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which is the worse confession?


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One last piece of advice from someone who has been there. In the initial disclosure, don't volunteer too many details. Tell him you had an affair with so-and-so and it lasted for x amount of time, and that will probably be enough information in the first go around. Don't be evasive and always answer any questions that he has truthfully, but I would be cautious about details that he doesn't really want to know. Some people want to know EVERYTHING and that's fine, but let him decide what is necessary for him and when he wants to hear about it.

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When a woman has feelings for 2 men, she doesnt quite love either enough. Personally, I'm going through reconciliation with my cheating wife. Had she told me she still has feelings for the OM, I couldnt do it.

 

You were selfish for having an affair and its painfully obvious you still worry about yourself first. You still have feelings for this other man? Tell your poor husband the entire truth and let him decide what he wants to do. Reconciling takes 100% commitment, honesty, and it is incredibly hard work. There is absolutely no way in hell it can ever be done successfully if you have feelings for the AP.

 

You need to, at the very least, separate from your husband until you are clear about what you want. I cant think of a more cruel way to live than to not only have to deal with your wifes infidelity, but also with the fact that she has feelings for the AP.

 

I'm not going to deny that having an affair was selfish. It was. But, I'm not going to temporarily separate. To what end? Why disrupt everyone's lives -- including my two young children -- just so I can, what? Take time to think before confessing? That, to me, seems selfish as well.

 

I get what you're saying; I'm being terribly unfair to my husband. Trust me, I understand that. But I can't just take a sabbatical from my life to figure out what I want.

 

(I keep coming back to this; not sure why it's rankling so much.) If you mean confess and then separate? Well, it's not really up to me at that point, I suppose.

Edited by Waverly
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I'm not going to deny that having an affair was selfish. It was. But, I'm not going to temporarily separate. To what end? Why disrupt everyone's lives -- including my two young children -- just so I can, what? Take time to think before confessing? That, to me, seems selfish as well.

 

I get what you're saying; I'm being terribly unfair to my husband. Trust me, I understand that. But I can't just take a sabbatical from my life to figure out what I want.

 

If you don't tell him yourself you might not get a choice of who leaves the house and how. Telling him yourself gives you the chance of trying to convey your feelings and sorrow for your mistake. Even if you don't want to stay together it still helps bring the mess down quite a bit. If he some how finds out on his own you wont really get a say in anything. I don't know anything about your husband but if you read some of the other threads on this site and others you will see the people that told themselves had a greater chance of reconciling than the ones that were discovered.

 

Clay

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If you don't tell him yourself you might not get a choice of who leaves the house and how. Telling him yourself gives you the chance of trying to convey your feelings and sorrow for your mistake. Even if you don't want to stay together it still helps bring the mess down quite a bit. If he some how finds out on his own you wont really get a say in anything. I don't know anything about your husband but if you read some of the other threads on this site and others you will see the people that told themselves had a greater chance of reconciling than the ones that were discovered.

 

Clay

 

You beat me to it -- I was editing my reply to say something similar when you posted this.

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My motives for waiting are mixed. Partially, I want to put it off because I'm scared. But partially I genuinely do want to be able to go to him with a clear answer in my heart about what I want and answers about why I did it. But I hear you (and everyone) that waiting isn't really doing him any favors.

 

I do have two young kids (both under four). How would that play in to waiting or not?

 

But the truth is that you don't know what you want and you don't have answers as to why you did it. Waiting until you can work out some decent rationalizations is cheating. Why, because those will not be the reasons you had during the affair.

 

The sticking point isn't that you don't know what your want. A husband will hear that as meaning "This confession is step 1 toward a divorce but I'm too chicken to simply say that." If there is any chance at all that you will decide that what you want is the OM, then the best thing to do is divorce. Otherwise you are lying to your husband during your confession.

 

I don't think that waiting will help. If you decide that you want the OM, then the wait will mean that instead of confessing, you will be asking your husband for a divorce. If you decide that you want your H, he'll ask "how can that be true when you waited so long to confess?"

 

As for the kids, if you reconcile with your husband they probably will notice some tenseness around the house but will otherwise be little affected. If you divorce they will be devastated.

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Waverly, I have to say you've become one of my favorite WS I've read here on LS ever...and I've been here for far too long!

 

I agree with what many of the other posters are saying. I won't rehash everything.

 

No matter what you ultimately decide about your marriage, you need to tell your H. Even if you decide to divorce him, you still need to tell him. Otherwise, he may always wonder what happened to his marriage, or just as bad, he will twist himself into a pretzel trying to save the marriage.

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But the truth is that you don't know what you want and you don't have answers as to why you did it. Waiting until you can work out some decent rationalizations is cheating. Why, because those will not be the reasons you had during the affair.

 

The sticking point isn't that you don't know what your want. A husband will hear that as meaning "This confession is step 1 toward a divorce but I'm too chicken to simply say that." If there is any chance at all that you will decide that what you want is the OM, then the best thing to do is divorce. Otherwise you are lying to your husband during your confession.

 

I don't think that waiting will help. If you decide that you want the OM, then the wait will mean that instead of confessing, you will be asking your husband for a divorce. If you decide that you want your H, he'll ask "how can that be true when you waited so long to confess?"

 

As for the kids, if you reconcile with your husband they probably will notice some tenseness around the house but will otherwise be little affected. If you divorce they will be devastated.

 

Not to nitpick... but I feel like a lot of the advice I've been given on here is on the importance of thinking about why I did this, and looking inside to figure out what is wrong with me, etc., etc. Are you saying those are just rationalizations? Because, hey, it certainly would be easier to just say I did it because I'm a selfish jerk and I felt like it. If all my husband needed to hear is the reasons I had during the affair? Sure, that's easy. But don't I owe it to him (and myself) to figure out what was really going on, if for no other reason than to try and make sure it doesn't happen again? (yes, assuming I'm still married...)

 

I don't know that a confession would be step one toward a divorce. I really don't. And, honestly, it doesn't matter if I decide I want the OM; he's not an option. I know I may get blasted for this, since it makes it seem like my husband is my second choice, but if my options are a) decide to divorce and be alone because I've decided that the unavailable OM is the only person I'll ever want and so devote myself to a Miss Havisham-style life of pining or b) (assuming he'll give me the chance) decide to try and move on, try to reconcile with my husband, and remind myself of why I married/loved him in the first place, wouldn't that second one be better?

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Waverly, I have to say you've become one of my favorite WS I've read here on LS ever...and I've been here for far too long!

 

I agree with what many of the other posters are saying. I won't rehash everything.

 

No matter what you ultimately decide about your marriage, you need to tell your H. Even if you decide to divorce him, you still need to tell him. Otherwise, he may always wonder what happened to his marriage, or just as bad, he will twist himself into a pretzel trying to save the marriage.

 

Thanks, Snowflower. I feel a little bit like that's winning the "favorite serial killer" contest, but, hey, I'll take what I can get. :)

 

And yeah. I hear you. Thanks...

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The last couple of post clears things up.

 

Confess and tell him you want a D. Don't entertain any kind of a R. I would even recommend you just push him away all together. You don't have to be mean about it and honestly if it helps I would let him have most of the stuff in the D. That might actually ease alot of the pain.

 

Your never going to be able to have any kind of a marriage to him with even the notion of the OM is the ONE in your mind. Even after those feelings fade what broke inside of you will still be there. Let your H go find the one for him. It will take him time but the more decent you are the better you both can co parent and maybe even some day you might be friends again.

 

I know this is harsh I do not mean for it to be mean in anyway but I am just basing it off your post. If I read something wrong please tell me and I would apologize.

 

Clay

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Not to nitpick... but I feel like a lot of the advice I've been given on here is on the importance of thinking about why I did this, and looking inside to figure out what is wrong with me, etc., etc. Are you saying those are just rationalizations? Because, hey, it certainly would be easier to just say 1. I did it because I'm a selfish jerk and I felt like it. If all my husband needed to hear is the reasons I had during the affair? Sure, that's easy. But don't I owe it to him (and myself) to figure out what was really going on, if for no other reason than to try and make sure it doesn't happen again? 2. (yes, assuming I'm still married...)

I don't know that a confession would be step one toward a divorce. I really don't. And, honestly, it doesn't matter if I decide I want the OM; he's not an option. 3. I know I may get blasted for this, since it makes it seem like my husband is my second choice, but if my options are a) decide to divorce and be alone because I've decided that the unavailable OM is the only person I'll ever want and so devote myself to a Miss Havisham-style life of pining or b) (assuming he'll give me the chance) decide to try and move on, try to reconcile with my husband, and remind myself of why I married/loved him in the first place, wouldn't that second one be better?

 

 

1. Hard NOT to see you in that light. 2. Yep. Very BIG assumption.

3. It's blatantly obvious that he's at least second choice (or perhaps 3rd or 4th or ...?)

This is bothering me a lot because I'm usually never this negative. I HATE divorce (having been through one many years ago myself), but honestly, I really can't devine much feeling that you hold for your husband either loving him or not. What I do see is apathy. He appears to be almost a non-person in your eyes. You're not tuned in to him or your current relationship. The answer is obvious: Get out of this and seek whatever happiness and fulfillment you can find with some other guy who'll make your heart "sing." You know, get that old "spark" lit again, because it seems to have been extinguished with your husband. Trouble is, for so many women the "spark" won't last. It never does. Next time it fades, will you seek validation from yet another OM leaving your "new" man in the dark while you struggle to decide whether to tell HIM or not? Feels kinda like Groundhog Day.

Edited by thummper
Wrong word ending.
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Not to nitpick... but I feel like a lot of the advice I've been given on here is on the importance of thinking about why I did this, and looking inside to figure out what is wrong with me, etc., etc. Are you saying those are just rationalizations? Because, hey, it certainly would be easier to just say I did it because I'm a selfish jerk and I felt like it. If all my husband needed to hear is the reasons I had during the affair? Sure, that's easy. But don't I owe it to him (and myself) to figure out what was really going on, if for no other reason than to try and make sure it doesn't happen again? (yes, assuming I'm still married...)

 

I don't know that a confession would be step one toward a divorce. I really don't. And, honestly, it doesn't matter if I decide I want the OM; he's not an option. I know I may get blasted for this, since it makes it seem like my husband is my second choice, but if my options are a) decide to divorce and be alone because I've decided that the unavailable OM is the only person I'll ever want and so devote myself to a Miss Havisham-style life of pining or b) (assuming he'll give me the chance) decide to try and move on, try to reconcile with my husband, and remind myself of why I married/loved him in the first place, wouldn't that second one be better?

 

Well, actually, Waverly, reading through your thread, I still wonder exactly that. From what you wrote the "spark" was actually never there.

I think there is no doubt your H is "second choice", it's quite clear in almost everything you posted, and I think it will be obvious to him if/when you confess.

You may end up staying together for the kids, but I think you won't be able to work on your marriage, because there's simply nothing to work on.

Sorry for being so harsh but that's what I see in what you wrote.

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Well, actually, Waverly, reading through your thread, I still wonder exactly that. From what you wrote the "spark" was actually never there.

I think there is no doubt your H is "second choice", it's quite clear in almost everything you posted, and I think it will be obvious to him if/when you confess.

You may end up staying together for the kids, but I think you won't be able to work on your marriage, because there's simply nothing to work on.

Sorry for being so harsh but that's what I see in what you wrote.

 

But here's the thing: I did choose my husband. Time and time again. The entire past decade I knew I could have had the OM and I chose my husband. Is it so unreasonable to think I could get back to that?

 

(I was exaggerating with the Miss Havisham thing, by the way...)

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What would it take to get that feeling back for your H? Usually to justify the affair, his faults would be magnified.

 

Help the poor guy out, and tell him. After he knows, if you still want to, you could try to get the feeling back, but if you can't, set him free. Let him find someone that really cares about him.

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Not to nitpick... but I feel like a lot of the advice I've been given on here is on the importance of thinking about why I did this, and looking inside to figure out what is wrong with me, etc., etc. Are you saying those are just rationalizations? Because, hey, it certainly would be easier to just say I did it because I'm a selfish jerk and I felt like it. If all my husband needed to hear is the reasons I had during the affair? Sure, that's easy. But don't I owe it to him (and myself) to figure out what was really going on, if for no other reason than to try and make sure it doesn't happen again? (yes, assuming I'm still married...)

 

What I meant was that we humans are great rationalizers. You've just about said the same thing above. Some folks never come up with a reason why they had an affair.

 

My personal guess, based on some experience, is that affairs get started because there is some emotional link with the other person. It doesn't even have to be a serious emotional link. Perhaps it is just somebody a person talks to at work. Both sides then dance around the link a bit. There's new energy and most importantly there is someone giving a person a bit of excitement that's missing in the marriage. The relationship gets more intense, somebody makes a move, things become both physical and wonderful because people can't help falling into a bit of a married rut after a while and the fantasy land of an affair makes one feel young and wanted and sexy and on and on and on.

 

Now try to figure out how that all started. See what I mean?

 

I don't know that a confession would be step one toward a divorce. I really don't. And, honestly, it doesn't matter if I decide I want the OM; he's not an option. I know I may get blasted for this, since it makes it seem like my husband is my second choice, but if my options are a) decide to divorce and be alone because I've decided that the unavailable OM is the only person I'll ever want and so devote myself to a Miss Havisham-style life of pining or b) (assuming he'll give me the chance) decide to try and move on, try to reconcile with my husband, and remind myself of why I married/loved him in the first place, wouldn't that second one be better?

 

Yes, perhaps. But you'd be settling, wouldn't you? You may think that if you divorce you will think that the unavailable OM is the only person you'll ever want, but I doubt that. Since he's unavailable you'd have to break contact with him or you'd only be torturing each other. And once you do that, in a year or so you find that other men are interesting, including some that are very interesting.

 

We just don't know what the future holds. If you really can't decide, perhaps a confession might be best. It would at least give your husband a heads up about what is going on. And perhaps there is a spark of your original relationship left?

 

Do NOT fake a reconciliation. That would be horrible and will not work.

 

But it is a difficult situation. There's no doubt about it. No matter what you do, the odds are you and your husband, together or not, will go through hell. I feel for you, I really do.

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Hope Shimmers
But you'd be settling, wouldn't you? You may think that if you divorce you will think that the unavailable OM is the only person you'll ever want, but I doubt that.

 

To me these two sentences are contradictory.

 

If she will likely realize that the OM isn't the best guy to be with if she does get a divorce, then who's to say that she won't feel differently about her H down the line if she stays? Especially since that's where her efforts will be? Why is it a finality that she would be 'settling' to stay with her H, yet all her feelings about OM will be different down the line?

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But here's the thing: I did choose my husband. Time and time again. The entire past decade I knew I could have had the OM and I chose my husband. Is it so unreasonable to think I could get back to that?

 

(I was exaggerating with the Miss Havisham thing, by the way...)

 

I think you chose your husband because he was a nice guy you got along with, and he could be a solid, steady H. You liked him, but you never really loved him. The OM had issues, a drinking problem, wasn't really a safe choice.

I think the A demonstrated that you couldn't really settle with what you rationally chose, the missing chemistry made you look for something/someone else.

Sooner or later, this will happen again IMHO.

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But here's the thing: I did choose my husband. Time and time again. The entire past decade I knew I could have had the OM and I chose my husband. Is it so unreasonable to think I could get back to that?

 

(I was exaggerating with the Miss Havisham thing, by the way...)

If you'll recall, Miss Havisham died in a fire toward the end of Great Expectations.

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If you'll recall, Miss Havisham died in a fire toward the end of Great Expectations.

 

That's not really the part I was referring to...but thanks for the reminder...?

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Scott Thomas

Q1. Do you live your husband?

Q2. Do you live your husband more than the AP (yes or no would suffice)

Q3. If given a chance to take the clock back 15 years, and given the opportunity to choose between the AP and your H, who would you choose (don't say that you don't know because you chose the AP during a part if your marriage)

Q4. Do you think your husband deserves the truth?

Q5. Do you think your husband deserves the chance to spend his life, whatever is left of it, with a woman who genuinely cares, lives and cherishes him?

Q6. Do you think your children deserve a mommy who doesn't cheat on daddy?

 

I just returned from a trip to Nigeria. The poverty and standard of life there is unimaginable. Broken homes, orphaned children, widowed wives, starving villages. I know 35 people who would do anything to live a normal life. Why are you so desperate to destroy yours?

 

On a further note, how long do you plan on deceiving your husband? Has he physically/emotionally abused you? Did he cheat in you? Does he spend his entire time on the sofa, pondering about his mistress while you're working hard to support the family?

 

Good Luck, you gave a long journey ahead....

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Also, I spent two years in the peace corps. You're preaching to the choir here about understanding the privilege I have. But isn't that the whole point -- hierarchy of needs and all? I don't have to worry about my village being burned to the ground so I have the "luxury" of worrying about love and relationships. If I divorce my husband, I won't become a starving war widow. (Much to the disappointment of some, I'm sure.)

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Also, I spent two years in the peace corps. You're preaching to the choir here about understanding the privilege I have. But isn't that the whole point -- hierarchy of needs and all? I don't have to worry about my village being burned to the ground so I have the "luxury" of worrying about love and relationships. If I divorce my husband, I won't become a starving war widow. (Much to the disappointment of some, I'm sure.)

 

 

 

How many years are you married?

When did the affair start and end?

Was is an EA, PA, both?

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Scott Thomas

Are you willing to do the following:

 

1. Tell the truth

2. If your H decides to forgive you, work on your M

3. Maintain NC with the OM

4. Again, you'll need to work hard for your marriage to survive, if that's what you want in the first place

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I don't want to be this person.

 

This is the point. You are this person now. This is who you have become. Its hard to look at and I'm sure its even harder to try to come to terms with. You are now a cheater. You might never cheat again but most people that do this will do it again. You can learn from this experience but you cant do it while your still lieing to your husband and yourself.

 

I would release your Husband from this marriage. You can try to fix it but its just like I said before there is something broke inside of you. The love you had for your husband was not enough to stop you from cheating on him the first time. What really makes you think you can repair this marriage to a point where you will never do it again. Especially while you are a board with strangers saying the OM is the ONE that you will be pining for.

 

Getting a Divorce will allow you both to be happier and as a result your children will be happier.

 

 

Clay

Edited by Clay
correction
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This is the point. You are this person now. This is who you have become. Its hard to look at and I'm sure its even harder to try to come to terms with. You are now a cheater. You might never cheat again but most people that do this will do it again. You can learn from this experience but you cant do it while your still lieing to your husband and yourself.

 

I would release your Husband from this marriage. You can try to fix it but its just like I said before there is something broke inside of you. The love you had for your husband was not enough to stop you from cheating on him the first time. What really makes you think you can repair this marriage to a point where you will never do it again. Especially while you are a board with strangers saying the OM is the ONE that you will be pining for.

 

Getting a Divorce will allow you both to be happier and as a result your children will be happier.

 

 

Clay

 

The thing about pining was hyperbole -- I don't really think that's what I would end up doing. Yes, I still have feelings for the OM, but I'm trying to get past them. I don't really expect to spend years pining after him, whether I stay married or not.

 

Is it really true that most people who cheat end up doing it again? I'm genuinely curious if that's true or not.

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