He's dumping me...

[lollipopspot]

From what I gather, he was testing me. He said he trusts me, and just needed to ask those questions over and over knowing that the answer wasn't gonna change, but kinda like what a previous poster said, wanted to "Sherlock" his way into making sure I had never done anything. And I guess, by giving me PERMISSION to hook up with someone else and saying that he WANTED it, by me continually refusing he knew I was really truly loyal.

 

It seems to me that he asked for what he wanted, you didn't go for it, he was afraid he was going to lose you, and now he's coming up with a retroactive story to try to make it seem better. Because "testing" you might be less offensive than trying to pimp you out or whatever.

 

I could be wrong about his motivation, but either way is weird.

 

By weird I mean unacceptable in a relationship.

[tlegend]

Well yesterday afternoon he texted me saying there's a reason for everything he's done.

 

OK. Vague. Whatever.

 

 

His truck is broken down and he needed to be picked up 2 towns over so I agreed to go get him.

 

 

 

 

We sat in my truck and talked.

 

 

From what I gather, he was testing me. He said he trusts me, and just needed to ask those questions over and over knowing that the answer wasn't gonna change, but kinda like what a previous poster said, wanted to "Sherlock" his way into making sure I had never done anything. And I guess, by giving me PERMISSION to hook up with someone else and saying that he WANTED it, by me continually refusing he knew I was really truly loyal.

 

 

It was a test. He totally and completely mind****ed me for a TEST.

 

 

The reason he got distant is because he was afraid I was done with him after refusing the fantasy. He was worried I'd leave, so he got distant.

 

 

And the reason for testing me? The reason for asking probing questions and making me feel that he didn't trust me.

 

 

He put a massive deposit down on a ring last weekend. A Wedding Ring.

 

 

He asked me to marry him. Said we could go down to city hall tomorrow and get a marriage license.

 

 

I said no.

 

 

What the ****? WHY.

 

 

I can't believe I got put through all that for him to propose and ask me to skip a wedding and just marry him in city hall.

 

 

none of that is what I want. what the ****.

 

 

This is signs of someone who has some serious issues.

 

I suggest you go back to the drawing board...and stop being so easy on yourself enough to let guys like this infiltrate your life. You were in love with the idea of him, not him, I think.

 

You know what you need to do now.

[serial muse]

It seems to me that he asked for what he wanted, you didn't go for it, he was afraid he was going to lose you, and now he's coming up with a retroactive story to try to make it seem better. Because "testing" you might be less offensive than trying to pimp you out or whatever.

 

I could be wrong about his motivation, but either way is weird.

 

By weird I mean unacceptable in a relationship.

 

I think this is very possible too.

[contact1]

Wow, I can't even start to think his actions here, where is the logic

 

Run. Just keep running away from this, no one should to endure this much crazy in a relationship. Tests are for kids in school, not for people's emotions.

[Valen]

Phoe, please don't fall for his manipulation anymore. A healthy loving partner will never put someone they love through what you went through. If you think what he did is bad, god forbid you marry this creep. Your marriage will go through accusations of infidelity. He'll accuse you and make you feel like you did something wrong and you will lose all sense of pride. He's trying to control you. He'll eventually destroy your spirit if you let him. He's an emotional abuser. He's a sicko. Phoe, this is just a taste of what's to come. Stop him now and tell him to get lost.

[sooshi]

I am SO glad you said no. You did the right thing, Phoe!!!

[Grumpybutfun]

Well yesterday afternoon he texted me saying there's a reason for everything he's done.

 

OK. Vague. Whatever.

 

 

His truck is broken down and he needed to be picked up 2 towns over so I agreed to go get him.

 

 

 

 

We sat in my truck and talked.

 

 

From what I gather, he was testing me. He said he trusts me, and just needed to ask those questions over and over knowing that the answer wasn't gonna change, but kinda like what a previous poster said, wanted to "Sherlock" his way into making sure I had never done anything. And I guess, by giving me PERMISSION to hook up with someone else and saying that he WANTED it, by me continually refusing he knew I was really truly loyal.

 

 

It was a test. He totally and completely mind****ed me for a TEST.

 

 

The reason he got distant is because he was afraid I was done with him after refusing the fantasy. He was worried I'd leave, so he got distant.

 

 

And the reason for testing me? The reason for asking probing questions and making me feel that he didn't trust me.

 

 

He put a massive deposit down on a ring last weekend. A Wedding Ring.

 

 

He asked me to marry him. Said we could go down to city hall tomorrow and get a marriage license.

 

 

I said no.

 

 

What the ****? WHY.

 

 

I can't believe I got put through all that for him to propose and ask me to skip a wedding and just marry him in city hall.

 

 

none of that is what I want. what the ****.

 

Wow, this is psychotic. Of course it was a test now....he had to say this in order for you to forgive him and move back into his power. I don't believe it was a test at all. I think that was the only thing he could come up with in order to justify to you what he did with the sexual demands. God, how gullible and stupid does he think you are?

 

Phoe, this guy is unstable. He wants marriage because he wants to lock you in as soon as possible because he knows that you aren't blindly following him now. Glad you said no, now go no contact because he is manipulative and will play on your emotions to get you back where he can control you.

 

Sorry, Phoe. This is unfair. Don't let his words cloud your judgment. NC. Be kind to yourself, expect better,

Grumps

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Damn, he is really messed up. This isn't normal..this isn't healthy.

 

I know you recognize this, Phoe, so hold strong and don't get sucked back into this relationship. Your ex needs therapy.

 

This isn't just a red flag situation, this is cannons and grenades...

 

Heed the danger warnings and move on.

[ponchsox]

He's doing you a favor! What a douche!

[pickflicker]

Christ Almighty on a bicycle.

 

I don't really need to give an opinion here, except change your number and run, Forrest, run...

[somedude81]

Christ Almighty on a bicycle.

 

I don't really need to give an opinion here, except change your number and run, Forrest, run...

ROFL!

 

Why is Jesus riding a bike? It's probably hard to pedal in sandals. Is he wearing those special bike shoes that clip on?

[pickflicker]

ROFL!

 

Why is Jesus riding a bike? It's probably hard to pedal in sandals. Is he wearing those special bike shoes that clip on?

 

Urban Dictionary: Christ On A Bike

 

 

Language barrier.

[somedude81]

Urban Dictionary: Christ On A Bike

 

 

Language barrier.

Ha ha.

 

That was great. Literally was Christ on a bike.

[pickflicker]

Ha ha.

 

That was great. Literally was Christ on a bike.

 

 

Back to the topic at hand, the idea that you have to "test" someone in a relationship is ridiculous. You have to give the benefit of the doubt, as horrible as that can sometimes be when it blows up in your face.

 

Look, I don't object to people meeting and marrying quickly (my parents, and my boss being two examples of people who met the person, had no doubts, and made it happen as soon as they could), but this...is just madness. You hadn't even resolved the living situation, where were you expected to shack up?!

 

Urgh...this is so frustrating, what the hell is wrong with some people?

[veggirl]

You guys are still broken up...right?

 

You should block his phone number. You shouldn't interact with him in any capacity from now on. He is crazy.

 

I'm legitimately concerned for safety if you stay with him or in contact with him, Phoe.

[chelsea2011]

Phoe, you're a smart girl for ditching him. What a freaking psycho. Don't let this guy back into your life no matter what he tells you. Yikes!

[Els]

Phoe, this guy has gone in my mind from just insecure, quirky, and clingy.... to full-blown crazy. Sure, some people plan 'surprise' proposals, which usually involves a dinner or holiday together and then a surprise ring. Yours just sounds like a psychopath.

 

Run, run, run, run, run.

[Smilecharmer]

Phoe, I am so sorry he is trying to spin this to make it seem like some sort of weird test. Either way, he isn't healthy and a relationship with him will be more tests, more dpsexual demands, more drama...this isn't normal and it isn't loving at all. Take care of yourself and please don't be fooled by his words.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Well yesterday afternoon he texted me saying there's a reason for everything he's done.

 

OK. Vague. Whatever.

 

 

His truck is broken down and he needed to be picked up 2 towns over so I agreed to go get him.

 

 

 

 

We sat in my truck and talked.

 

 

From what I gather, he was testing me. He said he trusts me, and just needed to ask those questions over and over knowing that the answer wasn't gonna change, but kinda like what a previous poster said, wanted to "Sherlock" his way into making sure I had never done anything. And I guess, by giving me PERMISSION to hook up with someone else and saying that he WANTED it, by me continually refusing he knew I was really truly loyal.

 

 

It was a test. He totally and completely mind****ed me for a TEST.

 

 

The reason he got distant is because he was afraid I was done with him after refusing the fantasy. He was worried I'd leave, so he got distant.

 

 

And the reason for testing me? The reason for asking probing questions and making me feel that he didn't trust me.

 

 

He put a massive deposit down on a ring last weekend. A Wedding Ring.

 

 

He asked me to marry him. Said we could go down to city hall tomorrow and get a marriage license.

 

 

I said no.

 

 

What the ****? WHY.

 

 

I can't believe I got put through all that for him to propose and ask me to skip a wedding and just marry him in city hall.

 

 

none of that is what I want. what the ****.

 

I don't buy this for a second. Clearly, the whole "fantasy thing" (i.e. him asking you to blow another dude) was about seeing how in control of you he is, and how flexible your boundaries are when it comes to him. If it really were a test of your loyalty to him, he would not have lost his erection when you told him what he wanted to hear. So obviously he wanted you to say that you would agree to blow other men, but only on his say so.

 

So really, this is all about control. He knows now from your refusal that you aren't completely under his thumb, and by proposing to you he is looking to change that. So he's trying to pass his earlier actions off as something else; something that although $hitty isn't quite in the same league as wanting your girlfriend to let you pimp her out for your own pleasure.

 

Phoe, I have no doubt that if you accept his clearly false explanation and let him reel you back in, that he will be a perfect gentleman to you for a couple months. But then, probably after you move in together, he is going to begin testing you again to see how much control he has over you. And it will escalate and escalate, and it will be incrementally harder for you to get out of the situation then than it is now.

 

I really hope you can stay strong and stay the hell away from this guy. You're probably going to get a whole lot of apologies and declarations of love, don't fall for it.

[Keenly]

I have no doubt she is strong and wise enough to handle this. Of course it won't be easy, but she knows she is worth more than this treatment.

 

Trust in what she has learned from her time at this forum, and give her time to handle it as see she's fit. She will do the right thing.

[Under The Radar]

Much of the advice I would offer to you Phoe has already been administered throughout the course of this thread. However, I still feel compelled to reiterate a few things:

 

 

You are still supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and have already experienced controlling, manipulative, and abusive behavior by this man. Trust me when I say this is just the tip of the iceberg ...... you don't truly know anyone after only 4 months. At this stage in most relationships people are on good behavior and doing their best to minimize character flaws or perceived weaknesses.

 

 

This guy is literally handing you a partial list, on a silver platter, of dysfunctional and alarming traits ....... traits that are well engrained in him and not leaving anytime soon. If you drove away forever, in your truck, the rear view mirror alone would highlight the burning bright red flags in the distance.

 

 

Again, as others have stated, you have low self-esteem that is a breeding ground for broken individuals like him. Your desire to be loved and form a special connection with a deserving young man is awesome. Your kindness, authenticity, and passion for other people is incredibly refreshing. Please don't waste any of those things, including your heart and time, on this undeserving individual. He will say whatever it takes to win you over ...... even going as far as to offer a marriage proposal. As Grumps already stated, the simple fact of the matter is his desire to "lock you down". This is how an abusive individual "grooms" their victims for the long haul.

 

 

He does not truly love you nor understand critical relationship dynamics such as sacrifice, communication, compromise, selflessness, and patience. The beautiful things he said and did for you in the beginning of this lightening fast courtship were designed to suck you in, remove your profile on Match.com, and get you to commit to someone who was hiding his true cards. This will not get any better, but I promise it will and can get much worse if you allow the innocent and forgiving side of yourself to fall prey to his machinations.

 

 

We all want you to be healthy and happy Phoe, but a relationship with this man will never allow that to be. Please love yourself enough to let him go, start to heal, and move forward in a way that allows someone truly worthy of your affection to find you some memorable day in the future.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Training Revelations

[Kizmet Fisher]

I have no doubt she is strong and wise enough to handle this. Of course it won't be easy, but she knows she is worth more than this treatment.

 

Trust in what she has learned from her time at this forum, and give her time to handle it as see she's fit. She will do the right thing.

 

I agree with you Keenly, but feelings tend to put a haze over rational decision making processes. Even for strong, wise people.

[somedude81]

It's amazing how much support and advice Phoe is getting.

 

You are much loved here Phoe.

 

Please do the right thing.

[KatZee]

Just earlier he was saying how in the past with a girlfriend, he'd break up with her in his head everyday, that everyday he wanted to break up with her and just kept putting it off, and that he never felt like that with me. I feel like he said this to convince himself, rather than me.

 

This is where I felt the need to make a comment. Let's put aside the fact he's a distrustful pig.

 

From what he literally told you, he's never been in a healthy, functioning relationship. It's not normal that he's broken up with every girlfriend in his head, every single day they were together.

 

This is a problem women have. We are told things from new partner, and choose to overlook it, dismiss it, or think, "I'm different, he wouldn't do that to me." And then it happens.

 

This guy is a mess. This relationship ending has nothing to do with you, what you did, or didn't do. You already know you have a lot to offer and you gave it your all. It doesn't matter WHAT you do with damaged people. They will ALWAYS be damaged unless they seek help for it.

[Phoe]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

I took a small road trip today to spend the day with my cousins who live out of town. Kept my mind occupied.

 

 

I tired myself out enough, and I'm mentally drained.

 

 

I don't know what is going on with my life anymore. It's scary. And I just want to sleep for days. I also want to travel back in time 20 years. Life was simple when I was a little girl.

 

 

Why is it so complicated now? I've never liked complicated...