sidney2718 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I would. Just to offer her love and support. As a mom, if I had told my children something of this nature I'd be thrilled to get a loving phone call from them. As difficult as this situation is, your family will best benefit from offering each other your strong support and can emerge from this with a stronger bond than ever. My mom also cheated on my dad, who was also a rock. And us kids knew about it. It was a difficult situation to cope with as kids but we worked through it and mom matured and became a better person, too. It was a huge trial for my dad but in the end I really think he benefited from it. Yes, I believe he did, as ludicrous as that statement sounds. Dad couldn't handle the pain of mom's choice (we also witnessed his trying to deal with this trial) and turned to God for help. When he did that he became even more incredible than he was before. It really made a giant of a man out of him whereas before he had been wonderful but was not in touch with his heart. Not advocating a cheating wife to benefit a man, but since it happened he allowed God to use it to mold him into a more complex person who had experienced deep pain, and could empathize with others in a way he hadn't been able to before. Many people then received help and emotional and spiritual support from him when they went through their own tragedies. And he set an example for his kids of love and forgiveness. Oh, how I loved my daddy! He is gone now but the things I learned from him I will never forget and always hold dear. Thank you for this. A lesson to be taken from this thread is that while we should never condone infidelity, we should not be so quick to condemn the cheater. Empathy and compassion should always be close to our hearts. 2
sidney2718 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 That's awful. I don't know how I'd respond to this either. Are you sure that he is actually your REAL father? Chances are if she cheated once, she probably did it multiple times. I'm feelling grumpy today and this grumped me even more. As far as I know there is no evidence that a person who cheated once will do it many times. We don't even have a clue as to how many married folks have cheated, but the number must be huge, given the number of divorces. (Yes, I know that there are other reasons for divorce as well.) I think that this attitude stems from the idea that one must divorce a cheater as soon as possible, toss their belongings out on the lawn, and burn the marriage bed. There is, some folks proclaim, nothing worse than infidelity. Yet if folks will stop for a moment they will understand that there are LOTS of things worse than infidelity, most of which I would not even list here in this forum. I am not saying that infidelity isn't serious. It is. But it is not the end of the world nor should it be treated that way. In fact the number of reconciliations we read about here tells us that others agree that it isn't the end of the world. 1
sidney2718 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I think this is also a great time to count blessings. I have been in your situation in that both my parents cheated and didn't handle it as well as your parents. It's created messes for all of us ever since and that was 45 years ago. Your parents stayed together all these years, that's kind of a miracle right there. You have benefitted from their hard work to give that stability to you and them. You can be proud of both of them for that. Your mom wanted to stay with your dad, and she worked it out inside herself to do that. She did not fly off the handle and make a big drama out of it or leave him to 'find herself'. That wasn't easy work. Your Dad hasn't left your mom and hasn't hurt her either. This is their marriage. You're an adult. No you don't approve of what your mom did, and she feels shame about what she did -- she doesn't need to be punished she's doing it to herself watching your Dad suffer. She needs support to stay strong for your Dad right now as he works through this. Tell her you're sorry she made this mistake but you'll love and support her while they work through it. Your dad is humiliated. This would be a great time to talk to him about how as a married woman how thankful you are for his example. Thank him for all the things he's done and provided to you growing up and how you're life has benefitted. He needs to hear that he didn't waste his time keeping that marriage together and I'm sure you have a lot to do with those reasons. Give him a light at the end of the tunnel. Excellent!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I think he's retired....? EDIT: Just checked the OP's first post. Yup. My dad was a police officer in a large city for 30 years, and recently retired. Started at age 21.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I don't think we have any right to assume we can get into the mind of a person who's just found out that their marriage was damaged by the actions of a wayward spouse. I never condone violence of any kind, by anyone, against anyone. But I can certainly understand the mental desire....
Author newnameforthis Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Again how long has your Dad know about the affair? As I understand, only a couple months. Apparently, (don't have whole story) he had some suspicion all those years ago, and my mom told him no. He accepted it at the time, then asked again after this friend suddenly died. I think when this man died who had undergone something similar, it re-awakened somehow, and was bothering him. 1
Author newnameforthis Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 I find interesting that a cop would beat his lawnmower and punching bag until his thumb bled. Since cops that work in high risk areas are screened for ptsd. I think most people have no real idea what goes on with police depts. I can assure you that in 1983 when my dad hired on, no one had any questions or screenings about ptsd. Besides, this has nothing to do with his work. PTSD? While he was on injury leave for the screwdriver-through-the-hand business he replaced shingles on our roof. He doesn't get PTSD, he gives it. (trying to make a joke) 3
Author newnameforthis Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 According to the 2014 DSM if your depression (anger,sadness) last for 15 days or more you could qualify for a diagnosis. I know plenty about this since my wife cheated 16 years ago and I still can't get over this. Is it possible that your Dad may suffer from depression? Sorry, wasn't trying to be snide before. Depression? Maybe now, but wouldn't think so before. However, like many in the police field, he has removed himself over the years from crowds, parties, etc. He and my mom both. They now live in a very isolated, safe, quiet area. Still, he is always the first one people come to for help, and he gladly gives it.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I think most people have no real idea what goes on with police depts. I can assure you that in 1983 when my dad hired on, no one had any questions or screenings about ptsd. Besides, this has nothing to do with his work. PTSD? While he was on injury leave for the screwdriver-through-the-hand business he replaced shingles on our roof. He doesn't get PTSD, he gives it. (trying to make a joke) This above all: never lose your sense of humour! 1
janedoe67 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 That's awful. I don't know how I'd respond to this either. Are you sure that he is actually your REAL father? Chances are if she cheated once, she probably did it multiple times. This kind of baseless stuff is just cruel. There is zero reason to even go down this road at this point. People need to quit projecting. 4
janedoe67 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Newname - You are getting advice from two different camps on this thread. The folks who are telling you what your dad is experiencing are the folks who have been betrayed and have not cheated themselves. The ones who are telling you that your dad is overreacting and that you should essentially butt out are the folks who have been engaged in an affair. You need to consider the source in trying to sort through this mess. Generalize much? I think her dad's reaction is absolutely understandable. He JUST found out his wife betrayed him and hid it for 20 years. Of course he is crushed and hurt and re-examining everything. Not ALL cheaters are soulless voids without compassion . 3
Furious Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 It's obvious you love both your parents and I urge you to continue loving and supporting both your parents. Your dad doesn't know you know and it's put you in a tough spot. Where do you go from here.... I advise you to give your parents space and not insert yourself further other than just keeping a concerned eye on how they're doing. It's obvious your dad is a strong and prideful man and he may not have wanted you to know what he's going through. Urge your mom to encourage your dad to get individual counselling. Lay low...but try to spend time with your parents...invite them to your place for dinner...plan family get togethers...this will be like medicine for both your parents. You're a smart young woman....and I believe you will handle this with care and sensitivity. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Somewhere between it is none of your business and buying them books on infidelity is where you should try to stay. Anything traumatic that happens to another family members affects the whole family. It is balancing that new dynamic that takes forethought. Asking others for help in navigating is a great step. Reaching out to let them know you love them is wonderful advice. Asking for a DNA test to be done on yourself...not so much. If I could give just one piece of advice.....try to be yourself with them both, dont let it change the obvious loving relationships that you have all enjoyed, keep doing things that you have always done as daughter. In a nutshell.....be the constant for them both, don't let it change you in a negative way. What lucky parents you have, to have such a caring daughter. 3
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 If I could give just one piece of advice.....try to be yourself with them both, dont let it change the obvious loving relationships that you have all enjoyed, keep doing things that you have always done as daughter. In a nutshell.....be the constant for them both, don't let it change you in a negative way. What lucky parents you have, to have such a caring daughter. Good points and yes, ^^^ damn right.
peaksandvalleys Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I don't know what to say to you. I don't agree with many of the posters who say it isn't your business but you have to remove yourself as much as you can to try to find your balance. You and your father have every right to be hurt and angry because for you it is as new as it happened yesterday. I hope that you find your peace soon. 4
harrybrown Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Sorry that your family is having this experience. I have four daughters. They are close to their mother. So when I walk into the room, they stop their conversation, until I leave the room. I do hope you will be able to give some support to both parents. I have tried for almost 40 years to provide for my family and tried to be a good husband and father. I would have never known unless someone else told me and they did. (sent me a wonderful picture) I do hope you will give support to your Mom, but also to your Dad. One of the things that I did wrong was that in order to provide for the family, I worked many many hours. That was the mistake that I made. She was lonely, but likes shopping and spending. I do hope you do give your father some support, before he decides that he has had enough of working to provide for others and when is his turn for any fun in this life? I still have to sacrifice for a few more years, before it is my turn. (maybe 5 more years) It has been 3 years now, and she will not tell me who was in the picture with her. (naked on our bed, both of them, but you can't see his head) I am sorry for your Mom, it can not be easy for her. But it is devastating for your Dad for all of his marriage to be a lie, and find out two months ago. Let them both know that you do care about both of them. Then if your Dad gets to travel and have fun in 5 years, he will not have to go by himself. He can take some family along with him. Limbo land and lonely is hell. Wish happiness to all of you. 1
yellowmaverick Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) [quote name=janedoe Not ALL cheaters are soulless voids without compassion .[/quote] Never said they were. Never came close to saying that. That being said, every comment offered in this thread that her father was "overreacting" or the affair should have no impact on her has come from a cheater or affair partner. I was just pointing out that the ones who are hurt from their spouse's affair - the people in the same position as her father - are the ones who know how it feels. Frankly, to make the statement that a spouse who discovered an affair only two months ago is "overreacting" shows a complete lack of compassion. Personally, I think it's good that she is considering how her father may feel. If more people considered the impact of infidelity, it may not be so prevalent. Edited to add: My WH's father cheated on his mother. If my MIL showed any emotion at all, her H accused her of "overreacting". So she stuffed it down. She puts on her happy little face for him and drinks herself to oblivion every day. My H's lesson from that was, "See, affairs are really all that big of a deal. My mom got over over it". If my WH had seen what the OP had seen, maybe he wouldn't have cheated. But who knows. Edited March 18, 2014 by yellowmaverick 1
janedoe67 Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Frankly, to make the statement that a spouse who discovered an affair only two months ago is "overreacting" shows a complete lack of compassion. Personally, I think it's good that she is considering how her father may feel. If more people considered the impact of infidelity, it may not be so prevalent. I absolutely agree with this. Saying that being emotional only two months after finding out something that shakes your whole world is overreacting is...well, just wrong. 4
Author newnameforthis Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 If more people considered the impact of infidelity, it may not be so prevalent. . This is what I'd like to condense the whole discussion to. It is so easily avoidable, and so short sighted. Tragic. 5
Try Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If you want my honest opinion, this happened a long time ago, and your dad is over-reacting. Beating the other guy up is dramatic and unnecessary. The father is not over-reacting. For him this is new and it changes his views on who his wife really is. As for her father wanting to beat-up the other guy, the fact is that her father controlled his rage and did not do it, but you cannot blame him for wanting too. There is hardly a cheated on man alive that does not want to beat-up their wife's affair partner up, but wanting to and doing it are two very different things. So stop trying to make the father into the bad guy here. it's none of her business. I call bull to this. Her father is hurting and that is the business of the OP as his daughter. Her father needs emotional support and help that his wife the cheater cannot give him. She as his daughter needs to be there for him. If the culprit that hurt her father was not her mother, you would not be debating her involvement. Just because the culprit is her mother does not change the fact that he needs his daughter's support and love. If her father does something foolish like get drunk and drive off of a cliff, the OP would regret for the rest of her life that she was not there for her father when he needed her. Unless the children are very young, it is normal and OK for them to know about affairs, and to have them give comfort where they can. You really believe every parental outburst would have been because she had a fling all that time ago? Let me flip this on you. Do you really beleive that none of the parental issues were caused by the affair that she had? People that have affairs almost always rationalize their cheating by over focusing on the faults of the betrayed spouse. They hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold to themselves, knowing that no human can pass such a standard. In this case, her mother admitted that one of her father's false faults was that "she was jealous of the attention" that her dad gave to the OP as a daughter, so the mother's cheating did in fact very much impact the OP and how the OP was treated as a child. What a pile of BS..... If anything, her mother would have been gentler and more considerate out of the guilt she felt.... Talk about a pile of BS, there is absolutely no facts to support that cheaters are nicer to their children because they are having an affair. In this specific case we know otherwise as the OP stated about her mother that "when I was a kid she was often short tempered; always anxious". This coupled with the fact that the mother admitted that "she was jealous of the attention" that her dad gave to the OP as a daughter, argues completely against your ridiculous assertion that cheaters are gentler parents because of their affair. 2
Eivuwan Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I just want to point out that to you that your dad worked the graveyard shift for 30 years means he's a great dad, but that doesn't make him a great husband. Choosing to work the graveyard shift might mean that he puts his daughter first or his job first, but where does that leave his wife? My boyfriend works the night shift currently and we have so many problems due to that. He's always energetic when I'm tired and vice versa. We rarely feel sexual desire at same time. When we spend time together we waste a lot of it sleeping at opposite hours. Sometimes we end up trying to stay awake for each other, but we're grouchy while doing so. Luckily, for us, this won't continue for 30 years, but it did for your mom. Just think about that. I am not saying this makes her cheating ok, but marital problems are hardly ever so black and white. 1
Fluttershy Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 The father is not over-reacting. For him this is new and it changes his views on who his wife really is. As for her father wanting to beat-up the other guy, the fact is that her father controlled his rage and did not do it, but you cannot blame him for wanting too. There is hardly a cheated on man alive that does not want to beat-up their wife's affair partner up, but wanting to and doing it are two very different things. So stop trying to make the father into the bad guy here. I call bull to this. Her father is hurting and that is the business of the OP as his daughter. Her father needs emotional support and help that his wife the cheater cannot give him. She as his daughter needs to be there for him. If the culprit that hurt her father was not her mother, you would not be debating her involvement. Just because the culprit is her mother does not change the fact that he needs his daughter's support and love. If her father does something foolish like get drunk and drive off of a cliff, the OP would regret for the rest of her life that she was not there for her father when he needed her. Unless the children are very young, it is normal and OK for them to know about affairs, and to have them give comfort where they can. Let me flip this on you. Do you really beleive that none of the parental issues were caused by the affair that she had? People that have affairs almost always rationalize their cheating by over focusing on the faults of the betrayed spouse. They hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold to themselves, knowing that no human can pass such a standard. In this case, her mother admitted that one of her father's false faults was that "she was jealous of the attention" that her dad gave to the OP as a daughter, so the mother's cheating did in fact very much impact the OP and how the OP was treated as a child. Talk about a pile of BS, there is absolutely no facts to support that cheaters are nicer to their children because they are having an affair. In this specific case we know otherwise as the OP stated about her mother that "when I was a kid she was often short tempered; always anxious". This coupled with the fact that the mother admitted that "she was jealous of the attention" that her dad gave to the OP as a daughter, argues completely against your ridiculous assertion that cheaters are gentler parents because of their affair. I am not saying O disagree with you but I believe tara was talking about all the uears after her mother's A and how she treated her daughter then. It is very likely that after the mother's affair ended she overcompensated out of guilt. I don't think that idea is BS.
VeronicaRoss Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I just wanted to say again I think your parents are both people you can be really proud of. Tough situation, pretty adult responses on both sides. I wish my parents had the maturity of yours, it would have changed our lives in so many ways. May all of you recover from this and realize even more how precious what you have really is. 1
drifter777 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 If you want my honest opinion, this happened a long time ago, and your dad is over-reacting. Beating the other guy up is dramatic and unnecessary. He should really be focusing on what the hell happened between him and your mother all that time ago, to precipitate such bad behaviour on her part. This is so incredibly wrong I don't know where to start. First, it did not happen a long time ago, it happened a couple months ago. The anger, pain, and shame of infidelity starts on d-day, and you know this so how can you possibly tell this poor woman her dad is overreacting? And now you say he should focus on what happened 20 years ago to precipitate his wife's cheating? Maybe let the bleeding stop before asking him how the knife got into his back. OP: Saying this is none of your business must make you feel confused. After all, its your mom & dad and how can this be none of your business? I think what people are trying to say is that you can't fix this so don't try. Whatever happens to their marriage is up to them. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 This is so incredibly wrong I don't know where to start. First, it did not happen a long time ago, it happened a couple months ago. The anger, pain, and shame of infidelity starts on d-day, and you know this so how can you possibly tell this poor woman her dad is overreacting? And now you say he should focus on what happened 20 years ago to precipitate his wife's cheating? Maybe let the bleeding stop before asking him how the knife got into his back. OP: Saying this is none of your business must make you feel confused. After all, its your mom & dad and how can this be none of your business? I think what people are trying to say is that you can't fix this so don't try. Whatever happens to their marriage is up to them. If you were to read on, I intended that his violent intentions were an over-reaction. Everything you say with regard to his emotional responses, stands, and I agree with. The bit about beating the schytt out of the other guy - is the over-reaction, because violence helps no-one and solves nothing. As it stands, her dad sensibly took out his temper on objects unable to either retaliate or feel pain. He's an ex-cop - he knows how to channel his extreme emotions.
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