My MOM? A cheater?

[goodyblue]

Such a tired old story. Read through the threads, you will find the answers you need, nobody has anything new to say on this issue and everyone is beating their drums in what they feel.

 

I will say that if my kids EVER tried to get involved in my relationship, they'd get a big 'BUTT OUT' from me. Your mother should not have told you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I've read a load of bull**** in my time, but this...

 

He has just found out that whilst he was out risking his life, the woman he loved was screwing someone else.

 

Unless he threatens/resorts to spousal abuse etc. He has every right to be angry.

 

100% agree. Not to mention 20 years of deceit; anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc, that are now tainted with lies of omission.

 

FYI - I have a punching bag, too.

[newnameforthis]

No, it's none of her business.

There is no proof, evidence or anything else to suggest that any of her mother's moods and attitudes had anything to do with her affair.

 

You really believe every parental outburst would have been because she had a fling all that time ago?

Jeesh, get real.... there are other reasons for parents losing their tempers with their kids....

 

What a pile of BS..... If anything, her mother would have been gentler and more considerate out of the guilt she felt....

 

I repeat:

This is none of the OP's business, insofar as her continued involvement is concerned.

The OP needs to stand back and let her parents deal with this issue in their own way.

 

I don't know where you got the impression that I had inserted myself into this. I only observed to my mom that Dad seemed upset, and she took the reins from there. I've offered no advice, asked no questions.

 

I called her to acknowledge I'd read her letter, which I feel was the only responsible and thoughtful thing to do, and she opened up further. I've never questioned either of them on the matter.

 

For the record, in regards to moods, etc. My mom said that her bad moods and short temper were a part of the problem. She would come home angry, and snap at my Dad, then he would be hurt, starting a cycle.

Edited March 18, 2014 by newnameforthis

[Got it]

I too found out my mother cheated on my dad when I was about the same age. I found out as a young adult so many many years later as you did. My father, though, had known so it wasn't new news for him and he is the one who told me (they were divorcing).

 

My reaction? Just disappointment in both of them. For her, for cheating, for him for staying, because unlike your parents my parents never had a good marriage so to know that it was bad so many years prior seemed like a lot of stress and toxicity that we kids went through which may have been softened.

 

But what I realized with this, and a few other issues are my parents are no more mature, smarter, healthy or right than me. That even though they are "parents" they are still just like me and will stumble and make mistakes. That they try and do the right thing but screw up at times. That because they are human I need to see them as such and realize that we are all fallible and forgive them for their transgressions.

 

That helped put things in perspective for me and helped me let go some of the negative feelings.

 

Be careful how much information you get because you cannot unring that bell. Your father and mother are working through this and showing to do it together (which is wonderful). Support them in their efforts but try and stay neutral as things work through their progress. Be honest with your feelings but let them sit for a bit to make sure what filters down is your real and true thoughts and emotions. Just like you would want your parents support of you during your hard times, get them what they would give you if roles were reversed.

 

Ultimately the affair didn't have a major impact on my perception of my parents. It added a layer to my thoughts of each of them, both good and bad, but overall things didn't change. I never saw it as my mother cheating on us or cheating on the family. I have, and my siblings as well, have seen this as an issue between the two of them. I wish both of my parents had chosen better coping mechanisms for things but I try and judge them with a view as a sum of their parts and try and find forgiveness when I can.

 

Good luck with everything and ((((())))))))

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know where you got the impression that I had inserted myself into this.

I'm mererly suggesting you shouldn't.

 

I only observed to my mom that Dad seemed upset, and she took the reins from there. I've offered no advice, asked no questions.

Your mom made the mistake here, of involving you to the extent that she did. It was hardly a gentle revelation....

 

I called her to acknowledge I'd read her letter, which I feel was the only responsible and thoughtful thing to do, and she opened up further. I've never questioned either of them on the matter.

By opening up the dialogue, you've now got an unwelcome can of worms.

I probably come across as completely unsympathetic.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I sincerely feel for you.

 

When I separated from my ex, we both did everything possible to keep our daughters as far-removed from our issues as possible. Even when they posed questions to both my ex-H and me, we gently advised them that we were completely against involving them or divulging anything to them, outside of their remit.

Something for which, apparently, they are now immensely grateful.

Just to give my point foundation....

 

For the record, in regards to moods, etc. My mom said that her bad moods and short temper were a part of the problem. She would come home angry, and snap at my Dad, then he would be hurt, starting a cycle.

If you feel it would be appropriate, one thing you could suggest to them now, is that they attend counselling to work through things, in front of an impartial 'professional'.

I personally feel it's a shame you mother didn't have a sufficient hold on her emotions in ending up by permitting them to cloud her behaviour.

That IS a shame. Again, something she needs to face.

 

All I have hitherto contributed has been wholly to attempt to get you to protect yourself from a fall-out.

[road]

I don't know where you got the impression that I had inserted myself into this. I only observed to my mom that Dad seemed upset, and she took the reins from there. I've offered no advice, asked no questions.

 

I called her to acknowledge I'd read her letter, which I feel was the only responsible and thoughtful thing to do, and she opened up further. I've never questioned either of them on the matter.

 

For the record, in regards to moods, etc. My mom said that her bad moods and short temper were a part of the problem. She would come home angry, and snap at my Dad, then he would be hurt, starting a cycle.

 

 

 

You have not done anything wrong.

 

 

Your dad is reacting to a brand new affair. Even though it happened 20 years ago and is past history to your mom it is brand new to your dad.

 

 

Your mom had 20 years to process her affair.

 

 

Recovery from affairs takes two to five years. You need to get your parents the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will give both of your parents the skills and tools to handle this affair.

 

 

I would tell your dad that you have seen his behavior and know that something very bad has happened to make him that upset and act out the way he is.

 

 

That you need to know so that you can support him and help him through it.

[topaMAXX]

I just found out that my mom cheated on my dad 20+ years ago, and am sick. I cannot believe I am learning this. I think I wish I had not.

 

My husband and I went to visit my parents over the weekend. We're in our 20's, no kids. While there, I noticed my dad had a new punching bag hanging in the barn. Kinda different, but my dad has always worked out, is very strong, etc. I also noticed an old riding lawnmower was sitting outside, and it looked like someone had beat on it with something. It was really bashed up. I asked my dad, and he just joked "it was asking for it".

 

Just before dark Sat night I heard something outside, looked out and saw my dad smashing these dead tree limbs against a tree trunk. Wood was flying everywhere. After several minutes he flung some of the wood aside, then walked off with the dogs. It just seemed out of character, so I asked my mom if he was upset about something. She was silent for a minute, then said she had to get something, and went to their room. Now, I was really getting worried. When she came back, she said everything was OK, but acted nervous. She said she'd have to talk to me later, and don't bother dad. Great. More worrying. Finances? Disease?

 

When Dad came in, I could see his thumb was bloody from his wood bashing, but he acted fine. So nothing more is said; then we prepared to leave the next day. As we packed up, mom handed me a couple pieces of paper, and said to read it later. I read it as soon as we hit the car. In the letter, my mom is confessing that she had an affair when I was about 3 years old! Somehow, my dad just found out about two months ago. Has been in a rage since. I was dizzy (still am) when I saw the words. It seems impossible. Just impossible. We had barely got out to the main road, when my husband could see my reaction, and pulled over. I was almost speechless, but blurted out the news.

 

My hubby truly was speechless. He just sat and stared, then said, "your dad will kill him....How could anyone be that dumb? Your dad will kill him."

 

My dad was a police officer in a large city for 30 years, and recently retired. Started at age 21. He worked the graveyard shift all those years, so he could be home when I was. Since he retired he's been so happy with his new life on his "farm", but now I fear it is all being ruined. Part of me is furious at my mom for this. In her letter, she accepted all the blame. Said she was immature, and wanted more attention. Even admitted she was jealous of the attention my dad gave me. Seems truly remorseful, very upset with herself, and sorry she's hurt my dad so badly.

 

My dad is the sweetest, best dad you could ask for, always there, a rock. I love my mom, but when I was a kid she was often short tempered; always anxious. She's become much nicer and more thoughtful since then.

 

 

Still, the worry is my dad. Mom wrote that he called the other man, and asked to meet. (as in: fight) The other man was scared, and threatened to call the police . Right now, this is the only thing stopping my dad, fear that his old police friends will learn about this. In a way, that's lucky; otherwise Dad would probably go beat the other man something terrible. In 30 years police work my dad was shot at, stabbed thru the hand with a screwdriver, hit by a car, and in many fights, but no one ever got the better of him. I can't bear the thought of my sweet Dad getting into trouble over this. He doesn't deserve it.

 

So now, I don't know what to do. I feel like my mom is surely expecting me to call or email, but I can't yet. She said Dad's anger is only surpassed by not wanting anyone else to know. I can't stand that there's nothing I can do for him. How can people do this?! I fear I'll never be able to look at either one of them the same again.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm afraid to speak a word of this. The only bright spot has been my husband's support. He and my dad are great together, such a blessing.

 

That's awful. I don't know how I'd respond to this either.

 

Are you sure that he is actually your REAL father? Chances are if she cheated once, she probably did it multiple times.

[TaraMaiden]

That's awful. I don't know how I'd respond to this either.

 

Are you sure that he is actually your REAL father? Chances are if she cheated once, she probably did it multiple times.

 

Oh great.

Throw another bag of crap into the mix.....

 

I'm sorry, this is just schytt-stirring and wholly inappropriate.

[VeronicaRoss]

I think this is also a great time to count blessings. I have been in your situation in that both my parents cheated and didn't handle it as well as your parents. It's created messes for all of us ever since and that was 45 years ago.

 

Your parents stayed together all these years, that's kind of a miracle right there. You have benefitted from their hard work to give that stability to you and them. You can be proud of both of them for that.

 

Your mom wanted to stay with your dad, and she worked it out inside herself to do that. She did not fly off the handle and make a big drama out of it or leave him to 'find herself'. That wasn't easy work.

 

Your Dad hasn't left your mom and hasn't hurt her either.

 

This is their marriage. You're an adult.

 

No you don't approve of what your mom did, and she feels shame about what she did -- she doesn't need to be punished she's doing it to herself watching your Dad suffer. She needs support to stay strong for your Dad right now as he works through this. Tell her you're sorry she made this mistake but you'll love and support her while they work through it.

 

Your dad is humiliated. This would be a great time to talk to him about how as a married woman how thankful you are for his example. Thank him for all the things he's done and provided to you growing up and how you're life has benefitted. He needs to hear that he didn't waste his time keeping that marriage together and I'm sure you have a lot to do with those reasons. Give him a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Got it]

You have not done anything wrong.

 

 

Your dad is reacting to a brand new affair. Even though it happened 20 years ago and is past history to your mom it is brand new to your dad.

 

 

Your mom had 20 years to process her affair.

 

 

Recovery from affairs takes two to five years. You need to get your parents the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will give both of your parents the skills and tools to handle this affair.

 

 

I would tell your dad that you have seen his behavior and know that something very bad has happened to make him that upset and act out the way he is.

 

 

That you need to know so that you can support him and help him through it.

 

I disagree. I think one could do that but the OP doesn't need to do that. Buying a book, getting mental support, all of that is something that her mother needs to do for her father as they work through the affair. This is not the role of the daughter to put herself smack dab in the middle of their marital clean up.

 

I think letting her dad know that she knows what is up and that she is there, as always, with love and support is a great idea. But it is a fine line to get more involved.

 

I am glad that neither parent expected me to and neither parent expected me to help them heal. That isn't my responsibility or duty.

[yellowmaverick]

Newname - You are getting advice from two different camps on this thread. The folks who are telling you what your dad is experiencing are the folks who have been betrayed and have not cheated themselves. The ones who are telling you that your dad is overreacting and that you should essentially butt out are the folks who have been engaged in an affair. You need to consider the source in trying to sort through this mess.

[TaraMaiden]

I did explain WHY I felt he was 'over-reacting'.... and your logic is flawed, let me tell you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Newname - You are getting advice from two different camps on this thread. The folks who are telling you what your dad is experiencing are the folks who have been betrayed and have not cheated themselves. The ones who are telling you that your dad is overreacting and that you should essentially butt out are the folks who have been engaged in an affair. You need to consider the source in trying to sort through this mess.

 

Also some are not acknowledging the dynamics of family systems. When it comes to family/relationships nothing happens in a vacuum. It affects everyone in one way or another.

[Got it]

Newname - You are getting advice from two different camps on this thread. The folks who are telling you what your dad is experiencing are the folks who have been betrayed and have not cheated themselves. The ones who are telling you that your dad is overreacting and that you should essentially butt out are the folks who have been engaged in an affair. You need to consider the source in trying to sort through this mess.

 

Or someone who as actually been in the exact role as the OP and not taking it from a romantic partner/spouse's point of view.

[excusememister]

I am the BS, so that places me in the camp of the BS. What helps me most is receiving lots of support and having someone to just listen.

 

As mentioned by most, be there for your parents; give your love and support.

[Fluttershy]

I am also a BS and I think People can take the offspring involvement too far. Be there for both parents. Obviously know that affairs are wrong. But you can so so without punishin either parent. Some people don't get that. As you are a full grown adult you can make sure you realize that this has nothin to do with you. It is not your marriage. I am not saying this to mean you shouldn't feel pain. I mean so you don't blame yourself, wonder how you never knew or try to fix it. Don't make it about you. Realize your childhood was real. Your mom chose wrong twice in most eyes but I actually get uer second choice not to confess but burry it. I don't agree that it was the best course for the very reason now but if your dad in his older years is still hot headed enough to threaten physical violence I think your mom was probably one of the few people who had a plausible fear of hik doing something drastic all those years ago that could have lost him his job and even landed him in jail.

 

If you are someone who truly wants to understand everything than my advice is listen to all sides not just us BS.

[road]

I disagree. I think one could do that but the OP doesn't need to do that. Buying a book, getting mental support, all of that is something that her mother needs to do for her father as they work through the affair. This is not the role of the daughter to put herself smack dab in the middle of their marital clean up.

 

I think letting her dad know that she knows what is up and that she is there, as always, with love and support is a great idea. But it is a fine line to get more involved.

 

I am glad that neither parent expected me to and neither parent expected me to help them heal. That isn't my responsibility or duty.

 

 

 

Getting them a book for the parents to use does not put the daughter in the middle because once the book is in the parents hands she is then out of it.

 

 

She is not teaching the parents what to do the book is.

 

 

Think before posting.

[road]

I did explain WHY I felt he was 'over-reacting'.... and your logic is flawed, let me tell you.

 

 

 

OP's dad/BH is not overacting.

[beatcuff]

op, sit down, get ready, your mom is HUMAN. she is NOT the super hero you thought she was (re-read your post it appears you have them both on a pedestal). and she had sex more than X+1 (number of children plus wedding night).

 

most people are gently nudged into coming to this realization (aged 20ish to 30ish). you are getting an unfortunate crash course.

 

your mom did not cheat on you. and i am certain your parents have tons of issues. they are both your parents and will remain so.

 

best advice: do not take sides, do not play favorites, be as loving to both as you have always done. they BOTH need reassurance. let them sort it out and then move forward with them.

[Buckeye2]

One summer I went to work to "ride-along" with him a couple of times. His Sergeant asked me if I realized that my dad was always assigned the worst, most difficult area of the district. He said my dad was a victim of his own success. The best, most reliable officer in the squad gets assigned the toughest area.

 

What’s tragic is that your dad dealt with the underbelly of the city where lying a cheating were a way of life. He did that to support and protect his family living behind the white picket fence.

 

Now that he’s retired he learns that the seamy side of life invaded the very core of his family.

 

All you can do is support your parents while they work it out.

[TaraMaiden]

OP's dad/BH is not overacting.

 

In wishing to perpetrate violence on someone else, yes he is.

Nothing is worth that.

[newnameforthis]

My first instinct was not to reply about the question of paternity, as it is very presumptive, and (I think) uncalled for. To put the matter to rest, though, one glance at the two of us is all it would take to dispel this notion.

 

I'm beginning to regret posting this, as I was not looking for the judgement of the uninformed, mostly just to express the horrible impact such an act can for many years. Sort of a "you always hurt the ones you love" observation.

[excusememister]

OP, I understand how you feel. I read some of these posts and I shake my head in disbelief.

 

Some of the posters on here have a "one size fits all" mentality".

Some of them will give good, sound, life-saving advice. You sound very intelligent and I'm sure you can sort out the difference.

 

Bottom line - nobody knows your family dynamics but you. Nobody knows how you and your family have worked through difficult issues in the past. Whatever you have done as a family, kept doing it; if it's giving flowers, cards, books, a shoulder to cry on; an ear to listen.

 

You know how YOUR family operations; how they function. You guys seem close; as if you've always been there for each other.

[pteromom]

Bottom line - nobody knows your family dynamics but you. Nobody knows how you and your family have worked through difficult issues in the past. Whatever you have done as a family, kept doing it; if it's giving flowers, cards, books, a shoulder to cry on; an ear to listen.

 

You know how YOUR family operations; how they function. You guys seem close; as if you've always been there for each other.

 

True, but OP doesn't know the inner dynamics of the marriage. There is probably a lot going on there that she has never seen.

 

Your mom is a flawed person, OP. She made a poor choice during a time when it sounds like she was having a lot of personal issues.

 

That doesn't mean she does not love you - or even that she doesn't love your dad.

 

You should tell both your parents that you are NOT their therapist, and you do not want to know the details of their marital problems. That you love them both and do not want to be put into a position where you feel you have to take a side.

 

They shouldn't have even brought you into this whole mess.

 

If your dad decides he needs to go fight this other guy, it is not something you have control over. Let your parents resolve their own issue.

 

And I am not a BS, WS, or OW. I speak from the perspective of a child with a very unfaithful parent.

[TaraMaiden]

My first instinct was not to reply about the question of paternity, as it is very presumptive, and (I think) uncalled for. To put the matter to rest, though, one glance at the two of us is all it would take to dispel this notion.

 

I'm beginning to regret posting this, as I was not looking for the judgement of the uninformed, mostly just to express the horrible impact such an act can for many years. Sort of a "you always hurt the ones you love" observation.

If you'd like a Mod to close the thread, you have that option.

 

Just hit the 'Alert' button under your post, and they'll oblige.

 

For my part, I contributed to genuinely try to help.

Whatever you may take from that, I sincerely wish both you, and your parents, a healthy outcome.

 

Be well.