Dating a girl with HIV - Persuable?

[TSALMG]

ThatMan:

I would strongly consider making an appointment with your own physician to discuss the matter. As already said, "Relationships are often temporary while HIV/AIDS last forever."

Yeah, thanks mate, I might just do that in the new year!

 

Some of the facts you'll quickly discover are that HIV has become much like diabetes. HIV is manageable but you'll eventually die a slow and painful death from complications, especially with the rise of near impossible to treat opportunistic infections. Don't count on her, or possibly yourself, to live exceptionally long. It costs anywhere from $15,000 to $30,000 a year for one individual to afford the life saving antiretroviral drugs. Bring that total up to $30,000 to $60,000 each year if both of you become infected. Oh yeah, you won't be able to keep your own job indefinitely as complications begin to surface.

Urm, I can't say really I'd got my head out of the next 6 months enough to start thinking that many years down the road.

I guess, costs aren't an issue for her cause its all free on the NHS, erm, believe me that giving up work to care for someone isn't something on my radar at 24 though I guess if you were really going to look at it long term, I own a gym with my two brothers and sister, theyre not about to kick me out the business. But yeah, of course that scares me, I know its not a death sentence anymore, I know it doesn't have to be, but of course that goes through my head - I'd quite like to travel a little more, we both wanted that, I've already been backpacking once, she told me all the places she want to visit, we found a common interest for liking traveling off the beaten track! and crucially I want to have a family! I desperately want kids, me and my ex split up because she didn't.

And of course I wouldn't wish a slow and painful death on my worst enemy!! ...I wouldn't wish them a lonely life either though!

 

SYLLPalmer:

I am a pharmacist who has been working in the HIV community for over 15 years. The risk of heterosexual transmission is reduced by highly active antiretroviral medications. If her viral load is undetectable and you use rubbers correctly your chances of contracting it are slim to none. HIV, believe it or not, is comparatively difficult to contract when compared to other viruses like Hepatits B. (Noteworthy: Hepatitis B is a common co-infection among patients with HIV. Ask her about her Hep B status. Ask her to show you her labs.)

Here is a reputable resource to help.

IS IT SAFE FOR MIXED-STATUS COUPLES TO HAVE SEX?

 

If you love the girl well controlled HIV doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I know that it is scary but there is a bounty of resources to assist you with the physical and emotional aspects you face.

Thank you for that! Sometimes there's almost so much information out there on the internet that it becomes hard to extract the truth!

 

She said she was clear from Hep B/C......her HIV+ ex was her most recent ex so I guess that means she's had it for a relatively short length of time.

 

Contact1:

Oh what a tough situation, and I feel for this female who now has the virus, it really is such life changing.

Yeah me too! I'd thought about HIV before but never its effect on the individual - I don't pretend to know how it must feel but I know she should of had the world at her feet, not hearing news like this after her 22nd birthday - its tough!

 

Firstly, both of you have a ton of information you need to be educated on. For her, she will be on anti-retro viral medication to help control the virus. The amount of medication I have seen some people have to take is just insane, and they have to be taken at the right time, and constantly. If a person with HIV stops taking their medication for whatever reason, this gives the virus that is still in their body a chance to replicate, and her system will now be full of virus that is resistant to her medication (the virus that still exist is the one surviving the medication, given the chance they replicate and now the virus is stronger)

 

Than comes intimate relationships with one another. Exchange of bodily fluids is how the virus is transmitted with one another, in essence unprotected sex. Kissing, holding hands, and such are perfectly fine. The virus can not survive outside of a body, it must always have a host, thus it is through intercourse when it can be transmitted.

 

I'll tell you a story of a man who has HIV and has a life long partner. He's had the virus since the early 90's, back when it was really apparent and not much research was around for it. Him and his partner have been together for over 10 years now, and in that time, they have never had direct intercourse with one another. He (the person with the virus) can not bear the thought of passing the virus to their partner, so at most they will masturbate with one another, no contact or risk of bodily fluid exchange.

Thanks for the info! Its good to see some of the realities like.....put simply, if that makes sense!

 

This extreme doesn't have to be taken, but it is something some relationships go through. You have to realize, that in no point in your relationship, can you ever not be careful when it comes to making love. No heat of the moment, unprotected sex, ever. You always have to prepare, or else you risk contracting the virus. Can you live with that, for the rest of your life? I'm not expecting you to give an answer, but you have to weigh this question in your mind, because it is the reality, the virus is that life changing, not just to her, but to any potential partner of hers.

Yeah I get that! I definitely wouldn't be silly about it! I don't want to get sick!

 

Whatever you decide, just remember however much turmoil you are going through, it doesn't even come close to what she is going through right now. You have a right to be cautious, and if you do end things, do it in the best possible way.

Yeah I know, I know! Like I said, I almost want to be say its not fair like some spoilt little kid and feel like a tool cause im dealing with nothing like what she has to find a way to deal with! Im under no illusion about that!

 

OhThatGirl:

I work in health care as well. I can echo the same statements. If her viral load is incredibly low (likely to acheive given the current medications available) your risk of contracting the virus is incredibly low. Using barrier protection? Essentially zilch. Also like the previous poster said, HIV is a bit more difficult to contract than other scary viruses (Hep B and C for example)

 

To the poster that mentioned the $15,000-30,000 per year med costs... Umm.. Without insurance? If in the US, there is now a law that prohibits insurance companies from denying coverage due to pre-existing conditions. Between insurance and patient assistance program options, the medications will not cost remotely close to the quoted amount.

 

Let's not scare OP any more than he is. Individuals with HIV are able to work, have families, lead productive lives, and not to broke trying to pay $30,000 per year for medications. One of my patients found out he was HIV positive. Within a few months or starting meds his viral load became undetectable (can't find any copies of the virus in his blood) and feels great. He was really struggling at the time of his diagnosis and to be quite honest having HIV diagnosis made a lot of resources available to him. He's now enrolled in college classes (with help of vocational rehab) and doing well.

 

Is it always so easy and sunny? No. Not at all. But HIV does not always equal end of life. It's just a different chronic illness that requires close, careful management.

Again, thanks a lot for the info it helps! Like I say being in the UK cost isn't a concern but viral counts and stuff - id never ever heard of that till I started looking stuff up!

 

OP.. I suggest you meet with a professional that thoroughly understands HIV and ask all the questions that cross your mind. Meet with a social worker. Meet with anyone that works with HIV positive population and get the straight story.

Yeah, that's a good idea, thanks!

 

AcrossTheUniverse:

I think you should make an appointment with a local sexual health clinic, or your GP, alone. Sit and explain your situation, your fears, and listen to what they say. They may put your mind at rest, or you may find you've acquired enough information to feel as though you don't want to proceed.

I think this sounds like a good place to start! I might arrange something next week.

 

Life is full of risks, sometimes they're worth taking.

Yeah! I mean In theory if you'd asked me i'd of probably said no, but then its not a situation I actually thought id find myself in and its very different when its real not theory and your, into the girl!

 

Elswyth:

The good news for you is, vaginal-to-penis transmission is the lowest of all the penetrative sex HIV transmission rates. If your roles had been reversed she would have a higher chance of getting it, and penis-to-anus transmission is the highest. The bad news is, a risk still exists, and you may need to use condoms most of your life to reduce that.

yeah, I know that is the reality!

 

That being said, this is very early to be calling something 'love'. Very, very early. IMO if you want to continue, then abstain from sex first while taking a few more months to get to know her. If she loves you in return, she will understand your reason and wait for you. See how you feel, say, 6 months in before you make a big decision like having sex with a HIV+ person. Don't use oral sex to circumvent this, that still carries a risk.

Oh I know it is! And i'm not banding around words like love! Just that I cant say i've ever felt like this before, despite having been in love before.

Yeah I definitely agree, I would rush to make things physical! definitely not!

[kodakgirl]

I just saw this story this morning about a couple where the woman was born HIV positive-- they've been together 13 years now (and he is totally clear of it, though he gets tested regularly): Born With HIV, Building A Future : NPR

 

[kaylan]

Dont do this to yourself kid.

 

Look out towards the water...so many fish in the sea.

 

If you are gonna go for it anyways, please slow your role. You seem in a rush in my view.

[Richard Friedman]

Are you retarded? Seriously man, this is your life.

[Shepp]

Woah, buddy - firstly, I'm sorry! For you and her!

 

Secondly, I don't know much about HIV so im not going to touch on that, from a relationship point of view, whatever you decide to do I think your right with this:

Her reaction to my reaction or her reaction to the diagnosis?

I dunno really, I haven't really talked to her about where im at (I know its probably wrong and she wouldn't mind but I feel like its a bit much to be dumping my fears/issues on her now, its not like shes even had time to come to terms with her own, y'know?). It was her that was like 'I get this probably screws up anything else happening between us but i'd like to still be friends with you Gus' - I didn't correct her then cause at the time I fully believed she was right, and it did, and I still haven't corrected her or told her outright that im still thinking on it, but I figure that she knows cause like I say we text constantly all through the day, we haven't stopped seeing each other.

Whats the point giving her a 'maybe this can still work' if a fortnight later you come to the decision it can't! Especially when she must feel her worlds shattered - you need to be concrete in your words, kind concrete.

 

But the other thing I was going to say was: keep in mind shes the same girl she was the day before...I know that this is massive, for you and her, and it does change things but equally...if it were me, I'd prefer for people to keep treating me normal, talking about normal things, wouldn't want everything to be about whatever was wrong.

[ja123]

At 24 years-old with relatively little dating experience, and with such a new relationship without much invested, then I wouldn't continue the relationship.

 

 

Unfortunately, there are more chances of relationships not working out these days, so why put yourself at such great risk?

 

 

There are exceptions to the rule, but most people mid-thirties and up would be able to share their "this time, I thought it'd last forever ... but, it didn't" stories.

 

 

I'm not trying to be cynical here, but just realistic.

 

 

It's great to have a positive attitude with a touch of romanticism, but be careful! If it doesn't work out and you've contracted the virus, just how would you feel? Your older, wiser self would probably feel a tremendous amount of anguish and want to kick your younger/current self's ass ... it'd be too late then, though, wouldn't it? You'd have the virus and nothing could be done, then, to change that fact.

 

 

How would you, then, try to find a new life partner? Your dating pool would be seriously limited.

 

 

And you might be limiting your options in other areas: financially, career, life insurance for your kids or to mortgage a house, travelling, etc. etc.

 

 

Don't make any promises to this girl, until you've given this whole thing a long, hard think.

 

 

Personally, I would know that my decision would be to not continue. Then, due to the attraction, I'd not be able to be her friend either ... I'd need at least 2-years 'no contact' to potentially revisit any platonic friendship scenario, if I felt that attracted to someone.

 

 

This decision is yours to make, but I would very strongly advise you not to continue.

 

 

It's a sad situation, and you seem to be a very strong, kind, young man whose intentions are good. You're so young, though ... and there are so many things in life to learn to give you perspective.

 

 

Think of yourself first.

 

 

I agree with the other poster who said that she might try looking for someone who is also HIV +. There are dating websites for those with STIs/STDs.

 

 

Best of luck to you both.

Edited April 18, 2014 by ja123

[Haydn]

Doable, you sound like a pretty cool bloke. She trusted you to let you in. Take precautions and live life to the full with her. Fair play to you.

 

 

So I meet this girl online, hit it off with her instantly, exchange over100 messages in like 3 days. She's 22, a photographer, I'm 24, I run agym.

 

I drive to where she is we meet up, get on awesome, like really awesome.You ever sit down with someone and just feel like you have more to talk aboutthan you'll ever have time to...well talk about? This was like that! We had somuch in common it was ridiculous and we had such similar goals in life.Combined with the fact she's smokin' hot - I was a happy boy!

 

I happened to meet some of her family on our 3rd date - moving fast?didn't feel it, felt like this is what I should be doing! Me and her was just right!

 

 

After our third date I had to go to Ireland but we arranged to meet up when I got back. She went randomly a little quiet on me before our 4th date, we meet anyway, we went to the beach near my house, and she was just really..down.I ask her whats wrong, she just burst into tears and, well you know where this is going right - her ex contacted her to tell her he'd been diagnosed HIV positive and to get checked out she did and...well, it was positive.

 

I was kind of like, ugh dealbreaker - I didn't say that obviously onlyI, hands up know practically nothing about the virus and I just kinda thoughtthat was the only outcome. Problem is.....shes got me good, she was like 'Iknow this probably screws up any chance of us going anywhere' but shestill wanted us to be friends, which ive tried, ive tried being her friend - I cant do it, im into this girl like something else believe that, shes gorgeousbut more than that I cant go a day with out talking to her I genuinely cant!

 

 

So I guess my question is.......is this doable, can we make it workregardless? (does that sound insensitive - I don't mean it too! I just don'twant some stupid virus to be the reason I didn't go after this awesome girl! Ilike her, when im with her, im not scared! But I know there is a reality tothis - down the road this could affect her health, our lives, even my health ifI wasn't careful).

 

But people make relationships like this work don't they? I still feel like were dating, we still seeing each other like dates, were still talking every day! I just - I need some advice on how to take this?

[TSALMG]

Shepp:

But the other thing I was going to say was: keep in mind shes the same girl she was the day before...I know that this is massive, for you and her, and it does change things but equally...if it were me, I'd prefer for people to keep treating me normal, talking about normal things, wouldn't want everything to be about whatever was wrong.

Yeah this is what I'm trying to do, keeping things just as they were, normal, but talking about it with her when she brings it up.

 

Ja123:

It's great to have a positive attitude with a touch of romanticism, but be careful! If it doesn't work out and you've contracted the virus, just how would you feel? Your older, wiser self would probably feel a tremendous amount of anguish and want to kick your younger/current self's ass ... it'd be too late then, though, wouldn't it? You'd have the virus and nothing could be done, then, to change that fact.

Yeah of course that's true!! I mean, like I say, I'm not going to be stupid about it, I really don't want to get sick - I don't want to jeopardise having kids, a family, what I want in life, nor my health.

If it was a case of, you date this girl and you will get sick (or even if it was a case of if you date this girl you will ultimatly break up, because I'm not looking for a short term relationship) - I wouldn't do it! I guess I'm just trying to feel out in the dark if, there is a line to tread that can balance her and my health, I don't know.

 

It's a sad situation, and you seem to be a very strong, kind, young man whose intentions are good. You're so young, though ... and there are so many things in life to learn to give you perspective.

Thank you.

 

Skuds:

Jesus Christ, this thread makes my skin crawl. That poor girl. I can't even imagine getting a call like that; dealing with your frustration towards an ex that clearly didn't get tested before they were with you and then having that back and forth between fear that you had it and the reassurance that you were okay...only to end up actually having it. And knowing it was going to forever jack up your chances of a normal relationship (some posts in this thread as proof), to say nothing of the effects on your health...

Yeah I know..

 

OP, kudos for not leaving her immediately and causing her even more pain during what's probably the worst she's felt in her life. Like grumps said, just be gentle whatever you decide to do. She's likely feeling ashamed and scared, so I mean this when I say it's literally the worst time you could do some "lol sux peace" move, or flake on her.

Yeah totally, i mean It would of been just cruel to be anything but kind to anyone who got that news, its just human! But sticking by her is genuinely because I think she's awesome not cause I feel sorry for her or anything!

 

I need to go find someone to give me a hug. This triggered my depression something fierce.

Sorry mate

[mammasita]

I haven't read this thread at all.

 

I would do it, if I met a man who I thought was worth it, I would do it. The caveat is that sex would be out of the picture until I knew it was a long term thing.

 

Now, the chances of that happening are against me, but whatever.

 

I say to you OP, it's very possible. You can get to know the person without putting yourself at risk. THEN decide if she's someone you would risk things for. That's what love is, right?

[Mascara]

You've already shown a great deal of thoughtfulness and maturity over this, far more than many guys your age would (as some of the other replies have suggested).

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you both luck. Whilst it may not be forever, every relationship helps us grow, and I'm sure you'll come out of this a better person for the experience.

[PogoStick]

Lucky for you, sexual transmission from female to male is less likely. Even having unprotected sex with someone HIV+ doesn't mean you will contract the virus. If she is on medication and uses condoms then you have a reasonable amount of protection.

 

I have a feeling she knew her HIV status before your first date. Although that wouldn't need to be a deal breaker, I'd be cautious. You sound a little over the top about her. Take it slow and make sure you are thinking clearly. Keep getting to know her, and see this through.

[bluegreen]

I read this post last week but was busy with work so could not answer.

Two things right away happened my heart broke for her and I said WOW what a decent guy some of them still indeed do exist !!!!

 

Even with some I say some cause I did not graduate yet health care background I would not dare say yeah go ahead or don't this decision is to delicate to complicated.

 

 

There is this I will say tough : Give her hug from me I'll say prayer for he

And whatever you do decide be firm but kind about it woman's heart is delicate as fine china don't give her false hope if you can't stay.

 

 

She could not be more hurt then she is don't add to it I beg you ...

[TSALMG]

I read this post last week but was busy with work so could not answer.

Two things right away happened my heart broke for her and I said WOW what a decent guy some of them still indeed do exist !!!!

 

Even with some I say some cause I did not graduate yet health care background I would not dare say yeah go ahead or don't this decision is to delicate to complicated.

 

 

There is this I will say tough : Give her hug from me I'll say prayer for he

And whatever you do decide be firm but kind about it woman's heart is delicate as fine china don't give her false hope if you can't stay.

 

 

She could not be more hurt then she is don't add to it I beg you ...

 

Thank you!

 

Well a hug is something I actually can do I know, I don't want to hurt her, not at all but like you say equally I don't want to make promises and not keep them, soi want to be sure of what I'm going to do before i like, sit her down and talk through it!

[bluegreen]

You are most welcome : ))

Well now am sincerely interested in what happens now cause you can't drag this for to long keep that in mind.

But by all means do let us know what happened OK ?

[TSALMG]

You are most welcome : ))

Well now am sincerely interested in what happens now cause you can't drag this for to long keep that in mind.

But by all means do let us know what happened OK ?

 

Yeah I know.. I'm seeing her Tuesday anyway, it's just a little weird at the moment cause were in this weird undefined relationship, where I feel like I'm ignoring the elephant in the room that needs to be addressed! I just dunno what to say! I don't want to stop talking to/seeing her and I don't want to have to think 'what if' we could of had something really great, not when like this isntbher faut!! but then on the hand other I dont want to promise...more than I know I can keep - cause I reckon that's the last thing she needs, you know..

 

I will do

[LovelyDay]

Good for you for not wanting to bolt immediately.

 

If you do decide to continue on with the relationship, I HIGHLY recommend looking into preventative HIV drugs. The can reduce the risk of contracting HIV by 75% and that's before using a condom.

 

Anti-HIV Drugs Prevent Infection Among Healthy Heterosexual Men and Women l TIME.com

 

 

Truvada: 5 Things to Know About the First Drug to Prevent HIV | TIME.com

 

Good luck! I hope you don't let her being HIV+ get in the way of her possibly becoming the love of your life!

Edited April 21, 2014 by LovelyDay

[LovelyDay]

Also, just because she is HIV+ doesn't mean she can't have happy healthy children. Modern medicine is so good these days that with the use of medication, it's now safe for HIV+ mothers to get pregnant.

Women and HIV : Yes! You Can Have A Healthy Baby - by Liz Highleyman

 

 

In addition, babies who were infected after being born have been found to not have signs of HIV in their system (Cured? I hope so. Only time will tell) when given doses of anti-HIV medication immediately after being born. These developments are HUGE.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/06/health/second-success-raises-hope-for-a-way-to-rid-babies-of-hiv.html?_r=0

 

So to sum up, it's very realistic to have a happy normal relationship and have happy healthy children with some one who is HIV+.

Edited April 21, 2014 by LovelyDay

[LovelyDay]

Ok last post. NO, it is not inevitable that she will eventually die from complications associated with HIV. Not in the slightest. Only if HIV developed into AIDS could you say death was inevitiable. And once again, thanks to modern medicine, she can live by all means an otherwise long and healthy life.

[ja123]

This thread seems to be lopsided towards having the relationship.

 

 

I still stick to my post: don't do it.

 

 

Do research, research, research. Talk to several professionals.

 

 

IMO, even if the research said it's a 10 % chance you'd get the virus, then for me that is too high.

[Arabella]

I've seen threads here about dating someone with genital herpes and the vast majority were on the camp of "hell, no!"

 

I'm honestly surprised that this thread is so obviously slanted towards the OP staying with this girl who is HIV+, which is actually life-threatening.

 

It really sucks for her that she did nothing wrong and still got infected, but you've barely just met her! You shouldn't put your life at risk for someone who you may or may not end up with long-term.

[LovelyDay]

This thread seems to be lopsided towards having the relationship.

 

 

I still stick to my post: don't do it.

 

 

Do research, research, research. Talk to several professionals.

 

 

IMO, even if the research said it's a 10 % chance you'd get the virus, then for me that is too high.

 

 

It's less than 10%

[kaylan]

It's less than 10%

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Dont do it OP. Youre still a young guy with a lot ahead of you. Last thing you wanna do is get in this relationship, possibly catch HIV, and then things not work out.

 

Slow down buddy.

 

And being the skeptic I am, I dunno how much I buy this girls story that she JUST found out about all this.

[LovelyDay]

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Dont do it OP. Youre still a young guy with a lot ahead of you. Last thing you wanna do is get in this relationship, possibly catch HIV, and then things not work out.

 

Slow down buddy.

 

And being the skeptic I am, I dunno how much I buy this girls story that she JUST found out about all this.

 

It can be less than 10% I should say.

[isisisweeping]

I'm not going to tell him do it or don't do it... but what's wrong with getting to know her well WITHOUT sex (no risk) and then deciding whether it's what you want or not.

 

 

 

 

Some people here are cruel.

[kaylan]

I'm not going to tell him do it or don't do it... but what's wrong with getting to know her well WITHOUT sex (no risk) and then deciding whether it's what you want or not.

 

 

 

 

Some people here are cruel.

Self preservation is cruel?

 

Not wanting to be immuno-compromised is cruel?

 

Not wanting to be on meds for the rest of ones life if they happens to contract HIV is cruel?

 

lolol ok...whatever you say. No one said anything bad about the woman. People have told the guy to slow down, and how its potentially not worth it.