I feel weak. I miss my ex so much!! [update]

[Mary Oak]

I feel the same way. I am scared to break no contact with my ex. Such a weird feeling to be scared of someone you spent so much time with. I don't exactly get why I feel this way, but I certainly do.

[elseaacych]

What sucks so much is that every single day they make the choice not to be with you. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And what I don't understand is how we ( everyone on earth who has been dumped) think they are the only thing on Earth that can make us feel better, and will turn to goo if we even think about them. It's ridiculous, because we are asking to be hurt over and over again.

 

The only way to combat it is to go hang out with family and friends in non romantic settings. Seriously. Do not spend time alone. Go do many things with friends. That is the only way that you can recover. Find people who want to spend time with you and reassure you of your self worth.

[RDawg]

Yes it is good to spend time with friends and family in the first couple of months. You will need their support. But I find now, at the 7 month mark, it is good for me to be alone too. I am feeling ok with my own company again, and that is a good sign. I have rediscovered some of my old hobbies, and I feel like I am becoming myself again.

[Virgin26]

The only way to combat it is to go hang out with family and friends in non romantic settings. Seriously. Do not spend time alone. Go do many things with friends. That is the only way that you can recover. Find people who want to spend time with you and reassure you of your self worth.

 

After so many months, even parents, close friends, and family expect you to move on "already"! I find myself always forcing a smile and putting on a show that everything's 'fine'. I was oppressing my feelings for so long that I had a breakdown at work and started crying out loud during a meeting. So embarrassing!! Now I am alone in my room, and I'm letting myself feel whatever this is I'm feeling. Been crying for so long, my eyes hurt, but at least I don't have to pretend that I'm okay anymore simply because I am so not!

 

A part of me is telling me to call my ex, confront him and or at least talk to him about random things, the other part is terrified of breaking No Contact after so long. Why am I so scared of talking to the man I love(d)!? And yeah, what hurts the most is knowing that he took the time to think about the breakup, execute it, and make a conscious choice to move on with his life every single day.

[Maverick89]

Hey Virgin26,

 

I'll probably not be able to help you a lot, because I'm actually in a similar situation as you, my BU was in October. Just gonna try and give you the advice that I can under my own point of view. Not gonna bother you with details of my BU, if you want to read about it, I'll post the link to my own thread down at the end of this post.

 

My advice and personal experience is continue to fake it. I get that everyone around you is telling you to 'move on' already', I've been there and now, I only talk about this with my father, a psychologist that I attend to, and here with you guys. I don't know if it helps to move on to continue to think about this, but I just can't get to feel indifference about her, simply because it was such a long and special relationship, so I get how you're feeling.

 

I guess that we learn to live like this... and eventually the 'faking it' becomes real. You haven't realized this... but you are now able to at least fake a smile, and you pretend to have a good time with your friends. When my BU was still fresh I wasn't able to laugh at comedies or some things like that. I think that faking it, is in itself a strategy to feel better... at least you're thinking about 'fake the smile', 'pretend you're having a good time', 'don't let it show that you're sad'... I know these thoughts connect to your BU, and your ex... but at least it's something different.

 

I also get the wish of getting the text 'I screwed things up, I miss you, let's give it another shot'. I know how you feel and I continue to think and wish for it, but we need to be prepared to not ever getting this. People tell me that it's better we don't get it, and the reason they give is 'you don't want to be the second choice of someone'... I know that you'll think that you don't mind (even if he didn't left you for someone specifically, he's looking out there), I don't know if this makes me less of a man, or makes you less of a woman... the point is, I know the feeling. The real thinking you need to do is 'do I really miss him' or 'do I miss being in a relationship?' You want him to come back because you miss him? or you wished he just realized what a special human being you are, and that you didn't deserve this treatment? do you want this because of your ego? or all of the above options?. Again, these are the same thoughts that go trough my mind.

 

I don't have a straight answer... nobody here has it... nobody in the world has it. What you can get from all of the experiences here, and what seems to be how the world works... ironically, your ex comes back the moment you don't really want them and have moved on completely. You're probably thinking right now that you would take him back the moments he reaches out to you (if he ever does!)... please, don't take him back immediately, I don't think you should make him suffer or anything like that, but please, in case it happens, make him work for it, or he's gonna think he can do this to you all over again.

 

Anyhow, it's not healthy to be expecting to get that kind of repentance from an ex... we need to find in our lives another kind of hope, another kind of objective, to live our lives as if this never happened, learn from it and apply it to a new more fulfilling relationship. I wish you the best of luck Virgin, you can read my thread if you want, maybe it can help you to read other stories and to think about something different.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/464609-gf-5-years-called-quits

Edited May 2, 2014 by Maverick89

[Simon Phoenix]

After so many months, even parents, close friends, and family expect you to move on "already"! I find myself always forcing a smile and putting on a show that everything's 'fine'. I was oppressing my feelings for so long that I had a breakdown at work and started crying out loud during a meeting. So embarrassing!! Now I am alone in my room, and I'm letting myself feel whatever this is I'm feeling. Been crying for so long, my eyes hurt, but at least I don't have to pretend that I'm okay anymore simply because I am so not!

 

A part of me is telling me to call my ex, confront him and or at least talk to him about random things, the other part is terrified of breaking No Contact after so long. Why am I so scared of talking to the man I love(d)!? And yeah, what hurts the most is knowing that he took the time to think about the breakup, execute it, and make a conscious choice to move on with his life every single day.

 

I don't think they are uncaring, I think they just want you to get through this. And I'm guessing you've been spilling your guts to them a bunch during these three months, so there's a bit of fatigue on their part. I know after a while I stopped talking to my friends about it because I didn't want to always be this negative force. But you should definitely talk to us.

 

Whatever you do, do not talk to him. You aren't going to get salvation from the person who brought this all about in the first place. Your fear of talking to him is completely justified. You know in your heart it's not the right move, so don't succumb to it. You are just in a bad patch, but if you ride it out, the bad patches moving forward will be less and less.

[elseaacych]

After so many months, even parents, close friends, and family expect you to move on "already"! I find myself always forcing a smile and putting on a show that everything's 'fine'. I was oppressing my feelings for so long that I had a breakdown at work and started crying out loud during a meeting. So embarrassing!! Now I am alone in my room, and I'm letting myself feel whatever this is I'm feeling. Been crying for so long, my eyes hurt, but at least I don't have to pretend that I'm okay anymore simply because I am so not!

 

A part of me is telling me to call my ex, confront him and or at least talk to him about random things, the other part is terrified of breaking No Contact after so long. Why am I so scared of talking to the man I love(d)!? And yeah, what hurts the most is knowing that he took the time to think about the breakup, execute it, and make a conscious choice to move on with his life every single day.

 

Yeah, they do. I've worn my loved ones' patience down to nothing many times. But they still love you, and like Simon said, you have to fake it to make it, but you also have to want to feel better. You may feel like you are faking it at first, but you know you want to feel the real thing. So you keep doing it. I've been going day by day, wanting to move on. It's taken me a long time, and lots of journaling on LS, but I am finally getting there. LS is a good resource when you make your loved ones crazy. You have to tell yourself you want to get through it. Every single day. Don't focus on what he wants. Focus on what you want. You might find my thread useful: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/468403-slow-fade-nc-no-chance

 

Finally I think you are scared to contact him because you are scared of being rejected again. That's okay. Take that fear of rejection and turn it into a point of power. "I do not want to contact him because I do not want to be rejected. I deserve better." Do NC for you.

[BC1980]

After so many months, even parents, close friends, and family expect you to move on "already"! I find myself always forcing a smile and putting on a show that everything's 'fine'. I was oppressing my feelings for so long that I had a breakdown at work and started crying out loud during a meeting. So embarrassing!! Now I am alone in my room, and I'm letting myself feel whatever this is I'm feeling. Been crying for so long, my eyes hurt, but at least I don't have to pretend that I'm okay anymore simply because I am so not!

 

A part of me is telling me to call my ex, confront him and or at least talk to him about random things, the other part is terrified of breaking No Contact after so long. Why am I so scared of talking to the man I love(d)!? And yeah, what hurts the most is knowing that he took the time to think about the breakup, execute it, and make a conscious choice to move on with his life every single day.

 

One thing I have realized is that if you haven't been through a devastating breakup or another type of loss, you don't get it. The people who had been through similar situations understood me very well. The others couldn't fathom why I wasn't over it. They mean well, but they don't get it. You need to find a therapist, a book, or someone who understands to get through this. You do need to get your feelings out some way because you need to understand them to move forward.

[Virgin26]

Hey Virgin26,

 

I'll probably not be able to help you a lot, because I'm actually in a similar situation as you, my BU was in October. Just gonna try and give you the advice that I can under my own point of view. Not gonna bother you with details of my BU, if you want to read about it, I'll post the link to my own thread down at the end of this post.

 

My advice and personal experience is continue to fake it. I get that everyone around you is telling you to 'move on' already', I've been there and now, I only talk about this with my father, a psychologist that I attend to, and here with you guys. I don't know if it helps to move on to continue to think about this, but I just can't get to feel indifference about her, simply because it was such a long and special relationship, so I get how you're feeling.

 

I guess that we learn to live like this... and eventually the 'faking it' becomes real. You haven't realized this... but you are now able to at least fake a smile, and you pretend to have a good time with your friends. When my BU was still fresh I wasn't able to laugh at comedies or some things like that. I think that faking it, is in itself a strategy to feel better... at least you're thinking about 'fake the smile', 'pretend you're having a good time', 'don't let it show that you're sad'... I know these thoughts connect to your BU, and your ex... but at least it's something different.

 

I also get the wish of getting the text 'I screwed things up, I miss you, let's give it another shot'. I know how you feel and I continue to think and wish for it, but we need to be prepared to not ever getting this. People tell me that it's better we don't get it, and the reason they give is 'you don't want to be the second choice of someone'... I know that you'll think that you don't mind (even if he didn't left you for someone specifically, he's looking out there), I don't know if this makes me less of a man, or makes you less of a woman... the point is, I know the feeling. The real thinking you need to do is 'do I really miss him' or 'do I miss being in a relationship?' You want him to come back because you miss him? or you wished he just realized what a special human being you are, and that you didn't deserve this treatment? do you want this because of your ego? or all of the above options?. Again, these are the same thoughts that go trough my mind.

 

I don't have a straight answer... nobody here has it... nobody in the world has it. What you can get from all of the experiences here, and what seems to be how the world works... ironically, your ex comes back the moment you don't really want them and have moved on completely. You're probably thinking right now that you would take him back the moments he reaches out to you (if he ever does!)... please, don't take him back immediately, I don't think you should make him suffer or anything like that, but please, in case it happens, make him work for it, or he's gonna think he can do this to you all over again.

 

Anyhow, it's not healthy to be expecting to get that kind of repentance from an ex... we need to find in our lives another kind of hope, another kind of objective, to live our lives as if this never happened, learn from it and apply it to a new more fulfilling relationship. I wish you the best of luck Virgin, you can read my thread if you want, maybe it can help you to read other stories and to think about something different.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/464609-gf-5-years-called-quits

 

Thank you so much. It helps a lot to know there are others going through the same thing, and that I'm not crazy for not moving on already. I guess you're right, at the beginning, I couldn't even fake a smile! I hope it gets better for everyone here. I am hopeful and will remain in No Contact. Even if I have to suffer for the rest of my life, at least my dignity and self-respect will remain intact.

[4everalones]

I kind of gave in, and asked a friend to find out what he's up to (and make sure he's doesn't ever find out). Anyway, she told me that he's a total mess, that his problems (which were the reason we broke up) are even worse now, that he's not doing well and all he does is sit home alone all the time. His family is pushing him to get some therapy or at least hangout with friends but no one was able to reach out to him. He's also still in the same job where he gets abused every day, and is unable to find a job.

 

Now I feel even more terrible. I feel like I should be there for him and support him. But at the same time he was the one who pushed me away and told me that he needs to be alone to "focus on his problems". I am not sure what to do or how to handle this situation what do you guys think?

 

He had suicidal thoughts a few weeks before he dumped me. I feel like I'll never forgive myself for staying away if he ever commits suicide or harms himself. A friend told me that depressed people want to be left alone, but we shouldn't stay away nonetheless. But then I tried to be there for him and he pushed me away. I don't want to reach out just to be faced with rejection again!

 

I'm so conflicted now and don't know what to do

[Virgin26]

The past few weeks, I found myself imagining conversations with the ex and making up scenarios in my mind. Sometimes it's about me rejecting him, blaming him for just leaving me and hurting me, and sometimes it's about us being together again. It's talking over my life these past few days. Please tell me I'm not going crazy :-(

 

I have so many unanswered questions, and I can't stop my mind from analyzing what happened and how I could have prevented it. How could someone who loved you for so long just turn their back on you and leave? how could someone talk about marriage and kids and suddenly throw you away like garbage? How can no contact be so easy for him when we communicated constantly? So many question, and no answers at all.

 

Weekends are so hard! I push myself to go out and have "fun". But all I think of is how much fun I would have if he's there. I met so many men after him, but I just don't feel any connection or attraction to any of them. I feel like I'll never feel the way I felt towards him for anyone else. This whole thing is so desperate, so painful, so ugly.

 

I am working at least 10 hours a day, working out for 2 hrs daily, and he's camping in the back of my mind the whole freaking time. Even when I'm performing complex tasks I find myself thinking about him at the same time. How is that even possible? I really feel like I'm losing my mind, and losing control over my life.

 

I'm struggling with no contact. But thankfully my ego has woken up and is preventing me from making a fool out of myself. I guess that's a good thing. I am just tired of living this internal struggle every single day. It's been too long, and I'm just exhausted.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Virgin26
typos

[Virgin26]

The worst thing is that I got dumped for no one. This man would rather be alone than be with me. Am I that bad? wow!!! Big hit to the already fragile self-esteem

[inlin]

The worst thing is that I got dumped for no one. This man would rather be alone than be with me. Am I that bad? wow!!! Big hit to the already fragile self-esteem

 

I think about that as well. I got dumped and don't know if there is someone else or not. I wouldn't know whats worse, if she left me for another guy or just to be alone : /

[Strength in Healing]

The worst thing is that I got dumped for no one. This man would rather be alone than be with me. Am I that bad? wow!!! Big hit to the already fragile self-esteem

 

 

The reality is, he may have gotten with someone else. None of us truly know. There is no way for you to truly know. It could be a long distance relationship where they spend the majority of time talking to each other on skype.

 

Does this reality feel better than for him to have left you for no one?

 

The reason this hurts so bad IS because your self-esteem is so low. It's time to start really working on yourself. That doesn't mean going to the gym. That means introspection. Writing things down. Realizing and accepting you feel certain ways, and then taking real steps to change them.

[Virgin26]

The reality is, he may have gotten with someone else. None of us truly know. There is no way for you to truly know. It could be a long distance relationship where they spend the majority of time talking to each other on skype.

 

Does this reality feel better than for him to have left you for no one?

 

The reason this hurts so bad IS because your self-esteem is so low. It's time to start really working on yourself. That doesn't mean going to the gym. That means introspection. Writing things down. Realizing and accepting you feel certain ways, and then taking real steps to change them.

 

We have too many friends in common and I'm 100% sure he didn't leave for someone else. He lost his job and didn't feel like a "real man". He needed to retrieve to his cave and work on his problems!! I could have helped him, but he just pushed me away!!

 

But you're right, it shouldn't matter. What really matters is that "he doesn't want to be with me"! and each day that passes, he's making a decision to remain away. It hurts so bad! How do you ever get over someone you love so much?! Someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. I am working on my self-esteem. Writing on LS instead of contacting him and reading a ton of self-help books. He told me that he'll give me space to deal with my feelings and that I can contact him when I'm ready. But to be honest, I really wish he'd contact me. I just miss him a lot

[Strength in Healing]

How do you ever get over someone you love so much?! Someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with.

 

 

By realizing the guy YOU loved is not the guy he is.

 

If he was the guy you fell in love with, in reality, then he wouldn't have done this.

 

THIS is who he really is and always has been. Someone who has no issue hurting you. Running from you. Pushing you away.

 

That isn't someone you want to put on a pedestal like you have. It isn't hard to find someone much better than that...

[Virgin26]

By realizing the guy YOU loved is not the guy he is.

 

If he was the guy you fell in love with, in reality, then he wouldn't have done this.

 

THIS is who he really is and always has been. Someone who has no issue hurting you. Running from you. Pushing you away.

 

That isn't someone you want to put on a pedestal like you have. It isn't hard to find someone much better than that...

 

I need to print that and keep reading it every day. Perhaps it will help! I try to force myself to think of the few fights we had, but all I can think of is the good memories.

 

He knew how much I loved him, and he still chose to be alone. That should be enough reason for me to move on! It sucks that I'm still in love with a man who left me for no real reasons!!!!

[Luua]

Dear Virgin26,

 

I'm going through the same thing. 2 months after the breakup, 60 days of NC, and all I got was a bunch of breadcrumbs that didn't lead me anywhere. I never answered and I think about replying the whole time. I regret everything and take all the blame when I know I shouldn't. I can't think of anything else. I practically stopped eating and lost more than 5 kg. I dream terrible things every night. There's days I feel I'm dying on the inside, that I lost 'the light' he said I had. My self-esteem is practically non existant.

 

However, I started therapy (which I strongly recommend for you too). Twice a week. As my friends and family are getting tired of listening the same old story every day. At least in therapy I do cry, and I do speak about it, and for a moment I realize that there's actually light at the end of the tunnel. It will take time, and 2 months (as well as 4 months in your case) is nothing, nothing when you invested that much on a relationship and you loved deeply. I think it takes far more than that and we just have to be patient.

 

Another thing I've started doing recently, which does me well, is meditation. As awkward as it sounds (I'm not this kind of person) it helps you control your mind and with a little time I know it will help me control what I'm thinking. I know it's a healthy way to impose your brain over your body, if, in your case sometimes you get to feel even physically ill (which has been my case so far). It helps you live in the present and slowly let go of the past.

 

In my case, my problem is that I feel very lonely. I have friends and I'm a very social person, but all of them are in a relationship and rarely go out anymore. So I get coffees with them but don't get out to meet new people. This thing is killing me on the inside, 'cause it's exactly what I needed. If you have someone to go out with, stick to that. Have fun and forget about yourself and you'll forget about him at least for a few hours.

 

Another thing that might do well is writing a journal (you'll be amazed, as time goes by, how your mindset has changed) and maybe get a book or two to improve your self-esteem and slowly let go.

 

Think that anyways, the only way to get an exboyfriend back is to be yourself, the REAL you. Think that when you heal, you're gonna be that same person with renewed self-esteem and you'll have gone through all this. You'll be the improved, wise 2.0 version of yourself. It helps me think that, if I ever see or talk to my ex when I get to that point (and probably I won't care anymore) I'll have a reason to feel proud of myself.

 

Remember: one step at a time. Some people take weeks, but people like us take longer. But we'll make it. Be strong. Take care of yourself and the rest will notice the same thing too. Change your mindset one step at a time. Don't punish yourself: you might have done wrong, but you did right as well. Your ex knows that. You know that. So don't be harsh.

 

As my therapist told me: "stop seeing yourself the way you THINK he sees you". You are not what you think he thinks you are (no one, a zero, whatever you may call it). Recover your identity and you'll get what you want afterwards. And believe me, at some point he'll see that and you won't even care.

 

I know I will too.

[Virgin26]

I started therapy (which I strongly recommend for you too). Twice a week. As my friends and family are getting tired of listening the same old story every day. At least in therapy I do cry, and I do speak about it, and for a moment I realize that there's actually light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thanks a lot for your advice. I hope it gets better eventually, because right now, all I see is darkness (and my ex with the sun shinning out of his arse).

 

I'm considering therapy as well. This is not normal and I feel so exhausted and emotionally drained. Everyone around me got sick of it and they just want the old bubbly version back.

 

I am so angry at myself because he didn't deliberately hurt me. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, and it's his prerogative of course. So why am I so hung up on someone who doesn't want me? It's just utterly pathetic. The only good this about this situation is that I no longer let him know how much I'm hurting. It's the only power I have left!

[FredJones80]

The past few weeks, I found myself imagining conversations with the ex and making up scenarios in my mind. Sometimes it's about me rejecting him, blaming him for just leaving me and hurting me, and sometimes it's about us being together again. It's talking over my life these past few days. Please tell me I'm not going crazy :-(

 

I have so many unanswered questions, and I can't stop my mind from analyzing what happened and how I could have prevented it. How could someone who loved you for so long just turn their back on you and leave? how could someone talk about marriage and kids and suddenly throw you away like garbage? How can no contact be so easy for him when we communicated constantly? So many question, and no answers at all.

 

Weekends are so hard! I push myself to go out and have "fun". But all I think of is how much fun I would have if he's there. I met so many men after him, but I just don't feel any connection or attraction to any of them. I feel like I'll never feel the way I felt towards him for anyone else. This whole thing is so desperate, so painful, so ugly.

 

I am working at least 10 hours a day, working out for 2 hrs daily, and he's camping in the back of my mind the whole freaking time. Even when I'm performing complex tasks I find myself thinking about him at the same time. How is that even possible? I really feel like I'm losing my mind, and losing control over my life.

 

I'm struggling with no contact. But thankfully my ego has woken up and is preventing me from making a fool out of myself. I guess that's a good thing. I am just tired of living this internal struggle every single day. It's been too long, and I'm just exhausted.

 

Everything you say mirrors my situation, EVERYTHING.

[Virgin26]

Everything you say mirrors my situation, EVERYTHING.

 

ha! well at least now we know we're not that crazy and there are other people going through the same.

[Virgin26]

I had a dream yesterday that my ex and I were back together. Everything was nice like it used to be, and I was very happy! I woke up alone in my apartment with a painful feeling in my chest. When is this torture ever going to stop? every song reminds me of us, even pieces of furniture in my apartment remind me of him. He helped me set up everything when I moved, he was always there for me, he was my one and only. I never felt this way towards anyone and I don't think I ever will. I am still so sad and broken after all these months, the memories are haunting me every day. I feel dead inside, I feel exhausted.

 

I was so strong with no contact since I started, and I never looked back or broke it. I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I'm not so sure. I have this irresistible urge to reach out to him. I need to hear his voice and laugh like we used to. Even after the breakup he was so gracious through this whole thing, it made me feel worse. I hate not having answers, I hate this wall of silence that we put between us, and I hate not being attracted to anyone else but him.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. It's not getting better, and my love for this man is as strong as ever!!!

[Virgin26]

OK, I was thinking of sending a short email. I know it's against no contact, but it's not like I will be begging him or anything. I just wanted to check up on him. Something like "hey, long time no see. How are you doing? and how's the job search?. Hope everything's going well". How does that sound to you?

[Elle1975]

OK, I was thinking of sending a short email. I know it's against no contact, but it's not like I will be begging him or anything. I just wanted to check up on him. Something like "hey, long time no see. How are you doing? and how's the job search?. Hope everything's going well". How does that sound to you?

 

It sounds like a very bad idea. It makes me think about another post "thinking about sending her a letter, just not a typical one".

 

You find way to rationalize your thought on the matter. Truth is, don't do it. It will look like you're reaching out. It will NOT look like you've moved on and "just want to catch" up.

 

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.

[Virgin26]

It sounds like a very bad idea. It makes me think about another post "thinking about sending her a letter, just not a typical one".

 

You find way to rationalize your thought on the matter. Truth is, don't do it. It will look like you're reaching out. It will NOT look like you've moved on and "just want to catch" up.

 

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.

 

I just really want to catch up because I miss him and I'm so sick of this silence. It's not like I will tell him that I miss him, and want him back. I don't see how a simple email can do any damage. It's really not like me to ignore people, and no contact has been the hardest thing I ever had to do I want us to be able to catch up and be "friendly" to each other again!