Need your insight about Girlfriend

[Gaeta]

-she's been complaining about her job being stressful for three weeks.. Said she just wants to zone after work..

You only see her ONCE per 2 weeks on weekdays, and that ONE day you are suppose to see her she comes up with that excuse. Doesn't she have 9 other weekdays to zone out in front of the tv? It's not about zoning out, it's about not being in the mood to see you.

 

 

-told me Sunday she needs to paint her garage one weekend.

and? Any lady here would want to paint their garage on their own instead of having their bf's help?

 

 

-told me she doesn't sleep well in my bed because her makeup and clothes arnt there.. She sleeps better in her bed.

and she is not bringing her make up and clothes with her because?

 

 

- said she knows I want to spend more time with her.

where's the but?.....She knows you want to spend more time with her but she doesn't....

 

She has not told me she needs more space. She hasn't asked me to limit our communication..

No but what are actions speaking of?

 

I think I might be over reacting and taking her to figuratively instead of literally.

I think you should trust your instinct. Edited April 2, 2014 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

So I have two options... Continue to invest in her hoping she will fall in love or cut my losses.

 

I've been fairly happy so far with her in my life but more and more I desire more.. Hoping I can win her love. Hoping she'll invest more and more in me as time goes by..

 

Six months isn't really that long.

Now you are justifying her actions. After 6 months if it's not there, it won't be in another 6 months, she's not feeling you the way you feel her.

 

6 months is the make-it or break-it mark. Why the heck would you want to invest more than 6 months in someone that is not reciprocating your feelings? Well, I know why, I have done it myself in the past, I have given this man 1 full year in the hope he'd finally jump both feet in a relationship with me, it did not happen.

[Kernal]

Thank you. I figured someone would feel that. I do appreciate all the advice..

 

My thing is not contacting her just to me feels like playing games. Why not just communicate?

 

I do agree she's not ready to get any more serious and that's fine.. I'm not ready to like move in with her or anything yet either after only six months...

 

My main concern was she's going to leave me.

 

I think she feels guilt that she keeps me at this distance.. I need to communicate to her she's worth waiting for.

 

 

 

Love when ppl on here ask for advice and then completely ignore the stuff that 20 different people offer lol

[Gaeta]

... I need to communicate to her she's worth waiting for.

Here's my prediction. You go ahead and do that....and she's gone. She cannot handle *I sleep better next to you* how do you think she will handle *I will wait for you to fall for me*?

[Kernal]

Well I actually meant communicate about giver her some space and time to catch up with her housework.. Maybe sort things through..

 

Maybe the your worth waiting for is a bad idea..

 

 

Like I said she has given me every free day in her weekends for six months..

 

Here's my prediction. You go ahead

and do that....and she's gone. She cannot handle *I sleep better next to you* how do you think she will handle *I will wait for you to fall for me*?

[HappyLove]

"My main concern was she's going to leave me. "

 

This says it all right here! Are you worried no one else will want you? You're taking bread crumbs right now. You think a 15 minute text after dating someone for 6 months is some type of prize. You want a woman that when you call her up to meet for drinks she jumps at the chance not tell you 'no honey I rather watch my nails grow but thanks'. Why are you settling for less?

[Gaeta]

 

Like I said she has given me every free day in her weekends for six months..

 

I hate to be the devil's advocate but, if it was dandy to spend her free weekends with you for 6 months, why it's not anymore?

 

I like having time to myself, I understand that, but it's not going to take me 6 months to tell my boyfriend. People that need <me time> don't go without it for 6 months, they will suffocate way before that.

[Kernal]

well basically all she said was she just needed to get a few things done around the house lighpainting the inside of her garage.

 

I guess I could take it two ways. She's being totally honest and just needs a little time to do that. Or I could take it figuratively and this is the first of many excuses to avoid spending time with me. Only time will tell.

 

 

 

I hate to be the devil's advocate but, if it was dandy to spend her free weekends with you for 6 months, why it's not anymore?

 

I like having time to myself, I understand that, but it's not going to take me 6 months to tell my boyfriend. People that need <me time> don't go without it for 6 months, they will suffocate way before that.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Kernal

[pteromom]

You need to quit letting LSers analyze her actions, and instead have a conversation with HER. What does she want? What does she feel? What is her goal? What is her timeline for moving forward (if she wants to move forward.)

 

You are getting varied opinions here because we all answer based on our own perspective. But none of us know her.

 

TALK to her!

[Kernal]

Thank you thank thank you.. I just wanted to talk to her and I did.

 

She texted me at 5 asking about the Ft. Hood shootings..

 

I called and I just off the phone with her and we had a great hour long conversation. About the day.. About my evening out last night with my friend.. About the shooting at Ft Hood..

 

No I didn't bring up the issues from last weekend.. I didnt bring up plans for this weekend..

 

I could tell she seemed extra nice. Extra friendly and into our conversation. Maybe even sense some relief to be talking to me.. Im not sure.

 

I mentioned the Game of Thrones premier on Sunday as we have been avid fans.. She said we are going to throw a party.. LOL

 

SO anyways.. Im not going to make plans with her for this weekend to get together.. I'll let her make those plans.. I still think she might need her space to catch up on her stuff..

 

Right now I feel pretty good about US.

 

Yes.. Im still the weekend casual relationship boyfriend.. That still might end up being an issue..

 

I guess I'll see how the weekend goes.

Edited April 3, 2014 by Kernal

[Mrin]

Dude I am really happy for you. How much lighter do you weigh?

[GemmaUK]

Yes.. Im still the weekend casual relationship boyfriend.. That still might end up being an issue..

 

 

She has told you and recently that she is stressed from work and needs some time to catch up on things. That doesn't seem to be sinking in with you at all.

Things like that aren't going to suddenly change over a very few days.

 

She called. If she didn't want anything to do with you she wouldn't call.

 

An issue at the weekend?

You did say that you were happy with that for now but would want more in the future. Did you mean a few 'months' later or a few 'days' later?

 

Why not enjoy what you have, build on that but relax? You can't control someone else's feelings just because yours have escalated.

 

You did both get into this as a casual relationship

[DKT3]

Back off, let her come to you.

 

You are too available, you run the risk of being seen as needy. It may seem like playing games, but nothing peaks a womans interest like wondering why you haven't tried to communicate with her in two days.

 

Read her actions and stop wasting time trying to interpet her words.

 

What I get from what your writing is she is telling you "slow down, I'm not comfortable"

[Kernal]

Thank you Gemma

 

of course the issues and priorities in her life haven't changed in 3 days. She's still going to want to take the time to work on her house and maybe take some me time for herself.

 

I'm a bit optimistic because we talked and she seemed fine but I would be foolish to not take into consideration what she is told me.

[Kernal]

Absolutely. Even though we don't spend a lot of physical time together except on the weekends obviously her perception is emotionally I am moving too fast.

 

as far as being too available I agree. But what makes it hard as I only see her on the weekends so to give up that would be difficult but might be necessary

 

 

Back off, let her come to you.

 

You are too available, you run the risk of being seen as needy. It may seem like playing games, but nothing peaks a womans interest like wondering why you haven't tried to communicate with her in two days.

 

Read her actions and stop wasting time trying to interpet her words.

 

What I get from what your writing is she is telling you "slow down, I'm not comfortable"

[DKT3]

Absolutely. Even though we don't spend a lot of physical time together except on the weekends obviously her perception is emotionally I am moving too fast.

 

as far as being too available I agree. But what makes it hard as I only see her on the weekends so to give up that would be difficult but might be necessary

I'm not suggesting you "give up" your weekend time with her. Simply cool it on the chasing. She gets it, you want her. Now allow her to chase you abit. Sit back and let her drive the boat see were it takes you. Go a week only responding to her. If she allows the week to past, then maybe its time to think of other options. My guess is she will respond in the way you would like. If she is feeling tons of pressure at work then doing this will allow her to come to you or her terms and she won't feel pressure in the relationship as well as at work. Its Thursday, make it no talk/text Thursday, unless its in response.

 

She is dropping hints and your not getting them, ie "I'm more laid back then you" she is telling you to chill out, "I need to do things around the house" ie give me some space. She likes you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings but just coming out and saying it. Just being divorced, I'm guessing your rusty. You can't make it happen, let it happen.

[Kernal]

Thank you. We had a nice hour long telephone conversation last night. I think that was enough for the present.

 

I think I'll follow your advice today. No texting/calls unless she initiates.

[Kernal]

Someone asked me earlier what my instincts are telling me...

 

My girlfriend last was in a relationship two years ago.. During that time she worked hard.. Had her weekends free to spend time with her sister and relax at home.

 

She has told me many times her house is always a mess.. She is falling behind on projects.. I told her it was fine to do her own thing but she instead gave her days off to me.. Except maybe for half a day each weekend.

 

I think she is missing the freedom of free weekends a bit and now she is feeling she needs to insist she have some of that time back to catch up..

 

I'm totally willing to give her space to do this. It's reasonable to me.

 

As far as the casual vice serious relationship.. She's just keeping us at her comfort level.

 

I doubt our nice telephone conversation last night really meant anything other than she's not ignoring me. But who knows.. Maybe it does..

 

Like DKT3 said.. I need to let it happen. Not make it happen.

 

 

That's my gut feelings.

Edited April 3, 2014 by Kernal

[clia]

I can so totally relate to your girlfriend. When I met my fiance, it was a whirlwind. We spent every weekend together, all weekend. At first it was great. I adored him. I wanted to be with him. Then, right at around the six month mark (or thereabouts), I started to feel like I had been neglecting my life, and things felt suffocating. I wasn't seeing my friends as much (because I was with him all the time), I wasn't exercising as much on the weekends (because I was with him), I wasn't keeping up on my errands and cleaning and laundry (because I was with him). I didn't feel like myself. I didn't feel like I was getting the necessary alone time I was so used to getting.

 

I went through a period of wanting to pull back. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him or didn't love him -- it was that I wanted some space without having to keep telling him I wanted space. I wanted him to "go away" a little bit. I wanted a Friday or Saturday night here and there, or a Saturday afternoon here and there to do my own thing. He eventually caught on (after a few talks!), and I got my space. In hindsight, I've realized that it was just really overwhelming for me as an introvert to get used to being around someone so much. After getting some space and getting used to the idea of him being around all the time, I slowly gravitated back to spending a lot of time with him. Now it doesn't bother me at all. I can easily be with him 24x7.

 

Just give her some space. This doesn't mean you don't see her all weekend or have to give up your whole weekend. Just proactively give her a day on the weekend to do her own thing. Make plans with your own friends or family to do something on a Saturday or Sunday or Friday night. (Don't you miss your own friends?) Give her a night off so she can lounge around and do her laundry and clean up. The worst thing you can do right now is to try to pull her closer. Let her set the pace. Let her miss you, so she can realize how much she does want to spend all weekend with you.

[Kernal]

Clia

 

Thank you. That does give me optimism..

 

I hope that's the case with her..

 

( This happened the weekend before last) . Thing is two weekends in a row I worked Saturday.. She chose to not see me Friday nights and hang out with her sister.. Saturday afternoon she spent it shopping with her sister. Then she came over Saturday at about 6 pm after I got off work and stayed with me till Sunday at about 1 pm.

 

Again this was for two weeks in a row. So we were together for less than 24 hours. So she has had a bit of space.

[Kernal]

I am finding myself just trying to guess what she's thinking too much.. It's obviously driving me crazy lol.

 

I think I just need to ask her flat out the next time we are together what she meant by telling me about not sleeping well in my bed and needing to catch up on her house work.

 

Does she just want us to start staying at her house on our sleepover nights or is she not wanting to sleep together anymore..

 

Does she want to have more space away from me or does she just really need to catch up..

 

Communicate. Cut to the chase.

 

I can so totally relate to your girlfriend. When I met my fiance, it was a whirlwind. We spent every weekend together, all weekend. At first it was great. I adored him. I wanted to be with him. Then, right at around the six month mark (or thereabouts), I started to feel like I had been neglecting my life, and things felt suffocating. I wasn't seeing my friends as much (because I was with him all the time), I wasn't exercising as much on the weekends (because I was with him), I wasn't keeping up on my errands and cleaning and laundry (because I was with him). I didn't feel like myself. I didn't feel like I was getting the necessary alone time I was so used to getting.

 

I went through a period of wanting to pull back. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him or didn't love him -- it was that I wanted some space without having to keep telling him I wanted space. I wanted him to "go away" a little bit. I wanted a Friday or Saturday night here and there, or a Saturday afternoon here and there to do my own thing. He eventually caught on (after a few talks!), and I got my space. In hindsight, I've realized that it was just really overwhelming for me as an introvert to get used to being around someone so much. After getting some space and getting used to the idea of him being around all the time, I slowly gravitated back to spending a lot of time with him. Now it doesn't bother me at all. I can easily be with him 24x7.

 

Just give her some space. This doesn't mean you don't see her all weekend or have to give up your whole weekend. Just proactively give her a day on the weekend to do her own thing. Make plans with your own friends or family to do something on a Saturday or Sunday or Friday night. (Don't you miss your own friends?) Give her a night off so she can lounge around and do her laundry and clean up. The worst thing you can do right now is to try to pull her closer. Let her set the pace. Let her miss you, so she can realize how much she does want to spend all weekend with you.

Edited April 3, 2014 by Kernal

[pteromom]

I am finding myself just trying to guess what she's thinking too much.. It's obviously driving me crazy lol.

 

When you aren't sure what she means by something, ask for clarification RIGHT THEN. That way you don't have to analyze and worry about it.

 

You can't guess what she's thinking. Just relax and accept who she is. Believe that if there's something she needs, she's a grownup and can tell you. And you do the same - speak up for what you want in your relationship, so you can discuss and negotiate.

[clia]

I am finding myself just trying to guess what she's thinking too much.. It's obviously driving me crazy lol.

 

I think I just need to ask her flat out the next time we are together what she meant by telling me about not sleeping well in my bed and needing to catch up on her house work.

 

Does she just want us to start staying at her house on our sleepover nights or is she not wanting to sleep together anymore..

 

Does she want to have more space away from me or does she just really need to catch up..

 

Communicate. Cut to the chase.

 

I agree that communication is important, but overanalyzing everything can also get really annoying and ultimately drive a person away.

 

Is there some reason why you can't take statements such as "I don't sleep well in your bed" or "I need to catch up on my housework" at face value? Sometimes there isn't any underlying meaning. Don't start grilling her about every single thing she says.

 

Ultimately, you are feeling insecure in the relationship so that is why you are overanalyzing all of this so much. If you want to have a conversation about where things stand, then do that, once. But don't have the same conversation over and over again under different guises.

[Gaeta]

 

She told me last week in a text..

 

I texted her "I always sleep better when I'm with you"

 

She said "Im not ready to get that serious yet"

 

I said "thats not what I meant.. I was just saying im relaxed when Im with you"

 

 

Then she said "I am way more laid back about things than you"

 

 

This is what you need to clarify with her. Wanting to paint her garage on her own, wanting to go out with her sister, that means nothing......................this does !

 

She is not ready to be THAT serious ------ Need explanation

I am WAY MORE laid back about things than you--------Need explanation.

[GemmaUK]

I am finding myself just trying to guess what she's thinking too much.. It's obviously driving me crazy lol.

 

I think I just need to ask her flat out the next time we are together what she meant by telling me about not sleeping well in my bed and needing to catch up on her house work.

 

Does she just want us to start staying at her house on our sleepover nights or is she not wanting to sleep together anymore..

 

Does she want to have more space away from me or does she just really need to catch up..

 

Communicate. Cut to the chase.

 

Right....I have just worked a day from 8.45am to 945pm with no lunch break....my actual hours are 9am -5.30pm.

This week I haven't left before 6.30pm.

 

 

Sooo...she sounds very like me.

 

Honestly, ad I not seen what you said in the reply I quoted I wouldn'thave posted as I am....exhausted! Properly exhausted! I can barely see what I am typing...no joke.

 

I am going to break down your post...I may well cock up a quote thingy...will do my best not to.

 

I think I just need to ask her flat out the next time we are together what she meant by telling me about not sleeping well in my bed and needing to catch up on her house work.

 

Don't do this!! Not right now!

I never sleep with a partner as well as I sleep alone. I am a light sleeper.

Plus if I have work stress or anything else then it takes me ages to fall asleep...hours.....

 

Housework...over the time you have been dating you did say that there were nightly phone calls.

I want to ask..

Do you have the same size space to look after and the same amount of time in the day to care for it.

Also, how much time do you spend on personal grooming..eg..de-fuzzing, painting nails and toenails, doing your hair, make up, hair, face any body treatments?

^^^^those are all of the things a man expects of a woman as the norm.

 

Does she just want us to start staying at her house on our sleepover nights or is she not wanting to sleep together anymore..

Have you ever asked to stay at hers?

Did she say no?

It might be because it's a mess as she hasn't had any time to herself to sort it since you have been dating....

Us busy women get home sometimes and ignore the mess..we are too darn tired! We would rather talk to the guy we are dating than do the housework. Except....we are seeing him at the weekend so it won't get done then either....vicious circle..see it?

 

Does she want to have more space away from me or does she just really need to catch up..

 

See my comment above.

 

Communicate. Cut to the chase.

 

I am.

My last guy..he was controlling..way worse and way more needy than you are being (really sorry if that sounds bad..but I need to say it to get over to you what I mean). Go see this thread if you want more info. Reda my posts.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/467936-question-women-who-ve-been-abusive-relationships

 

She wants to talk to you..she wants you around.

Take it a day at a time.

For some women it really is just like that (especially ones who are independent)

We love space, we love when a guy is a bit of a mystery. Learn how to be!

We love it!!!!

 

If it is all on the plate it's not fun.

Make it more fun.

Let her chase you too.

It's not a head game it's the DATING/COURTING game (sorry for shouting!)

 

 

For the record...I think she likes you a lot.

But...she is having a tough time, has expressed it..don't do a talk...instead get involved with your own life...she will come...she hasn't gone..she just honestly needs a break and you are the only thing in her life she can honestly ask that of.