The old just roommates thing

[LetItBeLetItBe]

He said there was no relationship there, they don't get along, hasn't touched in years, he sleeps in the basement etc. I never bought it though as I was not born yesterday

[FoolishOW]

I am not 100% certain, but this is my best guess: there must be a minimum of ten characters of text in order for a post to successfully be submitted. If someone goes back and wants to delete/edit their previous post, the only way to delete everything is to replace it with at least ten characters of text.

 

Does that make sense? (Again, I may be totally off-base here...)

 

 

Oh Good grief... That's IT? I was SOOO looking forward to something a whole lot more exciting and entertaining than THAT. What a let down !

Thank you, Waverly!

[Popsicle]

How many of you ow were told by your mm that his life with w was just as roommates/co parents? Did you believe him when he said they weren't having sex? I did for a while cause I'd been in a sexless marriage, but it seems pretty uncommon. I'll never know now. If the mm's wife ever contacted me I would ask her.

 

I'd wager 99% of them say this. Is it a lie? I seriously doubt it. Should you as an OW feel so sorry for him that you have sex with him? No. It's his problem to deal with.

 

It sure seems that I am the only one on this entire site whose exMM did not break NC. And, neither of us formally initiated it. I don't get it..I think it's 12 weeks now!

 

Mine didn't break for 5 months. I was the one who broke NC. I'm pretty convinced that my xMM would never break NC, so no, you're not alone and yes, it sucks real bad.

Edited April 19, 2014 by Popsicle

[QuakerOats]

I'd wager 99% of them say this. Is it a lie? I seriously doubt it. Should you as an OW feel so sorry for him that you have sex with him? No. It's his problem to deal with.

 

 

 

Mine didn't break for 5 months. I was the one who broke NC. I'm pretty convinced that my xMM would never break NC, so no, you're not alone and yes, it sucks real bad.

 

I didn't have sex with him because I felt sorry for him, I did cause I was in love with him.

[QuakerOats]

No, he and I were not just roommates. It's what he told his OW though. We did have sex, not as often as we used to but that's to be expected considering we worked opposite shifts. He started working nights and met her at around the same time so it's hard to say whether or not the number of times we were intimate decreased because he was getting it elsewhere or because he was never here when I was awake during the week.

 

One thing she said to me that bugs me is this... when I told her (OW) that our relationship was not sexless like she believed... she said she had proof that he and I never had sex. I never did figure out what she meant by that. When I asked her, she told me it was none of my business but that she knew without a doubt that he and I were not having sex. I almost wish I knew but yet I don't really want to know the level of deceit that they both went to to keep their affair secret from their significant others.

 

I still find it quite bizarre that she felt the need to know all about MY sex life but HER sex life with MY man was none of my business. It's a bit hypocritical. She thinks she knows everything there is to know about me but she doesn't know a damn thing... only what he told her and that wasn't the truth.

 

That is crazy!! She has proof but won't share it. Have you asked your husband what the heck she might mean?

[Waverly]

It sure seems that I am the only one on this entire site whose exMM did not break NC. And, neither of us formally initiated it. I don't get it..I think it's 12 weeks now!

 

Mickey, I've been trying to accept the last few days that I'll never hear from mine again. He sees things in very black and white terms sometimes. Now that he's finally gotten the strength to go NC, I really don't think he'll break it. He wants to fix things in his life. I can't be part of that.

[wanting more]

During my 3-1/2 yr A I never asked him if they were having sex, he never said they were/weren't. I was still having sex at home so I assumed he was also.

 

He used to question me in a round about way about me having sex, but I never answered.

[GreySkyMorning]

Mickey, I've been trying to accept the last few days that I'll never hear from mine again. He sees things in very black and white terms sometimes. Now that he's finally gotten the strength to go NC, I really don't think he'll break it. He wants to fix things in his life. I can't be part of that.

 

Add me to the list. His dday was a year ago in March and since then, we've been in LC, trying to be "friends". A month ago, I finally got the strength to tell him that if he ever really wants ALL of me, then let me know, but otherwise leave me alone and let me heal. Being friends with him on the terms we'd devolved to was destroying me. Every conversation just reminded me of the past. Everything I looked at around me only reminded me. The NC came so fast. Just a few texts discussing it and then, he said goodbye and was gone.

 

I know him well enough to know that he'll never contact me again. Like your xMM, he sees things in black and white terms. It's over for him and has been for a very long time. He shut down his heart to me on dday and he'll never open up again.

 

A very close friend of his passed away this week and I did reach out in email to tell him I was sorry for his loss and to ask if he was ok. There were a couple of 4-5 word emails exchanged and that was it.

 

He really was my best friend at one time and it hurts very much to know that he's now out of my life forever. But, I won't reach out again and I know he won't either.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I've been trying to accept the last few days that I'll never hear from mine again. He sees things in very black and white terms sometimes. Now that he's finally gotten the strength to go NC, I really don't think he'll break it. He wants to fix things in his life. I can't be part of that.

 

I know, me too. He's fixing his marriage as well and whether or not it is working, he has made his choice.

[notserene]

QuakerOats, he told me the 'roommate' thing while we were JUST friends so I do believe it was true.

 

 

Have you thought about why he was sharing this detail of his personal life with you when you were "just friends"?

[Appreciate]

I think my XW believed her MM when he told that he and his wife were 'living like roommates'. How can an otherwise intelligent woman be this gullible, can someone tell me?

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I've been trying to accept the last few days that I'll never hear from mine again. He sees things in very black and white terms sometimes. Now that he's finally gotten the strength to go NC, I really don't think he'll break it. He wants to fix things in his life. I can't be part of that.

 

Add me to the list. His dday was a year ago in March and since then, we've been in LC, trying to be "friends". A month ago, I finally got the strength to tell him that if he ever really wants ALL of me, then let me know, but otherwise leave me alone and let me heal. Being friends with him on the terms we'd devolved to was destroying me. Every conversation just reminded me of the past. Everything I looked at around me only reminded me. The NC came so fast. Just a few texts discussing it and then, he said goodbye and was gone.

 

I know him well enough to know that he'll never contact me again. Like your xMM, he sees things in black and white terms. It's over for him and has been for a very long time. He shut down his heart to me on dday and he'll never open up again.

 

A very close friend of his passed away this week and I did reach out in email to tell him I was sorry for his loss and to ask if he was ok. There were a couple of 4-5 word emails exchanged and that was it.

 

He really was my best friend at one time and it hurts very much to know that he's now out of my life forever. But, I won't reach out again and I know he won't either.

 

 

Grey Sky---it sounds like you have have confirmed with SOOOO many others have said...LC does not work. To heal, NC is the only way. Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts.

[Raena]

That is crazy!! She has proof but won't share it. Have you asked your husband what the heck she might mean?

 

Nah, I didn't bother asking him because in the end, it didn't matter. All I really needed to know was that he cheated. That was the end for me. I wonder about it now, but it's more of a mild curiosity thing than anything else.

 

What it does do is speak to me about the nature of their affair. For her to feel like she had to go to some length to try and figure out whether or not he was still sleeping with me means that she didn't fully trust what he had to say. It also tells me that she was fully aware of the fact that he and I were still together. That makes it harder for me to believe that she actually believed his lies about the idea of he and I just being roommates. I have a feeling she used it to justify why she carried on with him but somewhere in her head, she KNOWS he lied to her. That guilt will eventually eat her up if she has any kind of conscience.

[P1nginLOVE]

I didn't have sex with him because I felt sorry for him, I did cause I was in love with him.

 

My first time being an OW, was because I was so naive...I felt sorry for him. And I was ANGRY when I discovered they started sleeping together.

Then finally made love to him, then...eventually fell in love with this guy who then made me pregnant months after....and left me crushed with our two months old baby after I told his W about us. I told her cos he was cheating on me, the one who stood by him enduring the dilemma of painful A for like 1,5years. He left me with my baby, until now 3 years later.

My 2nd time being an OW, I am more cautious....never meant to fall in love, but I did.

He never mentioned about his marriage...I fell for his image as a humorous humble successful man, great dancer and singer. Went through many thoughtful months before I ended up saying yes to be wih him and having sex with him.

I don't care if he still sleeps with his W. A couple of times I even encouraged him to show more physical n emotional affection to her.

[Raena]

I think my XW believed her MM when he told that he and his wife were 'living like roommates'. How can an otherwise intelligent woman be this gullible, can someone tell me?

 

I can't speak for your XW but I can say that people believe what they want to believe when it comes to love. Yes, we are often gullible in love... it has nothing to do with intelligence even if it does seem pretty stupid to believe these kind of lies.

[Raena]

My first time being an OW, was because I was so naive...I felt sorry for him. And I was ANGRY when I discovered they started sleeping together.

Then finally made love to him, then...eventually fell in love with this guy who then made me pregnant months after....and left me crushed with our two months old baby after I told his W about us. I told her cos he was cheating on me, the one who stood by him enduring the dilemma of painful A for like 1,5years. He left me with my baby, until now 3 years later.

My 2nd time being an OW, I am more cautious....never meant to fall in love, but I did.

He never mentioned about his marriage...I fell for his image as a humorous humble successful man, great dancer and singer. Went through many thoughtful months before I ended up saying yes to be wih him and having sex with him.

I don't care if he still sleeps with his W. A couple of times I even encouraged him to show more physical n emotional affection to her.

 

If the thoughts in your head about all of this are as jumbled as this post is I can see why you aren't seeing clearly what you are doing to yourself or your child.

 

You'd do yourself a world of good to step back and see the big picture of what you are currently doing and what you have done in the past.

 

If you haven't already realized it then I'm going to point out the obvious to you... knowingly sleeping with a married man is wrong. Having his child and then trying to split up his marriage because of it is wrong. Accusing him of cheating on you is ludicrous... he's cheating on his wife WITH you, not ON you. Even if he's sleeping with yet another OW then he still isn't cheating on you. Not learning from this situation and letting it happen again 3 years later is wrong. You should have learned from the first situation that it's not ok to behave in this manner. Sleeping with yet another married man and encouraging him to sleep with his wife is just wrong on so many levels I can't even fathom it.

 

Please take a step back and really look at what you are doing, how you got here and what you really want out of a future relationship.

[P1nginLOVE]

So, even with a d-day and her knowing about you, he has continued the affair?

 

Yup, I broke up with him for his W in September (that's the 2nd time I left him). We had NC for 3 days only, then I phoned him, tellig him to stop our business project, where he had paid fully, but the project was still far from done. I didn't want to see him again because I wanted to do what was right, though that decision made me cry for weeks. He didn't want me to return his money, he wanted me to complete the project.

I had to see him once a week because of that. We remained professionals for almost 2 months long. We had business lunches during those months, where he always tried to resume the A, he stopped wearing his wedding ring. Asked me not to leave him. Teased me. I gave him cold shoulders....pretended I didn't care...i didnot even ask why he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. But my defense only lasted for 2 months. One night, I just gave up. It was really hard denying my feelings.

And...I had wonderful moments with him...but the more he opened up and consulted about his business...or about his anxiety at work...(never about marriage)or when he started reporting some details of what he's doing..the more it freaked me out.

He didn't wear his wedding ring bugged me, but I was too scared to ask.

I am sure he won't leave his W, but I could sense that he was abandoning her at home. So...I stopped the A again in January (the 3rd time). In my email, I told him I loved him but I wanted them to reconcile.

Not long after, again, his W emailed me. In a more polite way. Thanking me for leaving him, but reminding me to stay away. She also asked me how many times we had sex and when was our first time. I gave her my honest answer.

I was able to stay NC for 5-8 weeks.

Now....in the last 4 weeks, we're in LC. A month ago, i fwd his W emails and my replies to her. he said he was disappointed I shared our intimacy with his W. I told him because I thought if I had shared that, then it would be final, he'd be very angry that he'd hate me and would refuse if I wanted to see him me. He didn't. He was only disappointed. He even initiated to meet for dinners.

Now...we're friends. No sex...just dinners or movies. He wants to resume A. I still let him kiss me, and I kiss back. I know that's weird.

But i try to keep our friendship in its safe limits.

Arggh! Only God knows how the sad ending will be!

Guess when he's tired of my phlegmatic character!

[notserene]

Not long after, again, his W emailed me. In a more polite way. Thanking me for leaving him, but reminding me to stay away. She also asked me how many times we had sex and when was our first time. I gave her my honest answer.

I was able to stay NC for 5-8 weeks.

Now....in the last 4 weeks, we're in LC. A month ago, i fwd his W emails and my replies to her. he said he was disappointed I shared our intimacy with his W. I told him because I thought if I had shared that, then it would be final, he'd be very angry that he'd hate me and would refuse if I wanted to see him me. He didn't. He was only disappointed. He even initiated to meet for dinners.

Now...we're friends. No sex...just dinners or movies. He wants to resume A. I still let him kiss me, and I kiss back. I know that's weird.

But i try to keep our friendship in its safe limits.

Arggh! Only God knows how the sad ending will be!

Guess when he's tired of my phlegmatic character!

 

Where do these people come from?

 

Poor wife

[Mickey1982]

Have you thought about why he was sharing this detail of his personal life with you when you were "just friends"?

 

We were best friends who confided in each other about many aspects of our life. We shared a lot and it did not feel wrong or inappropriate at the time- we had not become involved even in an EA when this was told to me. It was merely two good friends reaching out to each other for help. Nothing more nothing less. There was no anterior motive on his part since it was close to a year later until the actual affair started.

[Speakingofwhich]

PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE... tell me what this means... "ten characters". I've seen this response on a few occasions and I am completely mystified by it. I can't even venture a guess, so I WILL NOT sleep tonight unless someone clues me in.

 

Haven't read the thread so maybe someone's already told you, FOW! Here's why I posted it. I wrote a thread and submitted it but had second thoughts about what I'd posted so went back to remove it. You can't submit a blank post, it must have at least ten characters. So, writing the words "ten characters" = blank post. You could also post ten smiley icons, or write any ten characters. Does that make sense to you?

 

PS Seeing as how I didn't post this last night, I hope you were able to sleep!

[Speakingofwhich]

Oh Good grief... That's IT? I was SOOO looking forward to something a whole lot more exciting and entertaining than THAT. What a let down !

Thank you, Waverly!

 

Sorry to disappoint you, FOW. Guess we could ascribe a secret meaning to it?

[goodyblue]

Well, my guy told me they were just 'roommates'. But, I guess my case is a little different.

 

xx

[P1nginLOVE]

If the thoughts in your head about all of this are as jumbled as this post is I can see why you aren't seeing clearly what you are doing to yourself or your child.

 

You'd do yourself a world of good to step back and see the big picture of what you are currently doing and what you have done in the past.

 

If you haven't already realized it then I'm going to point out the obvious to you... knowingly sleeping with a married man is wrong. Having his child and then trying to split up his marriage because of it is wrong. Accusing him of cheating on you is ludicrous... he's cheating on his wife WITH you, not ON you. Even if he's sleeping with yet another OW then he still isn't cheating on you. Not learning from this situation and letting it happen again 3 years later is wrong. You should have learned from the first situation that it's not ok to behave in this manner. Sleeping with yet another married man and encouraging him to sleep with his wife is just wrong on so many levels I can't even fathom it.

 

Please take a step back and really look at what you are doing, how you got here and what you really want out of a future relationship.

 

 

always knew it was wrong.

The first one, complained about his M and their sex life. I was stupid to fell pitty for him. I even believed they dphad sexless M. Before I got pregnant, I often left this guy. He'd always do self destructive acts when I said goodbye, such as banging his head, cutting his hand, etc. I got pregnant. He cheated on me twice during and after pregnancy. The second time I discovered there was another OW, I texted his W. He then left me. That time my son was 2 months old and until now we NC. I support myself and my son.

I was single for 2 years straight, no kisses no sex no man in my life. Just work n my son occupied my head.

 

Then, finally fell for this person whom I knew was married since our first time knowing each other profesionally. As I knew it was wrong, I did try to avoid and many times rejected him. Finally, yes I became his OW. He never vented about his marital problems. Out of guilt, I've left him several times. But he's not selfish, though it hurt him, he always let me go when I needed space. When I was with him, I only said I loved you 1x through email. The one of my goodbye mail that his W read. What i meant about being more cautious was, not saying I love you and not giving my heart completely. And always think that if he could cheat on his W, he's probably cheating on me. Though he said he wasn't. I stick to my pov that he's stuck with me just due to the physical attractions though he said it's more than that. Through our 9 months of ON OFF A...we only had sex less than 5x. Other than that, just lovers' dinners or lunches or business appointments.

 

This is his second M. His W told me she's been thinking of leaving him. She was once his OW. She explained their long history of marital issues and temporary sexless M because of me with her broken English. I didn't jump and use that opportunity. At that time, I encouraged her to stay. Deep down, I do want to be with him, but I can't live with him knowing how I ruined her heart and her son's. Though that was what she did to his 1st W. His first W, who has 2 sons with him.

Edited April 20, 2014 by P1nginLOVE
not relevant to topics

[Raena]

always knew it was wrong.

The first one, complained about his M and their sex life. I was stupid to fell pitty for him. I even believed they dphad sexless M. Before I got pregnant, I often left this guy. He'd always do self destructive acts when I said goodbye, such as banging his head, cutting his hand, etc. I got pregnant. He cheated on me twice during and after pregnancy. The second time I discovered there was another OW, I texted his W. He then left me. That time my son was 2 months old and until now we NC. I support myself and my son.

I was single for 2 years straight, no kisses no sex no man in my life. Just work n my son occupied my head.

 

Then, finally fell for this person whom I knew was married since our first time knowing each other profesionally. As I knew it was wrong, I did try to avoid and many times rejected him. Finally, yes I became his OW. He never vented about his marital problems. Out of guilt, I've left him several times. But he's not selfish, though it hurt him, he always let me go when I needed space. When I was with him, I only said I loved you 1x through email. The one of my goodbye mail that his W read. What i meant about being more cautious was, not saying I love you and not giving my heart completely. And always think that if he could cheat on his W, he's probably cheating on me. Though he said he wasn't. I stick to my pov that he's stuck with me just due to the physical attractions though he said it's more than that. Through our 9 months of ON OFF A...we only had sex less than 5x. Other than that, just lovers' dinners or lunches or business appointments.

 

This is his second M. His W told me she's been thinking of leaving him. She was once his OW. She explained their long history of marital issues and temporary sexless M because of me with her broken English. I didn't jump and use that opportunity. At that time, I encouraged her to stay. Deep down, I do want to be with him, but I can't live with him knowing how I ruined her heart and her son's. Though that was what she did to his 1st W. His first W, who has 2 sons with him.

 

You seem to know that this is wrong but yet can't quite extricate yourself from this situation. Why is that? What will it take for you to walk away? You do realize that you deserve better than that right? Stand up for yourself and walk away. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone who isn't cheating to be with you.

[P1nginLOVE]

You seem to know that this is wrong but yet can't quite extricate yourself from this situation. Why is that? What will it take for you to walk away? You do realize that you deserve better than that right? Stand up for yourself and walk away. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone who isn't cheating to be with you.

 

Fully aware this is wrong.

I am in love with this man. I was also in love with my son's biological father when I was with him. But this time, I choose to love differently.

I learned to expect the worst thing would happen.

I am hurting his W, but currently I'm not having sex with his H. So, is it wrong? As we don't discuss about her, just about general things.

I cannot stop seeing him, I tried. Seeing him, even just as friends, give me less pain.

Others who have been with their MM for years must have more hard times of stopping their As.