Dealing with how I ended things

[lofi_tokyo]

So about 8 months ago, I ended things with my ex (dated 3.5yrs) abruptly. Just need some help today dealing with the guilt in how I left.

 

I more or less left my ex for someone else, as far as he sees it, although what really happened was this: I was on a 3 month internship in another city. 1 month in I realized I wasn't happy in my relationship, and it couldn't be fixed. 1.5 months in, I met my current partner. 2 months in, I ended things with my ex (when I was in town one weekend). 2.5 months in, I started dating my current partner.

 

I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave before things started up with my current SO. Here's why:

- My ex avoided emotional intimacy.

- My ex treated me like a child for needing an emotional connection.

- My ex often joked about how crazy I was and how hard it was to date me until he coached me into changing my actions.

- My ex would get annoyed (and ignore me) if I tried to observe social graces, such as bringing wine to a dinner party.

- My ex would minimize my worries, not by supporting me, but by putting me down for having worries in the first place.

- When I tried to voice my concerns, our long conversations often ended with me apologizing for having concerns in the first place, and with me thanking him for his patience and enduring me having concerns.

- I was anxious in our relationship.

- I internalized a lot of guilt and shame for being me in our relationship.

- I didn't hold him accountable for the things that he did that I found hurtful - such as referring me as a "warm body to sleep next to" or "crazy", or refusing to participate in things that were important to me.

 

His mother went through a mental breakdown a few years ago. I don't know the details of it, but from what I observed in spending much time with his family, she's a really friendly and kind lady! It's just his family culture to make fun of her all the time, and I THINK after years of being made fun of for being herself, she kinda collapsed in on herself. I saw that happening to me. When I went away for my internship, I realized: I AM smart, I AM capable, I AM balanced! I'm not someone who's broken, and I don't want to feel like I am anymore. I got out while I could.

 

This post makes my ex sound like a horrible person. He is not. He's a beautiful soul in so many ways, and I hurt him by leaving like I did in a way no one else ever has. I feel so badly about what I did - but at the same time, I had to leave. Just need a little help forgiving myself today. Sorry for the messy post.

[herself]

Really there isnt a great way to end. And even if you feel you could have handled it better it sounds like he hurt you as well and either way it needed to end.

From a dumpees perspective, he is healing ir has moved on and you contacting him now would only serve to help your guilt but end up hurting him more.

Down the road he will see you made the right choice & forgive you, but its ok, dont feel bad.

[paperwings]

Your post resonated with me, since I'm on the other end of a very similar situation. The similarities are deep. Everyone involved surely hurts. Thank you for sharing.

[Never Again]

I was on a 3 month internship in another city. 1 month in I realized I wasn't happy in my relationship, and it couldn't be fixed.

 

tokyo, if I recall correctly, this is the second thread you've made where you're asking for validation for your breakup.

 

I'm going to be blunt, and some of this will support your actions and some of it won't.

 

- You do NOT need a reason to leave a relationship that you find unfulfilling.

 

- You and your ex BOTH contributed to that relationship's failure (by not telling him that his negative behavior truly bothered you, and by apologizing for your concerns, you forfeited your personal boundaries and taught him that it was okay to treat you that way).

 

- You are never required to try and fix a relationship, but you need to acknowledge that you DECIDED things couldn't be fixed after you came to the conclusion that you were unhappy, but never actually attempted to fix them. Thus, you ASSUMED that things couldn't be fixed. There is no certainty here. You still had every right to leave, but you cannot hide behind assumptions that may or may not have validity to them.

 

- A mature person with sufficient self-respect TALKS when they are unhappy and resolves to fix the issue, even if that means ultimately leaving the relationship. An immature person with low self-respect tolerates bad behavior even when it hurts them, and allows the disappointment/resentment/hurt/boredom to build until they're forced to run away from their problems. Which were you?

 

- You DO need to come to terms that, in some respects, you are the "bad guy". This doesn't make you a bad person. Far from it. You made a difficult choice, but it was one you felt you needed to make. You will feel guilty because you hurt someone, but you decided you NEEDED to hurt them because you weren't getting what you needed.

 

 

Now, with all this said, you need to let go of this guilt. You made a decision and it does NOT define you or your worth. You DID contribute significantly to the failure of your past relationship, but that does not make YOU a failure. Use what you've learned to better yourself and move forward.

 

However, my ONE problem with this situation is your new SO. If you're still harboring guilt, then it means that on some level, you have unresolved feelings for your ex. They may not be romantic feelings, but they are "feelings" nonetheless. By not processing these feelings on your own, you're forcing your new SO to, in some respects, carry you through these darker moments. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone new - to make you feel worthy and loved while you harbor guilt. That's NOT fair to them.

 

You either need to let go of the guilt, or let go of your new partner UNTIL you let go of the guilt - otherwise, they're just being an emotional crutch...which is NOT the basis for a healthy emotional connection.

 

I may be wrong, but please reflect on this very carefully.

[Sandy99]

It seems that although you might have had valid reasons for breaking up with your ex, you didn't handle the break up right. Your actions are guilt-worthy in my opinion because you dumped somebody for somebody else...which is never a nice thing to do. You took the easy way out. Your ex probably has no idea why you left either. Did you tell him what your issues were with him? Did you really talk this out?

 

Look at it this way. Let's say you are hungry and homeless and you decide to go into somebody's house for food. You get the food and you are happy, but you get caught by the police and so you have to jail. Yes, you had valid reasons for wanting the food, and yes it is an injustice that you don't have a house or food. Maybe the door to the house was open, and nobody necessarily got hurt, but you're still going to pay the price for your irrational actions.

 

You dumped your ex and ran away, and so now you're paying "the price" of your impulsive actions with guilt. There's really no way around your guilt, in my opinion.

 

Maybe reach out to your ex and tell him you know you handled things wrong. Maybe even state clearly the reasons you decided to do this. He might not be interested in hearing your side, but at least you will prove that you are in fact human to him. I know that sounds dramatic, but your ex probably was left thinking you are a very cruel person for dumping him as you did, and you are probably aware of this. You don't need to go back to him, but maybe you can right some wrongs, you never know.

[lofi_tokyo]

@pfenixphire @sandy99 ... I hope those tags work!

 

For the record, I often DID talk to him. He'd tell you in fact that I attempted conversation quite frequently - it frustrated him.

 

When we did talk, he'd put me down by telling me I was being too emotional, crazy, etc. In those moments, I would stand up for myself but ultimately after hours of debating the conclusion would always have to come from me admitting that yes, I was crazy. You're both right - I sound like I had low-self esteem in our relationship, and with time it did erode. I was a shell of a woman with my ex. My of my friends would laugh if they heard someone say I have low self-esteem in general - I'm a very confident woman in most respects - but in that relationship I was caving in on myself.

 

Most of his jokes about me revolved around how I was mentally sick and he needed to teach me how to be healthy.

 

Prior to us breaking up, when I decided there was a problem. I tried to tell him something was wrong. He laughed as a father might laugh at a child who makes a silly comment, and told me I'd get over it (my reasons for wanting to break up). It took another three conversations before he realized I was serious. When we did breakup, I told him I was a) tired of feeling guilty b) tired of feeling like I was a child.

 

I agree with both of you that yes, I enabled him by not standing up for myself. I think addressed this in my list, too. I mentioned my negatives because I recognize my part in this relationship failing. Quite honestly, I think the only way that I COULD have stood up for myself was by leaving a relationship where I felt put down and pathetic (not safe). That's what I eventually did.

 

*Edit* We also had a lot of really beautiful moments, and my ex is a good person. I'm just a pretty sensitive person, and he's very logical. We really did both try our hardest to understand one another and to be compassionate, even if it doesn't seem that way on these forums. I find it better to limit my posts to certain things rather than writing relationship novels.

Edited March 10, 2014 by tokyovogue

[Never Again]

tokyo,

 

From everything I can see, you really DID try.

 

There's not much anyone else can ask of you than that.

 

When dumpers give "hints" about being unhappy and never REALLY open up...well, I get a little flustered about that for obvious reasons.

 

But if you had the conversation with him, several times, then he really has no excuse for not taking you seriously. Honestly, the fact that he laughed at you when you tried to tell him there was a problem...well, that was pretty much the kiss of death for the relationship.

 

It seems like you tried to take a stand earlier and your ex simply dismissed you. The problem here is that you LET yourself be dismissed. I cannot blame you for leaving a relationship where you felt this way, but definitely put your foot down when you need to in the future.