i'm an idiot, and saw my ex over the weekend.

[KaliLove]

It came on very quickly. I was moping around and really struggling yesterday. I still love the stupid jerk and I wish things hadn't worked out this way and I miss having my companion, but he's just such a jerk. Seriously.

 

I'm the same way. My ex is BPD/NPD and a total @sshole..I love and hate him at the same time. But I know things would never work out so I try to ignore the love part.

[CaliBabe]

WHY HAVE YOU NOT BLOCKED HIM YET?

 

Anything future hurt at this point is your own fault. You are allowing him to abuse you and come back and forth into your life. Block him. It is the only way to move on. Don't "think" about it. DO it. It is for your own good.

 

If he continues to contact you and/or you are upset he hasn't reached out... It is YOUR fault.

 

Block him now. Then your healing can actually begin.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but why you haven't blocked at this point is beyond me.

[whirl3daway]

WHY HAVE YOU NOT BLOCKED HIM YET?

 

Anything future hurt at this point is your own fault. You are allowing him to abuse you and come back and forth into your life. Block him. It is the only way to move on. Don't "think" about it. DO it. It is for your own good.

 

If he continues to contact you and/or you are upset he hasn't reached out... It is YOUR fault.

 

Block him now. Then your healing can actually begin.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but why you haven't blocked at this point is beyond me.

 

I blocked him on my phone, but didn't consider my email for some reason. Blocked now though.

[whirl3daway]

I will say, I'm starting to get to the point where I am realizing that he never really loved me at all. He told me he loved me a month after we started dating. He asked me to be his gf after 4 dates. He put me on a pedestal and then he devalued me and then discarded me like I meant nothing.

 

I have learned a lot from this situation, but I really dislike him for what he did to me. He has some very serious issues that need help.

[whirl3daway]

yesterday was day 1 of no contact. I spent the night with my best friend again. it was really nice. today I woke up and I'm feeling crappy again; mornings are the hardest for me. the pit in my stomach has been smaller the last 2 days but it's still there.

 

I just keep reminding myself that he didn't really love me, not the way I thought he did.

 

He wants someone to make him the center of their world, give him all their attention, deal with the fact that he is jealous, stubborn, holds grudges, has ridiculous standards but is okay with the fact that he is 30, aimless and ambition-less, doesn't have health insurance, doesn't work full time, doesn't have any friends. he's pretentious, thinks he's better than everyone else.

 

he is quite handsome and intelligent, and can be very charming and funny if he wants. he can be very thoughtful and sweet, but it's not because he wants the person to be happy. he wants them to think of him as wonderful.

 

whatever. i don't know. my best friend says she thinks i'm doing better everyday and maybe that's true. i haven't called off work or ignored anyone or spent entire days in bed or anything.

 

i just feel totally beaten down inside, unworthy of love and like i will never find anyone else that clicked with me in some important ways like he did. i feel like i am too ugly and undesirable to find someone that i'm mostly attracted to, that will treat me well. i don't know. i just feel empty today.

[whirl3daway]

a big f#ck you to my ex today. I hate him. I just can't believe how well he fooled me - I thought he was totally different and instead he's just a shallow, emotionally broken fool. I deserved a lot better than the bullsh it he gave me.

[learning_slowly]

Don't dwell on hate. You can be better than that. Look at what's good in your life: you have a friend who's taking time opt to help you. Cherish that.

[Zahara]

a big f#ck you to my ex today. I hate him. I just can't believe how well he fooled me - I thought he was totally different and instead he's just a shallow, emotionally broken fool. I deserved a lot better than the bullsh it he gave me.

 

Good, you're angry. You'll hate him today, miss him tomorrow but it's all normal as you cycle through the emotions.

 

No one's different. There's a saying, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Remember that. You knew who he was because he told you he was a POS to others and during the relationship he treated you badly. Lessons to learn from this.

[whirl3daway]

Good, you're angry. You'll hate him today, miss him tomorrow but it's all normal as you cycle through the emotions.

 

No one's different. There's a saying, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Remember that. You knew who he was because he told you he was a POS to others and during the relationship he treated you badly. Lessons to learn from this.

 

I've heard that quote before, but I've never experienced it in such a visceral way. Especially now that it is over, I can see a lot of things that he said that he was, but didn't follow through with action. This experience is a huge learning tool for me - I don't regret meeting him because he's taught me quite a lot about myself through this.

 

You have been quite a help to me, Zahara, even though I'm probably frustrating to you. I think a lot of this was I needed validation that the things I went through weren't normal, and that I wasn't just completely insane and horrible like he made me feel. I definitely have my issues to own in the relationship, but I didn't deserve a lot of the ways I was treated, and I see that I allowed him to treat me like this because I have low self-esteem and self-worth. I have always been desperate to have love in my life (and have been in 3 steady serious relationships since I was 15 because of it). I'm only 26, so I do have some time to figure all this out for myself so that I can be a worthy partner for someone, instead of someone trying to find love instead of loving myself.

Edited April 25, 2014 by whirl3daway

[whirl3daway]

Don't dwell on hate. You can be better than that. Look at what's good in your life: you have a friend who's taking time opt to help you. Cherish that.

 

I do hate him for what he did to me, and for fooling me into thinking that he was someone that he's not. I hate him for blaming me for everything, and making me feel like I'm not good enough. I hate him for wanting to date someone else seriously 2 days after we broke up. I think that's okay for me to feel.

 

On the other hand, I do feel incredibly lucky. I have plenty of people in my life that care for me, that want to spend time with me, and want to see me happy. Most of my friends are very glad I'm out of the relationship. My best friend is like my sister, and has been instrumental to me throughout this. I work a lot, have my own place and my own car, can do whatever I want, have a mom that loves me. I'm intelligent, and I'm fairly attractive. I've never had a problem meeting people. I think I'm a good person. I deserve someone that truly respects me and loves me for who I am.

[Zahara]

It's often hard to walk away when you see a red flag or red flags infront of you. Whether it comes from being emotionally invested to having poor self-worth, when it happens, it's often difficult to detach. We tolerate, we pretend, we hope, we wish for things to change, maybe it's not so bad, maybe we're asking for too much, maybe he won't be this way with me, maybe if I love him with my special love he'll be what I want him to be, etc. You're not alone in this because most of us have done it, and not just once but for some of us a few times over.

 

You're not frustrating me at all. I've experienced toxic relationships and it's hard to recover. It's harder to heal, move on and come to terms when detaching from a toxic relationship. You get conditioned into believing it's all your fault. You get conditioned as it's breaking down your self-esteem. You get conditioned into devaluing yourself. It sucks the life out of you. You get conditioned into becoming an extension of him. Then when you exit the relationship, you exit an empty shell.

 

You're doing good hun. You're self-aware, finding introspection and realizing that you had a stake in this too and taking responsibility for where you've gotten yourself.

 

The best thing for you to do is to start a relationship with yourself. No men and no relationships with them. Sit in your lonelines. Adapt to being alone. Get used to doing things on your own. Enjoy your own company. Get comfortable with living life on your own. You have to gain emotional and mental independence. Independence opens the door to self-love. Do that for yourself.

[whirl3daway]

Do you have any suggestions for starting to be okay with being alone? I do struggle with that, which is strange because I'm an only child and should be fine being alone.

[Zahara]

Do you have any suggestions for starting to be okay with being alone? I do struggle with that, which is strange because I'm an only child and should be fine being alone.

 

It's hard to learn how to be alone when you've always depended on a relationship or a man to define who you are. Ties in with the lack of self-worth and the negative way that you have viewed yourself. You look to others to validate you. That is why you cannot be happy and content in your own skin. You don't belong to you, if you don't belong to a man.

 

In the beginning it's going to be very uncomfortable to sit in your loneliness because you are withdrawing from your drug and the only thing you know. In time lonely will translate to being alone. Two different things. You may have a little bout here and there about how nice it would be to have a partner once in awhile but as you progress your life will be filled with other people and things that it won't be debilitating to you. That type of alone will allow you to feel independence. The way to go about doing that is that you have to fill the voids in your life with everything and anything that nurtures YOU.

 

One of the things that I had to do in order to get comfortable with myself was doing things on my own.The first thing my therapist recommended was that I take myself out on a date. I made a reservation and I sat at the table on my own. No book, no phone, just me. It was so uncomfortable. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I hated seeing the couples around me and cried at the table. Now, I love going to the movies by myself and I love going to a restaurant on a Saturday night, sitting at the bar having a glass of wine and eating my food by myself. You don't have to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend to date you or provide you with company. You are your company.

 

I traveled alone last year. I was deathly afraid when I was landing at my destination. The first day was uncomfortable. I remember sitting in my hotel room all dressed and ready to go but fretting about stepping out of my room. Well, I spent the next 4 days sitting on the beach on my own, reading my book, people watching and touring the city. You have to push yourself to do it. No depending on anyone but you.

 

Find a hobby or do something you have always been passionate about. Dive into it and stay there! When you accomplish, you feel great about yourself. I remember skydiving after my breakup and I remember saying to myself, "Shoot if I can do that I can do anything!" After that I took some flying lessons and it pushed me to get involved in other activities. All the things that fell to the wayside because I was too consumed in relationships, suddenly I was taping into my talents. I'm working on an online business now. If I was still with that toxic man, I'd never have ventured into this. Feed your passions. Your passions speak of who you are and you need to tap into it, OP.

 

Go find a meetup group that offers activities that you are interested in. You will meet healthy and like minded people, you'll make friends, you'll cultivate your life with people and things that fulfill you. Surround yourself with postive people because they will lift you up.

 

If you can't heal your mind and heart right now, start healing yourself physically. Go out and exercise. Breathe in the fresh air. Get your blood flowing. Start working out. When you start to see physical changes, you'll start to mentally feel motivated.

 

Go to the library and check out the self-help section. I'm reading How To Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and I read The Courage To Be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele everyday. Pick some books that speak to you. Start reading. Fill your brain with motivational and uplifting passages. Start reading self-help books on how to recreate your life.

 

Learning to be alone is your pathway to having a relationship with yourself. When you start loving yourself, a man is just a bonus in already fulfilling life. He doesn't complete it, he just adds to it.

Edited April 25, 2014 by Zahara

[CaliBabe]

^^^^^^^^^

 

Zahara,

 

That was such a beautiful thing to read.

[learning_slowly]

Just as long as this episode doesn't put you off all men.

Yes it's cool to be able to enjoy your own company. I have to make an effort to be bothered to meet people sometimes. But there is also plenty of fun in companionship e.g. sharing memories.

 

Not to mention physical enjoyment if your partner knows what he's doing or you teach him.

 

Just don't end up being one of the older people that have persuaded themselves it's best to be single because they haven't got the will to try again. My grandparents were with each other till death and had plenty of arguments, but loved each other till the end.

[Zahara]

^^^^^^^^^

 

Zahara,

 

That was such a beautiful thing to read.

 

Thank you Calibabe! It's self-therapeutic to write it all down and read it back to myself because it helps to reinforce it in my own mind as well.

[Zahara]

Just don't end up being one of the older people that have persuaded themselves it's best to be single because they haven't got the will to try again. My grandparents were with each other till death and had plenty of arguments, but loved each other till the end.

 

I don't think anyone is proposing that she turn herself away from men all together but encouraging the OP to first love herself and be comfortable in finding her emotional independence. That will allow herself to open up to better opportunities armed with a good sense of self and boundaries when she decides to go into the dating world again.

[whirl3daway]

Just as long as this episode doesn't put you off all men.

Yes it's cool to be able to enjoy your own company. I have to make an effort to be bothered to meet people sometimes. But there is also plenty of fun in companionship e.g. sharing memories.

 

Not to mention physical enjoyment if your partner knows what he's doing or you teach him.

 

Just don't end up being one of the older people that have persuaded themselves it's best to be single because they haven't got the will to try again. My grandparents were with each other till death and had plenty of arguments, but loved each other till the end.

 

I basically haven't been truly single or alone in 10 years. I'm not worried about ending up alone, frankly. I'm not ruined for dating - I don't think all men are terrible, and I certainly want a marriage and children someday. I do need a break, though. I need to learn how to be alone. I need to be healthy, so that I can find a man who is also healthy. I also need to learn to cope with that feeling of loneliness.

[AndrewJDC]

You're an attractive girl and seem to have your head screwed on.

 

Take some time for yourself, see friends, chill out and don't pressure yourself into finding another guy.

 

Take time to think about what you want. Your ex sound very narcissistic and that can be hard to deal with. Chin up, you deserve better than someone so keen to point out your flaws.

 

Enjoy the book...