My MOM? A cheater?

[Got it]

newname - what do you want? What does your husband suggest for you to do? You guys know the dynamics better. I think everyone will have a different perspective even you, your mom and your dad and what each party wants is going to vary.

 

Rolling things back, I think the best advice is for no one to assume anything. Understanding how you feel emotionally about things, why not sit down with each parent individual, tell them that you love them, you are there to support them and what is it they would like you to do? Just like if your mom found out something you did that she didn't agree with she would probably tell you that while she doesn't love your actions, and she may be disappointed in you, she loves you and wants the best for you. Say that and ask her what she wants.

 

I think that as people work through any process after a major event what they need and want will vary. Some people may say they want to just focus on other things between the two of you, others may say they need a shoulder to cry on, vent, muse, etc. Others will want constructive advice, etc.

 

I think understanding your boundaries is important because you don't want to be sole confidant for either parent, I do not believe that is healthy for a child of any age, but you guys do what you feel is best.

 

Everyone handles things different and there are many roads to Rome. I think sometimes just knowing that someone is out there supporting and loving someone is a light at a dark time. Tell your father you support him, love him and can only imagine what he is going through right now. Even reassure him that everything he feels is normal and okay. I am not sure if there was a situation in your past where you father counseled you in a similar manner that you can use as an example. I think men and women grieve through things a little differently so your husband my have some valuable advice here as well.

 

If you want to learn more about the subject of affairs there are many books out there. Learning, understanding, and discussing with your husband on this subject and the education about it can actually help to strengthen your relationship as well.

 

Unfortunately life throws dark days on our path at time. What will be amazing is seeing your parents work through this as a team, as they seem to be doing, and seeing the strength that each one will need to forge their relationship forward. If your mom does the work she needs to do to help your dad through this, I promise you will gain respect for her again. And the attributes you will see your dad exhibiting to heal and move forward into reconciliation will be humbling and amazing.

 

Just ask them, what do they want from you? And then go from there.

[janedoe67]

Why is it wrong? when most people get over a death in 14 days. Really couldn't care about that 1 person out 100,000 who differs that is pointless to me.

 

I don't want to meet the person who can get over the death of a loved one in 14 days.

[janedoe67]

now she's bringing religion into this.

 

Uh....you don't have to be religious to use the word soul...

 

who ARE you?

[newnameforthis]

I just want to point out that to you that your dad worked the graveyard shift for 30 years means he's a great dad, but that doesn't make him a great husband. Choosing to work the graveyard shift might mean that he puts his daughter first or his job first, but where does that leave his wife? My boyfriend works the night shift currently and we have so many problems due to that. He's always energetic when I'm tired and vice versa. We rarely feel sexual desire at same time. When we spend time together we waste a lot of it sleeping at opposite hours. Sometimes we end up trying to stay awake for each other, but we're grouchy while doing so. Luckily, for us, this won't continue for 30 years, but it did for your mom. Just think about that. I am not saying this makes her cheating ok, but marital problems are hardly ever so black and white.

 

I have no idea whether the work schedule actually caused problems, but my mom never gave any indication of that. I never heard her complain about it. Publicly, she always told people she liked it. It gave my dad 3 days off (4, 10-hour shifts) he was able to get weekends off much earlier in his career, he was home every evening, and able to take time off more easily.

 

I do know that it takes an iron constitution for a person to work that shift over time. He sleep nights on his days off, and days when he worked. Always when he was most tired, he'd have to stay up and go to court.

[Eivuwan]

I see. Most people sleep days on their day off so that leaves little time for the family. However having such an erratic sleeping schedule cannot be good for mental health. I know you are shocked and just want to defend your dad but you should realize that your parents are both humans and you likely do not understand the intricacies of their marriage. What they tell you is unlikely to be the whole picture. I agree with those who say to be supportive of both parents and not take sides. Don't even try to get too involved.

[Got it]

Well you can't but be happy is the philosophy of psychiatry. Temporary sadness is permissible. Sadness lasting on a continuum should be presented to a psychiatrist.

 

Can you cite where you got the 14 day window for grieving?

[GorillaTheater]

Uh....you don't have to be religious to use the word soul...

 

who ARE you?

 

My guess is the guy who comes here periodically seeking "normal knowledge". If you've missed his posts, you're in for a treat.

[BHsigh]

If your parents gave you a good childhood, that's way more than a lot of people got. You don't know the intricacies of their relationship, really, and all the pressures that made them make the decisions that they did in the distant past. I would suggest being a loving daughter to both of them, and don't let this affect how you view them, it really doesn't have anything to do with you, even if they try to bring you into it.

 

This!!!

 

I know it's painful to you, and I'm not minimizing that or trying to upstage you OP, but my dad had an ongoing affair that started after my older sister was born and he was caught after my younger sister was born. They divorced and hated each other, I grew up with them hating each other, neither one of them were able to take care of three kids, so we were all sent to my grandparents to live, one at a time. My dad married his AP and they had one kid together, she is by far my dad's favorite, and he has never been shy about that. He all but ignores his grandchildren from me and my two full sisters and pours on the support for his and AP's daughter and two grand sons.

 

I hate my dad and still don't talk to him, I knew about his affair for about 15 years or so now, but the way that he treated us differentely was too much. Don't hate your mom, it could be much worse and could directly involve you.

[yellowmaverick]

Or someone who as actually been in the exact role as the OP and not taking it from a romantic partner/spouse's point of view.

 

Weren't you also engaged in an affair??

[road]

I have no idea whether the work schedule actually caused problems, but my mom never gave any indication of that. I never heard her complain about it. Publicly, she always told people she liked it. It gave my dad 3 days off (4, 10-hour shifts) he was able to get weekends off much earlier in his career, he was home every evening, and able to take time off more easily.

 

I do know that it takes an iron constitution for a person to work that shift over time. He sleep nights on his days off, and days when he worked. Always when he was most tired, he'd have to stay up and go to court.

 

 

 

You are just venting here.

 

 

You need to plan out what you are going to do with this knowledge. What actions are you going to take to support your dad and mom?

 

 

Talk is cheap.

[Fluttershy]

DSM-IV the bereavement exclusion.

Grief, depression, and the DSM-5. [J Psychiatr Pract. 2013] - PubMed - NCBI

 

Umm yeah no. That does not back up your wildly inapprorpriate claim.

[Fluttershy]

OP you father sounds like a very proud man and not all good pride. That doesn't make him a bad person it just means he cares too much about his "image" and how other people think. I didn't want anyone to know about my H's A initially because I was embarresed. I had to sort through everything and realize the A was because of my H's flaws not mine. I could have been anyone and still cheated on in my situation. So I get not wanting anyonr to know. In the end I chose to keep the affair private between us because it wasn't anyone else's business. Now telling would serve no purpose.

 

I don't think there is a side to take except that cheating is wrong and harmful. Doesn't sound like anyone is asking you too. I would let your father know you are there for him while he is hurting.

 

I do think people can "over react". I am not one of those BS who think however the Bs reacts is right for them. But after thinking about it more my dostaste of violence came in to play. Everyone is right. Your dad wanting to beat the crap out of the man is not doing it. I actually misread the story and thought he had directly threatened the man. So I don't think your Father is over reacting. He is still with your mother. Though after two months and him still beating the crap out of things even in front of you makes me think he needs some support.

[janedoe67]

DSM-IV the bereavement exclusion.

Grief, depression, and the DSM-5. [J Psychiatr Pract. 2013] - PubMed - NCBI

 

Wrong

 

You are completely misinterpreting and misrepresenting this info.

 

No psychologist or psychiatrist or counselor will tell you that when your spouse or parent or child dies that you'll be fine in 14 days.

 

This may shock your constitution....but you're wrong.

 

ANYWAY....

 

OP, I know it is VERY hard when you find out that a parent you greatly admired has really blown it. And it sounds like you really love both your parents. My advice would be to just be there to give them love, support, and encouragement.

[newnameforthis]

 

 

 

 

 

Talk is cheap.

 

Do tell.

 

 

 

 

(8,9,10)

[Eivuwan]

after discovering my wife's affair I was referred to a psychiatrist by my family physician. There were two psychiatrists present one was a student. The discovery of her infidelity was just two weeks old. Afterwards the doctors said that they saw tears in my eyes while I was telling the story and they put me on anti depressives, FYI tears may have been in my eyes but they weren't rolling down my cheeks. They told me that there comes a point where everybody gets over their depression regardless, and that time window is 14 days. Word to the wise be aware that your visit to the psychiatrist may get you a diagnosis and the medicine to go along with it.

 

Sounds like you went to a crappy psychiatrist.

[drifter777]

OK. Called Mom. More stuff I'm not sure I wanted to know.

 

Two months or so ago a friend of my parents suddenly died of a heart attack. This man and his ex-wife were friends of my parents for years. I know them well. Turns out that also around 20 years ago this couple's marriage experienced infidelity. My parents were aware of this.

 

The husband came to my dad, asking for details. Who is the other man? My dad did not tell him, for fear he would get himself into trouble. (He later found out the info elsewhere.) A divorce followed. For 20 years my dad was wracked with guilt for withholding this information. He (Dad) also seized on a strange feeling he got during this episode, feeling my mom was acting strangely. Gut intuition. Suspicion.

 

After the death of this man, my dad confronted mom. He had to know. Was he crazy? She admitted she too....can't type it.

 

My mom says she wishes she was the one who died instead, so Dad wouldn't have to go thru this. Unreal to hear this talk. I am kind of down and disappointed on women right now. You always hear of men, but in my life, it is the women. Yes, disappointed.

 

I'm just going to go to bed with my husband, appreciate what I have, and try to learn something. Wish more people could.

I think you don't hear about cheating woman as much as you hear about cheating men is because lots of men are like your father; ashamed to tell anyone their wife screwed another man. It's so humiliating for most of us guys that we take that truth to our death whether we divorce her or choose to stay. I was in individual counseling for over 20 years before I finally admitted to a therapist that my wife cheated. She is the only person I have ever told. So I guess your dad is a lot like most of us men. If my wife would have told my daughter (or son) about it I don't think I could have forced myself to stay with her. I think that shame would have pushed me over the edge to suicide or divorce - 50/50 on which.

 

So, don't ever approach your father to "talk" about this. He will likely be mortified that you know. Even if your mom should tell him that she told you he would likely push it out of his mind and never, ever bring it up. He would rather pretend you didn't know. He's not a woman and doesn't want to "share" his feelings with you or anyone else. Respect his privacy or risk pushing him over the edge.

[road]

Do tell.

 

 

 

 

(8,9,10)

 

 

 

I asked you to tell. I now ask again what have you planned to help them?

 

 

They need the knowledge.

 

 

You can get them the knowledge needed for them to recover their marriage. To do that get them the book Surviving An Affair By Dr Harely.

 

 

There is a new revised edition. It guides the WS and the BS.

 

 

Then get them Dr Harley's other book His Needs Her Needs.

[drifter777]

I asked you to tell. I now ask again what have you planned to help them?

 

 

They need the knowledge.

 

You can get them the knowledge needed for them to recover their marriage. To do that get them the book Surviving An Affair By Dr Harely.

Then get them Dr Harley's other book His Needs Her Needs.There is a new revised edition. It guides the WS and the BS.

 

Jeez - do you get a commission on Harley's books? You're a broken record on this and you must realize that a one-size-fits-all approach is never the right answer.

 

OP: as far as giving them anything like advice or a book, just don't do it. Like I said above, forcing your dad to acknowledge this disgrace to his kids or publicly might have disastrous results.

[veritas lux mea]

OT: I sure as hell didn't get over my baby's death in two weeks. And I find it terrible that anyone would suggest otherwise.

[veritas lux mea]

Ohoho wish you were my judge and probation officer! some guys put in a lot of work to make them look like there wives are crazy and greedy, yeah some guys really do have problems with the wife. others its just to create a history to demonstrate depresson.

 

my wife is so crazy doesn't know wether she's coming or going, last year we planned a trip to aruba at last minute changes her mind and we go to her mothers home. Goes to drink $40 martinis when across the street them same drinks go for $7 a glass. in the end who ends up paying? myself thats who.

 

my wife is constantly nagging, expects me to do ALL the chores since she is home doing notin all the time. my dream girl has turned into a nightmare.

can't get divorced because my wife cheated on me cos she'd end up with half of everything. Yeah I committed a crime aint proud of what I did, the reason why I did those crimes is cos my wife drove me to do them always needs money and I can't live without her. She's crazy and I am crazy, so I like to plead inicent by reason of insanity. onfortatly the government is way to advanced for that. They will ask you what triggered this and when. then they bring out the time table that it takes to get over the trauma and tell you. No your not crazy or depressed since you've had plenty of time to heal. but hey if you wanna speak to the judge and tell him that all this statistical analisis is bs than by all means contact my lawyer and present your views to the court. the government is far to advanced to allow room for loopholes.

I am really confused by your posts and this takes the cake. Troll much? Personally, I know I don't think and feel according to what the governemnt says.

[gettingstronger]

Yes music we all have differing variations on the same story and it's sad. No matter what, being betrayed hurts and leaves you a totally different person. Best of luck to you. Please do not be upset by those on the other side of the triangle that simply can not fathom the outcome of their actions. They have their own cross to bear.

[road]

Jeez - do you get a commission on Harley's books? You're a broken record on this and you must realize that a one-size-fits-all approach is never the right answer.

 

OP: as far as giving them anything like advice or a book, just don't do it. Like I said above, forcing your dad to acknowledge this disgrace to his kids or publicly might have disastrous results.

 

 

 

 

 

The advice given in this thread has not given her a course of action to help her parents.

 

 

I never said she must confront her dad and make him aware that she knows. I do say she should tell her dad that he appears to be under great stress. That she is willing to not be judgmental and offer her support if he needs help.

 

 

Her getting the books and giving them to her mom will not let the cat out not the bag as far as her dad is concerned. Though it gives her mom the tools to help the momo/WW and the BH heal.

 

 

No one has give any help in that manner here.

[Got it]

I asked you to tell. I now ask again what have you planned to help them?

 

 

They need the knowledge.

 

 

You can get them the knowledge needed for them to recover their marriage. To do that get them the book Surviving An Affair By Dr Harely.

 

 

There is a new revised edition. It guides the WS and the BS.

 

 

Then get them Dr Harley's other book His Needs Her Needs.

 

Wow talk about manipulative! So her parent's marriage hangs in the balance on whether or not she gives them this information.

 

Did you miss they are in MC? Don't you think that maybe, just maybe, that the MC has this covered for them and their daughter can just be their daughter and not the fixer of their marriage?

[road]

Wow talk about manipulative! So her parent's marriage hangs in the balance on whether or not she gives them this information.

 

Did you miss they are in MC? Don't you think that maybe, just maybe, that the MC has this covered for them and their daughter can just be their daughter and not the fixer of their marriage?

 

 

 

So you have never read about all the horror stories on MC's?

 

 

Having those books and seeing that the MC is close to that material then they have a good MC.

[road]

Wow talk about manipulative! So her parent's marriage hangs in the balance on whether or not she gives them this information.

 

Did you miss they are in MC? Don't you think that maybe, just maybe, that the MC has this covered for them and their daughter can just be their daughter and not the fixer of their marriage?

 

 

 

A DD giving parents books then stepping back is not being a fixer but a catalyst for good.

 

 

Also her dad has no one else. Hinting at noticing something and offering her support can make a difference. Being sympathetic with her ears is not the same as her offering guidance.

 

 

Moot point because the OP has left the building.