Is weight gain grounds for divorce?

[2sunny]

And living with betrayal and abuse DOES cause some people to gain weight... As a form of self soothing the pain being endured.

[Grumpybutfun]

Sooooo, if he puts her on the defensive and makes her feel guilty - then she's less likely to notice his bad behavior.

 

 

Hmmm, a solid manipulative move for someone who doesn't want to have what they are really doing noticed.

 

She earns a living - while he doesn't. Why would she stay? She is accustomed to a mooch and abuse?

 

Did you give a nod yes - leave him? She may need someone to encourage her to break free from the abuse and drama.

 

He needs me to beat his ass but my wife wont let me fly out there.

 

I have to agree with those who thinks this is a scapegoat plan for infidelity. He is known for doing immature and unethical things like that so my advice was for her to hire an investigator, and a good attorney, start snooping and to not listen to any of his fat rhetoric. She is better off without him.

 

He has already filed for divorce so he has already left her. There is so much about this situation that screams dysfunctional, and I agree that she probably gained weight from living with a blowhard.

G

[pickflicker]

25 is 2 stone

if that helps?

now I`m showing my age!

aM

 

"Stones" aren't metric!

 

2.25lbs to the kg - so roughly 10kg.

[Els]

I just loved some of these responses....they so coincide with my own. First of all, no, the issues they have been fighting has been all centered around her weight. He is apparently verbally abusive and locks the fridge and calls her names and buys her fat clothes in plus sizes which she doesn't wear. He needs me to beat his ass but my wife wont let me fly out there.

 

Eeesh, what an *******. IMO you should be very encouraging towards their divorce; this lady will be better off without him, even if she doesn't see it yet. (Edit: Just read that he has already filed for it, great! The sooner she is rid of him the better.)

 

I also agree with your wife that you shouldn't be putting yourself in jail just to teach him a lesson. My guess is that he will probably end up with his fair share of shallow women after his divorce, which will teach him a far better lesson than a beating will.

[pickflicker]

He needs me to beat his ass but my wife wont let me fly out there.

 

I have to agree with those who thinks this is a scapegoat plan for infidelity. He is known for doing immature and unethical things like that so my advice was for her to hire an investigator, and a good attorney, start snooping and to not listen to any of his fat rhetoric. She is better off without him.

 

He has already filed for divorce so he has already left her. There is so much about this situation that screams dysfunctional, and I agree that she probably gained weight from living with a blowhard.

G

 

He does need a punch in the nose, to be sure.

 

As we age, it becomes harder to maintain weight. So long as you eat right and exercise, the rest is unfortunately age.

 

My mother could not be healthier if she tried. Swims all year round, eats right, but she's 56, and she's got the soft bits around her middle. That's life! The doctor thinks she's going to live to 100, so that's good enough for her.

[not-so-sure]

if you want your wife to be slim

 

You go take her to the gym and exercise with her. Arrange a healthy meal plan for her, eat healthy food with her, and treat her gently and be supportive until she loses the extra weight

 

You don't go divorcing her.

 

The other day there was this extremely atheltic and handsome guy at my gym. He could get any girl, but he was with his girlfriend(or wife) who is a little overweight, and he was with her on every step of the way. Teaching her how to use the machines and supporting her.

 

This is real love and marriage. Not giving ultimatum and threats to your wife that you've been with for 10 years.

 

people don't gain weight because they love that, they gain it out of frustration and after going through rough times.

 

For as many women out there who will acknowledge they are overweight, there are at least twice as many who will stick it to you for even thinking they are. It's a game you can't win.

 

I agree with earlier statements in this thread. It is up to *me* to be attractive to my partner. It is *not* up to me to adjust my expectations of what I find attractive because my partner has put on weight. Why would it be?

 

I married a person with a certain body type (and intelligence, drive and humour, FWIW). Why, on the scale of things is it more shallow to focus on weight, which is *entirely* fixable than on other aspects, such as lack of drive?

 

I only put this out there as a corollary.

 

No doubt the subject of the post is an arse, but it amazes me that beauty and respect for your own body is happily considered a superficial property. You get one. One. That's all. You should treat it the right way.

[Els]

For as many women out there who will acknowledge they are overweight, there are at least twice as many who will stick it to you for even thinking they are. It's a game you can't win.

 

I agree with earlier statements in this thread. It is up to *me* to be attractive to my partner. It is *not* up to me to adjust my expectations of what I find attractive because my partner has put on weight. Why would it be?

 

I married a person with a certain body type (and intelligence, drive and humour, FWIW). Why, on the scale of things is it more shallow to focus on weight, which is *entirely* fixable than on other aspects, such as lack of drive?

 

I only put this out there as a corollary.

 

No doubt the subject of the post is an arse, but it amazes me that beauty and respect for your own body is happily considered a superficial property. You get one. One. That's all. You should treat it the right way.

 

Because life happens, especially in 10 years.

 

Let's consider another aspect: Your job. You work a very stressful but well-paying job, meet a woman, fall in love. 10 years later you feel that your job is taking a toll on your health and sanity, and you want to switch to one that will pay half as well. Your wife says that she fell in love with someone who earns $100k/year and it isn't up to her to adjust her expectations of the kind of lifestyle she has been used to and the type of career man she fell in love with; it's up to YOU to maintain that. Shallow? Reasonable?

 

His wife gained 25 lbs; it is fairly unlikely for 25 lbs to make someone genuinely overweight, unless they were close to overweight to begin with. 25 lbs also causes very minimal impact on one's health. If she had gained 100 (or if the man in my example above had chosen to sit at home unemployed instead of taking a $50k/year job) then yes, there would be reasonable cause for concern. Otherwise, it does seem quite shallow.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Elswyth

[trippi1432]

I just loved some of these responses....they so coincide with my own. First of all, no, the issues they have been fighting has been all centered around her weight. He is apparently verbally abusive and locks the fridge and calls her names and buys her fat clothes in plus sizes which she doesn't wear. He needs me to beat his ass but my wife wont let me fly out there.

 

 

My SIL did know he was petty, an idiot and shallow, but I think she is like all the rest of the women out there who thinks they can change a man. Therefore, me beating him up isn't really going to help either of them because she is culpable for not listening and not being practical and realistic. Why he is doing this is obviously infidelity. She never complains or nags when he plays video games all day, he doesn't hold down stable employment and he flirts with women and chats online. She doesn't complain when he uses their credit cards to buy expensive items they cant afford on her nursing salary. I don't even know what his employment is since he is a douche and we haven't spoken in years. I am nothing like him. I choose to be happy and healthy and take responsibility for my own choices.

I have to agree with those who thinks this is a scapegoat plan for infidelity. He is known for doing immature and unethical things like that so my advice was for her to hire an investigator, and a good attorney, start snooping and to not listen to any of his fat rhetoric. She is better off without him.

 

 

My wife says that she isn't fat (we saw her three months ago) but she could understand if some people did stop being attracted to someone who became lazy, gained loads of weight, became disinterested in activities and basically checked out from taking care of themselves. I can see that, though my brothers situation is nothing like that...he is rather tubby imo and could stand to lose about sixty pounds. In this world there are people who get it, and people who don't, and my younger brother just never got it.

 

 

However, I did some research and apparently this weight gain is a reason for divorce isn't something new. Apparently, people truly believe this. Looks like men are more so to divorce a woman who gains weight during marriage.

 

 

Ah, the drama,

Grumps

 

Grumps - I'm on your side, I'd want to fly out there and whip his a** too.

 

Perhaps there is a viable solution in the tech world today so that he doesn't have to guard the fridge (which just sets into motion a new behavioral mindset of food as a reward). Microsoft is working on a smart bra that tracks a woman's emotional queues to curb binge eating. Kid you not....article right here: Microsoft developed a 'smart' bra - CNN.com

 

Per the article, the bra tracks the emotional patterns of a woman's body using sensors. Once the sensors pick up the pattern that sets on binge eating, the sensors send a message to an app on a smartphone alerting the wearer that they are about to have an episode of emotional eating. Now, the very first time I read about this, months ago, Microsoft had not divulged much of how the smart bra curbed the pattern and some tech articles made suggestions that the smart bra's sensors would send a shocking jolt to the wearer when a binge eating episode was about to take place. Of course, that didn't go over well, so now they have divulged that a smart phone and an app are actually the solution. However, that's not to say a shocking jolt might not be an option to the smart bra in the future and they state that the researchers are also looking at smart undergarments for men as well.

 

Now I can see how smart undergarments could help in both binge eating and infidelity or verbal abuse when used together, say a smart bra and smart skivvies (for men) sold as a set for married couples. Could you imagine that infidelity might even be cut in half if they had smart skivvies that could detect that the wife's smart bra was not in close proximity yet the sensors sensed arousal? Then the smart skivvies could send a jolt of electricity (about like being struck by lightening ) to the wearer's nether regions to immediately curb the behavior unless only his wife were around. Imagine the marriages saved from infidelity!! :D Perhaps there could be a way to reverse engineer this so it also works with unfaithful women.

 

I think you should sign your brother up for this research immediately, with the option of the "shocking" method (which could be akin to whipping his a**). Perhaps they have research on curbing verbal abuse too by detecting the rage factor and rendering a good tasering experience to the perpetrator. Technology is amazing isn't it? A little scary too in what people can think up. :o

 

Actually, had that technology been available when I was with my exH, he probably would have been unconscious a lot on detecting verbal abuse and the rage factor.

 

Kudos to you for the advice you gave his wife on the attorney and an investigator.

Edited April 6, 2014 by trippi1432
Addition

[2sunny]

Apparently her weight isn't the issue - as grumpy's wife stated she isn't fat.

 

The problem is the lazy, immature, hyper critical cheating husband.

 

Remove the problem (husband) from the equation and she has her solution.

[Grumpybutfun]

I've spent my life beating his ass.....still hasn't worked, he is bound and determined to be a an assclown. His wife called us, though I have nothing to do with him, because she knows I have spent most of my life trying to stop him from his need to recycle our childhood dysfunction.

 

My wife and I talked last night about what is considered fat to us. She said fat is if a man had a Dunlap...his belly dunlapped over his jeans. I said it is if I can't pick her up and eat her out while standing up. Show me, she quipped. Nice foray into a good evening here at the old grumpy homestead.

 

Would I divorce my wife for getting fat? No, probably not, because weight gain is only a symptom of issues and I would do everything in my power to figure those issues out together and rectify them. My wife is a few years younger than me and hasn't gained weight since we met. She says she gained five pounds but I can't tell it. She is a tiny woman at five feet tall so she can't carry much around on her tiny feet. She eats healthy, works out everyday and is active. She is beautiful and sexy. I gained weight, mostly muscle since weight training and kickboxing...and she is very happy with the results. I am a large man, but I make sure it is all muscle. I like to think I can fish, ranch, ride horses, and hunt into my nineties like my grandfather too.

 

I doubt we would have such a amazing sex life if either of us were fat because the attraction would lessen. We are both attracted to fit people, though I know plenty of people who like their women curvy and their men plump. I'm just referring to what we enjoy. I am pretty much treated like a sex object at my house. "Don't forget to take off your shirt so I can see your muscles while mowing," or " wear these jeans because they cup your package and butt better" or she will pick out some beautiful vintage dresses for her because she can still wear what women in the 1920s wore. She likes pretty dainty things and I like her in them.

 

Attractiveness is really a boon for marriage, even though it isn't the only component to it. As long as we are both trying to stay healthy and look nice for each other, I will be content and so will she. We know we are aging, and we know those pounds will creep on someday, but we are still young enough to make sure it is at a minimum through diet and excercise. We are grateful medical issues haven't touched our lives and if they ever do, weight gain isn't my concern in those situations, she is.

 

She has a sister who is obese...same genes and same childhood, but the difference is that my wife cares about herself, did what she had to do (therapy) so her childhood wouldn't control her life, knows how to communicate to me what she needs or what she wants and is forthcoming with her expectations of me and our children. My younger complaining brother is way fatter than me, the same height 6'3. He eats crap and is a couch potato. It really is about what you put into your body...the time and the food.

 

Honestly, I didn't expect them to last this long. She is a nice girl, if a bit passive, and will be fine. She was the healthiest girl he has ever been out with....the string of drug addicts and bulimics is alarming. She will find someone better.

 

Thanks for all the feedback,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

Grumps - I'm on your side, I'd want to fly out there and whip his a** too.

 

Perhaps there is a viable solution in the tech world today so that he doesn't have to guard the fridge (which just sets into motion a new behavioral mindset of food as a reward). Microsoft is working on a smart bra that tracks a woman's emotional queues to curb binge eating. Kid you not....article right here: Microsoft developed a 'smart' bra - CNN.com

 

Per the article, the bra tracks the emotional patterns of a woman's body using sensors. Once the sensors pick up the pattern that sets on binge eating, the sensors send a message to an app on a smartphone alerting the wearer that they are about to have an episode of emotional eating. Now, the very first time I read about this, months ago, Microsoft had not divulged much of how the smart bra curbed the pattern and some tech articles made suggestions that the smart bra's sensors would send a shocking jolt to the wearer when a binge eating episode was about to take place. Of course, that didn't go over well, so now they have divulged that a smart phone and an app are actually the solution. However, that's not to say a shocking jolt might not be an option to the smart bra in the future and they state that the researchers are also looking at smart undergarments for men as well.

 

Now I can see how smart undergarments could help in both binge eating and infidelity or verbal abuse when used together, say a smart bra and smart skivvies (for men) sold as a set for married couples. Could you imagine that infidelity might even be cut in half if they had smart skivvies that could detect that the wife's smart bra was not in close proximity yet the sensors sensed arousal? Then the smart skivvies could send a jolt of electricity (about like being struck by lightening ) to the wearer's nether regions to immediately curb the behavior unless only his wife were around. Imagine the marriages saved from infidelity!! :D Perhaps there could be a way to reverse engineer this so it also works with unfaithful women.

 

I think you should sign your brother up for this research immediately, with the option of the "shocking" method (which could be akin to whipping his a**). Perhaps they have research on curbing verbal abuse too by detecting the rage factor and rendering a good tasering experience to the perpetrator. Technology is amazing isn't it? A little scary too in what people can think up. :o

 

Actually, had that technology been available when I was with my exH, he probably would have been unconscious a lot on detecting verbal abuse and the rage factor.

 

Kudos to you for the advice you gave his wife on the attorney and an investigator.

 

:lmao:

Knowing how sex crazed most of us men are, we would probably grow to enjoy the jolt on our junk.

G

[trippi1432]

:lmao:

Knowing how sex crazed most of us men are, we would probably grow to enjoy the jolt on our junk.

G

 

Most likely..did LMAO at this..but remember...when your back goes out and you can't lift your wife that high...it's not her fault. :p:p

[Els]

 

Honestly, I didn't expect them to last this long. She is a nice girl, if a bit passive, and will be fine. She was the healthiest girl he has ever been out with....the string of drug addicts and bulimics is alarming. She will find someone better.

 

Yup, and I think she will at least stop gaining weight (if not lose some) once their divorce is finalized and she manages to move on. If she was the sole provider as well as doing all the housework (as I would imagine she'd be if he sits at home playing video games all day), these things that she needed to do singlehandedly for their survival would probably have taken precedence over her own health and beauty. When that burden is lifted, she will probably have more time and energy at her disposal to work out and eat well.

 

She'll be more than fine, IMO.

[aussietigerwolf]

To be honest, he should have brought it up as an issue after the first 10 pounds of weight gain. The horse has bolted now and it's not easy to lose 25 pounds. It's baffling how women put on this much weight and expect their husbands/bf's to still want to be with them. The same applies to men who gain as much. Just stop eating when you're full, it's not difficult.

 

absolutely, because gods forbid they became a couple for reasons other than appearance...

Edited April 7, 2014 by aussietigerwolf

[InnocentMan]

absolutely, because gods forbid they became a couple for reasons other than appearance...

 

 

Erm, there's actually a very good reason that unattractive people end up alone with cats, or married to similarly unattractive people. Whether you like it or not, almost 100% of men, marry women based entirely on their looks. Don't kid yourself.

 

When I say 'men', i of course mean real, desirable men. Not desperate chumps who marry the first thing that flashes their overweight ass at them.

[Anela]

Erm, there's actually a very good reason that unattractive people end up alone with cats, or married to similarly unattractive people. Whether you like it or not, almost 100% of men, marry women based entirely on their looks. Don't kid yourself.

 

When I say 'men', i of course mean real, desirable men. Not desperate chumps who marry the first thing that flashes their overweight ass at them.

 

Wow, even a bunch of cats would stay away from that attitude. I've had pets my whole life, and infinitely prefer their company to someone/something so shallow.

[Emilia]

Well there is someone I like who - while reasonably active - has also started putting weight on. He likes his ice cream. I still find him very attractive and he turns me on but I'm not sure he would do 25-30 lbs down the line and he is probably taller than the woman you are talking about grumps.

 

I'm pretty fit and sporty and I dress for my man, I kind of expect the same to be honest. If I married someone and he decided he wanted to let himself go, I'm not sure I'd stick around for very long. I don't really understand how anyone can call this shallow since the way you look on the outside is a reflection of how you feel on the inside, non? Who wants a fat slob on their couch? Or do I draw the line at 30lbs and divorce him when he hits 40lbs?

[Els]

Well there is someone I like who - while reasonably active - has also started putting weight on. He likes his ice cream. I still find him very attractive and he turns me on but I'm not sure he would do 25-30 lbs down the line and he is probably taller than the woman you are talking about grumps.

 

I'm pretty fit and sporty and I dress for my man, I kind of expect the same to be honest. If I married someone and he decided he wanted to let himself go, I'm not sure I'd stick around for very long. I don't really understand how anyone can call this shallow since the way you look on the outside is a reflection of how you feel on the inside, non? Who wants a fat slob on their couch? Or do I draw the line at 30lbs and divorce him when he hits 40lbs?

 

It's probably a personal preference; I wouldn't leave my guy if he gained 25 lbs and wouldn't want to be with someone who'd do that to me, but if anyone else chooses to do so it's their prerogative and I wouldn't judge them for it.

 

In the case Grumpy mentioned, though, there's a lot more afoot than just personal preference. The man is abusive, is 60 lbs overweight, and contributes nothing to their income or household. That is likely why people are so hard on him, and more understanding towards his wife.

[Emilia]

It's probably a personal preference; I wouldn't leave my guy if he gained 25 lbs and wouldn't want to be with someone who'd do that to me, but if anyone else chooses to do so it's their prerogative and I wouldn't judge them for it.

Of course, it's a personal preference. 25lbs is probably a bad example though someone's height etc plays into things. I'd like to know what most people would do once that 25lbs got to 40 lbs.

In the case Grumpy mentioned, though, there's a lot more afoot than just personal preference. The man is abusive, is 60 lbs overweight, and contributes nothing to their income or household. That is likely why people are so hard on him, and more understanding towards his wife.

Sure, there is always more than just the weight. I suppose I don't tend to see one person as the victim and the other as the perpetrator in a marriage. It takes two to live together. As long as he doesn't hold her locked in the house, she is perfectly capable of leaving him, I'd imagine. If she is staying, she is staying. Judging the dynamic between two people is difficult as you know from being here on LS for years.

 

In real life I've hardly ever seen such clear-cut black and white situations as often displayed on threads on LS.

[aMguilts]

Put on 25 pounds and see how your husband/other half looks at you. 25 pounds on a slim woman is noticeable, and men don't like it. How controversial of me to point out the obvious. Why do you think so many men have affairs in their late 30's, early 40's? It's not because they don't love their wife. It's because they don't like having sex with the beached whales that their woman has become.

 

Don't be knocking my comments, when your best shot was advising her to divorce him. It's him that should be divorcing her for letting herself go.

 

 

so MANY men have affairs, because the woman they promised to love in sickness and in health, for good or worse...yadder yadder yadder....

have affairs because she`s not the same woman they married because they put weight on? is that what your saying??

 

 

So could a wife divorce a husband...because he`s started to go a bit bald?

imagine it.

`sorry husband, you`ve got less hair than when I married you, your not the same man I married, i want a divorce `

 

 

NO woman would EVER do that, and why would they?

 

 

aM

Edited April 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Emilia]

So could a wife divorce a husband...because he`s started to go a bit bald?

imagine it.

`sorry husband, you`ve got less hair than when I married you, your not the same man I married, i want a divorce `

The difference is that baldness can't be helped but weight gain can - in most cases. Many men get bald, everyone gets wrinkles, start sagging, facts of life.

 

The loss of attraction isn't necessarily that the person has more fat on them, it's the fact that they lose control over their own life. What most average/leaner/slim people think when faced with a larger person is how they allowed themselves to get to that stage.

[aMguilts]

Erm, there's actually a very good reason that unattractive people end up alone with cats, or married to similarly unattractive people. Whether you like it or not, almost 100% of men, marry women based entirely on their looks. Don't kid yourself.

 

When I say 'men', i of course mean real, desirable men. Not desperate chumps who marry the first thing that flashes their overweight ass at them.

 

 

wtf?

 

 

define `unattractive` for me please innocentMan ???

 

 

I`d love to see YOUR definition of it!!

 

 

aM

[aMguilts]

The difference is that baldness can't be helped but weight gain can - in most cases. Many men get bald, everyone gets wrinkles, start sagging, facts of life.

 

The loss of attraction isn't necessarily that the person has more fat on them, it's the fact that they lose control over their own life. What most average/leaner/slim people think when faced with a larger person is how they allowed themselves to get to that stage.

 

 

elephant in the room

sorry , you missed the point

 

 

how has she `lost control` of her life?

because she puta bit of weight on?

 

 

who`s to say what the perfect weight is?

that is NOT the issue here is it?

 

 

bottom line in mho, is that he couldn`t of loved her that much in the 1st place to marry her

 

 

aM

[Emilia]

elephant in the room

sorry , you missed the point

 

how has she `lost control` of her life?

because she put weight

Yes. Emotional eating. This is why people put excessive amount of weight on. That's the point.

who`s to say what the perfect weight is?

that is NOT the issue here is it?

I'd imagine most people would define the perfect weight as the weight the person was when they met, got attracted to and started dating. Once you significantly deviate from that, you will risk losing the other person's attraction.

bottom line in mho, is that he couldn`t of loved her that much in the 1st place to marry her

Maybe he didn't, who knows? I think it's unrealistic to believe that you can do what you like during your marriage with your body and the other person will unconditionally love you and feel attracted to you. It works both ways of course.

[aMguilts]

ok your right I`m wrong

she ate an `excessive` amount of food and cos of that put on weight..

understandable, she`s not the woman he fell in love with, and as his knuckles are dragging on ground, cant see the wood for the tree`s so she should divorce him for being unreasonable...sorry

he should divorce her..for being emotionally happy.

 

 

and again I agree with you

attraction is what we all feel when we fall in love

you find someone your attracted too...easy part, then they have to concur and then they have to stay EXACTLY as they were when they 1st met

deviate at all for any reason, then again they should have a claim for ending it

 

 

"Maybe he didn't, who knows? I think it's unrealistic to believe that you can do what you like during your marriage with your body and the other person will unconditionally love you and feel attracted to you. It works both ways of course. "

 

 

again I agree

your right, you cant do `whatever you like` during a marriage!!

you should behave and do and look EXACTLY the same for now and always as you did in the start of the relationship

 

 

aM

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