He's dumping me...

[Leigh 87]

Phoe, don't do it!

 

Don't let him suck you back in.

 

This guy is seriously messed up.

 

Good riddens to him.

 

You can find a man who finds you very desirable and who is mentally stable!

 

Please please please don't have anything more to do with this loser!

[somedude81]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

I took a small road trip today to spend the day with my cousins who live out of town. Kept my mind occupied.

 

 

I tired myself out enough, and I'm mentally drained.

 

 

I don't know what is going on with my life anymore. It's scary. And I just want to sleep for days. I also want to travel back in time 20 years. Life was simple when I was a little girl.

 

 

Why is it so complicated now? I've never liked complicated...

Hey Phoe, are there other things going on in your life that are affecting you? How is your grandmother doing?

 

I know you're feeling overwhelmed by what's happening with him. A lot has happened very quickly.

 

You have to take charge of what is happening in your life. Things may look complicated to you, but you have the power to make them very simple.

 

What are your thoughts and feelings on what is going on? How do you see things?

[pickflicker]

I'm just bumping this because I wanted to see how Miss Phoe was doing.

 

That's all.

[somedude81]

I'm just bumping this because I wanted to see how Miss Phoe was doing.

 

That's all.

I'm sure she's doing OK.

 

She's Phoemidable

[CrystalCastles]

Well yesterday afternoon he texted me saying there's a reason for everything he's done.

 

OK. Vague. Whatever.

 

 

His truck is broken down and he needed to be picked up 2 towns over so I agreed to go get him.

 

 

 

 

We sat in my truck and talked.

 

 

From what I gather, he was testing me. He said he trusts me, and just needed to ask those questions over and over knowing that the answer wasn't gonna change, but kinda like what a previous poster said, wanted to "Sherlock" his way into making sure I had never done anything. And I guess, by giving me PERMISSION to hook up with someone else and saying that he WANTED it, by me continually refusing he knew I was really truly loyal.

 

 

It was a test. He totally and completely mind****ed me for a TEST.

 

 

The reason he got distant is because he was afraid I was done with him after refusing the fantasy. He was worried I'd leave, so he got distant.

 

 

And the reason for testing me? The reason for asking probing questions and making me feel that he didn't trust me.

 

 

He put a massive deposit down on a ring last weekend. A Wedding Ring.

 

 

He asked me to marry him. Said we could go down to city hall tomorrow and get a marriage license.

 

 

I said no.

 

 

What the ****? WHY.

 

 

I can't believe I got put through all that for him to propose and ask me to skip a wedding and just marry him in city hall.

 

 

none of that is what I want. what the ****.

 

Holy ****. What the ****?! ****.

 

Test?! Who does that to someone they love?! What planet is this guy living on?! Because I'm sure it isn't earth.

 

The only thing that I'm getting from reading your posts Phoe is, your guy is a psychotic abuser.

 

 

There are so many great guys in this world and this guy isn't one of them. Life's too short to waste your time on jerks. Dump this guy, Phoe. He's caused you nothing but a world of pain and worry.

[johnson_j]

As a fellow man, I am sorry there are dirtbags like this treating nice, valuable girls like yourself in this manner.

[passion_flower]

I can't believe he asked you to marry him after all that mindf*ckery!

 

Most women want to look back on their wedding proposals as being romantic and heartfelt not in a "Well done, you've passed my test now I deem you suitable for marriage" kind of way which is quite manipulative.

 

I re-iterate what everyone else says, your lovely nature shines through in your posts and you deserve better.

[veggirl]

Phoe, I'm wondering how you are doing as well!

 

and can't lie, worried that your disappearance from the thread might mean reconcilliation w/ him? Update us girl, pleeease!

[Phoe]

I haven't updated mostly because I haven't known what to say...

 

things haven't really been resolved.

 

 

we don't know what to do. we want things to work but nothing is easy for us.

 

 

He's constantly working. Not sleeping. He got injured at work the other day. Spent the day in urgent care yesterday. His truck broke down last week and I've been taking him where he needs to go. He's strained.

 

 

He's having a hard time keeping everything under control and that's having an awful effect on us. He's trying to keep his head above the water and can't.

 

 

It's only gonna get worse. He works 10 hour days 6 days a week, it's gonna become 12 hour days 7 days a week as the project comes to a close, then he's headed to a new location 3 hours away.

 

 

 

 

There are problems, yes, but he is not a bad person. He truly is a wonderful person. One of the kindest people I have ever met, and I've never had anyone who has treated me with such care.

 

 

I suppose I'll never see how everyone here can view him as so horrible. He's not perfect and we've had our share of issues to work through, but he's not a bad person. I still consider myself lucky that he chose me.

 

 

He certainly needs to learn some tact when it comes to "testing" me, putting me through nonsense and garbage marriage proposals. I don't need some fancy proposal but I don't want to be proposed to right now at all. He knows I have a long timeline for marriage.

 

 

I don't know what will happen. We're struggling to figure things out when all both of us do is work. Makes it seemingly impossible.

 

 

But I want to fix things. I want to have this relationship. He is worth it to me. Even if no one else thinks he is.

[somedude81]

I really don't understand why you are trying so hard to make it work with him. He has shown to be very controlling. He has no business at all mind fu*king you as you put it, and he shouldn't be testing you at all.

 

Are you truly happy with him, or are you feeling somewhere that he is the best you can get?

 

The fact that he's really kind to you is nowhere even close to being good enough for the negatives he's put you through these recent months. There are guys out there who can be really sweet and not try to put you through these tests to prove yourself.

 

I'm worried about how things are going to become down the line if you stay with him. Please don't pretend that if you do nothing, everything will work itself out.

Edited April 16, 2014 by somedude81

[Keenly]

If he is truly what makes you happy, than I can respect your decision to try and make it work.

 

He better watch his back though, less some one like me attempt to steal you from him.

[Phoe]

I really don't understand why you are trying so hard to make it work with him. He has shown to be very controlling. He has no business at all mind fu*king you as you put it, and he shouldn't be testing you at all.

 

Are you truly happy with him, or are you feeling somewhere that he is the best you can get?

 

The fact that he's really kind to you is nowhere even close to being good enough for the negatives he's put you through these recent months. There are guys out there who can be really sweet and not try to put you through these tests to prove yourself.

 

I'm worried about how things are going to become down the line if you stay with him.

 

 

 

In 25 years of life I have never met a single person who has been as kind and caring towards me as him. No one. I'm not about to let all of that slip away just because of imperfections, because of issues that can be fixed.

[Phoe]

If he is truly what makes you happy, than I can respect your decision to try and make it work.

 

He better watch his back though, less some one like me attempt to steal you from him.

 

He does make me very happy and makes me feel very lucky, it's just when we get on different pages about certain things, it feels impossible.

 

 

We are both inexperienced.

 

 

Must say, I am not steal-able. Just wish he realized that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow, crazy thread. Honestly, I haven't heard the back story, but there's a difference between trying to make things work and banging your head against a brick wall because you don't feel like looking for a door. This seems to be the latter, as the guy sounds like an absolute nightmare and a complete tool. But it's ultimately your life. Best of luck, you're going to need it.

[somedude81]

In 25 years of life I have never met a single person who has been as kind and caring towards me as him. No one. I'm not about to let all of that slip away just because of imperfections, because of issues that can be fixed.

I really don't think that you've dated enough. So your sample size is smaller than it should be. Or maybe you've just dated a bunch of frogs and finally found a guy who treats you close to how a man should.

 

I do think that you are minimizing the imperfections.

 

Maybe the issues can be fixed I don't know. But please ask yourself how much you are wiling to take. Where is the line?

 

I'm trying very hard to stay impartial here but it's difficult for me. I like you Phoe and I want you to be happy. Of course I understand that everything is your decision, though it's just really frustrating seeing the things that you write about.

[passion_flower]

I haven't updated mostly because I haven't known what to say...

 

things haven't really been resolved.

 

 

we don't know what to do. we want things to work but nothing is easy for us.

 

 

He's constantly working. Not sleeping. He got injured at work the other day. Spent the day in urgent care yesterday. His truck broke down last week and I've been taking him where he needs to go. He's strained.

 

 

He's having a hard time keeping everything under control and that's having an awful effect on us. He's trying to keep his head above the water and can't.

 

 

It's only gonna get worse. He works 10 hour days 6 days a week, it's gonna become 12 hour days 7 days a week as the project comes to a close, then he's headed to a new location 3 hours away.

 

 

 

 

There are problems, yes, but he is not a bad person. He truly is a wonderful person. One of the kindest people I have ever met, and I've never had anyone who has treated me with such care.

 

 

I suppose I'll never see how everyone here can view him as so horrible. He's not perfect and we've had our share of issues to work through, but he's not a bad person. I still consider myself lucky that he chose me.

 

 

He certainly needs to learn some tact when it comes to "testing" me, putting me through nonsense and garbage marriage proposals. I don't need some fancy proposal but I don't want to be proposed to right now at all. He knows I have a long timeline for marriage.

 

 

I don't know what will happen. We're struggling to figure things out when all both of us do is work. Makes it seemingly impossible.

 

 

But I want to fix things. I want to have this relationship. He is worth it to me. Even if no one else thinks he is.

 

Oh dear...!

[Phoe]

I really don't think that you've dated enough. So your sample size is smaller than it should be. Or maybe you've just dated a bunch of frogs and finally found a guy who treats you close to how a man should.

 

I do think that you are minimizing the imperfections.

 

Maybe the issues can be fixed I don't know. But please ask yourself how much you are wiling to take. Where is the line?

 

I'm trying very hard to stay impartial here but it's difficult for me. I like you Phoe and I want you to be happy. Of course I understand that everything is your decision, though it's just really frustrating seeing the things that you write about.

 

I don't want to dwell on the bad when there's good that can be enjoyed. That's why I minimize. Fix it, move on.

 

 

If I felt like the issues we have couldn't be worked on, that would be a different story.

 

 

But our problems are ones that can be resolved. Until now, we'd gotten good at resolving disagreements and misunderstandings. This time, life is in the way.

[pickflicker]

I'm sure she's doing OK.

 

She's Phoemidable

 

Ok, that's a winning comment for the day. More of that from you, please!

[pickflicker]

I haven't updated mostly because I haven't known what to say...

 

things haven't really been resolved.

 

 

we don't know what to do. we want things to work but nothing is easy for us.

 

 

He's constantly working. Not sleeping. He got injured at work the other day. Spent the day in urgent care yesterday. His truck broke down last week and I've been taking him where he needs to go. He's strained.

 

 

He's having a hard time keeping everything under control and that's having an awful effect on us. He's trying to keep his head above the water and can't.

 

 

It's only gonna get worse. He works 10 hour days 6 days a week, it's gonna become 12 hour days 7 days a week as the project comes to a close, then he's headed to a new location 3 hours away.

 

 

 

 

There are problems, yes, but he is not a bad person. He truly is a wonderful person. One of the kindest people I have ever met, and I've never had anyone who has treated me with such care.

 

 

I suppose I'll never see how everyone here can view him as so horrible. He's not perfect and we've had our share of issues to work through, but he's not a bad person. I still consider myself lucky that he chose me.

 

 

He certainly needs to learn some tact when it comes to "testing" me, putting me through nonsense and garbage marriage proposals. I don't need some fancy proposal but I don't want to be proposed to right now at all. He knows I have a long timeline for marriage.

 

 

I don't know what will happen. We're struggling to figure things out when all both of us do is work. Makes it seemingly impossible.

 

 

But I want to fix things. I want to have this relationship. He is worth it to me. Even if no one else thinks he is.

 

I think it's admirable to work for the relationship. My only advice is, don't spend too long. If it's meant to happen, you'll find one another again.

[Simon Phoenix]

This relationship is four months old, correct? This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, not the phase where you put on the hard hat and start welding things. You are talking as if you've been together five years with this man and have children.

[lollipopspot]

I understand, Phoe. You need to make your own decisions regardless of any advice here.

[somedude81]

I don't want to dwell on the bad when there's good that can be enjoyed. That's why I minimize. Fix it, move on.

 

 

If I felt like the issues we have couldn't be worked on, that would be a different story.

 

 

But our problems are ones that can be resolved. Until now, we'd gotten good at resolving disagreements and misunderstandings. This time, life is in the way.

OK, I'll back off for now. If you can work out your problems and new ones don't pop up, great!

 

But if things don't, I'm going to pay you a visit and show you how things should really be done.

 

*You have been warned*

 

[veggirl]

Oh, Phoe...

 

In 25 years of life I have never met a single person who has been as kind and caring towards me as him. No one. I'm not about to let all of that slip away just because of imperfections, because of issues that can be fixed.

 

What's he doing to fix HIS issues?

You do understand that what transpired is completely ON HIM, yes? There's nothing YOU need to do to fix that...so what's his plan for fixing himself?

Thing is, people ALWAYS say "i'll change, i'll work on it" but...does the work actually get done? Is there a plan in motion, or just words and promises?

 

I don't want to dwell on the bad when there's good that can be enjoyed. That's why I minimize. Fix it, move on.

 

 

If I felt like the issues we have couldn't be worked on, that would be a different story.

 

 

But our problems are ones that can be resolved. Until now, we'd gotten good at resolving disagreements and misunderstandings. This time, life is in the way.

 

What do you mean life got in the way? I don't understand how life is to blame for the way he acted (over and over again).

 

This relationship is four months old, correct? This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, not the phase where you put on the hard hat and start welding things. You are talking as if you've been together five years with this man and have children.

 

Yeah, this is very true. And this is what happens a lot of the time when you jump into an insta-relationship and assign it a seriousness that it hasn't yet naturally earned. Phoe has fallen exactly into that.

 

Phoe, I'll leave it with this lest you think I'm just a naysayer who doesn't understand: just because this is the best you've had doesn't mean it is the best there is. Just because he isn't as bad as your exes doesn't mean he is a good person or a good fit for you. Just because others treated you worse doesn't mean he is treating you well. Good luck.

Edited April 17, 2014 by veggirl

[redbaron005]

But our problems are ones that can be resolved. Until now, we'd gotten good at resolving disagreements and misunderstandings. This time, life is in the way.

 

There certainly is a lot at play here to consider. Although I believe that your'alls problems could be resolved, I'm not sure they can be while you two (A) are working jobs with those stressful schedules; and, (B) while you two are in a relationship with each other. Could you make a short list of problems and how you both have agreed to approach them?

 

Like others here have expressed, I am also concerned for you. Like you, I like to see the potential in people and relationships. But honey, here is the bottom line: he is not going to change while in a relationship with you. Quite the opposite, he will get comfortable as Grumps alluded to he knows this and wants to make it a permanent situation.

 

Just a bit of background here: I was the jerk that tested my ex-gf. I told her, harshly to go find someone else. I did this at a time when I was working full time (end of the FY, 12 hour days), doing full time grad school, and had major family issues taking place all while in a LDR 5 hours away. <4 hours of sleep per day. I felt like she was not supporting me and wanted her to prove she love me by saying she loved only me. Well, inevitably she left me for someone else 3 weeks later. I cried, begged, cried some more but she did not take me back. But guess what, I learned SO much and became a better person for it.

 

Somethings got to give here, its not healthy. You accept his behavior by staying in this relationship and that only further legitimizes it in his eyes. I see potential in your man, however he needs to mature (aka needs a reality check) and if you love him I humbly suggest that you let him go.

Edited April 17, 2014 by redbaron005

[contact1]

This truly saddens me to read this, after everything he has done, you are trying to suppress the bad because of the good he does. And somehow you feel this is the best you are ever going to get. I'm going to quote a line, that parallels this situation, with regards to abusive relationship:

 

"Why don't women leave abusive relationships?

Leaving a relationship, no matter how abusive, is never easy. Women who leave relationships often have to opt for living in poverty. That's a very difficult choice to make. There are many social, cultural factors that contribute to encouraging women to stay and try and make the situation work. Often, violence is a familiar pattern for the woman, as well as the man. In addition, women often love the men who abuse them, or at least love them initially. Men who batter are not 100 percent hateful, but they can be loving and attentive partners at times. Some women remain emotionally and/or economically dependent on the batterer despite the fact that she faces continued abuse if she stays with him. Women are at highest risk of injury or violence when they are separating from or divorcing a partner. Women can be very intimidated by a partner and the consequences of her leaving. It takes a long time for a woman to give up hope in a relationship and to recognize that the only way she can be safe is to leave him"

 

Remember abuse isn't just in the physical form, it can be in the mental aspect , which is very damaging. For crying out loud, the man wanted you to have sex with another person while you were going down on him, and you saying no made him go soft, and somehow this was a test????? If it truly was a test, he would have been happy to know you didn't want to stray, but no, he went soft, because it wasn't a test, it was a fantasy that you objected to and now he's backtracking and twisting his story.

 

I can only hope for the best of you Phoe, and can only see two things happening

1) Your partner does indeed change and things improve in the relationship

2) Nothing changes, the same and similar problems will occur, and it will take you a very long time to realize before the relationship comes to an end.

 

Sadly more than likely it will be the latter, I just pray a marriage or child does not come into the picture of all of this...