Author VanillaLife Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Maybe I've been reading threads here for too long, but this whole thing has stressed me out. Of course they were sleeping together. I really hate to even write that, but nobody meets up at a park and ride to talk...not if there is nothing going on, you can talk in public if you aren't hiding anything. appreciate i was stupid on this point. hey i tried to keep a clear head through all this but it's not been easy. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 appreciate i was stupid on this point. hey i tried to keep a clear head through all this but it's not been easy. I know...I absolutely do not envy you or your situation. I am in a marriage headed south myself, without infidelity involved and none of it is easy. Hang in there, keep posting. You will get through this, whether that be reconciling with your wife or moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 appreciate i was stupid on this point. hey i tried to keep a clear head through all this but it's not been easy. Definitely not easy. You should be thankful you found this forum so quickly. I really wish I would have found it sooner because it offers great advice (some I have chosen not to listen to) I'm not going to judge you or your wife. Hope things work out if that's what you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 The hardest thing about infidelity is the realization that you no longer trust the person you thought had your back. The second realization is that the statistics that she'll cheat again are 4 to 1 against you once they've cheated on you once. How do you get back to feeling safe with her again because even when you thought you were safe she was conspiring with another man against you. She risked everything to do this than found out she was just a strange piece to him and nothing more. She brought this on herself but your stuck with all the fallout. Having to police your wife is not part of your responsibility as her husband, you can't be with her 24 hours a day. She needs to change the way she copes with boundaries or your marriage will never work. This is why independent counselling for her is important, marriage counselling won't work if she is still broken. Stay strong because it usually gets worse before it gets better and reconciliation is a long hard road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 What consequences has she had with you since her cheating was exposed? What is your plan moving forward? A plan that looks out for your best interest...? Being sad she's lost contact with her OM is not a consequence with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Heck this time I might be happy to stray myself. Don't get down to a cheater's level. You can't climb back up from that pit. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Alright folks after playing it so straight all week last night it all came to a head. I confronted her about it. We had a long, civil, emotional and reasonable conversation about where we are at, how we got here, and what might happen going forward. I have said either we work on fixing the marriage or we get divorced. I found out that they have not yet had sex, so her position is better than I thought, though still not great (I can still pursue Alienation of Affection but not Criminal Conversation) Obviously this was a heart over head move by me, but I had spoken with some friends in the day and they asked if I thought there was any hope for the marriage. That changed my view point significantly as ultimately I would want us to survive this. At this point after the conversation I'd say it's 80-20 whether it works, with the 80 being it doesn't. But at least I will be able to live knowing I tried. Oh and it turns out the OM is also in a sexless marriage. Much longer than we have been. I really don't care from my perspective but it just makes me wonder how common this might be... Actually my mistake. She did not SAY there had not been sex. I had seen some of their messages and from those interpreted that there had no been sex. And a lot has happened since then, and it turns out that assumption by me was wrong. However she did not lie about that and in fact once I found out to the contrary (which I did by the way when the OM's wife reached out to me and asked to talk) and confronted her about it she was like "well yeah I thought you knew that?". So yes I was a bit stupid on that front. And I confronted her and we had a big blow up but ultimately I think that may have helped it all. In summary at this point it seems the storm has past. I genuinely thought the OM had a set of balls and was going to put up some sort of fight for my wife and that is why I lawyered up early in prep for a battle. However as soon as he was confronted he capitulated to his wife and is now back under her control. It's actually quite hilarious. I saw a battle ahead and armed myself with the best possible weapons I could find, made sure I understood the technology, the battlefield and where the mines are laid out. But when the fight started, turns out all the enemy brought along was a white flag. There is no doubt my wife has been hugely upset by what happened and I think more upset that she lost this new man than she was upset for betraying the marriage. But then I do think the has seen the strength which I have shown and the utter weakness the OM has shown has changed her view quickly, and I now feel she views him more with pity than love, is remorseful for what she did, and is ready to move on. Her only contact with him since our confrontation on the weekend has been a classic No Contact message from him which looked like something his wife wrote after copying it from a website on a google search. The OM's wife has the OM in a cage. There is still every chance we will end up in divorce. Our marriage has been in desperate shape for the past four years and if we just go back to the old ways then this will have all been in vain. Frankly if that happens I am well aware she will just go back to him or someone else. Heck this time I might be happy to stray myself. But my hope is it is a sufficient wake up call to have us both make a real effort at fixing what we have. For that opportunity I am actually grateful. We can start by having some high quality family, respect and reflection time on our vacation, which is suddenly looking less painful This has been one helluva week! First you state very clearly that they have not yet had sex. Then you state you that you assumed that she hadn't. How could anyone possibly assume no sex when she was clearly sexual with communication with him and then needing to meet up right away? I can't fathom that level of denial! What exactly is she willing to do to set things right FOR YOU? Is she in counseling this week? She should have been there that very day after you found out! She has a TON of soul searching to do! She has earned nothing - except to be handed divorce papers now - so that it either kicks her into high gear to repair what is broken or to be on her own with her broken self. She lost HER choice when she cheated! And you should feel damn mad that she did this to you! And leave her home while you go on a nice vacation! Cheating has consequences and this should be one of them! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 First you state very clearly that they have not yet had sex. Then you state you that you assumed that she hadn't. How could anyone possibly assume no sex when she was clearly sexual with communication with him and then needing to meet up right away? I can't fathom that level of denial! What exactly is she willing to do to set things right FOR YOU? Is she in counseling this week? She should have been there that very day after you found out! She has a TON of soul searching to do! She has earned nothing - except to be handed divorce papers now - so that it either kicks her into high gear to repair what is broken or to be on her own with her broken self. She lost HER choice when she cheated! And you should feel damn mad that she did this to you! And leave her home while you go on a nice vacation! Cheating has consequences and this should be one of them! I think you need to chill out on the guy. He admitted that he was wrong and did, in fact, confirm that it was physical especially after talking to the OMW about it when she said to him, "I thought you knew". THEN, him and his WW had a big blowout over it. So, his eyes are open. But, I do agree with your statement with she lost her choice. You're absolutely right. She was in the driver's seat when she cheated, now he's in the driver's seat as far as where this relationship goes. To the OP, if you're thinking about reconciling with your WW then you might want to think about doing the 180. If you don't know what that is then here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." This might open her eyes to what she's about to lose. That not only has she lost her OM, but her husband is pulling away too and she better do something about it or lose everything she has. This might pull her out of the fog. And if you're heading for a divorce, the 180 will help you to pull away from the marriage. So, if the divorce does happened, it won't be as painful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 First you state very clearly that they have not yet had sex. Then you state you that you assumed that she hadn't. How could anyone possibly assume no sex when she was clearly sexual with communication with him and then needing to meet up right away? I can't fathom that level of denial! What exactly is she willing to do to set things right FOR YOU? Is she in counseling this week? She should have been there that very day after you found out! She has a TON of soul searching to do! She has earned nothing - except to be handed divorce papers now - so that it either kicks her into high gear to repair what is broken or to be on her own with her broken self. She lost HER choice when she cheated! And you should feel damn mad that she did this to you! And leave her home while you go on a nice vacation! Cheating has consequences and this should be one of them!] Don't use his doubts against him..that isn't right to try and influence. At the end of the day..he makes his choices. Forcing never gets anyone anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 I am sorry, but the way this woman has treated this man? She deserves everything she gets. If this woman had any real love for him he would not be in this situation in the first place. You can't imagine your partner would feel this way about you if you treated them with such utter disrespect? What do you feel you would need to do before your partner would feel you did something deserving of this? Someone being a jerk doesn't give us the right or justify us to be a jerk as well. This is why there are rules and laws that have to be followed by everyone, that's why courts decide about these kind of things. The way the OP was conspiring against his wife in a forum with strangers shows me that he didn't have the communication needed in a marriage in the first place. She did something really wrong, yes. But he should talk to her before everything. Anyway I guess that I was wrong cause the OP did confront his wife and she seems to manipulate him really fine. He is just one of these husbands that show how decided and strict and ready for everything they are only in theory. When their wife starts taking the control again, they give in again and they become her subordinative. How sad... And just to get things cleared: I don't oppose to people who actually want to reconcile with their wife after her adultery. I'm happy to hear that people are willing to forgive. What I don't like is people threatening to do this and that, taking advice from people in forums in how to "destroy" their wife and when the wife is confronted them becoming the doormat they obviously always were and doing nothing from the things they threatened to do. I think this is exploitation of the time that people spend replying to the OP. When you threaten to do stuff, have the guts to do them as well, unless you state from the start that the only thing you want to do is vent. Then it's totally ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaLife Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Hey folks so I literally just got back from this huge vacation we took. Just traveled over 9k miles each way. The kids had a fantastic time and that is something I am happy with. Truly an exceptional vacation for them. For my wife and I not so much, I'm tempted to say up and down but it was more flat with intermittent periods of down. There were some nice periods of simple friendship primarily when we were out diving, and we did talk civilly a lot of the time, but also had some fights. Anyway first let me correct a misconception in some of the responses. I did NOT ever want to "destroy" my wife. If you read back my OP I wanted to make sure that if she left with OM then the divorce would be on my terms as best as possible. That still stands today and if we do end up divorced the work I did in that first week will stand me in good stead. And frankly given where we are at right now I am still rating the possibility of divorce very, very high. However it is clear OM is out of the picture. I have the entirety of their communications online available now so I have all the evidence I need of the affair and graphic details to support my alimony rights in any divorce. However now we have ended up in a very bad place and I need to seek help elsewhere here on LS and other areas. Essentially we are in a roles reversed sexless marriage where she is now the with-holder. As best I can tell she is wallowing in self loathing for allowing this guy to play her and is put off the whole idea of sex. Whereas right now I absolutely crave passion back in my life. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to f*** her during this vacation! She was looking so damn hot. So I am having to work through that and whether I should separate with her now and move on or take the risk that we can recover. I am very unclear in my mind where that goes. I think we could make it together, but not under this situation where she won't even hug me and has told me I am not to touch her. It's like she strayed and I'm being punished. I actually would have preferred that she had left to go with him and I'd be dealing with my life going forward than this bizarre situation we are now in. I had some contact on vacay with the OM. I was drunk one night and sent him a pretty explosive text and he called and yadda yadda. It was not very productive. His wife has since reached out to me again. Given we live close to each other and mingle in the same circles it is helpful for her and I to be on the same side in terms of ensuring there is NC between them. Though if we do split, she can do whatever she wants with him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Glad your kids had fun on the vacation.l Your wife does not want you to touch her because she is mourning the loss of the OM. She is devastated that he did not do as he said and she is heart broken. She has not been in touch with him because she has been on vacation. If OM wants to, they will start up again, it is completely up to him. Do you want to go through life policing your wife? Are you willing to go without sex? If you had thrown her out she would more than likely be f--king your brains out trying to get her lifestyle back. Since you pretty much forgave her and rewarded her with a nice vacation she has the upper hand and is going to keep it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Your wife is in a mental place where she is deeply connected to what she thought she COULD HAVE with her OM. That leaves NO ROOM to consider your feelings and re-establishing a connection with you. Consequences NOW = TODAY! Best way! Take her packed bag after you cut off her accessing any money - and place it at the curb! Tell her to get out now. Give her $100 and let her alone with her thought of her OM and how SHE intends to figure out her future. Do NOT rescue her! Consequences make change happen! Do it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaLife Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 I think you folks are right. The only exception is she did say that it would be dishonest to have sex now because, so I don't think she's going to start banging me to keep her lifestyle. We have two amazing kids and I can't just leave her on the side of the street alone. I just can't be that hard. In fact I already bottled once. Last but one day of vacay we had a fight and I told her very clearly that she had to pack her bags as soon as we got home. I backed down the next morning when I'd sobered up. But I actually think that was to make life easier for the journey home. Yes I have ZERO doubt if OM made himself available she'd be with him. I guess I am answering my own questions here but we clearly need to separate here and I need to move on with my life. I have lived without sex for a long time but right now with my emotions and desires as they are, I cannot do it any more and if she doesn't want to I will find someone who does. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Stop thinking you made it this way. She did - and STILL DOES. That's why it makes sense for her to leave now. She's proven she has no intention to set things RIGHT for you and the M - so remove her - like a cancer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaLife Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Stop thinking you made it this way. She did - and STILL DOES. That's why it makes sense for her to leave now. She's proven she has no intention to set things RIGHT for you and the M - so remove her - like a cancer. That just is not possible. For the sake of my children they need a mother who has some stability. And yes she chose to address our issues through an affair but there were serious issues. Not saying what she did was right, but I have a whole family to think of and kicking her out on the street with nothing is not in the best interests of the whole family unit Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 That just is not possible. For the sake of my children they need a mother who has some stability. And yes she chose to address our issues through an affair but there were serious issues. Not saying what she did was right, but I have a whole family to think of and kicking her out on the street with nothing is not in the best interests of the whole family unit Then pack what she needs to set up her new place - pack some furniture and get her set up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaLife Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Then pack what she needs to set up her new place - pack some furniture and get her set up. Yes that is more what I have in mind. I am looking at getting a rental place nearby and move some of the furniture. At the very least she can take the bed they used in our house to f*** each other Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 This really has been her prime opportunity to show you that she values you, the M and the kids above anything else. Yet she hasn't taken your gift you've given her to prove she intends to fix the M and participate like a wife who respects you and honors her vows. The kids will be fine. Adjustments will be made and she will still be their Mom. The disrespect will stop when you take a stand and make sure there is action that shows her bad behavior has created a reaction from you. She's been driving - it's time you take the wheel now since she has steered the M off path. If your new actions leave her head spinning and scrambling to figure out her future = all the better! Don't fix things for her or make things comfy - you hope she's uncomfortable ENOUGH to begin changing and questioning what the heck she's done! A vacation just rewarded her bad behavior - no wonder she isn't having a problem still sulking about her lover boy. Pulling the rug out from under her comfort zone is vital and necessary now - like today. Send her to a hotel if need be - she can find a new place to land in a few days. Expose to family and friends. Reveal truth! If she doesn't like it - well, she shouldn't have done it! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Yes that is more what I have in mind. I am looking at getting a rental place nearby and move some of the furniture. At the very least she can take the bed they used in our house to f*** each other When a spouse has sex in your bed with someone else - the level of hatred and anger is so high to the spouse when they allow that to happen. It seems unforgivable to most. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 By your actions how do you think your wife will come to realize you're not ok with her cheating? What are you planning to do that makes it perfectly clear that she has harmed you? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I would give her a certain amount of money and tell her to go find her own place to live. Whether it be a room, apt or back to her parents. Don't do the work for her. She will sober up once she realizes that her lifestyle is being taken away and you aren't her fainting couch anymore. Nothing kills an affair like reality. The OM might come to her an screw her but that's doubtful because he knows his wife is watching him. Unlike your wife he cares what she thinks and doesn't want to lose his lifestyle. Once your wife thinks you don't want her anymore you will see a change. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I can't believe she did him in your bed. That is just vile, eeeewww! I'd consider putting that out on the curb too! BIG sign - FREE bed - INCLUDES the wife! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Stop thinking you made it this way. She did - and STILL DOES. That's why it makes sense for her to leave now. She's proven she has no intention to set things RIGHT for you and the M - so remove her - like a cancer. Then pack what she needs to set up her new place - pack some furniture and get her set up. When a spouse has sex in your bed with someone else - the level of hatred and anger is so high to the spouse when they allow that to happen. It seems unforgivable to most. By your actions how do you think your wife will come to realize you're not ok with her cheating? What are you planning to do that makes it perfectly clear that she has harmed you? I can't believe she did him in your bed. That is just vile, eeeewww! I'd consider putting that out on the curb too! BIG sign - FREE bed - INCLUDES the wife! Stop that!!! Not fair and you know it!! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Stop that!!! Not fair and you know it!! This is HIS life, and his kids and family...let him live it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts