Betrayed after 4 years..did she ever really love me? [updates]

[lil hoodlum]

Chicago,

 

I am sorry to hear all that you are going through. I have personally been in your shoes almost two years ago. Same type of relationship with someone so sweet and wonderful. I was told she wasn't sure how she felt about me and she was confused. Your girl keeps saying she doesn't know.

 

I am sorry to tell you that you are being played. She DOES know but lacks the courage to be honest with you. She also knows exactly what she is doing. Do NOT be mislead. She is removing you from her life so that she can persue someone or something else.

 

Feelings do not just change over night. She is missleading you for a reason. I know how hurtful and painfull it is when someone who you deeply love and trust is not being open and honest about what is going on. I hope that you find the "true" reasoning behind her "not knowing" and confusion. I think that you will also find that there is someone else who is in the picture now.

 

Good luck and please make sure that you are taking care of yourself.

[lil hoodlum]

 

Even if she no longer cared for me as she once did, to be cold and callous about it seems so unnecessary.

 

 

Same thing that happened to me. An overnight 180 in feelings and actions. Also was very cold and callous.

 

To break up someone in that manner is cold, cruel, and cowardly!

[1630chicago]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I have no intention of contacting her moving forward, though it is difficult as there is lots I would like to ask and say.

 

We were each others first true loves, and started dating when we were 23 and 24 years old (now 27 and 28). It just seemed like we were very happy together, at least I know I was. We talked about the future and marriage often - in just the past few weeks we had discussed engagement rings, looked at our next apt, talked about the dog we were planning to get and planned an upcoming trip to Europe. As I mentioned, she had restated her commitment to us and to marriage only 3 weeks before this all happened. I was actually on the phone with a neighbor discussing jewelry shops when she came home and hit me with the news. She claimed that she expected that things would be better, but she was just still feeling the same way. We spent so much time together and were so close, I just feel so betrayed. I'm afraid that I'll compare every girl in the future to her, and none will stack up. She checked all the boxes and was exactly what I was looking for - that is what makes this so sad. I know we were a great pair and I just don't understand why she couldn't see that.

 

In response to the earlier question, we didn't fight often, but we always were able to amicably hash out any issues. She was never the best communicator, so I often had to approach issues gently. I accepted that about her because I loved her for who she was, and I thought she always appreciated my open communication style and how in touch I was with how I was feeling.

 

Just feeling so betrayed by the person you had shared everything with and thought you knew. Feel like I'm in a nightmare - never thought this type of thing would happen to me/us. Sorry for the pity party.

[FredJones80]

Sorry for the pity party.

 

Don't worry about it, there are plenty of people in the same boat. I'm still have no clue in my own situation.

 

Wish I could offer some more advice, problem is, only your ex will know.

[Elle1975]

I'm not sure, she just never seemed like the type of person that would do something like that, and between living together and spending so much time together, didn't seem like there was much of an opportunity for her to cheat, but I'm sure I could be wrong. I asked her multiple times about it and asked her to be honest, but that doesn't mean she was.

 

Like I said, she isn't as good with communicating her feelings, so when she claimed that she was trying to work on things herself for a long time, it seemed believable. She just never clued me in that she was having doubts until they boiled over and she couldn't do it anymore. Even then, she took time to try to think through things before ultimately deciding to move out. The fact that she was crying and all of that, just seems like that wouldn't be the case if she had been cheating, you know? Or maybe I'm wrong?

 

It makes me feel like such a villian when i did nothing wrong except love her and try to make her happy. I know I should have kicked her to the curb the second she said she thought she might want to break-up, but we were looking at engagement rings, this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was hard to just give up on that because suddenly she was having doubts. I had had doubts in the past, so I felt like i understood and thought maybe she was just reacting more severely to them than I had. Just searching for answers to my shattered life that I'm afraid I may never find.

 

I have to jump on the comment that she comes from a family that doesn't communicate feelings, as a reason for not telling you what was going on in her head.

 

While we don't all react the same way to life in general, I come from the same kind of family. It's pretty bad, embarrassing to talk about to people around me. However, I believe that after 4 years, communication should have been there. You seem to be the type of guy who do encourage it. I am thinking of your first break up 6 months in. It seems you were able to discuss things and resolve your issues.

 

In a nutshell, I see it as an excuse.

 

I really don't think she had been using you for the past 4 years. I'm still leaning toward another man, or the prospect of another man. People do fall out of love, as ugly as it is to imagine, could be that too.

 

I however see it as a good thing that she moved out, considering she called it quit. I'd be curious of her motivations, if we ever get the answer.

[lolablue17]

It's very clear to me:

 

1. you said "I was always the confident and mature one leading us forward, and she was always the more timid and quiet one" She probably wanted to develope herself , to grow, and she couldn't do it while you're around, because you're very dominate. it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or loved you. it just means she wants to be an independent, far from your wings.

 

2. Why now? because When it was just a relationship everything was vague. But when you start talking about rings and stuff, it becomes stressed and crucial. The upcoming guillotine gave her the courage to leave.

 

It's Over! She was just the one who noticed that before you did.

[1630chicago]

Sound advice and analysis.

 

I made the mistake of texting her tonight (I know, I know). However, I did glean at least some information. She said that absolutely, there is no one else (at least not for now). She also said she did miss "us", and that she would be willing to get together once we took some time and space.

 

I realize I made a mistake, so from here on out, I'm cutting off all communication. Talked to a few buddies who said what everyone else on here says - cut off communication and move on. Once you move on, there is a pretty good chance they will come back to you, but by that point it doesn't matter anyway so you're in a great position either way.

 

In any case, just wanted to provide a quick update. Going to try to use this post to stay sharp and maintain no contact by posting updates when I'm feeling weak.

[FaithinIron]

Yeah she has another guy. Sorry man. The one thing women have taught me is if they change how they act toward you and dont "know" there is always another guy in the picture.

[lolablue17]

Yeah she has another guy. Sorry man. The one thing women have taught me is if they change how they act toward you and dont "know" there is always another guy in the picture.

 

I agree that it's the most reasonable possibility (there is another guy). But this "other guy" (if he exists) is not important because he is not the reason she left. he was just a tool for her.

[Brutus]

Hey 1630Chicago, as I mentioned in my previous post, I went through a similar experience. I believe we are dealing with conflict-avoider personalities, so I have wrote a post about it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/477401-left-no-reason-conflict-avoider

 

I offer no solutions nor suggestions but I try to analyze why people behave the way your an my exes did. Unfortunately, some people are so unwilling to communicate their feelings, that they rather prefer to see their relationship disintegrate rather than being honest with their partner.

[1630chicago]

Good point Brutus, sounds about right.

 

So this morning I went on fbook and noticed that she had deleted all of our pictures. There is still one up from a half marathon we ran back in Sept, but otherwise they are all gone. Last night when we texted our conversation went essentially like this:

 

Is there any part of you that misses us?

Is there someone else?

Her: "No, no one else. Promise."

"And yes there is"

"The missing part"

 

Then I asked if we could grab a coffee or talk about all of this sometime.

She said: "Yeah we can. I think we should have some space first though"

 

Seriously going no contact now, but give it to me straight guys, is there any hope. I'm gonna try to move on, b/c I know the only chance I would have is if I actually do move on, but still just trying to make sense of all of this. She is such a sweet person and I would never expect her to deceive me or do these awful things.

[1630chicago]

She seems to have taken down all of our photos from facebook and defriended me. ouch.

[1630chicago]

Slight correction - I blocked her, changed my profile pic and my relationship status first.

 

She may have defriended me to retaliate. Apparently our photos are still up, I just can't see them since we're no longer friends on fbook.

[Letmeknow]

Man...I was at that stage of the breakup that you are at right now a few months ago. There is a chance you can get back together with her, but you are screwing that chance up right now. Asking her to meet for coffee or asking her if she misses you is only screwing you over. She knows you will be there for her so she feels free to explore and do whatever she wants in the mean time. It happened to me and then I found out she was with somebody else when she told me the whole time that she wasn't. She promised me in person that she wasn't. You CANNOT TRUST a woman after a break-up.

 

She is somebody that is confused and doesn't know what she wants. If you do not contact her, I mean do not say one word to her then she could possibly talk to you again. When she does talk to you, don't text or answer immediately and make it short and to the point. Man, the only thing that will help your feelings is to accept that the relationship is over.

 

That acceptance to me was the hardest part and still is.

[1630chicago]

You may very well be right that there is someone else. That would at least explain a lot, though it would hurt like hell.

 

But then why not break up when she first brought things up at the beginning of April? Why re-commit to our relationship 10 days later and discuss engagement, next year apartments, getting a dog, etc. for another month before breaking up again? Why spend these past 2 weeks crying and talking, etc. before firmly breaking up.

 

If there was someone else, why not just end it and move on, I guess is my question?

[johnson_j]

If she ended it too early things might not work with the other guy and she would be stuck. now there might not be another guy but I almost guarantee there's some interest in someone else. and no, don't trust her. anything she says should be viewed with suspicion.

[Elle1975]

Sometimes I feel there's someone else, sometimes I feel it's just a way to justify the break up. "it's not me, it's just somebody else".

 

Let's not stereotype. I dated someone before my ex, and I broke up because I realized he was a liar. No other guy. My relationship before? Same, no other guy, just grew tired of his behavior.

 

So.. sometimes there is someone else.. but from my personal experience, it's not always the case. I feel though as "someone else" as the reason for the break up is better than just "I don't love you. You're not the one", which I take as a personal failure, and it hurts me a lot more.

Edited May 17, 2014 by Elle1975

[FredJones80]

Let's not stereotype. I dated someone before my ex, and I broke up because I realized he was a liar. No other guy. My relationship before? Same, no other guy, just grew tired of his behavior.

 

Just out of interest, did you communicate your dislike of his lying and communicate the behaviour to the second one? If they didn't make an effort to change then fair enough.

 

I think the issue with this story is the vagueness of any answers and without a "reason" people second guess, because.. unless you have a reason to leave (like you did) then what is the reason.. unless its a reason you don't want to say (ie; other person)

[Elle1975]

Just out of interest, did you communicate your dislike of his lying and communicate the behaviour to the second one? If they didn't make an effort to change then fair enough.

 

I think the issue with this story is the vagueness of any answers and without a "reason" people second guess, because.. unless you have a reason to leave (like you did) then what is the reason.. unless its a reason you don't want to say (ie; other person)

 

Yes, it's a conversation we had more than once. He had the belief that hiding whatever he felt like hiding, and that I was entitled to know, wasn't a lie. He also bluntly lied to me more than once.. lied to "yes Or no" kind of questions. I confronted him. Finally, I walked away.

 

Same for this other person who's behavior was fishy, at best. He always had so many reasons.. never came clean, till I ended it. All of the sudden he would change, I was the one, and blah blah blah.. It was over, he had had many chances not to f it up.

 

Those two examples were of me being in bad relationships, after my divorce.

[FredJones80]

Yes, it's a conversation we had more than once. He had the belief that hiding whatever he felt like hiding, and that I was entitled to know, wasn't a lie. He also bluntly lied to me more than once.. lied to "yes Or no" kind of questions. I confronted him. Finally, I walked away.

 

Same for this other person who's behavior was fishy, at best. He always had so many reasons.. never came clean, till I ended it. All of the sudden he would change, I was the one, and blah blah blah.. It was over, he had had many chances not to f it up.

 

Those two examples were of me being in bad relationships, after my divorce.

 

Just wanted to get a woman's perspective.

 

So in this case, you highlighted your issues, nothing changed and you left, sounds fair to me.

 

However in the case of 1630chicago, myself and many others I've seen here (the list is huge) ... women (& some men) have just given vague reasons, or no reasons at all and left.

 

Are we seeing a pattern... no real answer = new man/woman on the scene. I can't say this for certain of EVERY relationship because the dynamic, people involved and a whole bunch of other factors come in to play.

 

For those who know for DEFINITE that another person was on the scene (magically) very quickly then it appears that these are the people who were given vague or no real answer to as why it ended.

[Elle1975]

Just wanted to get a woman's perspective.

 

So in this case, you highlighted your issues, nothing changed and you left, sounds fair to me.

 

However in the case of 1630chicago, myself and many others I've seen here (the list is huge) ... women (& some men) have just given vague reasons, or no reasons at all and left.

 

Are we seeing a pattern... no real answer = new man/woman on the scene. I can't say this for certain of EVERY relationship because the dynamic, people involved and a whole bunch of other factors come in to play.

 

For those who know for DEFINITE that another person was on the scene (magically) very quickly then it appears that these are the people who were given vague or no real answer to as why it ended.

 

I understand what you're saying here, and that makes a lot of sense, indeed.

[FredJones80]

I understand what you're saying here, and that makes a lot of sense, indeed.

 

Thanks - good luck on your date

[1630chicago]

Hey guys - so a quick update. To rehash - live-in GF of 4+ years broke up with me and moved out 10 days ago. I'm 28, she is 27. We had an amazing relationship and had been discussing engagement, etc., but her feelings had started to wane over the last few months of our relationship, which in hindsight is now evident due to a lack of affection and a few other signs that I missed at the time. She had been really stressed with work during that time, and I was struggling with a few big life decisions that impacted her, hurt my confidence, and which I think lost her trust and security with me. I went through the stage of believing that there may have been someone else, but I'm fairly certain at this point that there wasn't. There may or may not be a love interest at this point, but I at least don't believe she acted on anything while we were together. I know she didn't want the relationship to end if she thought it could be salvaged, even though she waffled for about a week during the break-up, so I'm assuming her romantic feelings toward me at this point are close to zero and she is fully focused on moving on right now. Despite that, she was once madly in love with me, and i know I have a lot to offer that will be tough for her to find elsewhere (great job and high income, athletic/in great shape, educated, cook, play guitar/piano, speak foreign language, we went to same undergrad, enjoy all same activities, have same political views, same religion, want same things out of life, etc.). The most frustrating part is that I think she has some misconceptions about what love is supposed to feel like at this stage of the relationship (her first real long and serious relationship since high school), and I think that the issues that surfaced that led to her loss of affection were all fixable things if we had just communicated and worked together on them. Unfortunately, I don't think she is necessarily even aware of where her emotions are coming from, which was part of why she didn't see the situation as salvageable.

 

We've been in no contact since our texts last Friday night (9 days today), which ended with me (stupidly) asking if we could get together and talk about everything and her saying "Yea we can. I think we should take some space first though."

 

Her birthday was this past Thursday and her best friend and family came into town for memorial day weekend, so I know they've been taking her out, which is the hardest thing to think about in all of this (her out acting single with her friends). She's a very pretty girl, so attracting attention from guys isn't an issue, especially with her friends around her (since she can be somewhat shy on her own).

 

In the meantime, I've been working on reflecting and improving myself, which has been going really well I think. I've also been going out with friends and have already spent time with a few different girls. Unfortunately, it is just an empty feeling for me since I don't desire other girls right now.

 

I'm trying to stay strong and keep no contact for one month (so 3 more weeks). I know I won't fully be over her by then, but I'm hoping that I'll start to learn how to live without her, and will get to a point after this month where I no longer feel like I "need" her in my life, just that I "want" her there, which I don't expect will change for a long, long time. So far, she has made no effort to contact me (crazy after 4+ years how quickly they can move on..), so I don't expect that I'll hear from her over the next 3 weeks of no contact.

 

Assuming that I don't hear from her during this time, I'd like to attempt to re-establish communication after these 4 weeks of no contact, for a few reasons.

 

1) I'm not proud of how I handled the break-up, and I don't want her lasting image of me to be of that person (crying, pleading, etc.). If nothing else, I want to go out on a high note, and show her that I'm back to being the happy, confident person that she once fell in love with.

2) I'm going to be moving to a new city and want to feel like I did everything that I could to salvage things before I fully move on, especially since it won't be as easy for us to meet face to face once I move (easy for me to fly to her on weekends, but that would obviously entail a much bigger effort). I'm not going to talk about the relationship or put myself back out there for her to reject me again, but I also need to feel like I did everything I could before I fully walk away. To me, that means attempting to re-establish communication, showing her the new me, and leaving it in her court to make any further moves.

 

In that case, after one month of nc, I'm planning to send her this email:

 

"Saw them setting up for Summerdance this past weekend and was reminded of our semi-successful outing. Was it salsa that we tried? Starting to pack up the apt, crazy to think that my time here is coming to an end."

 

I could also remove the salsa question and just ask how she is doing instead.

 

Thoughts? I'm sure most will tell me that this is a bad idea, but it is something I have to do, so instead of just saying don't do it, I'd rather get advice on exactly what to say/write in the email. Ideally, once she responds, I'll let her know that I'm going to be at a coffee shop one day for a meeting, and invite her to stop by if she wants to catch up. From there, ball is in her court. If we meet, I'll keep it light - nothing about the relationship, just catching up and being my new and improved self again.

 

I get that if she doesn't respond or our meeting doesn't go well that it may open up fresh wounds, but I'm willing to take that risk.

 

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

[lil hoodlum]

Don't even bother with the texts, emails, or phone calls to her. If she was interested in talking to you, she would initiate. She hasn't.

 

You wonder how quickly she could move on after over 4 years together? It's because she has moved onto someone else. She isn't heartbroken or upset about the ending of the relationship. If she was, she would be reaching out to you.

 

Take care of yourself and keep walking forward. You sound like you have alot to offer a woman and sadly your ex isn't interested anymore. Find someone who would be interested.

[elseaacych]

I'm going to go with that there is probably someone else in the picture, even though things lingered in limbo for awhile. Things can linger in limbo for a long time. My ex met someone two months before he broke up with me, and let me tell you, that was an unpleasant two month period, he treated me exactly like your ex treated you. Only a little worse. We were both students, so he waited until after finals.

 

Everything about this screams that there is another person in the picture.

 

Do not break no contact. For anything. On the off chance that she comes to her senses, it will be because you are no contact will she have a chance to realize what she's missing. TRUST US ON THIS.

 

Furthermore, just as Rome wasn't built in a day, self actualization doesn't happen in a month. One month from my break up I was in no shape to see my ex who broke up with me. Why? Because I still wanted him! I would have been a mess. And, assuming there is another person in the picture, you will be the last thing on her mind in a month. By coming into her life again, she will treat you like an obligation, not a lover. I tried this with my ex, after THREE MONTHS. It will make you feel lower than low. Believe me. You will feel like dirt, because you know you deserve better.

 

One more thing, from everything you've written, you seem like a good man. Hell, if you were my boyfriend, I would do everything possible to keep you in my life. If there was a problem, I wouldn't let things go without talking it out. You know why? Because after 4 years, YOU DESERVE THAT COURTESY.

 

That woman, no, CHILD, does not respect you. She doesn't realize how good she had it with you. She's acting like an idiot. Yes, this realization hurts like hell. Because she is not the person you thought she was. And you so desperately want her to be. BUT SHE'S NOT. You know her, but you don't know what she's going to do. This makes her dangerous to you, and your emotions. She has already demonstrated no respect for you, because she has consistently said one thing and done another.

 

You do not deserve that. You deserve better. And you can get better. Because you have qualities that make you lovable. Hell, you're already scoring dates! How awesome is that? (Pretty damn awesome.) Look, you don't want to get hurt any further. You have to go no contact. You may not like it, you may not respect it, but you must get the hell away from her if you want to feel better. Because things will never be the same between you two if you ever meet up again. She shattered your heart. For your sake, take more than a month to take some time to dwell on this. It sucks. It's awful. She took your core, shook it, and walked away like this never even happened. You have to deal with the aftermath alone, while she's probably living it up having wild, swinging from the chandeliers sex with the boy toy she's been banging for the past two months. (Sorry I have to give you this visual. You must see the worst to get your head on straight.)

 

YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER. She, who will walk away from you without a warning. Is that how you want to live? Is that the relationship you want to have?

 

By contacting her, you will validate her actions. You tell her it's okay for her to figuratively piss in your cereal and stomp on your heart. THAT IS NOT OKAY. AT ALL. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

STAY NO CONTACT.

 

MOVE ON.

 

YOU CAN DO IT. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO DO SO.

Edited May 26, 2014 by elseaacych