Is this GIGS? What happened?

[SycamoreCircle]

I have a recommendation for someone going through what I'm experiencing. Today I went to a park and lay in the grass. Kids were running around everywhere, supervised. Small children will lock eyes with you. It is healing. It made me weep. You're looking into something human, beautiful and pure and it can renew your belief or point up the overwhelming ineptitude and damage of adults. Either way, it gives you perspective.

[SycamoreCircle]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Dear G.

 

I'm doing my best. Some days are better than others. This thing is like a poison that sets into you. I'm trying to expunge every trace of it from my system, but this morning I re-read some e-mails.

 

Last night at work it worked itself up into me. It takes advantage of moments when you're stressed. I was running around the restaurant and some guy left his bag on the ground. I hit the floor. I went down like a tree. The metaphorical significance of it pained me more than anything.

 

It's like a roller-coaster. Mornings are always intense. Your mind is clear and then the cascade of garbage releases onto you. There's a woman at work, a new manager, just started. Instant crush. She's half-Chinese, half-white. Plainly beautiful with a pixie cut. Breasts and belly bursting from pregnancy. Ex-dancer. Her body is so full with nourishment. All of her seeps with commitment, love, honor and maturity. All the things I wanted and all I was denied. I looked at her Facebook page this morning and see these photos of her that look like they're taken out of a J. Crew magazine. Pictures of her next to a fruit tree and ****. Pictures of her husband, too.

 

It hit me very deeply.

 

I realized how much I had desecrated the sanctity of respectability by sending that e-mail to Hazel's friends and family. How I'd contaminated the bourgeois respectability of social media, the modern church of most western culture, and how irreversible things were. Yet, she cheated on me, lied to these people about me, lied to me, made me out to be something horrible and insufferable when all I gave her was LOVE and my whole and complete trust! How could someone do that to another person? How far and exaggerated was the outcome of our relationship, as memorialized by social media, compared to the life of this pregnant woman! It is J. Crew vs. National Enquirer.

 

You have so much, G. I know it's useless to convince someone of that. But it's true. I can't even begin to imagine the pride and warmth of having the woman you love, naked in bed with you, round with your child to be. You must've felt like the tallest, most stalwart tree in the forest!

 

My family is running out of sympathy. My sister especially. Her husband made the remark, "he shouldn't have been surprised". They are Bible Belt. And as my sister supplemented, "there was no tangible commitment, Chris." And yet the husband, close to 30 years ago, was in the same position with my sister. After 3 years of dating, my sister found him repulsive, unlikable and broke things off. He begged, he pleaded. He entreated my mom to speak on his behalf. Well, sister dated around a bit but found she kept comparing all the suitors to my brother-in-law and eventually they got back together and have been married ever since. And now, 30 years later, can this guy extend a shred of sympathy to me? Apparently not. Apparently he sees my situation as different.

 

Mom is more giving. But she admits "I've said everything I can say. You have to let this go."

 

I want to be free of this. I want to be the person I was before. I don't want to be a person committed to their own misery.

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[somecamel]

I'm doing my best. Some days are better than others. This thing is like a poison that sets into you. I'm trying to expunge every trace of it from my system, but this morning I re-read some e-mails.

 

A minor set back my friend, we've all done it, you have to ask yourself the question as to why you haven't deleted them yet? Why keep something that is causing you pain and stopping you from moving on and making yourself into a better person?

 

Last night at work it worked itself up into me. It takes advantage of moments when you're stressed. I was running around the restaurant and some guy left his bag on the ground. I hit the floor. I went down like a tree. The metaphorical significance of it pained me more than anything.

 

As long as you got straight back up, dusted yourself off and carried on I'll go with the metaphorical significance.

 

It's like a roller-coaster. Mornings are always intense. Your mind is clear and then the cascade of garbage releases onto you. There's a woman at work, a new manager, just started. Instant crush. She's half-Chinese, half-white. Plainly beautiful with a pixie cut. Breasts and belly bursting from pregnancy. Ex-dancer. Her body is so full with nourishment. All of her seeps with commitment, love, honor and maturity. All the things I wanted and all I was denied. I looked at her Facebook page this morning and see these photos of her that look like they're taken out of a J. Crew magazine. Pictures of her next to a fruit tree and ****. Pictures of her husband, too.

 

It hit me very deeply.

 

This is a positive, did you look at 'other' women when you were with your ex? I didn't for 7 years of my relationship. You are now Free and Single to look and fantasise if need be over who you wish. I realised (has taken me 4 months) that my ex was not the be all and end all of the most beautiful woman in the world as she had been for me for the 7 year previous, I realised that there is so much beauty out there ripe for the taking and I was my own worst enemy.

 

I realized how much I had desecrated the sanctity of respectability by sending that e-mail to Hazel's friends and family. How I'd contaminated the bourgeois respectability of social media, the modern church of most western culture, and how irreversible things were. Yet, she cheated on me, lied to these people about me, lied to me, made me out to be something horrible and insufferable when all I gave her was LOVE and my whole and complete trust! How could someone do that to another person? How far and exaggerated was the outcome of our relationship, as memorialized by social media, compared to the life of this pregnant woman! It is J. Crew vs. National Enquirer.

 

You reacted in the only way you knew how to faced with what she done to you. You really shouldn't beat yourself up over this, we've all done things we regretted when our relationships came to an end, well, regretted at the time, give yourself a few more months and you'll be pleased you told them exactly how you felt and how much of a bitch she had been to you.

 

You have so much, G. I know it's useless to convince someone of that. But it's true. I can't even begin to imagine the pride and warmth of having the woman you love, naked in bed with you, round with your child to be. You must've felt like the tallest, most stalwart tree in the forest!

 

My family is running out of sympathy. My sister especially. Her husband made the remark, "he shouldn't have been surprised". They are Bible Belt. And as my sister supplemented, "there was no tangible commitment, Chris." And yet the husband, close to 30 years ago, was in the same position with my sister. After 3 years of dating, my sister found him repulsive, unlikable and broke things off. He begged, he pleaded. He entreated my mom to speak on his behalf. Well, sister dated around a bit but found she kept comparing all the suitors to my brother-in-law and eventually they got back together and have been married ever since. And now, 30 years later, can this guy extend a shred of sympathy to me? Apparently not. Apparently he sees my situation as different.

 

Again, I think we've all had this, you can see their faces when you start to talk about the pain you're going through and all you notice is their eyes rolling thinking O no here he goes again. No one can understand how you felt about this woman or what you are going through, well no one but yourself, that's why you need to snap out of it and make some positive changes.

 

Mom is more giving. But she admits "I've said everything I can say. You have to let this go."

 

I want to be free of this. I want to be the person I was before. I don't want to be a person committed to their own misery.

 

It's still early days for you Chris, but I promise you it will get better, the pangs in your heart will get gradually weakened as you let the reality of what she done to you be accepted in your mind.

 

Keep on posting and stay strong

[Downtown]

But now I realize she killed my plant. Honestly, that someone could act like that towards another person and hide it all. They must be the most miserable sort of being, incapable of compassion, expression, or empathy. They must really hate themselves.

SC, I agree with you that a normal 25-year-old woman is not capable of the outpouring of venom, cold manipulation, and deception you are describing. Such behavior exhibits numerous warning signs for strong traits of a personality disorder. Hence, given your burning desire to know how such atrocious behavior is even possible, I suggest you read about narcissism (i.e., Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and sociopathy (i.e., Antisocial PD). Your ex may have strong traits of both.

[SycamoreCircle]

SC, I agree with you that a normal 25-year-old woman is not capable of the outpouring of venom, cold manipulation, and deception you are describing. Such behavior exhibits numerous warning signs for strong traits of a personality disorder. Hence, given your burning desire to know how such atrocious behavior is even possible, I suggest you read about narcissism (i.e., Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and sociopathy (i.e., Antisocial PD). Your ex may have strong traits of both.

 

I am thankful you wrote this---it has been a suspicion of mine ever since an ex-GF of mine, to whom I related this story seeking advice and who happens to be involved in the mental health field, suggested something similar! She actually suggested BPD---especially in the regard that Hazel tends to either put people on a pedestal(this new guy she's with) or completely, utterly denigrate them(myself).

 

However, can Narcissism(the symptoms I think she more closely exhibits) be so thoroughly suppressed until a real breaking point? She had been writing to a friend about her negative feelings towards me and her overall depression. Wouldn't a person suffering from Narcissism exhibit symptoms ALL the time? Or most of the time?

 

Side note: a friend of mine cautioned that when considering tagging someone with a personality disorder realizing that perhaps we all have small traces of personality disorders, to a degree. It's just how we manage them. So, perhaps to say Hazel is a narcissist is not entirely accurate.

[SycamoreCircle]

One other thing occurred to me---there was a week long stretch where I attempted to improve on our situation by taking Hazel on some little dates and being attentive to her pet-peeves. One night we walked to a nearby Indian restaurant. Things seemed fine for a while but then I noticed something I said, I believe I spoke about regretting not taking a trip to the desert while traveling in Egypt, triggered something negative in her. Like, "please, Chris, you're too boring...". A moment or so later a couple came in and sat near us. Hazel became fixed on what was going on between the couple. Things the woman said. Things the man said. She clung to the perceived negativity of their interaction. And when we finished and left the restaurant, she proceeded to tear apart the couple. I could only engage in her conversation to a point. It seemed so angry, so devoid of empathy.

 

I point this out to highlight the prevailing lack of empathy in her---and it being a symptom of NPD!

[SycamoreCircle]

I've been reading a little about the traits of these two personality disorders.

 

I believe I mentioned in my story that when Hazel first formally broke up with me and started cat-sitting, I decided to reach out to her mother via e-mail. This was before I snooped or had any inkling to the sort of emotions that were beneath the surface of this thing.

 

Again, in retrospect, I think I instinctively understood that I could not reach any kind of mature, effective communication with Hazel about why she had made this decision. So, the logical step was to kindly, concernedly, and respectfully reach out to someone close to her that cares about her. I wrote a very delicate letter. Careful not to point any fingers and careful not to insist on answers, I made an opportunity to tell the mother a little bit about myself and that I truly loved her daughter.

 

Understand, the mother lived in California and our only contact up to this point was she mailed me some X-mas gifts and I her.

 

Well, later after reading H.'s e-mails, I discovered that her mother had received the letter and had shared it with H. H. found it suspicious and deceptive, even remarking that the brief back story I gave of myself in the letter sounded eerily similar to the back story of my life I'd given H. in person. H. suggested that it was most likely a cover story!

 

H.'s Mom, on the other hand, thought the letter seemed normal and even thoughtful. She asked her daughter(and respectfully so) how to proceed?

 

Folks, I can't tell you the sort of dismay I felt at reading this. I mean, how could someone I knew for close to a year, someone I would tell anything willingly, someone whom I kept no secrets from think this sort of garbage?!!!

 

Now, I'm reading about "projection" and how people will project their own feelings onto other people. I think that because H. was so preoccupied with the deception that was ruling her life, it was very natural for her to project that deception onto me. Has Chris made up a cover story for who he is? Of course he has, because that's what I've done!

 

FUBAR

[Downtown]

A friend of mine cautioned that when considering tagging someone with a personality disorder realizing that perhaps we all have small traces of personality disorders, to a degree. It's just how we manage them.

Chris, your friend is correct. PD traits generally are basic human behaviors that arise from ego defenses essential to our survival. This is why every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all the PD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. And this is why all PDs are said to be "spectrum disorders," which means we all have them to some degree. At low levels, these traits generally are beneficial. At stronger levels, however, they distort our perceptions of other peoples' intentions.

 

Keep in mind that even we "normal" folks sometimes experience these PD traits at strong levels. During your early childhood, for example, you behaved like a BPDer on a 24/7 basis. And you likely started behaving that way again in your early teens when puberty caused your hormones to soar. Even now -- during your adulthood -- you may exhibit strong BPD traits temporarily when experiencing intense anger or an unusual hormone change.

 

Because so many teenagers exhibit strong BPD traits, therapists generally wait until a person is 18 before diagnosing it. Moreover, because all adults occasionally exhibit strong BPD traits, therapists will not diagnose someone as "having BPD" unless those traits persist over many years. That is, the traits must be strong and persistent.

 

So, perhaps to say Hazel is a narcissist is not entirely accurate.

I agree, Chris. You likely will never know if she "has NPD," i.e., has the full-blown disorder. Only a professional can make that determination and, if he does, it is very unlikely he would tell her -- much less her exBF -- the name of her disorder if it is narcissism or BPD. This does NOT imply, however, that you cannot spot strong traits of narcissism or another PD when they occur. As I said, we all occasionally exhibit these traits so we know what they feel like from the inside and we know what they look like from the outside.

 

This is why, before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. Likewise, you could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without being able to diagnose Avoidant PD. Hence, when a person exhibits strong NPD traits, it is appropriate to say he/she "exhibits strong NPD traits" but is inappropriate to say he/she "has NPD" (unless a professional has diagnosed it).

 

An ex-GF of mine...who happens to be involved in the mental health field, suggested...suggested BPD---especially in the regard that Hazel tends to either put people on a pedestal(this new guy she's with) or completely, utterly denigrate them(myself).

Like NPD and ASPD, BPD is one of the four "Cluster B" personality disorders. BPD therefore shares some of the traits of those other two PDs. There is one trait, however, which is unique to BPD and must be present for the behavior pattern to be called "BPD." That trait is emotional instability. In contrast, narcissists and sociopaths generally are emotionally stable people. Significantly, you have mentioned nothing to suggest your exGF is unstable.

 

When it occurs, such instability usually is most evident in a repeated cycle of push-you-away (by creating fights over nothing at all) and pull-you-back (by love bombing and being very caring). You do not mention this occurring. Instead, you say you were treated great for nearly a year and then you were suddenly betrayed and slandered.

 

Another difference between BPD and the other two PDs is that, whereas a BPDer is capable of great empathy (sporadically) and loving you (in an immature way), full-blown narcissists and sociopaths are incapable of love and affective empathy. I say "affective empathy" because narcissists and sociopaths are usually very good with "cognitive empathy" (knowing what you are thinking), which is why they are so good at manipulation. That is, although they cannot feel what you're feeling, they can be very good at knowing what you're thinking.

 

For these reasons, I suggested you read about NPD and ASPD traits but not BPD. Yet, if you would like to take a look to see if they sound familiar, I list BPD red flags at 18 Warning Signs and describe them, in greater detail, in Rebel's Thread.

 

Can Narcissism ...be so thoroughly suppressed until a real breaking point? She had been writing to a friend about her negative feelings towards me and her overall depression. Wouldn't a person suffering from Narcissism exhibit symptoms ALL the time? Or most of the time?

Yes, people having strong NPD or AsPD traits generally are very good at hiding -- or "suppressing," as you say -- their PD symptoms. That is, as long as you are successfully "validating" their false sense of themselves as being the perfect person, you likely will not see her dark side. That will suddenly change, however, when (a) you stop validating her false self image or (b) she becomes bored with you and stops valuing your opinion.

 

It is common, at some point, for an NPDer (person with strong traits) to stop valuing your opinion and thus have to look elsewhere for praise and adulation. It therefore is common for the abused partner to be totally unaware of the PD traits until the narcissist or sociopath decides to turn on him. At that point, the narcissist will start idealizing another partner, making him nearly "perfect" in her mind so she can receive praise from a man whom she greatly respects. Eventually, of course, he will fall from the pedestal because she will lose respect for him too.

 

I think that because H. was so preoccupied with the deception that was ruling her life, it was very natural for her to project that deception onto me.

Both NPDers and BPDers rely heavily on projection. It is such a wonderful ego defense because, unlike telling lies, projection is entirely guilt-free. Because it occurs entirely at the subconscious level, the conscious mind is allowed to be fully convinced that the outrageous allegations are true.

 

The "Chris is writing a cover story" incident is an example not only of projection but also of two other traits that NPDers and BPDers share. These are (a) an inability to see object constancy and (b) black-white thinking. With regard to (a), normal adults are able to perceive other people as having essentially the same personality from day to day. In contrast, NPDers and BPDers have great difficulty doing that. They misperceive people as being capable of enormous changes in personality. This is why, in only a minute, they can flip from perceiving you as a wonderful trusted friend to a terrible threat.

 

With regard to (b), normal adults perceive others as having combinations of good and bad aspects to their personalities. That is, when someone offends us, we generally think they are behaving badly for such a good person. NPDers and BPDers, however, never integrated their own personalities sufficiently to be able to be comfortable with such grey areas. They never learned in childhood that they are essentially good people who occasionally do bad things.

 

The result is that they are very intolerant of experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. They therefore will categorize everyone as "all good" (with me) or "all bad" (against me). And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or infractions (real or imagined). Hence, in the same way that your exGF suddenly perceived you as being a liar, my BPDer exW became convinced that I was lying to her every week. Never mind that she could not prove I had ever told her a single lie.

[bubbaganoosh]

In order for you to move on, you have to find a way to fill the gap so let me ask you, does she still have her things at your home?

 

If she does then you better call her and let her know that she has only a couple of day to get her stuff out of there or it will be on the curb.

 

There's no way in hell you can get on with your life while staring at all of her property boxed up in you house and I don't care if their in the attic, garage on piled up in your living room. All it does is bring up memories and hurt.

 

The sooner you do this the faster you can heal. That's why God made storage units. Once her stuff is gone then you stand a better chance to get yourself in order.

[SycamoreCircle]

My God, Downtown, what you have written to me leaves me mortified---terrified! I mean, it certainly connects some of the dots. I will be careful not to jump to any hasty conclusions, but in trying to understand just what happened I don't know how I can ignore some of the points you made.

 

When I exposed what had been going on in an e-mail to Hazel and her friends, one of the things she wrote back was "it will be a long time before I can remember that other version of you" as if I were still the one at fault! And in parting, even though she reluctantly stammered "I hope this doesn't scar you"(something which I inferred her mother had said which she was now parroting), she also said to my "I hope you can remember the better times of our relationship"---"I'm very good at compartmentalizing!", which I took to mean that she would overlook this ugly, angry side of me(again, my fault).

 

Lastly, I cannot over emphasize the peculiarity with which she seemed to be "idolizing" this new man. Her computer's SEARCH HISTORY was bogged down with his name. He DJ's, part time. She began to inundate herself with the music that he liked. He loved Abba and New Order and consequently Hazel began to play this music when she would return to pack or in the separated moments of our break up "talks". She even propped up an Abba song on her FB page labeling it "Mood Changing Music".

 

I might also add that I was a little taken aback at how, during our very first date, some few hours into the date she seemed to be absolutely smitten with me. I chalked it up to age. Now, she didn't seem to be in the midst of a depression like she did when our rift/her new romantic enterprise began. So maybe it's reasonable for me to think that she did genuinely find our union "special", for a time. But I just don't know, I'm utterly mystified by these new implications.

 

Thank you, Downtown, for your insight...

[SycamoreCircle]

Oh, one other strange bit of "idolization":

 

I'm a vegetarian and did most of our cooking while she lived with me. During our rift, Hazel apparently told her mother how I imposed my diet on her. Her believing mother, when news came that Hazel was to break up with me, suggested a BBQ-Break up Party, jokingly.

 

It just so happened that the new guy she took up with was, yep...VEGETARIAN. The day she first slept with him(I have proof), she Tweeted, "I just slept with a vegetarian, who became a vegan. Does that mean I slept with a vegan?" A few days later, while at the apartment packing, she ordered vegetarian take out!

 

So, she idolizes the VERY thing in him that she ridicules in me!

 

I reiterate: Hollywood could not come up with a more scandalous plot twisting script!!!

[SycamoreCircle]

I just don't understand...

 

How can you share so many moments with a person and then they one day decide that all of their time with you has been a waste? So they belittle everything about you behind your back until you don't stand a chance in their eyes. They forget you, find a new lover, and go on living happily.

 

How are they not affected by this?

 

How is it that I play the scenario of things she said over and over and it makes no sense?

 

If I truly was the negative creep she claims, why does she not claim this to my face---only behind my back?

 

If I wasn't a negative creep, why not just tell people she broke up with me because things weren't working out or something vague like that, where there is no sensationalism involved.

 

Why was she always feigning anger with me during the break up but lastly said, "I hope this doesn't scar you?" Was it an admission?

 

Why does this woman seem totally messed up?

[Downtown]

How can you share so many moments with a person and then they one day decide that all of their time with you has been a waste? ...How are they not affected by this?

SC, if she is a narcissist or sociopath, as you suspect, she never loved you to begin with. You therefore are being discarded like old clothing which no longer is useful. With narcissists, you cease to be useful when you stop agreeing with everything they say (or when they lose respect for your opinion). With sociopaths, you cease to be useful when you no longer have any entertainment value, at which point they will stop toying with you.

[SycamoreCircle]

Downtown,

 

I know that the one other significant relationship she had with a man was a year or two back. He lived in Connecticut and she would commute from NYC twice a month to him to have sex, go out to dinner, hang out for the weekend. This lasted for two years. (Incidentally, this appears to be the relationship she has now with her new guy---strictly sex meetings twice a month or so.)

 

According to her, the relationship ended when he pressured her into moving in with him in Connecticut. She being a young artist wasn't ready to settle down.

 

Just before she and I broke up, I heard her say to a friend T, her ex, had made contact with her(as if he had been avoiding contact previously). They were working on a film together which he had written and she was providing animation.

 

Is it wrong of me to assume that she is a narcissist if exes are attempting to reach out to her? Wouldn't she have left other mangled men in her path and wouldn't they definitely not enter into any sort of professional engagement with her?

[Downtown]

Is it wrong of me to assume that she is a narcissist if exes are attempting to reach out to her?

SC, he may have issues of his own (assuming she actually is a narcissist). For example, he may be highly codependent and not realize she has strong narcissistic traits. He therefore keeps returning in the misguided belief he can fix her.

 

Or he may have strong BPD traits. As odd as it seems, narcissists sometimes stay in relationships with BPDers for years. The BPDer supplies the frequent validation the narcissist craves and the narcissist, in turn, provides the identity and frequent drama that the BPDer seeks. Moreover, the frequent fights provide both of them the mini-vacations away from intimacy that both require.

[SycamoreCircle]

Just an update on my situation because I do appreciate feedback:

 

I've had some female attention recently. A woman stooped outside my food co-op made eye contact with me 3 times. We exchanged numbers. Unfortunately, she lived in Chicago. But we had a succession of excellent dates while she was visiting and she was thoroughly enjoying my company. I don't think it was my imagination, but during our first date we spoke briefly about our romantic past and I felt what she told me just in that short talk revealed a vulnerability and emotional openness far exceeding anything I'd ever experienced with my ex! It opened my eyes. I am convinced more and more that my ex suffers from NPD---someone who can't really experience intimacy, only intensity. Someone who resists all forms of vulnerability. And someone who collects your vulnerability only to use it as a weapon once they're finished with you.

 

The Chicago woman was 31. We had 3 dates over the course of one week. No sex, but I really didn't want that, necessarily.

 

When we finally parted I did get the feeling that this was the end for her, though she did extend a warm invitation to be in touch should I come to Chicago. She is currently in an open relationship with a man and woman. I got the sense that she really wants a monogamous, serious relationship but has been hurt. It makes me angry how much hurt is out there. At one point, she told me of how her ex criticized her breasts. As she said this, she leaned into me saying "he said my boobs were saggy" with a painful release. I kissed her and told her she was so gorgeous. People are so mean to each other. It makes me feel better that if I can at least make her feel stronger and confident about herself something good came out of this awful, painful split.

 

The other woman is a co-worker who I've known for a while, 23 and identifies as queer just like the woman from Chicago! She basically made an advance on me after work. I never suspected. We've kissed a little bit and had some nice conversations. I'm supposed to hang out with her tomorrow. It doesn't feel right. She's so young. But she's about to leave for school and I'm about to go on a one month trip across Turkey, so we know nothing serious can happen. I like talking to her and she's very kind and warm. Just the kissing feels a little off. It makes me realize how seriously f-ed up it was for my ex to be with another man and then be physically cold to me, afterward. How could she turn her feelings off for me like a robot? I mean, it was literally like Tuesday she was kissing me like a normal person and Thursday I'm met by a cold, brittle non-entity. Someone has stolen her soul. So many times I've dreamt of coming up behind that guy on the street and dispensing some straight up Jamaican-style justice. Bottle over the back of the head and a few knocked out teeth! Forgive my rage...

 

I'm still grieving...

Edited May 29, 2014 by SycamoreCircle

[somecamel]

Just an update on my situation because I do appreciate feedback:

 

I've had some female attention recently. A woman stooped outside my food co-op made eye contact with me 3 times. We exchanged numbers. Unfortunately, she lived in Chicago. But we had a succession of excellent dates while she was visiting and she was thoroughly enjoying my company. I don't think it was my imagination, but during our first date we spoke briefly about our romantic past and I felt what she told me just in that short talk revealed a vulnerability and emotional openness far exceeding anything I'd ever experienced with my ex! It opened my eyes. I am convinced more and more that my ex suffers from NPD---someone who can't really experience intimacy, only intensity. Someone who resists all forms of vulnerability. And someone who collects your vulnerability only to use it as a weapon once they're finished with you.

 

The Chicago woman was 31. We had 3 dates over the course of one week. No sex, but I really didn't want that, necessarily.

 

When we finally parted I did get the feeling that this was the end for her, though she did extend a warm invitation to be in touch should I come to Chicago. She is currently in an open relationship with a man and woman. I got the sense that she really wants a monogamous, serious relationship but has been hurt. It makes me angry how much hurt is out there. At one point, she told me of how her ex criticized her breasts. As she said this, she leaned into me saying "he said my boobs were saggy" with a painful release. I kissed her and told her she was so gorgeous. People are so mean to each other. It makes me feel better that if I can at least make her feel stronger and confident about herself something good came out of this awful, painful split.

 

The other woman is a co-worker who I've known for a while, 23 and identifies as queer just like the woman from Chicago! She basically made an advance on me after work. I never suspected. We've kissed a little bit and had some nice conversations. I'm supposed to hang out with her tomorrow. It doesn't feel right. She's so young. But she's about to leave for school and I'm about to go on a one month trip across Turkey, so we know nothing serious can happen. I like talking to her and she's very kind and warm. Just the kissing feels a little off. It makes me realize how seriously f-ed up it was for my ex to be with another man and then be physically cold to me, afterward. How could she turn her feelings off for me like a robot? I mean, it was literally like Tuesday she was kissing me like a normal person and Thursday I'm met by a cold, brittle non-entity. Someone has stolen her soul. So many times I've dreamt of coming up behind that guy on the street and dispensing some straight up Jamaican-style justice. Bottle over the back of the head and a few knocked out teeth! Forgive my rage...

 

I'm still grieving...

 

Rage on brother, turn that love you still have for her into hate, even if it's only temporary it will help you move on.

 

Really glad to hear you're getting yourself away by going to Turkey, I'm sure you'll love it.

 

Make sure you come back as a stronger person where you're the most important person to yourself:)

[SycamoreCircle]

I just spent a month traveling independently through Turkey. I had two romances and heaps of sexy encounters with strange, beautiful women. To anyone who has been burned: if you also enjoy traveling and can work it somehow, take a long trip and get out of your routine.

 

Not only has my break up been a guide for me in meeting other women, more mature women, but very often I found that honestly talking with women about it, not in a desperate way, served as an excellent way of seducing them.

 

And thanks to this platform I was even giving some beautiful women advice about what to do in their own lives. When a gorgeous woman is leaning into you, flicking her hair, touching you and asking how she should handle so and so in her personal life---what a feeling of power!

 

To anyone suffering, you can make good come out of it! I promise you!