muzik_lvr Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 In light of my own recent breakup from my ex-gf, I have been thinking through some of the factors involved, and wanted to share a few thoughts I had. Most of the time in a breakup, the dumpee is devastated and focused on how they so badly want/need to be back with their ex, but do we ever stop to consider the needs of the person that initiated the breakup? A successful relationship should consist of two people that are both having their needs met from one another in the areas that they desire. Though many on here may feel that their ex possessed the things that they need and desire in a partner, the reality is that the ex just may not have felt that way towards the other. Perhaps the ex just came to realize that they have needs and things they desire in a partner that the dumpee was not able to meet. Many on here will continually proclaim that they love their ex and would do anything for them and to get them back. But, my thinking on this is, if you truly love your ex, wouldn't you realize that they have needs that they desire to be met and will let them pursue what they desire, instead of trying to force their ex to stay in something that ultimately does not make them happy the way that they want to be? Don't get me wrong, I understand that every situation is different, and I understand the concept of GIGS and so forth. However, I am just speaking on the idea of truly "loving" the ex unconditionally (like many say they do) and letting them pursue whatever it is that they desire. I mean, if we say we truly love someone, then when it is all said and done, shouldn't we want them to be truly happy at the end of the day, regardless of if we are with them or not? The reason I have these thoughts is because I believe this is partly what was going in my situation. My ex and I truly did love one another deeply and shared many great times and memories together, but it came to a point where she realized that the person I was didn't meet some of the things that she desired in a partner, and I have come to the point where I can get over my pride and accept that fact, and want the best for her and to move on. I find that the more I focus on the things that my ex needs rather than focus all on what I want or desire, then I am more easily able to move on and wish her the best, while continuing to seek to find a partner that I desire and who desires me as well. Has anyone else thought on this, or found this to be helpful post breakup?
ToyWithMe812 Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Hmm, you do make a valid point. However, I think you overlook something very important, and that would be time. Time, such as in 10 years of my life time. That is horses**t. Our time here is finite. I am sure there are many breakups that mirror yours for both parties involved. Nonetheless, no, to be with someone for 10 years, wasting10 years of my life, I wish nothing for her. I do not wish her harm, I wish her nothing. Would it be nice to know that she got screwed over as bad as she did me? Sure, why not. But, really, 10 years is inexcusable. This person no longer exists in my life, she wasted 10 of the best years of my life, so no, I do not wish her a merry peaceful time down golden paved roads. Something like a year, ok, have at it. Meanwhile, as soon as I can repay her I do not ever anticipate having any reason whatsoever to have any contact with her down the road. She stole my time and I no longer feel anything toward her, except for occasional disgust. 1
Author muzik_lvr Posted May 28, 2012 Author Posted May 28, 2012 Hmm, you do make a valid point. However, I think you overlook something very important, and that would be time. Time, such as in 10 years of my life time. That is horses**t. Our time here is finite. I am sure there are many breakups that mirror yours for both parties involved. Nonetheless, no, to be with someone for 10 years, wasting10 years of my life, I wish nothing for her. I do not wish her harm, I wish her nothing. Would it be nice to know that she got screwed over as bad as she did me? Sure, why not. But, really, 10 years is inexcusable. This person no longer exists in my life, she wasted 10 of the best years of my life, so no, I do not wish her a merry peaceful time down golden paved roads. Something like a year, ok, have at it. Meanwhile, as soon as I can repay her I do not ever anticipate having any reason whatsoever to have any contact with her down the road. She stole my time and I no longer feel anything toward her, except for occasional disgust. Yes, I realize that every situation is different, and your situation certainly sounds like one that this probably doesn't apply to. I haven't read your whole story, but from what you mentioned it sounds unfortunate and very difficult for you, so I wish you the best going forward, and hope you are able to continue healing and moving on from the previous experience. I should have clarified more in my initial post that I am speaking more on breakups where there was no cheating, lying, abuse, etc. involved, and where one person just came to realize that other did not possess certain qualities that they desired in a partner.
sweetheart5381 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 In light of my own recent breakup from my ex-gf, I have been thinking through some of the factors involved, and wanted to share a few thoughts I had. Most of the time in a breakup, the dumpee is devastated and focused on how they so badly want/need to be back with their ex, but do we ever stop to consider the needs of the person that initiated the breakup? A successful relationship should consist of two people that are both having their needs met from one another in the areas that they desire. Though many on here may feel that their ex possessed the things that they need and desire in a partner, the reality is that the ex just may not have felt that way towards the other. Perhaps the ex just came to realize that they have needs and things they desire in a partner that the dumpee was not able to meet. Many on here will continually proclaim that they love their ex and would do anything for them and to get them back. But, my thinking on this is, if you truly love your ex, wouldn't you realize that they have needs that they desire to be met and will let them pursue what they desire, instead of trying to force their ex to stay in something that ultimately does not make them happy the way that they want to be? Don't get me wrong, I understand that every situation is different, and I understand the concept of GIGS and so forth. However, I am just speaking on the idea of truly "loving" the ex unconditionally (like many say they do) and letting them pursue whatever it is that they desire. I mean, if we say we truly love someone, then when it is all said and done, shouldn't we want them to be truly happy at the end of the day, regardless of if we are with them or not? The reason I have these thoughts is because I believe this is partly what was going in my situation. My ex and I truly did love one another deeply and shared many great times and memories together, but it came to a point where she realized that the person I was didn't meet some of the things that she desired in a partner, and I have come to the point where I can get over my pride and accept that fact, and want the best for her and to move on. I find that the more I focus on the things that my ex needs rather than focus all on what I want or desire, then I am more easily able to move on and wish her the best, while continuing to seek to find a partner that I desire and who desires me as well. Has anyone else thought on this, or found this to be helpful post breakup? Very wise words. I think it takes a certain amount of reflection to see it in this way, and a serious understanding and belief in unconditional love. For example, 2 people may meet at a time in their lives that they cannot fully commit to what is considered a "relationship" from a societal point of view. This can cause pressure for both individuals. They may love each other deeply, but are not at a place in their independant lives that they can fulfill one another's needs completely. I know this love and it is unique, in that there is no bitterness or anger involved. It's real love, born out of respect and admiration for one another and it is very special. Thank you for the post
Reddice Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) I should have clarified more in my initial post that I am speaking more on breakups where there was no cheating, lying, abuse, etc. involved, and where one person just came to realize that other did not possess certain qualities that they desired in a partner. Well, obviously people who cheat, lie and abuse know very well that they are not with the partner they desire. Hmm, you do make a valid point. However, I think you overlook something very important, and that would be time. Indeed... so while they know for a long period that they do not wish to be with us any longer, they waste our time. I dont care if this is 1 year, 10 years or 100 years. Had they spoken to us sooner about their doubts, than at least we would have had a "choice" as well. We would have known where we stood in the relationship, we could have decided to work on it or drop it. The choice then would have been mutual. Instead, they linger on out of convenience. Then as soon as it's no longer convenvient for them, they dump us. As far as I'm concerned, my ex is dead to me... Edited May 28, 2012 by Reddice 1
Mack05 Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 (edited) In light of my own recent breakup from my ex-gf, I have been thinking through some of the factors involved, and wanted to share a few thoughts I had. Most of the time in a breakup, the dumpee is devastated and focused on how they so badly want/need to be back with their ex, but do we ever stop to consider the needs of the person that initiated the breakup? A successful relationship should consist of two people that are both having their needs met from one another in the areas that they desire. Though many on here may feel that their ex possessed the things that they need and desire in a partner, the reality is that the ex just may not have felt that way towards the other. Perhaps the ex just came to realize that they have needs and things they desire in a partner that the dumpee was not able to meet. Many on here will continually proclaim that they love their ex and would do anything for them and to get them back. But, my thinking on this is, if you truly love your ex, wouldn't you realize that they have needs that they desire to be met and will let them pursue what they desire, instead of trying to force their ex to stay in something that ultimately does not make them happy the way that they want to be? Don't get me wrong, I understand that every situation is different, and I understand the concept of GIGS and so forth. However, I am just speaking on the idea of truly "loving" the ex unconditionally (like many say they do) and letting them pursue whatever it is that they desire. I mean, if we say we truly love someone, then when it is all said and done, shouldn't we want them to be truly happy at the end of the day, regardless of if we are with them or not? The reason I have these thoughts is because I believe this is partly what was going in my situation. My ex and I truly did love one another deeply and shared many great times and memories together, but it came to a point where she realized that the person I was didn't meet some of the things that she desired in a partner, and I have come to the point where I can get over my pride and accept that fact, and want the best for her and to move on. I find that the more I focus on the things that my ex needs rather than focus all on what I want or desire, then I am more easily able to move on and wish her the best, while continuing to seek to find a partner that I desire and who desires me as well. Has anyone else thought on this, or found this to be helpful post breakup? This a very mature and thoughtful post. I know in my circumstances the mistakes I made and hope to learn from them this time. I realised very early doors in my last relationship that my ex possesed two qualities I don't look for in a woman. 1) Someone who is way too in to their looks (and outward apperances in general) and 2) Someone who does not understand what it truly means to give 50/50 in a relationship. To give all the love and support that is required. She was never shown. My ex was a bottomless pit of emotional hunger. Had I stayed longterm, I would eventually have had the life sucked out of me and I would have ended in the scrapheap broken. It would have involved me giving and giving and her taking and taking. The thing is I have a fair idea what I want from a woman, yet I was willing to stay in a relationship that was never going to work for me (low self esteem, insecurities, codepedent). The key to gaining a real understanding of yourself is, understanding why stay in a relationship that doesn't work for you and why do you have to keep flogging a dead horse when you know its already dead. Once you get that understanding, then you will truly be able to identify what you want from a partner. Having wants and desires is one thing. Having the emotional maturity to always do the right thing and get it, is completely another. I like this posted by Joaquain on another thread.. "When people are frustrated in repeat relationships, it's as if they're looking for milk in a hardware store. No matter how many times they go up and down the same aisles they're not going to find any milk. If you want love, tenderness, and affection in your relationships, but you have chosen a person who clearly can't give it to you, it's time to choose someone else. Don't allow people to be reckless with your love, your heart, and your tenderness. And don't allow old definitions dictate your present life. You can rewrite the rule book by learning to honour yourself and others, and by recording over the old tapes. You can find a new definition of love for yourself, one that truly means treating the other person as valuable, as worthy of great love and care. And you can expect that same treatment for yourself. Whatever it is, it is yours to define for yourself this lifetime...." Now your post is focusing on the needs of the ex. I know I lacked some of the qualities my ex looks for in a man. We both were desperate for love. Both wanted the other to change to accomodate their wants and needs in the relationship. Of course when that happens you are heading down a slippery slope. Had we both been emotionally mature we would have recognised that our needs were not being met, yet we stayed for so much longer then we ever should have. Not only that we destroyed any goodwill we had towards the other along the way. Wouldn't it be great to recognise early what the problems are in a relationship and have a high level of communication to resolve these issues that suits both parties involved. If after communicating effectively the gap was too wide, you then leave the relationship with class and dignity and no regrets. Sadly when things go wrong all the worst sides of people come out. Abuse, manipulation, distortions, lies, anger etc etc etc destroy all the good memories of someone who once had a significant role in our lives. The communication is bad or non existent and loving feelings are then replaced by feelings of loathing. I applaud your attitude to your breakup. Its a very refreshing attitude and very different from what you mainly see on this forum like "my ex did this, my ex did that, my ex is ^%&. Then you have posters agreeing with the OP, "yes you're ex is this and that". Not sure how that helps in the longrun. Yes venting is good in the short-term, but you have posters here still full of resentment for their ex 6 months down the line. That is just not healthy. I am trying myself to emotionally grow as a person. One of my ways of doing this is being honest with myself. To 'be me' and not bend bakwards to make someone love me. To leave a girl (quickly)who can't give me what I want, so that she can get a guy that deserves her. I think by gaining a better understanding of your emotional side and how to control it, leads to greater success's in relationships. It causes people to behave in the right way, even when things are not so rosy in the garden. If someone leaves you and is honest with you, without game playing then you can move forward with your life in peace..Sadly that is rarely the case. While your post is that of an emotional mature man, the problem is many are not emotionally mature. Therefore is not as black and white for emotionally immature people to say, "well I didn't have the qualities my ex was looking for so I wish them well". They are simply not wired that way. Because they are emotionally immature they probably picked a partner with the same level of maturity and therefore its a case of "screw you" and "screw you back". "My ex is this and that". Post breakup, I think if every person focused solely on their role in the breakup. Dealt with their emotions in the right way and then eventually forgave their ex, there would be a lot more successful relationships. Sadly the world is not made of chocolate. Much easier to blame, deny, learn little and move on...Repeating patterns, kudos to you OP for choosing a different wiser path... Edited May 28, 2012 by Mack05
jennisfora Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 communication is key, i think. my ex mustve been thinking of bailing for some time, but reassured me that he was fine. i wish he had been honest about his doubts and misgivings, we might have been able to have a better breakup, if it came to that, or worked something out. instead it felt out of the blue, and he just left, without trying to discuss or work on whatever his issues with the relationship were. obviously, he decided his needs werent being met in some manner, but i never knew what was wrong. i know that just because someone wants to break up, does not make them a bad person, they have the right to leave if they are unhappy. but, i think it is best if both people can try to figure out what went wrong, or why, and try to work it out. if nothing else it would have provided me with some sense of closure, like we gave it our all, instead im left with, he just changed his mind one day randomly. now, he wants closure from me, and i am more confused. either way, i think if approached maturely and with open communication it could go well. although someone will always get hurt when a relationship ends. having someone you care for say, i dont want this is going to sting no matter how you color it. 1
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