Coping Vortex Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I have been off LS for some time now. I had been trying to cope everyday for the last 16 months since the BU. Not a day would go by without me still thinking of her and missing her. I have immersed myself in new activities, dated various women to help me move on. But she would still haunt my thoughts. The hurt of not being with with her had tortured me for over a year. I had gotten used to finally not getting excited hearing my phone beep that I had a text. We used to text hundreds of times a day. I got used to not remembering the way she smelled, the way she kissed etc. I thought she would start to erode form my mind. But the reality she never really did. The truth is I would think of her every night I went to bed. thinking of her next to me. As a result I have not slept through the night since the BU. Today I heard through the grapevine that on Facebook she posted,"I finally found my prince charming" She got engaged. When I heard I felt like I got hit with a bat. The pain and hurt I feel is excruciating. This past December I had heard that she told someone in confidence that I was still in her heart and soul. Well, I guess that surely isn't true anymore. I do know I did all I could do for many months to try to get her back. She told me over and over after the first few months of the BU I was the one she wanted all along. But she never did make the move. I can never really know what she was really thinking. Just another level of pain to endure, even meeting new women have proven to be useless as I feel a big disconnect with anyone I have met. I have tried though I really have. But the sad truth I was, and am, still in love with her. One woman I met started to fall for me and I broke it off right away. It wouldn't have been fair to her if I was still in love with someone else. This latest news has devastated me. i knew someday it would happen but now that it has it is worse then I could imagine. How much pain do us dumpees have to take anyway?
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Dude, if this has been going on for a year, then you really need to go to IC to help you finally let go. To help you with some coping issues. 1
jphcbpa Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 you need to be asking yourself why you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. why are you keeping yourself hung up on unrequited love. there are answers about yourself to be found. perhaps you really do not want a commitment. if you did, you would not be hung up on her. you should be moving on and happy for her. sounds like she strung you along after the BU. during this time she got over you and you went backwards. 1
Almond_Joy Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 You need to get counseling. You are obsessed with this woman who neither loves nor respects you, and are sabotaging yourself to boot from moving on because of the obsession. The pain's going to stay until you decide you've had enough of it and work very hard to put this woman behind you.
pickflicker Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 You need to cut of the grapevine, for starters... 3
Mr.Pine Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Vortex, your alias is a misnomer. You are not coping... at all. And I feel for you. I do. I am currently going through a painful break up and it's been almost 3 weeks now. But I am already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get me wrong, the first 4 or 5 days I was in complete turmoil. Now, 3 weeks in, it's a little easier. I cannot imagine feeling this way for another week or two, never mind a year and a half. That is not normal. You need help. ASAP. Get some counseling. It is hurting you and any potential relationship, as you have already told us by dumping that person who was falling for you. Unfair to her; unfair to yourself. Make the call. Talk to someone. We're here for you... 1
oracle Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Pickflicker is right.... It hurts cause you want it to.. You want those dribs and drabs of info thru the grapevine. Maybe this will be good for you, know that its now done. You hit bottom in this scenario, now time to slowly rise out of it. I know its like a drug addiction, but in the end you are the only one who can change anything for you. If you haven't already tried counseling, give it a shot maybe.. but at the end of the day after all of that its still 100% on you. And to be fair to the OP.. Not all relationships are created equally. There is no scheduled progress table. I lived with my ex thru the divorce period for 3.5yrs - that's more than most peoples relationship stints on here. I don't want to be with my ex, and would never reconcile. but there isn't a day that goes by that he isn't in my mind on some level - and thats life. There are pros and con's to forming deep bonds that span decades, and in the end life is one big process of letting go. Just don't forget to live in the meantime, and always remember the major fact of our nature; we always want what we can no longer have. 6
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 For the record I did go to counseling for 8 months. We talked everything out we could. After awhile there was nothing left to say. Did it help? A little, but no amount of counseling or therapy is going to cure being in love with someone. Unrequited or not. Counseling can help you look at things at different angles but counseling is not going to be a miracle cure in most situations. IMO. And no, I don't want to be reminded of her. Not at all. I wish I could move on. And in a lot of ways I have. It's been a long time since I even had a conversation with her. But our lives were so intertwined at the time that there are still a lot of memories that get triggered. I don't think what I feel is abnormal. I speak to many people about major ex loves and most took years to get over. I have been in love many times before and there are certain relationships that are harder to get over than others. I believe are only so many people you really click with at the time and those are the ones that are the hardest to get over. We dated for years. That is a lot different than a relationship that you have been in for only months. As far as the grapevine, I do not keep tabs or ask about her to anyone. Someone just mentioned it and caught me off guard. We were star crossed lovers. We weren't done with each other emotionally. Our situations at the time took us down. She admitted that too. It was just easier for her to be in the relationship she is in now. Enough time went by and they got close. Just luck of the draw. In past relationships, I have been the dumper and the dumpee but most times it was the relationship that had burned out in some way. But this was different, the roadblocks in our way put undue stress on us as well as some bad timing. It's funny how on this site there seems to be a set time to get over someone. "Get over her already it's been too long" etc. the reality is, there is no set time when it comes to grieving a relationship. I was hurting and I needed to vent. That is why I posted here. As you go through life you will find relationships will vary in intensity be it friends or lovers. Some people drift in and out and some remain in your thoughts. But all impact your life in some way. Great or small. 2
David87 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I can feel your pain and I can relate to it. That's life, some people are met to be in your heart not with you. People gave advice based on their own experiences and what they read here but every love story is different. She's engaged, she found her peace now if you really love her then be happy for her. That's how i'm coping.
notthathard Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 You have been doing this to yourself for 16 months. "You Are Responsible For Your Own Happiness" Time to get a grip, I hope this incident really shakes you up to finally let go. She is not coming back. It looks like you have held on to a little bit of hope for sometime now, you need to let that hope go now. All those little "I heard she" and "she said" is all crap unless she says it to your face. Time to find a better woman than her! She doesn't want you and probably never will.
ScaredAlien2 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I can't imagine the pain of hearing that news. I feel for you. Keep posting, keep venting. Talking sure helps, at least it helps me. But they are right in a sense, accept that it will never be. Get mad at her if you need to. 1
Keenly Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 At 16 months... you start to. become responsible for allowing yourself to still feel this much pain. You are feeding this fire that's burning you alive, rather than trying to put it out. Stop door g this to yourself .
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Someone once wrote on here that it's just as hard to try to keep them as it is to let them go. 1
KaliLove Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Someone once wrote on here that it's just as hard to try to keep them as it is to let them go. I just had to repost this because it's so very very true. I actually got my ex back after we broke up, and then I spent 2 years on a horrible roller coaster of break ups and make ups and being treated like garbage because he lost all respect for me for walking on eggshells and taking his nonsense.
Snow101 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I feel for you Vortex, I'm in the same boat. If I heard my ex was getting married right now, it would hit me like a semitruck carrying 2 tons of gravel. And then feeling it back up over my body. I think some people are being a little hard on you too...I personally hate when people think that we actually enjoy suffering and feeling like crap, or that we are trying to prolong the misery as much as possible? Personally, I would give anything, anything at all to not feel anything right now in my situation. I know how it is to try anything and everything to move on and feel good and nothing seems to work. All this positive cliches "just get over it" "let it go" etc... Sometimes it isn't just flipping a switch. It seems to me that the deeper and more powerful the love, the harder it is to get over someone. If you were in love with someone for years I think you're allowed to feel bad about it...if you met someone for a random one night hookup and you act devastated for a year, then yes you have a problem. The only cliched advice that works is time....just get through each day buddy, and keep putting yourself out there. She sounds like she gave you a raw deal. Karma is a a kinky evil bitch. 2
Copelandsanity Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I've been where you are too. It took me 9 months from divorce being filed - 14 months from making the decision to divorce - to feel normal again. My perspective of our relationship and the breakup has changed. I no longer put her nor what we had together on a pedestal. I used to think that she was this amazing and perfect person that would never do this and that, but she wasn't. She's a good person, albeit with many flaws, just like most others, including your ex. I made my share of mistakes too, and I choose to learn from them and evolve into a better partner for someone else in the future. If my ex were to find happiness again and re-marry, I may be envious, but it wouldn't bother me otherwise. I care about her as a person and would want her to be happy. That's when you know you truly love someone. I know it's cliched, but I do think it's true: "Love is not selfish. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done."
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 The BU happened 16 months ago but we have not always NC. I gave up trying to get her back a year ago. Went NC since that point. But SHE would reach out from time to time. Even this past Xmas she wished me Merry Xmas and texted me that I was still in her heart and soul. So the time line is skewed as far as being fully NC. I think she was a bit caught between us for a long time even though she wasn't with me. No matter what nice things she said to me during the BU she could never leave him and get back with me. Too messy for her. Staying with him was easier. I'm sure if we did get back she would have been pining for him too. No win situation. Shame I really enjoyed being with her and have her be a part of my life. We had a very intense love. More than what she has with him now as she confirmed many times. But sometimes things are easier and that is more important to some. Funny how time makes people forget how close some relationships are and they settle. I think her divorce made her seek security over picking the right person. I'm very sad and still hurt but there does come a point that there is nothing you can do. You just enter a stage where you don't who they are anymore. I always found the ending of past relationships odd. You shared your life with someone, shared your naked body with them, bared your soul to them and then when it's over you become strangers again. Like the song "Someone you used to know". I've ran into ex's and would think, wow we swapped bodily fluids and now I'm just shaking your hand like its a business meeting. I guess I just never thought I would get to a point where she's was stranger to me. I believe people you meet and share a life with can have a big impact on who you are going forward. You learn from them you grow from knowing them. Things you shared things you revealed boundaries you changed. I will always remember one thing she said to me during our relationship. She said "I never knew love could be like that!" I will always appreciate that. I'm glad I got to share at least part of my life with her. 1
Maverick89 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Dear coping Vortex. I feel like I am in your place, only 9 months before. I'm currently in the 5 month after the BU, practically NC. My ex writes from time to time (maybe one time each month) to see how things are, same as you, wishing me merry xmas, asking how my family is, etc. I think the difference is she is not stringing me along like you, she does write but does not say "I miss you, you were the love of my life" etc. At least I have that going for me. Another big difference, is that she is in a relationship now (At least I think so). She took a new guy to her cousin's wedding only 2 months after she broke up with me. So maybe that's why she is not stringing me, she seems happy dating a guy that's 10 years older than her that she met at the office only 3 weeks before the BU. Anyways, I feel what you feel... I don't think I am still in love with my ex, I think that I had to live this horrible horrible situation, so that I can grow in life (we dated for 5 and a half years, and I'm currently 25, she's 22). So maybe my advice is, try to look at it, as something to learn and grow... it sounds clichéd, I know... but I think it's better than "you need to move on" 'cuz I know that is very very hard. You wouldn't know happiness if you don't understand pain. And you wouldn't understand true love, without understanding how a broken heart could feel like. Sadly, that is the human nature... Try to improve yourself, enjoy anything you do, practice some yoga, meet new people... This is the thread that I started, in case you want to look at it, it's kinda long but maybe you can alienate some feelings and you too could have some advice. Hope it helps http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/464609-gf-5-years-called-quits
deathandtaxes Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Congratulations, OP, on ceding all power over your life, over how you feel, etc, to your ex. Do you really want to be over her? Or do you like living in some fantasyland PAST? Sixteen months is a LONG time to be pining away after somebody after they break up with you. I think you need some professional help. If that stint with the first therapist didn't work, try a new one.
anemptycup Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I am new to this and by no means an expert - i am really sorry for what you are going through - but despite being new to this - i have lost a lot in the past - nothing hurts more than a break-up with the one you love.. but i can tell you this... it's all about THOUGHTS. the more you think about her... the longer it will take to move on... every time we focus our thoughts on a particular subject or thing - we physically strengthen the neuropathway in our brain associated with that thing - what you need to start doing is to start becoming a lot more aware of your thoughts - and each time you start thinking about her - you have to really want to stop - otherwise you're going to waste a lot of time... Darkness is overrated. you can also help yourself by writing down, over and over again - "I have moved on and I am happy being free and independant" Or whatever you feel resonates with you - but, you must start developing the right neurpathways in your mind - because by constantly thinking about missing her you are CONDITIONING yourself to MISS her more... start thinking about NOT missing her... just try it - Visualize yourself NOT missing her.... it'll be hard at first - but just do it as an experiment - do it for 60 seconds... visualize yourself... not missing her at all.. and doing something fun without her... take it a step further - and spend 60 seconds visualizing yourself being GLAD she's out of your life... EVERYTHING is hard at the beginning - exercise - etc.. you just need to make a start... GOOD LUCK - i feel with you - i really do... BE aware of your thoughts - stop brainwashing yourself into Missing her more.... our minds our powerful tools we can mold to do anything we want with. much love and peace. 1
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