Tk123 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 (edited) Hey all. I want to provide a little background on myself before I get into the story. I am a 20 year old male college student about to be entering my junior year. I recently moved within the past year and met a great girl who is 19 years old and lives about 10 minutes away from me while undergoing the moving process. Fast-forward 7 months later and we are in a serious relationship going strong and steady basically ever since 2 weeks after we met. I've met pretty much all of her family and she has met all of mine, and I feel like that I am the best thing to ever happen to her (not that that is a problem). We have been doing a long-distance relationship and see each other about every 3-4 weeks. She dorms and goes to school in Virginia, and I commute to school daily from New York. Over the past couple of months we've had our share of marriage conversations and our dream wedding/engagement when the day comes. *I love her to death and she is indeed the best thing to ever happen to me however I am in a serious issue now*: A very close relative to her (her uncle) has been battling cancer for years now. It has gone away for awhile but just recently has it spiked and gotten progressively worse. He is going back on chemo after being off of it for a long time and she explained how the last time he was on chemo he nearly died. Her uncle basically raised her when times got rough with her parents and I can understand the importance of him in her life. Lately, she has been stressing to me about how important it is that her uncle is there for our wedding before he passes. I understand where she is coming from however I feel like our relationship is still young and growing and although I can see myself marrying her within a few years, I don't think I can make anything happen for quite some time yet. She came up with an idea that we can have a little wedding with just close family and friends before we even getting engaged and for some reason that just bothers me. To top it off I am in the last couple weeks of classes and going to be taking intense final exams very soon which has been stressing me constantly. On top of that, I've just started working again within the past month and basically run off of 4-5 hours of sleep daily between work/school. I try expressing my feelings to her but there's no talking to her. She wants it her way and if it's not her way then it's the highway and will ignore me for hours on end. Luckily the subject was dropped but I KNOW for a fact it will be coming up again very soon and I don't know what to do or say to make her happy. She is definitely the best thing to ever happen to me, and I don't want to lose her over something like this. I am in desperate need for assistance/guidance on my situation. Thanks, Tom Edited May 2, 2014 by Tk123
Eivuwan Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I understand her desire to please her uncle before he dies, but it's obvious that she is being controlled by her emotions and that this is not a good idea at all. It is also a bad sign that she is basically trying to coerce you emotionally with talks of breaking up or by ignoring you. It's not good that that is what she does when she want things her way. I suggest that you just let her be and talk to her when she is willing to talk. You should definitely not marry if you don't feel ready. Edit: Oh I just noticed that she is 19. DEFINITELY DO NOT GET MARRIED. She is obviously too immature right now for such serious decisions. 2
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I agree. DO NOT GET MARRIED. As compelling and sympathetic a reason it is, to want to please a dying loved one, it is not a good reason to tie yourself to someone forever. Especially when you are both so young and there is so much change to come in the next few years. This is the time of your life when probably the most change happens to you - schools, work, friends, new places, travel, etc etc. Be in love with her, but save the big decisions for a few years down the road. But to the immediate problem, you just have to hold fast. YOu love her, you say, and you want to ease her suffering in this terrible time of her Uncle's illness, but getting married in a rush is not the way to do it. If she punishes you for that - with her silence or threats to leave - then you know for sure you are doing the right thing. Love shouldn't mean living under duress. Perhaps there is another way to go? What about getting engaged? People have long engagements these days. You can have an understanding that it won't happen for a few years yet. Or if that doesn't work for you either, you could exchange promise rings. The point is she can tell her Uncle that she'll okay after he goes, that everything will be sorted out for her.
Author Tk123 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 I agree. DO NOT GET MARRIED. As compelling and sympathetic a reason it is, to want to please a dying loved one, it is not a good reason to tie yourself to someone forever. Especially when you are both so young and there is so much change to come in the next few years. This is the time of your life when probably the most change happens to you - schools, work, friends, new places, travel, etc etc. Be in love with her, but save the big decisions for a few years down the road. But to the immediate problem, you just have to hold fast. YOu love her, you say, and you want to ease her suffering in this terrible time of her Uncle's illness, but getting married in a rush is not the way to do it. If she punishes you for that - with her silence or threats to leave - then you know for sure you are doing the right thing. Love shouldn't mean living under duress. Perhaps there is another way to go? What about getting engaged? People have long engagements these days. You can have an understanding that it won't happen for a few years yet. Or if that doesn't work for you either, you could exchange promise rings. The point is she can tell her Uncle that she'll okay after he goes, that everything will be sorted out for her. I mentioned getting engaged to her within the next year when money was right and she tells me all the time "I don't need a big fancy ring" and then the thing with her Uncle came up and she is really hooked on this whole small wedding with close family/friends before her uncle dies.
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Does she really think that the last thing her uncle wants to see is his 19 years old niece getting married? I am sure her uncle has other aspiration for her before he dies than seeing her getting married before she finishes college. I think he would be more proud of her is she graduated top of her class, that's a real accomplishment to offer him, marrying in not. Tell her it's no, marriage is too serious to just be rushing in it, you are both too young. You are not going to lose her, she is just manipulating you. And if she does end your relationship over this then what does it say about her!
Author Tk123 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Does she really think that the last thing her uncle wants to see is his 19 years old niece getting married? I am sure her uncle has other aspiration for her before he dies than seeing her getting married before she finishes college. I think he would be more proud of her is she graduated top of her class, that's a real accomplishment to offer him, marrying in not. Tell her it's no, marriage is too serious to just be rushing in it, you are both too young. You are not going to lose her, she is just manipulating you. And if she does end your relationship over this then what does it say about her! She tells me her Uncle talks to her all the time about me and her getting married one day. And I agree with you. I'm going to say no and if she does end it then she obviously wasn't the one for me. Don't get me wrong I love her to death but if she can't get accept my answer then it wasn't meant to be. 1
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 She tells me her Uncle talks to her all the time about me and her getting married one day. And I agree with you. I'm going to say no and if she does end it then she obviously wasn't the one for me. Don't get me wrong I love her to death but if she can't get accept my answer then it wasn't meant to be. Exactly 'one day'. Just like 'one day' she will have children, and 'one day' she will have that house with white picket fences and 'one day' she'll visit Europe. In no way it means I want to see you get married before I die. And EVEN if he told her he wished he'd be there when she gets married it doesn't mean in any way he wants her to rush into a marriage before his death. She's misinterpreting him.
Eivuwan Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Exactly 'one day'. Just like 'one day' she will have children, and 'one day' she will have that house with white picket fences and 'one day' she'll visit Europe. In no way it means I want to see you get married before I die. And EVEN if he told her he wished he'd be there when she gets married it doesn't mean in any way he wants her to rush into a marriage before his death. She's misinterpreting him. I don't know. Some traditional old people do think that way. My grandpa believes he is going to die soon and keeps pressuring me to tie the knots regardless of where I am in the relationship. But it is not a good reason to get married.
central Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 All this is no doubt true, but just the same it is manipulative. And as great as she may be, if this doesn't work out, there WILL be other equally great women in your future. You are very young and still in college so making this kind of commitment may be a huge mistake. If this relationship is meant to be, she will still be part of your life after you graduate, and you can marry then when you have the prospects of a career and can make realistic plans. So, don't marry her now. It is far too soon as you haven't even dated for at least a year - and I strongly and seriously think no one should marry without dating at least 2 or 3 years, and living together for at least one of those.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 If you were already engaged, pushing up the wedding date for the uncle's sake would be one thing. DH & I had a brief engagement because of the health of my mother & his grandmother. But to get married at such a young age before you both have completed your education just because her uncle isn't well, would not be the most solid foundation for either of you.
Author Tk123 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 So I spoke to my girlfriend on the phone this morning and she asked me if I thought of my decision about getting married while her Uncle is around. I tried explaining to her how I felt about her whole Uncle's situation and that it is better that we don't rush our marriage. I also explained to her the most important thing would be just spending time with her Uncle when she comes home from college for the summer. Her reply to me was "I gotta go" and hung up the phone on me. I'm really lost for words. I try being caring and loving about the whole situation and she gets pissed at me.
clia Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Now you are finding out how she deals with conflict and disagreements in your relationship. She hangs up the phone and ignores you. I think that says everything. Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? She isn't willing to listen to your perspective on something as important and life altering as getting married! I personally think both of you are far too young and your relationship is far too new to even be thinking about marriage at this point. Get your degrees, get jobs, and then think about it. 1
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 So I spoke to my girlfriend on the phone this morning and she asked me if I thought of my decision about getting married while her Uncle is around. I tried explaining to her how I felt about her whole Uncle's situation and that it is better that we don't rush our marriage. I also explained to her the most important thing would be just spending time with her Uncle when she comes home from college for the summer. Her reply to me was "I gotta go" and hung up the phone on me. I'm really lost for words. I try being caring and loving about the whole situation and she gets pissed at me. This should tell you to think twice before marrying someone that handles conflicts like this. This is highly immature and teenage like.
Emilia Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I'm really lost for words. I try being caring and loving about the whole situation and she gets pissed at me. Which is why really you shouldn't marry a 19 year-old. She is a kid. I know you are only 20 as well. I really think marriage should be discussed when you are a little older, certainly when she is more mature and can handle your point of view rather than only care about pushing through hers.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 You are being mature. She can't see past her grief. her behavior & her rush toward a wedding shows you that she isn't ready for marriage either because she's living in a romance novel not the real world. Hopefully she will come to her sense but for now, all you can do it give her space. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I'm sorry it's going this way, but I still believe you're doing the right thing. Give her a bit of time to process what you've said and let her come to you. Be present, let her know you're there and that you love her, and let her think on it a bit.
Author Tk123 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Thank you everyone for your support. I'm giving her space and time to think about what she wants. I'll keep everyone updated on the situation as it goes on. Once again thank you to all who posted, it means a lot.
Author Tk123 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 She is so hooked on the whole marriage thing still. She was telling me "I don't even care if it's a cheap engagement ring I just want to have you for the rest of my life." I tried explaining to her I'm not going anywhere and true love lasts forever whether there's an engagement ring on her finger or not however I still think she doesn't get it.
CarrieT Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 TK, it seems she is more myopic about the IDEA of *being* engaged and married than what it really means for the rest of her (your!) lives...
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