crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[atreides]

While I never really accepted the issues she had with me as valid reasons "WHY" the affair happened, I did see them as true flaws. No woman wants the man they love to send 75% of his time away from her and the family. I took the job for selfish reasons. I no longer travel.

 

Below you will say, you did not choose the job over her. I also fail to see selfishness with your employment situation. However, you are right a marriage that endures long periods of separation is constantly strained but as with my military friends... choices are made, it's not like we are blind to what we want at the time as with wives of military men and even more so with your wife who followed you repeatedly when there was many outs.

 

 

She has explained to me her thinking leading to and during her affair. She was lonely and felt I didn't care about her because I choose a job over her. This wasn't true but it was true to her. It was something she nagged me about before her affair. She said the affair wasn't to hurt me or revenge but really an exit affair.

 

Too bad she followed and followed you to come up with such a poor excuse that contradicts her past behavior.

 

Biggest issue was her telling me "its not that I didn't think about you, or how it would hurt you. At the time I didn't respect you enough for it to stop me" those words have stuck with me. I can mentally grasp the feeling, after all I was a selfish d*ck, but it hurt, even to this day.

 

My issue with her is the longevity of it all.... and contradictions, but that is to be expected... sadly i suppose. The other thing is as you said, there was no remorse until the papers were served, which actually is consistent with the bolded above and one of the few things that don't contradict, which is very tragic. This is a huge deal actually and what has she shown you post the D to have changed that?

 

Sometimes love is not enough, what good is it if all the other important aspects are absent, like "respecting you enough?"

[JourneyLady]

Ok, so ex and I had the meeting last night. Right away I knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say. She looked so scared, and I could tell she had cried a lot before hand.

 

She says, no need in putting it off. She goes on to tell me the affair actaully lasted two years She said she didn't love him but she did care about him. She said she thought I knew so they got super careful, no calls, texts or emails. The reason she thought I knew was one of my really good friends caught her (kissing and hugging) with this guy and she was sure he would tell. Well he didn't, what a friend.

 

Once I found out, she said the affair continued for about 10 months (during the 14 months of hell) when the OM forced her hand "me or him" she stayed with me. Told me the affair was a ONS that turned EA then full on EA/PA. After the ONS it was 7 months before they had sex again then maybe once every month or so. She claims they had sex 8 times in two years. I'm alittle iffy on that one.

 

After she ended it he started ramping up the attempts to communicate with her. Which makes sense it was during the fights about me checking her phone which lead to me filing. She saved the emails because she said she actaully feared this guy after she broke it off. She showed them to me in them he was saying he would tell me, he was going to contact me and everyone she knows. Pathetic dude. He was either crazy or he really fell for her.

 

I told her where my mind went in those days this stuff is pretty mild. I felt she was still involved during the hell months but I couldn't find anything.

 

She said she always thought she could fix it with me, her plan was to stall me out, and slowly rebuild the marriage. When she got the papers she said she threw up at her desk. She said she truely never thought I would leave her no matter what she did she thought she could fix it. When my atty office called and told me she got them something told me I had to leave the home today to really drive the message home.

 

The meeting lasted until this morning then she stayed over. Down stairs like always when she stays over. We never allow the kids to see us together in that way.

 

I'm not sure it cleared anything up. We lost direction and went all over the place. Maybe it would be best handled in a MC setting with someone to keep us on course. Well we're off as a family, son has a baseball tourny. Yeah not looking forward to this. No sleep and now watching baseball all day.

 

Hopefully this isn't too bad, typed out on the droid in a hurry. Ill fix it later(sounds like my ex)

 

Well she chose you over him, so that was a good start. Aside from counseling, she needs to learn boundaries and what is appropriate and what is not. The good news is that with the guy being that psycho and her not going back to him even though she could have is that you really have the surety of no competition. Not all BS's have that, and have to worry about the candle being re-lit.

 

Everyone has emotional needs and very few people are actually able to go without them being met. It's obvious the guy tried to meet her emotional needs in order to keep her with him. Again I suggest reading "His Needs, Her Needs", because it clarified for me what was lost in my own marriage.

 

Sounds like it's starting fairly well now that all the really bad stuff is out of the way. Unlike others, I believe in 180's, turn arounds and happy endings. Maybe it's just because I am half a happy ending at the moment. :-) Far different than I was during my marriage. I haven't found my permanent mate yet, but when I do (and in the R I was in) I have been faithful. (Mine was LDEA, his was PA).

[atreides]

Ok, so ex and I had the meeting last night. Right away I knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say. She looked so scared, and I could tell she had cried a lot before hand.

 

She says, no need in putting it off. She goes on to tell me the affair actaully lasted two years She said she didn't love him but she did care about him. She said she thought I knew so they got super careful, no calls, texts or emails. The reason she thought I knew was one of my really good friends caught her (kissing and hugging) with this guy and she was sure he would tell. Well he didn't, what a friend.

 

Once I found out, she said the affair continued for about 10 months (during the 14 months of hell) when the OM forced her hand "me or him" she stayed with me. Told me the affair was a ONS that turned EA then full on EA/PA. After the ONS it was 7 months before they had sex again then maybe once every month or so. She claims they had sex 8 times in two years. I'm alittle iffy on that one.

 

After she ended it he started ramping up the attempts to communicate with her. Which makes sense it was during the fights about me checking her phone which lead to me filing. She saved the emails because she said she actaully feared this guy after she broke it off. She showed them to me in them he was saying he would tell me, he was going to contact me and everyone she knows. Pathetic dude. He was either crazy or he really fell for her.

 

I told her where my mind went in those days this stuff is pretty mild. I felt she was still involved during the hell months but I couldn't find anything.

 

She said she always thought she could fix it with me, her plan was to stall me out, and slowly rebuild the marriage. When she got the papers she said she threw up at her desk. She said she truely never thought I would leave her no matter what she did she thought she could fix it. When my atty office called and told me she got them something told me I had to leave the home today to really drive the message home.

 

The meeting lasted until this morning then she stayed over. Down stairs like always when she stays over. We never allow the kids to see us together in that way.

 

I'm not sure it cleared anything up. We lost direction and went all over the place. Maybe it would be best handled in a MC setting with someone to keep us on course. Well we're off as a family, son has a baseball tourny. Yeah not looking forward to this. No sleep and now watching baseball all day.

 

Hopefully this isn't too bad, typed out on the droid in a hurry. Ill fix it later(sounds like my ex)

 

 

Wow, so the affair was longer that i had initially thought... you must really love her. I am not one to say stay or go, but love is sometimes not enough or to counter, many of us do not know "love" for what it is but live life thinking we do. It is not unheard of to re-marry, but reading other posts, you said you don't want to be the "controlling, jealous guy" well what about "a wife that respects you?" Whether you re-marry or not, as some have suggested just living together... the context at this point is to save yourself form the pain... whether you just live without marriage or not, it won't change that aspect, having a "trial period" won't either. You need to be sure of it and take the risk or don't, but don't dance around it.

[Fluttershy]

I get what your saying about not being there. Marriages suffer without quality time. Actually all relationships do. So your neglect and her unwillingness to stand up for herself and what she wanted created an unhappy marriage. One she made a whole lot worse by choosing to step out. And so te marriage was ended.

 

Do you feel she is beinf honest now? If she isn't do you have a line on when trickle truth is a dealbreaker again? Do you feel she has grown up a lot? Do you feel should she display earlier behaviour you will face it head on and confront her?

[Spectre]

Ok, so ex and I had the meeting last night. Right away I knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say. She looked so scared, and I could tell she had cried a lot before hand.

 

She says, no need in putting it off. She goes on to tell me the affair actaully lasted two years She said she didn't love him but she did care about him. She said she thought I knew so they got super careful, no calls, texts or emails. The reason she thought I knew was one of my really good friends caught her (kissing and hugging) with this guy and she was sure he would tell. Well he didn't, what a friend.

 

Once I found out, she said the affair continued for about 10 months (during the 14 months of hell) when the OM forced her hand "me or him" she stayed with me. Told me the affair was a ONS that turned EA then full on EA/PA. After the ONS it was 7 months before they had sex again then maybe once every month or so. She claims they had sex 8 times in two years. I'm alittle iffy on that one.

 

After she ended it he started ramping up the attempts to communicate with her. Which makes sense it was during the fights about me checking her phone which lead to me filing. She saved the emails because she said she actaully feared this guy after she broke it off. She showed them to me in them he was saying he would tell me, he was going to contact me and everyone she knows. Pathetic dude. He was either crazy or he really fell for her.

 

I told her where my mind went in those days this stuff is pretty mild. I felt she was still involved during the hell months but I couldn't find anything.

 

She said she always thought she could fix it with me, her plan was to stall me out, and slowly rebuild the marriage. When she got the papers she said she threw up at her desk. She said she truely never thought I would leave her no matter what she did she thought she could fix it. When my atty office called and told me she got them something told me I had to leave the home today to really drive the message home.

 

The meeting lasted until this morning then she stayed over. Down stairs like always when she stays over. We never allow the kids to see us together in that way.

 

I'm not sure it cleared anything up. We lost direction and went all over the place. Maybe it would be best handled in a MC setting with someone to keep us on course. Well we're off as a family, son has a baseball tourny. Yeah not looking forward to this. No sleep and now watching baseball all day.

 

Hopefully this isn't too bad, typed out on the droid in a hurry. Ill fix it later(sounds like my ex)

 

Hold on though, earlier in the thread you mentioned the affair lasted for 9 months and was physical for the last two. Now you just said she said it was two years, which means she lied to you.

 

So, remind me why you even want to take this person back? She has just shown you she is a liar and a cheater. Why do you want such a cruel person back? Either you are a glutton for punishment or you need to not continue a relationship with this woman. At this point I am struggling to find any good reason for you to legitimately want to be with this woman. I admit to being a tad bit confused, these latest revelations obviously show a serious lack of love and respect on her part. If you are continuing with her I assume it will be for your children and not because you genuinely trust such a dishonest and shady person?

Edited April 5, 2014 by Spectre

[DKT3]

I will try to answer the comments with this one post.

 

The TT is a result of me never allowing her to give me detail or really wanting to talk about the affair at all once she truely confessed. What was the point? We were divorcing at that point.

 

My taking the job was very selfish, it was lower paying with weaker benefits. The job allowed me time to explore life and the world. Leaving her home with kids she wasn't ready to have because I convinced her. I enjoy the support but I can admitt I was a horrible husband. Even my mother has confirmed that. No excuse for what she did, however I can honestly say I didn't give her much reason to "not have the affair"

 

Again, I don't have much problems with what she told me, because she has tried to tell me before. I know some will say if she really wanted me to know she would have found a way. I know this will be asked because I asked myself. Then this morning (she has stayed over the entire weekend) I asked, she says because I was being so nice during the divorce that she didn't want to piss me off or change anything. She says it was selfish, and once I said I didn't care to know anything about it she was ok with it.

 

I honestly can't say I'm any closer to making a decision. If forced I would say we stay apart. This is tough, as I told her this is going to have to be all or nothing. We have to stop running on the treadmill.

 

I will admitt the two years shook me, and has me asking myself why I'm even thinking about this.

 

She simply make my life better, friends tell me its just comfort. One thing that I worry about is how focused she has been on "getting me back" for the past 5 years. What happens to that focus and drive if we are together? Where does she place it?

[Spectre]

I have to say you seem to really be trying to make excuses for this woman. Like you just said, the 2 year lie speaks volumes and you for some reason still want this woman in your life. You say she makes your life better? That makes me sad, because it makes me wonder how good your life could be if a person such as this actually enriches it.

 

I think you need to walk away. You will always have these nagging issues in the back of your mind about this, about her, about her honesty. I say again, she told you this only happened over 9 months and then suddenly it jumped from that..to two years? Sorry, that right there tells you everything you need to know. She will lie to you and manipulate the facts in order to get what she wants. If you are a glutton for punishment, stay with her. If not? I urge you to stay the course you originally laid out and just keep her as nothing more then an ex.

 

The way she reacted to the affair, etc. tells me it is likely to happen again in one way or another. Maybe it will just be another emotional affair, maybe not, but for me this is like if you got sent back in time and were given tickets to board the Titanic and for some reason you said "to heck with history" and decided to gamble anyways and board that doomed ship even though you were 100% sure that sooner or later it would hit an iceberg and sink.

 

I really do get how hard it can be to let go of someone who meant so much to you, but just think that..if you meant as much to them as they do to you that you would not be on an internet forum posting about how your wife cheated on you, blamed you for it, etc.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Spectre

[DKT3]

I have to say you seem to really be trying to make excuses for this woman. Like you just said, the 2 year lie speaks volumes and you for some reason still want this woman in your life. You say she makes your life better? That makes me sad, because it makes me wonder how good your life could be if a person such as this actually enriches it.

 

I think you need to walk away. You will always have these nagging issues in the back of your mind about this, about her, about her honesty. I say again, she told you this only happened over 9 months and then suddenly it jumped from that..to two years? Sorry, that right there tells you everything you need to know. She will lie to you and manipulate the facts in order to get what she wants. If you are a glutton for punishment, stay with her. If not? I urge you to stay the course you originally laid out and just keep her as nothing more then an ex.

 

The way she reacted to the affair, etc. tells me it is likely to happen again in one way or another. Maybe it will just be another emotional affair, maybe not, but for me this is like if you got sent back in time and were given tickets to board the Titanic and for some reason you said "to heck with history" and decided to gamble anyways and board that doomed ship even though you were 100% sure that sooner or later it would hit an iceberg and sink.

 

I really do get how hard it can be to let go of someone who meant so much to you, but just think that..if you meant as much to them as they do to you that you would not be on an internet forum posting about how your wife cheated on you, blamed you for it, etc.

 

If we we're the same people now I would agree. Hell if either one of us was what we were it would be stupid to try again. She has been in IC since 2008, I've done some not nearly as much as her.

 

It seems that her cheating was the biggest issue, I get that, this is a forum about infidelity meaning most here have been touched by it. The thing is if you take away her cheating everyone, not some, would be calling her crazy for wanting me back. Her infidelity sucked, and she sucked, so I divorced her. She isn't that person NOW.

[DKT3]

Ooops, double post

Edited April 7, 2014 by DKT3

[bigman1]

DKT,

 

If she has worked for 5 years fixing herself and trying to win you back and she just fearfully told you the whole truth (only because you would not allow her to come clean earlier) then I say get on that horse again.

 

Her energy that she spent trying to get you back is going to be spent any way you guys want it. Be it proving that you made the right choice or moving you guys forward as a power couple raising your kids, I think it is worth the risk.

 

Seriously, the only wild card is going to be you. Are you gonna start triggering or something. truthfully, you dumped her like a bad cold, used her for sex, got other women, strung her along, had her freaking out about telling you some stuff from years ago, and she has been working to get you back since you kicked her to the curb? Man, you have lived the betrayed husband dream. If both of you have grown, this is a safer bet than marrying someone new. Believe me when I tell you, I have no love for cheaters. I want them to suffer and lament and have a rude awakening. She got all of that. She has served her time. Get in there.

[DKT3]

DKT,

 

If she has worked for 5 years fixing herself and trying to win you back and she just fearfully told you the whole truth (only because you would not allow her to come clean earlier) then I say get on that horse again.

 

Her energy that she spent trying to get you back is going to be spent any way you guys want it. Be it proving that you made the right choice or moving you guys forward as a power couple raising your kids, I think it is worth the risk.

 

Seriously, the only wild card is going to be you. Are you gonna start triggering or something. truthfully, you dumped her like a bad cold, used her for sex, got other women, strung her along, had her freaking out about telling you some stuff from years ago, and she has been working to get you back since you kicked her to the curb? Man, you have lived the betrayed husband dream. If both of you have grown, this is a safer bet than marrying someone new. Believe me when I tell you, I have no love for cheaters. I want them to suffer and lament and have a rude awakening. She got all of that. She has served her time. Get in there.

 

This has been our dynamic for 21 or the 23 years we have been involved. Her making all the effort and doing all the work. For two years she lied and cheated. It was horrible, yet I wouldn't entertain being with her again had the relationship been more balanced.

 

I guess one could say I'm making excuses but I was there (well not really).

[Spark1111]

This has been our dynamic for 21 or the 23 years we have been involved. Her making all the effort and doing all the work. For two years she lied and cheated. It was horrible, yet I wouldn't entertain being with her again had the relationship been more balanced.

 

I guess one could say I'm making excuses but I was there (well not really).

 

Well you are making excuses in that you do not know how to give, give, and give some more to a relationship.

 

You just took, took, and took some more from her. Did you RESPECT and CHERISH her and make her feelings a priority in importance to you?

 

Prior to my fWH's affair, which lasted almost 2 years with a needy D co-worker, the man was here everyday and we built something substantial together; from kids to homes, to jobs, to participation in the community.

 

We laughed, we cried, we argued, we made love and we jumped in with both feet to create this life.

 

Today, I view his affair as both an act of desperation for admiration and a diversion from real loneliness and depression. An anomaly in an otherwise solid, loving relationship.

 

I have as more loving, wonderful memories of our time together as I do pain and heartache from his stupid affair.

 

Does she? Do you?

 

maybe I am unusual for a fBS, but I, too was ALONE too much with young children as he went to prove himself at one job after another. I begged to spend MORE TIME together and was dismissed because after all, he was working hard to provide for us.

 

I am amazed I didn't have an affair. Loneliness, despite outward appearances of a successful marriage, can make someone very, very vulnerable to the romantic attentions of another.

 

Just saying, there but for the grace of GOD, could have gone me......

[LeGenDary_Man]

DKT3,

 

I am as Anti-Cheating as anyone can get but even I think that you should give reconciliation a chance.

 

Your EX:-

 

1. Have remained focused on you even after the divorce, have not dated any person (5 years and counting).

2. Taken IC and is now fully honest with you.

3. Have been cooperative with you on the matters of co-parenting.

4. You and her have remained intimate after divorce, if I am not wrong (I do not support this behavior at personal capacity but this shows that you two are still in to each other)

 

Your EX seems to have learned from her past errors and is now reconciliation-worthy, IMO.

 

You have admitted that you haven't been a model husband either but you are still being selfish with your EX by using her affections to your advantage. Do not do this.

 

Take your time to reprocess the information (about the affair) that your EX have disclosed to you recently but keep in mind that this is actually a positive development for both of you; everything is out in the open now. Ideally, their should be no dirty secrets kept between the two of you and foundations of a new relationship should be built on absolute honesty.

 

Develop a reconciliation plan (a roadmap) with your EX and follow through it, if you really want to reconcile. Define boundaries of your relationship, make MC a part of it and keep the door to marriage open.

 

---

 

The roadmap can be like this:-

 

Prerequisite: Define boundaries for new relationship

Stage 1. MC

Stage 2. Marriage

 

Do let your EX know that you would give marriage a consideration if she meets your expectations during the reconciliation process. This would boost her morale and commitment level to you.

 

---

 

Otherwise, stop punishing your EX and let her go.

 

However, I would advice you to consider reconciliation (your EX have proved with her actions during 5 years span that she deserve one more chance). Your EX seems to be better then many WW out there, give her a chance to prove herself.

 

All the best.

Edited April 7, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man

[Spectre]

If we we're the same people now I would agree. Hell if either one of us was what we were it would be stupid to try again. She has been in IC since 2008, I've done some not nearly as much as her.

 

It seems that her cheating was the biggest issue, I get that, this is a forum about infidelity meaning most here have been touched by it. The thing is if you take away her cheating everyone, not some, would be calling her crazy for wanting me back. Her infidelity sucked, and she sucked, so I divorced her. She isn't that person NOW.

 

For me though I think you are missing the point. I don't think it matters how she behaves now, what matters is the overall message that her actions send out to you. People who are in love do not cheat. It does not mean they do not have problems, they just simply don't cheat.

 

You seem to be focusing on the fact that this happened in the past, but that doesn't matter. We aren't talking about things that happened before you even met her, we are talking about things she did while with you. I think that changes things.

 

You say she isn't that person now, my response is so what? Why spend your life with someone who could ever be that type of person? Plus you have no guarantee that this won't happen again. The problem I see here is it seems like you are making excuses for this woman. That is how it comes off, with all the "it was in the past" and stuff. That's not good, and it is especially not good to get back into a relationship with that type of person. Your focus seems to be that she won't act this way anymore, instead of realizing that she should of never acted this way in the first place. She basically tainted the entire relationship with her actions. If she truly had any significant amount of love or respect for you..she would of not ever even considered getting with another man, but she did..and that is all there is to it.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Spectre

[LeGenDary_Man]

For me though I think you are missing the point. I don't think it matters how she behaves now, what matters is the overall message that her actions send out to you. People who are in love do not cheat. It does not mean they do not have problems, they just simply don't cheat.

 

You seem to be focusing on the fact that this happened in the past, but that doesn't matter. We aren't talking about things that happened before you even met her, we are talking about things she did while with you. I think that changes things.

 

You say she isn't that person now, my response is so what? Why spend your life with someone who could ever be that type of person? Plus you have no guarantee that this won't happen again. The problem I see here is it seems like you are making excuses for this woman. That is how it comes off, with all the "it was in the past" and stuff. That's not good, and it is especially not good to get back into a relationship with that type of person. Your focus seems to be that she won't act this way anymore, instead of realizing that she should of never acted this way in the first place. She basically tainted the entire relationship with her actions. If she truly had any significant amount of love or respect for you..she would of not ever even considered getting with another man, but she did..and that is all there is to it.

The "now" part represents 5 years of span of re-commitment to OP. This is BIG.

 

OP's EX ended the affair by her own choice when she had to choose between the two men, realized that she cannot blame anybody else but herself for her cheating ways, have been to IC, have been remorseful; honest; and cooperative, and is not giving up on OP. These are sufficient signs that the EX have grown up and is reconciliation-worthy.

 

The issue here is that OP haven't grown out of his selfish ways yet (he is still using his EX to his advantage). Maybe he needs IC too and decide whether he wants to give reconciliation a chance or let his EX go and have a life.

[Spectre]

The "now" part represents 5 years of span of re-commitment to OP. This is BIG.

 

OP's EX ended the affair by her own choice when she had to choose between the two men, realized that she cannot blame anybody else but herself for her cheating ways, have been to IC, have been remorseful; honest; and cooperative, and is not giving up on OP. These are sufficient signs that the EX have grown up and is reconciliation-worthy.

 

The issue here is that OP haven't grown out of his selfish ways yet (he is still using his EX to his advantage). Maybe he needs IC too and decide whether he wants to give reconciliation a chance or let his EX go and have a life.

 

I disagree, not only did she cheat, lie about how long she cheated, but then also blamed the guy for her behavior. It is certainly nice that later on the realized he was not to blame, but that doesn't get rid of the core issue and the damage has been done. We still have lies in the here and now, up until a few days ago this man thought it had only gone on for 9 months. Now it is said to of gone on for 2 years. You keep talking about how this woman is worthy of forgiveness, but why is someone who still lies..worthy of that? I don't get it.

 

If she had truly changed then he would not still be discovering more lies and more details to her story. It is crazy to me how anyone could feel otherwise given this huge red flag. The past is not in the past: this man just found out recently about another lie. There have still been lies in this relationship, and this woman claims to of "changed".

Edited April 7, 2014 by Spectre

[Spark1111]

I disagree, not only did she cheat, lie about how long she cheated, but then also blamed the guy for her behavior. It is certainly nice that later on the realized he was not to blame, but that doesn't get rid of the core issue and the damage has been done. We still have lies in the here and now, up until a few days ago this man thought it had only gone on for 9 months. Now it is said to of gone on for 2 years. You keep talking about how this woman is worthy of forgiveness, but why is someone who still lies..worthy of that? I don't get it.

 

If she had truly changed then he would not still be discovering more lies and more details to her story. It is crazy to me how anyone could feel otherwise given this huge red flag. The past is not in the past: this man just found out recently about another lie. There have still been lies in this relationship, and this woman claims to of "changed".

 

Read the thread. She tried to tell him all way back when.

 

he did not want to hear it. Since he had decided to divorce her, he thought it would not make a difference anyhow.

 

And I disagree. Some people who are in love MAY still cheat; out of boredom, loneliness, selfishness, brokenness.

 

They just never thought they'd get caught.

[sidney2718]

I have to say you seem to really be trying to make excuses for this woman. Like you just said, the 2 year lie speaks volumes and you for some reason still want this woman in your life. You say she makes your life better? That makes me sad, because it makes me wonder how good your life could be if a person such as this actually enriches it.

 

I think you need to walk away. You will always have these nagging issues in the back of your mind about this, about her, about her honesty. I say again, she told you this only happened over 9 months and then suddenly it jumped from that..to two years? Sorry, that right there tells you everything you need to know. She will lie to you and manipulate the facts in order to get what she wants. If you are a glutton for punishment, stay with her. If not? I urge you to stay the course you originally laid out and just keep her as nothing more then an ex.

 

The way she reacted to the affair, etc. tells me it is likely to happen again in one way or another. Maybe it will just be another emotional affair, maybe not, but for me this is like if you got sent back in time and were given tickets to board the Titanic and for some reason you said "to heck with history" and decided to gamble anyways and board that doomed ship even though you were 100% sure that sooner or later it would hit an iceberg and sink.

 

I really do get how hard it can be to let go of someone who meant so much to you, but just think that..if you meant as much to them as they do to you that you would not be on an internet forum posting about how your wife cheated on you, blamed you for it, etc.

 

I don't think you are wrong, but I don't think you are right either. How can that be?

 

We encourage WS to come clean. Often they do not come clean at first. Once they understand that reconciliation depends on coming clean, many do decide to go all the way and tell the truth.

 

And then we want to toss them aside for what they did. Does that make any sense?

 

I prefer to think that she has done the right thing in letting it all out and does not need any additional punishment for that. Just sayin...

Edited April 7, 2014 by sidney2718

[janedoe67]

I don't think you are wrong, but I don't think you are right either. How can that be?

 

We encourage WS to come clean. Often they do not come clean at first. Once they understand that reconciliation depends on coming clean, many do decide to go all the way and tell the truth.

 

And then we want to toss them aside for what they did. Does that make any sense?

 

I prefer to think that she has done the right thing in letting it all out and does not need any additional punishment for that. Just sayin...

 

You understand this because you believe in redemption. People who neither believe in it nor think they will ever/have ever needed it cannot understand.

[DKT3]

For me though I think you are missing the point. I don't think it matters how she behaves now, what matters is the overall message that her actions send out to you. People who are in love do not cheat. It does not mean they do not have problems, they just simply don't cheat.

 

You seem to be focusing on the fact that this happened in the past, but that doesn't matter. We aren't talking about things that happened before you even met her, we are talking about things she did while with you. I think that changes things.

 

You say she isn't that person now, my response is so what? Why spend your life with someone who could ever be that type of person? Plus you have no guarantee that this won't happen again. The problem I see here is it seems like you are making excuses for this woman. That is how it comes off, with all the "it was in the past" and stuff. That's not good, and it is especially not good to get back into a relationship with that type of person. Your focus seems to be that she won't act this way anymore, instead of realizing that she should of never acted this way in the first place. She basically tainted the entire relationship with her actions. If she truly had any significant amount of love or respect for you..she would of not ever even considered getting with another man, but she did..and that is all there is to it.

If our marriage was a football game, in which bad sh*t we did to one another were points, I would have 5 field goals to her touchdown and field goal. For those not aware of scoring that means I'm ahead 15-10. Sure her sh*t was by itself worse then anything I've ever done to her. The scales are still not balanced. Those who have followed this has seen me write sereval times I don't know what it is that keeps her hanging on and waiting for me.

 

You confuse me understanding how my ACTIONS made cheating an option for her, as me making excuses. I get NOW how the things I did made her feel. Alone, unloved, resentful and angry. I did HEAR her cries for me to be there, be a better husband a better father, yet I did nothing to fix it. Sure the way she responded was sh*tty, and I accept no blame in that.

 

Even with her affair, I could look back with far more great memories of her and our marriage.

 

A new relationship could never be as innocent on my part. I see her differently then I did. I saw her as "perfect" someone who would always do right by me even if it was all wrong for her. Unfair? Of course. But I'm being honest. I simply no longer see her as better then me.

Edited April 8, 2014 by DKT3

[DKT3]

We have decided to give it a run. For the next six months or so we will date and keep it away from the kids. I had a list of things I expected (normal BS stuff). She asked only two things 1) we not be sexual for some time she feels its a major reason that I stayed close. Its not true, but I allowed her to run with that idea for some time. 2) I not to date, text other women. She really believes I've had a ton of women.

 

We will attend at least 12 dates with MC in that time. She questioned my commitment if I'm not all in we shouldn't even start. She said DD asked her if I was moving back in and for the first time she didn't know how to answer her.

 

I feel good about my decision. I've spent the last few days reading a lot of the other women section. I connected my ex to a lot of those women in the sense that she was painfully waiting for me to pick her. I would read those stories and think "your such an ass, you've punished her enough" I even committed that if one of the ladies MM cared about her he would let her go. Here I was keeping her on the hook.

[AlwaysGrowing]

DK, your wife has a wise IC. The IC challenged your wife to move out of her comfort zone and be honest regardless of the outcome. It was not something that you required of your wife....it was more than that....your wife required it of herself and held herself accountable to follow through....tears and all. She did. It is exactly things like that....that show if one is growing/changing or not.

 

You and your wife seem to have learned lots about each other and more importantly, about yourselves.

 

With that knowledge, regardless of the outcome of your new relationship....you will be okay.

[Hope Shimmers]

I even committed that if one of the ladies MM cared about her he would let her go. Here I was keeping her on the hook.

 

This is what you said in my post, DKT3.

 

Your situation is totally different than mine. Both sides are almost impossible to understand without having lived it.

 

I know your story now and truly hope that you and she will be able to get back what you had. It seems very possible from all you have said. Sorry for all you have gone through

[road]

We have decided to give it a run. For the next six months or so we will date and keep it away from the kids. I had a list of things I expected (normal BS stuff). She asked only two things 1) we not be sexual for some time she feels its a major reason that I stayed close. Its not true, but I allowed her to run with that idea for some time. 2) I not to date, text other women. She really believes I've had a ton of women.

 

We will attend at least 12 dates with MC in that time. She questioned my commitment if I'm not all in we shouldn't even start. She said DD asked her if I was moving back in and for the first time she didn't know how to answer her.

 

I feel good about my decision. I've spent the last few days reading a lot of the other women section. I connected my ex to a lot of those women in the sense that she was painfully waiting for me to pick her. I would read those stories and think "your such an ass, you've punished her enough" I even committed that if one of the ladies MM cared about her he would let her go. Here I was keeping her on the hook.

 

 

 

Good for you and your WW.

[DKT3]

DK, your wife has a wise IC. The IC challenged your wife to move out of her comfort zone and be honest regardless of the outcome. It was not something that you required of your wife....it was more than that....your wife required it of herself and held herself accountable to follow through....tears and all. She did. It is exactly things like that....that show if one is growing/changing or not.

 

You and your wife seem to have learned lots about each other and more importantly, about yourselves.

 

With that knowledge, regardless of the outcome of your new relationship....you will be okay.

IC didn't have to push hard she has wanted to tell me for some time. I can't say how much she would have told.