Tk123 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Hey all. I recently posted a topic about my girlfriend and how marriage is something of importance to her (long story see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/475078-marriage-convo#post5677866 for details). To sum up the thread: My girlfriends uncle has had cancer for the past couple of years but just recently has it gotten significantly worse. Her uncle is very important to her and she explained the importance of him being at her wedding one day. I told her if it is meant to be her uncle will be there and told her I would need a couple of years to make a marriage happen. This of course turned into a fight and she doesn't understand why I can't make the marriage happen sooner. I explained to her that I feel pressured to make something happen, when marriage should be a happy time for the both of us. Her response was "Well then maybe we should take things slow and start over. That means no sex before marriage." I was extremely shocked at this response. We have been together 5-6 months now and have slept together at least 30-40 times at this point. It is not even the fact of not having sex anymore that is bothering me. What is bothering me is the fact that she would jump to such a conclusion so quickly. We've both talked about our history with ex's from time to time and from the sounds of it, most of her relationships haven't lasted more than one month (besides one special situation), and she has had intercourse with a number of her ex's. What isn't making sense to me is I'm sure marriage wasn't a conversation with her ex boyfriend's when they were having intercourse; so why is it that with me there will be no more sex until we are married? I want to stress that I am by no means a horn dog or some sort of man only in a relationship for sex. It is more of an intimacy thing for me that I consider important in a relationship. I feel like it is a rejection of intimacy with me and what just isn't making sense to me is how she can jump to such an opinion out of the blue like this. For those wondering our ages: I am 20 and she is 19. I would greatly appreciate any insight/feedback on this. P.S: I have read topics of men with similar issues as mine and most of the responses are: "It's a religious thing" (when I know she isn't religious at all). "It's a way for her to make you break-up with her because she doesn't have the guts to break up with you" etc. I was just looking for more responses on this situation. Thanks.
Eivuwan Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I think it is EXTREMELY obvious that she is doing this to punish you for not marrying her right now. 8
Assasda Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 This is an easy one man. She's testing you, to see if you'll back down from the decision you made, and to get under your skin. If you do not want to get married. DO NOT let her force you into any marriage, I must congratulate you for that. Also, when she mentions, no sex, what you do is you agree with. Just say "OK" She's doing this, because she knows that this is something, you like and she want to take it away from you. DO NOT give her that option. The bottom line is DO NOT GET ANGRY OR EVEN FRUSTRATED Go along with it, so wholeheartedly, she'll think its unnerving. If you want to be real ballsy and not play the game at all. Tell her that if you cant have sex with her, you dont want to be in a relationship. The trick with this is, you have to believe it, and be ready to break it off with her. She sounds childish 5
dragon_fly_7 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 As a woman, I see this as pure manipulation and definitely hate it when marriage it's just the woman's idea and all about her happiness and not something both want and are exactly on the same page. Even if a man's proposes early it's not even going to be a sincere one and what type of woman would even want to marry a man like that?? The kind that loves herself only. It's not like she's a religious virgin woman waiting till marriage. If we guys already had sex during the relationship then I don't see the point of suddenly having the rules change just because you're not ready to make a life altering decision right now. Why do you let someone talk to you like that? If she's that obsessed about marriage, this means that's the only thing she thinks 24/7 and has no other topics to discussed. What ever happened to the true concept of marriage that was once where two people were happy when they were ready and the man didn't feel pressured into that. Now it's about the woman's dream only and seems the way she reaches this goal is by having to nagged and pressured a man into it until he agrees. How can any woman be happy with that? Why would any woman want to be in a marriage that was only her idea and decision from the start??? 1
dragon_fly_7 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 When a woman withdraws sex, you seek it elsewhere. Simple. No ifs, ands or buts. She believes she's your sole source of sex which is why she's using it as a tool. When a woman knows you can satisfy yourself through other sources, she stops trying to hold sex over your head.No, you dump her before seeking it elsewhere. I hate cheaters of both genders. 5
sagetalk Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I told her if it is meant to be her uncle will be there and told her I would need a couple of years to make a marriage happen. I explained to her that I feel pressured to make something happen, when marriage should be a happy time for the both of us. Good decision and response. I was once pressured into getting married, but decided it was a terrible decision before going through with it. Thankfully, I listened to my family who were warning me against it. If she is pushing there is probably a reason beyond her uncle. She may be having a difficult time holding in her crazy. Be patient, and don't put up with her phony, suddenly turned into an innocent virgin, nonsense about not having sex. She is just doing it to get even which is childish. 4
mammasita Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Manipulation. She's obviously not withholding for personal reasons. She's being childish. Call her out on her ridiculous game and either work something out or walk because this is an indication of things to come if she won't work with you. 3
sagetalk Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 When a woman withdraws sex, you seek it elsewhere. Please, everyone who just read this, don't ever do it. Break up with them if you want to have sex with someone else. 9
dragon_fly_7 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I'm all for a relationship being 50/50 but damn I hate manipulative women like that. What's with her suddenly trying to play the innocent virgin act???
dragon_fly_7 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Please, everyone who just read this, don't ever do it. Break up with them if you want to have sex with someone else. Exactly. That poster has no basic decency. Even if you dislike your partner, that's still no reason to have sex with someone else. You break up. I wonder what's so difficult about that?
Grumpybutfun Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 She sounds immature and manipulative..it sounds like there are other issues you need to watch for because something isn't right about this girl. Maybe you need to step back and take a break from one another because that level of manipulation and brain phukery is just crazy making and a ride on the drama train. Stuff like this would have me running for the hills, I want a life's partner who is steady, calm, logical, practical and loving...not manipulative, immature, dramatic, selfish and controlling. Move on, she's not right, Grumps 2
Tiger Lily Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I agree with what the other posters are saying. She's manipulating you and acting very immature. Just please be gentle with her, whatever you decide to do. She's basically losing her dad (or father figure, from what I understood), and that's a very hard thing to go through. Sorry you're going through this, OP. 3
Els Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Given how traditional her uncle sounds, it seems to me like it's possible he might be guilt-tripping her into promising him that she wouldn't have sex before marriage. That being said, abstaining before marriage is one of those things that both parties really have to be on-board for. It won't work if one of you wants it and the other doesn't. She has every right to make this request; but you have every right to say you don't want any part in it. As the poster above says, though, be gentle. She's likely going through a hard time in her life right now. 1
MidwestUSA Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Given how traditional her uncle sounds, it seems to me like it's possible he might be guilt-tripping her into promising him that she wouldn't have sex before marriage. So do you think the uncle believes she's a virgin? Or would the uncle actually agree that she's trying to manipulate OP into marrying her? I wonder.
Els Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 So do you think the uncle believes she's a virgin? Or would the uncle actually agree that she's trying to manipulate OP into marrying her? I wonder. I think the uncle probably told her that he thinks a woman shouldn't be having sex with a man before marriage (given what the OP described about the uncle talking to her about marriage 'all the time' in the other thread). She may have brushed it off before, but probably feels more guilty now since he's passing away, and doesn't know how to handle the guilt (which, to be fair, it's an emotional time for a 19-yo to be losing a parental figure).
Eivuwan Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I think the uncle probably told her that he thinks a woman shouldn't be having sex with a man before marriage (given what the OP described about the uncle talking to her about marriage 'all the time' in the other thread). She may have brushed it off before, but probably feels more guilty now since he's passing away, and doesn't know how to handle the guilt (which, to be fair, it's an emotional time for a 19-yo to be losing a parental figure). That seems like a stretch. Based on everything he has said so far, it seems more likely that this is just another immature thing she does to manipulate him. 1
MidwestUSA Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I think the uncle probably told her that he thinks a woman shouldn't be having sex with a man before marriage (given what the OP described about the uncle talking to her about marriage 'all the time' in the other thread). She may have brushed it off before, but probably feels more guilty now since he's passing away, and doesn't know how to handle the guilt (which, to be fair, it's an emotional time for a 19-yo to be losing a parental figure). True. I do hope the uncle also realizes that his 19 year old niece isn't mature enough for marriage. Not based on what I read in the other thread. He should be counseling her on making proper choices in life (beyond having/not having sex). OP, I wouldn't blame you for walking. 2
Els Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 (edited) That seems like a stretch. Based on everything he has said so far, it seems more likely that this is just another immature thing she does to manipulate him. That doesn't seem like a stretch at all to me, assuming what he said about the uncle in the last thread was true ('most' uncles do not spend all that much time talking to their 19 yo nieces trying to convince her to marry her bf asap so that he gets to attend their wedding). To be fair, I haven't read anything other than those two threads. I agree that she's immature, but she's also 19. As for 'manipulating', well. I agree that it's manipulation in a sense. On the other hand, there is a large LS following that advises women to never move in with a man before marriage if she wants him to marry her. Some even tell her that she should move back out if he doesn't want to marry her. Milk for free and all that. Is that also 'manipulation', or is that simply 'protecting yourself'? Why the difference between the two? The only difference that I can see is personal belief. True. I do hope the uncle also realizes that his 19 year old niece isn't mature enough for marriage. Not based on what I read in the other thread. He should be counseling her on making proper choices in life (beyond having/not having sex). Yep. I think some people just can't see beyond their own beliefs, so to them, loving someone is to push those beliefs onto them. They don't realize how it sometimes makes things worse for the person they love. OP, I wouldn't blame you for walking.I think the OP should leave if he isn't happy with her new proposal, too. Edited May 4, 2014 by Elswyth 3
Candy_Pants Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 A woman (or a man) is "allowed" to stop sexual activities at any time, for any reason. And their partner is allowed to make the choice to leave them. It's pretty obvious she's now threatening to withhold sex to get the OP to change his mind about not wanting a hasty marriage. Which IS manipulation. 2
Author Tk123 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 I just want to be clear, it's not the fact of not having sex that is bothering me. Although it hurts to admit it, I know her personality by now and she is the type of girl that will initiate sex with you. She's not religious, and she's not an innocent little virgin and I'm almost positive her uncle knows that. She is very manipulative, controlling and immature. This all hurts to say because at the same time I love her to death. If I split things off with her I can already see how things are going to go. First of all, we live right down the street from each other in Upstate NY. When she comes home from college for the summer, it is going to be very awkward for me at least passing her house every day. Her parents and own siblings tell me all the time when she's not there: "You are the best thing that will ever happen to her and she's never going to find another one like you." When I heard that I was shocked but when I look back, I've put up with a lot of sh*t with this girl (excuse my french). I love her parents and her siblings and it is going to be hard not being able to communicate with them because I split things off with their daughter. Finally, I know how she is. After a break-up she needs to feel compensated and loved. She'll be at the bar the night it happens, and I'll be getting texts/calls of how drunk she is and how many guys she is making out and/or about to have sex with. It's immature and childish and I don't know how what to do or how to do it at this point. I've listed a bunch of negatives about this girl but at the same time there are many positives and good times we've had together. I think I'm just trying to rationalize, I don't know. :/ Thanks again, Tom
Eivuwan Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Basically she is going to try to hurt you if you stay with her and hurt you if you don't. It doesn't sound like you are very assertive with her. You can simply block her if she bothers you after the break up. 1
Els Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I just want to be clear, it's not the fact of not having sex that is bothering me. Although it hurts to admit it, I know her personality by now and she is the type of girl that will initiate sex with you. She's not religious, and she's not an innocent little virgin and I'm almost positive her uncle knows that. She is very manipulative, controlling and immature. This all hurts to say because at the same time I love her to death. If I split things off with her I can already see how things are going to go. First of all, we live right down the street from each other in Upstate NY. When she comes home from college for the summer, it is going to be very awkward for me at least passing her house every day. Her parents and own siblings tell me all the time when she's not there: "You are the best thing that will ever happen to her and she's never going to find another one like you." When I heard that I was shocked but when I look back, I've put up with a lot of sh*t with this girl (excuse my french). I love her parents and her siblings and it is going to be hard not being able to communicate with them because I split things off with their daughter. Finally, I know how she is. After a break-up she needs to feel compensated and loved. She'll be at the bar the night it happens, and I'll be getting texts/calls of how drunk she is and how many guys she is making out and/or about to have sex with. It's immature and childish and I don't know how what to do or how to do it at this point. I've listed a bunch of negatives about this girl but at the same time there are many positives and good times we've had together. I think I'm just trying to rationalize, I don't know. :/ Thanks again, Tom If this is how you feel about her, you should definitely leave. You can always block her number so you don't receive texts from her, and are you really losing out on that much by not talking to her parents anymore? Be polite but do what you gotta do. I gotta say, though, if you already 'know' she's the type to text you about having sex with other guys in order to exact revenge, why were you even still with her and making posts about other issues? A breakup seems to be way overdue here. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 TK123 Go back & re-read these threads. Nothing you are posting indicates that marriage is a good idea ever but especially not now. The more you tell us, the worse she looks. You will survive driving past her house. If possible go the other way but don't make that the reason you stay in this relationship. 1
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