My boyfriend has a female roommate and I hate it

[Almond_Joy]

I found my roomies on craigslist and they were legit. It's quicker and less of a hassle than some of those roomate sites that make you pay for use or have rigid profile forms.

 

That's beside the issue. I get times are rough and he's gotta do what he'.s gotta do, but it doesn't seem like he's serious about this relationship AT ALL if he can't even attempt to put your mind at ease about this. Like seriously he couldn't even invite you along to meet the girl? My bf and I are fairly independent of each other but we make sure that people we're in close contact with regularly are MUTUAL acquaintances. That person will be spending so much time with your bf, it just makes sense for you both to get to know her.

 

If I was that girl and your bf told me he had a gf, I'd ask to meet you or talk to you so that I'm convinced I'm not being set up for a homewrecker situation. Even if I never see you again after that meet, it's just the respectful thing to do. Rooming with the opposite sex can be touchy, all parties involved need to be respectful of that. If that girl's not asking to meet you your bf either didn't tell her he was in a relationship or doesn't think your relationship warrants a meet....an impression she would likely get from your bf.

 

I'm not saying he's looking to cheat, but it doesn't sound like he cares about your relationship in a long term sense at all. This is definitely something he should have made a better effort to put you at ease about instead of basically saying "deal with it.". That's not what someone does to someone they care about and respect.

[Keenly]

I apologize and admit that I did not read your whole post, but there was one sentence that truly stood out to me as a huge red flag of jealousy.

 

 

 

" I did not want him to get a room mate because he is a slob and I didn't want him to have room mate drama "

 

 

I'm sorry but this is a ridiculous attitude. You are not his mom, but you have a mothering mentality. You want to protect him from himself?

 

That was really the only sentence I needed to say yes, you are being unreasonable.

[Phoe]

Not to create unnecessary worry, but I once dated a guy for 3 years. He moved into a new place and one of the roommates was female. After living there for a couple months he started sleeping with her behind my back.

 

They are now married.

 

 

I personally draw the line at female roommates.

[pickflicker]

You know why a guy wants to live with a girl? Because she's usually tidy, responsible, bills are paid on time, etc. That's their perception. I've had male & female housemates, I prefer another female myself, simply because the guys got lazy. But if you're a guy, you love a female roommate.

 

Roommates are a necessarily evil. If the living situation is harmonious, you just have to trust him. I've never slept with any of my male roommates, give the girl the benefit of the doubt.

Edited March 13, 2014 by pickflicker

[d0nnivain]

Yes, you can be annoyed that he didn't honor your wishes but you recognize that the housing market in NNJ is tough & his requirements make finding a good place difficult. At least he found somebody. If you trust him & you think he has good instincts about people hang on to that. Hopefully this new roommate will be a person of integrity who will be respectful of your relationship. Plus she could turnout to be a good friend to you. Since he already signed the lease you can either make the best of a less than great situation or you can bail on the whole relationship. Maybe you will get really lucky & she will be in a relationship too so there is even less temptation (or at least more guards against it).

[OnlyHonesty]

I did NOT like that idea and it's not that I don't trust him, it's that I don't trust whoever "her" would be. I told him this and was very frank about it.

 

If you trust him then it doesn't matter what she would be like...

[TMichaels]

Why don't you ask him what *her* relationship status is? If she's in a relationship then there's less to worry about.

 

Why don't you get someone to pet-sit your dog and high-tail yourself over to his new pad and spend the weekend? I'd be curious about what the "house rules" are in terms of whether either roommate having a SO sleep over. If that's *not* allowed I'd be wondering why...

 

While you're visiting, take *her* out shopping and/or to lunch and size things up for yourself instead of continuing to back your b/f into a corner which isn't helping matters.

 

What's done is done. Try to make the best of it. Then, assess yourself what is really going on. Plus, never hurts to make it clear to both parties that you're still in the picture (if you want to be, that is).

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Agent Orange]

Why don't you ask him what *her* relationship status is? If she's in a relationship then there's less to worry about.

 

Why don't you get someone to pet-sit your dog and high-tail yourself over to his new pad and spend the weekend? I'd be curious about what the "house rules" are in terms of whether either roommate having a SO sleep over. If that's *not* allowed I'd be wondering why...

 

While you're visiting, take *her* out shopping and/or to lunch and size things up for yourself instead of continuing to back your b/f into a corner which isn't helping matters.

 

What's done is done. Try to make the best of it. Then, assess yourself what is really going on. Plus, never hurts to make it clear to both parties that you're still in the picture (if you want to be, that is).

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind once I can find the down time and am able to look at him without wanting to scream. Right now, the latter is keeping me from doing much at all.

[Els]

If you had such a big issue with it, you should have (1) stated that it was a big issue, and explained your reasons, and (2) actively helped him find another roommate to replace her with. If you'd done both of the above and he still ignored you and insisted on moving in with her, I'd agree with you that it would be concerning.

 

In this situation, it seems to me that he is moving to be closer to you, he had to find a place and roommates by himself because you won't consider moving in with him, and now that he has finally found a place and a roommate you are finding fault with it.

[Agent Orange]

If you had such a big issue with it, you should have (1) stated that it was a big issue, and explained your reasons, and (2) actively helped him find another roommate to replace her with. If you'd done both of the above and he still ignored you and insisted on moving in with her, I'd agree with you that it would be concerning.

 

In this situation, it seems to me that he is moving to be closer to you, he had to find a place and roommates by himself because you won't consider moving in with him, and now that he has finally found a place and a roommate you are finding fault with it.

 

1.) been there

2.) whenever I mentioned other options, he would shut down and the conversation would reach a stalemate. Plus like I've said in earlier posts - I was left out of most of this process. He met this girl and signed a lease within 2 days.

 

I admit he's moving closer to where I live but it's not for me, or even for us. It's mostly so he doesn't have to commute as far - hence the apartment had to be within 10 minutes of the train.

 

Yes, he did have to find his own place, because (I also addressed this earlier) I'm not in a position to move right now, especially not to the area he wanted. I'm a full time student and the pet parent of a 90lb dog so I can't afford the $1200/month rent that he can.

 

If I hadn't been left out of the process, or even been made to feel like this was more of a joint decision I'd be less pissed. But he knew full well how I felt about this and doesn't seem to care. That's what's upsetting me.

[whichwayisup]

You say been together four years, but out of those four years, how often do you see each other?

 

I just wish he were more considerate of our relationship, my feelings, and opinions.

 

I think because he doesn't include you much in his decisions, and how he treats you at times IS what makes you feel insecure and mistrustful, doubting him, and where things are heading in the future.

 

Seems his family situation, people in his family constantly borrowing money is going to be a long term thing - Especially with his mom...This is something you need to deal with.

 

There are tons of issues going on, you keep shortening the story and saying there's more, so why not spill it all with more detail.

 

Your R is far from perfect and it seems there isn't much genuine love and care between you and your LTD boyfriend. At least how he is treating you (going by what you've said on here so far) and the fact you are constantly angry and disappointed in him... You two feed off of each other and it makes things worse.

[Els]

1.) been there

2.) whenever I mentioned other options, he would shut down and the conversation would reach a stalemate. Plus like I've said in earlier posts - I was left out of most of this process. He met this girl and signed a lease within 2 days.

 

I admit he's moving closer to where I live but it's not for me, or even for us. It's mostly so he doesn't have to commute as far - hence the apartment had to be within 10 minutes of the train.

 

Yes, he did have to find his own place, because (I also addressed this earlier) I'm not in a position to move right now, especially not to the area he wanted. I'm a full time student and the pet parent of a 90lb dog so I can't afford the $1200/month rent that he can.

 

If I hadn't been left out of the process, or even been made to feel like this was more of a joint decision I'd be less pissed. But he knew full well how I felt about this and doesn't seem to care. That's what's upsetting me.

 

Ah, okay, thanks for the clarification. If you had told him about your concerns and offered to help him find a place and a roommate, then IMO he was being inconsiderate by steamrolling over that.

[Keenly]

OP, if you haven't yet, tell us what YOU want to happen.

 

What is your IDEAL endgame, here?

[justwhoiam]

My thoughts in random order:

 

• Political correctness at all times is getting on my nerves. If we're talking of my boyfriend, it's not about being politically correct. It's about a personal, specific relationship.
  

 

• He's going to live 30 minutes away, but cannot live with you, because you're broke and with pets? What if it'll take you years before you stop being broke? And pets, well, he needs to deal with them if they're part of your household. Procrastinating is not going to remove your problems, and sweeping under the carpet is like setting a bomb that might explode any moment when you least expect it.
  

 

• Sharing small living spaces can bring to several levels of intimacy, especially between a man and a woman. And things are not always as perfect as they should be. One gets drunk or throws a party, she gets out of the bathroom with a tiny robe while he's sex starved, she needs consoling after being dumped, they might cook together and spend nights together when one's emotional barriers/walls are down, etc.
  

 

• A couple should make decisions TOGETHER for major things like where to live and with whom.
  

[Agent Orange]

OP, if you haven't yet, tell us what YOU want to happen.

 

What is your IDEAL endgame, here?

I honestly don't know. He won't admit he's wrong and I'm not sure if I'll be able to look past this level of disregard for my feelings. Ideally I think I'd want him to break the lease but I know that won't happen.

[d0nnivain]

I honestly don't know. He won't admit he's wrong and I'm not sure if I'll be able to look past this level of disregard for my feelings. Ideally I think I'd want him to break the lease but I know that won't happen.

 

You do understand that if he's as broke as you say, him breaking a lease & being on the hook for all that rent plus the cost of whereever he will actually live is not viable, right? If you do want him to break the lease that bad put your money where your mouth is & offer to pay the damages he will be liable to the landlord for. Oh, that's right. You're a broke student too & can't afford it.

 

Candidly, although he should have been more considerate your feelings. He wasn't. So now you can move forward & try to find out if this new roommate is a decent person who is not a threat to your relationship or you can continue having your temper tantrum, let this fester & watch it kill your relationship. You can also just say hey, I can't get past this. I'm done & end it now. Those are your choices. Which one looks most appealing?

[Els]

I honestly don't know. He won't admit he's wrong and I'm not sure if I'll be able to look past this level of disregard for my feelings. Ideally I think I'd want him to break the lease but I know that won't happen.

 

It's quite justified for you to feel like he disregarded your feelings, because it's pretty obvious that he did. And you would be justified if you chose not to look past it, either.

 

How considerate is he of your feelings aside from this one occurrence?

[Agent Orange]

It's quite justified for you to feel like he disregarded your feelings, because it's pretty obvious that he did. And you would be justified if you chose not to look past it, either.

 

How considerate is he of your feelings aside from this one occurrence?

 

Honestly, it depends on the situation. There are times when he is quite considerate, like when I'm sick or freaking out about school. Other times, he seems unconcerned about my feelings. For example, we've had numerous fights over the distance, and him coming to visit (I couldn't stay with him because he lived with his parents). I'd ask him to come up, and he'd fight me on it. Or I'd get frustrated if we wouldn't talk for 3-4 days and he would get very defensive.

[mammasita]

Not only NO, but Hell NO.

 

A man in a relationship has absolutely no business being roomates with a woman who is not his significant other. Anyone who thinks otherwise is living in LaLa land.

[snowflakes88]

Overall, it sounds like you are waaaaaaaaaaay more invested in this relationship than he is. Does he say where he sees things going long-term?

[Agent Orange]

Overall, it sounds like you are waaaaaaaaaaay more invested in this relationship than he is. Does he say where he sees things going long-term?

 

Yeah, we've talked about long term. There's a mutual feeling that we want to do the whole married, babies, grow old together thing. But there's no concrete timeline mostly because my future is still up in the air as far as occupation, location, etc.

[d0nnivain]

Have you met this roommate yet?

[Agent Orange]

No, I haven't met her yet. I know she stopped by yesterday and was supposed to move in today. I avoided going over there this weekend because I didn't want to encounter certain family members (mostly his mother, but that's another story).

 

It's looking like I won't see the place until next week…kind of messed up, I know but my work has to come first.

[d0nnivain]

Although it doesn't excuse what feels like his disregard of your feelings, I'm still holding out hope that the roommate won't be a problem.

 

But your statement that you avoided his mother, haven't been there yet & can't find a 1/2 hour during the work week to see the new place all adds up to a bleak picture.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Not only NO, but Hell NO.

 

A man in a relationship has absolutely no business being roomates with a woman who is not his significant other. Anyone who thinks otherwise is living in LaLa land.

 

A little black and white. I have male housemates and my bf female housemates. Only been together a couple months, should we have both rearranged our living situations once we decided to get together?

 

Having said that, they're both group mixed sex settings. I'd be uncomfortable if it was just him and one woman, and understand if a partner felt similarly in return. I did however have a male friend as my flatmate just the two of us when I began a two year relationship and although my ex moved in with us both fairly quickly (due to extreme personal circumstances), he didn't have an issue with the set up. Possibly because that's how things were before he came along. Getting a opposite gender sole roomie once in a years long established R seems weird to me. But each to their own!