Dumped because of jealous child

[Summerrose2013]

Chi, I would have agreed with you only a few months ago but he has made it very clear he does not want to be with me - in fact I think he still pines for his ex although he strongly denied this. She was the polar opposite to me in every way.

 

He is all of the things you have said But. This is also a guy who told me loved me and wanted to grow old with me in the same text as he dumped me. He couldn't even give me the courtesy of a call. This has really hurt me. And talk about confused.

 

Anyway, there is a development.

 

What should I suppose have been every person's dream on here. He has contacted me. He sent me a cheque. It was for money I'd given towards the girls holiday pot and for a trip out I paid for last year. I guess he's cleansing what he sees as guilt debts. Also got a note saying the child is not bad she's just confused as she wants him to get back with her mum. (This is the mum who is getting remarried and she is being a bridesmaid to.) No argument there that the kid is messed up then. But he is obviously not communicating with her on a level she understands. But I also think he's ignoring the jealousy issue by focusing only on the reunion hopes. She would never want him back now, I'm almost certain.

 

Now here's the really confusing bit. A thankyou card from the kid who likes me. He'd bought me a cuddly toy I left at his and asked for her to have it. All good.

 

Then a card from the one who insisted she didn't want me around to say ty for her birthday card but on the front a picture of her crying and her dad crying.

 

Definitely one messed up family.

 

Still no remorse from him or anything about me, how I'd been hurt. He is just in disbelief that I think his child was cruel to me and can't comprehend that any child of his actually has inherited the mother's cruel streak. I'm sure any parent on here will relate to that. The note was just all about them and I'm massively insulted by the cheque. Do I bank it and let him clear his conscience?

 

I do not want to reply. I'm just starting to feel like I'm making progress. If I start contact again it will set me right back. I really can't go through that again. But I was brought up to be courteous. Seems rude not to reply even a short acknowledgement.

 

Is it wrong to not reply? I don't know what any of this means?

 

I guess what I'm asking for here is permission that, whatever any sympathies there are for him, I can maintain NC and put myself first. It's not something he's ever seen me do before. I don't know how he will react. He will 100% be expecting me to be grateful for the contact and expect some long winded reply, as I've done in the past.

 

I guess I know he's still thinking of me but nothing has changed for him. I didn't feel any love towards him when I read his note. It gave me no false hopes that he was trying for a reconciliation. I think it's still all about him. And that's fine, for him, but really does nothing for me...

Edited April 23, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[Chi townD]

Well, if you lost all feelings for him and you don't see yourself with him for the long haul, then continue NC. Don't respond to anyone. You need to put them in your past. They were only in your life for a short time and anymore interaction with him and the kids is going to slow the healing process for, not only you, but for him and those kids.

 

 

Think of it as pulling the Band-Aid off quickly.

[todreaminblue]

I know my kids really struggled when their dad abandoned the family to be with his affair partner, they don't have a lot of respect for the woman involved, but,they have never been anything but polite and courteous,took me years to forgive her, i have this thing about women being sisters to other women and supporting families to stick together, my girls are polite and respectful, because that is their dads choice, the same goes with me, they weren't ready for me to date six months on but why would they be ready it was far too soon for us as a family, i didn't let them make the decision whether i should date i just knew they were hurting and needed at least one parent to devote time and effort into helping them through it......the residuals are shocking......long lasting effects......from the break up,from abandonment , confusion, self worth, self esteem, attitude towards boys,insecurities

 

 

It saddens me that people seem to be titling the kids brats,but maybe i am not being thoughtful enough myself,when a child is really hurt they act out in different ways in my experience......doesnt make them bad kids, but definitely kids who need possibly professional help which I did get to help our family through......deb

Edited April 23, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Summerrose2013]

Thank you.

 

I had some pretty bad issues when I was a kid, left home very young becuase of an alcholic step dad, and my dads new girlfriend hated us and even at one point pursuaded my dad to break all contact with us/disown us. So I definitely was biased in this whole case, as I wanted to protect the kids, I always over tolerated the childs rudeness to me and made a million allowances because of her background. I honestly would have worked really hard to make this work for all of us (had he given me a chance.) I loved all of them.

 

But whichever way I play out the various scenarios now, however much we can all say the kids are not to blame, it still ends badly for ME, and currently I am the only person looking out for my own welfare, the kids are only capable of thinking of themselves at this age, the father is taking care of them, and I'm left an outsider feeling constantly awful, pushed away, tiptoeing around everyone elses feelings whilst becoming an insecure wreck myself (and no man likes this in a woman).

 

He will never have the nerve to handle things any differently. He still hopes that as they grow older they will ask to come live with him. That could be 8+ years away. What happens if the girl wants to live with him but I'm living there? I'll be insecure for the next ten years, either way, wondering if he'll 'let me go' again. He never would discuss our future or me moving in with him and now I know why - he wants nothing in the way of his kids wanting to come live with him, including a girlfriend. he will never fight for me. He is not secure in his kids love which I find very sad - he wont do anything he says he thinks will stop them loving him - he obviously doesn't understand the nature of real love - possibly because he's never been shown it himself - he has no contact with his own mother and his father moved away to get away from his awful mother, although they are in contact every week now (his dad).

 

Already me and him could only see each other at weekends - with me excluded from the kids lives, that becomes every other weekend.....very hard to sustain and I will be honest, I do get lonely, and I do want someone to be with all the time. I was ready to move to be with him (not straight away, but in time), quit my job, my friends, everything, to make a go of it, but he never would even discuss that. The light is suddenly coming on as to why.

 

I am so glad I found this forum, because as much as I read about the no contact rule elsewhere, it is only coming here that I have been told that NC is as much about protecting myself as a strategy for trying to get an ex back. I'm definitely now using it for myself. I know I'm a real soft touch, tihs family knows that too, and I honestly can't go through this for another 8+ years, waiting for their family future to play out. Anyway, at 'my age' I don't have those amount of years to wait. Im realistic that in my forties I can still meet a great guy, but in my fifties, my own health will be worse, or honestly I may even not be here, awful as that sounds. My health isn't great now, and this last year it's been awful. All the travelling has been a massive stress, not to mention the issues I've talked about here of course. if I wanted to have a child (unlikely but not impossible in my forties) it would never be an option with this guy, even to adopt. He mentioned it once, but now I konw that is a pipe dream. He would never do that to his kids, and I would not want any child of mine to be exposed to his jealous daughter.

 

Writing here has been such therapy for me. Its really given me a place to think things out rather than having more ugly conversations with him. Maybe, this way, I can be civil with him. It's going to be hard to avoid him for ever, due to our family connections, but I'll try for at least a year.

 

I think his family and life will need years, not months, to work itself out, and yes, we will ALL get our equilibrium back a lot sooner if the band aid is yanked off quickly. No Contact - going into day 8 and still holding...I'm nervous he will text me to ask if I got the cheque, but praying he won't as that would be really rude then not to respond. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

I still love him, I was the happiest I had been for years with him, but sometimes it's important to know when to let go....:(...they do say that if you truely love someone, you should let them go.

[todreaminblue]

I am really sorry that you were pushed to the outer, and it must be really hard for you , i dont remember reading if he ever attempted counselling for the jealousy and the girl who is unable to cope with her father having another relationship,was it ever put on the table to get counselling as a family, including you? Was it ever considered?

 

 

If you love someone set them free thats all cool as long as you don't get hit by a bus......life happens......i think if you love someone you do as much as you can to stay together

 

 

it seems all a bit one sided in his approach your feelings and needs should have been met as well as the daughters needs as well as his needs......no contact seems to be the solution for you.....you were willing and obviously ready to compromise to make it work , which is a shame, the daughter might have learned some of your behaviours......would have helped her mature to a giving and more understanding person.......i think professional help would help the daughter....he will probably realise that later on when he has some real trials.........

 

 

 

for you....i wish you the very best, stay strong ....debxo

[Summerrose2013]

I did suggest when I first met him that he should have counselling but he poo pood it. I also sent him some information recently on how to work with children following divorce - how to move on and how to deal with jealousy against new partners but as far as I'm aware he didn't take this seriously. He obviously thinks he knows better - despite making a complete hash of it so far. perhaps I'll order him a book from the money he send me.

 

The kids is messed up. She needs a role model, to see that some adult relationships can work. But he is not open to anything I say to him, he is so black and white / head in the sand. I've done with trying to help him, it's not my place any more. I want to grab and shake him, I could write him PAGES of what I think , but he blanks it all out. he just comes back with the same replies over and over again..and it's always about him, it never inolved me Only time will show him - like so many of us - what mistakes we have made.

 

The daughter blows so hot and cold you can hardly keep up with her. One minute she tells me I'm part of the family, next she wants me to leave for ever. I don't underestimate the influence of her mother but until the father is prepared to be a bit less spineless, any effort I put in to trying to point anything out is just wasted and the only effect will be to make me feel even more rubbish.

 

Meh.

 

I wish he hadn't contacted me. Anyone who thinks that contact will make you feel better, take it from me, it doesn't, it just sets you back. As long as nothing has changed, of course. If this guy gave me any inclining he wanted to change his life with me by his side, and would commit to this, and to me, I would be bang them for him.

 

Double meh.

[BC1980]

It's just a different dynamic when a child is involved. When my ex told me we couldn't get engaged because his son wasn't ready, the entire relationship just started falling apart. I don't blame his son at all. I will always love his son as my own, but he had issues for sure. Me ex's wife had died years ago, so his son was used to only being with his dad for 5 years. It became more of an equal partnership than a parent-child relationship.

 

My ex had his own set of issues, and he pretty much messed up his son. The problem comes when people don't address their issues and try to change. We had several discussions about issues, but nothing ever changed.

[Summerrose2013]

BC1980 Thankyou for sharing your story. I've been doing some reading up and apparently this type of over attachment by the parent to the child is referred to as the Surrogate Spouse syndrome.

I got a thankyou today from one of his family. For the first time since his wife left he sent thankyou cards from the girls and he also had them make belated birthday cards for their cousins. Seemingly some of what I said to him (albeit in anger) about him not caring about the rest of the family has hit a raw nerve.

It's his kids birthday today but I haven't reached out to him.

I think he needs to get thorough this on his own. I can't offer him support and anyway I'm sure he'll be deeply either in denial or self pity.

[BC1980]

I did suggest when I first met him that he should have counselling but he poo pood it. I also sent him some information recently on how to work with children following divorce - how to move on and how to deal with jealousy against new partners but as far as I'm aware he didn't take this seriously. He obviously thinks he knows better - despite making a complete hash of it so far. perhaps I'll order him a book from the money he send me.

 

You can't help someone that doesn't see they have a problem. I learned that lesson the hard way with my ex. He never thought he had a problem parenting, even though his entire family thought he did. I could get into a laundry list of issues, but it's not even worth my time anymore. I'm outta there

 

These situations aren't really that uncommon. One of my friends wasted 6 years on someone who just let his daughter rule everything. I can't fathom dating someone for 6 years and dealing with that, but I guess I did it for 3. So I can't really judge. Even my ex told me he never accepted his step mom until after he graduated from college. It's always weird for kids when someone else crashes the party, and, usually, the younger the kids, the harder it is.

[BC1980]

BC1980 Thankyou for sharing your story. I've been doing some reading up and apparently this type of over attachment by the parent to the child is referred to as the Surrogate Spouse syndrome.

I got a thankyou today from one of his family. For the first time since his wife left he sent thankyou cards from the girls and he also had them make belated birthday cards for their cousins. Seemingly some of what I said to him (albeit in anger) about him not caring about the rest of the family has hit a raw nerve.

It's his kids birthday today but I haven't reached out to him.

I think he needs to get thorough this on his own. I can't offer him support and anyway I'm sure he'll be deeply either in denial or self pity.

 

Don't reach out on the kid's birthday. My ex's son had a birthday this month, and I did not reach out. I made a thread about it actually, and I got a unanimous NO. So that settled it, and I didn't send a card. My ex and his son had the most dysfunctional relationship. It was just unbelievable, but my ex really did love his son. There was no denying that, but it was difficult to watch him just mess the poor kid up.

 

Something else you have to consider is your role as a "parent" with his children. What I mean is how much sway you would have over the decisions made regarding the children or if you can discipline the children if they misbehave. My ex basically let his child do whatever he wanted, and there were no boundaries. I always ended up being the bad guy because I did something as simple as expecting his son to have a shower and be in bed by a certain time. My ex didn't even have rules about bedtime for an 8 year old, and it was utter chaos. All of this is making me realize I am glad to be out of that situation

[BC1980]

I don't have much input on the specific incident going on in this post, but I just want to say that it's NOT TRUE to say that if you date someone with a kid that you will never be "first".

 

It's not about first when it comes to love. There is no queue that everyone has where they serve out the first helping of love to their favorites and the rest get the cold leftovers.

 

The love for a child is MUCH different than the love for a partner. One is not necessarily stronger than the other. It's just different.

 

And I'm married to a woman who had a child when we were first together and I never, not for a second, felt like I was the "afterthought".

 

I do agree that this is how it should be, but, in my case, it wasn't always like that. I think the OP's problem (and the problem with my ex) is that the child was brought into adult decisions regarding the relationship. That's more of what I meant by not coming first.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I have to agree with KungFu here. I dated a man with a 6 year old son and though he had primary custody of his child I never felt like an "afterthought."

 

What struck me when you described your situation was the fact that your ex's daughter did not want you to be him even when she would be at her moms...and the fact that your ex was okay with this type of request.

 

There has to be a healthy balance between being sensitive & attentive to your child's needs/feelings and living your life. This child is obviously threatened by you and doesn't want to have to compete with you for her father's attention. This doesn't make her cruel. She's just a kid who's having a difficult time dealing with her father & mother's separation and wanting to get 100% of Daddy's time, attention and love.

 

A kid will be a kid. It's up to the parents to show them that they are loved and heard but don't get everything they want.

 

Your ex was clearly not ready to date you. He will have to find a good balance in order to have a successful relationship with anyone. Either that or meet a woman who has unlimited amount of patience to deal with a situation in which the child rules the roost.

 

You deserve to a priority. You deserve to have all of your needs met. You know this man won't be able to give that to you so you have no choice but to move on.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Please go NC and begin the process of healing.

 

 

 

I don't have much input on the specific incident going on in this post, but I just want to say that it's NOT TRUE to say that if you date someone with a kid that you will never be "first".

 

It's not about first when it comes to love. There is no queue that everyone has where they serve out the first helping of love to their favorites and the rest get the cold leftovers.

 

The love for a child is MUCH different than the love for a partner. One is not necessarily stronger than the other. It's just different.

 

And I'm married to a woman who had a child when we were first together and I never, not for a second, felt like I was the "afterthought".

Edited April 25, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[melodymatters]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are doing the emotional work to take care of yourself. Good on you !!!!

 

In my opinion, you dodged a HUGE bullet ! I can relate to the the other posters stories about guilt and therefore no discipline. In my case we both were single parents but because of his guilt he laid down NO rules and it was a HORRIBLE example for my daughter to witness.

 

Then there's my friend in her 50's dating a man for 5 yrs now that she used to date back in college. His THIRTY FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER still won't accept their relationship ( the parents broke up 15 yrs ago, long before my friend entered the picture again) and that is part of why though she sold her house and moved out of state to be with him but they STILL don't live together.

 

Personally I would rather be perpetually single, UGH !

 

I think this whole "The kids must always come first" thing is BS too and it's raising a generation of entitled monsters. Throughout history, kids were cared for, but not doted upon. Of course when my daughter needed dinner, help with homework or just to talk I was there for her, but I didn't drop everything, not ever go away on weekends or the like just because a child wanted something NOW, as kids are wont to do. In a healthy group dynamic whoevers needs might be more pressing at the moment should come first. For example if my partner needed serious business advice but my daughter wanted me to play barbies with her, sorry, barbies will have to wait dear, go do this or that and mom will be with you later. "Joe and I are having an important grown up discussion."

[Summerrose2013]

BC1980 I can really feel the conflict you are still feeling from your post. We love a man and want to help them. We can list for a mile the things WE see are going on but they are blinkered. Being a widower must make it worse in a way. I've heard it said it's awful but you can't ever compete with the memory of a dead person who becomes idealised and perfect to those left behind.

 

I agree it's not about who comes first but I hear this constantly from fathers who only see their kids weekends. He'll I've even see them write it on dating sites (instant block them!)

My sister is happy with her partner who has kids. Never had any of these issues although they were a bit older in their teens.

 

It's counter intuitive when you love someone and know they will be hurting NOT to reach out to try and comfort them on hard day's. But I also want him to feel alone today. How can he miss me if I'm still there for him even after he has rejected me? And why should I be? He needs to learn the reality of what being on his own for another 10 years will mean. I am so grateful I found this site. I'm amazed and bowled over by the amazing insights people have shared on here and the home truths. No matter how hard they are to swallow.

Before coming here I would 100% have contacted him to offer comfort.

 

He has been receptive to some of my criticism. He is one of those guys who hates for anyone to think badly of him or his kids so that has definitely hit home. But I'm not kidding myself that he will ever rethink his own parenting or my easy rejection.

 

Thank goodness I never had 6 years of misery and resentment. I've found a brilliant website for step parents. I must find the link and post it. It was written by a woman who felt she had nowhere to express her true feelings towards her step kids and her situation because she would get vilified. How she has to live by all his rules because of the kids - where they live, when they take holidays, whether they can have more kids, get married Tec. Needless to say she now has a massive following.

 

Edit. Just read the last posts. TY (-:

What I am seeing is that it's the weekend parents that often have the biggest issues. Parents who see their kids all the time are much more balanced. It's the whole guilt trip for the Sunday dads unfortunately. Even where they are the the wronged party in the break up. They get a lot of sympathy and we over tolerate things from them and their kids.

Edited April 25, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[BC1980]

BC1980 I can really feel the conflict you are still feeling from your post. We love a man and want to help them. We can list for a mile the things WE see are going on but they are blinkered. Being a widower must make it worse in a way. I've heard it said it's awful but you can't ever compete with the memory of a dead person who becomes idealised and perfect to those left behind.

 

He never made me feel that I couldn't compete with his wife, but I don't know what he thought in his head. You are right though; we tend to idealize people after they are gone. It's gets so complicated when you have a person who just doesn't cope with emotions well and doesn't seek help for problems. I overlooked a lot because I felt sorry for my ex because of what he had been through. I excused things because I thought that he must just be doing the best he could. Maybe he always had issues, and his wife's death pushed him over the edge. He was very cold at times, and I think it just scared him to open up and feel any emotion. I think he felt so much when his wife died that he didn't want to go there again.

 

I'm honestly just glad to be able to move on from it, and I can tell you that it's not worth your time in the long run. NC has helped me to see that. It's been a year since the breakup, so I'm at a point where I don't ruminate on it anymore. I just don't care, and I want to be done with it. It still makes me sad, but the overwhelming feeling is one of relief that we are no longer in contact. Trust me, I was worried that I might never get to that point. Whatever his issues are or were, they are not of my concern anymore. I've let go of most of it. I haven't fully forgiven, but I've been able to forgive some of it. You will get to that point one day, and, trust me, it's a good feeling.

[BC1980]

I think this whole "The kids must always come first" thing is BS too and it's raising a generation of entitled monsters. Throughout history, kids were cared for, but not doted upon. Of course when my daughter needed dinner, help with homework or just to talk I was there for her, but I didn't drop everything, not ever go away on weekends or the like just because a child wanted something NOW, as kids are wont to do. In a healthy group dynamic whoevers needs might be more pressing at the moment should come first. For example if my partner needed serious business advice but my daughter wanted me to play barbies with her, sorry, barbies will have to wait dear, go do this or that and mom will be with you later. "Joe and I are having an important grown up discussion."

 

I agree, and it's become somewhat of the norm. I remember suggesting that my ex and I go away on a vacation together one weekend without his son. My ex immediately said NO, and we wouldn't be doing that until his son was old enough to stay home alone. My parents were happy to keep his son. I just didn't think it was fair to me or the relationship, and it's not healthy. That's what I mean when I say the child came first. It shouldn't have to be that way, but it sadly is many times.

[Summerrose2013]

I'm an idiot.

 

I realised it as soon as I broke NC yesterday. My defenses were down after the family saying how he must have listened to what I said after he got his kids to send out belated birthday cards and thankyou cards.

 

I wrote him a letter. I didn't want to text or email as I didn't want a knee jerk reaction from him I wanted him to sit and read it properly and even 're read it.

 

I asked him why he sent me the sad faces from his kid who got rid of me. I told him I had learned a lot from my experiences. I told him he was going to mess up his kids by putting the pressure of all his happiness on them. I told him he needed to show them that he has needs and feeling a as grown man or they would become selfish and mess up their own families. I told him that I missed him but did not want him back. In fact I'm not even sure I do miss him anymore. I wanted to make him feel bad though. I KNOW! Men like this don't feel bad. He only felt bad that his family thought he was an arse and his kids were spoilt selfish and ungrateful.

I listed the things I missed about him. I wanted to make him miss them. But I did it with a cold heart. I don't think I love or even like him any more. I wanted to make him miss me. I wanted him to want me back so I could reject him. I realise this is a) evil and vengeful and b) highly unlikely but you know what they say about a woman scorned. I've also been having evil thoughts about how I can mess up his exes relationship in revenge for her interference and part in breaking us up by bad mouthing me to the kid. I KNOW none of this is healthy and I'm sure it will pass.

 

I told him if he waits until he is older to date he will be fat and grey and too set in his ways (we used to make jokes about this so he'll take this as tongue in cheek). When I met him he was so bloody and said he loved the feminine touches I was bringing back into his home. Huh.

 

Then I printed out some information on how to co parent after divorcing (he pretty much refuses to communicate with his ex except brief functional texts he is the master of NC!) Also how to help your kids through divorce and then last bit was on dating after divorce.

 

I felt better for writng it and even after posting if. I really felt like I had offloaded all of my residual things I needed to get out of my system. It was all about me.

 

I'm sort of 50/50 now between regret sending it and knowing myself that I had to put myself through this final humiliation before I could get closure.

 

I felt like I was in an out of control car heading for a crash. I could not avoid the crash and knew the only way was for me to put myself through it and survive the horror and pain but then climb out of the wreckage, look back on the carnage and thank God for my escape before moving forward with my new life.

 

I've also told a bloke I dated once that it's off. He's got a kid and I'm not ready to do that again anytime soon.

 

Forgive me I have sinned. I am a grown woman with a great career but still constantly mess up my own life. I think I'm struggling with the fact that no matter what I say to this man he doesn't see it. I want to fix it. It may be some warped Florence Nightingale complex. I take on rescue animals. Maybe it's just an extension of that. And the feeling of being out of control. I could never now have a relationship with this man. I see all his faults now and would never feel secure. I hate the person I have become lately.

 

But eventually there will anyway be contact through the family so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.

 

I'm back to day one of NC through. I will report back what and if he responds but I'm not holding out for anything that will make me feel better.

 

On day 30 of NC I'm going to reward myself by cashing his cheque and spending it as my reward. This is my new incentive to maintain NC.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[BC1980]

I think you're going to regret this. You might have gotten an initial high by sending it, but it usually ends up making you feel worse later on. It's not your job to list people's faults to them. They aren't going to agree with you anyway. They are simply going to be defensive even if you are right.

 

I think you need to stop putting energy into this and move on. It's not worth your time. I know it's tempting to tell other people how they are wrong, big it makes you look bad. I think it also make you feel bad too.

[Summerrose2013]

I think you're going to regret this. You might have gotten an initial high by sending it, but it usually ends up making you feel worse later on. It's not your job to list people's faults to them. They aren't going to agree with you anyway. They are simply going to be defensive even if you are right.

 

I think you need to stop putting energy into this and move on. It's not worth your time. I know it's tempting to tell other people how they are wrong, big it makes you look bad. I think it also make you feel bad too.

 

You are so right. I woke up this morning and regretted it already. He won't give a crap and will probably just think I'm a bit unhinged and its all sour grapes. But if me fessing up here stops one other person doing the same...

 

I actually think heartbreak should be a recognized illness )-:

 

I'm going to have my hair dyed today. Then I'll go for the biggest therapy of all.....shopping...

 

I've been stupid for the last time. I do feel crap but it's that rollercoaster. Up one minute down the next

 

Problem is the family feel obliged to tell me what he's up to. I got a report this morning. I have to pretend I don't care hut of course I was hanging onto every word.

 

)-:

 

One good thing thougb I have lost a pound this week on my new health kick. Much better use of my energies than wasting my time waiting to get rejected again.

Roll on that great thing which is the passing of time....

Edited April 26, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[BC1980]

Don't beat yourself up over the letter. I sent a long email to my ex talking about how we could fix our problems. Do you know what response I got? "Thank you for these thoughts. Signed, Ex." That's a word for word response. Of course, I felt foolish later, but what's done it done. A lot of people have sent letters, so realize that you are human. You have done what many of us have done because you don't think rationally when your heart is broken.

 

One big reason that people advocate NC is to keep you from humiliating yourself. We are only human, so we do stupid things when we are in love. NC helps you to stop all of that.

[Summerrose2013]

I got a reply. He admits some of the things but no sign of regret at the break up. If I reply now he'll think we're moving back into the friends stage which is probably what he wants but that will never be enough for me now and I've 're read the NC guide and that is a definite no no for my own emotional recovery. He'd only had 2 girlfriends and then the wife before he met me and the wife got rid of most of his friends (only cos he allowed her to I hasten to add). He's sounding a bit sorry for himself but that could easily be all show.

 

I posted this on another thread but I've bought myself a pack of gold stars. For every day I maintain NC I get a gold star on my calendar!! Well it works for kids!

 

And I'm going to start a diary. That way if I feel like offloading it will only be to myself. He's had his last chance and not taken it.

 

I'm a bloody catch and there must be someone out there who will one day appreciate me!! Lol.

 

I've found a program to get text messages off my phone. I want to keep them just a bit longer. The loving ones to remind me he did care at one point. The awful ones to remind me what a cu next Tuesday he was to me. Then I cam finally delete his number from my phone.

[BC1980]

Don't respond at all. Just let this one go. Chalk it up to experience, and keep moving.

[Summerrose2013]

Don't respond at all. Just let this one go. Chalk it up to experience, and keep moving.

 

Definitely not replying this time. I'm off to bed now and on the way past my calendar I'll be sticking on my first gold star. It's daft but actually I've been really excited about doing this.

 

I've also downloaded a couple of relationship books from Amazon. A) to keep busy and b) to help me make better choices and become a more confident woman in the future. There's also a great book about texting and one about the NC rule. It's actually really opening my eyes and some of the things are SPOT ON for the mistakes I made in the last month of out relationship. Could ME knowing what I know now have saved us? Maybe. I don't know but I'll make darn sure I know these things for next time. Have also picked up men are from mars. A few real eye openers in there. I made some classic mistakes with my ex and I intend to get it right next time. Funny thing is I'll be using the money he sent me to pay for these books to help me keep my next good man. Feels like sweet justice lol.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[Summerrose2013]

Don't beat yourself up over the letter. I sent a long email to my ex talking about how we could fix our problems. Do you know what response I got? "Thank you for these thoughts. Signed, Ex." That's a word for word response. Of course, I felt foolish later, but what's done it done. A lot of people have sent letters, so realize that you are human. You have done what many of us have done because you don't think rationally when your heart is broken.

 

One big reason that people advocate NC is to keep you from humiliating yourself. We are only human, so we do stupid things when we are in love. NC helps you to stop all of that.

 

That reply must have well sucked. I'm sending you a massive hug x I got the same outcome if a bit more wordy.

[Elle1975]

I got a reply. He admits some of the things but no sign of regret at the break up. If I reply now he'll think we're moving back into the friends stage which is probably what he wants but that will never be enough for me now and I've 're read the NC guide and that is a definite no no for my own emotional recovery. He'd only had 2 girlfriends and then the wife before he met me and the wife got rid of most of his friends (only cos he allowed her to I hasten to add). He's sounding a bit sorry for himself but that could easily be all show.

 

I posted this on another thread but I've bought myself a pack of gold stars. For every day I maintain NC I get a gold star on my calendar!! Well it works for kids!

 

And I'm going to start a diary. That way if I feel like offloading it will only be to myself. He's had his last chance and not taken it.

 

I'm a bloody catch and there must be someone out there who will one day appreciate me!! Lol.

 

I've found a program to get text messages off my phone. I want to keep them just a bit longer. The loving ones to remind me he did care at one point. The awful ones to remind me what a cu next Tuesday he was to me. Then I cam finally delete his number from my phone.

 

I hate to suggest it, but do you think the child is just an excuse to bail?

 

It's good that you're a catch, go get them tiger lol