Been dating a 'nice guy', but there's a lack of excitement/physical attraction?

[paigej91]

This is very difficult to say and depends on the individual. I think, ultimately, it depends on how high of a priority physical attributes are to you. If too high, his lack of attractiveness will bother you indefinitely and the relationship in constant imbalance.

 

THREAD TOPIC (don't read the title):

So people who have a lower priority for physical attributes often develop physical attraction over time. What makes this phenomenon occur, exactly?

[KathyM]

I actually know a lot of Average Joes that very attractive women are in a relationship with. At first glance, I would wonder what she sees in him, but upon getting to know the guy, I can see why they were attracted. Other qualities besides the physical can create romantic attraction, such as charm or humor, and once someone is attracted to those other qualities, they see the person as a whole that is attractive to them. I would give it more time if I were you.

[carhill]

So people who have a lower priority for physical attributes often develop physical attraction over time. What makes this phenomenon occur, exactly?

 

IMO, the best couple to answer that question is that 'old' couple who's been married forever, both looking like a couple of slumped over wrinkled prunes and can often be caught holding hands like teenagers and looking into each other's eyes like they just met and connected.

 

I saw this a lot as a caregiver watching spouses care for their demented partners and that crossed gender lines, meaning the behavior was no more common in men than women, or vice-versa.

 

IME, not yet being that 'old' nor having had that life marriage of love, though I was married for a good while, intimacy and emotional bonding over time 'grew' attraction. IMO, that's a style, one of many valid styles of interpersonal interaction.

 

I can reflect on a recent (last year) interaction which exemplified my style; encountered an employee of a customer who seemed to rise above the page, not in looks, but in how she behaved and interacted with me. Caught my attention. Time and interaction caused that attention to change focus from interaction to hmm, she's a quite attractive young lady. I started noticing physical features which indicated sexual interest from myself. The dynamic 'grew'. As is customary in my demographic, she turned out to be married (no ring), so now we have an ongoing mutually satisfying friendship and their cats get the food my finicky old fart cat won't eat.

 

This has been consistent throughout my life. I've tried to 'change' it to a more rapid and/or initially superficial style but failed repeatedly. That style doesn't match up with my innate wiring.

 

Respect your wiring. If you are wired to respond immediately to a man's presence sexually and emotionally, you are. BTW, that's very common IME! Most women I've met are like that. Don't sweat it. Do what you do. You'll meet a man who matches up. Plenty of time.

[ltjg45]

I have no true long-term relationship experience, just modern day dating for long periods of time without the title. This is part of the reason I was questioning myself- I may need to change my standards. When I feel strong physical attraction and sparks right away, the guy is usually someone who makes many woman feel like that.

 

Anyway, I've made my decision. Contrary to the majority, I'm going to be blunt with him, so he won't feel led on. But I am going to wait a bit and see if things become better in that realm because it seems like they could.

 

Then I can't blame you for your decision then. In fact, that sounds like an educated risk on your part due to the lack of long-term relationship success on your end so you don't know if he can excite you once the initial period is over. Even more so, he may not know how to turn on a woman so you may need to "unlock" that from him. Not all males is capable of doing this without help, unfortunately.

 

In a way, I would have waited a bit longer before letting go myself if I was in your position.

 

I hope it works out for you nonetheless.

[StanMusial]

I actually know a lot of Average Joes that very attractive women are in a relationship with. At first glance, I would wonder what she sees in him, but upon getting to know the guy, I can see why they were attracted. Other qualities besides the physical can create romantic attraction, such as charm or humor, and once someone is attracted to those other qualities, they see the person as a whole that is attractive to them. I would give it more time if I were you.

 

It's about having similar goals and being smart in your life.

 

My buddy looks like a younger version of Thurston Howell from Gilligan's Island (sort of talks like him too lol) and his wife is gorgeous. That's her man, bitches better step off.

 

It's like a whole other world online. Everyone is judging each other's "hotness" in two dimensional photos and numerical scales and dating 100's of people in rapid succession and leading a generally vapid existence.

[quidproquo89]

Yeah this is the problem with society today. Break it off with him, your prince charming will come along someday. Just when you think you've found him, he pumps and dumps you for a better looking girl. Then you'll be on here creating another thread Titled "I thought he was the one, then he just dumped me." LMAO

 

I think were all domed to die alone lol.

he's got a point, could you be overcomplicating this?

[pteromom]

 

But this is completely off topic- let's go back to my original question about developing more attraction for someone once you know him/her better. What needs to be there initially for this to happen?

 

You need to be able to find the guy objectively attractive. Like you can't be turned off by his lips or his body shape or something.

 

But if you think he's attractive and he's just not turning you on, THAT can certainly grow over time. And if it does, it will be something much more real than just someone you are hot over who you have nothing else in common with.

 

I would give it a little time. And I would make sure that you are having real conversation on your dates...not just superficial stuff, but conversation about who you are, what you want, what you've been through, etc. See if you can build a connection there.

[GemmaUK]

But this is completely off topic- let's go back to my original question about developing more attraction for someone once you know him/her better. What needs to be there initially for this to happen?

 

I have developed more attraction for men once I have spent a bit of time and we have each opened up with each other..but that isn't all.

I also need for the feeling of him being near me to make me feel excited.

Pheromones, height, build, eye contact, facial and body gestures and all of that make the difference to me.

If I had been on four dates and wasn't feeling some sexual tension from these things by this point they aren't going to grow on me.

The guy is just a friend if I don't feel anything.

 

This also is how I feel:

This isn't about him being nice, it is about him being boring, too easily conquered

G

(sorry for cutting some of your post Grumps).

This is something which plagues me with men I have dated in the last few years. Too easily conquered is boring for me.

I want to feel some uncertainty - it's fun for me!

I want to wonder where he is and what he is doing.

I don't want them to be happy to drop everything for me.

I want them to have their own lives and interests and not seem to make 'me' their 'hobby'.

From my experience many men who are keen would be much more interesting if they weren't in my face every moment of the day. With texts though..they can be in my face whenever they want.

 

There is no passion without risk..and I like a bit of risk. If there is no risk my passion will shrivel up and die!

[somedude81]

This is part of the reason I was questioning myself- I may need to change my standards. When I feel strong physical attraction and sparks right away, the guy is usually someone who makes many woman feel like that.

It's very interesting that you made that observation. Many women tend to pretend that it's not the case or outright deny it.

 

Though it really is. Women are very similar in their tastes in men. If one women finds a guy very attractive, most likely so do many other women. And of course when a guy knows that he is desired by many women, most likely he will take advantage of the situation.

 

Unless you enjoy sharing men, then you really should try to find something attractive about a guy who isn't "classically handsome." The same goes for guys that are very smooth.

Edited March 21, 2014 by somedude81

[KathyM]

It's very interesting that you made that observation. Many women tend to pretend that it's not the case or outright deny it.

 

Though it really is. Women are very similar in their tastes in men. If one women finds a guy very attractive, most likely so do many other women. And of course when a guy knows that he is desired by many women, most likely he will take advantage of the situation.

 

Unless you enjoy sharing men, then you really should try to find something attractive about a guy who isn't "classically handsome." The same goes for guys that are very smooth.

I would not agree that handsomeness has anything to do with character. Or that charm has anything to do with character. You are implying in your post that physical attractiveness in a man, or charm, is going to lead to cheating or womanizing, and that's just not the case. Handsomeness has nothing to do with character. There is nothing wrong with desiring to be with or being attracted to a handsome man. Bad behavior in a man is a character issue, not a physical attractiveness issue or a charm issue. I know many men who are attractive and/or charming, and are very loyal and faithful husbands or boyfriends. But I do agree with the posters that you may be missing out on someone really great, whom you can develop a physical attraction to, if you rule them out immediately simply because their physical attributes are not immediately a turn on.

[Snow101]

Ditch this boring guy, you don't want that! Find the nearest bad boy biker outlaw type that is hot and shack up with him instead. And get yourself all crazy over him even though he cheats on you and treats you like dirt. But god, he's exciting and all that jail time and bar crawling sure makes him "unavailable" and mysterious and so damn hot. Find yourself in a cycle of pain and drama and never ever stop going crazy for this guy. It works so well for so many other women.

 

God I'm bitter. Sorry

[KathyM]

It's about having similar goals and being smart in your life.

 

My buddy looks like a younger version of Thurston Howell from Gilligan's Island (sort of talks like him too lol) and his wife is gorgeous. That's her man, bitches better step off.

 

It's like a whole other world online. Everyone is judging each other's "hotness" in two dimensional photos and numerical scales and dating 100's of people in rapid succession and leading a generally vapid existence.

Yes, online dating favors the attractive, and many potentially great partners are often ruled out without being given a chance, when only their photo is used to judge a person. Although I do know several men who were Average Joes, but met their SO through online dating, so it's not always only about the photo.

[somedude81]

I would not agree that handsomeness has anything to do with character. Or that charm has anything to do with character. You are implying in your post that physical attractiveness in a man, or charm, is going to lead to cheating or womanizing, and that's just not the case.

A very handsome man will have more opportunities to be a womanizer. I would also say that most men that are womanizers are handsome.

 

No, not all really good looking guys are womanizers or just want sex, but there is greater risk there.

 

 

Handsomeness has nothing to do with character. There is nothing wrong with desiring to be with or being attracted to a handsome man. Bad behavior in a man is a character issue, not a physical attractiveness issue or a charm issue. I know many men who are attractive and/or charming, and are very loyal and faithful husbands or boyfriends.

Where they always like that?

 

I'd imagine that the really good looking and charming guys you knew, slept around a lot when they were younger.

 

But I do agree with the posters that you may be missing out on someone really great, whom you can develop a physical attraction to, if you rule them out immediately simply because their physical attributes are not immediately a turn on.

At least we agree here

[AD1980]

Women are every bit as visual and into looks as men are its a myth that they aren in fact id argue women have a much stricter view of whats good looking then men do.

 

As a man if a womens not physically attracted to you then move on chances are slim to none that you can change that if a women is physically attracted to you shell give you every chance to prove yourself and show sings of interest right away

[isisisweeping]

physical attraction does grow for me... but I'd ask,

 

 

how much have you done with him physically (that helps I think, kissing etc) and how much have you invested in him? that helps, too. People see it as something the other person has a responsibility for, but based on how you choose to think about him and look forward to, and actions you take, can impact it.

 

 

I'm not saying always, but it works very well for me.

[KathyM]

A very handsome man will have more opportunities to be a womanizer.

True.

I would also say that most men that are womanizers are handsome.

Also true. Most womanizers are handsome and can attract women with their looks. But most handsome men are not womanizers. That is the assumption you made that I was objecting to.

No, not all really good looking guys are womanizers or just want sex, but there is greater risk there.

A person needs to take into account a person's character, values, attitudes, etc., to determine if the guy is likely to be faithful or remain faithful. You can't assume that, just because he is good looking, he is likely to be unfaithful. If you made that assumption, and rejecting him for that reason, you could be missing out on a great guy that is good looking AND has good character and likely to remain faithful. People shouldn't make assumptions about someone's character based on physical attractiveness.

 

 

Where they always like that?

 

I'd imagine that the really good looking and charming guys you knew, slept around a lot when they were younger.

Most of the good looking and charming guys I know are loyal and faithful husbands or boyfriends who did not sleep around a lot, but kept sex within an exclusive relationship. They didn't engage in casual sex. These guys believe in monogamy. I do know some men who are the type you describe (goodlooking, charming, womanizers or cheaters), but I know many men who are goodlooking and charming who are faithful and make good husbands or boyfriends. My point being that you can't assume the guy will cheat or be a womanizer just because he is good looking or charming.

[KathyM]

Women are every bit as visual and into looks as men are its a myth that they aren in fact id argue women have a much stricter view of whats good looking then men do.

 

As a man if a womens not physically attracted to you then move on chances are slim to none that you can change that if a women is physically attracted to you shell give you every chance to prove yourself and show sings of interest right away

You discount all the other ways women can be attracted or develop an attraction. If all the Average Joes I know never made the attempt to get to know the women they are with, just because there was not an immediate physical attraction on the woman's part, they would not be enjoying the relationships they have right now. Attraction can develop, and it's not always immediate physical attraction. But when women become attracted to other qualities in a man, his physical attractiveness is often seen as better in her eyes, and she becomes attracted to the whole person. I know a woman who recently married a man I would call an Average Joe. She keeps raving about how attractive he is. I just don't see it, but to her, his other great qualities make him very attractive to her. It's kind of like the halo effect in reverse. (The halo effect is when you attribute many other qualities to a person just because they are attractive. In this case, they consider the person attractive because of the other great qualities he has.) My niece would also be a good example of this. She is a very attractive woman who is about to marry an Average Joe. She was attracted to his charm and because he treated her so well and had such a great personality. She keeps flaunting pictures of them as a couple as if he was the best looking man on earth. Women would not find him physically attractive at all, but many women are attracted to his personality.

[somedude81]

True.

 

Also true. Most womanizers are handsome and can attract women with their looks. But most handsome men are not womanizers. That is the assumption you made that I was objecting to.

But I wasn't making that assumption.

 

As I later stated, I was talking about the risk.

A person needs to take into account a person's character, values, attitudes, etc., to determine if the guy is likely to be faithful or remain faithful. You can't assume that, just because he is good looking, he is likely to be unfaithful. If you made that assumption, and rejecting him for that reason, you could be missing out on a great guy that is good looking AND has good character and likely to remain faithful. People shouldn't make assumptions about someone's character based on physical attractiveness.

I wasn't talking about cheating at all. Being unfaithful didn't even cross my mind when I made my posts.

 

The point that I was trying to make is that the guys who are very good looking, have many opportunities to sleep around and may be less interested in an exclusive committed relationship.

 

Many, many men want to engage in no strings casual relationships and want to sleep with a variety of women. That is the nature of man. The men who are very good looking will have an easier time of fulfilling that desire.

Most of the good looking and charming guys I know are loyal and faithful husbands or boyfriends who did not sleep around a lot, but kept sex within an exclusive relationship. They didn't engage in casual sex. These guys believe in monogamy. I do know some men who are the type you describe (goodlooking, charming, womanizers or cheaters), but I know many men who are goodlooking and charming who are faithful and make good husbands or boyfriends. My point being that you can't assume the guy will cheat or be a womanizer just because he is good looking or charming.

I'm surprised that they didn't engage in casual sex. Many men would do so if the opportunity was there. It's probably because of the type of people that you associate with, that you didn't associate with those men.

[KathyM]

Moral of the story: Don't judge a person by their physical appearance alone, or you may miss out on a really great partner. Don't expect there will always be instantaneous sparks. Sometimes they take time to develop.

[carhill]

I'll underscore the OP's challenges:

 

"The problem is, I've not especially excited by him physically."

 

She acknowledges all his positive attributes first and then puts that last. Ever put the key in the ignition and crank the engine and there's nothing? Crank and crank until the battery goes dead and it doesn't fire? Yep, you're just sitting there, not going anywhere, even though it's a wonderful car.

 

"I also don't have to "work" for him to like me- he's already really into me and I'm honestly not sure how I feel since I just met him. "

 

I have no interest in being in a club that will have me.

 

Is it possible to change these aspects of personality? Yes! Is it wise? Unknown. Each person is different.

 

OP, from my own anecdote of marriage, I did meet a lady online, oh now about 15 years ago or so, and she grew on me while we dated and I fell in love with her and asked her to marry me. Looking at the reality of things, and listening to your story, I can see parallels. The risk? That the 'foundation' isn't there when the storms of life threaten to tear the fabric of the relationship apart. If a person is wired to *require* that deep and immediate attraction and they ignore it and try to grow it organically, they risk 'thinking' the relationship instead of 'feeling' it. That, unfortunately, was the dx in our case. I was shocked when our MC asked why we thought we should ever having gotten married. What followed was quite revealing.

 

Stick to your guns. You'll meet someone who fires on all cylinders for you. IMO, it's healthier for you, as well as being healthier for him. Good luck!

[KathyM]

But I wasn't making that assumption.

You said if the guy is handsome, he will most likely take advantage of that and that she would have to share the man. You assumed that because he was good looking and/or charming, that he would be a womanizer or a cheater.

As I later stated, I was talking about the risk.

True, you later qualified your comment as there being a greater risk. My point is that character/values/attitudes is what will likely determine whether he is or will be a womanizer or cheater, and that is the measure that should be used. To jump to the conclusion that he will cheat or is a womanizer just because he is good looking will rule out a lot of guys who are good looking AND have good character.

I wasn't talking about cheating at all. Being unfaithful didn't even cross my mind when I made my posts.

You talked about sharing a man. If you were only referring to the handsome man as likely not wanting to date exclusively, then I'd say you were wrong about that also. Most of the good looking men I know are in exclusive relationships and are faithful.

The point that I was trying to make is that the guys who are very good looking, have many opportunities to sleep around and may be less interested in an exclusive committed relationship.

Most of the good looking guys I know are in an exclusive committed relationship.

Many, many men want to engage in no strings casual relationships and want to sleep with a variety of women. That is the nature of man. The men who are very good looking will have an easier time of fulfilling that desire.

Most of the good looking men I know want or have an exclusive monogamous relationship and are not interested in casual sex.

I'm surprised that they didn't engage in casual sex. Many men would do so if the opportunity was there. It's probably because of the type of people that you associate with, that you didn't associate with those men.

 

 

I don't think you give men enough credit. I know men from all walks of life and many different backgrounds. Different religions. Some with no religion, or atheists. Men prefer a loving, caring, exclusive relationship. Both handsome men and Average Joes. Men want to be cared for and cared about. They don't prefer casual sex with strangers or people they don't really care about. They prefer a loving relationship with a woman who cares about them.

[Phantom888]

Don't settle. If there is not enough excitement emotionally or physically, move on. There are plenty of nice guys who will make you have butterflies in your stomach. Don't settle for less.

[somedude81]

I don't think you give men enough credit. I know men from all walks of life and many different backgrounds. Different religions. Some with no religion, or atheists. Men prefer a loving, caring, exclusive relationship. Both handsome men and Average Joes. Men want to be cared for and cared about. They don't prefer casual sex with strangers or people they don't really care about. They prefer a loving relationship with a woman who cares about them.

The difference between you and I, is that I'm a man. I also know what men talk about when women aren't around.

 

You and other women can believe what you want about men.

 

Frankly, I find it very amusing that women are defending men against my statements that many men like casual sex. It's the female version of "White Knight."

[StanMusial]

The difference between you and I, is that I'm a man. I also know what men talk about when women aren't around.

 

You and other women can believe what you want about men.

 

Frankly, I find it very amusing that women are defending men against my statements that many men like casual sex. It's the female version of "White Knight."

 

I will concur.

 

It's not like they're going to let on.

 

Many go to great pains to project a sterling reputation.

 

The only proven good looking guys I know that didn't get around quite a bit either married really young or were religious.

 

The ones I ran with, well, if the walls could talk...

[xxoo]

A man doesn't have to be really good looking to spark that wonderful physical attraction and desire. Men are as bad at understanding what sort of men women like as women are at understanding what men like.

 

But if it's not there with this guy, it's not there. It's not going to get better, and that important ingredient will always be missing. Free him so that you can each meet someone who really lights you up.