Need your insight about Girlfriend

[Mascara]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in what you're asking for/wanting. I'm a similar age, and have been in a relationship for about the same length of time. I'm with someone who's on the same page, and I think that's the crux of the matter here - we like to spend more time together as it goes on, not less. Sure, there are times when all we want to do is fall in front of the TV, but we do it together.

 

If you both liked space, that would be fine too. Personally though, I wouldn't want to be with someone who needed regular "time out", after 6 months it would make me feel like a fulltime relationship wasn't in the near future at all (and I have no interest in "dating" for years at my age).

 

It sounds like you're the same... and she's not. I don't think she's necessarily losing interest, it's that you're not looking for the same things at the same pace.... and she pulls back when she sense you're guiding it in the direction you want.

[GemmaUK]

I think she is just exhausted.

There's a lot of stress at work going on. When I have that I just want to sit quiet and zone out the same as she does.

 

Many of the normal things that she previously had time for at weekends she probably now fits in in the evenings- normal daily housework, shopping and running errands plus there'll be personal up keep too.

 

I tried to suggest date nights with my a man I dated - but for calls too so that I knew I had a few hours a couple of evenings a week to catch up with things at home - or I could simply zone out and watch TV.

He didn't like the suggestion so was consistently free each evening and said that if I was tired or busy for me to let him know.

I ended up being made to feel guilty though if I worked two nights in a row until 8/9pm and needed time to get ready to see him the following weekend.

 

I think maybe she wants things to feel a bit more 'natural' and take each day as it comes.

 

I think you should perhaps say that you're not looking to move in with her and that a decision like that would be a year or so down the line at least.

 

6 months is pretty quick to talk about moving in. It would be for me anyway. (though I do see it was simply a comment at the time).

 

I think perhaps she has expressed a few times about wanting to just chill out some evenings, I'd ask her to have a think about what could work for her and see where you can both meet in the middle.

 

Years ago when we all started dating it was a call to arrange a date, then seeing them for that date but in between dates there was no way to be in touch all day each day.

There was a 'chance to miss each other' and it was part of the fun of dating and getting to know someone.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Do ya'll think its odd that two 45 year olds who have been dating 6 months haven't said I love you? IS that a bad sign?

 

Not at all. The older I've gotten, the less flippant I am with the use of that word. Actually, if you and her used that word already I would think it more concerning actually (because from reading your initial post you two don't seem that close yet; i.e. seeing each other relatively infrequently).

[mammasita]

Do ya'll think its odd that two 45 year olds who have been dating 6 months haven't said I love you? IS that a bad sign?

 

I'm 38, divorced, teenage son - I can say here to you and LS that I'm in love with my BF, we've been dating for 6 months now.

 

I haven't said it to him yet.....not because I don't feel it because I so definitely do. I've just rushed into it so may times in the past, I'm taking it slow this time around.

 

That said and to answer your question - I don't think its odd, nor do I think its a bad sign.

[preraph]

Doesn't sound like she is ready for much of a relationship. All you can do with people who "need space" is give it to them and see if they come around. But yes, it's a delicate balance between letting them call all the shots and having some say in it. As my elder sibling used to say, "When you get tired of being miserable, you'll leave."

[Kernal]

This weekend at the Rennasance Festival her brother in law told me they think of me like family.. Out of the blue he said She has been alone alot and I shouldn't tell her I love you first.. He's known her for over 25 years.

 

She is a very independent lady.. She was last in a 2 year relationship two years ago..

 

I haven't been pressuring her to move in.. Im not ready for that.. I think the spending more time together is more perceived by her... I haven't flat out said asked for more time although when she leaves early on Sunday I probably LOOK dissapointed.. Who knows.

 

Actually.. We only see each other on weekdays about once every two weeks and last Wednesday was the first time she politely declined... And I did not make a big deal out of it at all.. Just told her ok

[Mrin]

Ya, I don't think it is a bad sign either. I mean, while you have been dating for 6 months it isn't exactly like you're binging on either other's company.

 

I do think pulling back is the way to go but I have to respectfully disagree with Gaeta here. I wouldn't tell her why and here's my logic. If she is really just stressed, having that conversation will only make it worse as is invites the "crap, on top of all of this I have to deal with my clingy boyfriend". I mean, you've already gone there by bringing the subject up several times. If she does ask why you've pulled back I would certainly tell her that you thought she needed some space and were respecting that. I would't go NC. I would go less contact and have her initiate at least 50% of it. Also, let her reserve time with you on weekends/date nights.

 

One other word of advice, I am mincing words here but earlier you said something to the effect of "I hear you need space and I am willing to give it to you". I would recommend staying away from terms like "willing" etc as they can be hot buttons. I would rather suggest phrasing it like "you said you were needing some space and I wanted to respect that". It is a nuance but words do matter.

[clia]

I actually somewhat disagree.

 

I'm 39, very independent, and also have a stressful job (right down to dreaming about it at times!) I can really relate to what she is saying.

 

Is she an introvert?

 

Hi,

I asked her a week later if she wanted me to come over on a wed to watch TV.. She said she was tired.. She told me she is REALLY stressed out at work and having dreams about it.. She said all she wants to do after work is zone out and watch TV..

 

I'm exactly like this. I sometimes don't even want to talk to my fiance on the phone if I've had a particularly rough day. I just want to be alone and to veg out. Everyone handles stress differently. Just because some people posting here would pull their partner closer doesn't mean that everyone does that.

 

Anyways, this weekend we went to a renaissance festival for the weekend to see her sister get married.. We stayed from Friday till Sunday..

 

She was really distant the whole weekend. Not at all affectionate.. I asked her again what was wrong.. She said she was still stressed from work..

She said she feels I want more of her time and her work makes her too tired during the week.. Thats cool with me for now though.

 

Stress affects me like this also. I don't feel like myself. I just get kind of lost in my brain trying to work out solutions to the problems and I can't relax, even to be affectionate. It's a distracted, annoying feeling that won't go away.

 

You are at the six month point. This is a pretty pivotal point in the relationship. If she feels like you want to see her more than she is capable of seeing you right now, that is only adding to her stress level.

 

Will her job get less stressful anytime soon? (Does she have a deadline or something that is causing this?)

I asked her about it Saturday night and she reiterated her stress at work.. she said when she gets home after work she wants to just zone out and not think about anything. She didn't want to keep talking about it so I changed the subject..

 

Anyways on the drive home I asked her about spending time together.. She said a few things that have me thinking..

 

It seems like you are bringing this up a lot, but maybe it's just how you laid out the story here.

 

She said she doesn't sleep well at my house.. She said she needs her makeup and clothes.. Yet when she comes over on friday or saturday she doesn't bring them. Its like she's not planning on staying but does anyways..

 

If she works a Mon-Fri workweek, I totally get that she doesn't want to have to pack a bag to bring all of her stuff (make-up, shower stuff, clothing) to your place, get ready at your place, and go to work straight from your place. This also makes total sense if she doesn't sleep well at your place and is already stressed at work. It's totally different to crash on a Friday or Saturday night when you can go home the next morning to get ready.

 

Have you asked her if you could stay at her place one night during the week?

 

She also started talking about having to repaint her garage one weekend.. I offered to help but she seemed reluctant.. Said she would have to move everything out.. I took it like she didn't want my help.

 

She's venting about everything she has to do, but with her stress at work she doesn't feel like piling any more on. She will want your help eventually, but isn't ready to take this task on right now. it was just a vent.

 

Here is my take on this.. i think after 6 months of giving me almost all her weekends she might be missing her freetime or space and she's setting up to have more of that by what she said.

 

Could be. I definitely went through this phase. I had to get used to having my fiance around and spending so much time with him on the weekends, because I was very used to being independent and doing things on my own. For her, pulling back may make her realize how much she wants you around.

 

What should I do? I'm pretty much the planner in our relationship.. Should I just leave it up to her if she wants to see me this friday/weekend? Give her an opportunity to have some space?

 

I think you should be supportive and give her the opportunity for some space, if she wants it. Ask her out as your normally do, but give her an out. "I know you've been really stressed out at work, so if you want some time alone I completely understand. But I would like to see you on Saturday night if you are up for it." (Or something like that.)

 

We normally text every day? Maybe i should back off from that?

 

If she's responsive to your texts, I don't know why you would do this.

[Kernal]

I forgot to say one more thing..

 

She told me last week in a text..

 

I texted her "I always sleep better when I'm with you"

 

She said "Im not ready to get that serious yet"

 

I said "thats not what I meant.. I was just saying im relaxed when Im with you"

 

 

Then she said "I am way more laid back about things than you"

 

She must have perceived the sleeping comment as wanting to up our relationship

[clia]

Do ya'll think its odd that two 45 year olds who have been dating 6 months haven't said I love you? IS that a bad sign?

 

I personally think it is odd. This could also be adding to her stress level. I would be getting worried if I had been dating a man for six months, spending the night at his house (and having him ask me to spend more nights over) and spending the entire weekend with him and he hadn't yet told me he loved me. But I have no idea what your relationship dynamic is, so maybe it is too soon for the two of you.

[Kernal]

Thank you Clia for your insight. that gives me hope.

 

Yes she is an introvert. She flat out said she doesn't like to socialize .

[pteromom]

 

I think you should be supportive and give her the opportunity for some space, if she wants it. Ask her out as your normally do, but give her an out. "I know you've been really stressed out at work, so if you want some time alone I completely understand. But I would like to see you on Saturday night if you are up for it." (Or something like that.)

 

I agree. I am like your gf too, OP. Having alone time is very important to me, and when I am stressed, the last thing I want is someone else needing something from me. I respect someone giving me space, and it doesn't mean I am not interested or am losing interest. It's just the way I am... I am not a high-needs person.

 

I wouldn't back off the texting if she responds well to it.

 

I would not push the relationship forward.

 

I would not say anything that would make her feel guilty for wanting some alone time. There is nothing more 'sad sack' sounding and eye-roll inducing than "I guess I will give you some space, since that's what you seem to want." Seriously does NOT make someone want to spend more time with that person!

 

However, when she gets through her current stressful situation, I would have a general conversation about what she wants long-term. Does she even want to live together and get married? Or is she happy with the seeing-eachother-on-most-weekends thing?

[Gaeta]

She is a very independent lady.. She was last in a 2 year relationship two years ago..

That is not being alone a lot. That is normal.

[Gaeta]

I forgot to say one more thing..

 

She told me last week in a text..

 

I texted her "I always sleep better when I'm with you"

 

She said "Im not ready to get that serious yet"

 

I said "thats not what I meant.. I was just saying im relaxed when Im with you"

 

 

Then she said "I am way more laid back about things than you"

 

She must have perceived the sleeping comment as wanting to up our relationship

This is very important information. I get a sense that she is only casually dating you and you are under the impression you are building a relationship with her.

[Gaeta]

I forgot to say one more thing..

 

She told me last week in a text..

 

I texted her "I always sleep better when I'm with you"

 

She said "Im not ready to get that serious yet"

She really jumped the gun here. All you said is you sleep better next to her and she took it as a marriage proposal.

[Kernal]

I met her online and she said in her profile she was cautious about relationships.

 

We have been very affectionate with each other.. Hold hands.. Have sex a few times a weekend.. We are exclusively dating each other and she refers to me as her boyfriend to everyone we meet.

 

I also asked her how often she saw the man she had been with for two years.. She said he stayed over at her house pretty much every night.. But that was a longer term relationship than our 6 month one. I dont know how long it took her to get to that point.

 

 

Would you define the difference between casually dating and a relationship?

 

 

 

This is very important information. I get a sense that she is only casually dating you and you are under the impression you are building a relationship with her.

Edited March 31, 2014 by Kernal

[Mrin]

This is very important information. I get a sense that she is only casually dating you and you are under the impression you are building a relationship with her.

 

Yep. Agree completely. And she knows there is an expectations conversation that needs to happen.

 

So I guess what I would say is aside from figuring out how to act, you need to figure out if you are okay and able to be in a casual dating relationship with this woman rather than a real relationship. If not, you probably need to cut bait as she's just not there with you.

 

Mrin

[Gaeta]

I met her online and she said in her profile she was cautious about relationships.

 

We have been very affectionate with each other.. Hold hands.. Have sex a few times a weekend.. We are exclusively dating each other and she refers to me as her boyfriend to everyone we meet.

 

 

Would you define the difference between casually dating and a relationship?

*shaking head*

 

If you are looking to build a relationship with someone then you skip meeting women that are *cautious about relationships*, it's the same as *I'm not ready*.

 

When you casually date you want the occasional company, the distraction, the entertainment and the fun. There is no *getting emotionally invested* in dating casually. Yes you can be exclusive but it's still just casual.

 

Of course she is pulling away, you are wanting something she doesn't and by putting distance between you 2 she is bringing everything back to where she is comfortable, in the *casual* zone.

 

I am sorry but I feel you will end up the big loser here.

[Kernal]

A little background on me.. I met her 2 months after separating from my wife. the divorce will just be final on the 8th of April..

 

So I wasn't looking for a whirlwind romance/remarriage right away..

 

But I have invested alot in her. I do want more than just casual at some point.. But if it stays casual for say another few months thats ok.. She's fulfilling my needs at the moment.

 

But soon I would like more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*shaking head*

 

If you are looking to build a relationship with someone then you skip meeting women that are *cautious about relationships*, it's the same as *I'm not ready*.

 

When you casually date you want the occasional company, the distraction, the entertainment and the fun. There is no *getting emotionally invested* in dating casually. Yes you can be exclusive but it's still just casual.

 

Of course she is pulling away, you are wanting something she doesn't and by putting distance between you 2 she is bringing everything back to where she is comfortable, in the *casual* zone.

 

I am sorry but I feel you will end up the big loser here.

[Mrin]

Dating and Relationship is a nuance but important. I think Gaeta put is well when she said occasional company. That is to say, you guys spend time together when you both want to - rather than it is expected or default. That she doesn't feel she is obligated to do anything or at least not obligated to see you. She is probably now dealing with guilt about having to hurt you by breaking things off or having a tough conversation. Add that to the list of stressors.

 

It is sort of unfair in my book that she introduces you as "boyfriend". But then again, "the guy I am dating" or "lover" doesn't really work well either. "Friend" just sounds so platonic.

 

You kind of missed some red flags in her profile and honestly, when we get into our 40's, we're not really likely to all of a sudden change our minds about what we want.

[Kernal]

To me there wouldn't be much point in this relationship if it didn't eventually pan out into something more. I do want more eventually

 

I don't want to be a fill gap until something better comes along ya know.

 

 

Yep. Agree completely. And she knows there is an expectations conversation that needs to happen.

 

So I guess what I would say is aside from figuring out how to act, you need to figure out if you are okay and able to be in a casual dating relationship with this woman rather than a real relationship. If not, you probably need to cut bait as she's just not there with you.

 

Mrin

[Gaeta]

A little background on me.. I met her 2 months after separating from my wife. the divorce will just be final on the 8th of April..

 

So I wasn't looking for a whirlwind romance/remarriage right away..

 

But I have invested alot in her. I do want more than just casual at some point.. But if it stays casual for say another few months thats ok.. She's fulfilling my needs at the moment.

 

But soon I would like more.

Here's the thing, when she is ready to invest herself again, doesn't mean it will be with you.

 

As for you I am not even going into the fact that you left your ex-wife 2 months ago but you met this woman 4 months ago......?

[Kernal]

Actually a funny thing happened this weekend..

 

Her, Myself and her sister were in the trailer at the Renaissance Fair camp and a lady that knew them both from years ago walked in.. She started talking to my girl and was telling her that a guy she knew from way back (That wasnt there) really liked her and would like to take her out.. She pointed at me and said "Ummm I presently dating him and he is RIGHT there" the lady said "This is awkward" and left

 

My girl apologized and said she couldn't even remember that guy..

[GemmaUK]

A little background on me.. I met her 2 months after separating from my wife. the divorce will just be final on the 8th of April..

 

So I wasn't looking for a whirlwind romance/remarriage right away..

 

But I have invested alot in her. I do want more than just casual at some point.. But if it stays casual for say another few months thats ok.. She's fulfilling my needs at the moment.

 

But soon I would like more.

 

So, it started out as casual and those were the terms pretty much. This explains no 'I love you's' also. She was cool with that. You had only a few weeks before separated.

You're changing the goal posts and pretty quickly after your separation.

[Kernal]

Nonono..

 

My ex wife and I separated in June and I met my new girl in September.

 

No cheating going on here LOL

 

 

Here's the thing, when she is ready to invest herself again, doesn't mean it will be with you.

 

As for you I am not even going into the fact that you left your ex-wife 2 months ago but you met this woman 4 months ago......?