Torn between two women

[MP67]

My first reply was to your thread on the OW/OM Board which seems to have now been merged into one thread with your other thread on the Infidelity Board (which I hadn't read when I first posted).

 

 

Have you asked yourself why you want to string both women along for a year or so? To me it seems so unfair to both.

 

 

Even if you do manage to negotiate some sort of civilised co-parenting with your ex-wife, you do realise that this will most likely fly out the window the moment she realises you were cheating on her for 3 years or more. Your wife will possibly have difficulties sustaining good performance in her job when you abandon her for another woman. So the reasons you give for delaying for up to a year just don't hold water.

 

 

If you are certain that you want to be with the OW then just do it. Delaying for a year or so, will not solve the problem of how to go about ending it with your wife.

 

 

By the way I agree with the posters who suggest that your OW is not a good bet relationship-wise. There must have been a reason why you two split up originally. In any case she is the sort of woman who doesn't respect others' commitments and family, and is happy to assist in inflicting devastation on another woman and child who has done her no harm. I think you and she probably do deserve each other but your wife and child don't deserve what you plan to do to them.

 

 

Bootsie, I understand why you think what you wrote but I need to clarify that the OW is not ok with my situation. She isn't some homewrecking woman without morals...I assure you this is a very complex and difficult situation for her. She'd never intentionally hurt my wife or son; if anything...she is the one who stands to sustain the most hurt.

[MP67]

MP67,

Let's get this straight.

 

You planned an executed this affair in the full knowledge that it could blow your marriage to $h!£r@g$, and now that that event is coming closer you're looking for a way to duck the fallout?

 

That isn't possible, so you'd better just man-up and jump one way or the other - and the sooner the better for all concerned.

 

 

As I said previously, the affair wasn't "planned."

[MP67]

Welcome, MP67. You're sure getting an earful here, aren't you?

 

Reading your initial post, your marriage is over. You need to go ahead and file for divorce now. And yes, tell your wife the truth: that you have been reunited with an old GF, fell in love and had an affair. It will hurt your wife terribly but it is the most fair thing to do.

 

If you try to sneak out of your marriage without telling your wife why, she will likely twist herself into a pretzel trying to save her marriage and keep you. If you tell her the truth, everything is off the table and she can learn to accept it.

 

I normally advise counseling, cutting off contact with the AP, etc. etc in an attempt to make sure. But in your case, your marriage is done. You couldn't even find the excitement and passion during your anniversary weekend vacation with your wife. That means your relationship with her is dead.

 

I echo jwi's advice about the legal aspect of ending your marriage and co-parenting your son. Your wife will not be able to take him away from you. You will still get plenty of time with your son. The days of the mom getting full custody and making all the decisions are an old-school approach.

 

 

Thank you Snow. This does sound like the logical path.

[MP67]

I'm of the opinion that OP stepped out. He is responsible for his marriage.

 

 

I agree with this. My ow is not responsible for what I've done to my marriage. I am. I should have confessed to my wife when I first had feelings for another and not taken it underground. That is the reality. The ow is really a victim of my conflict. She did nothing but fall in love with me and suffer herself due to my inability to face the music. Not her fault. I broke my marriage vows.

[carhill]

OP, having dealt with a similar situation ('old' love), I'll share a few observations.

 

You didn't meet this affair partner as a random stranger. You knew her. You evidently, at some point in the past, had loved her and presumably she you. You found out her M was ending, which means you were still aware of her through your social circle or other means. You chose to go to the reunion and interact with her there. Those are all choices.

 

Here's some advice. You wouldn't be here if you had a clear mind about what decisions to make; you'd have already made them. You're uncertain. Examine that uncertainty. Then take your questions. Look at them and the potential answers. How do you feel about each answer? If you have any fears, face them, own them and work them.

 

I worked a lot of this in MC and did divorce and my exW was fully disclosed the whole way and I found the process, especially the MC process, to really help clarify the decision-making dynamic. My decision was to be alone and I remain so, some five years later. Your decision will be completely your own. You've been in this A for apparently about two years. That's a lot of time to clarify things. Good luck.

[lace5262]

I agree with this. My ow is not responsible for what I've done to my marriage. I am. I should have confessed to my wife when I first had feelings for another and not taken it underground. That is the reality. The ow is really a victim of my conflict. She did nothing but fall in love with me and suffer herself due to my inability to face the music. Not her fault. I broke my marriage vows.

 

She is very much responsible for her part in this.

[rumbleseat]

OP,

I know I sound like I am attacking you and your ow. The truth is that you are going to open a huge can of hurt for your w. She deserves to know the truth.

 

Unless you are one hell of an actor, or unless you are truly cold hearted, your. A is affecting your interactions with your W. She , on some level, is probably blaming herself and wondering what she is doing wrong, when the truth is that she really isn't doing anything.

 

If you love her at all, if you ever did,be honest with her. Let her know what has happened, as this will give her the knowledge she will need to move on and find happiness with someone else. Otherwise, she may go on thinking there is something's wrong with her. Is that what you really want to do to her?

 

Tell her the truth, then as soon as possible, leave. Find your own place where you can begin to build your new life. You will be ding your then x wife no favours by hanging around. Yu will still get to see your son and spend plenty of time with him, and you won't have this cloud hanging over you.

 

None of you will be living a lie anymore.

 

If you care at all for your w, and if you are truly acting out of icon earn for her and your son, you will pay heed to those who a be been in her position.

[William]

Members are reminded that this is the topic:

 

 

My ow is starting to get angry. She wants a commitment. She has been patient for two years.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1) Is there a way to ask for a divorce without disclosing the affair?

 

2) How is the best way to disclose the affair?

 

Responses should be directed to that topic and refrain from characterizing the thread starter editorially and offered in a tone which moderation recognizes as respectful and helpful. This thread has been edited. Thanks!

Edited March 29, 2014 by William
Thread edit completed.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Bootsie, I understand why you think what you wrote but I need to clarify that the OW is not ok with my situation. She isn't some homewrecking woman without morals...I assure you this is a very complex and difficult situation for her. She'd never intentionally hurt my wife or son; if anything...she is the one who stands to sustain the most hurt.

How can you possibly believe this? Is the fog really that thick.

 

Your wife stands to lose her husband, her trust, her sense of safety, probably her home, her dreams and hopes.

 

Your son loses his in tact family and a fulltime relationship with either parent. Again, I ask...are you moving to her city? Are you leaving your small son? My father left for the OW when I was 9 and it changed my life irrevocably. Dont underplay what this will do to him... more especially if you just bail out of town.

 

Do not minimise what you and ms wonderful are about to inflict on them. They will be devastated.

 

Tell them now, TODAY....so they can start on the road to healing as soon as possible.

[soccerrprp]

1. Of course. By lying. But you should tell her and take it "like a man." Why bother hiding the truth? Spare your innocent wife and child or spare yourself further guilt, liability in divorce?

 

2. Telling her the truth.

Edited March 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content.

[Bootsie]

Bootsie, I understand why you think what you wrote but I need to clarify that the OW is not ok with my situation. She isn't some homewrecking woman without morals...I assure you this is a very complex and difficult situation for her. She'd never intentionally hurt my wife or son; if anything...she is the one who stands to sustain the most hurt.

 

 

It sounds like she's not OK with you being married while having it off with her.

 

 

It sounds like she's very OK with helping you to betray your wife and child, and actually wants you to leave (ie wreck) your marriage.

 

 

She's put herself in a position for getting very hurt I agree, unlike your wife and child who have been put in that same position by you and the OW.

 

 

Seeing as you've asked for advice, mine is to make your decision now and then act on it immediately. I have a strong feeling that your decision will be to try to keep both relationships going as long as possible, and therefore will act to keep them both going as long as possible, by refusing to inform your wife and continuing to string along your OW. It would be great if you proved me wrong.

[Lamron]

1) There is no honourable way.

 

2) In a straightforward and honest way. Now. You can try and rationalize a postponement, a this, or a that. But it won't matter except to make things worse. Stop being controlling by keeping this from your wife. Her life is at least as valuable and important as yours. Isn't it? Stop depriving her of knowledge, understanding and her own path. Stop the crazy that she might be feeling trying to figure out what is going on and how to fix it - and whether it is somehow her fault. Stop it.

 

 

In my earlier post I mentioned the green pasture over the fence. Hope it's not just a field of pigweed - because that can be poisonous to both cattle and swine if digested too often in bulk (I don't know how much is too often - perhaps more than a few short feedings per year?). Not sure. Anyway, just a digression. Not relevant.

 

Honour your wife!

Edited March 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whatatangledweb]

OP,

if you had never saw your OW would you want your marriage? Would you be happy with your wife if the OW did not exist? I think you may be confusing in love with that butterfly feeling you have with a new relationship. That does fade after the honeymoon period. You have had it longer as you only see your OW four times a year. Ask yourself honestly if you want to leave your marriage just for the OW.

 

Your wife will always want to know why you want a divorce. Being honest is better than her being haunted by the question for years. She may find out later and that will be ugly. Better for her to know the truth. I believe you owe her that.

[cocorico]

My ow is starting to get angry. She wants a commitment. She has been patient for two years.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1) Is there a way to ask for a divorce without disclosing the affair?

 

2) How is the best way to disclose the affair?

 

 

MP my advice will be coloured by my own experience here, both as the child of a fMM who D his BW and M his fOW, and as a fOW now happily M to her fMM.

 

In the first case, my father did not disclose the A to my mother when initiating the D. He simply filed for D on the basis of orreconcilable differences / irretrievable breakdown of the M (no fault D) and, some time after the D, got M to his fOW. Their D was acrimonious, bitter and very final - they have not exchanged a single word since the D more than 20 years ago. The kids were pressured by my mother to take sides, and to is day neither parent can bear to mention the other. Not a constructive outcome.

 

In the second case, my H disclosed to his then-BW that he was in love with someone else and wished to D. An acrimonious, protracted D followed, and again they have not exchanged a single word since the D (in fact, during the D - all communications went via their lawyers as civil exchange was impossible) which was more than 5 years ago. The BW pressured the kids to take sides, and as a result they have very little contact with her. Also, perhaps, not the outcome one might hope for.

 

My point is, the A has happened. The feelings and loyaltiy shifts it has provoked have happened. If you have checked out of your M - as my father and my H had both done - that disconnect is already there, and will be felt by the BW whether or not you disclose. There is unlikely to be a clean, painless way to uncouple.

 

If you disclose the A, the A will likely become the focus of the D, with your BW attempting to shove all the blame for anything that was ever unsatisfactory about your R at your feet. And depending on your level of guilt, you may be manipulated into shouldering that load.

 

If OTOH you choose not to disclose, she will seek a reason for the "sudden" desire to split, which to her will likely seem to have come from nowhere, and may put enormous pressure on you to admit that there is someone else.... or she will try to convince you that the M can be salvaged and that you should commit to MC "for the sake of the kid" etc. Ether way, it is unlikely that she will simply agree to a D.

 

And, unless you can provide her with an "acceptable" rationale for ending the M (and simply "falling for someone else" is unlikely to suffice, as she may think she can "win your affections back" and move into competitive mode) you will likely find yourself nder enormous pressure to " give it a last shot" before walking away. Do you have the stomach for that? If, as you suggest, your heart is set on ending the M to be with your love, would you be willing to go through the motions of "one last try" - knowing your heart was not in it, deceiving your BW and creating false hope - and thereby risking your R with your love by stalling her, and by causing her to question your commitment to her?

 

If you are certain you want to end the M, tell her that you wish to end the M and that your decision is final. Do not agree to MC (unless it is counselling aimed at ending the M constructively) or to "one last try" as that will just hurt all three of you. How much you disclose of the A will influence how much the A features in the subsequent D negotiations, but either way it is unlikely that the D will be any less acrimonious simply by not disclosing.

 

If you are not yet certain you want to end the M, and are only going down that route under pressure from your love who is "angry" and "tired of waiting", then I would not rush into anything. While I would not agree with putting boh women on hold "for another year" as you seem to be suggesting elsewhere, I would suggest telling them both that you need some time out to be sure you are making a decision which is sustainable and which you will not regret, and then taking time apart from both of them (or as LC as you can manage with them both) while spending time in IC to explore which, if either, R you cannot live without, and what shape you want your future to take. When you are clear on that, be honest with both women, and put it into action as swiftly and cleanly as possible.

 

Failure to live authentically will only lead to unhappiness for everyone, and will not be sustainable in the long term.

 

Good luck - I hope you are able to resolve this without too much pain.

[rumbleseat]

Something about the whole limited contact with your w while you figure out what you want doesn't sit well, as there is a child involved here. They need stability, and aren't going to get it if you're waffling around.

 

If you do decide to do what amounts to a trial separation, I hope your wife sets up a legal agreement to protect herself during that time. She should also be given the same opportunity to explore a relationship with so going else, just as you are, should she feel she wants to.

[Hope Shimmers]

Something about the whole limited contact with your w while you figure out what you want doesn't sit well, as there is a child involved here. They need stability, and aren't going to get it if you're waffling around.

 

If you do decide to do what amounts to a trial separation, I hope your wife sets up a legal agreement to protect herself during that time. She should also be given the same opportunity to explore a relationship with so going else, just as you are, should she feel she wants to.

 

I agree with this. Not just because of the child, but because it seems somehow arrogant to put everyone on "low contact" while he is deciding what he wants out of his life, with the expectation that everyone is just going to be waiting on pins and needles to see if they "won" him. If I were an OW or BS and someone did that to me I would make the decision easy for him and suggest he take a long walk off a short pier.

[Popsicle]

Yes, OW knows I love my wife and am conflicted. Its the whole "not in love" with the wife thing. And I do love the OW for significant reasons. I do plan on leaving my wife and am figuring it out. I'd just like some more time.

 

I have never seen a man leave his wife because he feels like "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I mean, yeah, those feelings are true, but the logic and practicality kicks in and tells them that they shouldn't make such drastic decisions and life changes based on mere feelings. And then they stay with their wife, and after that some try to then realign their feelings for their wife, which in my opinion doesn't work, but they are doing the right thing for trying.

 

You will probably end up the same way, after much deliberating (or getting caught).

[cocorico]

I agree with this. Not just because of the child, but because it seems somehow arrogant to put everyone on "low contact" while he is deciding what he wants out of his life, with the expectation that everyone is just going to be waiting on pins and needles to see if they "won" him. If I were an OW or BS and someone did that to me I would make the decision easy for him and suggest he take a long walk off a short pier.

 

Why is it arrogant? there is no expectation that anyone else has to "wait on pins and needles", or do anything at all. But, everybody is clued in to what is going on, MP gets to step back and sort himself out without ensnaring either woman with any further false hope or future promising, and at the point where he know what it is he really wants (if he is not already in that position) then he can approach whichever - or neither - woman and see if she is still interested.

 

The alternative is he keeps both women dangling on a string, buying time with both to keep them interested while he attempts to figure things out. Only, with the proximity, he's unlikely to be able to do so. Which is why stepping back can help to clarify things - but it needs to be symmetrical, he needs to step back from *both* women if he is to be able to make a clear-headed decision. Moving in with the OW and cutting out the BW, or cutting out the OW and just being with the BW, is not going to give him the emotional space and distance to make a clear-headed decision.

 

If he has not, already. He claims he has - that he wants to be with the OW - but if not, then he needs to make that decision and act on it, rather than seeking to buy time and keeping two women on a string with false hope.

[KaliLove]

I agree with this. Not just because of the child, but because it seems somehow arrogant to put everyone on "low contact" while he is deciding what he wants out of his life, with the expectation that everyone is just going to be waiting on pins and needles to see if they "won" him. If I were an OW or BS and someone did that to me I would make the decision easy for him and suggest he take a long walk off a short pier.

 

Exactly. He needs to come clean with everyone and let his wife and the OW decide what THEY want instead of assuming he's the king of the universe and both women will sit around waiting for him.

 

OP your wife deserves all the information so she can make an informed decision about HER life.

[William]

As it appears the thread starter has gone missing in action, I'll close this for now pending their return and alert for an update and/or further input. Thanks for your participation!