Is this GIGS? What happened?

[lolablue17]

If the situation were reversed, if a man were emotionally checked out of a relationship with a woman but was too cowardly or too comfortable to break up and began seeing another woman on the side and lying about it to his partner---I think people would find it, at the least, condemnable.

 

Dont get me wrong, I totally agree with you. She should have done it properly but she chose the coward and selfish way, she didn't care to hurt you just to fulfill her convenience.

 

What i meant is that digging more and more into to it wont help you. it will only distract you from focusing on your self.

[William]

Moderation understands that breakups can be very painful; that said, please keep responses helpful and engaging and refrain from use of derogatory language/name calling. Thanks and please continue!

[SycamoreCircle]

The dilemma is---how to deal with a year's worth of memories. It was only the end that was foul. A few weeks, let's say.

 

When I parted finally with H, I said "I hope you can try and remember the good times we had." She nodded eagerly, wanting to only be rid of me and this heart to heart moment, saying "I'm very good at compartmentalizing!" I thought, You know who else was good at compartmentalizing? The Nazis.

[SycamoreCircle]

Oh, this poison runs so deep! It must be in proportion to the love one had for the person!

 

Are there people who never experience this? There must be. There must be people who are too separate from their emotions to feel this!

 

She never apologized to me. What would it cost her? She got everything she wanted---she got rid of me, she got her new man supporting her(even showing up at MY apartment to be guardian to her while I was out) and her friends and family still side with her. So, what would it cost her to say, "C, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I went about this the wrong way. It was selfish and immature. I hope that you can forgive me my trespasses." Yes, it would still be a jagged pill but at least I would know there was something human inside this creature! Instead, I'm stuck with the memory of a hollow, wooden totem pole wearing an ugly scowl, feigning anger. What is there to be angry at me about? What did I do? Not disappear into thin air? Exist in the first place?

 

I wonder if my only consolation prize is time: will it work so that time brings me closer to peace and bring her closer to the realization of what she did? Is that the justice I can hope for?

[somecamel]

Oh, this poison runs so deep! It must be in proportion to the love one had for the person!

 

Are there people who never experience this? There must be. There must be people who are too separate from their emotions to feel this!

 

She never apologized to me. What would it cost her? She got everything she wanted---she got rid of me, she got her new man supporting her(even showing up at MY apartment to be guardian to her while I was out) and her friends and family still side with her. So, what would it cost her to say, "C, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I went about this the wrong way. It was selfish and immature. I hope that you can forgive me my trespasses." Yes, it would still be a jagged pill but at least I would know there was something human inside this creature! Instead, I'm stuck with the memory of a hollow, wooden totem pole wearing an ugly scowl, feigning anger. What is there to be angry at me about? What did I do? Not disappear into thin air? Exist in the first place?

 

I wonder if my only consolation prize is time: will it work so that time brings me closer to peace and bring her closer to the realization of what she did? Is that the justice I can hope for?

 

Time really will heal this, you are still very early in on the break up, you need to try to stop fooling yourself into thinking she gives two ****s about what you feel that she done, she doesn't care, she's happy with her new man.

 

There is no justice when it comes to love.

[crederer]

I only read your first few paragraphs. But that sounded very similar to my most recent ex. I thought it was gigs at first but later found out she still remains single to this day (a year later).

 

I was trying to figure out why and find closure for quite a while but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that for one reason or another she didn't want to be with you anymore. It sucks, I know but it's as simple as that. There really is no such thing as closure in these types of situations.

[SycamoreCircle]

Well, I think you're half right. From what I can tell, she is with this new guy in kind of FWB relationship. She told me before she bailed that she wasn't cut out for a serious relationship. I think she does believe that. And this new guy, a 45 year old man(that's 20 years her senior) who dresses like he's perpetually going to a Misfits concert and whose Instagram is filled with snapshots of roadkill and bathroom stall graffiti, doesn't appear to have any intentions of wife-ing up. I would estimate they see each other about 3-4 times a month. I could be wrong. He "Likes" a lot of her Facebook entries.

 

And why is it so important to me that it be GIGS? Blast me if you want, but I'm just being honest: a GIGS scenario indicates to me that there will be a turnaround. She will contact me one day to, at least, apologize. I'm just being honest, sorry. I know I need to be "moving on", but I can only do what I can only do!

 

What tells me she does care about me? She HATES me to the core! She spent a lot of energy dismembering every aspect of me, eradicating me to a puny ember. And she now refrains from using social media like Twitter which she realized I was using to get some of the information on her double life during our break up. Nothing says "I care" like a good flamethrower to your reputation and very essence!

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Well, I think you're half right. From what I can tell, she is with this new guy in kind of FWB relationship. She told me before she bailed that she wasn't cut out for a serious relationship. I think she does believe that. And this new guy, a 45 year old man(that's 20 years her senior) who dresses like he's perpetually going to a Misfits concert and whose Instagram is filled with snapshots of roadkill and bathroom stall graffiti, doesn't appear to have any intentions of wife-ing up. I would estimate they see each other about 3-4 times a month. I could be wrong. He "Likes" a lot of her Facebook entries.

 

And why is it so important to me that it be GIGS? Blast me if you want, but I'm just being honest: a GIGS scenario indicates to me that there will be a turnaround. She will contact me one day to, at least, apologize. I'm just being honest, sorry. I know I need to be "moving on", but I can only do what I can only do!

 

What tells me she does care about me? She HATES me to the core! She spent a lot of energy dismembering every aspect of me, eradicating me to a puny ember. And she now refrains from using social media like Twitter which she realized I was using to get some of the information on her double life during our break up. Nothing says "I care" like a good flamethrower to your reputation and very essence!

 

Oh boy....

 

Dude, you are reading WAYYYY more into this than you should. Who CARES what kind of relationship your ex has with someone new? You are stalking and trying to assess a situation when there isnt one. You are basing someone off of pictures and actions from social media? Thats not healthy nor productive.

 

The GIGS reason is the EXACT reason why I hate when people use that term on here. People want to know if its GIGS because it insinuates that they will "grow out" if it and come back to you. Its really annoying. It could be 1,000 different reasons why she left. Fell out of love, got bored, wasnt sexually attracted, "GIGS", doesnt want to commit, doesnt want children, found someone else, etc etc etc. None of it matters. There is a strong chance she will never come back or never give a serious reason why. Even then, by that time, it wont matter to you. Thats what "moving on" is.

 

You need to not contact her. DO NOT LOOK AT SOCIAL MEDIA! All you are doing is warping any truth to anything and making up these crazy scenarios. Who cares if the dude is a total goon. The main point is it isnt you. Use that to realize she isnt worth the time you are putting into it and move on. Stalking the internet wont do you (or her) any good.

[SycamoreCircle]

I totally agree with everything you say.

 

And understand that I'm voicing thoughts(however misaligned and regressive) aloud so that people, such as yourself, can remind me of the track that I need to stay on.

 

I think believing there to be such a thing as GIGS is a coping mechanism.

 

You'd be surprised the sort of stuff I was telling myself when I first was trying to come to terms with this break up---at one point I made a sufficient case to a friend that my ex had become possessed by a demon.

[SycamoreCircle]

Stud Muffin,

 

I appreciate your advice, but you HAVEN'T read this thread properly. I'm a 37 year old man. I very much wanted a relationship with a 25 year old woman. She wasn't having it.

[SycamoreCircle]

Then are you of the opinion that persons with GIGS have a moment when "the fog lifts"?

 

Also, is it true this community board banned an anti-GIGS message thread?

[SycamoreCircle]

First, let me apologize for reprimanding you---I misunderstood your previous message---it sounded as if you identified me as undergoing GIGS. It was a misreading on my part. Sorry.

 

Second, my understanding was that GIGS had very specific symptoms. You seem to be saying that if you're young, immature, in a relationship and break up---GIGS is the culprit.

 

The fog lifting, to which I speak, is more immediate than what you're suggesting. For example, the young woman breaks up with the boyfriend, dates someone or dates several people, and within a number of months or a year, the fog lifts. She regrets the break up.

 

Third, could you please tell me---did you your 23 year old ex have a sudden vehement reaction to you? Did everything about you become disgusting, draining, and the antithesis of what she wanted?

[FredJones80]

Being in my early 40s, I sure do.

 

Hey, 40 is the new 20 don't you know?

[loversquarrel]

Stud Muffin,

 

I appreciate your advice, but you HAVEN'T read this thread properly. I'm a 37 year old man. I very much wanted a relationship with a 25 year old woman. She wasn't having it.

 

After my divorce (I was married for 12yrs., with her for 17 total yrs.), I dated several younger women in their 20's, one being 23 when I was 37. I broke up with her for several reasons, but my ability to "keep" her in the relationship was due to me suffering from a drop in my maturity level during this time in my life. I basically kept her at arms length, and the more I did this the more she wanted to be with me. It grew to a point where she became tired of the game and just wanted to be with me, but for as much as I liked her I knew it wouldn't last, she had some maturing to do and just wasn't in the same place as me.

 

What I'm getting at is at 37, you were trying to have an adult relationship with a 25 year old who was in no way ready for it. She's more than a 25 y.o., she is an immature 25y.o.. Take a look at where she is now - it doesn't seem her life has improved drastically, but what it should show you is her level of maturity. At this point in her life she isn't ready.

 

She also chose to be dishonest with you, this has happened to me as well. It's a sucky feeling, but you have to give it some perspective and get angry. Don't let her actions dictate your feelings. You are clearly ready for a trusting, mutually exclusive adult relationship. All you need to do is find a woman who is in the same place as you. You were only a year in, not married and no children. Be thankful this didn't happen 5-10 yrs from now.

[leesc90]

going through something like the OP. she even acknowledges the GIGS and that she would be open later on if she changed. @stud muffin , did yours ever come back and seek reconciliation/to try again later on?

[SycamoreCircle]

I basically kept her at arms length, and the more I did this the more she wanted to be with me.

 

It seems to me that most of the MALE-friendly dating advice I run across advocates this approach. But I'm sure we all agree that living like this can be tasking and it's ultimately not the sort of relationship anyone dreams of, so maybe it's just delaying the inevitable.

[SycamoreCircle]

Seeing how you are in this thread... I would not be at all surprised that your Ex for some time before the break up didn't hate your guts and say and do all sorts of things.

 

Since there can be no justice, I'll write about it here to let go of "the sting". My ex had a serious green thumb; she was a natural. The apartment was a thicket of houseplants. Well, one of the plants that belonged to me was a tiny tender thing. Winter set in and I left it on the window sill for a few days close to the pane. I believe the NY cold traveled through the pane and singed some of the leaves. So, I moved it to her studio. A week or so passed and I happened to go in her studio. There, among all her verdant, bursting plants is my little tender one dried, crippled and dead. I picked it up in disbelief. I brought it into the bedroom where she was and showed her the condition of the plant. I was very distraught. She said nothing. Or made some neutral comment. I don't remember. It registered in the back of my mind, "how could this plant suffer so thoroughly and she not notice it?" A few days passed and I put the incident out of my mind. I came home one day and out of the blue she says, "Hey, I've got some good news?" "What?" "Your plant has sprouted some new growth, see?" There was the tiniest trace of growth close to the soil, the old, mature and dead stem having been cut away by her.

 

This was about a week before everything went down. I didn't know at the time the sort of vitriol that was running through her veins. But now I realize she killed my plant. Honestly, that someone could act like that towards another person and hide it all. They must be the most miserable sort of being, incapable of compassion, expression, or empathy. They must really hate themselves.

[SycamoreCircle]

Where exactly is the Phases of GIGS thread? I'm having trouble finding what you're talking about. Who posted it?

[SycamoreCircle]

Dear Hazel,

 

It is now approaching the two-month mark since our break up. I am writing this to you because I want to let go of all the pain, anger, poison, resentment and sickness. I believe that the feelings I have are natural. And I believe that the feelings you had leading up to the dissolution of our relationship were natural, as well. These are forces that are larger than the both of us, whose importance we can't realize while in their midst. I believe they will help shape us for the better, help us to be more giving, to move outside of ourselves more often. They impart compassion and humility to us.

 

I recognize that I loved you the best that I could; and I recognize that you loved me the best that you could. I did some very foolish things and I know that I hurt you. You hurt me. But you also gave me so much. You changed the way I see things---from the way I perceive animals and art to the way I cook to the way I dress. You made me feel so strong and whole. I have never felt as strong as when I was with you. And now that you are gone, I'm going to take all the strength you gave me and hold on to it and allow it to live in me the rest of my life. And all of the hurt I am going to forgive and forget and push out of my being. That pain and hurt will die. It is a short lived teaching tool. I take it, I accept it and now I let it go.

 

I hope that you live a happy and fruitful life. I am going to do the same!

 

Sincerely,

 

Chris

[SycamoreCircle]

As any man who has had something like this happen to them, your masculinity feels threatened. My ex deliberately pointed up her dissatisfaction with my sexual prowess to her friends and to me. Of course, this was during/after her emotional/sexual cheating.

 

I have been watching Corey Wayne on YouTube, a dating coach. And repeatedly he blames men for causing women's bad behavior. Essentially, he asserts, that if you're meeting her needs she's not going to "act up". I believe I've run across this idea, elsewhere. Now, he's talking about sexual and emotional---and that can be affected by things as small as if the man takes out the garbage or remembers to pay the bills on time.

 

Does anyone have any opinion about this? Do you think there is truth to this?---that even in the case of GIGS, a man who is fully embodying what it is to be a MAN is not going to have these problems at the end of the day.

 

I feel like I was a happy, productive, engaged and active MAN before all this happened. But was there something I was missing?

[On All Fours]

As any man who has had something like this happen to them, your masculinity feels threatened. My ex deliberately pointed up her dissatisfaction with my sexual prowess to her friends and to me. Of course, this was during/after her emotional/sexual cheating.

 

Women are going to bounce and up and down, test and challenge your boundaries. Young and immature women can make a sport of it and will do this 1,000 times more than one who is mature and older. They do it less and less as they mature and age is what I have found.

 

Women like strong men who are not going to take their crap, tell them no, put them in their place (in a firm / kind / loving way) when they need it.

 

Men do the same sort of things to women and we also are attracted to strong women who hold their own.

 

Essentially, he asserts, that if you're meeting her needs she's not going to "act up".

 

I disagree. There are a lot of women (mostly younger) that crave excitment, drama, tension, passion, infatuation, High highs and Low lows, etc. They will even create it out of thin air if it doesn't exist in their relationship.

 

Sometimes they had a bad childhood, bad relationships, etc. and unhealthy and cannot do healthy and self-destruct it should they find themselves with someone who is.

 

Does anyone have any opinion about this? Do you think there is truth to this?---that even in the case of GIGS, a man who is fully embodying what it is to be a MAN is not going to have these problems at the end of the day.

 

A MAN isn't going to sit there and take it. He will be consistient, firm with his boundaries and how he lets people treat them. WOMEN are the same way.

 

GIGS cannot be prevented or stopped. The person with GIGS does not have the maturity, life experience or the perspective to know / care about what they have or not when GIGS hits. They want to go see what is it out there and explore and it has nothing to do with who they are dating. If you look at the forum or all the young couples around in their teens and twentys very very few make it (get married). It's not because their BF/GF is bad or boring or not a good person. It's because they cannot go experience the world, party, drink, experiment, hang with friends, have the "college experience", date others, sleep around while staying in a relationship with you.

 

Forget the person with GIGS being a woman. How many of your buddies dumped a girl and were more interested in dating and around and sleeping with lots of women? What about your buddies who dumped a girl because they wanted to focus all their attention on their school / starting their career and didn't want the distraction of being in a relationship? Both are GIGS and those guys didn't do anything wrong by dumping the girls they were with.

 

I feel like I was a happy, productive, engaged and active MAN before all this happened. But was there something I was missing?

 

Date women who are older and have "that" out of their system and looking for something more.

[SycamoreCircle]

Just made the mistake of looking at the guy's Instagram. He posted a pic a few hours before midnight near a location near my ex, which means he spent the night. Internet is such a double-edged sword.

 

Yesterday, I went to the park and watched too many couples laced around one another with flowering trees as their backdrop.

 

I even contemplated hiring a prostitute to seduce the guy and disrupt my exes relationship. Bottom of the barrel here, folks.

 

This really is the worst feeling. I totally understand crimes of passion.

 

I had a woman ask me for my phone number the other day and I totally flaked. I prowl OK Cupid, but I'm just not ready. I'm not ready for a one night stand. All I'm good for is wanking to porn.

 

Are there any threads on here about how to cope with no sex after a break up?

[SycamoreCircle]

For me, post break up, the first instant of waking is where clarity always comes. It's as if the murk of love's blind bindings has been temporarily cleared away.

 

Hazel is an artist. She does a lot of nudes. Before she met me, she made a drawing of a nude male and posted the image on her Tumblr site. She posted a note to the drawing which said something to the effect, "My dream man...". This dream man, coincidentally, bore a slight resemblance to me, though we had not met each other yet.

 

During the course of our relationship, she made one large oil portrait of me, bare-chested and a smaller drawing without pants.

 

In the weeks preceding our break up, she was working on a new small drawing for a group of friends. The drawing was of a nude male holding and surrounded by cats---"Pussy Magnet". I remember standing behind her in the studio carefully looking over the drawing and praising it, paying particular attention to the cat's expressions in the drawing. What I now realize was that the grooming, facial shape, and body type of the male in the picture bears an unmistakable resemblance to the man she left me for(whom she was acquainted with already).

 

I know that many of you will admonish me for writing embellishments to the tale. But I continue to marvel at the level of calculation bordering on religiosity that her cheating took on. It was almost spiritual, for her. A new worship, if you will. And, my God, what a dope I was! Staring straight into my replacement! Unknowing!

[somecamel]

Many of us have been fooled into a false sense of security when the truth is the only person we can trust is ourselves.

[SycamoreCircle]

And is that how we all must go forward---with less vulnerability? Loving, but not totally?

 

It's terrible. We become these half-lovers like the people who have burned us, one foot in, one foot out.