Dating a girl who has a daughter. Problems.

[preraph]

It's hard to stand by and let someone you love let their kid manipulate and beat up on them. I know because I've been there. A lot of parents simply won't train their kid. It's not fair to expect anyone else around them to put up with the situation. You shouldn't lay hands on the kid again, though it might well do it some good, because that's not and will never be your place, even if you marry her. But I would sit down and have a serious talk, apologize for spanking, but then tell her "Either you take some parenting classes and learn to train your child properly, or I'm going to have to call it quits because I'm not willing to live with that going in to the future." This means she'll need a babysitter and it probably won't be you so she's going to fight it. Be prepared to walk if she doesn't take care of it. Tell her you'll even go with if she wants you to and that might get her to go thinking it will change YOUR mind. But it won't.

 

Having a child does not make someone a good parent. But a lot of them think it does.

[dichotomy]

I had two stepdads.

 

I also married a woman with a troubled child, but in general my wife was generally very strong with her. My God - some of the fights they had while I sat quietly off to the side - fights over not much. I read many books on being a stepdad before we married. Couple of points.

 

1) Discipline should be by the bioparent. You can help your GF work on her parenting skills and I suggest you both go to counseling right now - see a female family counselor. You can take a different role with the child, perhaps like a big brother - that kind of role worked for me. The only area you might intervene with a child is to simply offer verbal support for your wife, if the child is disrespectful - you set a good example for both your gal and child if you stand up for mom - firmly but not with anger - and only verbally

 

2) You may wish to find a good child therapist, the girl may have more issues than you know, I pushed very hard to get my stepdaughter into therapy and it helped alot.

 

3) Understand this - every kid (and person) are different. My sisters are great parents, but some of their kids where very difficult to deal with at times in their growth. Some it was early childhood, some it was their teens. All kids can be a real handful - outbursts and so on. My SD, aged 9, had a total screaming anger mental breakdown at us - on the docks off our cruise ship.. as we got off in Mexico to go snorkeling - we literally ended up being surrounded my Mexican police with machine guns who did not understand what was happening. Whew - I can laugh about it now - SD is now 19 and a mostly a normal talented young lady. But it took major work - involving police, therapy,medication, lawyers, and well over 20K in money. Thats being a parent - never know whats kind of child you going to get - yours or someone else child.

 

I don't blame you if you want to end this per some of the recommendations - just saying being a parent is never easy and any child can have issues, that may not be resolved

easily.

Edited February 21, 2014 by dichotomy

[turnera]

Yeah we have discussed it endlessly. She does nothing. She gives her daughter everything she wants and just sits there while the daughter walks all over her. It's almost like she bullies her. And it seems to be getting worse every day.

First, make your girlfriend watch SuperNanny. LOTS and lots of SuperNanny. She will start to see the pattern emerging - parents should NOT allow kids to get away with murder.

 

Second, line up a counselor, make an appointment, and ask your girlfriend to go with you. Tell her that you need her help because you're dealing with some issues and want to make the relationship better; when you get there, point out what the lack of control is doing to your relationship with the gf, let alone how it's harming the girl.

[Soundsystem00]

Just talked to her on the phone. She says she really doesn't think she can get past what happened. She is really going overboard with it.

 

I think she wants to break up. I was trying to plea with her a bit. But why? I know it won't work either and nothing's going to change.

 

I guess fear of being alone. And fear of her finding someone else.

[preraph]

Sorry to hear, but now is a good time to let her know that you weren't staying unless she learned to parent anyway....

[Hornylildevil]

First, you did cross a line. I cannot STAND bratty children but if my son was a brat (he wasn't, me and his mother were FAR too strict for that s@&$) and my GF took it upon herself to put her dickskinners on my child, she'd draw back a stump. You can't fix her shoddy parenting, sorry.

[pickflicker]

My girlfriend has a 5 year old daughter. We have been together for about 7 months now. Her 5 year old has very bad behavior in my opinion.

 

The other day at the mall, she wanted a cupcake. My girl didn't want to get her one so she got on the floor and screamed bloody murder. My girl picked her up and her daughter started kicking her and hitting her with her magic wand.

 

At that point, after spectating this reoccurring issue for months, I finally stepped in. I spanked her in the middle of the mall and carried her to the car. I feel like my girl never disciplines her kid and that is the reason she is out of control.

 

My girl felt uncomfortable about me doing that and told me she does not want me to do that anymore. That I am crossing boundaries. She may be right. I just sometimes feel frustrated and disappointed by the situation. I even have became extremely depressed over it.

 

I need some advice on what to do because it is putting a huge strain on this relationship. I love this girl with all my heart and would do anything to make things work, but this is really hard.

 

The father is pretty much non existent on the child's life. He dumped my gf after she had the kid and disappeared for years. He finally came back into te picture a few years ago but outs forth little to no effort to see her. Maybe sees her 3-4 days out of the month. I feel a huge pressure to be a father figure. I'm only 26 and don't know the first thing about kids. She's 33.

Need some advice. Anything. Thank you.

 

You don't get to discpline her child. I'm not against smacking, my mother smacked me very rarely, as a last resort, and it was the right thing to do. But you have been dating her less than a year, and ou don't get a say on how she parents her child.

 

Know this - when dating a single parent, that child will always come first. How she raises them, is none of your business. You're the child's friend. You're a support network. They should be able to come to you with a problem. But you are absolutely not their disciplinarian.

[Soundsystem00]

update :

 

I got dumped. again. there are many issues with the relationship other than the child. basically she has the maturity level of a 16 year old girl. we have broken up about 5 times in the past 7 months. shes always the one that breaks up with me.

 

she has mental/emotional/hormonal issues. blames me for everything, even if she has to make things up. has had me at my witts end for months. she dumps me, then after a week or two, begs for me back. its a cycle.

 

i do have good times with her so it is really hard to let go and move on. especially when she says nice things to get me back in. once im back with her she pushes me away.

 

here is what went down last night :

 

we had a pretty good night. went to dave and busters with some of her coworkers. all night tho, the issue was bothering me. finally we got home and i brought it up. i was really reasonable and nice about it but i just mentioned that the daughter is really starting to effect my well being and i feel like more should be done about it. she took it offensively of course and told me things like "she is my flesh and blood!" "you are saying you dont like my daughter!" and "my daughter is never going to change!" and then asked me to leave her apartment so i left.

 

I got home and noticed a meme on her page saying "hold your head high and your middle finger higher" then saw that i was removed from her relationship status.

 

all i was trying to do was communicate. wasnt aggressive or rude about it. and thats what i get. this is an example of how she behaves in the relationship. its embrassing, frustrating, and just plain immature.

 

thoughts?

[pickflicker]

I think you need to consider it a blessing in disguise. You were never going to win this war, hell, you weren't even a front-runner to win the battle.

 

Next time, never, ever, smack a child that isn't yours. No matter how much you might want to. As for her, if she can't discipline a 5 year old, she's in for a world of hurt come the teenage years. Whether she's badly behaved or not, she is her 'flesh and blood'. I would never expect a single parent to put my needs over their own child's. You'll never win that game.

 

Bullet dodged. Move on.

Edited February 24, 2014 by pickflicker

[turnera]

She's going to be one of those mothers who has a teenage monster on her hands, and she's never going to understand why. It's a blessing, take it.

 

And PLEASE stop looking for needy women you can rescue. When you meet a woman, do not offer to do anything for her. She's an adult, she can pay her own utilities, get her own tire fixed, pick up her own kid. If you don't offer stuff like that, the needy ones will disappear more quickly, and the only ones left will be self-sufficient women who don't need a man but would LIKE a man.

[Star_Bound]

Sound System -

 

I am a mother of a 4 year old boy, I'm 29 years old, and my fiance (not the biological father) is 27. We have been together for about 2 1/2 yrs now. I left my ex-husband right around the time my son was born, which was the best decision I could've made. Having said that, I get your girlfriend's standpoint. Although you spanking the child was not a good decision, what's done is done. You can't go back and undo it, but moving forward, and learning from the mistake, approach the situation in another way.

 

Bratty children. Ugh. What a pain...and the *majority* of the ones I've been around seemed to be that way because the mother just let the kid walk all over her. I think that is absolutely unreal. I haven't read all of the responses to your post, but if I were you, I would have a serious heart-to-heart with your girlfriend and let her know your concerns with the lack of discipline you've been noticing. I think I would lose my mind if I was in that situation.

[Soundsystem00]

Sound System -

 

I am a mother of a 4 year old boy, I'm 29 years old, and my fiance (not the biological father) is 27. We have been together for about 2 1/2 yrs now. I left my ex-husband right around the time my son was born, which was the best decision I could've made. Having said that, I get your girlfriend's standpoint. Although you spanking the child was not a good decision, what's done is done. You can't go back and undo it, but moving forward, and learning from the mistake, approach the situation in another way.

 

Bratty children. Ugh. What a pain...and the *majority* of the ones I've been around seemed to be that way because the mother just let the kid walk all over her. I think that is absolutely unreal. I haven't read all of the responses to your post, but if I were you, I would have a serious heart-to-heart with your girlfriend and let her know your concerns with the lack of discipline you've been noticing. I think I would lose my mind if I was in that situation.

 

I tried to have a heart-to-heart. I was very reasonable, and approached it with care and concern. I got shut down, sent home, and dumped publicly on facebook. :|

[whichwayisup]

i was really reasonable and nice about it but i just mentioned that the daughter is really starting to effect my well being and i feel like more should be done about it.

 

See you made it about you. Not hey I know I messed up and took things too far by spanking your daughter. I care a lot about her and want to help as much I can, but sometimes I find it hard to deal with because I don't have a child. What can we do to make more peace in the house?

 

Or something along those lines...

 

There are nicer ways of bringing up issues. You chose the wrong way... But, it seems you two were on the way out (again) anyway and that probably put the last nail in the coffin. What you said is offensive, you may not have meant it like that, but it's how it read (from what you've said on here) and probably how it came out when she heard it.

[justwhoiam]

I got dumped. again.

...

5 times in the past 7 months.

...

its a cycle.

I could see how a woman breaks up with a guy 5 times. What I can't see is afterwards she always begs you to be back. As a woman, if I were that desperate, I'd be back just to let you know how I hate that you let me go, that you didn't try to fix things, etc.

If I'm so out of myself that I feel like I have to break up, I would expect him to somehow be in control and not let everything escalate. When things escalate, that's what you have: a possible breakup.

So the pattern is easily explained, but not when she keeps coming back. I won't judge if she's immature for breaking up with you continuously, but the moment she comes back and does that over and over again, that shows low self-esteem and instability. I mean, if you believe you're being in the right, you stand your ground. She probably realizes she has poor motives, but most of all: she can't stand her ground. Ever. And that will be reflected in the relationship with her daugher. She won't be credible to her daugher's eyes and her daughter might lose respect for her. That's already happening probably.

 

Anyway, besides any comment regarding you and this woman, my best advice to you is: learn not to let things escalate in your relationship. Many men don't get this point and just let things happen. Also, I don't support the often trite "men and women are equal", because most men mean that as equal treatment, as if men and women perceived things the same way. No, it usually doesn't work like that. I assert the right to be treated differently. Do men need mushy stuff? I'm sure they'd happily do without it. But a woman occasionally likes that, or more than occasionally (depending on the woman). I hope I made my point.

 

When you meet a woman, do not offer to do anything for her.

That's lame. If I were a man, I'd offer to do things for my girlfriend and be proud of it. Men should rather watch out for women who are out to use them and not appreciative of what they do. Also, showing one's manly skills is usually a turn on for a woman.

[turnera]

That's lame. If I were a man, I'd offer to do things for my girlfriend and be proud of it. Men should rather watch out for women who are out to use them and not appreciative of what they do. Also, showing one's manly skills is usually a turn on for a woman.

He has admitted he's attracted to needy women; he can 'do things' for a woman once he has held his ground at first and let the needy ones disappear because he won't be their knight in shining armor.

[preraph]

I guess that's what happens when immature people have kids they have no idea how to parent. There really needs to be mandatory parenting classes for everyone. "Parent" is a verb. Just having kids doesn't mean you know how to parent. But yeah, hitting kids is really not the best way. Unfortunately, once one has been left untrained, it may seem like it takes something that drastic to get their attention. But that's her problem now, not yours. And I'd keep it that way.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend, you were going to lose no matter what you did. It's her kid and if she isn't capable of keeping her daughter in line and this sort of thing is common place then you were going to be in for a rough ride with her.

 

If you would have married her, then you also had that kid too. Her and the daughter come as a package deal and your life would be turmoil.

 

Good friend of mine was dating a woman with a out of control boy about 4 or 5 years old and it was starting to get to him big time. One day the boy was pissed off because he didn't get his way and he threw a toy truck at my buddy and he got hit above the eye and got a nice cut.

 

When the kids Mom saw it, she was telling my buddy how sorry she was and before she could finish, he pointed to the door and said "OUT". She tried and he said it again and told her that he was done with her and her bad seed and not to come back. He could have reached out and put a whipping on the boys ass but he didn't. He ended it.

 

Trust me when I say, she did you a huge favor.

[Soundsystem00]

I guess that's what happens when immature people have kids they have no idea how to parent. There really needs to be mandatory parenting classes for everyone. "Parent" is a verb. Just having kids doesn't mean you know how to parent. But yeah, hitting kids is really not the best way. Unfortunately, once one has been left untrained, it may seem like it takes something that drastic to get their attention. But that's her problem now, not yours. And I'd keep it that way.

 

Yes!

 

Look friend, you were going to lose no matter what you did. It's her kid and if she isn't capable of keeping her daughter in line and this sort of thing is common place then you were going to be in for a rough ride with her.

 

If you would have married her, then you also had that kid too. Her and the daughter come as a package deal and your life would be turmoil.

 

Good friend of mine was dating a woman with a out of control boy about 4 or 5 years old and it was starting to get to him big time. One day the boy was pissed off because he didn't get his way and he threw a toy truck at my buddy and he got hit above the eye and got a nice cut.

 

When the kids Mom saw it, she was telling my buddy how sorry she was and before she could finish, he pointed to the door and said "OUT". She tried and he said it again and told her that he was done with her and her bad seed and not to come back. He could have reached out and put a whipping on the boys ass but he didn't. He ended it.

 

Trust me when I say, she did you a huge favor.

 

Thanks guys I feel a lot better. So true. I know this already, but On lonely nights,

Hearing reinforcement sure helps!

[bubbaganoosh]

Hitting children is barbaric in my opinion. I have a 1.5 year old who sometimes throws tantrums if he doesn't get what he wants, but I make it clear to him thst crying and performing is not going to get him anywhere.

 

By hitting her all you are teaching her is to solve her own problems through violence instead of reasoning.

 

Do you know that studies have been conducted suggesting that hitting children actually stifles their neurological growth. You could be lowering your girlfriend's daughter's IQ by hitting her. Don't ever do it again.

 

I disagree. I'm 66 and when I was growing up, I was the kid and Mum and Dad were the parents. Their job was to raise me to be a respectable polite boy and when I stepped out of line I was given the chance to redeem myself.

 

My Mother had six magic words. "Wait until your father gets home". That was the signal that I knew I stepped in it big time.

 

My Dad was the authority. He went through three stages of letting me know that I was crossing the line.

 

The first was "the look". It was for the most part enough to make me rethink my mistake. The second warning was when he would start running his hand through his hair and licking his lips. When that happened, I know that I was real close. Real close.

 

Then the third. God I was stupid for not listening. All I heard was the old man going "OOOOOOOOOOOOO and then I was picked up by the short hairs and got my ass tanned. It didn't happen often and no he wasn't a violent man. I was too stupid to stop at the first warning and you betcha doopa I got what I deserved.

 

It didn't turn me into a monster or a violent person. What it taught me was that as long as I'm the kid and their the parents, they were responsible for me and my actions and my actions were a reflection on them. Nothing more and nothing less. They had rules and expected me to follow them and to live up to the standards that they wanted.

[Soundsystem00]

^ thank you

[jellybean89]

I agree with Bug, but soundsystem, you were 'just' the boyfriend. You were not the step father (which doesn't give you rights even then to physically discipline the child), you were the guy dating her mom. You had no right to put your hands on her and you could be prosecuted for doing so.

 

I was spanked as a kid - quite a bit to be honest.

 

I understand your frustration with how your ex girlfriend was not disciplining her child when the child was misbehaving. But it wasn't your responsibility to do so. Unfortunately, many parents today refuse to discipline their children..they are too busy being the kids 'friend' and not their parent.

 

Also remember, each of us have different views of 'misbehaving' kids. You have to remember that kids will act up on occassion -- it is how they learn right from wrong. No child will be perfect and no child will come out of the womb and never have a tantrum. Some tantrums are 'naughty step' worthy, some aren't. What you consider being a brat, a biological parent may not consider the behavior bratty.

[Omei]

I do not have issues with spanking no, I have given my daughter spankings when she was younger in her fits she's 7 now and gosh I dont think I've spanked her in over a year she's extreamly well behaved. I always felt horrid after doing it but when talking and calming had no effect a little wack on the bum sure shocks them into listening then I've found they will talk reasonably its fear based I know but you know at a certain age it really has no effect anymore if I was to smack her bum today she would be confused as to why I didn't speak it out, and say "im too old mom".

 

Once I mooned my grandma when I was a child and she went as far as to boot my butt with her shoe, I cried and she said "have some respect for your elders and be quiet" I have never been rude to an elderly ever, I also will never swear around them as well.

 

Btw I know it's said over and over but at 7 months dating I don't really think you should even be speaking a word about how her child is raised, idk how much of home life you're involved with this child. Around 7 month mark I'd be "just" starting to let a guy be on the outings with my child.

 

you should not be feeling pressure to be this Childs father figure unless she is pushing you?

 

ive dated a man for 5 years without ever asking for a cent or forced any expectation on him.

 

I find it odd you're so involved at 7 months in, to me that states she looking for a guy who she hopes will take care of them, does she make you help do stuff for this kid? You should not be feeling any pressures at all and be nothing except a happy friend.

Edited March 1, 2014 by Omei

[Omei]

ps jellybean is right there are stages to children where they go through phases of testing their parents, I believe often in public a lot of parents do nothing when there's a fit because fear of being judged she might of said things like "No, stop, behave, if you dont settle down we will go home"

 

I have a hard time believing she just stood there, most parents don't do "acts" of punishment in public unless its like taking away a toy or talking.

[Soundsystem00]

I do not have issues with spanking no, I have given my daughter spankings when she was younger in her fits she's 7 now and gosh I dont think I've spanked her in over a year she's extreamly well behaved. I always felt horrid after doing it but when talking and calming had no effect a little wack on the bum sure shocks them into listening then I've found they will talk reasonably its fear based I know but you know at a certain age it really has no effect anymore if I was to smack her bum today she would be confused as to why I didn't speak it out, and say "im too old mom".

 

Once I mooned my grandma when I was a child and she went as far as to boot my butt with her shoe, I cried and she said "have some respect for your elders and be quiet" I have never been rude to an elderly ever, I also will never swear around them as well.

 

Btw I know it's said over and over but at 7 months dating I don't really think you should even be speaking a word about how her child is raised, idk how much of home life you're involved with this child. Around 7 month mark I'd be "just" starting to let a guy be on the outings with my child.

 

you should not be feeling pressure to be this Childs father figure unless she is pushing you?

 

ive dated a man for 5 years without ever asking for a cent or forced any expectation on him.

 

I find it odd you're so involved at 7 months in, to me that states she looking for a guy who she hopes will take care of them, does she make you help do stuff for this kid? You should not be feeling any pressures at all and be nothing except a happy friend.

 

I met the kid early on. They both live in the apartment together. The kid is with her at all times. 7 months, with her, has been a long long long 7 months. The kid is cool, I like her. For a long time I was just a friend to her and cool as hell to her. The kid loves me and always asks about me when I'm gone. The melt downs are getting worse and more frequent. The dads never there. I'm always there. So. Not making it right but it happened and I learned.

[Omei]

I met the kid early on. They both live in the apartment together. The kid is with her at all times. 7 months, with her, has been a long long long 7 months. The kid is cool, I like her. For a long time I was just a friend to her and cool as hell to her. The kid loves me and always asks about me when I'm gone. The melt downs are getting worse and more frequent. The dads never there. I'm always there. So. Not making it right but it happened and I learned.

 

This is why you might feel pressure, the fact you are so involved at 7months is alarming my guess is yes she wants you involved as soon as possible with her child because she is wanting someone to care for them.

 

I too live with my child alone but I find plenty of ways to date without her being around.

 

And yeah dont spank her kid ever I know it's been said a million times but in public? Kids are very capable of humiliation.

Edited March 1, 2014 by Omei