My MOM? A cheater?

[HermioneG]

OT: I sure as hell didn't get over my baby's death in two weeks. And I find it terrible that anyone would suggest otherwise.

 

Agreed.

 

And I am very confused by the use of "get over" with regards to the death of a loved one.

 

Coping and moving forward anyway is what I've found.

[painfullyobvious]

I spend too much time on LoveSack.org. I saw your topic and thought married other man (mom).

[Got it]

A DD giving parents books then stepping back is not being a fixer but a catalyst for good.

 

 

Also her dad has no one else. Hinting at noticing something and offering her support can make a difference. Being sympathetic with her ears is not the same as her offering guidance.

 

 

Moot point because the OP has left the building.

 

Offering guidance is not her job or responsibility. You are assuming her dad has no one else. You do not know that. She doesn't know that. These are assumptions. You are assuming a poor MC. That is an assumption.

 

And again, her job is not to fix this. Her mother's job is to fix this. She didn't break things her mother did. Her mother needs to be doing the research on how to turn things around, her mother needs to do the research to find the books that will help them heal, her mother needs to turn over every rock to figure this out.

 

The OP's job is to be the daughter to both of them. Her job is to love them. Her job is not to play MC, IC, or peer support. Would you expect a 6 year old to do as you suggested? A 10 year old? 16 year old? 18 year old? I think this is grossly overstepping the lines.

 

I say this as a daughter that was pulled in by both parents as a sounding board and sympathetic ear. I learned far more than I should have about their marital dislikes and angst and I don't appreciate it from either one of them. I should not have been privy to some information nor should I have been expected to listen or advise.

 

Bottom line, it wasn't fair to me as their daughter and I have a right to that. I have a right to just be the daughter and not the codependent fixer of their issues.

 

So I am not assuming a one size fit all belief but what I am responding to is the pushing that a daughter needs to put herself in the middle of the marital concerns. Having fought codependency through most of my young adult years because of similar beliefs this alarms me greatly.

 

At the end of the day, like almost all reconciliations, the reconciliation will live or die on the efforts of the WS and their attempts at fixing what broke them and their efforts on healing the marriage. No one else can do that.

[newnameforthis]

Yes, I had indeed left the building for a few days. I found that it seemed too personal, and questioned whether I should have laid it all out. I used to read/post in some of the other forums, and the place jumped to mind when things were so jumbled.

 

My mom called a couple days ago, and generally told me that things are about the same. Its not like this is a topic we can really discuss like other things. She doesn't specifically talk about the event. The between-the-lines feel I got is she is still mostly worried about dad taking matters into his own hands. Its also still just as hard for me to imagine this.

 

Yesterday I Skyped with them. A situation where things seemed normal, but I kept wondering and trying to read the expressions on my dad's face. Is he staring into space? Did that mean something else, maybe?

 

My husband continues to be perfectly supportive, and incredulous like me. He said he hopes the other guy has a heart attack while waiting and worrying.

 

At any rate, I'll continue to behave they way they taught me.

[thummper]

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. Your poor dad must be crushed, and your mom is probably beside herself wondering how to help him. All the best to them both.