feeling hurt... No ring in the near future

[And_rea]

Thanks again for all the posts... Things to think about.

 

Regarding mentioning my mum... I think (?) I only mentioned her once. I mentioned pressure from family/friends, but she is definitely not one of those sources. She's a very different mum... In that she has encouraged me to elope since I was young because she thinks weddings are just a hype, and she was actually asking yesterday why it is I feel marriage is important. She thinks that a commitment can be made without the marriage license and wedding. I think I've gotten my wedding/ring priorities from her (don't want to spend much on a wedding, and don't want a fancy ring) but I think that marriage is still something fundamentally important to me.

 

I don't think that proposing is the solution. He has made it very clear that yes, he does want marriage... But not right now.

 

He is actually from a different country... And I think some of his friends back home are married, and many are in long term relationships, but far fewer of them than my friends are married. I would say 75% of the girls I grew up with are married or engaged.

 

Another thing... Where I live, there are new laws regarding cohabitation. Essentially, after two years of living together, we have the same legal rights as a married couple with regards to splitting assets in the case of a separation. So yesterday he said that he sees buying a house as the next step in his commitment. I understand that, but I told him I am just not comfortable making a massive financial investment and throwing all my money into something with someone who is not ready to commit to me. Plus.. Right now we keep the majority of our income to ourselves and then have a joint account for housing expenses... We both are financially comfortable, but he makes significantly more than me, and I feel like it could become awkward to continue in our current situation. We both have discussed in the past that we think that when married, the money becomes "ours" (maybe some set aside for individual purchases), but that as a dating couple, it is not wise to pool money.

 

Atlg8r- yes we discussed both our expectations yesterday. As hard as it was for me, and as heartbreaking as I found it to hear that he's just not sure... I'm glad we had the talk. He told me he is madly in love with me and he is fairly certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but marriage was not on his radar, and he needs some more time to be certain since it is such a commitment. He doesn't want to be a divorce statistic

 

While I respect how he feels, and I am willing to give him time to be sure (I understand completely that it is a massive decision and don't want to rush that), I'm just not willing to wait and wait for him... And then have him decide that, actually, I'm not it. I can only invest so much of my time without some sort of commitment, and I told him that. I told him I'm not expecting marriage tomorrow, but that I will need some commitment... Some sort of acknowledgement that, yes, I am who he is going to spend the rest of his life with.

 

I was upset... And I tend to cry easily so tears were involved... And my mum thinks I've opened up a whole can of worms that I shouldn't have. She doesn't think I should have added that pressure. However, I don't regret the discussion, and I think it was important. He needs to know that I love him more than anything and that I know that I could spend my life with him. He has realized that if he wants to be with me, he needs to decide whether he can spend his life with me sometime soon. From what he said yesterday, it sounds like he really does want me to be it... House, kids, and growing old... But I think he is scared of that commitment. For whatever reason he feels he just needs a little more "proof" from living together that we are a team. I trust him. He is a great guy, with good intentions and morals. I truly believe that he would do anything not to hurt me... So I don't think he is just leading me on...

 

I also think that this conversation got the gears in motions and that if this is going to happen, it will happen much sooner than he had originally intended (the first discussion he mentioned 5+ years! and yesterday he was talking sometime in the next year).

 

I feel sad about the fact that he doesn't yet feel the same way, but I'm glad I laid it out on the table, and I know that he does love me and I feel fairly confident that something will come of it all. We are great, have such a healthy relationship, and love each other... He is just nervous. I am his first serious relationship.

[atlg8r]

Glad that you got some clarification. I will say that with my ex, we started dating when I was 26, and I broke everything off for good last year (I was 34). We were engaged once and lived together twice.

 

However, my fiance and I have only been dating six months, we are moving in together this month, getting married next and having a baby in September. LOL

 

So, while I agree you should have reasonable expectations based on your needs, I do believe things all work out for the best. Had it not been for my failed 7-year on again/off again relationship, I wouldn't have moved to the state where I met my fiance.

 

I hope things work out for you! I think the fact that you two can communicate about a serious issue is a good sign, at the least.

[And_rea]

I definitely agree that things will work out for the best. If we are meant to be, it will happen. I am strong believer that things happen for a reason and usually things fall into place in the end. Everything in my life has turned out that way. My boyfriend was brought into my life out of the blue in a strange way after a break up, and I do think we are meant to be, and have from the beginning but I guess only time will tell.

I do think we are a great couple and compliment each other very well. We just clicked from the beginning, personality wise, and we just "get" each other. We have a fabulous relationship and I don't want to lose that!

[Cynicalme]

So, you're going to continue to live with him, and do all things that wives (THE ONES!) do "while he figures out IF you're THE ONE!" Oh boy...time to move out. It's a common ploy. Don't buy the house. He can commit without a house. And no, it's not a stop toward commitment.

[And_rea]

I think I've already made my bed by moving in. Moving out now will only hurt the both of us. I think it would be seen as immaturity on my part, not having an issue with moving in and then suddenly, when I don't get my way, storming back out. It is expensive to move, and if I moved, he would have to. It would cause a lot of heartache and Could end the whole thing.

Plus, we have a dog together. Neither of us can handle a dog on our own with our shifts.

I made the decision to do this, and I have to face the consequences... But I really don't think moving out at this point will solve anything.

[tbf]

That's the problem with moving in together. You're stuck.

 

For certain, don't buy the house together unless you're married.

 

Also, make sure that cohab is two years for common law. In Canada, it's one full year of living together (no breaks).

[And_rea]

It must be different province to province, because it is definitely two years here.

Also... With regards to being "stuck"... Maybe, but I love living with him. It's the engagement part that will be my punishment if it doesn't pan out. Lesson learned the hardest way possible. Let's hope it ends ok.

[tbf]

It must be different province to province, because it is definitely two years here.

What does the Government of Canada consider to be a common-law relationship?

 

You may apply to sponsor a common-law partner, of the opposite sex or the same sex. If so, you have to prove you have been living with your partner for at least 12 consecutive months in a relationship like a marriage.

 

That means living together for one year without any long periods where you did not see each other. Either partner may have left the home for work or business travel, family obligations, and so on. However, that separation must have been temporary and short.

 

A common-law relationship ends when at least one partner does not intend to continue it.

 

 

What does the Government of Canada consider to be a common-law relationship?

[And_rea]

That appears to be for immigration at a federal level. My province has recently changed its common law rules with regards to splitting assets, etc.

[And_rea]

B.C.'s new family law means big changes for cohabitating couples | CTV News

[tbf]

We're both right.

 

CRA also abides by the twelve consecutive months.

 

Common-law partner

This applies to a person who is not your spouse, with whom you are living in a conjugal relationship, and to whom at least one of the following situations applies. He or she:

 

has been living with you in a conjugal relationship, and this relationship has lasted at least 12 continuous months;

is the parent of your child by birth or adoption; or

has custody and control of your child (or had custody and control immediately before the child turned 19 years of age) and your child is wholly dependent on that person for support.

Note: In this definition, 12 continuous months includes any period you were separated for less than 90 days because of a breakdown in the relationship.

 

 

Marital status - Questions and Answers

[Tayla]

As I read this post, a simple question and answer came to mind. The Guy is committed. Just not to the extent this little lass would like.

 

Be blessed that you are in a healthy relationship where you can come home to a man that loves you and has thru his ACTION proven he is commited. Some women "assume" things...Men really are action types...His actions have proven himself...stop asking him to jump thru more hoops to quall your "need" for marital vows. If he is your best friend and ally...things will work out. You are no where near marriage material though if you cannot compromise. Ultimatums are not compromising. learn to balance the relationship needs....Sure sounds like you have a good man.

[And_rea]

Tayla- I have a wonderful man and I am willing to compromise a bit in order to keep him. I do need the commitment, but at the same time, I can't imagine my life without him!

[Treasa]

Honey, if you can't talk to him about things like this, you won't be able to talk to him about much more important things in the future. You should be able to fully communicate with your partner. I can say anything to mine without any fear whatsoever, and that's one of the reasons why I'm with him.

 

Definitely do not buy a house with someone you aren't married to, and definitely set a personal goal in your mind. Now that you have clearly discussed this, he can't say you sprang it on him when, in six months or a year, you tell him time is up.

 

I think two and a half years is enough time. I think you're extremely young and should be in no rush, but the truth is that if this guy isn't the right one, you'll have to start all over again with someone new.

 

You don't have to get married right away. But definitely have a timetable in your mind, and stick to it.

[And_rea]

I'm not sure where I said I was uncomfortable talking to him... And while I appreciate any advice, telling me my relationship will end is hardly constructive. We have talked about this extensively, especially yesterday. We communicate well, but this was one thing we hadn't talked about. Now we have and we both know where we stand.

[Els]

Thanks again for all the posts... Things to think about.

 

Regarding mentioning my mum... I think (?) I only mentioned her once. I mentioned pressure from family/friends, but she is definitely not one of those sources. She's a very different mum... In that she has encouraged me to elope since I was young because she thinks weddings are just a hype, and she was actually asking yesterday why it is I feel marriage is important. She thinks that a commitment can be made without the marriage license and wedding. I think I've gotten my wedding/ring priorities from her (don't want to spend much on a wedding, and don't want a fancy ring) but I think that marriage is still something fundamentally important to me.

 

That's great, thanks for the clarification.

 

I feel sad about the fact that he doesn't yet feel the same way

 

I think that for some people, their timeline isn't a question of 'feelings for you' but rather 'where they personally want to be in life when they marry'. Now, I can't say whether this is necessarily the case for your partner, but it might be.

 

But that aside, I think you did the right thing by talking about it, and setting a timeline for yourself given its importance to you. At the end of the day, what matters most is your happiness, and if you're not happy not being married, then you absolutely should set a deadline.

 

All the best.

[atlg8r]

The number of people talking about not cohabiting before marriage is laughable. This is not 1950, and while I grew up with "traditional" values about relationships and marriage, you can learn a lot about someone by living with them before marrying. I did it twice with my ex, and I was not "stuck" as you all say.

 

The line in the sand that I would draw is the actual purchase of a house together. I wouldn't put my name on the line of a 15- or 30-year mortgage if I wasn't married.

 

Also, sadly, there are so many women who will "give him the milk for free" so to speak that women who staunchly refuse are likely to never get married. It's an unfortunate byproduct of the world in which we live now.

 

She's communicated to him what she wants. Now it's up to her to decide how long she is willing to wait on him to reach the same place.

[EverLastluv]

Always discuss expectations with any romantic partner. Also, why should he propose to you? He is already getting everything he wants which is sex and living together? Men aren't as marriage minded so I have seen men who keep saying they will propose once they are ready and twenty years later the woman is still wondering why he didn't propose. I would like to say I have seen this rarely, but it is almost a usual occurrence. He didn't propose because he didn't want to. After two years he should know if you are the one, if he doesn't he is either emotionally slow or has massive commitment issues. Two years Is more than enough time to know if you want someone to be in your life forever. Slow is a year, two years is lack of faith in you or your relationship. Young men can say that you should respect what he wants, but those of us who have seen the world and how it works, we know this is a tactic used for men to make sure you are the one he wants indefinitely. Is there no one better? He isn't sure. He already has what he wants and really doesn't find marriage important. He is getting sex and a live in companion.

Women, do not move in with a guy before marriage unless you already have a ring and a date. Otherwise, you have to accept that you led him to believe that marriage isn't something you value because you are moving forward in the relationship without it and doing all the things that marriage used to define. Don't blame him for your lack of clear expectations.

 

Amen!

 

Its so true what ur saying, once we woman dont see the value of being marriend before living together..........Why shouold the man?

[Leigh 87]

You just have to ask him. You did, you got your answer.

 

I asked my boyfriend early on, as I didn't want to even fall for a guy if he didn't want marriage one day. I asked him about it today actually, just randomly, and he said not this year but after that anytime. We are not financially secure even, but a big wedding is not want we wanted anyways...

 

What would concern me about your situation? Personally, the fact you are both out of college and financially stable =there is no real reason for him to be holding back.. After 2 years most men just know and they want to do it by that stage.

Then again, I know of another extremely happy couple on this website who are not into the whole "marriage is SO important" thing, where "they have to do it within 2 years"

 

By two years, a man "knows" if you are the love of his life. However, some men do not place a great importance on marriage, they just prefer to take their time with it even though they decide long ago that you were "the one".

 

It sounds like he might be sure about you, he just doesn't think proposing is the be all or end all.

[Leigh 87]

You can call it something else, but its still an ultimatum. Its still pressuring him for marriage when he isn't ready.

 

 

 

When a man is totally, head over heels in love they know they have found "the one" by 6 months.

 

Men with experience just "know" when they meet a girl that turns their world upside down (in a good way!)

 

It DOES NOT take a man this long, over 2 years, to figure out if he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman.

 

I know this. I have lived it. People around me have lived it. All the guys I have ever met who are madly in love and met "the one" knew that she was "the one" early on.

[Keenly]

When a man is totally, head over heels in love they know they have found "the one" by 6 months.

 

Men with experience just "know" when they meet a girl that turns their world upside down (in a good way!)

 

It DOES NOT take a man this long, over 2 years, to figure out if he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman.

 

I know this. I have lived it. People around me have lived it. All the guys I have ever met who are madly in love and met "the one" knew that she was "the one" early on.

 

Leigh... that's absolutely not true. Your one size fits all " if a man was truly smitten " speech does not and can not apply to every man. Its basically saying all men are the same, and they are not.

 

I am a man, and I would never make a call like that within six months... because you can not truly know some one in the passing of six months, but instead you know the person they are presenting themselves as.

 

It takes a minimum of two years to truly know some one, for that's when they can no longer fake anything, and you see who they truly are.

 

If I was completely in love, I STILL would not be able to make a decision like marriage in six months, would completely invalidates your basic premise that ALL men will some how magically " know " after six months with the BS " if he really he loved me , he would do XXXXX and YYYYY" . Any line that starts off with " if you really loved me " is usually followed by emotional manipulation with a side of guilt trip.

 

So I completely disagree with what you are trying to say, it takes far longer for a Man with any wisdom or experience to make a lifelong commitment like that, and to suggest otherwise means you view men as absolute fools, who don't even know their own heart.

 

I know my heart, my friend, and I would need much more time to see I'm about to give it over completely to the right person, who I know for a fact isn't going go smash it into pieces in a free years when she gets bored or feels like some one new.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Keenly

[Leigh 87]

I never said getting married after 6 months was sensible.

 

I mean: a man knows if he's in madly in love OR NOT by then.

 

you don't go from lukewarm to suddenly passionate; you KNOW if u have strong enough feelings for her to possible be the one, of course u don't know a person well enough u a year to truly know for sure if they are genuine/ have issues they have hidden, etc........

[atlg8r]

I never said getting married after 6 months was sensible.

 

I mean: a man knows if he's in madly in love OR NOT by then.

 

you don't go from lukewarm to suddenly passionate; you KNOW if u have strong enough feelings for her to possible be the one, of course u don't know a person well enough u a year to truly know for sure if they are genuine/ have issues they have hidden, etc........

 

Problem is that "madly in love" is NOT what sustains a marriage. The things that sustain a marriage cannot be learned in a one-size-fits-all time frame. It took me (a woman) almost 7 years to know definitively that my ex and I would never work in a marriage. But my fiance, whom I will marry next month, and I knew in 3 months that we were meant to be together. And by that, I mean our personalities match up well PLUS we have feelings of love. The feelings alone will not and cannot sustain a marriage. In fact, that's usually what drives people to get married TOO quickly - the feelings - and then when they realize they don't match up as partners and teammates, they get divorced.

[Leigh 87]

Problem is that "madly in love" is NOT what sustains a marriage. The things that sustain a marriage cannot be learned in a one-size-fits-all time frame. It took me (a woman) almost 7 years to know definitively that my ex and I would never work in a marriage. But my fiance, whom I will marry next month, and I knew in 3 months that we were meant to be together. And by that, I mean our personalities match up well PLUS we have feelings of love. The feelings alone will not and cannot sustain a marriage. In fact, that's usually what drives people to get married TOO quickly - the feelings - and then when they realize they don't match up as partners and teammates, they get divorced.

 

 

 

 

 

No sh*t.

 

Well obviously I know that being madly in love with a person who is not compatible won't work. In my case, our personalities were so ...ideal together, that me and my own bf also 'knew' within 6 months also that we were "the one" for each other. At first it was a "wow I will send my mates a text telling them that I just went on the best date of my life, not a dull moment"----- my boyfriend and I clicked well enough for him to declare it to his friends. THEN came the madly in love feelings. Then I had to spend a few months deciding if we were compatible.

 

So yes, 3 key things I have personally observed: personalities that go really nicely together, falling madly in love and having passion, THEN deciding "are we compatible long term"

 

If you are a person who wants the chemistry, passion and a suitable mate, you are going to have to wait a little longer to find the whole package, was my point ^^^^^^^^^^^

I dated a crapload and had two long term relationships lasting over two years each before knowing I had met .. some one "different"

[atlg8r]

No sh*t.

 

Well obviously I know that being madly in love with a person who is not compatible won't work. In my case, our personalities were so ...ideal together, that me and my own bf also 'knew' within 6 months also that we were "the one" for each other. At first it was a "wow I will send my mates a text telling them that I just went on the best date of my life, not a dull moment"----- my boyfriend and I clicked well enough for him to declare it to his friends. THEN came the madly in love feelings. Then I had to spend a few months deciding if we were compatible.

 

So yes, 3 key things I have personally observed: personalities that go really nicely together, falling madly in love and having passion, THEN deciding "are we compatible long term"

 

If you are a person who wants the chemistry, passion and a suitable mate, you are going to have to wait a little longer to find the whole package, was my point ^^^^^^^^^^^

I dated a crapload and had two long term relationships lasting over two years each before knowing I had met .. some one "different"

 

But, if you allow yourself to fall "madly in love" with someone before learning if you are compatible on a basic level, it will be that much harder to extricate yourself from a bad or at least not good situation.