My boyfriend has a female roommate and I hate it

[Agent Orange]

Yup. We've been working on ourselves as individuals as well as trying to improve our relationship. A lot of problems came as a result of the 2 1/2 years of distance, so there was a two steps forward, three steps back sort of thing happening for a while. Hopefully with him closer, the changes will come a little faster and somewhat easier.

[Els]

I'm not suggesting that you immediately break up with him. But by identifying what the main cause for your concerns are, it would be much easier to communicate with him about the problem and try to resolve it together. If you seem to be complaining about every little thing (the house deco when you're not even living there, etc), then that will make communication about the big issues more difficult.

 

In other words, choose your battles wisely.

[Agent Orange]

I agree with choosing my battles, which I've gotten better at over the years. The only reason I focused so heavily on the decor was because it really took me by surprise and I wasn't expecting the place to look so put together less than a week after he moved in. I guess it felt like he moved in with another woman as opposed to moving in to a new apartment with a female roommate - if that makes sense. Plus I'm not usually able to see what's upsetting me as it's happening. Most of the time I can't put my finger on it for a few days or longer so addressing it last night was a step in the right direction for me.

[LittleTiger]

So it's your dog over your relationship. Your boyfriend makes important decisions without consulting you. You have been together for a long time. Sounds more like a habit than something you are both really invested in.

 

I put my cats above my relationship. I always have and I always will - and my relationship is fantastic! We work around any obstacles 'together'. Her problem here has nothing to do with her animals - it's his attitude towards her, and her acceptance of it, that's the issue.

[Emilia]

90 minutes isn't so much "long distance" as it was a complete pain in the a**. We couldn't see one another every weekend for a multitude of reasons. Where he used to live is basically the most inconvenient place in NJ. He was at least 30 minutes from the nearest train station and had to rely on temperamental family members for rides to/from the station. For a while the only other option was for me to drive down to pick him up, drive back to my house and repeat the process to take him home. I did this a few times, but it grew too costly (gas, tolls). We also had conflicting schedules - at one point I was working two jobs before starting school full time so weekends weren't exactly "free." He also has been working 60-80 hrs/week for the last year, so again, weekends don't yield spare time.

But people find solutions to this kind of thing all the time. When there is a will there is a way and all that. Getting a car, getting a motorbike if a car is too expensive? If the option would have been you driving back and forth, I stand by my point that this isn't as important to him as it is to you. Adults conquer something like this. Perhaps by changing location unless he is in the army.

My personal circumstances definitely inhibit certain aspects of my life. I'm a full time graduate student, so working a job that pays enough to move would require either quitting school or reducing to part-time enrollment neither of which are an option right now since I'm in the middle of my master's thesis and applying to PhD programs in the fall. Financially, my focus has to remain on the future. Combine that with my dog, who is 90+ pounds, moving isn't in the cards for at least another year and that's if I can find a place that will take an animal his size. Otherwise I'm obligated to send him back to the agency I adopted him from. Since he's 6, it's unlikely he'd be adopted again and I refuse to do that to him.

I'm pretty sure I would be able to find a place big enough to accommodate a 90+ lbs animal if my relationship depended on it.

 

Maybe neither of you care enough.

[Agent Orange]

But people find solutions to this kind of thing all the time. When there is a will there is a way and all that. Getting a car, getting a motorbike if a car is too expensive? If the option would have been you driving back and forth, I stand by my point that this isn't as important to him as it is to you. Adults conquer something like this. Perhaps by changing location unless he is in the army.

 

I don't see why I have to defend this but since you don't seem to understand the circumstances, I'll go ahead and explain further. Without his own car, he was completely dependent on other people for rides, a situation that once left him walking ten miles for a haircut the day before a job interview because his ride left without him. He didn't live in an area with any reliable public transportation and at the time, didn't have the resources to buy a car. He and I went back and forth about this more times than I care to remember and the bottom line was always a matter of finances. My bf doesn't have a lot of discretionary income, so buying a car wasn't as important as paying down his school loans. It sucked, but that's the way it went. I can't get but so mad at him for trying to be financially responsible.

 

I'm pretty sure I would be able to find a place big enough to accommodate a 90+ lbs animal if my relationship depended on it.

 

It's not a matter of finding a place big enough, it's finding somewhere with a flexible pet policy. Most landlords in this area don't want people with animals, and when they do there's typically a weight restriction.

 

Maybe neither of you care enough.

 

Well, we've cared enough to make it this far despite the obstacles. If neither of us cared, I highly doubt we'd still be together.

[justwhoiam]

I put my cats above my relationship. I always have and I always will - and my relationship is fantastic! We work around any obstacles 'together'. Her problem here has nothing to do with her animals - it's his attitude towards her, and her acceptance of it, that's the issue.

Are you serious? So if your husband or the love of your life gets seriously sick and can't be near your cats, what? You leave him? And stay with the cats? Congrats.

 

Without his own car, he was completely dependent on other people for rides

We can safely say this is not the kind of guy who goes out of his way for love. So he wouldn't be boyfriend material for me. I can need very little, but it must come from the heart. And it's the thought that counts, if you know what I mean.

 

we've cared enough to make it this far despite the obstacles. If neither of us cared, I highly doubt we'd still be together.

Plainly said, you're still together just because YOU've been trying hard.

[darkmoon]

this guy owes you a male replacement room-mate, to put you first he does, soonish please, she ought not to hang on either, I would leave him rather than put up with this insensitive rigmarole, flats might be scarce but they are out there

 

 

she has a front door key to his very life - does the OP have a key? prolly not

 

 

dealbreaker can the OP flit in and out of his life like she will be free to?

Edited March 21, 2014 by darkmoon

[Agent Orange]

We can safely say this is not the kind of guy who goes out of his way for love.

 

He has gone out of his way, as have I. We've both made sacrifices over the years which is why I let some things slide and address others. He does the same. Neither of us are easy people to deal with. I'm high strung and over emotional while he tends to keep his true feelings bottled up.

 

So he wouldn't be boyfriend material for me.

 

Guess it's a good thing you're not the one dating him then, isn't it?

 

Plainly said, you're still together just because YOU've been trying hard.

 

Yes, I have been trying hard and much harder than he has at times. I readily admit that. Most relationships aren't 50/50 all the time. More often than not, one parter puts in more effort. It's unfortunate, but that's reality. Sometimes it's 60/40, other times it's 80/20 and vice versa. I support him the best I can, and he does the same. Our relationship may be flawed but whose isn't?

 

I originally started this thread because I needed to vent my frustrations and wanted to get some perspective. Unfortunately it feels like I've mostly had to justify my relationship over and over again. Yes, my BF messed up and has stepped in s**t several times over the last 2 1/2 years, but so have I. Maybe its my fault for not playing up his virtues enough because it seems like a lot of the comments are trying to insinuate that he's a bad person, which he isn't. He's a man, doesn't always think, and is kind of a dumba** at times - so are most of the guys people post about. Anyway, it just feels like my relationship is on trial.

Edited March 21, 2014 by Agent Orange

[Agent Orange]

she has a front door key to his very life - does the OP have a key? prolly not

 

dealbreaker can the OP flit in and out of his life like she will be free to?

 

He's having a key made for me this week so I can come and go as I please.

[snowflakes88]

You have to take the good with the bad when you share your story, OP. Sorry, but a lot of what you've posted here sounds like you are way more invested in this relationship, try harder, and are the main reason you two are still together. You said yourself that your BF is "really selfish," "not very considerate of others," and (I think) that his move was not even for the purpose of being closer to you, but to cut his commute. Can you not see how people might view this as a less-than-stellar relationship?

[Emilia]

I don't see why I have to defend this but since you don't seem to understand the circumstances, I'll go ahead and explain further. Without his own car, he was completely dependent on other people for rides, a situation that once left him walking ten miles for a haircut the day before a job interview because his ride left without him. He didn't live in an area with any reliable public transportation and at the time, didn't have the resources to buy a car. He and I went back and forth about this more times than I care to remember and the bottom line was always a matter of finances. My bf doesn't have a lot of discretionary income, so buying a car wasn't as important as paying down his school loans. It sucked, but that's the way it went. I can't get but so mad at him for trying to be financially responsible.

Excuses. Adults in this day and age find a solution to transport problems, especially when they are in a relationship: get a car, get a motorbike, move somewhere where public transport is more reliable, move closer to the girlfriend. This isn't really a problem OP when the other person cares. People move countries or continents for someone. 90 minutes??? Why not cut it down to 60 or 45? This a non-problem.

It's not a matter of finding a place big enough, it's finding somewhere with a flexible pet policy. Most landlords in this area don't want people with animals, and when they do there's typically a weight restriction.

How hard have you tried? How many people have you spoken to? Because I'm pretty sure people live in houses with big dogs and cats.

Well, we've cared enough to make it this far despite the obstacles. If neither of us cared, I highly doubt we'd still be together.

I think it would serve you very well long term to work out why you are clinging onto something that seems to only matter to you and even then you put animals before your partner. Is this the best you can do? Some guy that can't even fix his transport? Some relationship where owning a big dog gets in the way? Is this your life, really?

[HeavenOrHell]

LT had her cats before her partner came into her life, to many of us pets are our family or best buddy, and are with us through thick and thin for many years, it would be rather callous and selfish to just give them up when you start a r/ship

 

 

Are you serious? So if your husband or the love of your life gets seriously sick and can't be near your cats, what? You leave him? And stay with the cats? Congrats.

 

We can safely say this is not the kind of guy who goes out of his way for love. So he wouldn't be boyfriend material for me. I can need very little, but it must come from the heart. And it's the thought that counts, if you know what I mean.

 

Plainly said, you're still together just because YOU've been trying hard.

[LittleTiger]

Are you serious? So if your husband or the love of your life gets seriously sick and can't be near your cats, what? You leave him? And stay with the cats? Congrats.

 

No I wouldn't leave either of them. I'd find a way to take care of all of them, albeit separately.

 

No need for sarcastic 'congrats'. We all have different priorities and I'm fairly certain from your posts that my choices in life are poles apart from yours.

 

If I had enough money I would dedicate the rest of my life to building an animal sanctuary for abused and abandoned animals. If absolutely necessary, I would give up my relationship to do so because it's something I feel so strongly about. Fortunately, my future husband is the right man for me and he would support me if I ever got the chance to live my dream.

 

In a good relationship, two people are usually able to find some middle ground through discussion and understanding - something that seems to be sadly lacking in the OPs case.

[ChocolateBunny]

I can relate to this completely, dear. I was too in a long distance relationship, and my boyfriend was also moving. But he wasn't moving closer to me, we were still 2,000 miles away from each other. He moved in with two of his guy friends and a girl he didn't know. I was obviously very concerned as well, that he was a). gonna be living with a girl he didn't know, and b). that this girl was alright with moving in with 3 strange men.

 

So I told him that I wasn't comfortable with it, but he did it anyway. I felt the same way you do now. I don't really have an answer for you, other than you should communicate your feelings to him. But if you have already done that and he still doesn't seem to care, then maybe he isn't worth it after all. Best of luck!

[lollipopspot]

How hard have you tried? How many people have you spoken to? Because I'm pretty sure people live in houses with big dogs and cats.

 

Depending on where she lives, it may really be difficult to find an affordable rental that allows a big dog. Cats and small dogs are not usually as much of a problem, but apartments are generally not friendly to big dogs, and renting a house is usually more expensive.

[justwhoiam]

LT had her cats before her partner came into her life, to many of us pets are our family or best buddy, and are with us through thick and thin for many years, it would be rather callous and selfish to just give them up when you start a r/ship

I think there's a big difference between caring about one's pets, which is a must for me as soon as you get a pet, and making them a priority above human beings, especially if those human beings are family too.

 

I was questioning such priority. That doesn't mean that if you make a human being, like a husband, a mother, a daughter etc. your priority, you would disregard your pets. I would certainly be concerned about my pets and find a solution if they cannot be with me. Someone very close to me has been in and out of hospitals and emergency room back and forth for the last 6 months, and the presence of a cat or another pet would be a problem in this case. I would not throw out the person living with me because of their sickness, rather I would find a place for the cat to be in the meantime, as long as the person can recover or I would find a more long-term solution.

 

Also, a cat can get 20 years old, not much more than that, we can live beyond 80 years old. So making a cat the top priority in one's life doesn't make much sense. And believe me, I had dogs, and I simply loved them. I had four. And I especially loved one of them so much, because I got him from a public kennel and he suffered a lot. He was my shadow, always with me, following me.

 

No I wouldn't leave either of them. I'd find a way to take care of all of them, albeit separately.

That means at least equal priority, not priority to cats over a human being that is part of your family. Sorry if it seems I made a case of this, but the statement looked beyond reasonable.

 

I'm fairly certain from your posts that my choices in life are poles apart from yours.

If your career is soon after your cats, I think you are right. My career has never been a priority to me. I'm happy with my job, it pays the bills, but I didn't get rich with it. Maybe in the future, but I doubt, as it seems I share with others too much and that's in contrast with accumulating wealth.

 

If I had enough money I would dedicate the rest of my life to building an animal sanctuary for abused and abandoned animals.

Well, by this statement I guess you didn't accumulate much wealth either. Your dream is very noble and something that would certainly be useful for the community. There would be so many things we could do with enough money, that we'd be spoiled for choice. And it's good that different people would focus on different areas (the homeless, children, animals, pathological gamblers, etc.)

 

If absolutely necessary, I would give up my relationship

Well, if he didn't support your ideas or didn't love animals, I guess there would be issues in the relationship, and of course it'd be wise to break up. But that's not what I meant. And I didn't mean you should leave your cats for a guy you've been dating for 2 weeks obviously. I hope this is clear enough now.

 

In a good relationship, two people are usually able to find some middle ground through discussion and understanding - something that seems to be sadly lacking in the OPs case.

Yeah, back to the OP: the relationship seems quite unbalanced. Maybe it's just an impression, because we only know about things she shared. But many come back afterwards and thank the posters saying they were right. So let's wait and see.

[Emilia]

Depending on where she lives, it may really be difficult to find an affordable rental that allows a big dog. Cats and small dogs are not usually as much of a problem, but apartments are generally not friendly to big dogs, and renting a house is usually more expensive.

Sure I understand. You have to question your priorities if the major relationship of your life that might lead to a wedding is held hostage by a dog or a cat....

[VeronicaRoss]

I can see it from both sides. I've heard that from a lot of guys too, a female roommate is so much better -- more responsible, cleaner.

 

He truly might be making a practical decision but a lot of things can happen with proximity that no one expects. What really matters is you're uncomfortable and there are options for him with more looking.

 

There has to be a good male roommate out there somewhere. This is where you learn about him as a potential hubby, is he willing to give in areas that are not that big of a deal so you're comfortable? That's respect. And really important in the long-term.

[LittleTiger]

Sure I understand. You have to question your priorities if the major relationship of your life that might lead to a wedding is held hostage by a dog or a cat....

 

I disagree.

 

We're going OT here but I prefer animals to people and that means all people. I won't go into my beliefs about the human race or what I think should happen to us in the not too distant future as this isn't the place.

 

However, in response to your comment I will say that since animals and the planet are, I believe, infinitely more important than any individual or his/her personal desires and ambitions, I think you have to question your priorities if you put a 'wedding' above....well....most things actually!

[ladyrunner21]

After reading this entire thread (with a lot of insightful and interesting comments, btw!), I just have one question. Since it supposedly wasn't about how the roommate was female, and not about her being worried about cheating, then here's my question: if he had said "Hey honey, I'm thinking of moving closer and I'd like your input on a place", would this whole issue have been avoided?

 

Also, as someone mentioned, an hour away is not an LDR. It's just an inconvenience in location. I don't think you realize how many of us in an LDR right now would kill to be 60 minutes away from our SO. If this recent argument is the least of your problems, I say learn from it and LET IT GO.

[lollipopspot]

Also, a cat can get 20 years old, not much more than that, we can live beyond 80 years old. So making a cat the top priority in one's life doesn't make much sense. And believe me, I had dogs, and I simply loved them. I had four. And I especially loved one of them so much, because I got him from a public kennel and he suffered a lot. He was my shadow, always with me, following me.

 

This is a silly conversation at this point, but I just want to point out the flaw in your reasoning. If importance based on lifespan (as opposed to based on the relationship), then a kitten would be a more valuable "investment" than a 70 year old man. After all, the kitten may outlive the man by 10 years.

[LittleTiger]

Also, a cat can get 20 years old, not much more than that, we can live beyond 80 years old. So making a cat the top priority in one's life doesn't make much sense.

 

Your post is long and OT so I won't respond to most of it but I am curious to know what you mean by this. What difference does it make how long an animal lives in comparison with humans when it comes to deciding where they should lie in our priorities? Somebody else said this to me once (he was jealous of my love for my animals) and I couldn't understand it then either.

 

I'd be interested to know how many people in your life now are the same people who were in your life when you were 1 year old - and how many of those same people will still be in your life should you reach 80 or beyond.

[justwhoiam]

a kitten would be a more valuable "investment" than a 70 year old man. After all, the kitten may outlive the man by 10 years.

The kitten may outlive the man if you get a new one, so how would the cat already be part of your family? I don't get it.

 

I am curious to know what you mean by this.

Ok. Provided that you are with the right man. A man that has been with you for as long as the cat. Your priority is the cat. So this is what is puzzling to me. So if you are 40 and have had a cat for 10 years and have been living with your man for 10 years, you make the cat your priority. Drop the man and the cat dies after 10 years. You're without the cat and the man.

Or even. You still live with a man. Your cat dies. You've been living with this man for 10 years. You get another cat. After 1 year, your man becomes allergic to cats. You drop your man of 11 years for a cat that has been living with you for a year..

Well I hope I made my point.

 

Anyway, you said animals will always be your priority no matter what, and to me that's just some pretty harsh statement.

 

I'd be interested to know how many people in your life now are the same people who were in your life when you were 1 year old - and how many of those same people will still be in your life should you reach 80 or beyond.

I guess 65% of them are still living. If you mean we just parted ways, pretty much no one, from when I was one. Anyway, we were not talking about people crossing your path, rather living with you or your significant other and with whom you have a long-term steady relationship.

 

Bottom line: I'm not sure what is going to be different in one year or two years regarding the dog. It'll still be the same size, and they'll still have to face the issue of finding a place accepting a big dog. Which takes me back to my previous post about "procrastinating".

[lollipopspot]

Or even. You still live with a man. Your cat dies. You've been living with this man for 10 years. You get another cat. After 1 year, your man becomes allergic to cats. You drop your man of 11 years for a cat that has been living with you for a year..

Well I hope I made my point.

 

You live with a cat and a man. Your man doesn't enjoy cats. You dump the cat. Then your man cheats on you and leaves you. You probably wish you still had the cat.

 

So many scenarios.

 

If you take on a pet, that responsibility shouldn't be taken lightly. It isn't about length of life, but the quality of the relationship and the assumed responsibility. It's unfortunate that we take these animals away from their own families and bring them into ours, and then they're often the first to go because we value our own species so much more. Fine, then stick to your own species and don't rip them away from theirs.

 

I do find it unfortunate that humans domesticated pets - they're stuck in a netherworld of not being able to live freely as wild animals, and yet are dependent on humans who have generally been irresponsible with them and treat them as disposable (many mistreated, struggling to survive homeless, and millions killed in shelters every year).