Popsicle Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Have you had a D-Day? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 A friend of mine told me a story of how she was involved with a MM (she was single) and she put up with him until something happened that hit her like a rock. He came to visit her one day and it was some holiday and she went to his car to get some flowers from him that he had bought for her and he handed her some yellow roses (or maybe it was white, can't remember). Then she looked in the backseat of his car and saw that he had some red roses for his wife. That was when she was done. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Quaker, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I think you will know when enough is enough. I too struggled back and forth for a long time, with lots of disappointments along the way, before pulling the plug. It's harder in a long distance A (mine was too). If it helps at all, I don't for a second believe that he doesn't care about you. That is nonsense. He would not be in a long-distance A with you if he didn't care. It's not easy for either person involved. I too struggled with the "why can't you respect me enough to take five seconds out and send me a text?" Truth was, part of this is just a Man Thing. Most men just don't think this way and they have to be smacked upside the head (figuratively) when they act like this. My ex-MM was usually good about it, but not always. He didn't know you had serious news for him. I'm not trying to defend him or change your mind - just looking at it from another light. I disagree with the poster who said that it's ridiculous or a "bunch of baloney" that people in their 40's would not talk to their parents for advice about life events. I do it all the time, and know many others who do as well. So I would not necessarily see that as a lie (besides, who would make up a lie like that?) That said, the hardest thing about these A's - especially long distance - is knowing you can't call when you need to, that the person you love is not available unconditionally for you, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 I know the purpose of NC is to move you forward. Still, I'm new to this and I'd like to vent and hear the experiences of others. I posted more of my story yesterday, see my thread "I think I'm done." Basically, I had an emotional shift after waiting during the night for exMM to call me. Feeling so lonely and pathetic...coupled with the many other demoralizing events that go with being an OW to a MM. I blocked his phone numbers. I blocked him on my email chat and had his emails sent to spam. I guess he tried to call me around 11 last night. Makes sense...after the fake family dinner he often fabricates an excuse to venture out and from his car he calls me. He received the Verizon message that his number was blocked. In response, just after midnight, he sent me an email from YET ANOTHER email address; he has many. He didn't beg to talk to me. He didn't wonder why. He simply said he knew I blocked him and I could email him at this address if I ever wanted to talk. That's it. Of course I feel conflicted, as I knew I would. I know I NEED him out of my life. After two years, he exhausted my hope of our relationship going anywhere he'd promised it would. I suppose I had hoped he'd try...that this would threaten him and serve as some sort of catalyst. But, intellectually, I knew this wouldn't happen. I just keep repeating, it is for the best, it is for the best, it is for the best. Another part of me is so deeply sad that this man with whom I was so intimate...the only man I've been with since my own divorce four years ago...will likely be reinvesting himself in his marriage now that he doesn't feel any conflict of his own. Selfishly, this makes me sad to think that instead of grieving, he may be increasing his efforts in his marriage. And yes, it does burn me to know that there was never a D-day, his wife will never know. None of this should matter to me if I'm truly moving on. For those of you in NC who are doing it to move on...I found a good self-hypnosis online by Robert Gorick for getting over a broken heart. He does a good job at focusing on the future. This is something I need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 A friend of mine told me a story of how she was involved with a MM (she was single) and she put up with him until something happened that hit her like a rock. He came to visit her one day and it was some holiday and she went to his car to get some flowers from him that he had bought for her and he handed her some yellow roses (or maybe it was white, can't remember). Then she looked in the backseat of his car and saw that he had some red roses for his wife. That was when she was done. Popsicle, this is sad. Whats even more sad is I could see this happening in my situation. One time when the exMM and I were away together, he went shopping for his W while I was napping. I'll never get over that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Popsicle, this is sad. Whats even more sad is I could see this happening in my situation. One time when the exMM and I were away together, he went shopping for his W while I was napping. I'll never get over that. I think that's a sign they are getting too comfortable believing you'll always be around no matter what. Mines once knew I was going to see a movie, then asked me to let him know how it was because his BS wanted to see that same movie.. Let's just say I told him I did NOT appreciate that at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Popsicle, this is sad. Whats even more sad is I could see this happening in my situation. One time when the exMM and I were away together, he went shopping for his W while I was napping. I'll never get over that. Boy, that is a hard one to swallow, Quaker, and I feel for you. (How'd you know he was shopping for his wife, btw?) Maybe this is one of the experiences you should keep somewhat close for moments when you're feeling pulled by sadness or the idea of reaching out. 2 things that helped me enormously in moving away from the emotional standpoint, more towards the logical view of a very brief EA I was involved in, was 1) focusing on the idea that I was asked (quite subtly, btw) to change my email username (so as not to be easily recognized on his home computer), and being told that my name was fictitious in his phone, which he not only thought was clever, but somewhat humorous. It made me sick and incredibly angry that he didn't "get" how much that humiliated me. (We were friends in high school long ago.) The 2nd thing was marking off the days of NC on a calendar that I looked at everyday. Each day crossed off gave me renewed strength to stay NC, and brought back my own empowerment. Before long, I was forgetting to cross the days off, little by little, and I rarely look at that calendar now. Sounds silly, but it helped me to visually see my strength grow. That EA was months and months ago, and I have no interest in what he's doing now. Maybe it could help you too. All the best! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Mines once knew I was going to see a movie, then asked me to let him know how it was because his BS wanted to see that same movie.. This happened to me too except the movie was "Magic Mike" so we just laughed about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Boy, that is a hard one to swallow, Quaker, and I feel for you. (How'd you know he was shopping for his wife, btw?) Maybe this is one of the experiences you should keep somewhat close for moments when you're feeling pulled by sadness or the idea of reaching out. 2 things that helped me enormously in moving away from the emotional standpoint, more towards the logical view of a very brief EA I was involved in, was 1) focusing on the idea that I was asked (quite subtly, btw) to change my email username (so as not to be easily recognized on his home computer), and being told that my name was fictitious in his phone, which he not only thought was clever, but somewhat humorous. It made me sick and incredibly angry that he didn't "get" how much that humiliated me. (We were friends in high school long ago.) The 2nd thing was marking off the days of NC on a calendar that I looked at everyday. Each day crossed off gave me renewed strength to stay NC, and brought back my own empowerment. Before long, I was forgetting to cross the days off, little by little, and I rarely look at that calendar now. Sounds silly, but it helped me to visually see my strength grow. That EA was months and months ago, and I have no interest in what he's doing now. Maybe it could help you too. All the best! I knew he'd been shopping for her because he had a bag with a woman's running shirt and a baseball cap for his son. He told me it was for her. Awful. Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I knew he'd been shopping for her because he had a bag with a woman's running shirt and a baseball cap for his son. He told me it was for her. Awful. I can understand why that would feel awful for you. I wish I knew what to say in light of that, but I don't. It's just the nature of the beast... affairs. I could fault him for being insensitive, but since it's just a tiny symptom of the 'elephant in the room', it seems like a moot point... the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. I do hope you'll let memories like that strengthen your resolve to move forward, not because you HAVE to, as in "This is so awful and painful, but I'll let go because I have no choice", but instead because you're READY, as in "This relationship doesn't come close to meeting the standards of what I've envisioned for myself and for my life, therefore I'm making the choice to become emotionally available for the one that will. P.E.R.S.P.E.C.T.I.V.E. It always sounds so cliche', but you know you deserve so much better! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 Been NC for less than a week. ExMM emailed me again from some random email last night. Just some drama about his brother. And lots of I love you stuff. Exhausted and without judgment, I emailed back. It wasn't friendly, in fact it was bordering on rude...regardless...he got me to respond. He knows his foot is in the door. I just told him he should address his family issues with his wife, and that his ILY's mean squat because of his lying. I'm like an addict with this stuff. It sucks. I wish they had a 90 day inpatient program on the coast of Malibu to get over relationship addiction...that was covered by insurance! Ha. Seriously though...I feel like I'd need to be on a remote, communication free island to really succeed at this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 Yes how can you want to end something so badly and still have such pain. It never stops amazing my why I want to inflict pain on myself like this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 One day at at time ... take care of YOU. Get to the gym, start getting out and using all those hours you wasted waiting. Forgive yourself, you made a mistake .. we all make mistakes. I haven't seen mine in 3 years ... and he still tries. I have blocked him from my life ... I cannot even be friends with the man, and how he tried again ... there is no remedy for this except what you do about YOU. He made his choice .. and he needs to live with that. That's life .. we all make decisions, and you can decide enough of eroding my dignity as a person. They want it cheap, so they don't have to do the hard work of examining their own lives and taking concrete steps to make it better. Realize you are better than he is ... and move it forward. xo Link to post Share on other sites
Patna Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I'm like an addict with this stuff. It sucks. I wish they had a 90 day inpatient program on the coast of Malibu to get over relationship addiction...that was covered by insurance! Ha. Seriously though...I feel like I'd need to be on a remote, communication free island to really succeed at this. This is so funny! And i would need to check in too if there was such a program! I think the centre would have lots of business and we can all meet together face to face! Lol! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I'm so sorry, Quaker. I wish you luck with the NC and especially the surgery. I sincerely hope it isn't anything serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Thank you Bentley...nothing too serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I guess it is getting easier. This upcoming weekend we had planned to go away together. We were in the process of picking a hotel and making flight tickets when I got overwhelmed and told him not to call me again unless he is divorced. Trying to stay busy and not think of the long weekend that was supposed to be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Your posts reflect a lot of growth and peace in the last five weeks- keep on keeping on-cheers! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm really proud of you... 5 weeks is no small feat.. Stay strong 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I am so proud of you! 5 weeks keep it up. You will get there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 It has been a few weeks since I told exMM to not contact me unless he was the owner of a divorce decree. Been feeling stronger, mostly because I've been in over my head with other stuff, not sure I've really healed. YES: THE FOLLOWING IS MY FAULT. I had a stressful day at work, feeling very low. Came home and my phone rings...a different number, but I KNEW the area code, and KNEW who it was. I answered. On the other end was a crying MM telling me how much he loves me and how he is going to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. etc. Tells me he has found a job not far from me...etc, etc. I listen, and frankly given how sh*tty I've felt the past week, I actually take pleasure on some level with the groveling. Not good, I know. I cut to the punch line and ask him (after 15 minutes of uninterrupted groveling) "Are you still with your wife?" Guess what!!!! Yup. Same exact answer: "Well, technically...we live under the same roof but we don't have a marriage, I'm in love with you." He goes on to explain the SAME stuff: Can't file yet, needs to work on house, secure job...etc. etc. I'm cold, tell him I need to go. He begs me to tell him I love him, I can't. I feel guilty after we end the conversation and I text him that I'm sorry I can't be nicer. Stupid. He follows it up with a sappy message about how I'm the best person he knows. I admit it feels good. But, it only feels good because right now my self-esteem is so low. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I know "they" say to never break NC but in this case it seems that what you said just re-affirmed for him that you are not willing to be an OW, not willing to be his crutch so I think thats a good thing. He gave it a shot to see if you would bite on the same old, same old and you did not. As for you, I do worry that it set you back a bit so in that respect maybe "they" are right. IMO you do not have low self esteem, you had a bad day, but you were able to stand firm on what you need and that in itself tells me your self-esteem is on the upswing- As always, be gentle and kind to yourself- cheers! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 Well yes...I had a bad day AND I have low self-esteem. Otherwise I'd not have seen him again after I knew he was married. Not to mention the whole thing with the MM kicked the crap out of what esteem I had remaining. He is a crazy, selfish man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Give yourself more credit girl, your esteem in on the upswing- at least it looks that way to me-you did not fully suck in and you re-affirmed that you have boundaries-you can not grow and heal unless you give yourself credit for the small victories- I know it took me months and months to see I was making progress but once I acknowledged it, it grew and I felt better and better- Hang in there- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Don't base your worth on that. MM just don't leave. I'm proud of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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