GF of 8 years runs away with a stranger, attempts to maintain contact

March 7, 2014

Me = 32, Her = 30

GF of 8 years blindsides me mid-January. Says she's moving out.

She met a man at the airport 3 weeks before. Felt an "instant emotional connection" as if she "knew him for ages" or some other nonsense. Shared a few drinks at the bar before their flight. Happened to be seatmates. Exchanged numbers. Never before has she done anything to violate my trust. He's my opposite. While I provided for her -- safety, comfort, security, a nice home with a beautiful yard, car and the offer to fully support her and allow her to leave the job she was unsatisfied with. We were in the midst of working on a new project/business that would've launched by now, had she not bailed. The man she met was my opposite -- 11 years older, divorced, no money, no security, nothing. And probably none of my anxiety or stress, either. Perhaps she wanted to finally feel a sense of freedom since I had always provided. Either way, such a ****ty way of doing it. I bleed.

Finally confesses this to me one afternoon. She has not been herself for a couple weeks, but I did not expect something this extreme. I later discovered a bottle of whiskey nearly empty, and she had been rapidly losing weight. The guilt of having to drop this on me was eating at her. Oh, and the burning papers and drawers of clothing that went suddenly missing weeks prior made sense. I was too fearful to inquire much.

She gives me false hope that night she confesses. Say's we have can try to rekindle our love. Comes home from work the next day, "No, I couldn't say goodbye to him." Apparently they had been talking and texting for a couple weeks, and she had met him once. Is that enough to decide to move in with a stranger? I guess so... to some.

I sleep next to her for two days with all of this in my mind. Occasionally I see her phone light up with a message from him. I should've told her to GTFO, but I was paralyzed. This can't be happening.

I fly her to see her sister (the next morning, for $800!) to think this through. Her sister and I don't see eye to eye, so that was a bad idea. It merely provided further support.

She fly's back home to me, packs her clothes, and heads north. She had planned on taking "her" car (which I pay for and insure), but I finally grew a spine and told her to rent one --- which she obviouslly couldn't afford. Her plan was to drive "her" car to her new lover and return it to me in a couple weeks. She Leaves all of her belongings, Christmas gifts, memories, photos. In an instant, she abandons all of her friends, family, pets (which we loved like our children), responsibilities. Just like that. Say's she'll come back someday to deal with them -- that in her heart she didn't properly get to say goodbye and the idea of seeing our home in all its glory leaves her unable to breathe.

She sent emails to friends and family explaining her actions. Then another to me. And we've had several discussions between brief NC periods (I initiated the NC, she contacted me first). Every story is a bit different. "I felt stifled", "I''m not sure when I may die, so I chose to hurt you all to live this new life. And maybe, after this, another." Say's she never felt "good enough" and that by leaving everything she can attempt to free herself of these feelings. (Then again, she didn't exactly take time out to figure herself out... she jumped into a relationship with some random guy!) Of course, I feel like I could've done a lot more to make her feel appreciated. I feel a tremendous sense of guilt. But we could've talked this over. She blindsided me and stabbed me through the heart. Eight years... for a stranger. All we needed was a proper conversation.

Backstory -- I was going through immense grief since June when I nearly lost my father and September when I lost my best friend to circumstances I've yet to accept. I was not very affectionate or physical during this time. She shouldered my grief like she always had. She was a wonderful person. I never saw this coming -- not from her -- but perhaps propping me up became too much. I feel terribly sorry that I wasn't there for her during this time. I've been told to stop beating myself up.

I've initialed periods of NC. She's the one to break them. Texts asking to "catch up" or breadcrumbs everywhere. I pulled off of FB, but remain on Instagram where she proceeds to like nearly everything I post. Is this her guilt reduction mechanism... making sure that I'm ok without her? Or does it remind her of the good times, while she questions why she made such an "insane decision" (her words). When she noticed that she could no longer find me on Facebook, she broke down crying on the phone. Thought I blocked her, asked if I hated her.

I've had several calls with her. The brief, positive and upbeat one went well. She was left pining for more... a couple days later emailing me how much she missed me. The long, drawn out, emotional calls only regress us both further. Cry fests. She sounds confused and often totally emotionally shut down. Who wouldn't be. She left her support system. Went from being a professional to working part time, drinking all night with 20 year olds, no real friends. Starting a fresh relationship with a man she hardly knows. It's as if she has regressed to her 20 year old self.

I wrote all the sappy love letters, but never sent them. I never begged. She'll soon run out of money, and this new loverboy can't support her. Is this the freedom she wanted? I can't let it be my problem anymore. It hurts to accept that.

But damn if I don't miss her every single day.

Had to sell the car I bought her yesterday. That stung. It was a special gift and she was so happy the day I pulled it into the driveway.

Some days are easy, others are impossible. The highs and lows are extreme. Every "Like" on Instagram is like a hit of crack. I need to cut her off completely.

But, if she was the dumper, why is she the one insisting on contact? In an email she begged me not to cut her off completely. Say's she still needs me in her life. I'm very close with my first ex and she uses that as an example -- but doesn't quite understand that it took us a few years to rebuild that relationship. Is she honestly confused? Admits she may have honestly lost her mind in January, but still hasn't come back. What could that guy have possibly said to her to convince her this was a good idea? Does she still need a part of me? Am I plan B? Should I let her fall on her face and cut her off, total NC (not 5-10 day bursts) and see how this works out sometime in the future while I focus on myself?

What she did, and how she did it, is pretty much inexcusable. How do you rebuild that trust? But I did grow up with this girl, and I do not deny that I was not perfect either. Our communication has broken down over the years, despite all of the happy pictures I have of us both. That said, she didn't need to run away with a stranger. We could've found a way to talk.

I've been told the obvious. It's over. Move on. Focus on yourself. But I still feel bad for her. She gave up a really good thing and is suddenly pinching from the bottom of the barrel. It hurts me to see her like this, but how quickly I forget how much pain she put me through those nights in January when all of this came crashing down?

She's wanted to meet twice. Both times I denied it after initially accepting. I am not emotionally ready to see her. I was ready to propose. She wanted marriage very badly... the hints weren't subtle. Maybe she just wanted that feeling of confirmation after all our years together. I will never deny how much work she put into us and our home. She worked hard and was such a gem.. until she wasn't. The proposal was coming this Spring, once my grief had hopefully subsided. That's another angle I feel heavy guilt from -- perhaps I waited too long for that ring. Others tell me to STFU and be grateful... that I dodged an artillery sized bullet having not been married when this all went down.

But now... well, ****, never thought I'd be in this place.

Any thoughts on her behavior? Who just runs away? Why is she maintaining contact -- if it's not just for the standard reasons. Is she scared? Any advice on my actions (past or future intentions)? Did the lack of a ring play a role? Airport man talked a good game? Was I just a controlling monster and she wanted out? Anything. Thanks... I'm sure most of it will be obvious, but it helps to share my story. Not trying to paint myself a victim here, I know I could've been better, too. But I was always true to her.

Edited March 7, 2014 by paperwings
clarity

March 7, 2014

That is a sad story. I am rooting for you to stay strong and not take her back when (not if) she has finished up with this guy and a string of other short term flings. It is all over. If you take her back, she will never respect you. You should have lost all respect for her as well.

Sorry to say, you were too nice and comforting. Some (many) women can't respect nice respectful guys. They will treat them like doormats. The good news is you are entering your thirties, which is primetime for men. Take some time to grieve the relationship. Don't date others for a while, but don't obsess over her. Start running or join a gym. It will help your physical and emotional health. Then, several months from now when you are ready to get back in the game, you will be in great shape.

Don't take her back. Box up her stuff and put it out of sight.

March 7, 2014

Before I comment on this post, I would just like to tell everyone else that this is how you write an introductory e-mail. It's so beautifully written and easy to read. Short sentences. Small paragraphs. Straight to the point. There are so many times I would like to read the OP and help the poster but poor or lazy writing just puts me off. I'm sure it does to others as well. If you want people to respond to your threads, write like this please...

Sorry paperwings...

I would just like to say that I am really really sorry for what has happened. It sounds really tough what you are experiencing now. It will become harder before it gets easier.

The thing that sticks out the most in your text is how much YOU took care of HER all of the time. You feel like you always cared for her and made sure she was ok financially, emotionally, etc Maybe this is what questioned herself and her sense of freedom. Maybe she was tired of being taken care of. Who knows?

Anyway, the most important thing is to try and maintain minimal contact because she's just hurting you more. She needs to sort herself out and you need to give her space. She doesn't know what she wants and the way she has dealt with the situation is really ****ty.

All I can tell you is hand in there bud and take care of yourself. You're smart and you seem to know what you have to do, so do it. Good luck.

March 7, 2014

Me = 32, Her = 30

GF of 8 years blindsides me mid-January. Says she's moving out.

She met a man at the airport 3 weeks before. Felt an "instant emotional connection" as if she "knew him for ages" or some other nonsense. Shared a few drinks at the bar before their flight. Happened to be seatmates. Exchanged numbers. Never before has she done anything to violate my trust. He's my opposite. While I provided for her -- safety, comfort, security, a nice home with a beautiful yard, car and the offer to fully support her and allow her to leave the job she was unsatisfied with. We were in the midst of working on a new project/business that would've launched by now, had she not bailed. The man she met was my opposite -- 11 years older, divorced, no money, no security, nothing. And probably none of my anxiety or stress, either. Perhaps she wanted to finally feel a sense of freedom since I had always provided. Either way, such a ****ty way of doing it. I bleed.

Finally confesses this to me one afternoon. She has not been herself for a couple weeks, but I did not expect something this extreme. I later discovered a bottle of whiskey nearly empty, and she had been rapidly losing weight. The guilt of having to drop this on me was eating at her. Oh, and the burning papers and drawers of clothing that went suddenly missing weeks prior made sense. I was too fearful to inquire much.

She gives me false hope that night she confesses. Say's we have can try to rekindle our love. Comes home from work the next day, "No, I couldn't say goodbye to him." Apparently they had been talking and texting for a couple weeks, and she had met him once. Is that enough to decide to move in with a stranger? I guess so... to some.

I sleep next to her for two days with all of this in my mind. Occasionally I see her phone light up with a message from him. I should've told her to GTFO, but I was paralyzed. This can't be happening.

I fly her to see her sister (the next morning, for $800!) to think this through. Her sister and I don't see eye to eye, so that was a bad idea. It merely provided further support.

She fly's back home to me, packs her clothes, and heads north. She had planned on taking "her" car (which I pay for and insure), but I finally grew a spine and told her to rent one --- which she obviouslly couldn't afford. Her plan was to drive "her" car to her new lover and return it to me in a couple weeks. She Leaves all of her belongings, Christmas gifts, memories, photos. In an instant, she abandons all of her friends, family, pets (which we loved like our children), responsibilities. Just like that. Say's she'll come back someday to deal with them -- that in her heart she didn't properly get to say goodbye and the idea of seeing our home in all its glory leaves her unable to breathe.

She sent emails to friends and family explaining her actions. Then another to me. And we've had several discussions between brief NC periods (I initiated the NC, she contacted me first). Every story is a bit different. "I felt stifled", "I''m not sure when I may die, so I chose to hurt you all to live this new life. And maybe, after this, another." Say's she never felt "good enough" and that by leaving everything she can attempt to free herself of these feelings. (Then again, she didn't exactly take time out to figure herself out... she jumped into a relationship with some random guy!) Of course, I feel like I could've done a lot more to make her feel appreciated. I feel a tremendous sense of guilt. But we could've talked this over. She blindsided me and stabbed me through the heart. Eight years... for a stranger. All we needed was a proper conversation.

Backstory -- I was going through immense grief since June when I nearly lost my father and September when I lost my best friend to circumstances I've yet to accept. I was not very affectionate or physical during this time. She shouldered my grief like she always had. She was a wonderful person. I never saw this coming -- not from her -- but perhaps propping me up became too much. I feel terribly sorry that I wasn't there for her during this time. I've been told to stop beating myself up.

I've initialed periods of NC. She's the one to break them. Texts asking to "catch up" or breadcrumbs everywhere. I pulled off of FB, but remain on Instagram where she proceeds to like nearly everything I post. Is this her guilt reduction mechanism... making sure that I'm ok without her? Or does it remind her of the good times, while she questions why she made such an "insane decision" (her words). When she noticed that she could no longer find me on Facebook, she broke down crying on the phone. Thought I blocked her, asked if I hated her.

I've had several calls with her. The brief, positive and upbeat one went well. She was left pining for more... a couple days later emailing me how much she missed me. The long, drawn out, emotional calls only regress us both further. Cry fests. She sounds confused and often totally emotionally shut down. Who wouldn't be. She left her support system. Went from being a professional to working part time, drinking all night with 20 year olds, no real friends. Starting a fresh relationship with a man she hardly knows. It's as if she has regressed to her 20 year old self.

I wrote all the sappy love letters, but never sent them. I never begged. She'll soon run out of money, and this new loverboy can't support her. Is this the freedom she wanted? I can't let it be my problem anymore. It hurts to accept that.

But damn if I don't miss her every single day.

Had to sell the car I bought her yesterday. That stung. It was a special gift and she was so happy the day I pulled it into the driveway.

Some days are easy, others are impossible. The highs and lows are extreme. Every "Like" on Instagram is like a hit of crack. I need to cut her off completely.

But, if she was the dumper, why is she the one insisting on contact? In an email she begged me not to cut her off completely. Say's she still needs me in her life. I'm very close with my first ex and she uses that as an example -- but doesn't quite understand that it took us a few years to rebuild that relationship. Is she honestly confused? Admits she may have honestly lost her mind in January, but still hasn't come back. What could that guy have possibly said to her to convince her this was a good idea? Does she still need a part of me? Am I plan B? Should I let her fall on her face and cut her off, total NC (not 5-10 day bursts) and see how this works out sometime in the future while I focus on myself?

What she did, and how she did it, is pretty much inexcusable. How do you rebuild that trust? But I did grow up with this girl, and I do not deny that I was not perfect either. Our communication has broken down over the years, despite all of the happy pictures I have of us both. That said, she didn't need to run away with a stranger. We could've found a way to talk.

I've been told the obvious. It's over. Move on. Focus on yourself. But I still feel bad for her. She gave up a really good thing and is suddenly pinching from the bottom of the barrel. It hurts me to see her like this, but how quickly I forget how much pain she put me through those nights in January when all of this came crashing down?

She's wanted to meet twice. Both times I denied it after initially accepting. I am not emotionally ready to see her. I was ready to propose. She wanted marriage very badly... the hints weren't subtle. Maybe she just wanted that feeling of confirmation after all our years together. I will never deny how much work she put into us and our home. She worked hard and was such a gem.. until she wasn't. The proposal was coming this Spring, once my grief had hopefully subsided. That's another angle I feel heavy guilt from -- perhaps I waited too long for that ring. Others tell me to STFU and be grateful... that I dodged an artillery sized bullet having not been married when this all went down.

But now... well, ****, never thought I'd be in this place.

Any thoughts on her behavior? Who just runs away? Why is she maintaining contact -- if it's not just for the standard reasons. Is she scared? Any advice on my actions (past or future intentions)? Did the lack of a ring play a role? Airport man talked a good game? Was I just a controlling monster and she wanted out? Anything. Thanks... I'm sure most of it will be obvious, but it helps to share my story. Not trying to paint myself a victim here, I know I could've been better, too. But I was always true to her.

Read what I've bolded. You wrote that. You have all the answers you need.

I feel that it's disrespectful for a woman to leave and still want to hang on to you. Stop feeling sorry for her and have some respect for yourself. Pack up her stuff and get it out of your house. Cut this woman loose and never look back. Ever. Let her lie in the bed she made.

March 7, 2014

Start running or join a gym.

I'm a weightlifter, triathlete and mountain biker. Got that side taken care of. It's literally saved my life since everything went to **** last June. In fact, health is the greatest gift I've given myself. Thank you for your kind words. I'll make it through.

Edited March 7, 2014 by paperwings

March 7, 2014

It really breaks my heart to read your story. My girlfriend left me after 6.5 years to pursue a relationship with a guy she only knew from Facebook.

I think the worst part is that there is no way we can understand this behavior. I've been dumped before, but as time went by, I began to see that we weren't fit for each other, that we had different goals in life. But in a case like this, it's obvious that she threw something great away... I remember one of the last time I talked to my ex. I asked her if she had been using the birthday present I got her. And she responded:

"Of course not, because if I did, I might start to miss you and regret my decision."

It's like some people have the power to completely shut off certain emotions. They put everything in a box for a while, so they can experience new exciting adventures without feeling remorse. You and I will never be able to understand this and I think that's what hurts the most.

Every day is a struggle. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But then I say to myself "If I let her ruin my life, I would only prove that she was right. That I'm a failure. That she could do better.". I won't give her that satisfaction.

You can do it. You're not alone.

March 7, 2014

It's like some people have the power to completely shut off certain emotions. They put everything in a box for a while, so they can experience new exciting adventures without feeling remorse. You and I will never be able to understand this and I think that's what hurts the most.

That's it. Most of the time she's just not the same girl I knew, although there have been glimmers of hope when she's feeling confused in her new life. It's like controlled emotional shutdown. I'm logical to a fault and this part destroys me because I can't make it add up. She hosted Christmas for my family. She was so giving. We all loved her. Then this.

Of course this morning I wake up to an email from her saying hi. Time to analyze that one to death. Too short. Not enough emotion. Too this, too that. She texted on Monday wanting to have a call this week. I know I cant reply. Not right now. Right? Or, do I make a kind attempt at a short reply since I've been the one to initiate NC? My head spins so often around all of this I forget the rules. Stupid heart.

I have to get out of bed. Make breakfast. Take care of (our) cats. Take care of myself and get to work. One, two, three... GO!

March 7, 2014

I'm a weightlifter, triathlete and mountain biker. Got that side taken care of. It's literally saved my life since everything went to **** last June.

Good for you. A couple of years ago I got into triathlon and even did an Ironman. It paid huge dividends to my mental and physical health.

It sounds like you are a great catch. In shape and doing well enough financially to support a bunch of dead weight (the ex). Now that you have lost that millstone from around your neck, life will get much better. You just have to get through the tough part, getting her out of your head and heart.

Stay strong and make up your mind to not take her back (assuming, hopefully that is what you decide). You need to be confident in your decision. Because after she spends several months banging her way through the bad boys of the trust ate area, she is going to want to come back to the cushy life of you payi g all of her bills (until she decides to do another round on the c0ck carousel).

Get your head in the right place and keep working out. Your thirties is a great time to be a single guy.

Stay strong on no contact. I think if your do the analysis and use your logic, you will see that the relationship has to be over. She is not the woman you thought she was. You cannot trust her. If you take her back she will do it again. Because she knows she can.

Edited March 7, 2014 by TXGuy

March 7, 2014

I'm really sorry for your loss man. But in reality, you think its your loss now...long term, its hers. She knows what she's passing up by leaving you, but she doesn't want to accept it, which is why she is holding on and trying to keep in contact.

Just because she contacts you, doesn't mean you're breaking contact - you're responding is. Shut her out for good. You know what you have to do. Unfollow her from IG and stop that short lived "high" from her.

You got rid of the car - good. Now do the same with the rest of it. How far away did she move (I might have missed that). I would tell her, "I've sold the car. I'm packing up all your stuff, the time to 'deal with them later' is now. Pick them up by "Saturday" or I will donate them or trash them". Move on from this. Move on from her. Don't let try to keep you holding on. She left you for someone else who she barely knows. That's it. Done. Don't take her back and don't be friends (maybe years later, sure, but definitely not now). Box it up, tell her to pick it up, then get rid of it if she doesn't show. If she says she can't be there until Xday, don't. Stick to your guns. "Sorry, by Xday they'll be gone. You have until "saturday"".

Pick yourself up and rid yourself of this. MidknightDreams made a great point. you have all the answers you're looking for.

March 7, 2014

If she looking at your instagram, then give her something to look at. Take a trip somewhere, like the Bahamas. Somewhere warm, standing on the beach with a margarita in one hand and a senorita in a micro bikini in the other.

Or wherever! Let her see that you're moving on with your life, doing fun as hell stuff WITHOUT her.

Let her think, "Dammit! He's on vacation having a blast and I'm with this guy that can't even afford a happy meal! And WHO THE F*CK IS THAT CHICK IN THE BIKINI!!!! He's not allowed to be hooking up with other girls! He should be pining after me!!!!"

March 7, 2014

I just needed to share my thread, because I think it's a really refreshing compliment to my post, which maybe tells the story of the person leaving:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/465179-dealing-how-i-ended-things

In your post, you can clearly see that you are NOT a bad person! Not one bit! You went through some tough times, and you maybe didn't treat her as well as you should have, but she didn't communicate how she was feeling well either.

My story tells the story of someone feeling stifled and alone in a relationship. I understood my ex had issues to sort out, and I shouldered them, but eventually I just needed to get out. Your story shows how while my summary may make my ex look bad, things are so much more complex! In the same way that you're clearly thinking hard about this, and are again, clearly a good person, my ex was too.

I think the reason she keeps contacting you is this: she KNOWS that in many ways, you are a wonderful person. She stayed with you for so long because of that - you shared something special, and despite the bad that caused her to leave, she also recognizes the good you bring. That, in my experience, isn't enough to warrant thinking she wants you back. In my case, I feel a lot of grief over leaving my ex as I did, and I miss him terribly some days, but I don't miss our relationship. Both of us were part of the problem.

Anyways, I could be projecting my own story onto yours, but I do think they're comparable. Also, if she's anything like me - she's sort of regretting how quickly she acted (it doesn't sound like she thought things through much).

March 7, 2014

Tokyovogue,

I read your post earlier, and I felt an uneasy (read: honest) connection to it too. When I saw you replied to my thread, I felt a knot in my stomach. If you didn't have 1000 posts already, I would've wondered if you were actually her. I agree with a lot of what you had to say. There are many similarities, and our situations are not as simple as they may seem to outsiders. Despite his flaws, you still still saw a wonderful person in your ex. But you had to go. I get that.

She and I were both part of the problem, no doubt. Our communication needed work. But the way she went about this -- deciding to abruptly run away from everything (friends, family, pets, job, responsibility, belongings), emotionally cheat and move in with a stranger? "Throw my things away, I won't need them anymore." That's the f'kd up part. Let's talk about it -- lets determine the problem and figure out if this can be resolved. If not, I can accept that, be a man and move on.

Instead, I'm blindsided and sliced open when I was already hurting. I'm trying not to paint myself as the victim, I've taken more abuse from myself than I care to admit. I really wish we had found a way to just have an open conversation.

If she needed her space and freedom, a random lover that she's met twice may not be the answer. Nor would be trading a professional career for part-time seasonal work. Sounds just a tad bit extreme. We started dating when she was 20, and perhaps this could be entering "Grass Is Greener" territory. Maybe she feels like she never had time to experience life for herself.

Does she want me back? Not so sure I could take her back (yet other times, she's all I can think about... the waves are extreme right now...unlike anything I've ever felt). My heart is so tied up in our history, but she destroyed the foundation of trust. Our communication was weak, and the emotional bond was bent from all of my recent grief... but the trust was always there. Not so sure that can or should be rebuilt (even though I wake up every morning wishing it could be).

she KNOWS that in many ways, you are a wonderful person. She stayed with you for so long because of that - you shared something special, and despite the bad that caused her to leave, she also recognizes the good you bring.

In her own way, she's said exactly this. But I need time to heal. NC is difficult for me, but every response to her puts me back at day one. Am I pushing or pulling by not replying to her texts or emails? Does it even matter given the gravity of the situation?

So comes the question: if I hurt her over the long term, and she destroyed me in a single instant, now what? Take her bait and "be friends" while she is riding some other guy? I've had very few relationships in my life, both being very long term, so I have no experience in dealing with this. Which is why I've opted for the advice of these forums (which have been a great resource). The general consensus: accept, move on, learn from it, improve next time, take care of yourself. Not easy -- she's all I can think about -- but the alternative is to continue to suffer.

Thank you for your reply. Again, your thread really resonated with me. Perhaps we should keep in touch.

Edited March 7, 2014 by paperwings
fixes

March 7, 2014

1) What you are experiencing is common. I went through it myself, and I was married, which made it 100x worse. I understand the fact that you and her weren't married is no consolation because you're hurting, but you should tell yourself that you feel grateful anyway

Men go though their sexual primes in their teens and early 20s. As they get older, they become more compassionate, better listeners, better partners...and they become more inclined to settle down, get married and so forth. But women are the opposite. They go though their sexual primes when hit their 30s. Your GF wants to be with other men. The airport guy made her feel "alive" again, she is addicted to the high he gives her, she is inundated with sexual desire for him, she may think he's her soulmate. This trumps everything you provide for her: financial security, safety, comfort, the home, the car. You could be the perfect guy and it wouldn't matter. And she is going to put the blame for her actions on you...aka marriage troubles.

2) Do not maintain contact with her. If it means changing your e-mail, blocking her number, deleting your social media, getting rid of her belongings, do it. Any contact with her will delay the process of moving on.

3) This would have happened sooner or later, with or without a ring. Perhaps an engagement and a wedding would have delayed it, but it would have happened down the line, perhaps a couple of years later. There's a reason why the divorce rate is so high. You would have ended up being divorced eventually, imo.

4) My advice for you would be to maintain no contact at all costs, and most importantly, don't be hard on yourself. You just lost an 8-year relationship, it's like experiencing a death in your family, you will go through a mourning process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and it may be a long time before that process is over. In the meantime, try your best to: 1) Exercise 30+ minutes daily, 2) Get 8+ hours of sleep nightly, 3) Get 30 minutes of sunshine and fresh air daily, 4) Consistently keep your mind occupied with work, friends/family, hobbies you enjoy, 5) Maintain a clean, healthy diet with fish oil, Vitamin D, no sugar, 6) Spend time with those you love. During the times you cannot do these because you are angry or depressed, then don't. Let yourself be angry and smash something. Let yourself be depressed and cry. Like I said, take it easy on yourself. There will come a time when the depression ends, and you will feel normal again.

March 7, 2014

If you want any chance to get her back, stop listening to her. Don't be her support system as she doesn't deserve it. You lost your father and friend and she should have supported you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She just wants to sc**w around with the OM and still have you as a safety net. Don't let it happen. Women only respect men they can't push around. Stop all contact with her. TBH, she isn't worth another thought.

March 7, 2014

So comes the question: if I hurt her over the long term, and she destroyed me in a single instant, now what? Take her bait and "be friends" while she is riding some other guy? I've had very few relationships in my life, both being very long term, so I have no experience in dealing with this. Which is why I've opted for the advice of these forums (which have been a great resource). The general consensus: accept, move on, learn from it, improve next time, take care of yourself. Not easy -- she's all I can think about -- but the alternative is to continue to suffer.

Thank you for your reply. Again, your thread really resonated with me. Perhaps we should keep in touch.

Bolded bit especially reminds me of something he'd say.

I'm glad we have our two perspectives to share, and it's eerie - I apologised to him once (not trying to come back), about 3 months ago, and he more or less said what you did: that trust was shattered, and he doesn't think it can come back.

What do you do. Hmm. Can you settle for friendship? If its hurting you, you may need to do what my ex did and say something along the lines of: what I brought to our relationship was given because we were dating, we can't hangout as friends and hold onto the friendship we had, because that feels too much like a relationship to me. <-- After he said as much, I very sadly realized that friendship is going to be incredibly hard.

We've tried to be friends. It's clearly not a great idea. I'm here, posting, about my troubles. He's hurting, I've seen it.

My advice to you: see her request for friendship as a request for friendship, not bait for something more. If you do not want friendship with someone who left you for another person, that is TOTALLY acceptable. Ahh! Saying this reminds me of how unreasonable hoping for his friendship IS!

You need to have boundaries - ones that help you heal. Do what you need to do.

March 7, 2014

I feel for you, man... its realy sad. few things on my mind.

1. you know her 8 years, that means she was 22 when she met you, which explains some things. I think she used this stranger as a crane to pull herself out from your R. Its not that she felt bad and didnt love you. she probably felt a little useless, maybe board, and a sence of missing opportunities here and there.

2. She still loves you as a man, and as her good friend. also she feels guilty with the pain she have caused you. Thats why she is still looking to be in contact with you. she cares for you.

BUT!!! your clear interest is full NC with her. Never answer her mails, calls, nothing. If you have to (you dont) notify her about the full NC next time she contact you. Take care of yourself, not her.

3. She didnt cheat, she isnt a liar, she is not a scumbag. She is just an innocent girl who felt too protected under your wings, and wanted to taste the outside world. She revealed her feelings in front of you as you were also some kind of a father to her, not just a boyfriend and a lover.

If she wants you back in a few month , I strongly advice you NOT to take her back because she will not be the same girl you used to know. It will never be the same.

Go on with your life - your story touched me deeply.

Edited March 7, 2014 by lolablue17

March 7, 2014

Wow. This story is like a movie. I feel bad for you. I think she is just confused and needs help. I think this guy was a charmer and probably not even good for her. Maybe he gave her something like freedom to be her. Something she hasn't felt before. I think you should cut her off completely and move on. In 8 years if she runs away with another man and didn't even think about you and the possibility of marriage. I think it's a lost cause. Who knows?

March 7, 2014

In 8 years if she runs away with another man and didn't even think about you and the possibility of marriage. I think it's a lost cause. Who knows?

I agree with you, but in that case its better that she didn't think of him. its not good to to stay with someone only as a sacrifice for your partner.

March 7, 2014

If she looking at your instagram, then give her something to look at. Take a trip somewhere, like the Bahamas. Somewhere warm, standing on the beach with a margarita in one hand and a senorita in a micro bikini in the other.

Or wherever! Let her see that you're moving on with your life, doing fun as hell stuff WITHOUT her.

Let her think, "Dammit! He's on vacation having a blast and I'm with this guy that can't even afford a happy meal! And WHO THE F*CK IS THAT CHICK IN THE BIKINI!!!! He's not allowed to be hooking up with other girls! He should be pining after me!!!!"[/QUOTE]

This is so true!! Sometime you have to be an ******* for yourself!

March 7, 2014

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP!

And I thought I had it bad after my ex-GF left me after nearly 4 years for another guy last summer. She tells me things like "you are the best person I have ever met, I'm sorry to have let you go" but I can't take her back.

All I can say is that time is a great healer, try and live your life as best you can and keep yourself as busy as possible.

March 7, 2014

Glad that you did not marry her.

You should help yourself and listen to the others telling you to stop all contact and get her out of your life.

Time for you to move on, run and stay away from her. If you ever let her back, she will hurt you again. Run, run, run.

go do something for yourself now.

March 7, 2014

She's trying to keep you somewhere near her so she has the safety-net she needs to do her little "trip" without the sane part of her mind kicking in.

But don't take her back. This kind of behavior shows her insecurity, and if she developes that after 8 years, who knows when it will happen again.

But reading your posts, I think all you got now is the emotional part. In the end, you didn't really loose anything. In fact, you now got the chance to find a real woman. Good hunting!

March 7, 2014

@lolablue17 Thank you. I firmly believe that some of your assumptions are quite accurate. My heart's interest is of course to have her back, but isn't the only real choice at the moment NC? For my own healing? How can I go back now? I say that, but my heart will fight me on this in about an hour. I haven't replied to her at all this week. I feel like a jerk for it. But, I also feel like I've been hit by a truck given the entire situation....so what's worse.

@clairedunham

In 8 years if she runs away with another man and didn't even think about you and the possibility of marriage.

She wanted marriage very badly and would drop hints often. I was the one who stalled. It was nearly a given -- I called her my wife at this point. But I know she wanted that commitment and to feel truly loved & appriciated. Or, it's what she thinks she wanted. Because she ran away to the opposite, right? She would write in her journal how she wished I would just ask her and we could elope. That was as late as November. I was finally going to pop the question once my grief of the year's events had settled... the plan was sometime this Spring. So it goes. As others have said, a ring would've just prolonged this scenario. It likely would've happened at some point.

I think she is just confused and needs help.

I agree. Very confused. I do feel bad for her, even though she ripped my heart out. Shouldn't be of my concern now, but it comes and goes.

And to everyone else so far -- thank you. You've all been great with straightforward, honest advice and this thread has helped me immensely. Just hit the gym and am going out with some friends. This will pass. I will be okay.

Edited March 7, 2014 by paperwings

March 8, 2014

@lolablue17 Thank you. I firmly believe that some of your assumptions are quite accurate. My heart's interest is of course to have her back, but isn't the only real choice at the moment NC? For my own healing? How can I go back now? I say that, but my heart will fight me on this in about an hour. I haven't replied to her at all this week. I feel like a jerk for it. But, I also feel like I've been hit by a truck given the entire situation....so what's worse.

Your heart will fight you? Ah, that's easy ;);) Lets not talk about her innocence and confusion for a moment. Lets talk about her actions and choices...

She dumped you so she can screw another man. She gave up a whole future with her (almost) fiance, only because she couldn't resist the temptation, the thrill to let another man lifting her off the ground. New sex is always more exciting!

So this girl has an unbalanced personality. Some time a woman can have second thoughts about her man, maybe problems in your R, and that's reasonable it should take months of processing. But it took her one airport meeting to decide to leave everything.

YOU DONT WANT THAT CHILD! She behaved like a 12 years old kid. its not nice. there is nothing graceful here. Only stupidity, remissness, selfishness, and superficiality.

Are you sure you want her? She is right about not being quality enough for you. tell your heart that you dont want the woman who's on age 30, Shatters all what she achieved in life to the garbage can like a trashy spoiled 12 years old teenage.

DONT ANSWER her communication attempts! If you feel uncomfortable to just dissapear, next time she message you, answer (not by phone, only text or mail and only once) short and apathetic sentence says never to contact you and you dont want to hear from her ever again!

This would be like a slap in the face to her and it will be the first time she will begin to realize the consequences of her actions, and to understand she actually has to pay a price here.

Edited March 8, 2014 by lolablue17

March 8, 2014

I envy you. Besides this breakup you have so much going for you. When I found this site work cut my hours down drastically and everyone turned their backs on me. Because as if a bad breakup wasn't bad enough.

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GF of 8 years runs away with a stranger, attempts to maintain contact

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