Need your insight about Girlfriend

[Kernal]

I am very much overanalyzing what she has said.. Mainly to my new friends here in this forum.. Honestly I have not even brought this up to her since Sunday.

 

I want to take those statements at face value.. Why? Because they are easily fixable and not really a permanent problem.

 

I am insecure in our relationship since she texted me about her being more laid back than me.. And about being not serious.. Those were big blows.

 

 

 

I agree that communication is important, but overanalyzing everything can also get really annoying and ultimately drive a person away.

 

Is there some reason why you can't take statements such as "I don't sleep well in your bed" or "I need to catch up on my housework" at face value? Sometimes there isn't any underlying meaning. Don't start grilling her about every single thing she says.

 

Ultimately, you are feeling insecure in the relationship so that is why you are overanalyzing all of this so much. If you want to have a conversation about where things stand, then do that, once. But don't have the same conversation over and over again under different guises.

[Kernal]

Correct. those statement reveal more about her feelings towards our relationship by far.

 

 

This is what you need to clarify with her. Wanting to paint her garage on her own, wanting to go out with her sister, that means nothing......................this does !

 

She is not ready to be THAT serious ------ Need explanation

I am WAY MORE laid back about things than you--------Need explanation.

[GemmaUK]

What post was it of yours OP that she said she didn't want help painting the garage or emptying it? Remind me?

 

Please quote it all.

I thought she mentioned it was something she had to do.

 

I wasn't aware she had barred you from helping.

[Kernal]

Correct. those statement reveal more about her feelings towards our relationship by far.

No we normally on talk on the phone a couple times a week but daily texts.. She has said she prefers texts because you can multitask.. Watch a movie etc which you cant do on the phone.

 

I get your point about grooming LOL..

 

I have stayed at her house.. Just not in a while.. I have asked her in the past why we dont go to her place and she told me my house is more centrally located to the things we do..

 

I also asked her on Sunday how often during her 2 year relationship did hee ex boyfriend stay at her house.... She said quite a bit (all the time) because they were always preparing for balloon races (He was a corporate pilot)

but again she had been with him 2 years.. so Im sure they were more emotionally involved than her and I

 

I dont think she has gone.. I really noticed a cherriness in her voice last night when we talked.. Or maybe it was just me.. She did notice I was talking fast.. I made up a lame excuse but I guess I had built up a lot of nervousness prior to calling and it showed..

 

 

 

Housework...over the time you have been dating you did say that there were nightly phone calls.

I want to ask..

Do you have the same size space to look after and the same amount of time in the day to care for it.

Also, how much time do you spend on personal grooming..eg..de-fuzzing, painting nails and toenails, doing your hair, make up, hair, face any body treatments?

^^^^those are all of the things a man expects of a woman as the norm.

 

 

Have you ever asked to stay at hers?

Did she say no?

It might be because it's a mess as she hasn't had any time to herself to sort it since you have been dating....

Us busy women get home sometimes and ignore the mess..we are too darn tired! We would rather talk to the guy we are dating than do the housework. Except....we are seeing him at the weekend so it won't get done then either....vicious circle..see it?

 

 

 

See my comment above.

 

 

 

I am.

My last guy..he was controlling..way worse and way more needy than you are being (really sorry if that sounds bad..but I need to say it to get over to you what I mean). Go see this thread if you want more info. Reda my posts.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/467936-question-women-who-ve-been-abusive-relationships

 

She wants to talk to you..she wants you around.

Take it a day at a time.

For some women it really is just like that (especially ones who are independent)

We love space, we love when a guy is a bit of a mystery. Learn how to be!

We love it!!!!

 

If it is all on the plate it's not fun.

Make it more fun.

Let her chase you too.

It's not a head game it's the DATING/COURTING game (sorry for shouting!)

 

 

For the record...I think she likes you a lot.

But...she is having a tough time, has expressed it..don't do a talk...instead get involved with your own life...she will come...she hasn't gone..she just honestly needs a break and you are the only thing in her life she can honestly ask that of.

[Kernal]

Well the conversion started when I brought up why she looked upset during the festival all day sunday..

 

She said "I really have been needing to paint the inside of my garage"

I replied "Oh, Well I could help you do that if you would like"

She said "Oh I would never expect you to do that. I would have to completely clear it out"

 

She was probably just trying to be polite.. It didnt come across as a barr. Probably not wanting to take up my free time.. She's like that. VERY POLITE. TOO POLITE LOL

 

 

 

What post was it of yours OP that she said she didn't want help painting the garage or emptying it? Remind me?

 

Please quote it all.

I thought she mentioned it was something she had to do.

 

I wasn't aware she had barred you from helping.

[Kernal]

I have decided to not initiate a texting conversation tonight since we had our long phone discussion last night. Trying to give her space..

 

If I don't hear from her I'll probably send her a single goodnight text at 9:30. But in the past she'll usually text me if she hasn't heard from me..

 

Tomorrow will be the day I find out if she has plans together. Im not going to suggest us getting together to allow her the time to do what she needs to do and not feel like she has to make any excuses to me. But if she does suggest us to get together I'll do it.

 

I do myself have a busy Saturday moving boxes out of my garage to a storage unit and cleaning it out. Should take most of the afternoon.

[Kernal]

Well sure enough she is texting me. She invited me to go with her to her brother-in-laws band performance Saturday night.

 

Thats a good sign right? Am a freaking out over nothing? I don't think so.. Maybe those statements she made are simply indications or flags that need to be heeded but have not reached a critical status at this point in time.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Kernal

[GemmaUK]

Well the conversion started when I brought up why she looked upset during the festival all day sunday..

 

She said "I really have been needing to paint the inside of my garage"

I replied "Oh, Well I could help you do that if you would like"

She said "Oh I would never expect you to do that. I would have to completely clear it out"

 

She was probably just trying to be polite.. It didnt come across as a barr. Probably not wanting to take up my free time.. She's like that. VERY POLITE. TOO POLITE LOL

 

....yup, she sounds even more like me....

 

I had to clear out my garage back a couple of years ago.

It was full to the ceiling almost with old furniture and junk.

There were repairs to the garages that needed doing so we had a deadline on it.

I am only 5ft nothing and have no transport so my only real option was hiring someone to do it for me as I don't like asking friends for that kind of help.

I had just started seeing someone and mentioned that I had to get it sorted - the company doing it had got a skip in for people to use so it was made easier for me to do alone due to that.

My guy just said 'when do you need it doing? I'll come and it'll be all done in an hour.You can take me out for a drink and some food afterwards.'

He did come and help, it was so much easier with someone to help..and I did take him out as my 'payment' to him.

It took a lot for me to accept the offer though but I was up against a deadline...and it was down to me to provide the refreshments after so it made me feel better about needing help.

 

In your situation I would bring it up with her and say that if she makes you a nice lunch or takes you out then you'd be very much up for helping out. Tell her no food in payment though and the deal is off!

Make her 'work' for your help...she won't feel so bad asking.

 

Just read your last post...don't doubt things....that is great news that she has invited you!

 

I think you need to maybe focus on being her best friend (hear me out before thinking I mean get yourself into the 'friendzone' as I don't mean that at all).

You have good chemistry clearly and get on well, the intimate side must be OK I am guessing.

It's nice when a man is loved up but truth be told it's not really my thing to be 'adored' or need to feel 'adored'.

I want a best friend who I have a laugh with, great intimacy with and who I can banter with and bounce off.

 

I don't need hearts and flowers. I just need a great guy who is most of all my best friend. That for me would be bliss! I did find it once and we were together 14 years. Sadly we grew apart in the end. But that is the kind of relationship I so much want again.

 

..and your gf is sounding more and more like me with each post you write...which is why I am telling you more about me. We're the same age group too.

 

If you can manage to pull you out of your uncertainty then I honestly think you two really have a great chance here.

 

There's a book called The Four Agreements. I'll put the link below.

 

It's about having an easier life for yourself. One of the agreements is never to make assumptions (it is the most difficult one to stick to granted, but the more you try to not make assumptions the happier you will be.)

I just went to look at the agreements...there is another that would be great for you to read too 'don't take anything personally'....I had forgotten about that one..

This little book would be a great read for you..trust me! (no I am not linked to the author in any way..just a fan of the book).You like to analyse and this will help you think about things a little (lot) differently. It would be perfect for you right now.

 

I have read it time and time again..and in fact I have just this minute bought it to keep on my Kindle.

(there's a bit at the beginning about religion which for me was a tough read as I am not religious but once past that it's a great little book)

 

 

Most of what you are analysing here are your own assumptions of her straight forward words. You're reading too much into them.

If she wanted to end it with you she would.

I know that she would. Why do I know?

Because she was single for 2 years and is clearly OK being single.

So, you see...she is happy to have you around. I don't think you realise that single is easier for some of us. She can do it. She doesn't want to..cos she has you and she is liking having you around.

 

I went and found the US Amazon linky for you:

 

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book): Don Miguel Ruiz: 9781878424310: Amazon.com: Books

 

 

PS. I am really pleased that she invited you!

[Kernal]

GemmaUK Thank you so much for your post. I'll take a look at the book.

 

I got off work early and was looking at some cars for my son and was reflecting on the weekend...

 

I had posted earlier that a woman had come into the trailer while at the Renascence Fair last weekend and told my girlfriend with me standing right there that an old friend of hers wanted to ask her on a date because he thought she was cute..

 

My GF told her politely NO THANK YOU I am dating someone and he is right there. The woman said "How Awkward" and left..

 

I thanked my gf and kissed her but it still upset me a bit..

 

A couple hours later my mother texted me how it was going and I said I was a bit upset.. She called me and I took the call and walked around the trailer. She asked what was wrong and I told her what happened and when I walked back my GF glared at me. I mean really glared..

 

I shrugged it off but come to think about it thats when her attitude changed..

 

Now I don't normally include my mother in this drama but she asked and oh well.. Whats done is done..

 

Im thinking my GF might have heard my conversation telling my mother what happened with the woman. Why else would she have glared?

 

That could explain alot about her attitude. Actually I would have been pissed too. Stupid me.

[Gaeta]

I don't see why that would upset your girlfriend, it's not like you were asking your mom how to handle your relationship with her. Did you say something your GF could have interpreted as you don't trust her?

[Kernal]

I don't know.. I forgot all about the glare she gave me but it was a definite glare,.. Her attitude after was night and day..

 

I mean she probably thought it was pretty pathetic for me to tell my mom about that.. She did handle the situation very well with me there. She did nothing wrong.

 

Oh well, seems she has gotten over it. I wont bring it up to her this weekend.

[Kernal]

things seem to be ok..

 

Well, last night my GF texted me about 6 and asked if I wanted to come over to her house and have some beers with her sister.

 

I grabbed a pizza and headed over.

 

I arrived and everyone was in a really good mood. We drank and laughed and about 10PM her sister left.

 

My GF got into the reason why she wasn't in a good mood last weekend.. She said she was upset because she always felt like it was her responsibility to make sure things went smoothly and got done.

 

She brought 160 in cash and had to give all of it to her kids to gain admission to the fair. Then on the day of the wedding my ATM card was locked out and I couldn't get any money out of my bank account so we were broke.. She couldn't even buy her sister a drink which sucked.

 

She said because I was there and didn't know anyone she felt she had to keep me entertained and that stressed her out too. I told her I had no problems and I didn't need to be worried about. I had no problem meeting the folks at the fair and having a good time.

 

She basically said that the wedding was very disorganized and she felt she was the only one concerned with making things happen..

 

She reiterated she want to be in a relationship where she isn't always responsible for everything such as the plans.. making all the arrangements.. so on.. I am very much a planner but sometimes I miss the details.. Dont know if she was just making a statement or pointing out a issue she has with me.. If so it seems pretty minor.

 

She did say she was more laid back about things than me AGAIN ... But it seemed to be more in the context of everything and not specifically our relationship.. An example would be I was stressing out about my costume at the fair.. My shirt didn't arrive till the friday before and I didn't have a proper belt to wear plus shoes... I felt like I would look stupid if I wasn't dressed to the nines as a lot of people do there... I kept bringing it up the week before the fair. She said I should just relax about everything..

 

SO... She invited me to stay the night and I accepted. Yes we did get intimate and I got up this morning after a cup of coffee and left to take care of some car shopping for my son and move some boxes for a friend.

 

She is coming over tonight and we are going out to hear her brother in laws band at the pub. Then we have plans Sunday to watch Game of thrones premier.

 

Im giving her all day today to give her time to do her own thing.

 

Thoughts?

Edited April 5, 2014 by Kernal

[HappyLove]

I think she noticed you pulling back and giving her space so that's why she's opening up to you. It probably put some fear in her. I think you should keep giving her space and I find it interesting that when you invite her out she tells you NO a lot but when she invites you, you JUMP.

 

She wants a man who makes plans and takes her out but she turns you down when you try to spend time with her. Maybe she wants more formal dates where you wine & dine her?

 

Overall it's better that she's sharing with you but seems like you're still leaving these talks with questions. You need to ask the questions then and there so you have an understanding of what she is telling you. Don't assume anything, make it clear while with her.

 

I think you should keep doing the same backing off a bit and letting her initiate things with you. I think she had it too easy and was taking you for granted. Look at how the little changes you've done already has you set up to spend a lot more time with her.

 

Maybe you also need to listen to her and try being a little more laid back seems like you freak out over small things. Good luck!

[Kernal]

Yes.. I guess in the past couple of weeks I have become very insecure in our relationship. I am sure she can read into that.

 

I must get my confidence back!

 

I asked her twice if it was anything I did to make her upset and she reiterated it was not.. So I just need to accept that.

 

the rest of the conversation about our differences seem to be pretty minor..

 

I'm sure many ladies talk to their SO's about the differences between themselves and their boyfriends..

[Kernal]

We had a long talk last night..

 

She told me I am not the type of guy she normally dates. She said she has in the past only been attracted to Type A personalities.

 

Her dating history the last few years was a retired professor, then a corporate pilot for a major gym company then an actual millionaire from Houston. All were 10 years older than her (Shes 47)

 

(before we go down that road no she is not shallow and no it's not about the money and she's not a gold digger.. I make good money also)

 

She said that Type A's are able to make decisions and get things done. She said she wanted someone that could take care of her in a "zombie apocalypse " as she put it in her example.. She said TYPE A's would be able to provide when others could not..

 

She said her only and first husband was a lazy ********* how laid there on the couch while she was giving birth to his son and his daughter was admitted in the hospital with a eye infection. She said I never want to be with that type again...

 

Am I a Type A? Not really. I am career driven, I work hard... but I balance my life more than a Type A does.

 

She gave me examples of her concerns...

 

Two weeks after I met her I accidentally texted her a message meant for my mother talking about what she had said to me about I job I had applied for.. She wondered why I would need to do that? She said type A's wouldn't do that.. A type A is more confident..

 

She said I could be indecisive... Like where we eat for lunch.. Wont make a decision..I told her it wasn't indecisiveness.. It was being considerate to what she wanted to do. She said ok..

 

Anyways.. I don't think she is saying I need to become a Type A... I think the whole jest of the conversation was that she's going out of her element dating a guy with my personality. This is causing her to approach our relationship cautiously as she isn't sure I can fulfill her needs in a relationship. i.e. to take care of her in a crisis.. or day to day be the decision maker.

 

She stayed the night and we went to bed and this morning we were intimate.. We watched a movie and held hands walking together for lunch.

 

Tonight she invited me to her sisters and we are going to watch the Game of thrones premier tonight at my house.

 

I feel she is laying it out what she needs and she needed me to understand that she's not sure I can fulfill that.. But she's not going to break up with me at this time either.

 

I feel she needed to tell me this because it explains why our relationship hasn't moved forward to the point it might be at 6 months..

 

Thoughts?

[Gaeta]

Well, since the beginning I felt she was not that into you, this confirms it, again.

 

She won't break up with you because you're good company *for now*.

 

It's what? the 2nd or 3rd memo you're getting from her about her having a foot out the door.

 

Her type A speech is lame and yes superficial. Having a man in our life capable of taking care of us is not about him having money or being an alpha male. I find her very.........limited in her thinking.

[Gaeta]

Her dating history the last few years was a retired professor, then a corporate pilot for a major gym company then an actual millionaire from Houston. All were 10 years older than her (Shes 47)

Really? Did she REALLY need to give you the list of the MORE successful than you that she dated?? That is SO condescending and disrespectful of you!

 

What she said is the equivalent of you telling a woman that you're used to date sexier and hotter.

 

Ugh!

 

ETA: Sorry for the multiple posts!

 

Didn't she say she needed you to be more laid back? and now she wants an Alpha male?

Edited April 6, 2014 by Gaeta

[Kernal]

I think the whole speech about type a caught me off guard.

 

my first reaction was I can't be expected to change my core person I am..

 

but then I feel she kind of backed off from that and just pointed out that she just wants a man that can take care of her when she need them too. I guess my slight indecisiveness and misguided text with my mother made her question as she said most men wouldn't be talking to their mothers about their new girlfriend opinion on a job I applied for.

 

I think she's just telling me what her needs are in she's hoping that I can be the guy that fulfill those needs.

 

Well, since the beginning I felt she was not that into you, this confirms it, again.

 

She won't break up with you because you're good company *for now*.

 

It's what? the 2nd or 3rd memo you're getting from her about her having a foot out the door.

 

Her type A speech is lame and yes superficial. Having a man in our life capable of taking care of us is not about him having money or being an alpha male. I find her very.........limited in her thinking.

[Kernal]

she is very frugal and down to earth. She isn't high maintenance and its very appreciative for anything I do for her. She was honest to me and who she was dating. It is what it is and I never felt uncomfortable and who I am. I really don't think she was being rude but just truthful on her ex's and history

 

 

 

Really? Did she REALLY need to give you the list of the MORE successful than you that she dated?? That is SO condescending and disrespectful of you!

 

What she said is the equivalent of you telling a woman that you're used to date sexier and hotter.

 

Ugh!

 

ETA: Sorry for the multiple posts!

 

Didn't she say she needed you to be more laid back? and now she wants an Alpha male?

[Gaeta]

but then I feel she kind of backed off from that and just pointed out that she just wants a man that can take care of her when she need them too.

At first she was telling you she wants to take things slow, then that she was not ready for something serious, then that you needed to be more laid back..........now she wants a man to take care of her? uh? Do you see the contradiction? it's just one more excuse as to why she won't fully commit to you.

 

And this *taking care of her* is synonymic of an old man with money?

 

I guess my slight indecisiveness and misguided text with my mother made her question as she said most men wouldn't be talking to their mothers about their new girlfriend opinion on a job I applied for..

Wrong, I know a lot of men talking to their mother. One of my brothers, big, tough, tattooed everywhere, works construction, drive a Harley...talks to our mother about his love life!

 

And, that is all that it took for her image of you to come tumbling down?

 

I think she's just telling me what her needs are in she's hoping that I can be the guy that fulfill those needs.

So what is it that she wants again? Laid back or dominant? Going with the flow or man that will organize her life?

[Mrin]

There is a distinction to be made between alpha males and type a males. Sounds like she wants an alpha.

 

Geata - to your question she wants him to be confident. More confidence will result in decisiveness, assertiveness and being laid back in an alpha way. Baring that, she wants him to chillax as a FWB/casual boy friend. And that whole type a crap she threw at him will make him anything but confident.

 

I also agree with you on that whole type A diatribe she went on. If a gal did that to me I wouldn't let her get to the end of the list before telling her to get the hell out of my house because I normally date women cut from better cloth.

 

Kernal - just throwing this out there but have you had your testosterone checked? We dudes start to lose it in our 40's and it can create chaos on our emotions.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Mrin

[Kernal]

I am a good man and I treat her good. What else can I do

 

 

There is a distinction to be made between alpha males and type a males. Sounds like she wants an alpha.

 

Geata - to your question she wants him to be confident. More confidence will result in decisiveness, assertiveness and being laid back in an alpha way. Baring that, she wants him to chillax as a FWB/casual boy friend. And that whole type a crap she threw at him will make him anything but confident.

 

I also agree with you on that whole type A diatribe she went on. If a gal did that to me I wouldn't let her get to the end of the list before telling her to get the hell out of my house because I normally date women cut from better cloth.

 

Kernal - just throwing this out there but have you had your testosterone checked? We dudes start to lose it in our 40's and it can create chaos on our emotions.

[Gaeta]

I am a good man and I treat her good. What else can I do

Find a woman that really appreciates the value of it.

[todreaminblue]

im mid forties and going through something similar ,a bit earlier though,I was alone for a very long time and am a bit set in my ways and freedom

 

 

 

I tend to get sapped a lot by responsibility and commitment and zoning out is my specialty i take on a lot of others problems cant help it, its what i do I have a large family loads of issues i am working through.....and i do feel i am ready for a relationship But I really miss my alone time, I stress out and much prefer to destress out solo.....always have...... i become short and distant when I am needing alone time,I am normally affectionate and have a sense of humor but when i am needing space i am not so humorous, I don't want to think to talk i just want to be a pumpkin for a while...i like to watch old movies or cooking shows and day dream with babble as a background....my guy sensed this i feel its pretty obvious......and he went home its not that i want the relationship to end or break up ....i just need my veggie time to recoup....because every little thing starts to prick at my unkindness....and i dont like being mean (i cannot handle guilt if i were to hurt another) .....its just a matter of space i need and i feel a bit trapped

 

 

if any of this sounds familiar the shortness, a bit of tension in the air, a slight of hesitation in setting plans....give her space to breathe, let her initiate........i always appreciate and respect a call in a couple of days to touch base catch up and share a laugh and honestly have something to talk about.....maybe this will help ...she will let you know what's up when she has time to breathe....let her know you are giving her space, don't just disappear into thin air..... if she is honest she will respect you for giving her what she needs as you are being considerate of her "needs" not just what she wants..best wishes....deb

Edited April 7, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Kernal]

Thank You Deb,

 

At this point I don't think it's about giving her space to develop our relationship at her own pace.

 

After considering what she said to me last night about the type of man she needs I really think she's having hesitant to commit to me due to her perception of my personality. Basically shes still up in the air figuring out if I'm the man for her. Until she figures that out she's not going to commit to me.