On the ledge in my A and ?

[loveandsorrow]

OP - you are dangerous. You have now officially and directly hit on two posters in your thread - people who posted only to try to help you. You are your own problem, nothing else.

 

Get help. You need it.

 

Hi Hope

 

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't read mustendtgecyle's post. She was very kind in offering consolation and so I accepted it.

 

I know your caught in an A crossfire yourself as well so I understand. We all need help that's why we are here

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Hope

 

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't read mustendtgecyle's post. She was very kind in offering consolation and so I accepted it.

 

I read her post. And yours.

[imperfectangel]

I "got" this the minute I read it and couldn't believe my eyes. Never saw anything like this on LS before so it caught me off guard. It also immediately exposed this guy in a really creepy way.

 

 

It's very uncommon, but every once in a while (just as I'm feeling empathy for a new poster), they suddenly say something a few posts into the thread (that's impossible to ignore or rationalize) and it hits you right between the eyes. This one, though, really takes the cake! Wow... just WOW... I feel like I need a shower.

 

I'm about to go wash with bleach lol

[BrokenPrincess]

Hahaha gotta give OP credit for keeping the thread interesting!

 

So did you finally get the guys to tell MOW that you want to cool things down?

[loveandsorrow]

Time for a confession of joy and grief.

 

I spoke with mow when she returned from her vacation. we spent a few hours together alone. i felt so much energy built up from not seeing her in a week that we arranged to be alone and yes, i did have sx with mow. We left in some what a painful state knowing we would not see each other for a few days since i have vacation coming up. it was hard saying goodbye even for a few days. yes we will text and yes maybe even talk for a few mins but its not the same when we are together. my grief, stress and anxiety isn't there when i'm with mow and that bothers me!

 

i went home that night and after midnight, i had sx with my w. so i admit, i had sx with both mow and my w, not in the same night (mow was before 12am and my w was after 12am) but it was def before the sun came up. I felt like i had a lot of energy with my w and needed to do this so i wasn't losing my ernest desire to have sx with her (my w).

 

next day i felt like a punching bag. both physically (for obvious reasons) and mentally (torn over mow and this whole thing).

 

I spent the last 2 days with my w and kids. there are just things about my w that i don't get and i can see we are 2 different people. yes i care about her and she is the mother of my kids. i wouldn't want to send her off on a heartbreak ship at my expense, nor would i want her to find someone else yet.

 

See, my w is but a few years younger than i. mow is 16+. it just feels like many who fall into an A, we get caught up in the euphoria of the A high and falsely assume its for the long haul. it can be like a mirage. not real, just be real enough at the moment but get laughed at when you discover its not even a real LTR.

 

Ill be spending the next couple of days away on vacation and will be texting mow. i will try to minimize it and i know it will be hard but i need to see if i can break away from this mutual addiction. it feels like i need it bad as my mow needs it.

 

i feel so heart trodden. partly because i can't be two places at the same time.

[Kiwi princess]

Time for a confession of joy and grief.

 

I spoke with mow when she returned from her vacation. we spent a few hours together alone. i felt so much energy built up from not seeing her in a week that we arranged to be alone and yes, i did have sx with mow. We left in some what a painful state knowing we would not see each other for a few days since i have vacation coming up. it was hard saying goodbye even for a few days. yes we will text and yes maybe even talk for a few mins but its not the same when we are together. my grief, stress and anxiety isn't there when i'm with mow and that bothers me!

 

i went home that night and after midnight, i had sx with my w. so i admit, i had sx with both mow and my w, not in the same night (mow was before 12am and my w was after 12am) but it was def before the sun came up. H I felt like i had a lot of energy with my w and needed to do this so i wasn't losing my ernest desire to have sx with her (my w).

 

next day i felt like a punching bag. both physically (for obvious reasons) and mentally (torn over mow and this whole thing).

 

I spent the last 2 days with my w and kids. there are just things about my w that i don't get and i can see we are 2 different people. yes i care about her and she is the mother of my kids. i wouldn't want to send her off on a heartbreak ship at my expense, nor would i want her to find someone else yet.

 

See, my w is but a few years younger than i. mow is 16+. it just feels like many who fall into an A, we get caught up in the euphoria of the A high and falsely assume its for the long haul. it can be like a mirage. not real, just be real enough at the moment but get laughed at when you discover its not even a real LTR.

 

Ill be spending the next couple of days away on vacation and will be texting mow. i will try to minimize it and i know it will be hard but i need to see if i can break away from this mutual addiction. it feels like i need it bad as my mow needs it.

 

i feel so heart trodden. partly because i can't be two places at the same time.

 

When I read your post I actually threw up in my mouth a little. Wow...just wow.

I have no words....

[JamesM]

i feel so heart trodden. partly because i can't be two places at the same time.

 

Weird, but I feel sadness for both women.

 

The OW because she can't have you, and your wife because she has no clue that she is losing you.

 

You...not alot of sympathy. Any guy who can have sex with one woman and still go home to his wife and have more sex without blinking an eye....nothing but irritation.

 

For us guys who stick with our wives even when for whatever reason, they don't want sex....it is quite hard to watch a guy bounce from one bed to another and feel "so heart trodden" without any concern of commitment to either.

 

Let one of them go, and then leave the other.

[tornado]

Why did you start an affair? Stop playing with a woman's heart.

[loveandsorrow]

Weird, but I feel sadness for both women.

 

The OW because she can't have you, and your wife because she has no clue that she is losing you.

 

You...not alot of sympathy. Any guy who can have sex with one woman and still go home to his wife and have more sex without blinking an eye....nothing but irritation.

 

For us guys who stick with our wives even when for whatever reason, they don't want sex....it is quite hard to watch a guy bounce from one bed to another and feel "so heart trodden" without any concern of commitment to either.

 

Let one of them go, and then leave the other.

 

James,

 

I understand and to some degree, when I looked outside of this A I would not feel any compassion either.

 

Once that I got caught up in the web, having sx with both my w and mow just seemed like a fantasy and to be honest, it was great! my w benefited the most without a doubt.

 

I do agree with you, at the end of the day, either the A will force a decision on me or I will have to make one beforehand. Once I had another mow offer to start an A, that would make it 2 A's active and being married, it would be to some degree a wild fantasy. What guy would not want to be part of that? Well, i can tell you as I turned down the offer for the 2nd A, I knew I would be in over my head thanks to this thread. It was hard to turn the 2nd A away but I couldn't do it. It would be too much knowing my 1st active A mow is truly committed to me and i wanted to be respectful and committed to her. To throw a 2nd Active A and get caught is just too much. I can barely handle it now.

 

The rollercoaster emotions, guilt, joys that all come from being an a relationship A is quite wearing. I assume you have been in one or at least walked in the shoes of someone who had one? I keep thinking back on how this A when from a casual A to now a relationship that is demanding, at some point, to give 100% of myself or walk away.

[loveandsorrow]

Why did you start an affair? Stop playing with a woman's heart.

 

Torendo,

 

Why did I start an affair? well, that's not so easy to answer. It kind of brewed and happened. Like many here, they probably didn't plan on getting into an A but once they got involved, it was too late. It's not about playing with mow's heart. Everyone here seems to get caught up in an A and they believe they are truly in love. No one that i've read here gets in the A to play a game.

 

i can say honestly that being with my w and kids on the weekends, there is a level of guilt that weighs on me. i feel like i could never abandoned them. they need me and its apparent. i need them too! When i think about mow and our A, i need that too but i know deep down if i have to choose, i think of my kids first and how i fear they would be devastated if i left my w for mow. i fear they would never forgive me. i fear the fruits of my departure would come back years from now and it would be a nightmare.

 

Then again, many here seem to be able to leave their spouses and be happy. Even having a good relationship with their x H or W after they have left for their mow or mom. It's just amazing. I know people can be cordial, professional and mature. I just don't think my w and mow could handle that. it would be anger and resentment for years to come.

 

i can say that when this A started 1.5 years ago, it was manageable because it was not a relationship. When the A crossed over to a relationship, that's when the i found myself being pulled in by the quicksand of time, not being able to be at two places at once. Both mow and w demanding more of my time and i can't give either one what they want so they get what i can give.

[Betterthanthis13]

James,

 

I understand and to some degree, when I looked outside of this A I would not feel any compassion either.

 

Once that I got caught up in the web, having sx with both my w and mow just seemed like a fantasy and to be honest, it was great! my w benefited the most without a doubt.

 

I do agree with you, at the end of the day, either the A will force a decision on me or I will have to make one beforehand. Once I had another mow offer to start an A, that would make it 2 A's active and being married, it would be to some degree a wild fantasy. What guy would not want to be part of that? Well, i can tell you as I turned down the offer for the 2nd A, I knew I would be in over my head thanks to this thread. It was hard to turn the 2nd A away but I couldn't do it. It would be too much knowing my 1st active A mow is truly committed to me and i wanted to be respectful and committed to her. To throw a 2nd Active A and get caught is just too much. I can barely handle it now.

 

The rollercoaster emotions, guilt, joys that all come from being an a relationship A is quite wearing. I assume you have been in one or at least walked in the shoes of someone who had one? I keep thinking back on how this A when from a casual A to now a relationship that is demanding, at some point, to give 100% of myself or walk away.

 

What guy would not want to be a part of that?

 

A guy with integrity

A guy who likes to be able to look in the mirror without feeling shame, disgust and guilt

A guy with a conscience

A guy with a moral compass

A guy who is mentally and emotionally healthy

A guy who values honesty

A guy who thinks with his brain and doesn't rely on his penis to make life decisions for him

A guy who is accountable for his choices and decisions in life

A guy with empathy

 

Etc etc....

 

There are tons of guys on planet earth who would want no part in any of the awful situations you put yourself and the people who love you in

[loveandsorrow]

hi btt

 

for Someone who posts on other threads "good people have affairs" I'm confused on what you just said?<

 

are "good people" referring to yourself and others who may have had an affair while with you?

 

I'm caught up in the A web just as those you have known or may come to know. I didn't heed the words of warning and now I'm so entrenched im like a ship lost at sea.

 

while having the plesures of two women may seem trivial to some, it comes with a dear price. I thought I could be like others here who were or are in successful As and doing quite well. I chased the dream others are living and now I find its a massive web.

Edited April 15, 2014 by loveandsorrow
quotes misplaced

[loveandsorrow]

I still can't figure out how so many people here on LS are able to sustain their A's and keep their relationships at bay? And do it successfully without any waves? What's the magic formula? potion? elixir?

 

Yes, there are some here who are sour, broken, lonely as they have fallen into an A and are on the short end of the stick. To those, my heart goes out to you. I, for one, would not and can't do that to my mow. I'd much rather have it be mutual and end cordially if possible than to break someone's heart after learning what happens here on LS about those who are left behind.

 

I've been thinking about talking to mow and letting her know my fears about the A, my fears in life and perhaps those might just scare here away, or at least have her feel some true sense of reservations.

 

My mow has discovered some painful truths about my past and still accepts me. I did openly ask her about her wanting me for me or just to want someone to pacify her H and his lack of attention for her. Yes she claims its me, but is it really? I can't help but wonder if there are actual AP's who have left their spouses for their AP's and have been successful in both their A relationship and cordial with their ex spouses and kids. It just feels like a disaster but perhaps i'm wrong? Perhaps there's hope and i'm fighting a tide that can actually be an abyss of well being.

[Realist3]

hi btt

 

for Someone who posts on other threads "good people have affairs" I'm confused on what you just said?<

 

are "good people" referring to yourself and others who may have had an affair while with you?

 

I'm caught up in the A web just as those you have known or may come to know. I didn't heed the words of warning and now I'm so entrenched im like a ship lost at sea.

 

while having the plesures of two women may seem trivial to some, it comes with a dear price. I thought I could be like others here who were or are in successful As and doing quite well. I chased the dream others are living and now I find its a massive web.

 

Welcome back. No, you did not heed the words of warning. You have been asking for advice here about your A since it began over a year ago. You never follow any of the advice.

 

If it is causing you so much continual strife just end it.

 

*still can't write out the word SEX I see.

[gettingstronger]

Chasing the dream? I think thats your problem right there-you have unrealistic expectations of any relationship-you expect clear sailing and for it to be just as you want it- relationships take two-you appear to be quite selfish- maybe get some IC so that you can work on you and if you are a better partner you may find a more satisfying relationship-until then- drop the A and come clean to your wife- in short, man up- you expect so much from the women in your life but almost nothing from yourself- thats a little upside down-

[Realist3]

He's not new. He's posted before under a few different names. It always end in flowery phrases about runaway trains & shipwrecks & strange talk about not being able to clmx & it's always all about him & his need for validation. See. It before. I just don't understand why he keeps changing his name & coming back only to be told the same thing.

 

 

Sorry I didn't see this post. But yes, you nailed it.

[whichwayisup]

i wouldn't want to send her off on a heartbreak ship at my expense, nor would i want her to find someone else yet.

 

What? You kind of want to move on (well since you're having an A) you don't love your wife, you want a life with the OW yet you won't let go of your wife because you don't want to hurt her or let her heal and move on without you, and be with someone else?

 

This is such selfish and self serving thinking. If you truly care about your wife, you'd divorce her and allow her to begin her grieving process now so she can find and fall in love with a decent and loving man who will only want her and not cheat on her.

[forbidden_love]

You have got yourself in limbo and unable to make a decision, much like my MM - he is just throwing himself into work and pretending it will all go away. We are all miserable I am sure. Nothing stays the same, love has to grow and thrive, it cannot be suppressed. In the end you have to make a decision and one would be to be honest with your BS before someone does it for you.

 

Basically you have intimacy with your OW that you have probably lost with your BS.

 

My mm's adult kids totally hate me and that is something that has made our situation intolerable and upsets him greatly. But what is the choice, to stay in a fake marriage where you are not happy or spend the rest of your life wondering what if?

[JamesM]

James,

 

I understand and to some degree, when I looked outside of this A I would not feel any compassion either.

 

I feel compassion all right...but mostly for the victims. You are one but the rest are caught in the web you weave.

 

Once that I got caught up in the web, having sx with both my w and mow just seemed like a fantasy and to be honest, it was great! my w benefited the most without a doubt.

 

YOU created the web. You did not get caught in it. As for your wife benefiting from you having sex with other women...one would have to ask her if it was worth it if she really did benefit.

 

I do agree with you, at the end of the day, either the A will force a decision on me or I will have to make one beforehand. Once I had another mow offer to start an A, that would make it 2 A's active and being married, it would be to some degree a wild fantasy. What guy would not want to be part of that?

 

Not many TBH. Having sex with many women? Kinda exciting for awhile. Having wild sex with a woman in a secret life? Yeah, that sounds like fun to a degree. Having to watch every word to keep it all a secret and not knowing if it will stay one? Not fun at all. Discovering you have two complicated relationships with two women who would leave you if they discovered the other? Stressful and scary.

 

Well, i can tell you as I turned down the offer for the 2nd A, I knew I would be in over my head thanks to this thread.

 

I suspect that there were other reasons...such as the third woman wasn't worth the hassle.

 

It was hard to turn the 2nd A away but I couldn't do it. It would be too much knowing my 1st active A mow is truly committed to me and i wanted to be respectful and committed to her. To throw a 2nd Active A and get caught is just too much. I can barely handle it now.

 

It was ironic to read the word committed in the middle of a paragraph about serial cheating.

 

The rollercoaster emotions, guilt, joys that all come from being an a relationship A is quite wearing.

 

Being in one and married is enough for me!

 

I assume you have been in one or at least walked in the shoes of someone who had one?

 

I am not quite so remarkable that women throw themselves at me desiring an affair, so no, it hasn't happened. Flirtations? Perhaps. Sex with a woman while married leading to the possibility of having two stressful relationships? No. And honestly, I am too pragmatic when the extra look or two comes my way.

 

I read plenty of stories here. I have a good friend who has dealt with the pain of being the BS. Even when I am angry at my wife and don't even think about the pain I could cause her, my selfish side kicks in and reminds me of the pain it will cause me.

 

Ask yourself....is the pleasure worth the pain?

 

I keep thinking back on how this A when from a casual A to now a relationship that is demanding, at some point, to give 100% of myself or walk away.

 

The choice is....can you walk away from either one? And I say that you won't until this all blows up in your face and you are forced to make a decision.

 

No judgment from me. I honestly understand why you would want an affair or two. The excitement IS there. But I can't understand how you can continue knowing that you now have two stressful relationships. Jumping into a third? Unimaginable even though it seems like an escape from the others.

 

Please keep us updated when your world is turned upside down by either one of the woman or a new one.

[stillafool]

Your posts do seem rather familiar. It seems you have been here before under a different name. You are extremely selfish, aren't you? I don't know how old your boys are but they probably aren't that young considering your age. You will not be giving them up if you divorce their mom as you will still get some custody. I think they would respect you alot more knowing you made a decision and left rather than if they find out you have been making a complete and utter fool of their mom by continuing on the way you are now. As a child I know I certainly wood. Your wife will be hurt at first until she finds out that the man she thought she married does not exist at all. She will realize that she's been duped by a sniveling coward; and then she will be thankful that you let her go when she meets a man who will give her all the things you never could, his full heart including great sex with only her. Do the best thing for your wife and kids and DIVORCE.

[stillafool]

I can't help but wonder if there are actual AP's who have left their spouses for their AP's and have been successful in both their A relationship and cordial with their ex spouses and kids.

 

Yes there are quite a few. Why don't you join them?

[Realist3]

 

Right now I don't know what to do. With others going on with affairs for years makes me wonder how they have averted the A riping into a full blown relationship.

 

 

A lot of mental gymnastics by both parties that can be extremely frustrating/draining, but at the same time realizing it a necessity to keep things from spiraling out of control. That is how we did it for 4-1/2 years up until three weeks ago. From reading here and talking to others it generally has three outcomes: 1. One party gets tired of the roller coaster and the A just fizzles out. 2. It goes on indefinitely as an accepted part of the A. 3. Finally cross the line into a full blown R.

 

3 weeks ago we started slipping into No. 3 and neither of us has tried to stop it. It is now an elephant in the room that I believe we are both too scared to address yet because it goes against what we had planned for the A since the beginning.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fellini]

You've muddied the waters because for some reason you think you are in a position to describe people around you as you see them (passive, compartamentalizing, needy). Clearly you are not very convincing in your assessment of people. Also remember people are like this in relation to others.

 

Is your OW needy with her husband? Or just with you? She has an addictive disorder? Or are you both clinging to a sinking ship (hers metaphorically I hope, as I understand she is on a cruise)

 

You should focus on what you are feeling, not what personality type you think you are.

What are your feelings for your wife?

Now what are your feelings for your kids?

Now what are your feelings for your AP?

What are your moral beliefs about ending a marriage for an AP?

Are you afraid you will end up with nothing? Does that scare you?

 

Your kids are your kids. They will love you regardless.

 

WHAT do you VALUE MOST in your LIFE: right now?

Make a list of 10 things you value. Now knock one off at a time those items that, yes, you value them, but you do value the others more.

 

When you get to the last one (or two - some people cannot get to one) you will know what to do.

 

Don't get all bogged down in psychological types, color charts of other people's personalities, and the "what if's" of your kids.

 

You and only you can make yourself happy. At the moment you are CLEARLY NOT DOING THIS regardless of fooling yourself about the benefits of being in 2 relationships.

[fellini]

The last thing a person this screwed up should do is "follow advice".

He needs clarity. His clarity, not the clarity of LS. Because he is clearly unable to connect advice to his own current situation, what he needs to do is to peel the layers off of what he thinks is his enormously complicated life, and do something about it. But I don't see how he can do anything that he doesn't decide is best for him. He does not strike me as a person interested in other people's experiences in order to reinterpret his own.

 

In fact, he seems thoroughly engrossed in his mess. One might even say, he needs the mess in order not to move forward, which allows him to continue not doing anything. Which is precisely what he wants.

 

Eventually someone will come into this mess, probably his WS, and make the decisions for him in such a way that he will finally get the picture.

 

 

Welcome back. No, you did not heed the words of warning. You have been asking for advice here about your A since it began over a year ago. You never follow any of the advice.

 

If it is causing you so much continual strife just end it.

 

*still can't write out the word SEX I see.

[Realist3]

 

You and only you can make yourself happy. At the moment you are CLEARLY NOT DOING THIS regardless of fooling yourself about the benefits of being in 2 relationships.

 

It is actually 3 relationships. The 2ndMW he's been having an EA with buttering her up to get a PA going isn't just going away.

 

 

 

 

 

The last thing a person this screwed up should do is "follow advice".

He needs clarity. His clarity, not the clarity of LS. Because he is clearly unable to connect advice to his own current situation, what he needs to do is to peel the layers off of what he thinks is his enormously complicated life, and do something about it. But I don't see how he can do anything that he doesn't decide is best for him. He does not strike me as a person interested in other people's experiences in order to reinterpret his own.

 

In fact, he seems thoroughly engrossed in his mess. One might even say, he needs the mess in order not to move forward, which allows him to continue not doing anything. Which is precisely what he wants.

 

Eventually someone will come into this mess, probably his WS, and make the decisions for him in such a way that he will finally get the picture.

 

This is most likely to be the case. Mentally he is in the exact same place he was a year ago when this 'affair' started. "How will it end? How do I keep it going?" The same questions over and over. This is his 4th username on this board by my count.

 

I probably worded it wrong in my comments about advice. Whether someone takes advice from this board makes no difference whatsoever to me. It is more an habitual effort to dance around nothing. Wash, rinse ,repeat.