before in one previous relationship, and that she moved more cautiously than I did, and so while it wasn't my preference, I was willing to move at her pace.

 

This past summer, I interned for a prestigious management consulting firm in my hometown, and had to decide at the end of the summer whether to accept a position for the following year in my hometown city or switch to the office in Chicago where we have been living for the past 6 years. I wanted to be in my hometown, and she was willing to move for me, but with her job and friends in Chicago, it seemed easier to be there, and I was willing to switch and stay in Chicago to make things easier on her if we were truly 100% committed to each other. We had that conversation, decided we were, and I switched to Chicago, prepared to get engaged once I finished school that year. We moved in together in August, finally, and everything was easy and great, albeit routine.

 

This spring, between valentines day and our anniversary in March, there was a noticeable lack of affection on her end. She was working long hours, and seemed to always be tired, which I attributed to work at the time. I would bring up my frustration with frequently being rebuffed, but we still had a very close physical relationship (just not manifested through sex). In March, we went on vacation to the Cayman Islands. The Saturday after we got back, my birthday weekend, she woke up and was upset. She said she hadn't been happy and thought we should break up. This had happened once before in our relationship (6 months in), but it was due to a big school decision that was causing her stress and that I was (wrongly) pressuring her about, and we ultimately resolved everything that day. This time, we talked about how she was feeling, about our future, and about the need to decide one way or the other after 4+ years. From that, we began a state of limbo, where we would take time to work on our relationship and ultimately make a decision over the next month on our future together.

 

The conversation caught me off guard and served as a huge wake-up call for me. The reality of possibly losing her made me realize that I did not want to live my life without her. I was determined to win her back, and began to do everything in my power to show her how much I loved and appreciated her. During this time, our relationship was much better, and she was very reassuring and made me think that things would ultimately work out.

 

10 days after our original talk, and after numerous other talks and emails in the preceding days, we sat down to talk again and I said how hard this was on me, and how I didn't know how much longer I could handle the uncertainty. She seemed to wake up to what was happening, saying "oh god" when realizing what she had put me through the past 10 days. She said she wanted to take breaking up off the table, that she was 100% committed to us and to getting engaged, etc.

 

Over the next three weeks, our relationship continued to be great (at least in my opinion). We were appreciating each other more, being more affectionate and planning our future together (buying new kitchen ware we needed, shopping for engagement rings, looking at our next apt, discussing the type of dog that we were planning to get, etc.). Last weekend, we went running together, went out to dinner on Saturday night, checked out a new apartment on Sunday and cooked dinner on Sunday night. On Monday morning, we talked about a non-refundable hotel that we were planning to book for an upcoming Europe trip together. I said I was going to book it that day, and she said to do it.

 

On Monday night, she got home, and I could tell something was wrong. I asked if it was about us, and she said that while things had been better, she still wasn't happy, and felt like something was missing/that she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right.

 

She comes from a family that is not as expressive or open with communicating, and so it is sometimes hard for her to communicate her feelings. It is a frustration, because I am very open and like to talk things out, and sometimes feel that I have to tiptoe around the issue or else she will get upset and cry and we won't be able to resolve anything. However, it is something she is working on and something I accept about her, because I love her for who she is.

 

In any case, she couldn't give me much more in the way of details, said she "didn't know" what was wrong, and that she would spend the night on the couch. I ended up taking the couch, and over the course of the night I came into our bedroom a few times because I was torn up. Eventually, I went back to sleep on the couch and she came out and spent the rest of the night with me on the couch. On Tuesday morning, she said she wanted to spend the night at her best friend's, and thought a day apart would be helpful. That day and the next, she was cold and limited in responding to my emails and texts.

 

On Wednesday night, she came home to talk. We held each other and cried. I asked if this is what she really wanted, and she said "I don't know." I asked if there was any hope left for us, and she said "I don't know, maybe a little, but I don't know." She wouldn't tell me much else, and I couldn't pull teeth to find out the information. She ended up falling asleep in my arms on the couch. We went to bed and more or less held each other through the night (though she seemed conflicted about it).

 

On Thursday morning, we agreed that I would give her space and not contact her through the weekend while I was at home. We kissed, and she left. When I landed on Thursday night, I texted her to tell her I got in safe, and asked her to keep an open mind and think about giving us a second chance over the weekend. She said she was so sorry, that she hoped I could enjoy the time with my family, and that "Yes I do want to take this time to think. I want to do the right thing and I want to keep an open mind." Since then, I've realized that I shouldn't have begged or texted, and I am trying not to communicate with her. I only heard from her on Sunday morning (today), when she texted to ask if I would be back Sunday or Monday (I had told her when I left that I would be back Monday).

 

I guess I'm struggling because I don't know what changed or why, and she won't give me answers. She claims that there is no one else, and I have no reason to suspect that there would be. I know that she has been thinking about this for a long time (she is not a rash decision-maker), and she says that she has been feeling this way for "a few months, maybe more." She is unhappy and seems to feel like something is missing, but either can't or won't describe what it is. I know she has been working long hours, and I don't know if that has contributed to her unhappiness.

 

During the last year of our relationship, I went through a period where I had questions and doubts. Part of it was fueled by a lack of excitement and just the monotonous routine that we had gotten into, part of it was fueled by the reality that this is the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I still loved her and did everything I could to make her happy, however. I don't know if she has the same feelings now, or what she is thinking.

 

I feel as though I have been left at the alter. All of a sudden, I don't recognize the person I have shared the last four years of my life with. I think back and can't figure out anything big that I did wrong to cause this. I always cared for her, went out of my way to make her happy and do for her, etc. I know I need to have respect for myself, and that her actions are inexcusable, but at the same time, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this person. How do I give up on that? I'm trying to follow the no contact advice, and I know that irrespective of what happens when I get home on Monday, we will need to take a break and she will have to move out, but it is all selfishly in an effort to get her to wake up and realize what she's done, and hopefully come back to me.

 

Any thoughts to help interpret what is happening, how I should respond/move forward, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

[1630chicago]

Hey guys - new user hoping for any words of wisdom or analysis you can provide. Here is the backstory (apologize for the length).

 

I just turned 28 and she is about to turn 27. We met over 4 years ago when I was 23 (about to turn 24) and she was 22 (about to turn 23). From the first moment we met, there was an incredible instant connection and we were inseparable. We were best friends, complimented and completed each other perfectly, etc. The thing I loved most about her was that I always felt like I could trust her completely – she was always there for me, always stood by me during the tough times, and never wavered in her love and support for me and for our relationship.

 

Over the past 4+ years, we've obviously been through a lot together - getting situated with our careers, starting and completing grad school (she finished last year, I am finishing this year), family illnesses, etc. We were always there for each other through it all, and have essentially been living like a married couple the past 3.5 years.

 

Despite our closeness, she always moved slowly, and so even though we spent every night together and were always around each other, she was hesitant to move in together until 2.5 years into our relationship (due to our respective commutes to school, we ended up keeping separate places until 3.5 years), and she always seemed to think it was weird when our friends started to get engaged and get married. I knew she had been hurt before in one previous relationship, and that she moved more cautiously than I did, and so while it wasn't my preference, I was willing to move at her pace.

 

This past summer, I interned for a prestigious management consulting firm in my hometown, and had to decide at the end of the summer whether to accept a position for the following year in my hometown city or switch to the office in Chicago where we have been living for the past 6 years. I wanted to be in my hometown, and she was willing to move for me, but with her job and friends in Chicago, it seemed easier to be there, and I was willing to switch and stay in Chicago to make things easier on her if we were truly 100% committed to each other. We had that conversation, decided we were, and I switched to Chicago, prepared to get engaged once I finished school that year. We moved in together in August, finally, and everything was easy and great, albeit routine.

 

This spring, between valentines day and our anniversary in March, there was a noticeable lack of affection on her end. She was working long hours, and seemed to always be tired, which I attributed to work at the time. I would bring up my frustration with frequently being rebuffed, but we still had a very close physical relationship (just not manifested through sex). In March, we went on vacation to the Cayman Islands. The Saturday after we got back, my birthday weekend, she woke up and was upset. She said she hadn't been happy and thought we should break up. This had happened once before in our relationship (6 months in), but it was due to a big school decision that was causing her stress and that I was (wrongly) pressuring her about, and we ultimately resolved everything that day. This time, we talked about how she was feeling, about our future, and about the need to decide one way or the other after 4+ years. From that, we began a state of limbo, where we would take time to work on our relationship and ultimately make a decision over the next month on our future together.

 

The conversation caught me off guard and served as a huge wake-up call for me. The reality of possibly losing her made me realize that I did not want to live my life without her. I was determined to win her back, and began to do everything in my power to show her how much I loved and appreciated her. During this time, our relationship was much better, and she was very reassuring and made me think that things would ultimately work out.

 

10 days after our original talk, and after numerous other talks and emails in the preceding days, we sat down to talk again and I said how hard this was on me, and how I didn't know how much longer I could handle the uncertainty. She seemed to wake up to what was happening, saying "oh god" when realizing what she had put me through the past 10 days. She said she wanted to take breaking up off the table, that she was 100% committed to us and to getting engaged, etc.

 

Over the next three weeks, our relationship continued to be great (at least in my opinion). We were appreciating each other more, being more affectionate and planning our future together (buying new kitchen ware we needed, shopping for engagement rings, looking at our next apt, discussing the type of dog that we were planning to get, etc.). Last weekend, we went running together, went out to dinner on Saturday night, checked out a new apartment on Sunday and cooked dinner on Sunday night. On Monday morning, we talked about a non-refundable hotel that we were planning to book for an upcoming Europe trip together. I said I was going to book it that day, and she said to do it.

 

On Monday night, she got home, and I could tell something was wrong. I asked if it was about us, and she said that while things had been better, she still wasn't happy, and felt like something was missing/that she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right.

 

She comes from a family that is not as expressive or open with communicating, and so it is sometimes hard for her to communicate her feelings. It is a frustration, because I am very open and like to talk things out, and sometimes feel that I have to tiptoe around the issue or else she will get upset and cry and we won't be able to resolve anything. However, it is something she is working on and something I accept about her, because I love her for who she is.

 

In any case, she couldn't give me much more in the way of details, said she "didn't know" what was wrong, and that she would spend the night on the couch. I ended up taking the couch, and over the course of the night I came into our bedroom a few times because I was torn up. Eventually, I went back to sleep on the couch and she came out and spent the rest of the night with me on the couch. On Tuesday morning, she said she wanted to spend the night at her best friend's, and thought a day apart would be helpful. That day and the next, she was cold and limited in responding to my emails and texts.

 

On Wednesday night, she came home to talk. We held each other and cried. I asked if this is what she really wanted, and she said "I don't know." I asked if there was any hope left for us, and she said "I don't know, maybe a little, but I don't know." She wouldn't tell me much else, and I couldn't pull teeth to find out the information. She ended up falling asleep in my arms on the couch. We went to bed and more or less held each other through the night (though she seemed conflicted about it).

 

On Thursday morning, we agreed that I would give her space and not contact her through the weekend while I was at home. We kissed, and she left. When I landed on Thursday night, I texted her to tell her I got in safe, and asked her to keep an open mind and think about giving us a second chance over the weekend. She said she was so sorry, that she hoped I could enjoy the time with my family, and that "Yes I do want to take this time to think. I want to do the right thing and I want to keep an open mind." Since then, I've realized that I shouldn't have begged or texted, and I am trying not to communicate with her. I only heard from her on Sunday morning (today), when she texted to ask if I would be back Sunday or Monday (I had told her when I left that I would be back Monday).

 

I guess I'm struggling because I don't know what changed or why, and she won't give me answers. She claims that there is no one else, and I have no reason to suspect that there would be. I know that she has been thinking about this for a long time (she is not a rash decision-maker), and she says that she has been feeling this way for "a few months, maybe more." She is unhappy and seems to feel like something is missing, but either can't or won't describe what it is. I know she has been working long hours, and I don't know if that has contributed to her unhappiness.

 

During the last year of our relationship, I went through a period where I had questions and doubts. Part of it was fueled by a lack of excitement and just the monotonous routine that we had gotten into, part of it was fueled by the reality that this is the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I still loved her and did everything I could to make her happy, however. I don't know if she has the same feelings now, or what she is thinking.

 

I feel as though I have been left at the alter. All of a sudden, I don't recognize the person I have shared the last four years of my life with. I think back and can't figure out anything big that I did wrong to cause this. I always cared for her, went out of my way to make her happy and do for her, etc. I know I need to have respect for myself, and that her actions are inexcusable, but at the same time, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this person. How do I give up on that? I'm trying to follow the no contact advice, and I know that irrespective of what happens when I get home on Monday, we will need to take a break and she will have to move out, but it is all selfishly in an effort to get her to wake up and realize what she's done, and hopefully come back to me.

 

Any thoughts to help interpret what is happening, how I should respond/move forward, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

[FredJones80]

Is it me or do I keep seeing the same topics coming up days later. I'm sure I've seen this before?

[Hawkeye2424]

I wish I had some advice but all I can offer is that I'm in a very similar situation right now and I am also at a loss. We have had a fantastic relationship and live together and seemed to be moving at the same pace. But he broke up with me out of the blue this weekend and I have no idea why. He says he's not happy but never has talked about this before. So I may not be able to help but I'm feeling your pain and insecurity right now. I wish you luck

[lolablue17]

You have two choices:

 

1. Break up immediatly and initiate full NC no matter how many times and ways she'll try to reach you.

 

2. Dragging it more, living in hell, ruin youself, and then starting the process i wrote in section 1.

[Brutus]

I guess I'm struggling because I don't know what changed or why, and she won't give me answers. She claims that there is no one else, and I have no reason to suspect that there would be. I know that she has been thinking about this for a long time (she is not a rash decision-maker), and she says that she has been feeling this way for "a few months, maybe more." She is unhappy and seems to feel like something is missing, but either can't or won't describe what it is. I know she has been working long hours, and I don't know if that has contributed to her unhappiness.

 

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. This is possibly the worst moment and yes, I have been in that “limbo” as well. Uncertainty is the most terrible part of it, as you do not know what will happen next and you have no control.

 

 

Your girlfriend seems to be behaving exactly like mine did: as a conflict-avoider. Treating you this way, giving you no answers and deciding about the future of your relationship without letting you have any part in the decision-making is very selfish, immature and unfair. I call this kind of people “hedgehog people”. My ex was also, like her father, incapable of or unwilling to share her feelings with me, she closed in herself, got angry when I asked questions, let our relationship deteriorate into a state of mistrust, uncertainty, jealousy, incommunicability and, when things got too bad, finally presented me with the final decision to break up telling me it is “too late”. I never knew why she did so, and like your girlfriend her only answers were “I do not know”. I had no part to play, she never felt I deserved any explanation or the chance to fix things before it was “too late”. She did it all herself.

 

 

Communication is essential to make a relationship work. This kind of people is incapable of doing it. You love them, and accept them as they are, but this problem will come out soon or later. And in your case it just did.

 

 

If I try to analyse the behaviour of your gf and compare it with my ex, I see many similarities. Sudden lack of affection, work-related stress (wrongly considered as the cause of the problem), increasing frustration on your side and attempt to improve things, the state of limbo, the unbearable fear of losing her and the attempt to show how much you care, the inevitable breakdown, her reaction of stepping back, the incapacity or unwillingness to explain anything but the feeling that “something is wrong”. Her saying that she has been in a crisis for a few weeks already, claiming that there is no one else, and then asking for time, for space… I have seen this movie already, and I am sorry to say that this is not likely to have a happy ending.

 

 

You have ahead of you a very difficult time, in my case, the most difficult in my life. You cannot control her emotions and if she wants to break up with you there is little you can do. As said many times on this forum, do not trust her words (e.g. that “she was 100% committed to us”, etc.) but her actions. My ex told me she cannot live without me 4 days before leaving me. They lie, sometimes in good faith, but they lie. You have to play it cool, make it clear that her behaviour is unfair and that you do not deserve it. Be ready for the worst case scenario and do not make the mistake we all do: do not humiliate yourself, do not become the miserable person many of us tend to become in this heart-breaking moment. This is not the person she fell in love with. You have to show the best of yourself, if not to have better chances at least to show her what she will miss.

 

 

There will be moments (if there aren’t already) when you will crave for answers and this need will make you think horrible things (I was even considering hacking my ex account in order to find out the truth I so terribly needed). Don’t give in. She may not know the answers herself, and even if you find them out it will not help you, as they will most likely be hurtful.

 

 

 

I did not want to give you false hopes, sorry if I have been a bit too harsh.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Brutus

[FredJones80]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. This is possibly the worst moment and yes, I have been in that “limbo” as well. Uncertainty is the most terrible part of it, as you do not know what will happen next and you have no control.

 

Brutus, that was an amazing piece, pretty much summed up my situation. I'd like to speak with you more in depth.

[giblesp]

I've been in a similar situation, also in a 4 year relationship.

 

To be honest, when a woman says 'I don't know,' or 'Something has changed,' its about to end. I'm sorry to have to say something which is very painful to hear. You can talk to her, hold her all night, its not going to change the way she feels.

 

There is one thing you can do to save the relationship, if its strong enough to be saved and if its meant to be between the two of you. Leave the relationship. Keep the door open by telling here she can contact you if she wants you back, but you're walking away and will keep walking by yourself further and further away unless she calls out to you.

 

Because you're a man and unless a woman is wanting you like you want her, you must walk alone and take your pain.

 

Do this and if she loves you and wants you, you'll hear from her soon. Otherwise, its going to hurt for a while and then you'll meet someone else.

[ja123]

Do you have any updates on this?

 

 

As for what you wrote, above, I don't think you've done anything wrong. It is very difficult to say what is in her mind, and it sounds like she doesn't know exactly herself. The only thing you can do right now, I think, is to give her space. You've been very clear about your position which is very good. Now the rest is out of your hands and up to her.

[1630chicago]

She moved out today, leaving me with a half empty apartment and the remnants of the life we used to share. For 4+ years we had a seemingly amazing relationship. From day one, we were always together, best friends, supportive, etc. We had the kind of relationship that everyone else envied. We're in our late-20's now, so we grew up together through our relationship, but were both somewhat mature adults even when we first started dating. I always thought we would be together forever, and I never thought she would be capable of hurting me like this. It is still hard to believe. I was always the confident and mature one leading us forward, and she was always the more timid and quiet one, but our dynamic worked, and I loved her for who she was. We were great to each other, and I went out of my way to do whatever I could to make her happy.

 

Over the past few months, she started to grow distant. She began to rebuff my sexual advances and our sex life suffered (though still continued sporadically). She wasn't as responsive to emails and texts at work, and started working longer hours as her workload increased. Still, we spent lots of time together, were affectionate, discussed the future, and seemed to be interacting normally.

 

I only truly noticed these things in hindsight, and so up until the end, I had little awareness that she was unhappy or thinking about leaving. She claims that these feelings only came on in the past few months, but how can i know? I struggle with wondering whether these past four years were all a lie..did she ever truly love me? Her words and actions always implied she did, but then how could she turn on us so quickly? Within 2 weeks we went from looking at engagement rings to her moving out. She didn't even care enough to stay and try to make things work, despite my misguided attempts to reason with her. I'm just at a loss, and can't understand how the person I trusted and loved and shared everything with and thought I knew could turn and betray me like this. I think of all the trials and tribulations we went through, all the trips and times with family, all the hugs and kisses and mornings spent in bed, and I can't fathom how this person could all of a sudden change like that. What is she thinking or feeling right now?

[1630chicago]

It makes me angry because I don't know what I did wrong. We both lived balanced lives, had good jobs, exercised and stayed in shape, did fun things together and with friends. I know I didn't change, and I'm not sure what happened to her.

 

I feel so betrayed and lost and afraid that I will never completely recover from this. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever been with, checked all the boxes, and seemingly loved me more than anyone else I had ever met for four great years. Both of our families expected we would get married, and we talked about it all the time. How do I pick up the pieces and ultimately move on with someone else? How do I stop thinking about her? How do you deal with the simultaneous loss of your best friend, confidant and partner, your expected future, your previous four years of memories, as well as the knowledge that the person you loved and shared your life with could just stop loving you and toss you aside like yesterday's trash?

[Radu]

What did she actually say about it ?

 

Start from the beginning.

[No Limit]

Guess her other man blew her off her feet. Guess she's made you a side-piece for months now.

 

Don't cry over her, woman like that really aren't worth it.

The usual ordeal; absolute no contact and time. Only these 2 can help.

[Elle1975]

She moved out today, leaving me with a half empty apartment and the remnants of the life we used to share. For 4+ years we had a seemingly amazing relationship. From day one, we were always together, best friends, supportive, etc. We had the kind of relationship that everyone else envied. We're in our late-20's now, so we grew up together through our relationship, but were both somewhat mature adults even when we first started dating. I always thought we would be together forever, and I never thought she would be capable of hurting me like this. It is still hard to believe. I was always the confident and mature one leading us forward, and she was always the more timid and quiet one, but our dynamic worked, and I loved her for who she was. We were great to each other, and I went out of my way to do whatever I could to make her happy.

 

Over the past few months, she started to grow distant. She began to rebuff my sexual advances and our sex life suffered (though still continued sporadically). She wasn't as responsive to emails and texts at work, and started working longer hours as her workload increased. Still, we spent lots of time together, were affectionate, discussed the future, and seemed to be interacting normally.

 

I only truly noticed these things in hindsight, and so up until the end, I had little awareness that she was unhappy or thinking about leaving. She claims that these feelings only came on in the past few months, but how can i know? I struggle with wondering whether these past four years were all a lie..did she ever truly love me? Her words and actions always implied she did, but then how could she turn on us so quickly? Within 2 weeks we went from looking at engagement rings to her moving out. She didn't even care enough to stay and try to make things work, despite my misguided attempts to reason with her. I'm just at a loss, and can't understand how the person I trusted and loved and shared everything with and thought I knew could turn and betray me like this. I think of all the trials and tribulations we went through, all the trips and times with family, all the hugs and kisses and mornings spent in bed, and I can't fathom how this person could all of a sudden change like that. What is she thinking or feeling right now?

 

You talk about her getting distant, love life going down hill, and long hours at work.. so I'm assuming another man.

 

I do believe she loved you, yes.

[1630chicago]

Here's an overview of what transpired, as you asked:

 

 

 

The first weekend in April, my birthday weekend, she woke up and was upset. She said she hadn't been happy and thought we should break up. This had happened once before in our relationship (6 months in), but it was due to a big school decision that was causing her stress and that I was (wrongly) pressuring her about, and we ultimately resolved everything that day. This time, we talked about how she was feeling, about our future, and about the need to decide one way or the other after 4+ years. From that, we began a state of limbo, where we would take time to work on our relationship and ultimately make a decision over the next month on our future together.

 

The conversation caught me off guard and served as a huge wake-up call for me. The reality of possibly losing her made me realize that I did not want to live my life without her. I was determined to win her back. 10 days after our original talk, and after numerous other talks and emails in the preceding days, we sat down to talk again and I said how hard this was on me, and how I didn't know how much longer I could do it. She seemed to wake up to what was happening, saying "oh god" when realizing what she had put me through the past 10 days. She said she wanted to take breaking up off the table, that she was 100% committed to us and to getting engaged, etc.

 

Over the next three weeks, our relationship continued to be great (at least in my opinion). We were appreciating each other more, being more affectionate and planning our future together (buying new kitchen ware we needed, shopping for engagement rings, looking at our next apt, discussing the type of dog that we were planning to get, etc.). Last weekend, we went running together, went out to dinner on Saturday night, checked out a new apartment on Sunday and cooked dinner on Sunday night. On Monday morning, we talked about a non-refundable hotel that we were planning to book for an upcoming Europe trip together. I said I was going to book it that day, and she said to do it.

 

On Monday night, she got home, and I could tell something was wrong. I asked if it was about us, and she said that while things had been better, she still wasn't happy, and felt like something was missing/that she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right.

 

She comes from a family that is not as expressive or open with communicating, and so it is sometimes hard for her to communicate her feelings.

 

In any case, she couldn't give me much more in the way of details, said she "didn't know" what was wrong, and that she would spend the night on the couch. I ended up taking the couch, and over the course of the night I came into our bedroom a few times because I was torn up. Eventually, I went back to sleep on the couch and she came out and spent the rest of the night with me on the couch. On Tuesday morning, she said she wanted to spend the night at her best friend's, and thought a day apart would be helpful. That day and the next, she was cold and limited in responding to my emails and texts.

 

On Wednesday night, she came home to talk. We held each other and cried. I asked if this is what she really wanted, and she said "I don't know." I asked if there was any hope left for us, and she said "I don't know, maybe a little, but I don't know." She wouldn't tell me much else, and I couldn't pull teeth to find out the information. She ended up falling asleep in my arms on the couch. We went to bed and more or less held each other through the night (though she seemed conflicted about it).

 

On Thursday morning, we agreed that I would give her space and not contact her through the weekend while I was at home. We kissed, and she left. When I landed on Thursday night, I texted her to tell her I got in safe, and asked her to keep an open mind and think about giving us a second chance over the weekend. She said she was so sorry, that she hoped I could enjoy the time with my family, and that "Yes I do want to take this time to think. I want to do the right thing and I want to keep an open mind."

 

When I returned on Monday evening, she was home and lying on the couch crying. She asked me what I thought about us, I told her that she knew how I felt, and after some discussion she eventually said that she thought she should move out. I tried to be strong but ended up pleading with her to stay and at least try to work on things. By Wednesday, she had found a place and moved out yesterday (Thurs). Even on Wednesday evening, when I came home while she was packing, she started crying and saying that she still loved me and cared about me and was still attracted to me. Through it all, I tried to be caring (my mistake), even saying how much I cherished the four years we had together. I know she is a much better person today because of the time we shared, but she could barely even say that to me (though she did).

 

She was such a pure person during the time that I knew her and I just can’t fathom how the person that I knew for the last four years could also be the person that I’ve experienced over the last week. I just never expected to be in this position.

 

 

 

She swears there is no one else and I tend to believe her. She was always a very honest and caring person, part of what I loved about her, and I can't think of many opportunities when she could have been with someone else, since we spent most weekends and evenings together. Perhaps an hour before or after work at most, but seems unlikely.

 

 

Appreciate your thoughts and insight. Sorry for the lengthy description.

[1630chicago]

Perhaps I'm just too naive or nice of a person that I just can't fathom how someone could do this to someone else who they loved and spent four years with in a deeply close and committed relationship. We lived together and had all sorts of exciting future plans. We shared all the same interests, beliefs, etc. - just a perfect match. I was so good to her and if anything, only became a better and more appealing person over time (imo). She was always the one that missed me terribly when we were apart, that always wanted to be together and spend time together, and that communicated constantly over the course of the day. I just can't fathom what happened that caused her to change.

 

Even if she no longer cared for me as she once did, to be cold and callous about it seems so unnecessary.

[1630chicago]

When I returned on Monday evening, she was home and lying on the couch crying. She asked me what I thought about us, I told her that she knew how I felt, and she said that she thought she should move out. I tried to be strong but ended up pleading with her to stay and at least try to work on things. By Wednesday, she had found a place and moved out yesterday (Thurs). Even on Wednesday evening, when I came home while she was packing, she started crying and said that she still loved me and cared about me and was still attracted to me, but I couldn't tell if she truly meant it. Through it all, I tried to be caring (my mistake), even saying how much I cherished the four years we had together. I know she is a much better person today because of the time we shared, but she could barely even say that to me (though she did).

 

She was such a decent and pure person during the time that I knew her and I just can’t fathom how the person that I knew for the last four years could also be the person that I’ve experienced over the last week. I just never expected to be in this position and I don't know how everything changed so suddenly. I feel like she is happy to be free of me and that kills me. Wouldn't be surprised to find out she is with someone else in the near future.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it was me, I would let her go. You can't buy her way back into your life and if she has the need to move on then the last thing I would do is beg her. That will get you no where.

 

Something here isn't exactly right though. If everything was all peaches and cream and you and her are making all these plans and then she lowers the boom on you, I have to ask how sure you are that there isn't someone else that came into her life.

 

The only thing I can tell you to do is keep your eyes and ears open and maybe you'll find out what caused it but the downside to that is if you go that route, then you wont be able to move on and I find that unhealthy. I wish you luck and hope you find the answer.

[1630chicago]

I'm not sure, she just never seemed like the type of person that would do something like that, and between living together and spending so much time together, didn't seem like there was much of an opportunity for her to cheat, but I'm sure I could be wrong. I asked her multiple times about it and asked her to be honest, but that doesn't mean she was.

 

Like I said, she isn't as good with communicating her feelings, so when she claimed that she was trying to work on things herself for a long time, it seemed believable. She just never clued me in that she was having doubts until they boiled over and she couldn't do it anymore. Even then, she took time to try to think through things before ultimately deciding to move out. The fact that she was crying and all of that, just seems like that wouldn't be the case if she had been cheating, you know? Or maybe I'm wrong?

 

It makes me feel like such a villian when i did nothing wrong except love her and try to make her happy. I know I should have kicked her to the curb the second she said she thought she might want to break-up, but we were looking at engagement rings, this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was hard to just give up on that because suddenly she was having doubts. I had had doubts in the past, so I felt like i understood and thought maybe she was just reacting more severely to them than I had. Just searching for answers to my shattered life that I'm afraid I may never find.

[1630chicago]

Also, I feel like if there was someone else she would have just left at the beginning of april when she first brought up breaking up, and not hung on for another month (re-committing after one week). That makes me think she really was trying to make it work. Not sure why it couldn't or didn't for her though. Still just in shock over all of this. She was the sweetest and kindest person and we had the best relationship for so long. We were partners and best friends and confidants and a team, and I thought we would always be that way. I just don't understand what changed for her and how she could turn her back on us.

[Eddie007]

Your story sounds so familiar to mine. Same amount of time together however we were already engaged. I know what you're going through. It sucks not knowing why and having no answers. It's been 9 months for me. I'm in a lot better place. She has never once tried to contact me. You have to let go. It will get better.

[snappytomcat]

Perhaps I'm just too naive or nice of a person that I just can't fathom how someone could do this to someone else who they loved and spent four years with in a deeply close and committed relationship. We lived together and had all sorts of exciting future plans. We shared all the same interests, beliefs, etc. - just a perfect match. I was so good to her and if anything, only became a better and more appealing person over time (imo). She was always the one that missed me terribly when we were apart, that always wanted to be together and spend time together, and that communicated constantly over the course of the day. I just can't fathom what happened that caused her to change.

 

Even if she no longer cared for me as she once did, to be cold and callous about it seems so unnecessary.

dear chicago

im sorry this is happenening to you,and it can happen in a loving committed relationship,my husband and I have been together for over 20 years.

about 2 years ago he became distant,and I kep asking him what was wrong?he would say work stress etc,i would ask are we ok?he would say yes,but I could feel something in my gut,that something was going on with him,and of course last june I found out about his affair.

it sounds like the same thing that your gf,is doing I hope shes not,but I wouldn't put it past her at this point.

I don't doubt that she loves you very much,maybe shes confused,my husband became cold,and callous also

im not saying that she has another man,but sure seems like it,and for your sake I hope im wrong

good luck

[muzik_lvr]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I know that it must be extremely difficult. I hope that you are able to heal and take the time you need for that. As others have mentioned, I would recommend giving her the space that she wants/needs right now. It won’t do any good to pursue her or question her at this point. It will likely only push her further away. Perhaps, you can have an opportunity to talk with her in the future when both of your heads & emotions are cleared. Here are a few thoughts/questions I had when reading your story:

 

Reading your story, you describe your relationship as if it was perfect with no issues or hardships. Did you two ever have any (healthy) disagreements, or discussions about differences? I am not saying there should have been lots of arguments, but if there were no at least open & honest conversations about disagreements or differences that you worked through together, that would be a cause for concern.

 

Did the two of you ever discuss marriage? Perhaps she had been waiting on this to be initiated, and got to the point where she didn’t want to wait any longer. Admittedly I do not know your ex-gf, and this could have nothing to do with it, but I have heard stories of this in the past, in which it caused women to want to leave the relationship after waiting for so long.

 

The last thing I will say is, human beings are dynamic and extremely complex, and cannot/should not be put in a box. You said numerous times that you just don’t know what would cause her to do this, but the reality is your ex-gf is a very complex person with complex thoughts and feelings, and there are many things that she could have been going through over the course of your relationship that you were not aware of. I say all that to say, try to realize that she is her own human being with her own things she is dealing with as a person, and you would do her well by giving her the time & space she needs to figure some of these things out. Perhaps a post I wrote some time ago might help a little.

[BroknHrt]

Chicago, I was in a relationship for 3 years and thought I would get married to her. We were first loves, grew up together, talked about engagement, the future and everything...Then she broke up with me and was talking to me for 3 months and even hooking up with me occasionally after the break up.

 

She said she had nobody else in the picture and that she wanted to be "independent" and not be in a relationship for awhile. Then I found out she was with another man and she told me she wanted to move on.

 

My advice to you is to not beg or plead with her. If things are weird, then there is probably something that you do not know about. If you leave her life completely on your terms and do not talk to her and make her think that you are over this...then that is when she will come back.

 

Im telling you though that girls are sneaky and they can do things that you would never expect them to do when you were together. Be careful and tread lightly or you will be hurt much much worse later. I assure you.

[FredJones80]

then that is when she will come back.

 

"may"... not "will"