Was He after One thing

[The Like Fairy]

What if he did? This is dating, not prostitution. Actually getting a hooker would have made a lot more sense, but he'd rather use a girl for sex then dump her. Smh.

 

And this is often done for the purpose of giving himself an ego stroke, and adding to the number of sexual experiences he has had.

 

It's both ego driven, and driven by an individual's sex drive and thrill of the chase/hunt. People who deceive others regarding their true intentions lack integrity.

[Gaeta]

I actually think he is asking exactly what I said/asked. Did she want to have sex with him? If she did, then why is the man "like every other man doing OLD, just after one thing?" If she wanted to have sex, why once again are folks getting after the man here. She needs to define better boundaries if she wants to find what she feels is a higher quality man. Not once again "blame it on the man".

 

I am a woman and I agree with you. I don't know why women are so quick to throw: He used me!! If you have sex it's because you wanted to! You're an adult with a brain and if the guy doesn't promise you a rose garden then don't expect one because you had sex.

[thecrucible]

I am a woman and I agree with you. I don't know why women are so quick to throw: He used me!! If you have sex it's because you wanted to! You're an adult with a brain and if the guy doesn't promise you a rose garden then don't expect one because you had sex.

 

 

 

Yeah on the whole I agree. Everyone is responsible for their actions. I do however prefer men who aren't so much opportunists and prefer to lay everything on the table as to where the woman stands.

 

 

I think she could have at least asked in a casual way about what he was looking for from online dating and made a judgement based on his answer. I don't think that would sound too over the top. It's just a general question to figure out where you stand.

 

 

I had a similar situation with a guy but bailed as soon as I could tell he was only after one thing. He was disgusting. I'm glad I got rid of him.

[hotpotato]

I never invite a woman to my home until I feel we are exclusvie and I feel she is comfortable coming over. It's not an invitation, or expectation, for sex though. It's to show her another part of my life, my world, my home. With the current woman, she invited me to her home first, which I liked, though I did not assume we were going to have sex or it meant "sex".

 

I was not aware men actually had these strategies or tactics; interesting.

 

Oh yes. It's very common. A lot of men will try to lure a woman to his home under some other pretext-he wants to watch a movie, show her around, cuddle. As a general rule I never go to a man's place, let him come to my place, or go any place that has a bed alone with a man unless I want sex. This is true for OLD or not.

[soccerrprp]

On Easter Sunday he came over to my house after asking if he could. He gave me chocolates and we did end up having have sex. Last night he sent me the text saying that he didn't feel the spark or see a future although he tried.

 

He got what he wanted. He was only interested in the sex. It took him 5-dates to figure out that there wasn't any spark...and he tried?! No, it took him 5-dates to finally get you to have sex with him.

 

Sorry.

[Fondue]

This thread reminded me of a bit of a story:

 

I have a pretty firm rule as to whom is allowed in my home.

 

I'm a private person by nature, and my home is kind of my "sanctuary," so when I am with a woman and she suggests watching a movie or whatever (or at least check out my home/cat/etc.), I ALWAYS say something like: "There are plenty of other venues to hang out. We don't have to go back to mine to watch a movie or catch up on a show, we can do that elsewhere. If you are coming over, you are coming over for 'another thing.' I am private with my place and I don't go around flaunting it. Do you understand?"

 

So before she comes over, she KNOWS why she's coming over. I lay it all out on the line.

 

I always felt like that was a respectful way to do things, as in there is no second guessing and everyone knows what's going to be involved.

 

There was one time when a girl still insisted to come over, but when it got time to get undressed, she became stone cold. I told her this is unacceptable as she didn't follow my rules. Told her to put her shirt back on and get the hell out of my apartment. Didn't drive her home. I don't care how she got back.

 

She later tried to get in contact with me again and discuss gf/bf status or a "deeper" level of relationship. I was done with her **** and told her to get lost.

 

I was COMPLETELY okay with not having sex with her (although she was model quality gorgeous), I was very much NOT okay with the fact that she decided to come over despite agreeing to my "rules." We should have gone to some other place and done something fun and non-sexual. Instead, she wanted to come over and try to play me. Heh.

[ASG]

Oh yes. It's very common. A lot of men will try to lure a woman to his home under some other pretext-he wants to watch a movie, show her around, cuddle. As a general rule I never go to a man's place, let him come to my place, or go any place that has a bed alone with a man unless I want sex. This is true for OLD or not.

 

I remember on my first date with my ex, he tried to take me to the movies, but the cinema he wanted to take me to was closed or whatever and his backup plan was to get a dvd and go watch it at his house.

 

Obviously my alarm bells went into overdrive. I told him I didn't have all day and set a time to leave, but still went to his place.

 

I took on a very defensive stance. Sat on the complete opposite side of the couch, grabbing a couple of pillows, trying to make sure he wasn't even allowed to try and touch me! He tried to "play-fight" with me, but I was having none of it. At that point in time I was on the date to find out if there was any attraction was wasn't completely convinced yet!

 

 

Anyway, every invitation to go to someone's house, to me, means sex. Period. And I'll only go if I'm prepared for it to happen or if I have a very clear plan to get away if it looks like it's happening.

[HappyLove]

See not all of us are aware of the games people play. Some of us when a man says hey let's watch a movie at your place or mine many woman really do believe he wants to just watch this awesome movie. Not until we learn better do we realize oh that's code for something else.

 

Then you have these guys, online especially, telling us how cute our baby would be, how you're so great and impressive, no other girl has been as interesting. They text you all day everyday making you believe, wow we are so into each other. Then you give it up or they find some other sucker and he goes poof. This guy was actually a step above the rest because usually they just vanish. These men will say any and everything to get a woman's guard down and make them believe things are real. They PURPOSELY mislead women.

[The Like Fairy]

I was not aware men actually had these strategies or tactics; interesting.

 

I don't know whether or not you are joking, Babolat.......

 

You are a man over age 30 (over 40 even?) been on this website over a year, and have almost 3,000 posts, many in the dating section.

 

Surely you must be kidding that you were not aware that men use these strategies and tactics to get laid!

 

 

Nevermind, I am quite sure you are joking.

[Babolat]

I don't know whether or not you are joking, Babolat.......

 

You are a man over age 30 (over 40 even?) been on this website over a year, and have almost 3,000 posts, many in the dating section.

 

Surely you must be kidding that you were not aware that men use these strategies and tactics to get laid!

 

 

Nevermind, I am quite sure you are joking.

I was serious. I have never invited a woman over to my place (first invitation of course) with the sole intention to have sex. Never even thought about "Hmmm, I can get her over here for sex".

 

In fact, the last 4 woman I have invited to my house, they are the ones who initiated sex, and decided when it was going to happen, not me. My ex gf, if I recall correctly, the 2nd time she came over, we had sex. She said she was ready, she planned to have sex that night, and she planned to spend the night with me in my bed.

 

I'm now thinking about this past Friday night, the current woman I am seeing invited me to her house, and yeah, we had sex for the first time. I jokingly asked if she planned it, and she said "well, kind of, I was ready".

 

 

And yeah, I'm 47, still a little naive I guess.

[Gaeta]

See not all of us are aware of the games people play. Some of us when a man says hey let's watch a movie at your place or mine many woman really do believe he wants to just watch this awesome movie. Not until we learn better do we realize oh that's code for something else.

I have had movie nights at my home with no sex. It's not because a man crosses my threshold that I lose my common sense. No still means no. She had sex with him because she wanted to. She could have stopped it at anytime, say thank you for the lovely evening and walk him to the door.

 

Then you have these guys, online especially, telling us how cute our baby would be, how you're so great and impressive, no other girl has been as interesting. They text you all day everyday making you believe, wow we are so into each other. Then you give it up or they find some other sucker and he goes poof. This guy was actually a step above the rest because usually they just vanish. These men will say any and everything to get a woman's guard down and make them believe things are real. They PURPOSELY mislead women.

You give it up because he compliments you and gives you a little attention? That's not misleading someone.

 

Misleading someone is telling her he wants a serious relationship with her, blahblah, and he bails after sex, that's misleading.

[hasaquestion]

If you don't want to have sex with someone, don't have sex with them. Sounds straightforward.

[hotpotato]

I have had movie nights at my home with no sex. It's not because a man crosses my threshold that I lose my common sense. No still means no. She had sex with him because she wanted to. She could have stopped it at anytime, say thank you for the lovely evening and walk him to the door.

 

You give it up because he compliments you and gives you a little attention? That's not misleading someone.

 

Misleading someone is telling her he wants a serious relationship with her, blahblah, and he bails after sex, that's misleading.

 

I have met maybe one guy who really was fine with just watching tv. Its very uncommon. Even a guy I was dating assumed we were going to have sex because I was alone with him.

 

No means no. The OP should realize that there are men out there who wont take no for an answer.

 

This man came with the pretense that he really liked her. Maybe he thought she was sweet and vulnerable, so her took advantage. That being said, I have had men tell how much he liked me, how much he wanted to date me, etc. Of course, it was a lie. There are guys who will pull out all the stops. Hopefully, the op will be more savvy next time.

[hotpotato]

I was serious. I have never invited a woman over to my place (first invitation of course) with the sole intention to have sex. Never even thought about "Hmmm, I can get her over here for sex".

 

In fact, the last 4 woman I have invited to my house, they are the ones who initiated sex, and decided when it was going to happen, not me. My ex gf, if I recall correctly, the 2nd time she came over, we had sex. She said she was ready, she planned to have sex that night, and she planned to spend the night with me in my bed.

 

I'm now thinking about this past Friday night, the current woman I am seeing invited me to her house, and yeah, we had sex for the first time. I jokingly asked if she planned it, and she said "well, kind of, I was ready".

 

 

And yeah, I'm 47, still a little naive I guess.

 

Yes, that does sound a bit sheltered.

 

I remember one time I went over to a mans house for movie and cuddle, and he can became very upset when he found out I was on the rag.

 

The last time a guy invited me over for a movie he was very confused. I wanted to actually watch a movie, and he just didnt understand.

[Cpt]

What if he did? This is dating, not prostitution. Actually getting a hooker would have made a lot more sense, but he'd rather use a girl for sex then dump her. Smh.

 

Well if he paid, then she used him too. Dating is essentially legalized and sugarcoated prostitution. Keep up.

[veggirl]

Don't have sex with a new person you aren't exclusive with if you aren't a-okay with them never calling again. imo this guy always just wanted sex, his quip about you providing "dessert" was gross and something that's cute and funny in a relationship but not on a 3rd date. that was a huge sign.

[Girlwiththefairytatt]

To answer everyones question. Yes I did want the sex. Also the guy did say he was looking for a relationship when we chatted but he hadn't been in one for a while I think he said two years because he hadnt had the time to look and had never made it a priority. I think he said he had only been looking for a few months. I will admit I thought it was a lie because Im sure I saw his profile before but I gave him the benefit of the doubt a bit like when he used the dessert line. Im not playing the victim. Im just curious how someone can do a complete 180. From my experience online most of the guys wanting sex are pretty blunt eg lets meetup at a budget motel or are u DTF they dont put that much effort in

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

To answer everyones question. Yes I did want the sex. Also the guy did say he was looking for a relationship when we chatted but he hadn't been in one for a while I think he said two years because he hadnt had the time to look and had never made it a priority. I think he said he had only been looking for a few months. I will admit I thought it was a lie because Im sure I saw his profile before but I gave him the benefit of the doubt a bit like when he used the dessert line. Im not playing the victim. Im just curious how someone can do a complete 180. From my experience online most of the guys wanting sex are pretty blunt eg lets meetup at a budget motel or are u DTF they dont put that much effort in

 

Well...how was the sex??? It's possible he was interested, but not completely sold, and wanted to wait and see if there was a strong physical connection.

 

Another scenario would be that he's been online much longer than he admitted to. Something I discovered when online dating is that after time, people stop looking for someone they can connect with, and instead keep looking for the next best thing.

[Girlwiththefairytatt]

Well...how was the sex??? It's possible he was interested, but not completely sold, and wanted to wait and see if there was a strong physical connection.

 

Another scenario would be that he's been online much longer than he admitted to. Something I discovered when online dating is that after time, people stop looking for someone they can connect with, and instead keep looking for the next best thing.

 

It was good not the best but not the worst. He seemed satisfied enough to go again. He also he hadnt done it in along time bit would be gettong more now and had to stop so he wouldnt come too quickly. So id say good emough

[kaylan]

Women need to stop acting like the guy "used" them when the woman didnt communicate about what she was looking for, and because she didnt get her way. This is a lesson...if you want a relationship, you make sure you say you want to continue exclusively dating before the sex happens.

 

This is why I always make sure to have the talk about intentions and expectations before sex. And guess what? If anyone saw my thread from a month or two ago, they would see that even in an agreed upon fling arrangement, the woman called me a jerk, and said she felt like a used whore because I called things off quickly.

 

Basically it seems like some women pull the "he used me" card whenever they dont get their way. And it didnt matter that I told that woman that I didnt view her as a whore at all, and that the chemistry just wasnt right. She still maintained that I was a jerk, and that I used her and made her feel like a whore.

 

So sure, plenty of guys mislead women and lie to them...but in OPs case she never discussed what she was looking for, and what her expectations were. And in my case, we made our intentions known upfront, and we were both honest, but the man still came out the bad guy.

I think he did not feel you were sexually compatible. If the sex had blown his mind away he would have come back for more.

I agree with this.

Well I have ended short term relationships right after sex because

 

1. It was bad

2. We had different and incompatible style in bed.

3. I did not feel we could work on it.

 

And no I did not tell the guy it was because I felt he was a lazy ass in bed lol, I just told him I didn't feel we had something to build on.

Lol, my experience is most girls are lazy in bed. Luckily my last partner made a big effort to please me

Edited April 25, 2014 by kaylan

[veggirl]

I don't know about most girls being lazy in bed (as I don't sleep with girls) but I agree with the rest of your post, Kaylan. If you willingly had sex, you weren't used. If you had sex assuming it meant something more, that's on you. If you don't want sex outside of a relationship then don't have it. Don't assume.

 

Women are often scared to be up front about what they want because they want to be seen as carefree and easy-going and not pressuring. It's insecurity.

 

I agree that "he used me!!" is thrown around way too much and honestly it makes women sound like pathetic beings who are ridiculously easily manipulated.

 

OP I'm sorry you got hurt, but lesson learned hopefully.

[Leigh 87]

Make sure the guy is super into you before letting him have access to your body.

 

If you KNEW a guy didn't particularly like you and didn't respect you much and totally did NOT consider you the type he thought was worthy of dating, would you give him your naked body? HELL NO.

 

Well, sadly, some men who do not especially like you or think you are dating material will pretend they are into you to get sex and then they disappear.

 

If I were single again I would personally wait a few MONTHS of getting to know a guy before sleeping together, to ensure he adored me.

 

Wait until a guy adores you before spreading your legs for him. Really. Please do it.

[Leigh 87]

And ummm guys.

 

A confession here.. I AM lazy in bed. Yep. I don't much like sucking dick lolz.

 

But ya, when a guy is super into me and we share STRONG chemistry, the hooking up stage is ALWAYS stellar. Always.

 

If this guy felt strong sexual chemistry with a girl I doubt the sex would be bad.

[Girlwiththefairytatt]

I think I shouldve rephrased my question to was I bad in bed as some people think Im complaining about being used. First off Im fine with casual sex. When single I have a small number of much younger but legal boys who want fum to call up. I wouldve been cool if this guy was just wanting fun. He may have been a good 10 years older than my other fwb guys but he was a chunkier less good looking version of Vin Diesel so all good. Im just wondering how he could be so keen then loose intesrest. If I was a conquest all good Id say it works both ways and damn I admire the effort. On the otherhand Im concerened if it was a case of bad sex or something else then I have reason to be concerned cause then its me. Im also asking if he lost interest because I had sex with him. I usually try before I buy its worked in the past but some say if you want someone to like you then dont shag them

[Gaeta]

To answer everyones question. Yes I did want the sex. Also the guy did say he was looking for a relationship when we chatted

I am looking for a long term relationship is NOT the same as I am interested in you for a LTR.

 

You have 2 choices.

 

1. You make the guy wait till you are in an exclusive relationship. Which means nothing because he can still bail after sex anyway.

 

2. Or you just have sex when you feel like it, under no obligation, the guy stays good, the guy leaves who cares! go to next.

 

I usually work backward. I don't make a guy wait to see if he just wants sex, I have sex with him pretty quickly so if it's just sex then he'll be out of my way right away, no feelings wasted on him.

 

It never happened I had sex with a man and he did not want to see me again. It always turned into some type of relationship, some short term some longer.