Torn between two women

[MuddyFootprints]

You are going to destroy your wife no matter how softly you try to sell it. You can not sugar coat it. Own your decision courageously and truthfully. You owe it to both women.

Edited March 29, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[Hope Shimmers]

One thing I will caution you on, is the "grass is greener" phenomenon. Remember that you only see this OW four times a year. It's not a fair comparison to your W who you life with and share mundane daily life activities with, is it?

 

I cringe every time I hear the "I love her but I'm not IN LOVE with her" statement. If you do end up with OW, real life is going to kick in too, but then you will be dealing with having your son only part-time and other such issues related to divorce and co-parenting.

 

Moral of the story... even if she was your "lost true love", do NOT think that you are going to be sailing into the sunset with this OW and be "in love" forever. You will likely feel very similarly after awhile, and in the meantime you will have lost the wife that you claim to love, and the ability to be a full-time parent to your son.

 

I think that if you do this, you will end up regretting it.

[violet1]

Why not end things with your OW so you can focus on ending your M. Just let her know you need space to figure things out. Are you leaving the M for yourself or for OW? You can't not tell your W. Don't you think she'll put two and two together when you're in a relationship with your ex after divorce? I know I would suspect something if my H started dating an ex right after divorce.

[rumbleseat]

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are more worried about making this as easy as possible for YOU and never mind your bs.

 

After all these years of love and fidelity from her, she deserves a damned sight better than to be left wondering what she said what she did to push you away.

 

Stop being a coward. Man up and be truthful rip off the bandaid and let her start to heal.

[rumbleseat]

Yes, OW knows I love my wife and am conflicted. Its the whole "not in love" with the wife thing. And I do love the OW for significant reasons. I do plan on leaving my wife and am figuring it out. I'd just like some more time.

 

So this woman who knows you love your ws, by way of issuing ultimatums, is doing her best to ruin that love?

 

While your actions are all on you, it doesn't say much about her that she would get involved with a mm who says he loves his w.

[jwi71]

Well OP - which woman do you want to spend your life?

Once you know - take appropriate action - either file for D or end the A.

 

But, really, its not terribly fair now is it. You see, your W is fighting for her M - though she doesn't know it. The OW does - she can be "extra good" - or "up her game" to "win" you. Your W is denied this opportunity.

 

I vote you level the playing field - tell your W you are having an A and you are unsure which woman you wish to spend your life with. Now she too can "up her game". Of course, she may also make the decision for you. Either way - its a conclusion.

 

And - no worries about your son. Infidelity, at least in my state, means zilch when it comes to custody. Being a crap H doesn't make you a crap father. The courts know this. So - it really doesn't matter - and no, the courts won't judge you on it either (love the pun!) - they see this crap all the time.

 

But - hire a lawyer. He or she will know far better than any of us.

[Leigh 87]

For God's sake, no for you and your family's sake, forget this other woman. Give your love, loyalty and devotion to the woman you asked to be your wife...you know, the woman you took a vow to love, honor and cherish, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, or were you just kidding???? You're caught up in a fantasy and you're going to wind up hurting a lot of people! Stop right now, before it's too late! You're a grown-up, not some dewy-eyed adolescent.

 

 

 

 

This is nonsense advice.

 

He is NOT in love with his wife.

 

This is not about some teenage crush necessarily.

 

Look, when a man cheats and falls for a woman OTHER than their wife, it means he is absolutely NOT in love with his wife.

 

We all deserve to be in love. This man is NOT in love with his wife. He is not passionate about her and it is pointless going to a professional and "trying" to get passion back.

 

..Many men do not NEED to " seek counselling" in order to get passion back for their wives....

 

...This man will do better with a woman who he is actually IN love with; he loves his wife like a platonic friend or family member. Not as a lover.

 

Plus no woman wants to stay with a guy who has to fake passion on anniversaries; they too will be better off with men who ARE passionate about them.

 

 

 

 

My parents are STILL happily married. They never lost passion, although it waxes and wanes of course, but they never HAVE to try to "create it" again since they never entirely lose it.

 

Just because there are kids involved, both the parents deserve partners who they are truly in love with.

 

It is utterly stupid to stay just "for the kids"... and what, stay in a lack lustre marriage where you are not excited or happy about being married anymore?

 

Why give up finding true love JUST because you have a child?

 

Everyone should grow up, stop having affairs and just END marriages when you are no longer in love with your partner; amicably divorce and raise your child in happy and healthy way.

 

It DOESN'T have to hurt " a lot of people". It hurts the child and the parents involved; it doesn't concern anyone else, frankly.

[peaksandvalleys]

My first post...go easy on me. I've been married to a very good woman for 9 years. We have a 6 year old son. Two years ago I found out that my old love was divorcing. I met up with her at a reunion and things turned into an affair immediately, she is not married. I love her like we were never apart. I also love my wife, as my partner and the mother of my son. I don't know what to do...I dream of my AP, I love her, but the guilt hurts. I've now seen her on 5 business trips. My wife got suspicious once, but no D Days. It is so hard to continue to the charade of "being in love" with my wife. We went away for our anniversary and faking the passion was hard.

 

My ow is starting to get angry. She wants a commitment. She has been patient for two years.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1) Is there a way to ask for a divorce without disclosing the affair?

 

2) How is the best way to disclose the affair?

 

Thanks.

 

 

A good woman but not good enough to be faithful to.

 

1) yes there is a way. There is always a way to lie to someone.

 

2) Open your mouth and say I am having an affair and I want to divorce you to marry her. There is no chance I will change my mind and you deserve to have someone be in love with you and faithful to you.

[Furious]

My first post...go easy on me. I've been married to a very good woman for 9 years. We have a 6 year old son. Two years ago I found out that my old love was divorcing. I met up with her at a reunion and things turned into an affair immediately, she is not married. I love her like we were never apart. I also love my wife, as my partner and the mother of my son. I don't know what to do...I dream of my AP, I love her, but the guilt hurts. I've now seen her on 5 business trips. My wife got suspicious once, but no D Days. It is so hard to continue to the charade of "being in love" with my wife. We went away for our anniversary and faking the passion was hard.

 

My ow is starting to get angry. She wants a commitment. She has been patient for two years.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1) Is there a way to ask for a divorce without disclosing the affair?

 

2) How is the best way to disclose the affair?

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

Take a deep breath.....you seem to be in a panic.

 

What I get from your post is you woud like more time to keep both the marriage and OW until you figure out the best outcome for YOU. You're really not interested in giving your wife the truth to her reality. Even though you say you love your wife it's worthless if you don't respect her.

 

The pressure is getting to you...the OW wants a commitment.

 

Ok....you love the OW and you accept that getting a divorce and sharing custody of your child is what it will take to be with her. You know that is the reality.

 

The thing is your marriage is dead...you let it die, you fed your affair and starved the intimacy between you and your wife. She knows something's wrong, but she trusts you and you have made sure she keeps trusting you as a way of covering up your tracks.

 

I have to say love without respect is just a four letter word.

[peaksandvalleys]

I'm a MM in love with my single OW for two years now. We only see each other about 4 times per year when I travel to her city on business. She knows I'm married and have a son and that I love my wife and am having a hard time ending my marriage. But, I love my OW. What would you want to hear from your MM to make you stay a little bit longer? She is giving me ultimatums and I'm just not ready. I want both my wife and I to find better jobs and be more stable before I ask to separate. Probably another year.

 

 

So another year of "HER" life "YOU" are willing to waste so that you have it your way. How much do you think that year is worth to her? How much could you offer her monetarily to compensate for something she will never get back? What if she misses out on the love that she deserves because you continue to lie to her? Are you willing for someone to make decisions about your life without your knowledge while manipulating you and your emotions the entire time? Tell me how is that a good thing for her? your child?

[Spark1111]

Four times a year, really?

 

You are divorcing a loving wife and leaving your child for an old GF you get to see 4 times a year?

 

I have no words for this.....except to tell your wife, separate at least, and go live day in, day out with that old gf you have only seen 8 times in two years. is that correct?

 

I give it 6 months. if you are lucky your wife may not have divorced YOU and, or, moved on to dating another in 6 months.

 

but she still may hate you for lying to her about your feelings for another for over two years.

 

Good luck with this mess of your own making.

[KaliLove]

So another year of "HER" life "YOU" are willing to waste so that you have it your way. How much do you think that year is worth to her? How much could you offer her monetarily to compensate for something she will never get back? What if she misses out on the love that she deserves because you continue to lie to her? Are you willing for someone to make decisions about your life without your knowledge while manipulating you and your emotions the entire time? Tell me how is that a good thing for her? your child?

 

This. How can you waste a whole year of her life on your lies and selfishness?

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Soooo....if she lives in another city, does that mean youre going to leave your child too? Really. I mean, really?

 

Nothing...and I mean nothing ever worth keeping would ask me to leave my child and destroy that relationship. Nothing.

 

My god what a selfish pair you are. Throw away your trusting, faithful, honorable wife...the one with integrity...for a woman who has no compunction breaking up a family. One who is demanding and complicit in cheating and lying. Good luck with that. You two deserve each other.

 

How do you disclose? You sit her down and tell it. Honestly. Give her that gift. Own your ****. None of this is her fault and she does not deserve THIS.

[thummper]

This is nonsense advice.

 

He is NOT in love with his wife.

 

This is not about some teenage crush necessarily.

 

Look, when a man cheats and falls for a woman OTHER than their wife, it means he is absolutely NOT in love with his wife.

We all deserve to be in love. This man is NOT in love with his wife. He is not passionate about her and it is pointless going to a professional and "trying" to get passion back.

 

..Many men do not NEED to " seek counselling" in order to get passion back for their wives....

 

...This man will do better with a woman who he is actually IN love with; he loves his wife like a platonic friend or family member. Not as a lover.

 

Plus no woman wants to stay with a guy who has to fake passion on anniversaries; they too will be better off with men who ARE passionate about them.

 

 

 

 

My parents are STILL happily married. They never lost passion, although it waxes and wanes of course, but they never HAVE to try to "create it" again since they never entirely lose it.

 

Just because there are kids involved, both the parents deserve partners who they are truly in love with.

 

It is utterly stupid to stay just "for the kids"... and what, stay in a lack lustre marriage where you are not excited or happy about being married anymore?

 

Why give up finding true love JUST because you have a child?

 

Everyone should grow up, stop having affairs and just END marriages when you are no longer in love with your partner; amicably divorce and raise your child in happy and healthy way.

 

It DOESN'T have to hurt " a lot of people". It hurts the child and the parents involved; it doesn't concern anyone else, frankly.

Men crave something new, nostalgia for the past, a fantasy. "Oh, if I had just chosen her! I could have been so happy!" In the meantime the woman who has given him thirty years of her life is about to be discarded like yesterday's garbage so her husband can be with his "true love." Sounds like kids in middle school. I'm not sure what that last comment was supposed to mean. If it doesn't concern anyone else, why is he on this site? Looking for an ok from us so he can dump his wife? With all the men and women here who have been blindsided by their mates, what kind of reception did he expect to get.

[Bootsie]

My first reply was to your thread on the OW/OM Board which seems to have now been merged into one thread with your other thread on the Infidelity Board (which I hadn't read when I first posted).

 

 

Have you asked yourself why you want to string both women along for a year or so? To me it seems so unfair to both.

 

 

Even if you do manage to negotiate some sort of civilised co-parenting with your ex-wife, you do realise that this will most likely fly out the window the moment she realises you were cheating on her for 3 years or more. Your wife will possibly have difficulties sustaining good performance in her job when you abandon her for another woman. So the reasons you give for delaying for up to a year just don't hold water.

 

 

If you are certain that you want to be with the OW then just do it. Delaying for a year or so, will not solve the problem of how to go about ending it with your wife.

 

 

By the way I agree with the posters who suggest that your OW is not a good bet relationship-wise. There must have been a reason why you two split up originally. In any case she is the sort of woman who doesn't respect others' commitments and family, and is happy to assist in inflicting devastation on another woman and child who has done her no harm. I think you and she probably do deserve each other but your wife and child don't deserve what you plan to do to them.

[goodyblue]

I was OW. My guy left his wife and we're now together and we are quite happy.

 

He was worried about hurting his ex wife too. The thing he realized early on was that it was worse to string her along when it was clearly over. The second was, he and I both hated being in an affair, even though I loved him very much, and would not wait forever.

 

I, as OW set timelines early on. I made sure he knew that he had a certain amount of time and then if he hadn't left, I'd walk. And I most certainly would have because him staying in a dead marriage would have told me that he wasn't interested in being with me and I deserved to be loved fully, just like everyone else.

 

At the time, I was just interested in him ending things and moving on because I felt we were wasting our lives being apart. Now, I feel bad that we planned our lives, and his ex's too, without her knowledge. It took me a long time to realize why that was wrong. He was unhappy in his marriage, there was no intimacy, and honestly, it was about money for his ex. That made it a little easier for me, I think. But it still wasn't the proper decision and we should have just been honest.

 

So, he followed the timeline (Nowhere NEAR what you are talking about) and then he left. He did disclose the affair, but I'll tell you, it was terrible. Once the affair was disclosed, it no longer was about them not being in love, or not having any sort of real connection, the lack of intimacy, the lack of friendship. It became about his 'cheating' and she did not, and still has not, looked at the actual reasons for the divorce, or that he was ripe for an affair because he was so lonely.

 

We're together now, and we are very happy. It's not been easy, but it has certainly been worth it. Sometimes you miss the love of your life the first time and then reconnect and things just work out. They did for us. But I'm telling you right now, if you plan to leave, then just leave. I'm not really able to advise you on whether to tell your wife or not, because that was something I wish hadn't happened for us, but that is a decision you must make. I'm just saying, MAKE A DECISION. I'm telling you, I would have walked. I didn't pressure him, I simply told him what my expectations were and let him decide.

 

Good luck, you're in a tough position, but (you and I both know) you put yourself there, just like I did, just like my guy did. So, we have to live with our choices, move forward and do the best we can.

 

I believe in love. I believe in being happy. I think if you've found the one you truly feel you need/want to be with, that's okay, but step up and let your wife find the same. Don't waste another year of her life.

 

Best of luck!

[Bootsie]

[/b]

 

For the record, I think this is tripe. You don't know a dang thing about the OW.

 

 

I was expressing an opinion, which is just as valid as anyone's else's. I know what the OP has told us and I've made a judgment based on her behaviour. If your opinion is that good people think it's fine to invade other people's marriages, then I disagree with you too.

Edited March 29, 2014 by Bootsie

[goodyblue]

I'm of the opinion that OP stepped out. He is responsible for his marriage.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Yes, Janedoe...I agree. And that is what I should have done. I know it is cliché, but I really didn't plan on having the affair...it happened, but it didn't change that I love my wife.

 

It just happened, that is a big barrel of sheep dip. You can lie to all these good folks, you can lie to yourself, but don't think that for one minute that I'm going to buy this story. The devil made me do it doesn't cut the mustard.

 

You say you love your wife, but there is nothing in the person you described that says love, only lying and cheating. Just as general advise I think that the kindest thing you can do for your wife is tell her the truth. I know you think you are saving her feelings, but you aren't. She will blame herself for years and try to figure out what she did wrong to drive you away. If she knows the truth, she can come to realize that it has nothing to do with her, but merely you feeding your own selfish desires.

 

I find it hard to believe on your wedding day that you thought you were settling for this woman and truly loved the other. If you truly did do that, then that is more cruel than the affair. How do you expect to love your wife, while you are having sex with another woman? You are in the fog of the affair and your compass if off. I doubt the actions of the affair is the person that you are at heart. Time to wake up, put your big boy pants on and be honest with your wife.

 

Do your family a favor and go NC with the other woman, if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. Confess to your wife and see if you can get into counseling and fix the problems of this marriage. If they cannot then seek legal counsel and end this relationship.

[MP67]

Well OP - which woman do you want to spend your life?

Once you know - take appropriate action - either file for D or end the A.

 

But, really, its not terribly fair now is it. You see, your W is fighting for her M - though she doesn't know it. The OW does - she can be "extra good" - or "up her game" to "win" you. Your W is denied this opportunity.

 

I vote you level the playing field - tell your W you are having an A and you are unsure which woman you wish to spend your life with. Now she too can "up her game". Of course, she may also make the decision for you. Either way - its a conclusion.

 

And - no worries about your son. Infidelity, at least in my state, means zilch when it comes to custody. Being a crap H doesn't make you a crap father. The courts know this. So - it really doesn't matter - and no, the courts won't judge you on it either (love the pun!) - they see this crap all the time.

 

But - hire a lawyer. He or she will know far better than any of us.

 

 

Thank you JWI...this was a very helpful post. You have good insights. Food for thought.

[Snowflower]

Welcome, MP67. You're sure getting an earful here, aren't you?

 

Reading your initial post, your marriage is over. You need to go ahead and file for divorce now. And yes, tell your wife the truth: that you have been reunited with an old GF, fell in love and had an affair. It will hurt your wife terribly but it is the most fair thing to do.

 

If you try to sneak out of your marriage without telling your wife why, she will likely twist herself into a pretzel trying to save her marriage and keep you. If you tell her the truth, everything is off the table and she can learn to accept it.

 

I normally advise counseling, cutting off contact with the AP, etc. etc in an attempt to make sure. But in your case, your marriage is done. You couldn't even find the excitement and passion during your anniversary weekend vacation with your wife. That means your relationship with her is dead.

 

I echo jwi's advice about the legal aspect of ending your marriage and co-parenting your son. Your wife will not be able to take him away from you. You will still get plenty of time with your son. The days of the mom getting full custody and making all the decisions are an old-school approach.

[Minnie09]

Thanks Harrison. You are probably right. I was hoping to not have the affair be the sole focus of everything.

 

But it should be. I know it's uncomfortable, but the truth is the truth, and as soon as it's out, you can make plans for the future and organize the coparenting thing. If you really love both, however, then try to keep them both. I think it's morally wrong, and I think loving two people equally is BS, but if you say so, go for it. IF you love them both, you'll be miserable choosing "just" one. I think it's a shame and not fair to your family, esp. your 6-yo, bot hey.....you deserve to be happy, right?

 

IMO, LOVE is a COMMITMENT, it's a CHOICE......everything else is just emotions. Weak people give in to every fricking whim and believe it's LOVE. It's not. You promised to take care of your W at some point, made a commitment, started a family.....it's a responsibility thing. The new girl is new, a flame, it'll burn out.

 

Make your own choice, and good luck.

[Arieswoman]

MP67,

Let's get this straight.

 

You planned an executed this affair in the full knowledge that it could blow your marriage to $h!£r@g$, and now that that event is coming closer you're looking for a way to duck the fallout?

 

That isn't possible, so you'd better just man-up and jump one way or the other - and the sooner the better for all concerned.

[VeronicaRoss]

If you were in your wife's and child's position, how would you want to be treated?

 

That's what you need to do.

 

They'll both be in your life forever, no matter what you do so think and act long, long term.

[VeronicaRoss]

Btw, you need to read more LS threads about life after the fantasy when people end up with their APs and how reality sinks in.

 

My mom and dad fell in love with other people while they were married and while the divorce from each other was wise, marrying the other people immediately after was not. They were so engulfed in fantasy they had no idea who they were really marrying and it was a double disaster.

 

One thing at a time.