I can file for divorce in 30 days, I'm sad [update: I stopped the divorce]

[snappytomcat]

This is one the best articles I've read on this subject. I found out about my wife's affair 8 years after it ended. I can relate to the scenario described in the article, and it is 100% spot on. Spot on!

 

One thing that has stuck with me over the years is this. No matter if a couple reconciles or divorces; the price paid is extremely high. For my situation, I look back at all the pain that we BOTH went through. I look at what my WW risked for a few months of excitement. I look at what she gave away to another man. A man that was in her life for only 6 months or so (affair was 3-4 months). Just read Sophie2013's story. Look at what her casual hook-up(s) cost her and her family.

 

Last week we had another discussion about her affair (after I had a trigger). When she speaks of her affair, she has never mentioned the OM by name. This short affair with a man that she can't even bring herself to mention his name came with an incredibly steep price tag. For me, my sense of pride (ego) and sense of justice is my biggest struggles.

 

I am religious, and James 2:13, Matthew 18:21-35, and the story of Joseph (Genesis 50:20) motivated me to continue to forgive. Every now and then I still go back and read those passages. Reconciling was my decision, but I don't blame anyone for choosing divorce. Sometimes the damage is too great. Sometinmes the marriage itself is not worth the effort.

 

BTW - This Easter we will celebrate our 6th anniversary of our "new" marriage. (6 years post D-day)

wow!i my ws husband cant say her name at all,and if I do his whole body shakes,i thought this was only him,i guess a lot of ws don't like to say the name of xap

[purplesorrow]

There are so many insightful people here. Thank you all for being kind enough to share with a stranger. It has given me a lot to think about and new ways of looking at things. The more I heal, the smaller his affair becomes in my life. I have no idea what I will do as far as my marriage. In a strange way my justice already came when he realized what he did to himself for cheap validation. That was more punishment than I could ever impart. I hope we both continue to grow and become better people. I know which ever I feed the most; divorce or reconciling is the one that will grow the most. Please keep my family in your thoughts, peace to all.

[jnel921]

Fellini,

 

Great article you posted. I too feel that a price was paid for choosing to R and forgiving my WH.

 

I can't say I love you. I haven't for a year and a half since DDay. I am scared that as soon as I say it... He may hurt me again.

 

I haven't told anyone...so there goes my sanity. I deal with this on my own the best way possible.

 

I struggled last year with an event at my H workplace as everyone knew of his infidelity and I did not want to look like a fool. Just more prices to pay.

 

We have good days and we have great days. I have days where I question my decision to stay. I have to keep reminding myself that he really is working hard at this and need to do my part.

 

We still have a ways to go. We are still broken, patched up pieces now, but not yet whole.

[fellini]

Fellini,

 

I can't say I love you. I haven't for a year and a half since DDay. I am scared that as soon as I say it... He may hurt me again.

 

 

I say it, when she tries so hard, saying it, but when I say it, it doesn't have the same authenticity it had before DDay. And I remember how I felt a week before she started having sex with her AP, we went for an anniversary dinner, and I thought I had never loved or felt so completely good with someone.

 

Later I learned that I was feeding off her feelings for him. I haven't been able to say those words with any heart or conviction for many months now. They come out awkward, almost like I don't want to utter them, and they come out triggered. Every time.

[jnel921]

I say it, when she tries so hard, saying it, but when I say it, it doesn't have the same authenticity it had before DDay. And I remember how I felt a week before she started having sex with her AP, we went for an anniversary dinner, and I thought I had never loved or felt so completely good with someone.

 

Later I learned that I was feeding off her feelings for him. I haven't been able to say those words with any heart or conviction for many months now. They come out awkward, almost like I don't want to utter them, and they come out triggered. Every time.

 

Yes I totally understand. I love my H, but what was special about this relationship is forever changed. I have learned to fall in love with the person he has now become. I just am not ready to say those words. They are powerful words and in my mind the gateway to my heart.

 

I still have some overcoming to do. We have come a long way. However there are those days when I have too much time to think and I think about times as you say...before or around the time of this A and I remember the behaviors. I remember going away with him and being so excited and he was distant and I felt something was wrong. I remember making love with him and there was something different about it. Turns out he was with the OW that day before. Stuff like this rattles me.

 

I have to rationalize this as stupid horny toad behavior. Him feeling flattered and taking advantage of a situation. He was wrong and is remorseful. He is lucky and appreciative that I gave him this chance.

 

The option to leave will always be there as long as we are not 100 percent whole again. R is not easy. I have found that I am stronger than I ever was. No matter what happens I will be ok. I can honestly say that I have exhausted every resource possible to make my M and this R work.

 

Reading and posting here has helped a lot. I appreciate my LS friends.

Edited April 19, 2014 by jnel921

[BHsigh]

I say it, when she tries so hard, saying it, but when I say it, it doesn't have the same authenticity it had before DDay. And I remember how I felt a week before she started having sex with her AP, we went for an anniversary dinner, and I thought I had never loved or felt so completely good with someone.

 

Later I learned that I was feeding off her feelings for him. I haven't been able to say those words with any heart or conviction for many months now. They come out awkward, almost like I don't want to utter them, and they come out triggered. Every time.

 

I get that, the words don't feel the same anymore to me either. Of course I love her, or I wouldn't still be here, but it doesn't feel the same as before.

 

One thing that my wife says to me sometimes is "I'm happy, I know that you'll always love me", and I just wish that I could feel the same way, but that's impossible now. I always want to respond with "Maybe I should have an affair and hide it until you catch me so that I can feel the same way too".

[fellini]

One thing that my wife says to me sometimes is "I'm happy, I know that you'll always love me", and I just wish that I could feel the same way, but that's impossible now. I always want to respond with "Maybe I should have an affair and hide it until you catch me so that I can feel the same way too".

 

I go through something similar. She is always saying how we are better, that our relationship is so much stronger. And I'm wondering all the time: So I had to catch you, make you stop, make you go NC, make you keep NC, listen to your trickle truths, and pardon your huge number of encounters, just so you could tell me what you told me two weeks before I discovered him?

 

Why not help me discover the truth before the PA? Why not stop after the first afternoon? How many times did you need to have sex with this guy until you were going to realize you were devoted to me. A year? two years?

 

Even today, I find myself having to explain why I will no longer speak with her family (they used finding out about her affair as a wedge to try and get her to leave our marriage), sending her that article on the Cost of Forgiveness, explaining over and over to her the importance of not trickle truthing, gaslighting, the intrusions, the triggers... I ask myself if I have to continue doing this what is it i'm forgiving truly: her incapacity to understand empathy and to try to actually understand what Im going through?

 

I sent her that article, and she read it, and she wrote back that basically saying she "understands" it.

 

But the inability to take that, and convert that "understanding" into some kind of genuine gesture to show that her understanding is something shared emotionally, is just not happening. It's like, I sent it to her, she read it, she responded with some kind words, let's move on...

 

If our marriage was truly that much stronger, it would endure being able to deal with a discussion about the Cost of Forgiving, and what it means to each of us as mature adults. Discussing that article will not make or break our marriage, but I get the sense that she feels if we discuss things at that level, we are actually discussing separation. And I am getting the impression that this is just another thing that I have to "teach" her! That discussing hard, really hard stuff in a marriage is the proof that the marriage is strong, not just saying "It's strong".

Edited April 19, 2014 by fellini

[purplesorrow]

I actually feel ok about it. I was fully ready to let it go. I needed to be at that point. It has allowed me to consider trying. We will still live apart and date. I would like any advice from those who have succeeded at reconciling. Please send good thoughts.

[waterwoman]

Hi purple, so pleaed to hear this x

 

If I felt my reconciliation had been totally successful I'd give you some advice but right now I am on the fence.

 

Good luck!

[DKT3]

I actually feel ok about it. I was fully ready to let it go. I needed to be at that point. It has allowed me to consider trying. We will still live apart and date. I would like any advice from those who have succeeded at reconciling. Please send good thoughts.

 

I know in my situation I couldn't continue in the marriage even through I still loved her as much as ever. The divorce was calming for me, I tried to move on but kept feeling the pull back. Its hard to give up on almost 25 years of history. Even with that two years of hell.

 

Its been about 6 months of serious R. We have done a great deal of work and I feel good about "US". I have made soft plans to move back in by summers end. We did the casual thing for almost three years, I just couldn't commit. Now I have 100%, she never gave up.

 

Its going to be hard, just remember waywards still deserve some respect and honesty. If your having an issue address it, don't just lash out in anger.

 

Good luck

[gettingstronger]

We are 17 months post dday and doing pretty well- like all we have our good days and our bad days- I did have a time about the one year mark when I thought maybe divorce would be the best thing for us but we worked through it and are still going-

 

We had a rough time a week or so back so decided that we would not discuss "it" for a week since we seemed to be just rehasing and beating it in the ground-

 

I think that has been a good thing as I feel more calm and in control-

 

Its a long road and I wish you nothing but peace and happiness!

[BetrayedH]

I actually feel ok about it. I was fully ready to let it go. I needed to be at that point. It has allowed me to consider trying. We will still live apart and date. I would like any advice from those who have succeeded at reconciling. Please send good thoughts.

 

Well, I didn't succeed at reconciling so maybe you should just quit reading this post now.

 

I actually think you've gone about this in a pretty healthy way. I think some of the best advice I've read was to not make a decision about reconciliation until you know that you'll be ok either way. Seems to me that you were fully prepared for divorce and had accepted that reality. The point being, you're not making this decision out of desperation, panic, damage control, fear, etc.. Sounds pretty healthy to me. In fact, I typically tell BSs to file for divorce on Dday and then if they feel that their WS is truly remorseful (and that there's a chance of forgiveness) then you can always pause the proceedings. You did all that but just had to wait a year to be able to file (and separated in the meantime). Well played as far as I'm concerned.

[Snowflower]

What made you change your mind about the divorce?

[whichwayisup]

I actually feel ok about it. I was fully ready to let it go. I needed to be at that point. It has allowed me to consider trying. We will still live apart and date. I would like any advice from those who have succeeded at reconciling. Please send good thoughts.

 

Take it slowly and enjoy dating him. Keep it simple and light.

 

If two people are really willing to put in the effort, 100% both sides, then it can work. The love is there, seems that never went away.

 

Sending you good thoughts and wishes.

[dichotomy]

I actually feel ok about it. I was fully ready to let it go. I needed to be at that point. It has allowed me to consider trying. We will still live apart and date. I would like any advice from those who have succeeded at reconciling. Please send good thoughts.

 

 

This sounds like a plan.

 

Honestly the only concern I would have if I was in your place - is being able to verify behavior. I mean your married - but living apart. I guess as a BS, still trying to fully reconcile, both of us living apart would drive my trust issues crazy. Also how does this all work legally and financially with two places and being married but seperated?

[purplesorrow]

Thank you all. We have both changed and grown a lot. I truly respect the hard work he has put in. We were both starting over so we decided to try starting over with each other first. He had stayed with his parents for the past year and will continue to do do. He helps them financially and I cover our home expenses. Even with divorcing that would have been the same. Equal custody so no child support was requested from either. He will either do right by me or he won't, but I won't live like a parol officer to find out. I knew something was wrong before, I trust my instincts to let me know again. I told him all or nothing. 'Do no harm, but take no shyt'

 

Purple

[PachucaSunrise]

I actually feel ok about it. I was fully ready to let it go. I needed to be at that point. It has allowed me to consider trying. We will still live apart and date. I would like any advice from those who have succeeded at reconciling. Please send good thoughts.

 

This is so great to hear! I don't have any words of wisdom for you, as I have never been in your situation, but I do have a TON of good vibes that I will be sending your way.

 

I sincerely wish you the very best of luck! Good thoughts, good vibes, hugs, and lots and lots of love are comin' right atcha! Please keep us posted.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would like any advice from those who have succeeded at reconciling. Please send good thoughts.

Tough for many BS to give you advice because reconciling success largely not up to us. Bodes well that your WS seems to be doing the right things. Good thoughts officially sent...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hope Shimmers]

OMG!!!

 

You just made my day. (And yes I know this isn't about my day)

 

I am so happy to read this!!!!! Yay!!!

 

I know I don't have great advice for you, but I just think you did the right thing. You are so intelligent and sensitive - you know what you are doing.

 

WOW!!!!

[jnel921]

Sounds like success in the making to the path of R.

 

Your heart must feel he is doing something right. Hold on to that feeling.

 

Enjoy this time of reconnection....

[purplesorrow]

OMG!!!

 

You just made my day. (And yes I know this isn't about my day)

 

I am so happy to read this!!!!! Yay!!!

 

I know I don't have great advice for you, but I just think you did the right thing. You are so intelligent and sensitive - you know what you are doing.

 

WOW!!!!

 

Thank you so much.

Edited June 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[revelations]

I had to forgive my xWW, hanging on to the pain and anger is too much for me. I thought that fellini stated it best about the feelings of forgiving and staying with a WS. For myself trying to stay with my xWW would have caused me a lot more damage than I felt I should have to endure. To me staying with her would have been disrespecting myself and even worse, not protecting myself. The thing is that forgiveness does not require me to prove it. I do not have to place myself in harms way to forgive someone. I do not have to lower my standards nor disrespect myself to prove my forgiveness.

 

The one thing that my xWW cheating did to me was to make me reevaluate my life. I had to look at the fact that having another woman in my life means to risk heartbreak and financial ruin. I am getting too old to recover from financial ruin and I have had enough heartbreaks. I came to understand that if I love and respect myself I should treat myself good. By allowing another woman into my life only serves to destroy the happiness that I have rediscovered. I know the kind of person that I am and I am not cut out for marriage or relationships. People tend to not believe me or listen to me when I tell them something is bothering me. I am not that guy that has to snoop or keep tabs on everything that my old lady does. My laid back personality tends to give women the green light to abuse me any way they see fit. My xWW tried to hit me one time, we had cops at our door for the next three months trying to arrest me for DV. I drive truck over the road, I would come home during the holidays and my xWW would make plans to be other places that I was not welcomed at. My xWW expected me to pay all the bills and give her money on top of what she was receiving from her SSID. So yes I realized that I do not deserve to be abused. I realized that no cop, nor court or judge would protect me from any of this. I realized that I will always be the bad guy simply because of my gender.

 

Some people may not like my solution. However it works for me, I no longer live in fear. The best thing I have ever done for myself is to remove myself out of harms way of women and the courts. Every time I have a nightmare I wake up and realize that I never have to live through these things again. For me finding the right woman does not me real happiness. For me any woman means the end of my happiness and freedom. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that all women are bad or anything like that. I am just unable to pick the good woman or see it if a good woman changes into a bad woman. I guess you might say that my picker is broken and there are no spare parts.

[purplesorrow]

I had to forgive my xWW, hanging on to the pain and anger is too much for me. I thought that fellini stated it best about the feelings of forgiving and staying with a WS. For myself trying to stay with my xWW would have caused me a lot more damage than I felt I should have to endure. To me staying with her would have been disrespecting myself and even worse, not protecting myself. The thing is that forgiveness does not require me to prove it. I do not have to place myself in harms way to forgive someone. I do not have to lower my standards nor disrespect myself to prove my forgiveness.

 

The one thing that my xWW cheating did to me was to make me reevaluate my life. I had to look at the fact that having another woman in my life means to risk heartbreak and financial ruin. I am getting too old to recover from financial ruin and I have had enough heartbreaks. I came to understand that if I love and respect myself I should treat myself good. By allowing another woman into my life only serves to destroy the happiness that I have rediscovered. I know the kind of person that I am and I am not cut out for marriage or relationships. People tend to not believe me or listen to me when I tell them something is bothering me. I am not that guy that has to snoop or keep tabs on everything that my old lady does. My laid back personality tends to give women the green light to abuse me any way they see fit. My xWW tried to hit me one time, we had cops at our door for the next three months trying to arrest me for DV. I drive truck over the road, I would come home during the holidays and my xWW would make plans to be other places that I was not welcomed at. My xWW expected me to pay all the bills and give her money on top of what she was receiving from her SSID. So yes I realized that I do not deserve to be abused. I realized that no cop, nor court or judge would protect me from any of this. I realized that I will always be the bad guy simply because of my gender.

 

Some people may not like my solution. However it works for me, I no longer live in fear. The best thing I have ever done for myself is to remove myself out of harms way of women and the courts. Every time I have a nightmare I wake up and realize that I never have to live through these things again. For me finding the right woman does not me real happiness. For me any woman means the end of my happiness and freedom. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that all women are bad or anything like that. I am just unable to pick the good woman or see it if a good woman changes into a bad woman. I guess you might say that my picker is broken and there are no spare parts.

 

Thank you for sharing. I totally get it. I have felt this way myself. You have to do what is best for you. I am sorry that your experiences with women have led you to it. I struggled with the self respect issue of staying a lot. I think the pain of infidelity makes it easy to dehumanize people. We forget or can't see that people can and do change. After my dday, I changed and not in a good way. I was angry and lashing out. I didn't even like being around me .I stopped volunteering, visiting friends. I didn't like who I had become and have worked very hard to becoming someone I like and love again. If I can do that, why not my WH? He didn't like who he was in the affair. I truly respect the work he has put in to be a better man. I refuse to live in fear. I made it through this! If it were to happen again, I got this! No idea what the future holds, but I don't worry anymore. Too much life to enjoy. Peace to you.