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The Slow Fade + NC = No Chance?


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elsea, I would encourage you to write this letter but I wouldn't encourage you to send it to him. Most likely, it will only serve to push him further away.

 

You're going to have some good days and some tough ones. He has chosen to move on (and I know how much this hurts). If he's coming back, he'll come back on his own terms, not yours. If you continue to believe that the sooner he comes back, the more he really loves you, it'll just wrap you in pain and I imagine it would damage your sense of self-worth and your confidence levels. Please don't allow your self-esteem/sense of self-worth and confidence be dependent on his choices. You're a wonderful girl, with so much to offer, and he chooses not to take what you're able to offer.

 

And I know that hurts, but it is a blessing. It means that someone else will see you for you and love you for you and not be willing to give up so easily. Someone who will work through the bumps with you and want to keep you in their lives even when there are hard times. Someone who truly values and appreciates you, who cares about you and who makes you a priority in his life.

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Thank you Sooshi, you are much too kind. I am battling a despondent break up brain which is struggling to move on, and I know what I have to do. I've known since Day One. I have to stay away. And I know he's not right for me, because I do need someone who will be there for me, and he hasn't been. Not in the relationship. Not when I needed him. Not now. Not ever. He's gone. It's heart-wrenching and disappointing when you put a lot of love and effort in the relationship, only to find that they only love you... to a limit.

 

Like I said, I am thankful, to an extent, he has this new person in his life to keep him occupied, and hopefully happy. I am glad because the new person is one of the roadblocks that will keep me from reaching out under the guise of being "forgiving", "kind", or whatever adjective I want to validate my actions with. Because at this point, I am not operating from an inner strength.

 

So NC it is, slowly building that inner strength. and hopefully there will be other outlets for love. And I hope I don't screw it up. :)

 

Thank you all for listening when I need to vent.

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Hello, darkness my old friend...

 

So perhaps I am just being melodramatic. I went out on Wednesday night with a new guy who did ALL the right things. Flowers. Opened Doors. Paid for the Date. Was kind. It kind of helped that I think he was into me. (I, of course, am still rightfully guarding my heart. And will for awhile.)

 

So he set up a date for the next day. And cancelled for an "emergency meeting". I ran into him a bit later in the afternoon. He set up the same date, and even had a time for it. And I got another text, saying he thought he was coming down with a bug. But this is twice! In two days!

 

Dude. You are really testing my patience here. (I'm still going to give him the benefit of the doubt.)

 

I hate to give you my time expectations so soon. but I never really gave them to my ex. I think that caused a lot of problems in the relationship. It's tricky because I am only dating him. I don't think my time expectations it's asking too much. (When we plan dates, I expect you to be on time most of the time, and let me know when you can't be on time. Apologize if you are late. And make it up to me if you are consistently late for a while. Also. Don't blow me off or stand me up.) Is that too much to ask , LS?

 

What's sad is that am now thinking back to the ex. (Doesn't help that his philanthropy event is being promoted like wild on the facebook.) At least he showed up... It's too bad that he couldn't be what I thought he was, and that I just didn't do enough for him, in his eyes.

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Stay on track Elsea. This NC is about you remember.

 

 

Enjoy your dates but don't put too much emphasis on them to help you feel better. This will come from within through time. Baby steps.

 

 

Its a hard journey but I think you are doing really well. I have enjoyed reading your posts.

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Right. Believe me, I know satisfaction can't come entirely from dating. It's fun, but tiring.

 

What I think the problem is is my ex described himself as "spontaneous", but really he had a general disregard for other people's time and lived on his own schedule. (It drove me nuts, if you couldn't tell.) This new guy, who I like, told me he was "spontaneous". And coupled with these last actions, I have to wonder if he is "spontaneous" in the way my ex was. Spontaneous is not a bad word. It is good to be spontaneous, occasionally. Just after this last relationship, "spontaneous" seems to have taken on a meaning it shouldn't have.

 

I just don't want to drag baggage over where there should be none, but at the same time I feel like I need to be clear where my boundaries are. Probably not on the second date, I am guessing.

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I realized this: It’s been one month since the last text. One month since I realized I couldn’t bear to text him and talk to him and just have him talk to me as a friend. Because at one point I was more than that. I was his confidant, his partner in crime, his lover. I was someone who once understood, knew, trusted, respected, and loved him fully. I couldn’t bear to be any less, so I stopped.

 

I admit. I felt so small after contacting him. I felt like I was cheating myself by flattering him after he disregarded everything that I had done for him, and said I couldn’t do it for him. I know now that he got a hell of a lot more out of the relationship than I did. I was there for him during all of his tough times. And the first time I needed him to truly understand me, he bailed off to greener pastures.

 

I don’t want someone like that. Someone who I can give all of my love to, and then can’t reciprocate. I don’t want someone who’s afraid of carrying a little bit more of the weight every now and then because we all go through our tough times. I carried my load and his more often than not, because I could.

 

Anyway. Since then I’ve put him and his immediate family on restricted facebook profiles, and unfollowed accordingly. I still check my phone when I am feeling lonely, just to see if he’s called. And he hasn’t. Of course he hasn’t.

 

But, it’s been one month. I feel better. I feel a little more confidence in myself because I know I can go a month without talking to him. Hell, I went two and a half before I broke down a little bit. I wish that I was 3.5 months NC, so I can say I walked away with my head held high. But every day that goes by is a victory, because I am one step closer to being over him.

 

I still don’t want to talk to him. I think I could survive without ever talking to him again. I don’t regret it, because I know I am not in the wrong here for trying to have a little self preservation. I try to think of him a little less every day. Maybe one day he’ll just be a bittersweet memory.

 

Love you, Loveshack.

 

Love,

Elsea

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First off, you aren't ready to date. Your emotions are all over the place, and instead of processing your feelings, you are trying to push them away with dating as a distraction.

 

Second, yes, it is entirely normal to go back and forth with emotions. I have experienced exactly what you wrote about, and I know most others have.

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I went to go volunteer at a build site for Habitat for Humanity today. Felt super great to get out and do something where I could see actual tangible results. And we met the gentleman who's moving into his house with his family. He was moved to tears. It felt wonderful to do something for someone else.

 

There were lots of pictures that went up on the facebook. After the fact, I briefly considered removing the ex from restricted settings just so he could see that I was out doing cool things.

 

I stopped myself, though. I feel more comfortable knowing that he's been cut off from my end, and if he wants to creep on my life he's going to have to make a little more effort.... Not that he is or anything.

 

I want to rage at the heavens and shake my fist: "WHY DO I STILL NEED TO BE VALIDATED BY HIM????"

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A lot of this is re-hash, but skip to the bottom if you want new thoughts.

 

When he dumped me it was "mutual". I saw it coming the second he said, "This is going to be really hard for me to say, but it has to be said." I told him that he should just say it, and when he said it, I agreed with him. I was ambivalent toward him at the time. If he wanted to make it work, great. I loved him, I would work with him. If he wanted to go, well, I loved him, and isn't the best expression of love accepting your lover's decisions and supporting them? If you love them, let them go. Dude. If you want to leave, fine. You just shattered my heart. I'm not going to beg for you back if you want to go. I am tired of all of the "Nos" that have been in our relationship lately, so I'll give you a "yes.". I want you to be happy. So he left, just like that.

 

I cried a bit here and there over winter break. No big deal. In my mind, we were done, but my heart seemed to have frozen. When he came back into town, I thought a few times about trying to reach out to him, but decided that things really weren't different from a month ago, and if I wanted another go 'round, we needed some time and distance. Besides, he wasn't begging for me back, so I knew his heart hadn't changed.

 

It only hit me once I saw he got a new girlfriend six weeks later. Full scale depression. Crying. Weakness. Lots of rage here and there. I still hadn't figured out the social media block, so I kept seeing his posts and stuff. That sucked. I stayed strong, though, and finally after a week or so after reading "How to get your ex back" pages over and over again, I reached out through text. I felt like an idiot, because I didn't feel like I needed to act like someone I wasn't, and he didn't need anything from me. Back to page one. (By the way, don't read the how to get your ex back pages. They're terrible, and they're usually trying to sell you something.)

 

The thing that stings was that it was "mutual". Yeah, I wanted to let him go that night. But I really didn't, and didn't know what I was doing. (I was in a state of mental trauma from finals. Really. I'd just spent the day sitting in a chair worrying and figuring out what to do if I flunked out of law school) I should have let him know I was open to reconcilliation, but didn't. And now I feel like I am too proud to do so, even now, because I don't want to know what's going on with him because it's going to hurt like hell if I look at his facebook or contact him and I don't get the response I want. (I am also pretty damn proud that I've stayed away from him, stayed *mostly* NC and haven't outright begged. Because I am a woman who has self respect, and tries to maintain some dignity.) But, I still I don't feel like I did everything I could have, and made a mistake by calling it "mutual".

 

It kills me because I feel I can't do anything about the situation now.

 

And I know that he is the person who always needs to be right. Even if someone else is right, he needs to be "right-er", and have the last word. And he can't stand it when he is wrong. So even if he made a mistake by leaving, I don't think he would ever admit it, because I would hold him accountable for it. (And to some extent, I don't think it's a mistake, because it was a better solution than what we were doing at the time.... which wasn't working.) So if he regretted it theoretically, he's too proud to ask for me back. And I am too proud to beg, because it was HIS mistake that he dumped me.

 

I don't know what to do other than to vent on here because I feel confused, sad, and enraged, and don't know what to do, but what I am doing right now doesn't exactly seem to be helping with either Plan A (Getting the Hell Over Him), or Plan B (Getting Over Him But Not Getting Over Him and Hoping He Sees the Errors of His Ways, Maybe All I Want is A Frickin' Apology).

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You don't have to act like you're okay with the breakup. You have a right to feel anger and betrayal. You can feel how you feel, and it's okay. It doesn't make you more mature to accept it and want him to be happy. No sane person would after 3 years and him having a new girlfriend so quickly. I'd be pissed.

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Well, I just feel confused, sad, and angry. It feels rather animalistic, and I hate this general emotional feeling because it feels uncontrollable. I hate being angry with people, because too frequently I am angry and disappointed with myself, and that's just how it's been lately. I don't feel like I should be angry. I don't feel like I tried hard enough, and I don't know whether I am trying hard enough now to get where ever it is I need to be, or even if what I am doing is working to help get me there. Where ever "there" is.

 

It's the confusion and the general feeling of the lack of control that's the worst part, really.

 

I don't even know what's triggering these emotions!

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EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE!

 

I am planning again. I have got to stop doing that. The little bro is not a source, and he's not going to be a source in a few months, either.

 

I have got to admit LS, I am afraid I may cross paths with him in a few months just because we both like free beer and we both go to the same university. It'll be around the same time of year we first met-to the day almost. It scares me.

 

I just need to get a EXPLETIVE! grip on myself.

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I saw an article I really wanted to send him. I thought about editing it a bit to make it a bit more tailored for him, and then have a mutual friend slip it under his door when he wasn't there. He hasn't seen nor heard from me in several months, so if it's not signed, he couldn't possibly know it came from me, right?

 

The jury's still out on this one. It would be like a goodbye letter, but not a letter.

 

I don't think it would accomplish anything. I just keep thinking back to our relationship, and I know how good I was for him. Hell, he wasn't good enough for me. I looked past everything, thinking I'd find a way to make it work because I thought I had a connection that was so deep and true and pure that it was worth a sacrifice here and there. Now I wonder if I will ever find anything like that, because it's hard for me to open up to people.

 

Everything just hurts.

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Had another dream about my ex last night. It was early on in the night, so, the details are gone, but all I know is I ended up telling him no when he asked for me back. All I remember is: "You deserve me." "No I don't deserve you. I deserve better."

 

Think it may have been related to me lying in bed trying to fall asleep and relating all the times he wasn't really there for me.

 

I feel like it may be progress. Decided to take a bit of a dating break until the end of the semester, so I can focus on schoolwork.

 

Have a good day, all.

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You will find someone whose love and passion for you will burn until their last breath. I know that because what is, is. He is probably sitting at his desk right now at work wondering who will be the woman who will love him deeply, let him watch Friday night sports and cook for him when he comes home late from a meeting.

 

He is thinking Where is the woman who he can hug and kiss and cuddle and be home with. Be able to talk openly and honestly with about anything from the Ukraine to Game of Thrones. The one who would be the envy of all his mates between the sheets and who he will look at with new love and lust every morning when he wakes up next to her.

 

Then one day he will be ordering his double shot macchiato and there you are standing waiting for (insert order). He will have found you and because he knows you are the one he has been looking for he will approach and the rest will be.

 

Heads up it is going to get a whole lot better.

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Thanks man, that really made my morning. I'm trying to come to terms with love, and loving fully and passionately. It's tough when you feel that way towards someone, feel like you truly understand them. and they do not feel the same way in return. Because when you feel a love like that, it doesn't just do wonders for them, it does wonders for you as well, because you know you have the capacity to feel so intensely towards another human being and want to do anything and everything in your power to support them as they walk through life, and when you want to be able to have them as a part of the rest of your life, and they don't.... well... you wonder if it will ever be enough for anyone else, and if that someone else ever feels that way towards you, will they have that feeling for the next 50-80 years?

 

Life is such a crapshoot.

 

PS: One of my recently married friends posted this: http://www.tressugar.com/Benefits-Being-Relationship-Your-20s-34515591

 

I almost broke down, broke NC, and asked for him back. Perhaps fortunately, I want to demand respect, so I am not going to beg for something from someone who's rejected me.

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One of my mutual facebook friends made a picture post tagged with my ex's new girlfriend on it. I had to look at her picture (it was crappy so I couldn't get a good look at her anyway) and I inadvertently learned something about her. (I am pretty good at connecting dots, for this it kind of sucks, because my mind automatically goes. Oh, A, so B.)

 

It doesn't matter, but NO. Dumb ass. I decided to block her, but since she has a common name, I needed to figure out which [ex's new gf name] was her account. So I had to click on it. For a second. Since relationships are shown at the top, I saw he's still with her. Duh. No surprise. Still hurts.

 

I blocked her so I don't have to see her. I can't believe I didn't do it a long time ago. My ex is still on restricted profile, so all he gets to see is my facebook picture if he needs to look at me. I have not looked at his profile in a couple months.

 

God, I feel like sh-t that seeing something about the new girlfriend inadverently, and then trying to do something to protect my feelings made me feel like sh-t. I feel like I fail at self preservation.

 

Anyone have any suggestions that I can do to make this sh-tty feeling stop?

 

No contact, no contact, no contact...

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I want to tell my ex that I loved him unconditionally, and I hope he knows what he lost.

 

I feel like this unconditional love thing is getting in the way of healing, like if he were to come back, I would have such a hard time telling him no. Because even when we fought and had our bad days, I still loved him, and didn't want to let him go. I only became ambivalent about the relationship at the end because I was unsure of his feelings for me and where he wanted his life to go, so I let him dictate... and here we are.

 

I REALLY want to tell him that, and only that. Still a little over a month nc. What the f-ck does it matter. It accomplishes nothing.

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Yes NC does help. I'm sorry you are hurting but it takes time to get over a 3 year relationship. Someone once said it takes half the time of the relationship to get over it. I don't want to scare you thinking you have 1.5 more years of this feeling; but it does get easier as time passes.

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Thanks. Hopefully it won't be that long. Hopefully when other things start looking up, this will start to fade as well.

 

I have to say, I look forward to the day I can finally close the door on him. Every day, I hope that day is today. Every day, I am proven wrong, somehow.

But one day.

 

Thankfully, he is letting me be. I do not want him back. What I do want is for the pain to fade.

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I am going to post this question on here because social media contact is LC's cousin, I think. Indirect contact. (IDC)

 

I've gone through a lot of ho humming about what to do about my ex on facebook. I didn't initially go through the hoops of removing him from my close friends list or unfollowing him, so I got bombarded by him and his life for about six weeks following the break up. (And it wrecked me.) Finally, I just unfollowed him in February, and put him on restricted profile about a month ago, meaning all he gets to see is my profile picture and my name. To some extent that is liberating, because I can make all the posts I want without him peering into my life. (Mostly, I just post humorous one liners or snark about current events. Maybe once or twice a day, if I have good content. I don't go out much because of my schedule.)

 

Since then, I've waivered back and forth about making certain posts public (like me out doing cool philanthropic things) or taking him off restricted profile entirely.

 

The waivering is because a little part of me still wants him back, and hopes that when he sees me being funny, or a picture of me out doing something cool, he'll be like: "Oh..." and miss me and want me back.

 

I've been NC otherwise since the breakup, and have no intention of contacting him through text, phone, letter, singing telegram, carrier pigeon, or smoke signal.

 

I'm sick of this damn waivering. Anyone got any thoughts on it? I need a little perspective because of the ambivalence.

 

Edit: Sorry to the moderators who have to keep moving my posts! I'm just trying to venture out a bit, and I thought I was in the right place!

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Hi friends.

 

The ex has been on my mind again, if you hadn't noticed. I can't help but re-hash it all out in my head.

 

September

 

We had a fight in September 2013, where he was acting like an ass to me, and I didn't handle it well. It was probably the second time in the relationship where we had a disagreement that impacted a whole evening. There was a run in with someone from his past he hated, and he stormed out of the restaurant we were at. But it was the first time I felt some boundaries had been violated, and I felt nervous to be with him as volatile as he was acting. I told him he embarrassed me and embarrassed himself. (Never do that, people.) The next day, we talked it through, and I apologized to him for not communicating well, but he didn't apologize to me. The rest of September seemed okay, we were on good terms and had a good time like we always did.

 

October

 

Everything was fine until about mid-late October, when he did something and it screwed up our ability to be intimate. He also tells me he doesn't like to kiss. I'm like "WTF, but ok," but really I am dejected. He also gets upset about a friend who passed away the year before, like "he couldn't do anything about it, and wished he could have at the time", and is mopey for about three weeks. I try to be supportive, and tell him he can't blame himself, because to have guilt like that will eat you up.

 

At this point, he mentions wanting to join the paper. (Enter paper girl, in the shadows, stage left.)

 

November

 

We go out at one point, (he's having some issues at his bank, won't solve them, and I pay for dinner for the third time in three weeks. I don't mention this to him, but it's info for hindsight) and he mentions an interest in going into a public health program. I think that's awesome. He mentions that he's thinking about doing "Movember", I tell him I prefer him with another facial hair style, hoping he will get the hint.

 

The next day, he tells me he has to put off graduating for a semester. I told him that I was working hard so I could transfer wherever he wanted to go. He told me just to do my own thing, and don't worry about him. I tell him that it kind of makes me happy he's staying around, though. He seems forlorn. He decides to do the ugly facial hair. He calls one evening, and I ask him to please shave it for the law school thing, I don't like it at all and I find it unattractive. (Because it just makes him look sad.) He tells me no. I tell him if having the thing makes him feel better, it's just whatever, because I want him to be happy more than anything.

 

I go to the counsellor to ask what to do about him, because I feel something's afoot.

 

We go to a law school thing, (I paid for it. Not cheap.) I have a blast, and he just seems to get bored and upset late in the evening, but I am exhausted and want to go home. It's a silent drive back to my place, but I think nothing of it.

 

The next week, I get the "we have to talk", and we have two such talks about two weeks apart. I don't really remember the content of it, I just remember it being emotional and I think he's going to walk out on me. A lot of the things he said didn't really seem to make sense.

 

We have three other dates I can recall.

We have maybe one good date (I cooked him dinner, he was grumpy), a date where I fall asleep in the middle of a movie we were watching together (he got mad about that. I was tired, the movie was boring. It didn't matter, but it's more about being together, really.), and one where he just shows up pissed off at me, followed by an awkward dinner, and going back to his "hole", where he's stuck his mattress on the tile floor. He tries to give me a massage, but I kind of break down because I feel so stressed out with school, and him being not himself, and not wanting "be there". Everything just felt weird and uncomfortable, and I couldn't pinpoint why. I don't remember if I told him that something feels off.

 

He leaves for Thanksgiving. Nothing. I text him Happy Thanksgiving, while I am studying.

 

His computer dies over Thanksgiving break, and he loses everything the week before finals because he hadn't backed anything up.

 

He calls me after one of my finals, and I go take him out to eat. He is sad and miserable, and not wanting to engage me at all. He starts a fight when I try to leave to study, and starts ranting about his broken computer. I tell him I wish I could do something about it, but I couldn't. Cue two hour long conversation/fight. It ends when he tells me he's not interested at all in anything I study, not law, not business, not economics. I finally cry, because I'd never told him that I'm not interested in his area of study. Instead, I'd always tried to encourage and engage him. He goes on a tirade about how he's all about [his thing], and I finally cut in with a "Well, unfortunately, that's gone. You're not organized." (Four years of study, and he has no portfolio of published work or awards. He has a mess of unfinished projects, and has not taken the GRE, even though he wants to go into academia. I got two awards for academic papers in three years of undergrad. I had my act together and made it into law school. It doesn't matter, because I was pissed at him for not being very considerate of what I felt and what my needs were, espcially when I couldn't help him with his thing, I was sorry, but I needed to get back to work. Oh, and he hadn't been very nice at all during the last month.) I immediately regret it and immediately apologize, and say that I should leave to go finish studying.

 

I invite him over to hang out the next week. He declines, and I try to communicate through text over the next few days. Nothing.

 

And then the break up happens the next Friday. He said he'd been thinking about it for a couple weeks. In my head I'm like "How can you have time to think?". But I say ok, call it mutual, and after two hours, he goes on his way. (Exit stage left.)

 

I've just been wondering, how after 3 wonderful years, two and a half months can just ruin it.

 

Thoughts appreciated. Thanks for reading.

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He comes across as very unstable. It also seems like he wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were during those three and a half months. Based on what you wrote, he didn't appreciate you the way you deserved to be appreciated. You cooked him dinner, tried to engage in conversation with him, and he responded without gratitude or any sign of interest. A partner would take interest in your area of study; even if they're not inherently interested in it, they'd be interested in how it's a part of your life.

 

You deserve way better treatment than this, elsea. I'm sure that the first three years were wonderful. He sounds like he has a lot of inner chaos, and you seem rather stable. It was hard for you, but from reading this post alone, it seems like a real blessing that the relationship ended. I hope that if you aren't able to see that now, that you will soon.

 

As for Facebook, delete/block him.

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Sooshi, I do see it, each and every day. It's really astounding how many people have come out of the woodwork and told me that I was lucky to get away from him and they didn't know how I was able to put up with him for as long as I did. (Answer: love.)

 

I think at this point I'm just trying to see the psychology of it and prevent something like it from happening again. (I mean, I was trying to meet his needs as best I could.) As someone who has sympathy for what he was going through, had lots of love, and really just failed to communicate... I just don't know. I feel very much like I could just never be good enough.

 

It just amazes me how he can move on to someone new in such a state of instability. I'd think that would be the last thing you'd want... but he told me that he wanted someone a bit more like him. (What a mess that would be.) And what's weird is that he seems to have regained stability to some extent, I don't know.

 

Block/Delete. So hard to do. Read it a million times. But reading over these last post I realize that since he's on restricted, he can only see what people who aren't my facebook friends see. I am not looking at his posts or his profile. It just makes me feel weird when I see him online at the same time as me. How do I fix that? De-friend.

When you break up with someone, you essentially say: "I am ready to have you out of my life 100% forever." The only reason I am hanging on, I think, is that teeny tiny hope for reconciliation (DAMN YOU WHY WON'T YOU DIE?), and to spare the "Why did you de-friend me?" drama, should I ever see him again.

 

But, hell. I don't want to know what he's thinking, what he's doing. Who he's hanging out with. What he's taking pictures of. I only really have most of my friends around so I can keep tabs on who's dating who or who's engaged or graduating so I can wish them well. I am not doing that anymore, nor do I care about that. Hm. So, benefits of removing him: I get to see when he wants to reconnect with me. Cons: Eh? Feeling bad? Hmm...

 

Thanks for your thoughts, it helps immensely to have people to vent to.

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Okay guys. I did it. I de-friended him. Goodbye. I feel amazingly relieved.

 

Let's get on with life. :)

 

A song:

 

Edited by elseaacych
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