Zahara Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 i see this now. at the time, i thought that he wanted to see me because he missed me and was sad. that may have been part of it too, but he just wanted some companionship and some sex. he didn't want me and still doesn't want me. you are right. So are you going to NC? Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Read this book: "God on a Harley". Someone here recommended it to me a few years ago. I still have it. I read it when I need to refocus. It's a short book but the lessons in it will lead you to a happier you. Read the book! It turned my life around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 So are you going to NC? yeah. i have to. he broke my heart and it keeps breaking the more i have contact with him. it is so incredibly hard for me to come to terms with this. it's hard for me to see him as anything other than the man he portrayed himself as - kind, big-hearted, generous, thoughtful, loving and loyal. he can be all of these things but he's also manipulative, cruel, selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical and full of himself. he was never in it for the both of us, only for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 GOD it hurts so freaking bad. i hope anyone reading this learns from my mistake. don't let yourself fall into this trap. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 yeah. i have to. he broke my heart and it keeps breaking the more i have contact with him. it is so incredibly hard for me to come to terms with this. it's hard for me to see him as anything other than the man he portrayed himself as - kind, big-hearted, generous, thoughtful, loving and loyal. he can be all of these things but he's also manipulative, cruel, selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical and full of himself. he was never in it for the both of us, only for himself. It's incredibly hard to NC with someone you still have emotions and feelings for so it is natural to feel the way you feel. It would do you good to journal and write down the - manipulative, cruel, selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical and full of himself. Sometimes we get carried away with idealizing and romanticizing that we get stuck and hold on a little longer to an image rather than reality. In that sense, it would help you pull yourself back when you start to fantasize about him. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 i do feel like i became a volunteer for this, this weekend. i ran back to him instead of being strong. i let him trample me. now he is doing his best to be the "inspiration" for me to start feeling better. sending me quotes and all that. buying me books. it makes him feel good to help me. i don't get it. YUCK! What an arrogant ***** this guy is!!! It makes him feel good to 'help' you because he thinks he's better than you (he's NOT). He's not helping you, he's jerking himself off. He's putting you down to lift himself up and taking pleasure from your pain. Please tell me you're seeing a psychologist... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 YUCK! What an arrogant ***** this guy is!!! It makes him feel good to 'help' you because he thinks he's better than you (he's NOT). He's not helping you, he's jerking himself off. He's putting you down to lift himself up and taking pleasure from your pain. Please tell me you're seeing a psychologist... i think this is true. he is all about "helping" people like this because it makes him feel good. i asked him once why he did so much for me, if he didn't love me, after he told me that he didn't love me during a fight. he told me that he did it because he wanted to be a good boyfriend. my ex is lost in his life. he doesn't know what he wants to do with his career, works part time as a tutor, and has no real friends. he did not hang out with anyone the entire time we were together (almost 10 months). i was seeing a therapist for awhile but i couldn't afford it after my insurance changed this year. i will probably need to look into what options i have. i feel like a shell of a person right now. Link to post Share on other sites
miffymars Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hi whirl I'm sorry you are going through this but know you are not alone I completely identify with your problem right now. I've been with a guy who sounds just like how he sounds and I allowed him to come in and out of my life. The first time he broke up with me during text and told me it was because of his job. A month pass of NC i'm starting to heal and he texts me saying he wants to talk. I was back to square 1 and I did exactly what you did and agreed to see him talk and then slept over. He reeled me back in. We start acting like a couple again things seem to be good he seems like the very caring loving loyal guy I completely fell in love with but that ended and I find out he starts to lie about things he made a POF profile blaming his brother did it and then I found pictures of him and a girl taken after his text msg break up. He lied saying it was his cousin and never provided any evidence. I ended things with him this weekend. So I'm here in the same boat as you. I understand how you feel. I'm trying to understand right now because I only see him for the good. Like you being with him broke my already low-self esteem and he used that to gain control of me. Please go NC his offers of help is just insulting and you're so much better than that. I know its hard to come to terms with it. I'm struggling REALLY bad to as well. Please know you're not alone in this but I hope we can both heal from the hurt and pain. I'm here for support! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I had it done to me, except my ex was female. After, I asked why she wanted to have sex with me if she knew she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said that she was weak and still did love me then. I wonder if everybody makes up explanations in their own minds that àllow them to have one more blast of pleasure of the body. I just hope I have the strength to not do that to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hi whirl I'm sorry you are going through this but know you are not alone I completely identify with your problem right now. I've been with a guy who sounds just like how he sounds and I allowed him to come in and out of my life. The first time he broke up with me during text and told me it was because of his job. A month pass of NC i'm starting to heal and he texts me saying he wants to talk. I was back to square 1 and I did exactly what you did and agreed to see him talk and then slept over. He reeled me back in. We start acting like a couple again things seem to be good he seems like the very caring loving loyal guy I completely fell in love with but that ended and I find out he starts to lie about things he made a POF profile blaming his brother did it and then I found pictures of him and a girl taken after his text msg break up. He lied saying it was his cousin and never provided any evidence. I ended things with him this weekend. So I'm here in the same boat as you. I understand how you feel. I'm trying to understand right now because I only see him for the good. Like you being with him broke my already low-self esteem and he used that to gain control of me. Please go NC his offers of help is just insulting and you're so much better than that. I know its hard to come to terms with it. I'm struggling REALLY bad to as well. Please know you're not alone in this but I hope we can both heal from the hurt and pain. I'm here for support! how long were you together, miffy? I'm sorry you are hurting also. I am having trouble seeing him in a negative light as well, although I know that he has several negatives about him. I would like to focus only on the negatives but I seem to focus on all the ways that we fit. before all this crap went down on sunday, we had such a wonderful day together. we laughed and held HANDS and SNUGGLED and he HELD ME and told me how happy he was. i can't believe he would turn around and do this to me the morning after all that, and then still act like he is a great guy. wtf. at 4pm he left to go to his pt job. he works 4-8 tonight (didn't work the rest of the day). i am left here wondering about if he's seeing the 23 year old now. this is awful. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Have you blocked him so he cannot contact you again? Link to post Share on other sites
miffymars Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I was with him for 3 years... I know how confused you must be and I too am left wondering if he went back to that girl in photos since he's not even trying to contact me at all. But we know these thoughts although natural and understandable we can't let them get to us. I know its been said so many times before but I need to hear it again... We spend so much time thinking and wondering about him what he's doing how is he not hurting, how can he not try to save this relationship?! etc.. but do you think that he's doing the same? Most likely not and even if it were true in the least bit it really doesn't matter at this point if he wanted to really be with you nothing could stop him from trying. And right now that's not happening..at least in my experience. We shouldn't lend anymore time into it when we need to focus on ourselves and healing. I know its so hard but constant reminders are what's sort of helping me right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Have you blocked him so he cannot contact you again? I didn't think about it til I read this, but my friends are telling me I should. I think I am going to. My best friend (that I work with) is going to take me home with her tonight and we are going to burn the book he gave me (she likes in the country), while drinking wine. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I didn't think about it til I read this, but my friends are telling me I should. I think I am going to. My best friend (that I work with) is going to take me home with her tonight and we are going to burn the book he gave me (she likes in the country), while drinking wine. Don't think to block him. Just block. And I would stay away from the alcohol for a bit because it can get you more entangled in your emotions and you may react. And alcohol is a depressant, depending on your consumption. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I agree with Zahara on the alcohol. I used to start repeating everything over in my brain when on alcohol. It's proven that emotions overtake logic when on alcohol, that's why it's used so much to meet people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 well, I feel awful today, although not quite as horrendously heartbroken and desperate as yesterday. I haven't heard from the ex. I spent the night with my best friend. I have plans to go to a baseball game tonight although I really just want to curl up into a ball and die. I'm reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I feel empty and worthless and pathetic. I think I might be in shock. And he doesn't care at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 I'm sort of using this thread to journal briefly. I feel really, really sad today. I miss him so freakin' much. I miss us laughing together, making fun of things together, holding hands and snuggling. I had those things yesterday. I had them this weekend. I can't have them again or it'll destroy me. It's like I have a giant hole in my heart, and it is empty. so empty. I feel exhausted and have no appetite. all I want is to text him or call him or see him. I haven't contacted him. He hasn't contacted me. i feel sick inside that this is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 a friend of mine offered me a quarter of an anxiety pill. I took it and it has helped a decent amount. the overwhelming feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach has lessened a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 We all have our tough days. I am having one today too. I'm forcing myself to go out, forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to carry on. But it will get better. Go to the game and enjoy it without him there. Look at other guys, not because you want to, but because you can. Enjoy the game, watch it and discuss it as it happens. There will be plenty of time to cry later, if you need too. Good luck. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) well, after the game last night my ex emailed me and told me I had a jump rope of his at my place. I want nothing of his in my home, so I dropped it off at his place (he lives about 1 minute away from me). I ended up telling him exactly how I felt. I told him that I haven't actually been in love with HIM for quite a long time, but liked the comfort of having someone there. I told him that he should think about why he's interested in dating a 23 year old who is barely out of college and works as a NANNY and a PT tutor, at 30 (he responded that he's stuck at 23 emotionally to which I agreed). I told him that she's probably into going out drinking and hanging out with her friends like any one of that age, and that he should think about that since he can't have one drink without getting a migrane. He said he had thought about that too. He was very sheepish towards the entire conversation. I told him that I was never attracted to him in a real way either, and that chemistry was something that was lacking in our relationship. I told him that I had never placed him in greater importance in my life than my ex, and that's why I never "chose" him over my ex in any of the fights we had about it. I told him that I didn't love him nearly as much as I had loved B, and that I was exhausted by his nitpicky personality. I told him that I thought he has very little emotional depth because of how easily he is able to get over me and try to start something serious again, with someone who is obviously not going to work. He agreed with me. I told him that I loved spending time with him since we get along really well, but that dating is something we probably should have never done. I also told him that he should think about why he gets into relationships with people that he doesn't find attractive, since that is so important to him. We both came to the conclusion that although we were good on paper, we weren't good in practice. We both brought out the worst in each other. I told him that he should have been honest with me about what he wanted this weekend, and he said he agreed that he should have. I was different during this conversation. I was back to who I really am - I am confident and happy to be me and I feel like people should be thankful to have me in their lives. He noticed, and he said "where has this person been?" and I was like "you didn't want this person! You wanted someone that you could beat down into being what you wanted." i just can't believe him. he turned out to be SO different from the person he portrays himself as. he likes to think of himself as this intellectual, well-educated handsome catch of a guy who respects women and is deep and dark. hah. if only that were the case. more like overgrown man-child that is completely self absorbed and arrogant and has the emotional depth of a puddle on a hot summer day. he can kiss my brown 4$$. Edited April 23, 2014 by whirl3daway Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 It's cool you got your anger out, but really he made a mistake. I'm sure he never planned it. You also said some hurtful things that if he felt anything for you, he will feel. Now it's time to forgive him for what he has done, but more importantly forgive yourself. We often think we are idiots etc, but it is not usually the case. We sometimes get tied up in life and miss things. So forgive, don't hate and you will find it far easier to move on. I hope you find your happiness again sooner rather than later Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Hello anger phase! Good for you..now please stop speaking to him for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 I hope he does feel them, but I doubt it. He has made it very clear that he is not interested in me at all anymore and never truly was interested in me for anything other than the things we had in common. It stings to know that. I'm getting angry with him too. I can't believe he played me the way he played me and made me feel like crap while grooming another GIRL for his asinine ways. he sucks women in like this. he's handsome and thoughtful and always smiling. he puts them on a pedestal and gets involved in relationships quickly. and then he just freaks the hell out and exits the relationship. I HATE HIM. I do. he is nothing like what I thought he was. he is nothing like what he thinks he is. he is shallow, arrogant, self-absorbed and totally lost in his life. when I asked him why he did nothing but play video games for the past 3 months, he said he was waiting for me to say something to him about it. wtf? why would I need to say something to him to get him to stop? he's an adult. goddamn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whirl3daway Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Hello anger phase! Good for you..now please stop speaking to him for good. It came on very quickly. I was moping around and really struggling yesterday. I still love the stupid jerk and I wish things hadn't worked out this way and I miss having my companion, but he's just such a jerk. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I don't know about women but I know a lot of us guys go through life like kids until something hits the fan. This wakes us up and makes us realise what is important and then we begin to grow up. So breakups are good for something. Life may wake him up one day, but now you need to try and grow as well. Forgive and forget, for yourself. Honestly, it will help you in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
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