which is the worse confession?

[thummper]

Your BH must be told.

 

 

You must go NC with the OM as long as you are not in NC. There never will be a chance for you to recover your feelings for your BH.

Yes!!!!!!!!!!! For heavens sake, stop torturing yourself and erase this other guy from your life permanently. If you want to have any hope of getting a better life, either with your hubby or not. Do whatever you have to do so that he cannot contact you in any way ever again. Change your phone number (although that might be a little hard to explain to your H), get a different e-mail address, delete your Facebook account (Facebook has been the cause of more marital breakups than anything else on earth!) Throw yourself back into your marriage. Make your husband #1 in your life, along with your children.

Edited March 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Waverly]

Your BH must be told.

 

 

You must go NC with the OM as long as you are not in NC. There never will be a chance for you to recover your feelings for your BH.

Yes!!!!!!!!!!! For heavens sake, stop torturing yourself and erase this other guy from your life permanently. If you want to have any hope of getting a better life, either with your hubby or not. Do whatever you have to do so that he cannot contact you in any way ever again. Change your phone number (although that might be a little hard to explain to your H), get a different e-mail address, delete your Facebook account (Facebook has been the cause of more marital breakups than anything else on earth!) Throw yourself back into your marriage. Make your husband #1 in your life, along with your children.

 

He's not on Facebook. When I say minimal contact, I mean really really minimal. Like, an occasional one or two line email. I'm not defending it; I get that NC should truly be NC, but it's not as if we're still communicating a lot or having an EA or anything.

Edited March 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Clay]

He's not on Facebook. When I say minimal contact, I mean really really minimal. Like, an occasional one or two line email. I'm not defending it; I get that NC should truly be NC, but it's not as if we're still communicating a lot or having an EA or anything.

 

It sounds like your not really willing to go full NC with the OM. That is fine it in itself is a choice. Your choosing him over your H. So now just plan for your D. As I stated earlier. Tell your H and tell him you want a D. Go easy on him and maybe even give him most of the assets in the D. This way there might be the possibility you can have some kind of a friendship or at the very least good relationship for the kids sake.

 

I would set a date your going to tell him and get it over with. The sooner you do the sooner you can get on with your life with the OM.

 

Clay

[Waverly]

It sounds like your not really willing to go full NC with the OM. That is fine it in itself is a choice. Your choosing him over your H. So now just plan for your D. As I stated earlier. Tell your H and tell him you want a D. Go easy on him and maybe even give him most of the assets in the D. This way there might be the possibility you can have some kind of a friendship or at the very least good relationship for the kids sake.

 

I would set a date your going to tell him and get it over with. The sooner you do the sooner you can get on with your life with the OM.

 

Clay

 

There is *no* future with the OM. I'm not counting on one, hoping for one, or thinking that it is in any way a possibility or even something I would necessarily want.

[Clay]

There is *no* future with the OM. I'm not counting on one, hoping for one, or thinking that it is in any way a possibility or even something I would necessarily want.

 

Some how this does not make any sense to me. If there is NO future and your not sure you want to tell your H why would you have any contact with the OM. It you truly did not see any future with the OM you would have told him to stay away and you would have taken steps to make sure he did not contact you.

 

Maybe in some way your hoping to get caught so you don't have to tell?

[Waverly]

Some how this does not make any sense to me. If there is NO future and your not sure you want to tell your H why would you have any contact with the OM. It you truly did not see any future with the OM you would have told him to stay away and you would have taken steps to make sure he did not contact you.

 

Maybe in some way your hoping to get caught so you don't have to tell?

 

I know this sounds stupid. But he was a good friend for ten years. I care about him.

[Clay]

I know this sounds stupid. But he was a good friend for ten years. I care about him.

 

Its not stupid. Its your choice. You are choosing him over your H. You have to do what is right for you. You can not stay married and keep this man as a friend. That is just the way life goes. So give up your H and keep him in your life.

 

That way your H is free to find a woman that will love him the way he deserves.

 

Clay

[thummper]

There is *no* future with the OM. I'm not counting on one, hoping for one, or thinking that it is in any way a possibility or even something I would necessarily want.

Then for heaven's sake, why can't you just let him go for good and all? Avoid ALL contact of any kind and concentrate your love and affection on the one man who would stand by you no matter what.

[Waverly]

Then for heaven's sake, why can't you just let him go for good and all? Avoid ALL contact of any kind and concentrate your love and affection on the one man who would stand by you no matter what.

 

This is getting all muddled with the thread I have on the OM/OW board. I didn't mean to have two threads going at the same time; it just got revived when he emailed me yesterday.

 

I'm a lot closer to agreeing with you than I have been at any other point. That may not be saying much, but it's the best I can say.

[Clay]

There is nothing wrong with deciding you don't want to give up the other man. This is your life it is your choice. You just can not have both. Once your H learns of your affair he will either want a divorce or demand you cut all ties with this other man. I think from our previous talks it sounded like you really want to just get time for you again. The best way to achieve that is to make a decision and stick to it.

 

It does not sound like your going to give up the OM so why not just move towards the D. Why not try to have a good relationship as a co parent with your kids. The longer you wait the more damage your doing to and chance of decency between you and your H.

 

The longer you delay this the greater chance you will have a horrible future as a wife or a co parent to your children. Some men actually leave there wives and fight for custody.

 

I did and I won custody. I hope you try to minimize this as much as possible. I hope you understand in the end its best for the kids you find some way to work this out even if your not married. '

 

Clay

[thummper]

Hang in there, Waverly, you'll figure this out and in the end I really feel you'll do what's best for everyone concerned. Just let the fog clear out a little.

[VeronicaRoss]

I'm in a minority here. I have been cheated on with a couple of guys from my past and I don't think you should tell him...yet.

 

What you need to do right away is go to a counselor to talk with someone who can help you sort this out, and go to a doctor to get tested for every STD under the sun. Spare the husband for now. I'm not hearing this is for him, I'm hearing this is for you. You want to tell to clear your conscience so you're not feeling so bad and you still have feelings for the other man. First, if you really care about the husband the feeling bad is going to get a lot worse. I have to wonder if your real motive is to torch the marriage -- only have him do it because you don't have the character strength to do it.

 

Your husband deserves to be treated the best way possible when this comes to light, but I don't think you know what that is or even really doing it for him. I don't think the LS crew can't tell you what's best for your husband.

 

I would tell him with a marriage counselor in front of him so he gets some kind of support besides you. I'd suggest a friend or family member too, but again, we don't know what the circumstances are like.

 

Good luck, and put him first.

[Fluttershy]

Whatever you do, do not confess in front of a third party unless you have a valid fear of your H physicaly harming you.

[road]

He's not on Facebook. When I say minimal contact, I mean really really minimal. Like, an occasional one or two line email. I'm not defending it; I get that NC should truly be NC, but it's not as if we're still communicating a lot or having an EA or anything.

 

 

 

You are justifying breaking NC just as you justified banging the OM.

 

 

He's not on facebook, assbook, text, email, googling the OM, is breaking NC. Indirect breakinig NC is still breaking NC.

 

 

You are still communicating. Even if OM does not respond.

 

 

You still are a liar. You are lying to your self, and by denying the truth to your BH you are lying by omission to him.

[rumbleseat]

Try putting yourself in your h's place and ask yourself how you would want to be treated. My guess is that he would want to know, as knowing would give him the information he needs to live his life in the way he really wants to.

 

 

It's probably a safe bet that he wouldn't want to have a m that is, for all intents and purposes, a lie. The sooner you tell him, the less he'll have to live one, and the more chance there is that he'll know you are telling him because you want to be honest with him and that the lie is eating you up inside.

 

If you do choose to tell him, it will more than likely really clarify for you where you stand.

 

If there is any way that you can have the kids spend the night with someone while you come clean, that would be great. It's best to do it at home where he can feel safe. Be prepared that he may react in ways you don't expect. He may leave, he might be in a state of shock, he might yell, he might even find it hard to accept at first.

 

It's it going to be easy, but in the end, it's the right thing to do for everyone, even if it ends your m. I know that may sound odd, but if it's not something he can live with, better to find out now than later.

 

Best of luck to you. There is every chance that, given some time and hard work, you two can make it through this if it's what you both really want. The sooner you tell him, the greater the chance there is that can happen.

[Ap22]

I'm not going to deny that having an affair was selfish. It was. But, I'm not going to temporarily separate. To what end? Why disrupt everyone's lives -- including my two young children -- just so I can, what? Take time to think before confessing? That, to me, seems selfish as well.

 

I get what you're saying; I'm being terribly unfair to my husband. Trust me, I understand that. But I can't just take a sabbatical from my life to figure out what I want.

 

(I keep coming back to this; not sure why it's rankling so much.) If you mean confess and then separate? Well, it's not really up to me at that point, I suppose.

 

I'm sorry...what, what, what?!?!?!?!?

 

You're now worrying about disrupting your childrens lives? Little to late for that. You cant take a sabbatical from your life to figure out whats going on yet you can sleep with another person?

 

Bottom line, it is up to your spouse at this point. You just need to tell him the whole truth including the fact that you have feelings for the AP.

[Scott Thomas]

So you are saying that everyone who has an A has fallen out of love with their spouse and that the action of having an A means that the love is gone?

 

These statements, in my opinion, are incongruous with the fact that many married people on this forum reconcile after an A. Why would they reconcile if the love was gone? I read an entire long thread on here where many men (or women) who got caught having A's said they still loved their spouses, they didn't know why they had an A, etc.

 

Human emotions are extremely complex. It is possible to love two people at the same time. It's not that black and white that if you love one person, you must stop loving all other people. The act of falling in love with someone - allowing that to happen - is the issue. There are many reasons people have A's that do not necessarily mean that the WS has stopped loving their BH.

 

 

From where I stand, love is a choice. The emotion you're describing is lust. The decision to uphold your vows is a conscious action. You fell in love with another person? Then why not tell your spouse. Or was there a triangle clause in the wedding vows?

 

Many people reconcile after an A? Can you validate your statement?I've spent years on this forum. Some people reconcile while others don't. For every couple that reconciled, I can point to three that didn't. This is based on this forum and my experiences in practical life. For a successful recovery, there must be complete transparency, a serious effort to reconcile and help the BS, and a long concentrated effort on the part of the WS.

 

It's not black and white-if you live one person you must stop loving other people? Sure, you're free to love your relatives etc. However, if you love someone then you don't stab them in the back. If you disagree then let's ask the 'loved person' for his/her opinion.

 

I'm not orchestrating the poster's stake-burning. I'm pointing out that if your love for your spouse isn't strong enough to prevent you from falling in love with someone else then it's best to give him/her the opportunity to find someone who will is capable of loving him/her as he/she deserves. True, you might harbour feelings for someone else. However, your spouse deserves the chance to spend his/her life with someone who won't fall out if love or cheat.

 

In any case, you're free to form your opinions. Perhaps your respective views in cheating don't match but I, as a BH, M-OM and WH (RA) don't condone deceiving the person you promised to cherish and honour.

Edited March 24, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[bosunmate]

When you confess as you should, you are going to bring the worse pain

you could ever imagine. There is nothing worse than to find out the person

you care about most in the world has stuck a knife in your back and that they have been twisting it everyday. You are going to bring a storm like you have never imagined, please do it alone just the two of you. If your husband wants to keep the marriage than you will have a lot of heavy lifting as your the one who decided to cheat. Be totally honest with everything if you trickle truth you will only make things worse. If he loves you enough and you are honest you can make it work, its not easy but it can be done if there is enough love left. As for your infatuation you have to have no contact totally no excuses. I would tell your husband to drop you if you in second if you don't stop contact. You broke it and hopefully if you really want to you can fix it. I wish you luck....

[BetrayedH]

...it's not as if we're...having an EA or anything.

 

Meant gently, I think you really need to think about that statement. In my view, you are absolutely still engaged in an emotional affair. You had an emotional and physical affair with this man and have hidden it at all from your husband. You continue to have secret contact with him. Just because you're not sexting with him doesn't mean you're not continuing to engage in an EA. Are you his marriage counselor now or something? He's more than a 'friend.' You gave up that designation a long time ago. If this was an appropriate friendship, you wouldn't be hiding it. Quit fooling yourself.

[goumao]

You need to erase the OM from your mind, and go NC. But remember that after you do confess (hopefully soon), or if you don't confess then after your husband finds out, If your husband decides to reconcile, he may well want to verify your story! Deleting all of you and your OM's emails, wechats, texts etc, not only looks like your covering up the truth but also gives your BH no way to verify, thus decreasing your chances of R.

Edited March 24, 2014 by goumao
grammar

[Sub]

If your husband wants to keep the marriage than you will have a lot of heavy lifting as your the one who decided to cheat.

 

This touches on a very good point. I've heard a lot of people say how it's "selfish" to disclose the A to a BS because it would cause so much pain. (Which I think is ludicrous, but that's been debated.) But I honestly feel the realization of the above is what makes non-disclosure just as selfish, if not more. What person wants to have to put in the work of regaining the trust of the one they love, when there's no guarantee it will produce the desired result? It's an enormous undertaking.

[Waverly]

This touches on a very good point. I've heard a lot of people say how it's "selfish" to disclose the A to a BS because it would cause so much pain. (Which I think is ludicrous, but that's been debated.) But I honestly feel the realization of the above is what makes non-disclosure just as selfish, if not more. What person wants to have to put in the work of regaining the trust of the one they love, when there's no guarantee it will produce the desired result? It's an enormous undertaking.

 

It is a good point, and in some ways, it goes back to the original question that I posed in this thread. I know that reconciliation is an unbelievably tough road, and that there's no guarantee my husband would even give me the chance. Sure, I'm afraid to confess. Who in their right mind wouldn't be? But beyond that, I want to make sure that, if I'm going to confess and cause my husband this unspeakable pain, that I'm in a place to really put my all into supporting him after the confession, and can tell him - honestly - that I choose him 100%.

 

I don't know. There have been some harsh replies here, but I do want to say that I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts.

[Waverly]

You need to erase the OM from your mind, and go NC. But remember that after you do confess (hopefully soon), or if you don't confess then after your husband finds out, If your husband decides to reconcile, he may well want to verify your story! Deleting all of you and your OM's emails, wechats, texts etc, not only looks like your covering up the truth but also gives your BH no way to verify, thus decreasing your chances of R.

 

This....never even occurred to me. The truth is bad enough; would he really need a bunch of emails to verify it? I guess I feel like if I'm confessing something this terrible, it's kind of a given that I wouldn't be making it up. It's not like I'd be hiding something that's even worse. Or am I misunderstanding?

[Owl]

This....never even occurred to me. The truth is bad enough; would he really need a bunch of emails to verify it? I guess I feel like if I'm confessing something this terrible, it's kind of a given that I wouldn't be making it up. It's not like I'd be hiding something that's even worse. Or am I misunderstanding?

 

You have to understand something...as a result of your affair, your husband's trust in you will be shattered (rightfully so, keep in mind).

 

Not every BS goes through the massive Q&A routine...some, as Drifter has indicated, don't want to know much if anything about the affair. But, the vast majority do need to hear the whole story. They need to understand exactly what it is that they're being asked to forgive the WS for. The size, scope, width, breadth, and depth of the betrayal.

 

So it's entirely possible (even probable) that your H may well want to read any emails/texts/etc... that you've exchanged with OM.

 

Yes, it'll suck for him. And for you.

 

But the only way to rebuild that shattered and destroyed trust is by demonstrating to him that you're NOW behaving in a trustworthy fashion, and will continue to do so in the future even when it's painful for you to do so...where you avoided doing so before.

 

No offense...but it seems to me that you've been delaying this long enough.

 

If you're going to tell...it needs to happen NOW, not next week/month/year/decade.

 

There will never be a "right time" to do this, nor will you ever be comfortable with doing it...you shouldn't be.

 

But...that's all the more reason to get it done before you talk yourself out of it.

[rumbleseat]

If you are nervous of his reaction, is there any way that you could make your confession in front of a counsellor or some other professional? That way, there'd be somebody for him to turn to for help.