Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Ya know.. that expectation conversation is going to be scary because I might not like what I'm going to hear. It might be coming sooner than later.. But on the flip side she has talked about the future.. Nothing definite but made plans with me through the summer (like Jazz Fest at the end of April in New Orleans) (We live in texas) which leads me to believe she's not planning on ending our relationship.. i just dont know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 By changing the goal posts do you mean she might have been under the impression because I was newly separated I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time either? That might be true but I have fallen in love with her. So, it started out as casual and those were the terms pretty much. This explains no 'I love you's' also. She was cool with that. You had only a few weeks before separated. You're changing the goal posts and pretty quickly after your separation. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Ya know.. that expectation conversation is going to be scary because I might not like what I'm going to hear. It might be coming sooner than later.. But on the flip side she has talked about the future.. Nothing definite but made plans with me through the summer (like Jazz Fest at the end of April in New Orleans) (We live in texas) which leads me to believe she's not planning on ending our relationship.. i just dont know. So just relax and respect that she needs some more space just now as it's all piling up on her. Don't tell her you love her. Once her situation and the situation with you calms down see how it pans out naturally. Someone else posted I agree that I really respect someone who respects me so listens and is happy to find a happy balance for both in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 By changing the goal posts do you mean she might have been under the impression because I was newly separated I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time either? That might be true but I have fallen in love with her. Ya, dude. This is a hard spot to be in. I mean, let's play this out. You have fallen in love with her. She hasn't fallen in love with you. Maybe she doesn't want to fall in love with you or maybe she is like her profile says, doesn't want to fall in love at all. So what would you do if you were her? a) continue to lead you on and have you fall deeper in love with her b) try to cut it back to "casual" which is what it sorta sounds like she doing - downside is that you have fallen for her so that is probably unfulfilling to you and will manifest itself in unproductive ways or c) break it off - that's a long hard conversation and probably something she kinda doesn't want to do. I mean if you were her, your reaction would probably be "dammit, we had a good thing going but he had to fall for me and now what was something that brought happiness to my life is now a source of stress". And you can't make her fall in love with you. Just can't. Not sure what to tell you. You could try to play this out more but is this relationship as it stood (not stands) what is really going to make you happy? The Right thing to do would be to have a long talk and bare your feelings and be prepared for her to stomp all over your heart. But hey, at least you were upfront and honest. The Dude thing to do would be to "fake it" and try to live with a casual dating connection to this woman. If i were going to do the Dude move, I would start keeping an eye out for someone who is going to be able to give me what I want. Okay, I think I've said all I can on this. Best of luck man, I hope you find happiness! Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Thank you Mrin.. I would say being cautious about relationships means to take things slow.. thats what she said when we started out.. We need to get to know each other.. How well do you know each other in 6 months.. Pretty good but not a whole lot right? Ya, dude. This is a hard spot to be in. I mean, let's play this out. You have fallen in love with her. She hasn't fallen in love with you. Maybe she doesn't want to fall in love with you or maybe she is like her profile says, doesn't want to fall in love at all. So what would you do if you were her? a) continue to lead you on and have you fall deeper in love with her b) try to cut it back to "casual" which is what it sorta sounds like she doing - downside is that you have fallen for her so that is probably unfulfilling to you and will manifest itself in unproductive ways or c) break it off - that's a long hard conversation and probably something she kinda doesn't want to do. I mean if you were her, your reaction would probably be "dammit, we had a good thing going but he had to fall for me and now what was something that brought happiness to my life is now a source of stress". And you can't make her fall in love with you. Just can't. Not sure what to tell you. You could try to play this out more but is this relationship as it stood (not stands) what is really going to make you happy? The Right thing to do would be to have a long talk and bear your feelings and be prepared for her to stomp all over your heart. But hey, at least you were upfront and honest. The Dude thing to do would be to "fake it" and try to live with a casual dating connection to this woman. If i were going to do the Dude move, I would start keeping an eye out for someone who is going to be able to give you what you want. Okay, I think I've said all I can on this. Best of luck man, I hope you find happiness! Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 By changing the goal posts do you mean she might have been under the impression because I was newly separated I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time either? Absolutely! Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Another reason she might be taking things slow is the fact that you are still married. I know April 8 is just a week away, but many posters have gotten the advice to not take a relationship with a married man/woman too seriously until the divorce is officially final. Some separated people are too optimistic about how soon the divorce will be complete. It does not appear to be the case here since you have a date certain. There are also plenty of other indications she wants/needs to take it slow, but the official divorce papers might open the door to being able to see something more serious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) Yes.. And the kicker is I married my ex twice.. i took her back once before after we were divorced and remarried her. The second marriage only lasted 14 months. Maybe that was on her mind.. She did tell me that once when we first got together. Ugh Another reason she might be taking things slow is the fact that you are still married. I know April 8 is just a week away, but many posters have gotten the advice to not take a relationship with a married man/woman too seriously until the divorce is officially final. Some separated people are too optimistic about how soon the divorce will be complete. It does not appear to be the case here since you have a date certain. There are also plenty of other indications she wants/needs to take it slow, but the official divorce papers might open the door to being able to see something more serious. Edited March 31, 2014 by Kernal Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Well, She is off work.. I hate to say this but Im going to be hanging by my phone hoping she'll text me tonight.. I texted her good morning and she replied back.. I know better than to do this but I am praying she does. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Well, She is off work.. I hate to say this but Im going to be hanging by my phone hoping she'll text me tonight.. I texted her good morning and she replied back.. I know better than to do this but I am praying she does. Get busy! go to the gym, vacuum your car, catch an early show at the movies, something! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Yes. I just need to keep my mind off of it.. If I don't hear from her I'll just text her goodnight.. I don't feel we are at NC yet.. Hopefully never Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 But on the flip side she has talked about the future.. Nothing definite but made plans with me through the summer (like Jazz Fest at the end of April in New Orleans) (We live in texas) which leads me to believe she's not planning on ending our relationship.. i just dont know. There's other options though. She may not want to end your relationship, but also may want to keep those firm boundaries in place to keep it more casual. She may have NO interest in staying over every night, moving in together, marriage, or blending your lives more. You need to find that out before you become more invested. There's no point in continuing if you have completely different goals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 Hi thank you.. Last night I broke down and texted her at 8.. Asked how her day was.. We texted back and forth maybe 15 mins.. I made sure to end it quickly.. She was very friendly.. Answered quickly.. Anyways. I've been giving thought to how to handle this weekend. A few here suggested I not suggest plans and allow her to bring them up.. Well, to me that's like a game. I'm usually the one who makes the plans so that would be odd. How about on Thursday I call her and say that I've been thinking about our conversation on Sunday and it would be no problem if she took the weekend to herself to catch up or destress or whatever.. If she declines and wants to see me than great! That would let her know I listen to what she was saying and respect her wishes... What do ya'll think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 because that makes me seem clingy and desperate right Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I forgot to say one more thing.. She told me last week in a text.. I texted her "I always sleep better when I'm with you" She said "Im not ready to get that serious yet" I said "thats not what I meant.. I was just saying im relaxed when Im with you" Then she said "I am way more laid back about things than you" She must have perceived the sleeping comment as wanting to up our relationship It just all sounds like it's too intense for her. Maybe she's an introvert and needs to wind down without others present. Also, she's spending all her weekends with you - that's a lot! I couldn't sustain that kind of relationship for long as I'd need to mentally switch off sometimes. She's stressed at work too. Quite honestly, I'm surprised she's kept this up. She may well love you but if you don't back off a bit and stop putting the pressure on her to spend more and more time with you, she will opt out. She may still be feeling unsure and pressure is a sure way to get someone to back out even if you are both great together. I think you want a much more intense relationship than she does at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 because that makes me seem clingy and desperate right Right. And the most unattractive thing to a woman is a man that is chasing, clingy and desperate. Let her put the effort in as well. And just because you make all the plans, it doesn't mean that you have to keep doing it, especially when you are doing it because you are insecure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 Well, I went out tonight with a friend to have a beer and texted her to see if she wanted to join us.. She texted back no thank you she just got home and was going to go on a walk.. Oh well.. I figured it was rude to go there and not invite her. I knew if she went out I would have appreciated an invite. But she did text me Goodnight Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Well, I went out tonight with a friend to have a beer and texted her to see if she wanted to join us.. She texted back no thank you she just got home and was going to go on a walk.. Oh well.. I figured it was rude to go there and not invite her. I knew if she went out I would have appreciated an invite. But she did text me Goodnight Oh dear! Sorry OP but considering all that has been going on you're not really listening nor being considerate of what she has been saying to you. Either that or you expected her to say no and it was a bit of a manipulative move so that you would have 'proof' to tell your friend about. Are you hoping she would /will feel guilty for saying 'no thanks'? Please don't go back to her saying 'even my friend Bob thinks.....' Each of you are entitled to see your friends without 'having' to invite the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 Thanks GemmaUK, Well I guess I just wanted to kinda test the waters.. Its actually only been since Sunday she told me all these things so time really hasn't tested if she is following through with our discussion. I'm going to let it be today and Thursday evening I will give her a call on the phone and tell her I would totally understand if she needs to take time this weekend to catch up around the house and have her time to herself.. I actual have a few things to do myself. Like I said.. I want to give her an "out" without awkwardness and I want to be clear myself that she wants this time and not just confused why I didn't arrange anything.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 Been thinking and I might even be overreacting to everything.. Basically in a nutshell: -she's been complaining about her job being stressful for three weeks.. Said she just wants to zone after work.. -told me Sunday she needs to paint her garage one weekend. -told me she doesn't sleep well in my bed because her makeup and clothes arnt there.. She sleeps better in her bed. - said she knows I want to spend more time with her. She has not told me she needs more space. She hasn't asked me to limit our communication.. I think I might be over reacting and taking her to figuratively instead of literally. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Ever think you two just aren't compatible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 I feel we are. We get along great and we have great conversation. Lots in common Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I feel we are. We get along great and we have great conversation. Lots in common YOU feeling it doesn't mean she is ! That text about not being ready when you simply made a comment about enjoying sleeping next to her says it all. You are not listening. She doesn't want to break up with you, she does enjoy your company, but not too much of it, she is not ready to invest herself beyond *dating*. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Love when ppl on here ask for advice and then completely ignore the stuff that 20 different people offer lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 So I have two options... Continue to invest in her hoping she will fall in love or cut my losses. I've been fairly happy so far with her in my life but more and more I desire more.. Hoping I can win her love. Hoping she'll invest more and more in me as time goes by.. Six months isn't really that long. Link to post Share on other sites
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