crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[DKT3]

Have you stopped traveling three weeks out of each month? I think if you are considering R and still traveling - it's not the time to R.

 

She would still be basically living alone. And since she's on her own now - it's easier to accept being on her own than being WITH a partner but being left without her partner for 3/4 of each month.

 

It's a mental thing - when you KNOW you're not with a partner - it's easier to not resent them for not participating.

 

She may have cheated because she was mad at you for being gone a lot. She may not have told you she felt lonely. It doesn't make the cheating ok.

 

But if R is considered and she's still going to feel lonely while she's married to you - then don't reconcile.

 

While I never really accepted the issues she had with me as valid reasons "WHY" the affair happened, I did see them as true flaws. No woman wants the man they love to send 75% of his time away from her and the family. I took the job for selfish reasons. I no longer travel.

 

She has explained to me her thinking leading to and during her affair. She was lonely and felt I didn't care about her because I choose a job over her. This wasn't true but it was true to her. It was something she nagged me about before her affair. She said the affair wasn't to hurt me or revenge but really an exit affair. When the OM started to come on to her (she a beautiful woman so it was nothing new) she was open to it because in her mind we were over. For seven months she couldn't get to a place of being physical but really felt a connection with him. After seven months the pressure she felt to give in to his sexual advances became to strong to resist. I would never allow her to give me details, but she said after the first time she knew she wasn't over me, she said it felt so wrong. She continued because she felt she needed the emotional outlet. Again she wanted to tell me details about when, where, what they did and how many times. I never wanted or needed that information. The fact that she wanted to tell me makes me feel its not as bad as I allow my mind to see it. I comfortable with that.

 

Biggest issue was her telling me "its not that I didn't think about you, or how it would hurt you. At the time I didn't respect you enough for it to stop me" those words have stuck with me. I can mentally grasp the feeling, after all I was a selfish d*ck, but it hurt, even to this day.

[DKT3]

Well done DKT3! And definitely stop seeing other women (goes without saying). You do not need to remarry, but I would strongly suggest making some appropriate vows to each other again.

 

Let there be love...

 

In her mind, I was running around with tons of women. In the time after we split I allowed her to believe this. But it wasn't true. I moaned the lose of my marriage and the woman I loved. I did have a couple quick ONS in the following months. I have only dated 6 women over the 5 years the longest was about three months. I'm not what you would call a ladies man. I've always been more of a relationship guy, I'm not really comfortable in the dating world. I would actually look for reasons not to be attracted to women I was attracted to.

 

Not dating would honestly be a relief.

[underpants]

Yes, crazy.

 

Don't do it, man. Back away and give yourself time and distance to see clearly.

 

By keeping each other on a string you have never fully severed, and fully sever you must to be whole individuals willing to even footed try again.

 

Nobody wants to do this however. I've yet to see it. It is a scary choice. Alone seems scary for some reason to some. Keeping multiple irons in the fire seems glass half full/empty to me, but thats my perspective. Go all in on yourself.

 

No contact 6 months (no sex, no feelys, nada...cold) then see where you both stand.

 

Otherwise you are holding on to a raveled thread of the past, and as pretty as parts of it are, it is broken. With the other hand you are playing with other peoples hearts and that is not cool either.

 

Figure yourself out. All you need to do that is you.

[DKT3]

Yes, crazy.

 

Don't do it, man. Back away and give yourself time and distance to see clearly.

 

By keeping each other on a string you have never fully severed, and fully sever you must to be whole individuals willing to even footed try again.

 

Nobody wants to do this however. I've yet to see it. It is a scary choice. Alone seems scary for some reason to some. Keeping multiple irons in the fire seems glass half full/empty to me, but thats my perspective. Go all in on yourself.

 

No contact 6 months (no sex, no feelys, nada...cold) then see where you both stand.

 

Otherwise you are holding on to a raveled thread of the past, and as pretty as parts of it are, it is broken. With the other hand you are playing with other peoples hearts and that is not cool either.

 

Figure yourself out. All you need to do that is you.

That was never an option. We had a 7 and 3 year old when we split. Believe it or not we got along pretty well throughout the process.

 

Honestly, this is the woman I have always loves. Sounds corny but I would rather fight with her then make love to another woman. Just don't know if I can have that blind trust. That's important. Over the past few weeks I've slowly come to the point where I have to try or regret it forever.

[Lokahi117]

wow......man......you and I have very very similar deals. I'm right now where you were before you decided to try again. But I work out of state, so I only see my ex every couple of months. it's really odd how similar it situations are. I kept thinking I wrote this.

[road]

That was never an option. We had a 7 and 3 year old when we split. Believe it or not we got along pretty well throughout the process.

 

Honestly, this is the woman I have always loves. Sounds corny but I would rather fight with her then make love to another woman. Just don't know if I can have that blind trust. That's important. Over the past few weeks I've slowly come to the point where I have to try or regret it forever.

 

 

 

No marriage that is recovered has blind trust again and that us ok.

[Fluttershy]

No marriage that is recovered has blind trust again and that us ok.

 

I'll go a step further and say "no marriage should have blind trust" and we as BS learn that the hard way. I had blind trust that my husband having so much contact with xMW was okay and showed i trusted hik even though deep down it made me uncomfortable specially in the beginning. Blind trust means your eyes are closed against warning signs and other problems that of you open your eyes you can see. Things many a BS have found and excuse for or just ignored. I wish all couples read not just friends and gave up their blind trust. I'm not talking about checking emails, phones, panicking when they are out. Those things are okay if you have a gut feeling and you walk away from it when you don't find anything or to regain trust.

 

Trust should be there because it is earned daily by both people with their openess, attitude, communication and willingness to share.

[JourneyLady]

It's a mental thing - when you KNOW you're not with a partner - it's easier to not resent them for not participating.

 

Good you mentioned that. Living by myself now, I can validate that point of view. I pretty much do what I want, except for the things everyone has to do. Since there's no one but me at present to make a mess, I don't feel badly about not having anyone to help me clean up. I don't need the help, since I'm pretty neat anyway.

[Speakingofwhich]

Imho you need to stop seeing other women and let her know you're doing that. Unless, of course, you want to have an open relationship where both of you date others. In which case I believe you'll limit your opportunity for success in your r with your exwife.

[DKT3]

I'll go a step further and say "no marriage should have blind trust" and we as BS learn that the hard way. I had blind trust that my husband having so much contact with xMW was okay and showed i trusted hik even though deep down it made me uncomfortable specially in the beginning. Blind trust means your eyes are closed against warning signs and other problems that of you open your eyes you can see. Things many a BS have found and excuse for or just ignored. I wish all couples read not just friends and gave up their blind trust. I'm not talking about checking emails, phones, panicking when they are out. Those things are okay if you have a gut feeling and you walk away from it when you don't find anything or to regain trust.

 

Trust should be there because it is earned daily by both people with their openess, attitude, communication and willingness to share.

Cheating was something I never thought about. I enjoyed being in that place. Now it takes up so much time and energy. Even after so many years.

 

Biggest fear is how would it change who I am to try and work it out. Will I become that guy? Jealous? Controlling? Bitter? I don't want to be him, its not who I am. Yet the pull to her and the connection is undeniable.

[beach]

Cheating was something I never thought about. I enjoyed being in that place. Now it takes up so much time and energy. Even after so many years.

 

Biggest fear is how would it change who I am to try and work it out. Will I become that guy? Jealous? Controlling? Bitter? I don't want to be him, its not who I am. Yet the pull to her and the connection is undeniable.

 

You never know unless you give it a go.

 

But I can't see any reason to remarry.

 

Work through your fears and anger to the other side of it. It is freedom.

 

She may be a better woman to you while not married - some women are like that.

 

But if she goes back to her old ways - it's easier to shut it down.

[Fluttershy]

You never know unless you give it a go.

 

But I can't see any reason to remarry.

 

Work through your fears and anger to the other side of it. It is freedom.

 

She may be a better woman to you while not married - some women are like that.

 

But if she goes back to her old ways - it's easier to shut it down.

 

I see people say that a lot? I'm canadian and marriage doesn't make a lick of difference in the end. Had a friend who had to sell family farm to pay him out after five years of shacking up. Is there no common law marriages down there?

 

OP, blind trust isn't good for anybody. But the anxious mistrust can go away. What helped me was as much as it would hurt if my husband cheated again I know I would be more than okay to kick him to the curb and build a new life without him in it.

[fellini]

Biggest issue was her telling me "its not that I didn't think about you, or how it would hurt you. At the time I didn't respect you enough for it to stop me" those words have stuck with me.

 

Im only just coming up to one year since D-Day. But this resonates bigtime. April 28 is Dday but this is my month where I find myself reflecting that every day as of tomorrow until that day she was sneaking around shifting a year long EA into a PA every chance she got. And each day I wake up, I say to myself. A year ago she woke up, looked at me, and decided to dress and prepare for him yet again. Knowing how I felt about her, knowing how she felt about me, and not respecting me, or US enough to stop, to try to end it. In our case she had no serious complaints about me. Things were pretty damned good then.

[Spectre]

Having just read the entire thread, I hope you made the right call walking back into the lion's den. For some reason a big part of me feels this will end badly, but then you certainly know the situation better then I.

[DKT3]

Im only just coming up to one year since D-Day. But this resonates bigtime. April 28 is Dday but this is my month where I find myself reflecting that every day as of tomorrow until that day she was sneaking around shifting a year long EA into a PA every chance she got. And each day I wake up, I say to myself. A year ago she woke up, looked at me, and decided to dress and prepare for him yet again. Knowing how I felt about her, knowing how she felt about me, and not respecting me, or US enough to stop, to try to end it. In our case she had no serious complaints about me. Things were pretty damned good then.

 

Where are you with your marriage?

 

I had thoughts about following him sexually with her. She swore that he was a sub and not a replacement. When I was in town she never communicated or saw him.

[DKT3]

Im only just coming up to one year since D-Day. But this resonates bigtime. April 28 is Dday but this is my month where I find myself reflecting that every day as of tomorrow until that day she was sneaking around shifting a year long EA into a PA every chance she got. And each day I wake up, I say to myself. A year ago she woke up, looked at me, and decided to dress and prepare for him yet again. Knowing how I felt about her, knowing how she felt about me, and not respecting me, or US enough to stop, to try to end it. In our case she had no serious complaints about me. Things were pretty damned good then.

 

Having just read the entire thread, I hope you made the right call walking back into the lion's den. For some reason a big part of me feels this will end badly, but then you certainly know the situation better then I.

Not to make it sound like a business transaction, but we have to come to terms before the decision is made. We're getting together tomorrow for that talk. She called me and said there was things she had to tell me about the affair. Things that she has tried to tell me in the past but I wouldn't allow. The reason is her therapist said if there is even a slight chance I could get the info from someone else its best I know now, other wise it could be like another Dday down the road.

 

Oh boy, what now?

[beach]

I think it's important to hear what she says - without responding in THAT moment - then take some alone time to process what she's told you - maybe write out how you feel about the info she delivers - to be sure you can mentally get through what she says.

 

You can either handle it - or you may find it completely unacceptable as far as accepting her past behavior.

[Matilda75]

You are very brave to let yourself be vulnerable again. Not an easy thing to do, but it could be well worth it in the long run.

 

Good luck with the new affair details; hopefully they don't derail your progress.

[janedoe67]

Biggest fear is how would it change who I am to try and work it out. Will I become that guy? Jealous? Controlling? Bitter? I don't want to be him, its not who I am. Yet the pull to her and the connection is undeniable.

 

The only way you will become that man is if you choose to; if you don't want to, you won't. The people who become "that man" and stay that way are doing so because they WON'T do the work to move on. And that is not their FWS's fault; it't their own.

[Spectre]

Oh boy, what now?

 

If this was directed at me I guess I was just saying I think you are making a very big mistake. Hopefully I am wrong.

[DKT3]

Ok, so ex and I had the meeting last night. Right away I knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say. She looked so scared, and I could tell she had cried a lot before hand.

 

She says, no need in putting it off. She goes on to tell me the affair actaully lasted two years She said she didn't love him but she did care about him. She said she thought I knew so they got super careful, no calls, texts or emails. The reason she thought I knew was one of my really good friends caught her (kissing and hugging) with this guy and she was sure he would tell. Well he didn't, what a friend.

 

Once I found out, she said the affair continued for about 10 months (during the 14 months of hell) when the OM forced her hand "me or him" she stayed with me. Told me the affair was a ONS that turned EA then full on EA/PA. After the ONS it was 7 months before they had sex again then maybe once every month or so. She claims they had sex 8 times in two years. I'm alittle iffy on that one.

 

After she ended it he started ramping up the attempts to communicate with her. Which makes sense it was during the fights about me checking her phone which lead to me filing. She saved the emails because she said she actaully feared this guy after she broke it off. She showed them to me in them he was saying he would tell me, he was going to contact me and everyone she knows. Pathetic dude. He was either crazy or he really fell for her.

 

I told her where my mind went in those days this stuff is pretty mild. I felt she was still involved during the hell months but I couldn't find anything.

 

She said she always thought she could fix it with me, her plan was to stall me out, and slowly rebuild the marriage. When she got the papers she said she threw up at her desk. She said she truely never thought I would leave her no matter what she did she thought she could fix it. When my atty office called and told me she got them something told me I had to leave the home today to really drive the message home.

 

The meeting lasted until this morning then she stayed over. Down stairs like always when she stays over. We never allow the kids to see us together in that way.

 

I'm not sure it cleared anything up. We lost direction and went all over the place. Maybe it would be best handled in a MC setting with someone to keep us on course. Well we're off as a family, son has a baseball tourny. Yeah not looking forward to this. No sleep and now watching baseball all day.

 

Hopefully this isn't too bad, typed out on the droid in a hurry. Ill fix it later(sounds like my ex)

[atreides]

You are 100% correct. This has been a large part of the resentment that she had carried for years. Starting with me breaking a promise to attend the same college. I switched at the last moment and went out of state. A year later she followed. She wanted to move home after we graduated yet I took a job in Atlanta, again she followed. She started her career and I convinced her we should start a family. I then took a job with the travel and left her alone in a place she never wanted to be with a baby she wasn't ready for. The job was suppose to be 5 years max, six years and another baby I was still there. It was at that point the affair started. At the time I didn't see anything wrong with the things I had done. I have since come to understand what an amazing woman she was to deal with what she did for as long as she did. Her life was what I wanted.

 

I have not read this tread to the end but had to stop at the above quote.

 

hmm, the same mental trap most BS fall into... infidelity squarely lies with the WS...

 

but hey, I would believe that last line if it weren't for her own choices to stay with you, move after move.... who cannot let go of who? It was just as much a choice for her to have an A or was that "her life" you wanted to?

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. It is good that you got the details. The fact that she carried on this sexual affair 10 months after you found out says it all. The fact that she said that she thought she could anything and you would never leave her says a great deal. The fact that this sexual affair went on for years means that there had to be numerous times you were intimate with her right after she had been with her lover.

 

Bottom line: You would seriously have to be out of your mind to try to recover with her.

[DKT3]

I have not read this tread to the end but had to stop at the above quote.

 

hmm, the same mental trap most BS fall into... infidelity squarely lies with the WS...

 

but hey, I would believe that last line if it weren't for her own choices to stay with you, move after move.... who cannot let go of who? It was just as much a choice for her to have an A or was that "her life" you wanted to?

 

My intent wasn't clear with that sentance. Should have read "her life was doing what I wanted"

 

Make no mistake, I don't blame myself. However I know I was a sh*tty husband and that counts for something.

[atreides]

My intent wasn't clear with that sentance. Should have read "her life was doing what I wanted"

 

Make no mistake, I don't blame myself. However I know I was a sh*tty husband and that counts for something.

 

I understood what you meant, she still made her choices to follow you... none of us are perfect, none of us... if we are to reflect back and say "gosh i was a bad husband or wife" infidelity would be moot as in "counts for something." So no it does not count for something other than you want to be a better you, that is a great aspect... but at the same time on a separate island, one far from the island of infidelity.

 

My point is, that you need to separate what is done in marriage vs infidelity. I still have not read the whole of the thread but where i left off, you still loved her. Such a difficult place to be and endure.