Naive or Insecure?

[whichwayisup]

So, I'm very confused and not sure what to think. I'll try to keep it short.

 

Our marriage has been kind of rocky. We don't argue all the time and there's no physical violence, but we have our disagreements. What married couple doesn't though, right?

 

She's always been one to have male friends and I've been ok about it. Sometimes I give her a hard time, but when push comes to shove she does what she wants. IMO, I have good reasons to give her a hard time. 5 years ago were going through a tough time, but we weren't separated. I caught her having cyber sex with 2 different men. I know she never met them because I could see they lived out of state. Well, she could have, but I don't think so. Anyway, when I confront her about the cyber and male friends in general she always gives me the same "I hate this jealousy stuff".

 

She always claims that she needs to get out of the house for a little while because she's stressed over family issues on her side. She was always one to get home at 5-6am when she goes out, which sometimes is 1-2 per week.

 

A few months back, she met a male friend on the internet. Also something she's does a lot, so it doesn't get to me anymore. She started hanging out at his house often, claiming they are only friends and they are helping each other cope with family issues they are having. She had a death in the family like 8 months ago. She would hang out there and get home early morning, but she also has another guy friend that she does the same thing with.

 

One time I asked this person's name and she got angry at me and said that he trusts me and I can't give his personal information. At this point she goes back into me being too jealous and I need to be secure and all that. Then she goes into that she's hanging out with him for business purposes. She has no business, but says she wants to start one.

 

Anyway, here we are 3-4 months later and she doesn't really hang out with him anymore. But, now she met someone else she's becoming friends with and that is also for "business purposes", but a totally different type of business. She hasn't stayed out late yet with this guy.

 

Man, there is so much stuff I'm leaving out. Maybe questions will help me get everything better.

 

What does everyone think? What should I do?

 

My question is and yours should be too - Why is she spending so much time with men? She is your wife and it's totally inappropriate for her to be at some guy's house, let alone a guy she met off the internet. Have you met any of these so called friends?

 

It's just wrong. She needs women friends to hang out with, not tons of guys. Sure it's nice to have opposite sex friends but she is actively looking for men and making them friends. It's a huge red flag! Is she insecure? Need the ego fed by many guys?

 

Eventually if she hasn't yet, she's gonna cheat on you. Put your foot down and tell her she needs to act like a committed wife and start going out together as a couple. Go on date nights, have fun and show her she doesn't need any other guy, just you!

[whichwayisup]

I agree with you that I can only blame myself for being in this situation. I can't debate that. Even though I can't prove it, I also believe it's very likely she has cheated on me. Believe it or not, during all this, we do still have a good sex life...I think. That's one of the reasons I'm torn whether I'm just being a jealous and insecure man, or I have a legitimate gripe.

 

We have one child, a condo and other marital property.

 

There must be something wrong with me. I know that sometimes she disrespects me and our marriage by doing these things but I'm still not sure what to do.

 

She will continue this behaviour because you let her and allow it to happen. Stand up for yourself and put your foot down. Otherwise she is going to give you an STD.

 

You have every right to be jealous and concerned about this. Imagine if it was you hanging out with random women at all hours of the night, coming home at 3am. Trust me, your wife would NOT put up with it!! Don't be afraid of confrontation, or of losing her. She isn't acting like a wife at all. She is not a teen either yet she's acting like one.

[whichwayisup]

I think I need to see a therapist. She always brings it back to something I did wrong. She will always bring up an incident from more than 10 years ago. We were out at a bar and got a little drunk. We got into an argument and I used some bad words. I apologized like crazy and she still brings it up to this day. Bad words and more than 10 years ago. That's really only one of the few things she constantly brings up. I never cheated on her or even gave her any reason to be jealous. We even have sex more than most couples. Sometimes I think she's only with me for the financial stability. She doesn't work and pretty much sleeps until the afternoon most days.

 

This is her way of deflecting any responsibility of what she's doing. She is gas lighting you, very well might I add. She has you on a string, makes this all your fault! When in fact what she is doing and all her choices are hers and HER fault, not yours.

 

So she is justifying herself by using something stupid that happened 10 years ago? That's crazy and you can't put up with it anymore.

 

Please do counseling and sort this out, get strong so you can confront her and make her understand that she has a choice, can stay and be a wife and a mother or she can pack a bag and leave.

[oldshirt]

what would be completely unacceptable to you and cause you to cut her off, divorce her and move on with your own life without her?

[fellini]

This is the most immature way to deal with suspicion I have seen in my entire life.

 

Here is a wonderful 17 minute film about what happens when you operate in that mode:

 

You Need To See This 17-Minute Film Set Entirely On A Teen's Computer Screen | Co.Create | creativity + culture + commerce

 

 

 

The amount of red flagetry with this one! If every Chinese person held their national flag up high, there would be far less red flags than what your wife is showing right now.

 

File for divorce. You will have two outcomes, of which both will be beneficial to you.

 

Outcome 1: she accepts the D, you know where you stand and move on to someone who will love you and cherish you.

 

Outcome 2: she finally sees how serious this issue is and pleads you to stay, you both go to MC amd IC.

 

Seriously, don't put up with this bull. Cyber sex would have been enough for me to walk away.

[fellini]

Until I was about 30 I only hung out with women friends. Men were mostly a-holes and not worth hanging out with. I don't ever recalling that on those nights it was obliged that I have sex with any one of them. I just enjoyed being out with them, drinking, talking, laughing.

 

Unless you were there with his wife, and you remember that night her sneaking off with a guy for a f--k, maybe you should think twice about what you believe is the "truth".

 

IS it possible she cheated? Sure, why not.

Is it possible she didn't cheat? Sure, why not.

 

My wife cheated on me, but she didn't spend a single night out with a guy. She never "cheated" on me after 6 pm. Ever.

 

You think this woman is so stupid that if she spends the night with some guys and decides to screw them, she ISN'T thinking my husband will know? If she wants to cheat, without her husband knowing it she will do it while he is at work.

 

Maybe she is, maybe she is not. You don't know ANYTHING for certain.

[GreySpace]

After reading some of these posts I have many emotions flowing. I feel angry, stupid, and weak. She confuses me very much. Like I said, we still have sex regularly and she still gives me affection. It's not like she's a cold bitch to me, because she isn't. Most of our fights are over her social life and her spending habits. Part of me does feel bad for her because I really believe she has some mental issues. There's so much more information I don't even no what to write.

 

Maybe it's me that's messed up in the head. I'm starting to believe I'm screwed up and that's why I have a marriage like this.

[oldshirt]

 

Maybe it's me that's messed up in the head. I'm starting to believe I'm screwed up and that's why I have a marriage like this.

 

 

Sometimes people that are very kind, compassionate, respectful and honest have a very hard time seeing the badness, lies, deciet and disrespect and manipulations in other people.

 

At bare minimum you have been very naive, inappropriately trusting and have failed to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries and as a result she has taken advantage of you and walked all over you.

 

Where you have failed the most is in simply believing what she tells you without seeking the truth.

 

You need to discover and be aware of the reality before you can make an informed decision on what to do about it.

 

Stop asking her!!!! She simply lies and covers her tracks. Find out for yourself what's taking place while she is out untill 6 am.

 

Install key loggers in her computers. Hack her emails, Facebook etc. Get phone records of all her txts and phone calls. Go through her drawers, purse, car etc like a detective looking for evidence. Go to Radio Shack a get a few voice activated recorders and put in her car, bedroom and other areas she may talk to people or meet them. Hire a PI to follow her when she goes out and report on what she is doing and who she is doing it with.

 

DON'T let on you are on to her or know that you are doing this. She probably isn't even trying to cover her tracks at this point and you don't want her to go underground or hide what she is doing.

 

You need to find out with your own eyes and ears what she is doing. You have been doing a good job of kidding yourself and not facing reality. It's going to to hurt and you are going to be thunderstorm but you simply have to lift the fog and find out what's really taking place.

 

There is simply no way that she is not behaving inappropriately. You have just been so naive and blind to it and have been lied to for so long you can't grasp it yet.

 

This is going to hurt and going to disrupt your life but you have to know the true state of your marriage and need to know the kind of person your spouse really is.

[Try]

She confuses me very much. Like I said, we still have sex regularly and she still gives me affection. It's not like she's a cold bitch to me, because she isn't. Most of our fights are over her social life and her spending habits.

Her giving you sex and affection does not mean that she is not cheating on you. She is a cake eater that is getting to have both a husband that is loyal to her while getting other men on the side. She will reward you for letting her cheat by being nice to you, so that when you try to object to her cheating social life she has something to take away from you (her being nice).

 

Part of me does feel bad for her because I really believe she has some mental issues.

This is you making excuses for her bad behavior so that you do not have to hold her responsible.

 

Maybe it's me that's messed up in the head. I'm starting to believe I'm screwed up and that's why I have a marriage like this.

This is you making excuses for you letting her cheat so that you do not have to hold yourself responsible.

 

Hold her responsible for her cheating and yourself responsible for allowing her cheating by taking action now. Tell her that she is no longer allowed to have opposite sex friends that are not friends of the marraige that you also know, and that she is no longer allowed to have one on one time with them until late at night. Tell her that there must be complete transparency in the marriage that includes both of you sharing all passwords to all accounts without complaint as well as full access to each others computers and phones. If she will not agree to this, tell her that you will file for divorce so that you can find someone that knows what marraige is about and that will not cheat on you. You do not have to live like this. There is someone out there for you that will respect both you and your marraige.

[RightThere]

Part of me does feel bad for her because I really believe she has some mental issues. There's so much more information I don't even no what to write.

 

Bingo. You, sir, are a white knight trying to save your damsel in distress. She's had a very hard life, I'm sure. And you are the only person who "truly" understands her. Without you, she'd probably go off the rails and not be able to function.

 

Getting warm?

 

She is a taker in your relationship. You are a giver. The pendulum has swung sooooo far, all she does is take more and more from your relationship. You get a few nuggets of sex here and there, but she's draining your emotional banks dry.

 

Maybe it's me that's messed up in the head. I'm starting to believe I'm screwed up and that's why I have a marriage like this.

 

You are messed up. You can't see what is happening right infront of you. And she's helped to make you messed up. She does terrible things to you, and somehow the two of you twist it around so that it becomes your fault. And she has no fault because of her "hard life".

 

You probably feel low, but I'll be honest and tell you that you've still got a lot lower to sink before you realize how bad the situation is. You could take some of the advice here and confront her, grow a pair, and lay down what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable. But I can tell you are not there yet.

 

So for now, keep posting. The more you write about what you see and how you are perceiving it, hopefully the more it will open your eyes.

 

Good luck

[fellini]

Maybe you should dedicate more quality time getting a grasp on the real situation of your marriage, of yourself and especially this woman who is walking out the door a couple times a week and you havent the faintest idea precisely what she is doing out there.

 

You post your doubts in an infidelity thread and you get what you pay for: free advice telling you in no uncertain terms she is cheating on you. Unless you do some real digging you will not know the truth. On top of that you two have a relationship that is completly unsustainable: for both of you.

 

If you want to fix this, you need to change something at home. Figure out what needs to be changed for you, and do it. If there is any chance that you will be successful, it will only come when one of you changes something about the way things are currently being done.

 

It makes good sense to keep the LS community informed, but expecting more insight here is unlikely to occur without new details.

[Darren Steez]

She's banging other people then coming home and banging you or maybe it's a few days later..but disease doesn't have an expiry period. This is the reality of what you could be possibly dealing with, and it's very real.

 

She doesn't confuse you at all. You've pointed out the red flags about her social life and spending..what exactly have you done about this?

 

You allow a grown woman to spend time at another man's house she met on the internet? What exactly did you do about that?

 

You're neither naive nor insecure. Many names come to mind, nice guy, man lacking n*ts etc etc.

 

Stop being weak, this is your life.

 

What sites is she meeting these men on?

 

What business does she run, that she needs to meet this guy?

 

Again why are you allowing this? You know what is happening yet you bury your head in the sand.

[AjisenHi]

Ok. Let's take the focus off both of you and place your child in focus.

 

Child.

 

Mom goes off twice a week somewhere with a stranger for sleepovers. I don't know where she goes. Dad doesn't know where she goes. But they seem ok with it. Can't wait till I get to go on sleepovers too without telling them where I go or who I go with.

 

They are the coolest parents EVER.

 

NOT.

[No Limit]

There must be something wrong with me. I know that sometimes she disrespects me and our marriage by doing these things but I'm still not sure what to do.

 

Yes, you never set any boundaries and now it's paying off. She most certainly won't be a faithful only-loves-her-husband wife, she's actually actively fishing for opportunities. Luckily for you she hasn't found one or else she'd be long gone.

 

No offense, but this doesn't sound like a marriage. An open marriage in which one partner is already half-past the exit perhaps, but little more than that.

Do I have to say that she's a serial-cheater or is that obvious enough?

[BetrayedH]

Don't let yourself think that regular sex means she's not cheating.

 

I went thru about 7 years of what most would consider a sexless marriage (it all started immediately after my wife got pregnant with our first child). I nearly lost my mind and tried everything I could to put a spark into our relationship. Nothing worked. Suddenly after all of those years of hearing that she just didn't have a sex drive, things went from once every 2 months to twice a week. I thought my perseverence and patience had paid off and that we had finally turned a corner, probably due to a hormonal change taking place in her late 30s. Things stayed this way for over a year. I was elated. The few friends I spoke with about it were jealous.

 

But (yep, you guessed it), she was having an affair for that entire year. Some married affair partners ramp down the sex at home (feeling like they are cheating on their affair partner by sleeping with their spouse), some make no changes at all, and some ramp it up.

 

Why did my wife have more sex with me during her affair? There's a few reasons. (1) She felt guilty that she was having sex twice a week with someone while I would be getting nothing at home. By having sex with me, at least she didn't feel I was being deprived for being faithful. (2) I think the affair ramped up her sex drive. (3) She and her AP initially bonded by discussing their troubled marriages. They never planned to leave their spouses but to fulfull their own needs and even counsel each other while they worked on their marriages. My wife actually told me that she would ask the OM if he'd had sex with his wife that week and if not, she'd scold him. Go figure, right? "Wow, you really should be trying harder with your wife and have sex with her more often if you want to fix your marriage. Can you get this zipper for me?" (4) Stopping sex entirely probably would have been a red flag. By having sex with me at home, I didn't suspect another man at all. (5) I think she liked the idea of getting laid by two different men on the same day. Nice, huh?

 

Anyway, my point is that your wife having sex with you at home doesn't remotely mean that she's not having an affair. Don't let that blind you.

Edited April 16, 2014 by BetrayedH

[ThatMan]

Assuming your values are a bit traditional...

 

You've been incredibly naive for marrying a woman who engages in cyber sex during a relationship. You're incredibly naive for not allowing her antics to 'get to you' anymore. You're incredibly naive for believing this is your own fault because something is wrong with you.

 

You should have hopefully come to understand that her actions are not acceptable. What do you plan to with this knowledge?

[Friskyone4u]

I think by now if you have read all the posts back to you it should be pretty clear to you what the pretty much unanimous opinion is:

(1) your wife is cheating on you like crazy with other men

(2) for some unknown reason you have been a some kind of daze or denial

(3) it shows no sign of stopping

(4) you are being played for a fool

The big question now is what are you going to do. We are all probably waiting for the answer to that one. If u continue with what you are doing now, you can ask for advice here until the next century and it will not help you

No one can fix this but you and you alone.

I know it is hard but you must stop trying to rationalize it and start dealing with it.

I am sure if you do that you will get a lot of support here. Otherwise we are all just scratching our heads in disbelief

[fellini]

You came into a forum filled with betrayed M and you ask us what you should do about a situation in which you give very clear details about the comings and goings of your W but nothing concrete about what she is doing.

 

If you find yourself between naive or confused, and you love this woman, how is it possible that complete and utter strangers can tell you, and most of them have, that Your S in no uncertain terms IS BANGING THESE GUYS?

 

IMHO it would be more prudent to takee their posts as suspicion, not fact.

I'lll say it again: is she screwing these men? MAYBE (how can anyone here know that without knowing the full character of your W and the way the two of you have established (or not) boundaries?)

 

What should you do?

Act on the suspicion. Get to the bottom of it.

 

Attempt to change the marriage to one you can live with. If this is not going to work...

 

Leave her if you feel there is no chance of getting her to recognise the effects her comings and goings are having on you and thus the marriage: this is not a threat so much as a recognition that the two of you have very different ideas about how the future together will be, and the best thing for you and for her is to seek out partners who meet those expectations. Let her find a man who has no problem with her movements and you find one who shows respect and desire to pass those hours with you over someone they hooked up with on internet.

 

If you take the suspicions those here have declared as fact, without actually knowing, then you will get no where with her you havent already got. She will deny either because its true or because she can.

 

Ask yourself: If I knew that nothing was actually go on in these late night visits, would every thing be A OK? SO act on what you know, not on what a bunch of strangers are telling you has happened based on a 200 word description of you spouse.

 

 

 

 

 

So, I'm very confused and not sure what to think. I'll try to keep it short.

 

Our marriage has been kind of rocky. We don't argue all the time and there's no physical violence, but we have our disagreements. What married couple doesn't though, right?

 

She's always been one to have male friends and I've been ok about it. Sometimes I give her a hard time, but when push comes to shove she does what she wants. IMO, I have good reasons to give her a hard time. 5 years ago were going through a tough time, but we weren't separated. I caught her having cyber sex with 2 different men. I know she never met them because I could see they lived out of state. Well, she could have, but I don't think so. Anyway, when I confront her about the cyber and male friends in general she always gives me the same "I hate this jealousy stuff".

 

She always claims that she needs to get out of the house for a little while because she's stressed over family issues on her side. She was always one to get home at 5-6am when she goes out, which sometimes is 1-2 per week.

 

A few months back, she met a male friend on the internet. Also something she's does a lot, so it doesn't get to me anymore. She started hanging out at his house often, claiming they are only friends and they are helping each other cope with family issues they are having. She had a death in the family like 8 months ago. She would hang out there and get home early morning, but she also has another guy friend that she does the same thing with.

 

One time I asked this person's name and she got angry at me and said that he trusts me and I can't give his personal information. At this point she goes back into me being too jealous and I need to be secure and all that. Then she goes into that she's hanging out with him for business purposes. She has no business, but says she wants to start one.

 

Anyway, here we are 3-4 months later and she doesn't really hang out with him anymore. But, now she met someone else she's becoming friends with and that is also for "business purposes", but a totally different type of business. She hasn't stayed out late yet with this guy.

 

Man, there is so much stuff I'm leaving out. Maybe questions will help me get everything better.

 

What does everyone think? What should I do?

[BHsigh]

What should you do?

Act on the suspicion.

 

I have to concur on this point, you need to act on this. Var, key logger, find a friend to baby sit while you follow her or hire a PI. Check her phone as often as you can.

 

While it is true that we can't say 100% that she's having an affair, I think that it's safe to say that her actions are sure pointing in that direction. After reasonable fact gathering, if you don't find any evidence, you need to sit down with her and have her end this sleep over thing that she's doing, you obviously aren't comfortable with it, really, who would be?

[fellini]

If knowing is what motivates you, then you can try installing a GPS on her smartphone. There is also an app that allows you to monitor her calls, even activate the microphone and listen to what she is saying even if she is not using it. But for me this means you are already half way out the door because you cannot find an agreement between the two of you about her activities.

 

If you are not okay with her partying, either get her to stop and work on the relationship, or let that ship sail and look for something better for yourself on terra firma.

 

 

I have to concur on this point, you need to act on this. Var, key logger, find a friend to baby sit while you follow her or hire a PI. Check her phone as often as you can.

 

While it is true that we can't say 100% that she's having an affair, I think that it's safe to say that her actions are sure pointing in that direction. After reasonable fact gathering, if you don't find any evidence, you need to sit down with her and have her end this sleep over thing that she's doing, you obviously aren't comfortable with it, really, who would be?

[GreySpace]

You came into a forum filled with betrayed M and you ask us what you should do about a situation in which you give very clear details about the comings and goings of your W but nothing concrete about what she is doing.

 

If you find yourself between naive or confused, and you love this woman, how is it possible that complete and utter strangers can tell you, and most of them have, that Your S in no uncertain terms IS BANGING THESE GUYS?

 

IMHO it would be more prudent to takee their posts as suspicion, not fact.

I'lll say it again: is she screwing these men? MAYBE (how can anyone here know that without knowing the full character of your W and the way the two of you have established (or not) boundaries?)

 

What should you do?

Act on the suspicion. Get to the bottom of it.

 

Attempt to change the marriage to one you can live with. If this is not going to work...

 

Leave her if you feel there is no chance of getting her to recognise the effects her comings and goings are having on you and thus the marriage: this is not a threat so much as a recognition that the two of you have very different ideas about how the future together will be, and the best thing for you and for her is to seek out partners who meet those expectations. Let her find a man who has no problem with her movements and you find one who shows respect and desire to pass those hours with you over someone they hooked up with on internet.

 

If you take the suspicions those here have declared as fact, without actually knowing, then you will get no where with her you havent already got. She will deny either because its true or because she can.

 

Ask yourself: If I knew that nothing was actually go on in these late night visits, would every thing be A OK? SO act on what you know, not on what a bunch of strangers are telling you has happened based on a 200 word description of you spouse.

 

I think I want to get some proof that she did cheat. Even though she has already compromised our marriage with her actions, I still want to know for sure. She has a really good friend that she confided in over a 5-6 year period. They had a very bad falling out and no longer talk to each other. Before they stopped talking she even told me that she doesn't agree with what she does. Do you think it's a bad idea to call her? It's a simple way to get some truth without getting all Bo Dietl.

 

TBH, I'm prepared for the answers. It doesn't even faze me anymore when she leaves. I kiss our child good night, have a beer, mess around on my computer for a little while and go to sleep. I also want to be clear, the relationship (friends or lovers?) with that guy is over and she doesn't really go out anymore. We've had about 1-2 month period of no going out. But, there are phases to this. I expect that within the next 2-4 months there will be another period of going out 2-3 times per week. Remember, she actively seeks male friends on FB and Tango. I want to be 100% positive so I think I'm prepared to get a PI next time.

Edited April 17, 2014 by GreySpace

[BHsigh]

I think I want to get some proof that she did cheat. Even though she has already compromised our marriage with her actions, I still want to know for sure. She has a really good friend that she confided in over a 5-6 year period. They had a very bad falling out and no longer talk to each other. Before they stopped talking she even told me that she doesn't agree with what she does. Do you think it's a bad idea to call her? It's a simple way to get some truth without getting all Bo Dietl.

 

I support this, many people can't just drop a a suspicion like this, I know that I wouldn't be able to. It would haunt me forever.

 

Yes, call her old friend, that it a good source. It's even better that they had a falling out, as far as gathering information that is. Tell her your suspicions, but do not make it sound like you're unsure to her. Many people don't want to be the one that breaks the silence, if she thinks that you're fairly sure you will likely get information from her old friend more easily.

[fellini]

By all means call her and ask her if she has any information about what your wife has been doing behind your back.

 

What I think is the thing to avoid is getting only highly suggestive information. Information that is not clear and upon which you interpret what you think she is doing, and then MISTAKE YOUR INTERPRETATIONS AS FACTS.

 

Everything looks bad from the standpoint of her actions. But as you can see in this forum, it's almost the reverse of what things should be: Everyone here is telling you (minus only one or two) that she is GUILTY unless she proves herself INNOCENT.

 

For me that isn't a fair way to approach the problem. As I said, I used to party like that too. It has nothing to do, necessarily with infidelity. In those all night parties I was never trying to seduce or screw around. I enjoyed the lifestyle.

 

For me, asking her not to go out all night and party like she was 21 is enough to warrant a serious marriage forward / marriage over discussion. But that is me! The beauty of that is you do not have to prove ANYTHING. She cannot deny that she parties. You need it to stop. (This is not, "I don't like it", this is not "What are you doing over there anyhow", this is not "I wish you wouldn't stay out so long", this is not "who are you hanging with anyhow? why?" This is, "You stop this behaviour because it is not acceptable to me as long as you are my wife."

 

The other issue for me is that with so little about your relationship with her, I get the IMPRESSION (but yes, impressions are tricky), that you enabled this behaviour with her by your responses, by your laid back approach, or by allowing her to deflect it as merely about jealousy. If you allowed her to develop a habit that you didn't show strongly that it was inappropriate, and now you think it is, then the issue is to end it. That she did it because you never addressed it is not fair to lay the blame entirely on her.

 

She has to own what she did. But if you "approved" it through inaction on your part, then you have to own that too. Silence over something that should be a red flag can be interpreted by those who wish to as complicity with it. If you browse around you will see other posts, and in the infidelity literature about BS's who allowed their partners to indulge in internet porn (for example). "Okay, I knew about it...etc. I didn't ask it to stop". But who is going to monitor the slow shift from "infrequent consumption" to "addiction"? Who monitors the change from mild interest to emotional needs?

 

So today the question is what is the new contract between her and you going to be? The other stuff about the past, what she has done, only you know how you are going to get that info out. From what I understand, she isn't hanging with those other two men, but is now hanging with a third, although not late nights. So maybe this new guy is engaging in some sex, hence they don't draw attention to it by staying out all night! If my W spent the night out, I would ask some serious questions. But she is not so stupid as to think she can spend the night out and not have to answer to me. She knew the best way to have her affair was to do it between 3-6 pm when I thought she was working at the university.

 

Good luck finding out the truths you need. Also, now would be a good time for you to think about what you want to do IF it turns out you discover information that confirms your suspicion. The faster, and the easier you are able to end the relationship and not have to sit through her tears and sobbing and apologies and "I only ever loved you's" the better, IF FOR YOU INFIDELITY IS A DEAL-BREAKER.

 

For me it was not. So if infidelity is NOT a deal-breaker, then turn this marriage around today, instead of waiting for more information. You can always continue to play detective. But if your true desire is to stay in this marriage in spite of the truth, then you need to start to work on that now.

IMO of course.

 

 

 

 

I think I want to get some proof that she did cheat. Even though she has already compromised our marriage with her actions, I still want to know for sure. She has a really good friend that she confided in over a 5-6 year period. They had a very bad falling out and no longer talk to each other. Before they stopped talking she even told me that she doesn't agree with what she does. Do you think it's a bad idea to call her? It's a simple way to get some truth without getting all Bo Dietl.

Edited April 17, 2014 by fellini

[lolablue17]

I think I want to get some proof that she did cheat.

 

information about the past, and improving your marriage are two different things. You will probably have to go through 2 channels simultaneously.

 

Improve your marriage. Set boundries, gain some power (I suggested D papers but a strong un negotiable attitude might be enough), and tell her that you want to be part of her life and she cant refuse to invite anymore etc... If she wants to be a single and divorced - NO PROBLEM!

 

At the same time try to dig in the past. I think that the past is not important as the present or the future.

Edited April 17, 2014 by lolablue17

[RightThere]

At the same time try to dig in the past. I think that the past is not important as the present or the future.

 

I'd have to disagree that the past isn't as important.

 

If you two are going to try and work things out, you cannot rug sweep the past away. As a betrayed spouse, you will probably want to know a lot of what went on for a number of reasons. Not only will it help you to identify current behavior that might be following old bad habits, but it will hold your wife accountable as she won't be allowed to pretend those actions from her past didn't happen.

 

But OP, you are totally right. If she's in a lull right now, it's just temporary. She's between "friends" and will actively seek out a new friend.