He's dumping me...

[sooshi]

A loving partner doesn't "test" their partner, especially not in the way he has "tested" you (whether or not that was his true intention).

 

I agree with redbaron that by staying in the relationship, you accept his behaviour and it becomes legitimate in his perspective. He most likely won't see anything wrong with it if you choose to stay, and may continue with it because he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

 

You've been granted an abundance of thoughtful replies. I hope you'll consider all of them. I know it's harder to see a situation when you're as emotionally involved in it as you are. Sometimes, it really is helpful to get the perspective of those who are not directly involved. This is one of those times.

[BC1980]

He might be mostly great, but he's displayed some awful behavior with what's left. I would recommend cutting him loose. I know you're in love, and you said you aren't experienced. Right now, you can decide how you want to be treated because he will treat you the way you teach him to. You deserve much better, but you don't believe that.

 

I know you don't want to hear what I'm saying, but I can't tell you what you want to hear. I've got to tell you the truth.

[Eternal Sunshine]

She needs to do what she needs to do. Making these decisions when you are so in love with someone is tough.

 

Good luck Phoe. Hope you two turn the corner.

[gaius]

That is the absolute worst thing to do in the face of conflict. If anyone - a friend, a partner, a work colleague, ANYONE, did this to me after I made a mistake or said the wrong thing, they'd come back to find me ignoring them for eternity.

 

I had a friend call me a c**t a couple of weeks back. She knows I hate that word. It was resolved in 15 seconds:

 

Me: You know I don't like that word. Please don't do it again.

Her: I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

 

Problem solved.

 

Phoe *did* fight back. There were far more red flags than just this. By all means, take a break from a conflict and revisit once calm and collected, but to spitefully ignore someone as a relationship power play is ridiculous.

A sexual relationship is different than a relationship between same sex friends. You're the one who didn't want to say who here you were going to see because it would be "outing him". Like meeting up with you is some kind of secret akin to homosexuality that might be incredibly embarrassing to him. I'm guessing you have your own issues with getting respect from men.

 

And no, Phoe didn't fight back. She ate his nonsense every time. Partly possibly because you enabled her not to seek respect for herself, and are still enabling her not to. And now she is where she is.

[somedude81]

I think the main issue that's happening here is that Phoe is just a really sweet person, she's also inexperienced in relationships, she's loyal and probably has low self-confidence.

 

All of those combine to her seeming to not know what a healthy relationship is, nor giving her the strength to stand up for herself when she's being mistreated.

[tlegend]

Whatever you choose, do it to the fullest.

 

Best wishes.

[TAV]

Sweet girl, I see a long difficult road ahead of you. I once was you so I know you have to make up your own mind and whatever we say won't hit home to you. Not now anyway.

 

If you do not have good friends who won't judge and will be there for you no matter what, try to use this forum to speak your mind, don't be afraid. You will need to say what you really think to stay sane.

 

Try to work on yourself. Try to realise that it is ok to put yourself first. That you are not responsible for the problems in his life. That you do not have to suffer because of them. That you won't get the gratitude and undying love in return for it, despite what you may think now. A good relationship is nurturing, one in which you both want the best for each other, whether that is with or without the other. Like someone said here; if it's good, it doesn't hurt.

 

Most of all; stay strong. And never ever let him lay a hand on you (though scars from mental abuse never heal).

[Iguanna]

That's the bad thing when you try to advise people to leave abusive relationships: you say and you say and you say and they seem to agree but when the bad memories fade away they feel the need to go back to their misery and you remain the idiot who spent all this energy for no reason. I hate to see this story happening when it's 2014, there is too much information about abusive men and there are so many people here stating the obvious: that this man is problematic. She'll leave him eventually, don't worry. Only then she'll be 30 or 35 and the wrinkles on her face will not be forgiving. I hope there won't be a poor child as well to witness all this sick situation.

[somedude81]

I don't want to dwell on the bad when there's good that can be enjoyed. That's why I minimize. Fix it, move on.

 

 

If I felt like the issues we have couldn't be worked on, that would be a different story.

 

 

But our problems are ones that can be resolved. Until now, we'd gotten good at resolving disagreements and misunderstandings. This time, life is in the way.

Hmm, I just thought of something.

 

Phoe, are there any things you feel that you've done badly and need to fix? Any issues about yourself that you want to work on? What makes you use "we" when talking about what is going on?

 

The readers are getting the impression of you bending over backward to try and be the perfect girlfriend, and maybe that isn't the case at all.

[pickflicker]

A sexual relationship is different than a relationship between same sex friends. You're the one who didn't want to say who here you were going to see because it would be "outing him". Like meeting up with you is some kind of secret akin to homosexuality that might be incredibly embarrassing to him. I'm guessing you have your own issues with getting respect from men.

 

And no, Phoe didn't fight back. She ate his nonsense every time. Partly possibly because you enabled her not to seek respect for herself, and are still enabling her not to. And now she is where she is.

 

Oh for crying out loud...

 

First of all, I have no idea what my personal life has to do with anything, but if you're butt-hurt because I didn't gossip with you, get over it.

 

Secondly, there doesn't need to be a penis-and-vagina situation in order for there to be some basic, minimal respect. No matter what the relationship, punishing the other person by ignoring them isn't the answer, it is a woeful way to conduct a relationship. Any relationship.

 

Once again, my advice to Phoe (for the original problem) was this: she start by apologising that she hurt his feelings, and then to tell him that he hurt her feelings as well. Could they find a better way to spend the limited time they had together? If he was unable to understand that, I TOLD her she could walk away knowing that she'd done her best, she's received one too many red flags, and she could confidently end it.

 

Your advice? To ignore him for a week as punishment. I don't care what a person has done, you don't ignore them for a week, make them feel like sh*t, and then say "Now, don't do it again". If someone pulls that move on you, you walk away. It is not ok to power play and punish another person like that.

 

Secondly, I did not "enable" Phoe. Are you serious? Her sh*t relationship was somehow my fault? The only person enabling this bad relationship is now Phoe (I'm sorry love, but I speak from experience - you forgive the first wave of bad behaviour, you put a foot down over the second). I think given her bf's total lunacy over the last week, we can all comfortably say that she should run for the hills. Oh wait, we did. And she's still looking for a way to fix things.

 

And it my fault?

 

Look, if you want to conduct your relationship as some sort of power struggle where you maintain a Mexican stand-off until the other crumbles, that's fine. Just know that in a realm of sh*t advice on this forum on any given day, that's ranking pretty close to first place.

Edited April 17, 2014 by pickflicker

[Grumpybutfun]

And this is what happens a lot of the time when you jump into an insta-relationship and assign it a seriousness that it hasn't yet naturally earned.

 

This ^^^^^think about Veggirls words, Phoe. Just because it is the best you have had doesn't mean it is healthy for you. You have had uncommonly bad experiences with dating IMHO. You deserve something sweet and simple. Everyone works long hours these days...I never took out my frustration on my girl when I worked 18 hour days on military duty and rolled in and out of my sleep rack while also making sure I fulfilled my girls needs. This guy is giving you excuses and he is making you complicit in his issues when you have had no part in them. I know we can't deter you, but just know that we are here to support you. We are naturally concerned because we can see the drama and his micromanaging of you because we aren't in the middle of it. I know that you hope for the best and believe in making things work, but some things aren't meant to work and if after four months you are having this much drama, this is one of them. As someone who has been in a healthy twenty year marriage, let me assure you that what he has exhibited is not normal, we have never even came close to this kind of game playing, controlling or micromanaging. Sometimes people have issues we can't fix no matter how much we care for them.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited April 17, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Leigh 87]

He asked you to suck another guys dick in front of him.

 

Sorry but this guy has mental problems.

 

Or he genuinely does have a fettish.

 

Take your pick.

 

I wish you the best, we all do...

[somedude81]

One more thing I want to add, a set of affirmations that should be helpful to everybody man or woman, at least in my opinion.

---------------------------------------

 

I deserve a partner that loves me

 

I deserve a partner that respects me

 

I deserve a partner that will not test me

 

I deserve a partner that will treat me with kindness

 

I deserve a partner that will not play games

 

I deserve a partner who will only say good things about me

 

I deserve a partner who will not try control me

 

I deserve a partner who will not try to make me feel guilty

 

I deserve a partner who will not try to make me do things that make me uncomfortable

 

I deserve a partner who will give me oral whenever I want enjoys meeting my needs

 

I deserve a partner who will not make me question myself

[seekingpeaceinlove]

There are some issues you just cannot fix. Your bf needs to fix issues within himself. You cannot do it for him. You can only compromise, minimize and adjust to your bf for so long...

 

It's your life, your heart, your decision. I lived a similar situation to yours and ended up broken hearted because I could not stop "trying." Try as you might, you are only half of the relationship. The other half needs to put in an equal amount of effort. In your case, bf needs to change himself.

 

Telling you to have sex with another man, constantly disrespecting you, throwing a tantrum because he doesn't get his way...I don't see these issues as something you can resolve. These issues are not because "life" is getting in the way. This is a character flaw...only he can resolve them.

 

Questions is: Does he even realize how wrong he is?

 

 

I don't want to dwell on the bad when there's good that can be enjoyed. That's why I minimize. Fix it, move on.

 

 

If I felt like the issues we have couldn't be worked on, that would be a different story.

 

 

But our problems are ones that can be resolved. Until now, we'd gotten good at resolving disagreements and misunderstandings. This time, life is in the way.

[kodakgirl]

In 25 years of life I have never met a single person who has been as kind and caring towards me as him. No one. I'm not about to let all of that slip away just because of imperfections, because of issues that can be fixed.

 

This makes me think of my ex. He was (still is) one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever met, very caring, very selfless, a truly special and wonderful guy. He always wanted to do the right thing and really tried. Whenever we had an issue he would talk it all through until it was all right. Because of this I never even entertained the thought he might be doing anything wrong-- if our relationship wasn't what I wanted or I was unhappy, it was my fault. I wasn't being understanding enough or appreciative enough. If I felt insecure or jealous it was because of my issues and not what he was doing. Since he was such a great person anything negative was all on me. I felt he would never take advantage of this because he wasn't the type of person to take advantage of anyone.

 

That worked out as well as you'd expect. I almost never say this to anyone because it's so embarrassing but though I call him my "ex"-- it was never formally a relationship (though effectively it was, and I count it as one). There was distance involved which he used as an excuse-- he'd say yes, he knew we would be perfect together but because of that he wanted to give it the best start possible and that wouldn't happen while there was distance. So we were "friends." Despite talking every night for three hours... despite him knowing I was completely in love with him, and I wasn't going to date anyone else, despite him travelling to my country to visit and acting just the same as anyone else's LDR boyfriend (and I was involved with a (different) LDR forum at the time time-- I compared constantly). Even at the time I would have conceded this looked bad and 99.99999 % of the time someone in my situation should walk away... but this was HIM, HE wouldn't be leading me on or using me.

 

There was this girl who'd confessed her feelings for him, and he admitted to me he felt something for her too but she was one of his several roommates and he was adamant he wouldn't get involved with someone he lived with, even if I wasn't in the picture. And he let her know that, and felt all bad about hurting her feelings, and I was reassuring. Since he felt oh so bad about it he decided he should make an extra effort to be friends with her-- doing stuff like going to the symphony just with her. And if I was all upset about him basically going on a date with another girl, he got upset that I would be so jealous and insecure. It got worse and worse with her, it was clear even to me--in another COUNTRY, with all my info filtered through him or ganed in scraps off FB-- that something was going on, and I got really upset over it, and he actually got mad at me for being so insecure. I felt awful. I did. I felt angry at myself for being jealous, and worked really, really hard to address my "insecurity". He assured me no, nothing was ever going to happen between them.

 

Guess what? Three months later they were in a relationship. I was crazily in love with this guy despite everything, but this got even me prepared to walk away. Even if we were just "friends" and he had every right to date someone else, he'd lied to me, repeatedly. He BEGGED. He pleaded with me not to walk away. In the first WEEK of his new relationship-- how unfair to her, too, right? I couldn't resist it. He didn't really change anything in the way he acted towards me, just as oh-so-close and sweet as ever. When I visited his country he was super keen on spending allll day with me, literally 8 am to midnight. (I bet she was just "insecure" about feeling jealous over this...). He almost never talked about her. He'd still talk through issues with me. Nothing was overtly inappropriate-- but a reallllllllly close relationship with a member of the opposite sex is almost always inappropriate in a relationship, I feel. I felt very conflicted about it but he was such a GREAT guy, he'd never be leading me on or using me as an emotional airbag or whatever the hell he was doing (over three years on and I still have no idea what was going through his head).

 

Of course this all ended in happily ever after. I'd been planning to move to his country anyway for grad school and I was finally ready and able to do it. Of course he wanted to see each other when I got there and we had a nice afternoon etc. etc., but afterwards he got all upset I hadn't asked about his girlfriend (WTF?) and eventually it all ended up blowing up, he was all shocked I was still in love with him and hoping and I was like, oh come ON, like you didn't know what was going on, and he actually had the nerve to be angry about my feelings and it was all pretty awful and ended up in us never speaking ever again.

 

Reading this-- what a JERK, right? Lots of acting selfishly, manipulation, lying, emotional cheating. But even now, without any emotional feelings towards him, I am certain he is a deeply nice, sweet, caring guy. He never would have intentionally manipulated me-- but he did manipulate me. I never would knowingly let someone manipulate me-- but I let him. There is a difference between what someone IS and what someone DOES. Really nice people can act like jerks. And jerky behaviour doesn't get a pass because the person is really nice. It might be circumstance, subconcious, whatever, but great people can act not great, and that can become a part of the way you relate without either of you even noticing. I was so blind to how crappily he was treating me, because such a nice sweetheart of a fellow would never treat a girl crappily. And I'm sure he was also totally blind to how crappily he was treating me, both because of his own self-image (I am caring and selfless) and because I never made him see it. All that "talking through our issues" was generally me letting him how I was upset over something he did/was doing, and him eventually--subtly--getting me to accept the blame for that feeling instead of him. He didn't do it intentionally but it still happened. And then we were both happy we'd talked it through and we had a relationship where we talked things through.

 

I've noticed for a while you have the same tendency as me to assume it's all your fault, and I considered telling you some of this earlier. It's great to be sweet and caring and to work hard at understanding, but sometimes you also have to realize, no, it's not my fault. He's great but I'm great too. If I'm upset, maybe I have a right to be upset. Maybe not everything can be understood and talked through and set aside.

 

No one here knows the relationship like you do. I'm sure anyone reading this would conclude my ex was a horrible person, even though he's really not, and most of the time I was very very happy. But you have to remember you are emotionally invovled. Everything he does is seen through your view of "he's a great sweet person." When you lay what he does out here we don't get that view, and so of course it looks worse to us than you. The reality is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

It really is not easy to accept that a great person might not be a great partner. A really really nice person might not always be really really nice to you. It's something I struggle with myself. I give too many benefits of the doubt, judging a fellow on his (perceived) character instead of his actions. And I don't really want to accept I have to change that, although I am becoming increasingly aware that I do. I feel that whatever you do choose, this is something you need to think about too.

 

Lots of hugs to you-- this is all very difficult I'm sure.

Edited April 17, 2014 by kodakgirl
spelling

[Phoe]

There is a difference between what someone IS and what someone DOES.

 

See, this is EXACTLY what I've tried to say all along and I'm really happy that you understand just what I'm getting at. The mistakes he's made do not define him as a person. Everyone has had actions they are not so proud of. Everyone does things and thinks back "WOW, that was not right at all..."

 

 

Phoe, are there any things you feel that you've done badly and need to fix? Any issues about yourself that you want to work on? What makes you use "we" when talking about what is going on?

 

The readers are getting the impression of you bending over backward to try and be the perfect girlfriend, and maybe that isn't the case at all.

 

There are lots of things I feel I lack in, and countless time on this forum Ive mentioned my mistakes, referred to myself as a less than stellar girlfriend, and admitted that I haven't a clue how to be a good girlfriend.

 

 

I overthink, overanalyze, I get anxious, I doubt myself. My boyfriend hates those things. He wishes I'd just relax.

 

 

The argument we had when I didn't wanna come over when I had my headache, I clearly made mistakes there.

 

 

I'm not perfect at all.

 

Questions is: Does he even realize how wrong he is?

 

Sometimes he very clearly sees that he's done something wrong, and so apologizes. Other times, if he truly believes he's done nothing wrong, there's nothing I can say that will change his mind. There are some opinions that won't be changed, but if I explain my unhappiness, he does at least try to understand, even if my reasoning doesn't really make sense to him.

 

 

 

Yesterday was a very bad night for him. He had a bad reaction to his medication, it made him a bit loopy, and I had to get out of bed to go pick him up. He felt terrible, apologized a lot, then sort of just went downhill from there, saying how I deserve so much more, that he treats me like **** but I still care for unconditionally despite it. He got so down on himself.

[somedude81]

See, this is EXACTLY what I've tried to say all along and I'm really happy that you understand just what I'm getting at. The mistakes he's made do not define him as a person. Everyone has had actions they are not so proud of. Everyone does things and thinks back "WOW, that was not right at all..."

You are correct. But if they keep doing those actions....

 

Your boyfriend should definitely have figured out by now what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

 

In the six months that I was with my ex, there were only two or three times where I had said or done something to make her somewhat upset or worry about the relationship. I only said them because I didn't know that she would get a negative reaction from it. In other words, I've only had to apologize to her a couple of times. During the relatonship, she only did one thing I wasn't happy with.

 

There are lots of things I feel I lack in, and countless time on this forum Ive mentioned my mistakes, referred to myself as a less than stellar girlfriend, and admitted that I haven't a clue how to be a good girlfriend.

You're selling yourself short. It's obvious that you are trying very hard to be a good girlfriend. Maybe even trying too hard, which can be a negative.

 

 

I overthink, overanalyze, I get anxious, I doubt myself. My boyfriend hates those things. He wishes I'd just relax.

Those are all valid negatives.

 

My ex did the same exact things. It's called rumination and many women do it. My ex's rumination basically lead to the end of my relationship. I left her alone for a week to go on vacation and she spent the whole time ruminating about the relationship and broke up with me right when I got back.

 

Though not all thinking is bad. It's perfectly fine to think about if you are being treated correctly and if you are happy with what is happening to you.

 

The argument we had when I didn't wanna come over when I had my headache, I clearly made mistakes there.

 

 

I'm not perfect at all.

Ah, I remember that thread, which I just now scanned through.

 

Yeah, you could have said a few things differently, being more appreciative and understanding, while still refusing him because you had a headache and were generally stressed.

 

That's it, you're not perfect and I'm no longer in love you with. I bid you good day.

 

 

Sometimes he very clearly sees that he's done something wrong, and so apologizes. Other times, if he truly believes he's done nothing wrong, there's nothing I can say that will change his mind. There are some opinions that won't be changed, but if I explain my unhappiness, he does at least try to understand, even if my reasoning doesn't really make sense to him.

Does he believe he did anything wrong with the whole mind fu*kery, the blow job thing, and trying to get you to marry him in city hall? Anything that happened in this thread?

[pickflicker]

 

Does he believe he did anything wrong with the whole mind fu*kery, the blow job thing, and trying to get you to marry him in city hall? Anything that happened in this thread?

 

Hmmmm...yes, I''d like an answer on this...

 

Phoe, somedude is spot on. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're allowed to be human. None of us are perfect. But you have to be true to yourself. You have to be authentic.

 

Think back over the last couple of weeks - have you ever had that weird gut feeling when you think about him? I'm not talking about reasonable doubt, a silly moment where you doubt and then realise you're being silly - I'm talking about that weird, squiggly "something is not right here" feeling. That one that is triggered by not one red flag, but a list of them. The stuff that is not properly addressed when you attempt to talk about it.

 

If so, that's a signal to get out.

[somedude81]

Something else I just thought of.

 

Inexperience is not an excuse for bad treatment.

 

A guy doesn't have to be in a lot of relationships, or be in one for a long time to know how to treat a lady. A lot of this stuff is just common sense.

 

Phoe, do you have any brothers, cousins or close guy friends that you can talk to about what's happening to you?

[veggirl]

Phoe, why do you have this obsessive need to try to be the perfect girlfriend? Is that how you think relationships are...people acting perfectly? You give this guy every break in the book, you excuse his every behavior, yet you freak out that you aren't PERFECT. WTF? No one is perfect, but as SD said, inexperience does not = disrespect and bad behavior. You don't need relationship experience to be a decent person and treat someone well.

 

I'm seriously confused as to how you sweep all his horrible behavior under the rug but freak out about your own imperfections....when really, he is exhibiting a lot worse than simply "not perfect"....

 

you still blame yourself for how he acts.

if you were a better gf, things wouldn't be this way.

if you were a better gf, he wouldn't be so stressed.

if you didn't overanalyze, he wouldn't get upset.

so on and so forth...

 

Not a healthy way to look at this, Phoe...

Edited April 18, 2014 by veggirl

[jonsnuh]

Be the best that you can be, and be the truest version of yourself.

 

I remember a date of mine had the paranoia of a conspiracy theorist. At first, I thought it was amusing. But when she started asking about all these questions and not taking my answers at face value as the truth, not only did I feel bad for her but I starting thinking that I wasn't doing enough to convince her.

 

She was like an emotional vampire, a vampire of time and memories (a la Queens of the Stone Age). Best thing I did was to BU with her.

 

It was NOT my fault, and had everything to do with her. I had to undergo therapy to fix myself.

 

Don't settle for less.

Don't ever apologize for being yourself.

Don't EVER lose yourself. This is why I'm afraid of madly falling in love.

Edited April 18, 2014 by jonsnuh

[Phoe]

Phoe, why do you have this obsessive need to try to be the perfect girlfriend?

 

See this confuses me, because I have no idea where you get the idea that I'm trying to be a perfect girlfriend.

 

 

That would be a fruitless endeavor.

 

 

I just try to be the best I can be and give my all. NOT be perfect.

 

Phoe, do you have any brothers, cousins or close guy friends that you can talk to about what's happening to you?

 

I'm an only child, my mom's an only child, and her mom's an only child.... lol.

 

 

Relationships are not a conversation topic with my male friends. That's way too heavy lol.

 

Think back over the last couple of weeks - have you ever had that weird gut feeling when you think about him? I'm not talking about reasonable doubt, a silly moment where you doubt and then realise you're being silly - I'm talking about that weird, squiggly "something is not right here" feeling.

 

 

Not really. I'm get unhappy with the situations we end up in, but not unhappy with HIM.

[Smilecharmer]

Phoe, do you believe he was just testing you with his sex talk or do you think he really wanted that?

[Phoe]

Phoe, do you believe he was just testing you with his sex talk or do you think he really wanted that?

 

I have no clue, and it hurts my brain to even think about it. I don't even want to know, really.

 

 

Does he believe he did anything wrong with the whole mind fu*kery, the blow job thing, and trying to get you to marry him in city hall? Anything that happened in this thread?

 

Yeah. He keeps saying how he has a wonderful girl and keeps screwing it up by being an idiot and a douche. That it's just some silly fantasy that's fun to talk about but that he'd never want to do it and that I'm wife material, that he'd never make the woman he wants to marry do something like that, and that it's unfair of him to even TALK like that when it makes me uncomfortable.

 

 

As for the marriage thing? He just wants to be married to me. Doesn't care where or how.

 

 

He fails to see how illogical it is for us to be married when we don't live together. Yes, husband a wife who live separately. Totally reasonable -__-

 

 

But reasonable is not something he's known for.

 

 

He also doesn't think we are moving too fast at all. His adoptive parents got married 3 weeks after meeting, so that's the norm he grew up with.

 

 

I made it clear to him that engagements are out of the question before AT LEAST a year. I will never make a decision quicker than that. He also knows that if we were engaged after that year, that I would want a long engagement. At least a year.

 

 

And if we aren't living together, don't even remotely expect to get married.

 

 

There are steps that need to be taken, SLOWLY, and in the right order. But he is impatient.

[somedude81]

I'm an only child, my mom's an only child, and her mom's an only child.... lol.

 

 

Relationships are not a conversation topic with my male friends. That's way too heavy lol.

Wow, so there are like no guys you can talk to who actually know you. I was hoping you could talk to some guys who were close to you and they could give you their opinion on how your BF is acting.

 

Obviously you don't have any sisters or female cousins. Any girl friends you feel close enough to? Anyone at all whose opinion you value?

 

Advice and input from people online who never met you is only worth so much.