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which is the worse confession?


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First: please be gentle. I had an affair. It was wrong. I was wrong. I totally own up to my entire responsibility in that.

 

It's been over for about five months, but there was no d-day. My husband has no idea, and I have no reason to believe he'd ever find out on his own (there is zero evidence - no emails, texts, receipts, nothing - and my xAP lives thousands of miles away, etc.). But, of course, anything could happen. I'm not kidding myself about that.

 

That said, I can't live with this secret for the rest of my life. I can't pretend everything is ok for years and years, knowing all the while what I did. It's eating away at me.

 

So, I should confess, right? Right. But how? I know some of you will say to just sit him down and give him a timeline and watch the shock and horror suddenly make all of this real to me. And, in some ways, that's absolutely true.

 

But, here's the thing. I want to make the right kind of confession. I want to be able to say to him how unbelievably sorry I am and that I want nothing more than to reconcile, and hope that he'll give me that opportunity. I really want to be able to say that. But right now I can't. Right now I still have feelings for my xAP. They're confused, and they're messy, and they're clouding my thoughts about my marriage, and I'm really really hoping they'll eventually go away. But right now, they're still there, even though we're pretty much in NC.

 

So what's worse? Making a confession soon but having to admit (and I'm sure I would because he would ask and I'm a terrible liar) that I still have feelings for my xAP? Or waiting god knows how long until those feelings have gone away but then having the added insult to my H of having waited so long to tell him?

 

Again, please don't be too hard on me. I'm genuinely trying to do the right thing here.

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twosadthings

If you know it was wrong, wish it didn't happen and want to reconcile with your husband why are you still having feelings for the guy you were being wrong with?

 

File for divorce, tell your husband that you can't be his wife anymore, not because of what you did but how you still feel. Let the chips fall where they may and see how you feel then.

 

The common wisdom for a cheating wife still with feelings for her lover is to serve her with papers ending the marriage to clear her mind for her. I don't see why it wouldn't work if you did it for yourself.

 

Just sayin'

 

Twosadthings

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If you know it was wrong, wish it didn't happen and want to reconcile with your husband why are you still having feelings for the guy you were being wrong with?

 

File for divorce, tell your husband that you can't be his wife anymore, not because of what you did but how you still feel. Let the chips fall where they may and see how you feel then.

 

The common wisdom for a cheating wife still with feelings for her lover is to serve her with papers ending the marriage to clear her mind for her. I don't see why it wouldn't work if you did it for yourself.

 

Just sayin'

 

Twosadthings

 

Honestly? Because emotions aren't always that black and white. If I could simply turn off my feelings for my xAP, I would have done so a long time ago. I'm doing everything I can to get over it, but in the meantime, I know I'm keeping my marriage in an unfair limbo, and leaving my husband in the dark.

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Honestly? Because emotions aren't always that black and white. If I could simply turn off my feelings for my xAP, I would have done so a long time ago. I'm doing everything I can to get over it, but in the meantime, I know I'm keeping my marriage in an unfair limbo, and leaving my husband in the dark.

 

No, not honestly. Anyone who knows anything about human psychology and the features of an A knows that you can have tremendous guilt and regret and STILL miss the feelings of the A. It's confusing and one more thing that makes A's so awful.

 

When you confess, I would not have an hour long soliloquy. Here is what I would do:

 

Sit down at a time where you have some time. Tell your husband that you made a terrible choice, that you had an A, that you know that is was wrong and 100% your responsibility. Tell him how much you regret it. Tell him you understand that he will be very hurt and angry. Do NOT mention ANY martial problems or anything that "led to" you feeling like cheating. That just sound like justifying.

 

Tell him that you will do whatever it takes to help him heal and regain trust (and mean it). Also tell him you will answer all his questions honestly, and be open with EVERYTHING. Be humble and sincere and open.

 

And understand...this is the BEGINNING of a long, painful, non-linear process. He will go through lots of emotions more than once for a good chunk of time. YOU may feel relieved, but HE will feel devastated. Your job for at least the first few months is to help HIM. Focus on HIM. LIVE your remorse and desire for change every day.

 

And as far as OM feelings go? Replace them with care for your H, gratitude for your H, and new life choices.

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I understand that you still have feelings for xOM. My wife did for a good while even after she chose to reconcile with me. It sucks, but it's reality.

 

Here's the bottom line.

 

Do you CHOOSE your husband over xOM? Do you choose to be with your H, period? If xOM showed up on your doorstep today...would you waiver in your decision to remain with your husband, or would you tell xOM that it was over, and let him go?

 

If the answer is unequivocally that you choose your H...then you need to tell your H the full truth...to include that you do still feel for your xOM, but you recognize that's not what you truly want, and that you've flat out CHOSEN to be with your H.

 

If the answer is anything other than that...unequivocally...then you need to reconcsider remaining married and trying to recover your marriage.

 

Reconciliation is nothing short of hard, painful, exhaustive work. It's not for the faint of heart, the weak-willed, or the undecided.

 

My wife, early in her choice to reconcile with me, stumbled across a sign while out shopping that 'caused her to stop and think...and call me to discuss it.

 

That sign simply said "No matter where you go, go with all of your heart". She read that and realized that had she chosen to go to be with OM...she'd never have been able to go there with all of her heart. But she knew that she'd be able to do so with me.

 

So that's my advice to you, my friend.

 

"No matter where you go, go there with all of your heart"

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AlwaysGrowing

You stated that you were pretty much NC with the OM, what exactly does that mean?

 

For disclosure, if you have children, do not have them present. Ideally, they would be out overnight somewhere. As your husband should be given the opportunity to be able to breakdown freely without causing trauma to your children.

 

Often, when one lives the consequences of their choices (bearing witness to the devastation of your husband) the shine on our previous "it's not so bad" actions dulls fairly quickly.

 

If that doesn't happen for you, then be honest. Tell your husband fully what he is facing. Give him choice in his life. He might be willing to work on fixing the relationship/offer a chance at R for an it's over affair but not willing if his wife still has "feelings" for the OM. He knows what he can bear and what he can not. Respect him enough, as a fellow human being to not string him along because of your uncertainty. His life is his not yours. Your uncertainty is yours to deal with, don't pass that burden onto him. He may very well be okay with your uncertainty or that might be his deal breaker. That choice is his.

 

Like Jane has already stated, bringing up issues in the marriage is not wise on Dday. They simply come off as blaming.

 

I wanted to close with....it isn't easy to self incriminate. It is however a sign of a mature individual who takes responsibility for their actions.

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Waverly, having been on some of your previous threads, I think that you've tapped into your exact dilemma here. If I gather correctly, you would make a break from your husband to be with your OM but neither of you could handle being thousands of miles away from your children. If you go into a confession with that mentality, it severely diminishes your chances of your H wanting to reconcile because no one wants to be someone's second choice or backup plan. Still having feelings is one thing; just staying because you can't work out the logistics with your soulmate is quite another.

 

Personally, I don't buy any of the soulmate crap. People experience limerance in new relationships and an affair is just a bunch of fantasy engagement. Your husband cannot compete with a fantasy, nor should he have to. You made a commitment to give up engaging in fantasies of other men long ago. And your OM ain't all he's cracked up to be. In fact, it appears that he's able to move on and you're the one still trying to keep up this emotional daydream.

 

If you haven't read it, I highly suggest the book, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Many affairs follow a very typical pattern of loose boundaries and engaging in a fantasy when your very real (and imperfect) husband is right next to you.

 

Read the book and see if it changes your perspective.

 

ETA: from what I've seen, it takes about 6 months of strict NC for the rose-colored glasses to come off. Consider sticking with NC and setting a six month deadline for yourself to make a firm decision to stay with your H or release him.

Edited by BetrayedH
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If the situation was reversed, how would you want your H to deal with you?

 

Would you like him to wait to tell you and then it makes all this current time in your marriage seem like a lie as well?

 

If it were me, I would want the truth and all the truth so that I could make up my mind. Try not to keep any more of these secrets. You build a wall around to protect you, but what about your H? He feels the walls and the distance between you. You do not think he has felt the distance and the lack of love from you? I could really tell, but I did not let her know, because I could not tear down that wall. She had to protect her world and fantasy from anyone that should be there and especially not her H.

 

Tell him how you feel about the OM. Your H is a much better man than the OM. Your OM cheated with a married woman.

 

Tell your H with a timeline and how you feel right now. He deserves some truth and some choice in his life. He deserves not to be your backup plan and to find someone that really loves and cares about him.

 

Good luck to both of you. But do stop the lies and the cheating. Go full NC with the OM. If you can't stop the cheating, please tell your H and give him the divorce. Maybe when the OM finds out that you are divorced, he will move to live with you. You can be together and not so far from each other. Maybe that would bring you happiness.

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I read an article about this that really has changed my views on telling. If you are TRULY remorseful, wanting to make the relationship work and move on.. I think telling is only going to hurt him. You have to work on yourself and on the relationship. The only thing telling will do is relieve your guilt, and the guilt is your burden to carry. It's not fair to put that burden on him. If you did everything in your power to be a better wife and improve your relationship and live a happy life.. would your husband REALLY want to know this? Will he likely forgive you after being hurt? If so, then it may be something you need to work on by yourself and eventually learn to forgive yourself and move on. We all make mistakes and affairs are very common. You just have to make sure it never happens again. Here is the article I read:

 

Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME

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If you are going to tell him, sooner rather than later would be my call. When you chose to have the affair, a timer started on a bomb going off in your life. If, how, and when you tell him will all determine whether the bomb blast is local or goes nuclear. Telling him sooner will diminish some of it. The reason is it takes away the deception factor. From personal experience I can tell you that waiting can be disastrous. The infidelity itself was a crime but my then-wife waited 2 years to tell me about it. The deception of her waiting did FAR more damage than the actual infraction.

 

Don't do that. The quicker you tell him, the easier it will be to rebuild trust. I fear you may have waited too late already as you said it's been over for several months. So the deception factor is already probably there but do it now nevertheless.

 

As far as your feelings go, feelings come and go. Don't worry about that right now. Worry about your husband's feelings. He's going to need you to be strong because his world is about to crash. So be strong for him. Give all of yourself to him fully. Disclose everything....no trickle truth and let him know you will do anything to make the marriage work. It's easier to forgive someone who shows repentance than someone who's putting on a show and just wants to cover their behind. It's going to be tough but be there for him and let him know you are there for him. Take whatever he dishes out (within reason) and just weather the storm. You may be surprised that your feelings for the OM may diminish overnight with the brokeness you witness in your husband's eyes. I'll be praying for you as you go through this.

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I read an article about this that really has changed my views on telling. If you are TRULY remorseful, wanting to make the relationship work and move on.. I think telling is only going to hurt him. You have to work on yourself and on the relationship. The only thing telling will do is relieve your guilt, and the guilt is your burden to carry. It's not fair to put that burden on him. If you did everything in your power to be a better wife and improve your relationship and live a happy life.. would your husband REALLY want to know this? Will he likely forgive you after being hurt? If so, then it may be something you need to work on by yourself and eventually learn to forgive yourself and move on. We all make mistakes and affairs are very common. You just have to make sure it never happens again. Here is the article I read:

 

Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME

 

The problem with this way of thinking is that it requires everyday to live a lie and trick and decieve your spouse. So not only do you have to deal with the guilt of the affair but also the guilt of robbing our spouse of choosing wether they want to forgive you and give a second chance or divorce. That guilt can cripple some people and it can keep you from being an authentic person with integrity. Things you should be to have a full and happy marriage which benefits both people. So, if you want to live a lie than that is your choice. But to think it is some noble swallowing of guilt? No way.

 

As to confessing. Seeing and experiencing the devestation may be enough to knock the false romance of an affair out of your head. I would follow BH advice. As far as knowing if you do want to R 100%.

 

100% honesty with tact is the best way.

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yellowmaverick

Make the confession now, including your feelings about the XMM. If you want to attempt to R, tell your husband so. Many times the work that you put into R can help get your mind off the AP and on your husband. Seeing your husband absolutely heartbroken may be the wake-up call you need to break free of the affair emotionally.

 

OP, I can tell you this. The longer you wait, the longer you put off recovery. Tell your H before he discovers it on his own. He deserves knowing the truth.

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The only thing telling will do is relieve your guilt, and the guilt is your burden to carry.

 

Honestly, this sounds like a flowery cover for self-protecting cowardice.

 

There is only one reason to keep a spouse you have lied to, deceived, betrayed, and exposed to disease in the dark - fear and self-protection. You can spin it is some martyr cross-bearing thing, but it isn't.

 

The TRUTH is how you respect your spouse. And yourself.

 

OP, I haven't read your other threads. But if you really ARE just staying with your H because you don't wanna be away from your kids and he is some consolation prize while you pine of the OM, then that is completely unfair to the man you have already betrayed.

 

Think long and hard about the kind of woman you want to be and model for your children.

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miguelcervantes
Honestly? Because emotions aren't always that black and white. If I could simply turn off my feelings for my xAP, I would have done so a long time ago. I'm doing everything I can to get over it, but in the meantime, I know I'm keeping my marriage in an unfair limbo, and leaving my husband in the dark.

 

It seems pretty clear to me from what you have written so far (and I could be completely wrong) that you are not in love with your husband. What is not clear is why you want to even try and stay with him. Why are you ending your affair ? Is it because your AP has a family that he wants to be with ? It doesn't sound like you are ending it because you love your husband more.

 

So seriously, whether you come clean or not, you should seriously consider ending this marriage asap.

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gettingstronger

Honesty is the only way to go. Through your posts it's clear you are a mess and even if you try to hide it you are doing no one any good. This will continue to spiral and you will continue to hurt those most dear to you. I am glad you are at least thinking about, thinking about coming clean. I think that telling is the right thing to do but you have to be honest about your feelings for the OM. I do believe that when you see first hand the pain this will inflict on your husband you will snap right out of the affair fog you are still in and you will see things more clearly. Please brace yourself for a painful ride and take care of you while you are doing this. We do no one any good unless we are also gentle on ourselves. Good luck and keep us posted.

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Do you really want to be a person who has to trick someone into staying married to them? ThAt's pretty pathetic. Put your cards on the table. Write out something that covers the main points. He can ask for details when he gets over the shock..

Love him enough to allow him to make a decision.

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I do not know how to put this gently.....

 

BUT....while I agree emotions are not black and white, please think hard on this:

 

the only person on the planet who would beg, convince, or connive you to overthrow the love and devotion of a spouse; the respect of your children, family, and friends; your integrity, legacy, history......is YOUR AP!

 

That is WHY affairs flourish in secrecy and isolation.

 

AND how SELFISH is that??????????

 

NO ONE, who knows, loves and respects you would EVER encourage a secret affair......EXCEPT your AP.

 

Love, schmove. Ego gratifying, adolescent, Romeo and Juliet fantasy is more apt, IMO. VERY, very self-destructive and self-sabotaging.

 

How do you ever expect to have intimacy with your H with this secret?

 

Secrets destroy intimacy in a relationship. You are setting yourself and your H, and your marriage up to fail with secret-keeping.

 

What do you want here?

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AlwaysGrowing
I read an article about this that really has changed my views on telling. If you are TRULY remorseful, wanting to make the relationship work and move on.. I think telling is only going to hurt him. You have to work on yourself and on the relationship. The only thing telling will do is relieve your guilt, and the guilt is your burden to carry. It's not fair to put that burden on him. If you did everything in your power to be a better wife and improve your relationship and live a happy life.. would your husband REALLY want to know this? Will he likely forgive you after being hurt? If so, then it may be something you need to work on by yourself and eventually learn to forgive yourself and move on. We all make mistakes and affairs are very common. You just have to make sure it never happens again. Here is the article I read:

 

Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME

 

 

Very few people can actually change when they do not get consequences for their actions. This is the usual route for a serial cheater.

 

How patronizing the whole concept of taking choice away from another adult....not to mention the person taking away the choice is someone who has shown that they have/had no issue in making harmful choices for that person.

 

The person harming you (financially, emotionally, sexual health wise) should NEVER be given free rein to make unilateral decisions in your life.

 

People are free to end a relationship due to infidelity. That is their right to make in regard to their life. It is not the right of some author or therapists.

 

It is not lost on me, how the author goes on to say, how an affair is not fatal to many relationships it is how you deal with it. Hiding the affair is not dealing with it. In fact, the continued betrayal of lying, contact with the AP....are the fatal blows.

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Betrayed&Stayed
So what's worse? Making a confession soon but having to admit (and I'm sure I would because he would ask and I'm a terrible liar) that I still have feelings for my xAP? Or waiting god knows how long until those feelings have gone away but then having the added insult to my H of having waited so long to tell him?

 

Hmmm... Which is worse? A sht sandwich with mustard, or a sht sandwich with ketchup? That's a tough one.

 

To answer your question: It has been my experience that when I delay facing a major problem, it only gets worse. Kinda like if you get a summons for a speeding ticket ,and you throw it away.

 

Put everything on the table. Otherwise this will eat you alive; and what is left of your marriage.

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If you AP were near, you'd probably still be in the A. You don't really care about your H. You just need someone to hold onto.

 

Its not fair to him being with someone whose heart does not belong wholeheartedly to him. When and if you share this information I am sure his heart will break. Give him the opportunity to hear you and convince himself if you are being sincere in your request to reconcile.

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Dunno why I read this thread, it kind of stressed me out.

Your affair, your guilt, your confession, your, your, your, your!!!

 

You miss the OM, and you're going to create some kind of drama to fill this massive void in yourself and avoid dealing with how plain and uninteresting your life has become.

 

Now, to further add to betrayal, you're going to what ... stomp him into the ground too? How selfish are you? Do think by admitting this silly indulgent fantasy that you weakly allowed to happen makes you ... what ... pure? Innocent? Good?

 

Come on!!!

 

If you really want to save your marriage, then take all "your" needs and turn them towards your husband and family. I don't know you, nor does anyone else here for that matter, but the best way you may serve your family is to serve yourself a little maybe? Take a course, stop smoking, loose weight, get a career / augment a career / lessen it (whatever).

 

Again, I don't know you, but my 5000 foot perception is that you're a lost soul trying to claw your way into ... something.

 

I'm a betrayed spouse. It F******'in hurts! Looking back now, I'd give a testicle for her to have figured out that she wants her husband (that would be me) and give up the drug induced (dopamine & seritonin) ego trip that ended up completely messing up her life (cheated twice, when I said no more, she spent three years dropping bread crumbs).

 

Cypher: If you'd told us the truth, we would've told you to shove that red pill right up your ass.
Remember the movie Matrix? That is what came to mind when I read this thread.

 

My humble opinion, live with the guilt and spare your family. Let that guilt remind you every day that their are consequences to entitlement and indulgence and channel that life changing negative energy to do something positive ... that would be to NOT put "your" needs first!

 

Z

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bubbaganoosh

Sooner or later, he'll know. Either by you telling him now or down the road in a few years.

 

I seen enough threads on this site and other sites where a man/woman find out that their spouse had an affair ten, fifteen twenty years ago. Old news to the cheater. Brand new to the betrayed spouse.

 

I saw this first hand with my ex in laws. Wife got caught cheating and the Husband went nuts and the name calling and finger pointing he did and a divorce and never let the the subject drop about being cheated on.

 

The he re marries and a few years later he has a get together with his kids (my wife) and the rest of the kids and his new wife must have had brain freeze and made a comment about the time that she and ex FIL were at such in such of a place for a weekend and then DEAD SILENCE...................CAUGHT. Well needless to say you know what hit the fan. The finger pointer now had the finger pointed at him and the end result was quite a few years of very strained relations with his kids so I'm just saying. You have to pick your poison and either way someone gets hurt.

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Whew. Ok. Thanks to everyone who took time to reply. I genuinely mean that; I know the folks on this particular board do not sugar-coat things, but I appreciate that (almost all) the comments were genuinely constructive. I know it's mainly BSs on here, and I don't know that I would be good enough to give advice to a WS who came in here if I had been betrayed.

 

Yes, I'm pathetic, yes, I'm a mess, yes, I'm selfish, yes, I'm serving my husband a sh*t sandwich of epic proportions. I acknowledge all of that. But I do care about my husband. I do love him. You can call bs on that if you want, given what I did to him, but I'm not a monster. I did something terribly wrong, but I'm not out to destroy him.

 

With very few exceptions, it seems as though everyone is saying to confess, which is a conclusion I had pretty much already reached. Interestingly, my counselor actually doesn't really think I need to. Before anyone jumps on that, I actually have an appointment next week to see someone different.

 

The question wasn't really about the virtues of confessing or not, but more: now or later? Confess now when it's closer or later when I'm more clearly out of the fog? I totally admit that I'm still in it, by the way. The A is done, but I'm obviously still holding onto part of it. Those of you who have read my other threads know what a hard time I've had since the A ended; a huge part of that is just reconciling this thing that I did with the type of person that I want to be. I have never been dishonest in a relationship before; I don't want to be the kind of person who is; I don't want to teach my kids that this is ok. It's not. Trust me, anything anyone here says to me pales in comparison to the self-flagellation I inflict on myself.

 

I'm not going to say that my xAP was my "soulmate" either (I agree that that word is totally eye-roll-inducing), but he was someone who was important in my life for a decade. I f'ed it all up, and I'm having a hard time with that, in a lot of different ways.

 

Would I have left my H for him though? I honestly honestly don't know. When I was in the thick of the A, I, of course, thought I would. This is going to sound twisted, but now that it's over, part of me feels like I need to say I would have. Like, if I wouldn't have left my marriage for this, then that somehow made the A even worse, because it wasn't as "meaningful". I realize that sounds pretty stupid when I write it out. The true fact of it is that I knew for a decade that I could have been with him, and I wasn't. I married my husband. I chose my husband. So, as much of a pathetic mess as I may be, I'm trying to get back to realizing that that's true, that I chose my husband first and consistently, and that I was in a bad place and made bad choices and did a bad thing by having the A, but that that doesn't mean I don't love my husband.

 

Of course, that may not really matter if he chooses not to stay with me. I know that it's out of my hands, or will be as soon as I confess.

 

So, now or later. It seems like most people say now. I don't know if I'm just clinging to this as a delay tactic, but I do think that BH's six-month window makes sense too. I just keep thinking that if I just keep pushing through, if we both stick to NC, if I just get further out from this whole mess, (and believe it or not, I'm actually far less of a mess than I was a few months or even weeks ago), I'll be in a better place to give the kind of confession I want to be able to give. The honest-to-god "I choose you with my whole heart" one, not the "I choose you sort of by choice and sort of by default but I'm still a mess about it" one that I'd end up giving now.

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Waverly, that's a very honest assessment and I applaud you for it.

 

But waiting six months to be ready, to be fully OVER OM, is simply six more months of disrespectful, what is best for me, Secret keeping from your spouse....

 

And he will resent the hell out of you for it. he will think, no matter what your reasons are, WHY did she not tell me?

 

for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

 

Either I am his very best friend, the one he can share ALL secrets with, or I am not.

 

And if I am not, then WHO is? His AP?

 

At least that is how I felt after DDay....And I cut him loose to be with his AP....He lived

With her for three weeks....and it turned out to be the LAST thing he wanted.

 

Imagine that?

 

when it was no longer forbidden, intermittent reward, day in and day out....it just wasn't as much fun, as dramatic and high-intensity emotional. it was like real life....warts and all.....Just like the marriage he had with me!

 

shocking, I know.

 

My Ic, like yours, did not want me to experience any more pain...and tried to talk me out of what I knew to be right.

 

talk to some war veterans...there is no skirting around pain or secrets....There is only facing the fire and going THROUGH the pain.

 

it is the only way to heal. You have to fight through it, and forge new, either with or without the H you betrayed.

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Whew. Ok. Thanks to everyone who took time to reply. I genuinely mean that; I know the folks on this particular board do not sugar-coat things, but I appreciate that (almost all) the comments were genuinely constructive. I know it's mainly BSs on here, and I don't know that I would be good enough to give advice to a WS who came in here if I had been betrayed.

 

Yes, I'm pathetic, yes, I'm a mess, yes, I'm selfish, yes, I'm serving my husband a sh*t sandwich of epic proportions. I acknowledge all of that. But I do care about my husband. I do love him. You can call bs on that if you want, given what I did to him, but I'm not a monster. I did something terribly wrong, but I'm not out to destroy him.

 

With very few exceptions, it seems as though everyone is saying to confess, which is a conclusion I had pretty much already reached. Interestingly, my counselor actually doesn't really think I need to. Before anyone jumps on that, I actually have an appointment next week to see someone different.

 

The question wasn't really about the virtues of confessing or not, but more: now or later? Confess now when it's closer or later when I'm more clearly out of the fog? I totally admit that I'm still in it, by the way. The A is done, but I'm obviously still holding onto part of it. Those of you who have read my other threads know what a hard time I've had since the A ended; a huge part of that is just reconciling this thing that I did with the type of person that I want to be. I have never been dishonest in a relationship before; I don't want to be the kind of person who is; I don't want to teach my kids that this is ok. It's not. Trust me, anything anyone here says to me pales in comparison to the self-flagellation I inflict on myself.

 

I'm not going to say that my xAP was my "soulmate" either (I agree that that word is totally eye-roll-inducing), but he was someone who was important in my life for a decade. I f'ed it all up, and I'm having a hard time with that, in a lot of different ways.

 

Would I have left my H for him though? I honestly honestly don't know. When I was in the thick of the A, I, of course, thought I would. This is going to sound twisted, but now that it's over, part of me feels like I need to say I would have. Like, if I wouldn't have left my marriage for this, then that somehow made the A even worse, because it wasn't as "meaningful". I realize that sounds pretty stupid when I write it out. The true fact of it is that I knew for a decade that I could have been with him, and I wasn't. I married my husband. I chose my husband. So, as much of a pathetic mess as I may be, I'm trying to get back to realizing that that's true, that I chose my husband first and consistently, and that I was in a bad place and made bad choices and did a bad thing by having the A, but that that doesn't mean I don't love my husband.

 

Of course, that may not really matter if he chooses not to stay with me. I know that it's out of my hands, or will be as soon as I confess.

 

So, now or later. It seems like most people say now. I don't know if I'm just clinging to this as a delay tactic, but I do think that BH's six-month window makes sense too. I just keep thinking that if I just keep pushing through, if we both stick to NC, if I just get further out from this whole mess, (and believe it or not, I'm actually far less of a mess than I was a few months or even weeks ago), I'll be in a better place to give the kind of confession I want to be able to give. The honest-to-god "I choose you with my whole heart" one, not the "I choose you sort of by choice and sort of by default but I'm still a mess about it" one that I'd end up giving now.

Catch you on the breaking up forum!

 

Really, how old are your children? Do you really want to put them through this to be a do gooder (toooooo late!).

 

Make your husband the best partner he ever dreamed of from this point on if you want to honor him with your love.

Do you not understand you will be destroying not only his present, but his past and future.

 

I understand what others are saying about this, and I have mixed feelings I assure you. However, the part of me that would want you to tell me is the part of me that would want to kick you to the curb and walk!

 

Answer this...

 

What is your goal here?

a) to save your marriage?

b) to absolve you of guilt?

c) to alleviate some back asswards rebound anxiety?

d) to deepen you and your partners love?

 

What are you hoping will happen?

a) he will shed some tears but come running across some cornfield to gather you in his arms?

b) he will look you in the eye and tell you he forgives you, but you must forgive him for neglecting your needs?

c) you really have no idea what will happen?

 

I'll tell you what's going to happen, you're going to shake up your family to the core for what ... to show them you love them?

 

Where was that concern when your heart was beating for another and your children's welfare were just not in the picture (10 years??? don't delude yourself about this).

 

Want to be a good wife and mother? Really?

What in heavens name does dropping this mega ton bomb on innocents have to do with the innocents? Do you run to a police station and confess that you ran a red light? No, you say to yourself, "shoot, that was wrong, I'll have to pay more attention".

 

Sorry hon, I won't post to your thread(s) again. I'm an old guy, I've lots of experience, I just cannot see any good in this ... confession.

 

Z

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